Call Me Fishmael (1998) Directed by Steve Dovas
This okay animated effort is only three or four minutes long, and is a Hollywood pitch about a singing sea monster who sounds like Mel Torme. Ends just as it wears out its welcome. (* * *) out of five stars.
Enchanted (Verzaubert) (2000) Directed by Christian Ditter
A German effort with no dialogue, a young man trims his hair before heading to a library to see his cute female crush he hasn't spoken to. His young siblings take some of his discarded hair, glue it on what looks like a Ken doll, and are able to unknowingly control his movements with this rudimentary voodoo doll. In black and white for no reason, and it makes it's little joke early and often, but the cast is likable. Basically, another short film that ends just in time. (* * *) out of five stars.
Protest (1999) Directed by S.D. Katz
Breathtaking visuals of massive elephants throwing themselves off of tall skyscrapers in a city quickly gives way to a conservation message that feels tacked on. Impressive right up until then. (* * * 1/2) out of five stars.
Jorge (1998) Directed by Joel Hopkins
The longest of the four films on the disc is a standard romantic comedy buoyed by nuanced performances by Tunde Adebimpe and Loreni Delgado. Adebimpe is George, who meets Alicia when she comes to temp at his travel agency. The pacing is very slow, however, and the ending left me unsatisfied. (* * *) out of five stars.
Sunday, May 3, 2026
13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi (2016)
I watched "13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi," and was taken aback. It's not a masterpiece, the pacing drags, but putting human faces on such a political football really hits home. Being an Air Force Brat, I'll never know what my late father went through in service to his country (or any of the generations of military veterans I descend from), and I have family members who just can't hunker down and tell stories about combat. I don't automatically assume they have PTSD like I do (from childhood trauma not associated with combat or military service), so I can associate with not blabbing about things that you have seen or have had happened to you. I can joke once in a while about what happened to me, but usually only to my wife. The men who tried to save Ambassador Chris Stevens in 2012 had friends and families, and their onscreen loss is palpable- as much as what their families went through in real life. I've been a worrier all my life, and would sometimes fear that when my father would leave to go fly, I might not see him again. If anything, "13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi" answers Clinton's oft-quoted line "what difference at this point does it make?" While she has been misquoted and taken out of context, the film shows that there was no support sent. The situation was a bureaucratic nightmare, as way too many initialed agencies had their spoons in the pot (and we sit and wonder why a multi-trillion dollar debt looms over the country).
As to the film itself, Michael Bay's normally flashy direction is almost restrained. The pacing does suffer, but the performances all around are excellent. Clinton and Obama are never mentioned by name or referred to in the film, the soldiers in the line of fire aren't arguing politics and blaming candidates. This was the most real aspect of the film. They worry about their families and whether they will see them again (I can't even imagine having the Internet and cell phones back in the Cold War days of the 1970's and 1980's; that kind of communication ability is exciting to see for today's military personnel).
"13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi" is MPAA rated (R) for physical violence, strong gun violence, strong gore, profanity, mild sexual references, and some adult situations.
As to the film itself, Michael Bay's normally flashy direction is almost restrained. The pacing does suffer, but the performances all around are excellent. Clinton and Obama are never mentioned by name or referred to in the film, the soldiers in the line of fire aren't arguing politics and blaming candidates. This was the most real aspect of the film. They worry about their families and whether they will see them again (I can't even imagine having the Internet and cell phones back in the Cold War days of the 1970's and 1980's; that kind of communication ability is exciting to see for today's military personnel).
"13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi" is MPAA rated (R) for physical violence, strong gun violence, strong gore, profanity, mild sexual references, and some adult situations.
Holy Hell (2016)
It's easy to sit back and judge the brainwashed members of a cult when viewing documentaries like "Holy Hell": "I would never fall for this BS," "How stupid do you have to be to think this guy was God?" and so on. Director Will Allen presents a very personal story about spending over two decades in a cult, but can't quite get his case proven in the court of the documentary genre.
The film and the audience is helped by the fact that Allen was a film student when he got involved in Buddhafield, the collective that followed Jamie Simone Gomez, a sometime actor with exotic good looks and a mysterious background. Will's two sisters were also a part of the group, much to the consternation of their mother Gina, and soon all the old cultish behavior began- isolation from friends and family, changing of names, servicing The Teacher Gomez over their own happiness and social lives, and moving around to escape mainstream life. Gomez's control tightens and finally some of the group become enlightened in a new way- maybe this guy isn't all he's cracked up to be.
