Will Friedle is Brad, a typical high schooler in love with the typical untouchable blonde goddess Brooke (Marley Shelton). Brad has been in love with Brooke for years, and finally gets his chance when she invites him over to tutor her in biology. Things get heated during the study session, but Brad isn't packing any protection and must leave to go find condoms. This triggers a series of (unfunny) catastrophes along the lines of "American Graffiti," "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," "After Hours," "License to Drive," and any teen sex comedy the screenwriters saw before penning this.
"Trojan War" isn't just unfunny, it's unbearably sad. Jennifer Love Hewitt plays Leah, Brad's best friend. We know Brad and Leah are best friends because Leah mentions it HALF A DOZEN times, and I am not exaggerating. Leah also harbors a secret love for Brad, who is too taken with Brooke's beauty to notice. Wow, you've never seen that before, have you? How about Danny Masterson (ironically) and Jason Marsden as two horny dweebs who think they are real ladies' men, even though they keep striking out? Or John Finn as Brad's dad, who lets Brad borrow his 1972 Jaguar, a car he loves more that life itself? Hey, Lee Majors is here! He plays a cop named "Austin"- a joke you might get if you were born before 1970. All of these stock characters and situations have been done, yet the cast goes through the motions and gets zero laughs. George Huang's direction is better than the script, which is a patchwork of teen angst and racism. Every Latino featured here is either a Salsa-dancing horny bimbo or a tagging gangbanger who steals cars. Brad just wants a condom, but having the entire state of California stand in his way gets real old, real quick. It is fun to see cameos and small roles featuring Wendie Malick, Anthony Michael Hall, Danny Trejo, and even the spectacularly unfunny Kathy Griffin, but nothing helps. The normally reliable Friedle, who was the funniest thing about the sitcom "Boy Meets World," flounders, never finding a consistent Brad. The soundtrack features some cool names (does Hewitt have to sing in every film she does?), but the songs themselves are barely-heard background noise.
"Trojan War" bombed when it came out, and with good reason. War really is hell.
Stats:
(1997) 85 min. (1/10)
-Directed by George Huang
-Written by Andy Burg & Scott Myers
-Cast: Will Friedle, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Marley Shelton, Danny Masterson, Jason Marsden, Eric Balfour, Jennie Kwan, Wendie Malick, Lee Majors, Anthony Michael Hall, Danny Trejo, Kathy Griffin, John Finn
-(PG-13)
-Media Viewed: DVD