The video footage, mostly shot by Will as the cult's de facto videographer, is Gomez's often creepy hold on his subjects. There are heartbreaking stories of one woman having abortions to keep Gomez happy. Males who were sexually confused found themselves in physical relationships with Gomez, who was using his power to get them into bed. Most shocking was that this was not a flash-in-pan experience that interrupted these young people's summers. For many, this lasted over two decades and many interview subjects lamented wasting their youth and majority of their lives for nothing- I worked at Target for almost twenty years, I know the feeling.
The inner workings of the group were fascinating. There didn't seem to be a central belief or manifesto for the existence of the group aside from the pleasuring of Gomez. There is cringeworthy footage of Gomez making some stupid joke or self-deprecating observation, and the crowd loses their minds with fake laughing and hysterics. The subjects who talked to Allen missed the community more than the leader, and as Gomez was still leading a new group, there's a "whatever happened to" ending that is heartbreaking.
The ending dramatic confrontation is a bust but I would like to see a follow-up as these GenXers have hit middle age, as well as the group today (Gomez is not getting any younger, despite his plastic surgeries). "Holy Hell" is right.
Stats:
(2016) 100 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Will Allen
-Featuring Will Allen, Jamie Simone Gomez, Amy Allen, Cristala Allen, Gina Allen, Chris Johnston, Radhia Gleis, Vera Cheiffo, Jennifer Baca, Phillipe Coquet, Alessandra Burenin, David Christopher, Julian Goldstein, Greg Gorey
-(USA: NR)-(Au: MA15+): Strong Themes, Strong Sex Scenes)- Sexual violence references, profanity, brief nudity, sexual content, strong sexual references, adult situations
The film and the audience is helped by the fact that Allen was a film student when he got involved in Buddhafield, the collective that followed Jamie Simone Gomez, a sometime actor with exotic good looks and a mysterious background. Will's two sisters were also a part of the group, much to the consternation of their mother Gina, and soon all the old cultish behavior began- isolation from friends and family, changing of names, servicing The Teacher Gomez over their own happiness and social lives, and moving around to escape mainstream life. Gomez's control tightens and finally some of the group become enlightened in a new way- maybe this guy isn't all he's cracked up to be.
The video footage, mostly shot by Will as the cult's de facto videographer, is Gomez's often creepy hold on his subjects. There are heartbreaking stories of one woman having abortions to keep Gomez happy. Males who were sexually confused found themselves in physical relationships with Gomez, who was using his power to get them into bed. Most shocking was that this was not a flash-in-pan experience that interrupted these young people's summers. For many, this lasted over two decades and many interview subjects lamented wasting their youth and majority of their lives for nothing- I worked at Target for almost twenty years, I know the feeling.
The inner workings of the group were fascinating. There didn't seem to be a central belief or manifesto for the existence of the group aside from the pleasuring of Gomez. There is cringeworthy footage of Gomez making some stupid joke or self-deprecating observation, and the crowd loses their minds with fake laughing and hysterics. The subjects who talked to Allen missed the community more than the leader, and as Gomez was still leading a new group, there's a "whatever happened to" ending that is heartbreaking.
The ending dramatic confrontation is a bust but I would like to see a follow-up as these GenXers have hit middle age, as well as the group today (Gomez is not getting any younger, despite his plastic surgeries). "Holy Hell" is right.
Stats:
(2016) 100 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Will Allen
-Featuring Will Allen, Jamie Simone Gomez, Amy Allen, Cristala Allen, Gina Allen, Chris Johnston, Radhia Gleis, Vera Cheiffo, Jennifer Baca, Phillipe Coquet, Alessandra Burenin, David Christopher, Julian Goldstein, Greg Gorey
-(USA: NR)-(Au: MA15+): Strong Themes, Strong Sex Scenes)- Sexual violence references, profanity, brief nudity, sexual content, strong sexual references, adult situations
Hitman: Agent 47 (2015)
"Hitman: Agent 47" is the forgettable reboot to the forgettable "Hitman" (2007). Don't worry, you don't have to be familiar with the first "Hitman" film, or its video game source, to try to enjoy this.
A mysterious assassin (Rupert Friend) tries to protect the daughter (Hannah Ware) of the scientist responsible for creating the Agent program, since assorted villains want to find him to recreate the program (and the film's franchise). Bloody, with some nicely done action scenes, but the monotonal cast looks completely bored, which pulled me out of the movie. Nice supporting turns by Friend, Quinto and Hinds, but the scenes setting up a sequel that would never get made are kind of funny in a sad way. The first movie came out in 2007, the reboot in 2015, but no third-time's-the-charm entry in 2023. The film makers just can't seem to find a story that works.
Stats:
-Directed by Aleksander Bach
-Screenplay by Skip Woods and Michael Finch, Story by Skip Woods, Based on the video game from IO Interactive
-Cast: Rupert Friend, Hannah Ware, Zachary Quinto, Ciaran Hinds, Thomas Kretschmann, Jurgen Prochnow, Rolf Kanies, Dan Bakkedahl, Angelababy, Michaela Caspar
-Media: VUDU Digital Copy
-Running Time: 96 minutes
-Rating: (* * */* * * * *)
-MPAA Rated (R), contains strong physical violence, very strong gun violence, strong gore, profanity, very brief female nudity, drug abuse
A mysterious assassin (Rupert Friend) tries to protect the daughter (Hannah Ware) of the scientist responsible for creating the Agent program, since assorted villains want to find him to recreate the program (and the film's franchise). Bloody, with some nicely done action scenes, but the monotonal cast looks completely bored, which pulled me out of the movie. Nice supporting turns by Friend, Quinto and Hinds, but the scenes setting up a sequel that would never get made are kind of funny in a sad way. The first movie came out in 2007, the reboot in 2015, but no third-time's-the-charm entry in 2023. The film makers just can't seem to find a story that works.
Stats:
-Directed by Aleksander Bach
-Screenplay by Skip Woods and Michael Finch, Story by Skip Woods, Based on the video game from IO Interactive
-Cast: Rupert Friend, Hannah Ware, Zachary Quinto, Ciaran Hinds, Thomas Kretschmann, Jurgen Prochnow, Rolf Kanies, Dan Bakkedahl, Angelababy, Michaela Caspar
-Media: VUDU Digital Copy
-Running Time: 96 minutes
-Rating: (* * */* * * * *)
-MPAA Rated (R), contains strong physical violence, very strong gun violence, strong gore, profanity, very brief female nudity, drug abuse
The Crazies (2010)
When the preview for this film came out, I was all over it. A remake of one of George A. Romero's weakest movies, the trailer and accompanying movie poster were creepy and unsettling, boldly teasing a Stephen King vibe that I couldn't wait to embrace. The film was released, exited theaters, and I quickly forgot about it until one night when I found it on a streaming service. I couldn't believe it had been out for over ten years, but after watching it, I wish I had waited another ten years to see it.
David (Timothy Olyphant) is a sheriff in small town Ogden Marsh, Iowa. He has a goofy deputy, Russ (Joe Anderson), and a pregnant doctor wife Judy (Radha Mitchell). Things seem to be going well in the countryside until one of the townspeople shows up at a local baseball game with a shotgun and David must kill him. This isolated act of violence is shocking enough to the town, but then another neighbor burns down his house with his wife and son inside. David and Russ are overwhelmed as they try to figure out why various people seem to be going "crazy," until they stumble upon a downed aircraft in a small body of water that feeds the town, and that's when The Military shows up.
In that age of Covid, it was interesting to see a "silly" story like a military lockdown played out. Ten years ago, the plot was probably a little goofball (this film doesn't resemble Romero's earlier film that much), but Covid viewers didn't have to suspend their disbelief. I wanted to like "The Crazies," but I kept getting shorted by the film makers. The initial killing is literally minutes into the film, and the viewer isn't given a chance to get their bearings. Suspenseful scenes are continuously undermined by some of the stupidest jump scares in recent memory, and these scares continue throughout the film. I don't know if the film makers didn't have enough confidence in their material, but what they succeed in doing is bringing a scary scene to a full stop by trying to make it "scarier" (the entire truck stop scene later in the film is a perfect example of this). Eisner's direction is fine but the screenplay's pacing is a nightmare. When the military arrives, the story goes off the rails. This isn't the military, capable of containing a small town and erasing any trace of a chemical agent that is poisoning people, this is a bunch of extras with toy guns surrendering and fleeing every time something goes wrong. Even the logistics of containing a small town is off, as if the film makers had never stepped outside of Los Angeles County. I'm a North Dakotan, and very few small towns are not only in the middle of nowhere, but completely isolated from the outside world with citizens who never leave, making rounding them up so much easier. The summer setting is gorgeous, and understandable. God forbid they should shoot in a midwest winter, using the cold and snow to their advantage (as in "The Thing," for example).
Olyphant is fine as David, although he's responsible for about half the unnecessary jump scares. Mitchell is always good, I like how she's open to genre films since they number in her best work- "Phone Booth" and "Pitch Black." We don't learn too much about the virus and its origins, although seperating anyone who has an elevated temperature is rather familiar. The front end of the film is in such a hurry to get started that the middle lags, and the ending is unbelievable to an eye-rolling level.
"The Crazies" had potential, isolated small town horror often works, but in the film makers' desire to terrify, someone didn't go back and ask some logical questions.
Stats:
-Directed by Breck Eisner
-Screenplay by Scott Kosar and Ray Wright based on a motion picture written by George A. Romero
-Cast: Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Joe Anderson, Danielle Panabaker, Christie Lynn Smith, Brett Rickaby, Preston Bailey, John Aylward, Joe Reegan, Glenn Morshower
-Media: Amazon Prime Streaming
-Running Time: 101 minutes
-Rating: (* 1/2/* * * * *)
-MPAA Rated (R), contains strong physical violence, strong gun violence, strong gore, profanity, some adult situations
David (Timothy Olyphant) is a sheriff in small town Ogden Marsh, Iowa. He has a goofy deputy, Russ (Joe Anderson), and a pregnant doctor wife Judy (Radha Mitchell). Things seem to be going well in the countryside until one of the townspeople shows up at a local baseball game with a shotgun and David must kill him. This isolated act of violence is shocking enough to the town, but then another neighbor burns down his house with his wife and son inside. David and Russ are overwhelmed as they try to figure out why various people seem to be going "crazy," until they stumble upon a downed aircraft in a small body of water that feeds the town, and that's when The Military shows up.
In that age of Covid, it was interesting to see a "silly" story like a military lockdown played out. Ten years ago, the plot was probably a little goofball (this film doesn't resemble Romero's earlier film that much), but Covid viewers didn't have to suspend their disbelief. I wanted to like "The Crazies," but I kept getting shorted by the film makers. The initial killing is literally minutes into the film, and the viewer isn't given a chance to get their bearings. Suspenseful scenes are continuously undermined by some of the stupidest jump scares in recent memory, and these scares continue throughout the film. I don't know if the film makers didn't have enough confidence in their material, but what they succeed in doing is bringing a scary scene to a full stop by trying to make it "scarier" (the entire truck stop scene later in the film is a perfect example of this). Eisner's direction is fine but the screenplay's pacing is a nightmare. When the military arrives, the story goes off the rails. This isn't the military, capable of containing a small town and erasing any trace of a chemical agent that is poisoning people, this is a bunch of extras with toy guns surrendering and fleeing every time something goes wrong. Even the logistics of containing a small town is off, as if the film makers had never stepped outside of Los Angeles County. I'm a North Dakotan, and very few small towns are not only in the middle of nowhere, but completely isolated from the outside world with citizens who never leave, making rounding them up so much easier. The summer setting is gorgeous, and understandable. God forbid they should shoot in a midwest winter, using the cold and snow to their advantage (as in "The Thing," for example).
Olyphant is fine as David, although he's responsible for about half the unnecessary jump scares. Mitchell is always good, I like how she's open to genre films since they number in her best work- "Phone Booth" and "Pitch Black." We don't learn too much about the virus and its origins, although seperating anyone who has an elevated temperature is rather familiar. The front end of the film is in such a hurry to get started that the middle lags, and the ending is unbelievable to an eye-rolling level.
"The Crazies" had potential, isolated small town horror often works, but in the film makers' desire to terrify, someone didn't go back and ask some logical questions.
Stats:
-Directed by Breck Eisner
-Screenplay by Scott Kosar and Ray Wright based on a motion picture written by George A. Romero
-Cast: Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Joe Anderson, Danielle Panabaker, Christie Lynn Smith, Brett Rickaby, Preston Bailey, John Aylward, Joe Reegan, Glenn Morshower
-Media: Amazon Prime Streaming
-Running Time: 101 minutes
-Rating: (* 1/2/* * * * *)
-MPAA Rated (R), contains strong physical violence, strong gun violence, strong gore, profanity, some adult situations
Saturday, May 2, 2026
Capsule Film Reviews: Volume 9- Lonely Video Reviews
So, we decided that Zero Peaks needed a video or movie review. I opted for video, since I had no way to get to the mall. Me and my fiancee trekked over to the local video rental place for a night of alternative film viewing.
First problem: what is alternative? Do I have to check out "Blue Velvet" for the umpteenth time? Should I get that strange little film from Sri Lanka containing two characters who stab at Caesar's salads and contemplate life for two and a half hours? Maybe I should check out "Ernest Saves Christmas" and be done with it...well, anyway, it was Friday night and there wasn't a thing left to watch. My fiancee and I blindly went up and down each aisle, picking up something, and then putting it back. Finally, we decided we'll grab what we could get.
The two videos we picked were the ones nobody wanted- the lonely videos that you grab out of desperation hoping they'll provide a little entertainment, and maybe a few unintentional laughs. Anything, as long as the story even remotely resembles the picture on the video box cover.
Our picks for the night were "Robot Jox" and "The Oval Portrait." The first film was directed by Stuart Gordon, who directed "The Re-Animator," "From Beyond," and "Dolls." The story took place fifty years after a nuclear holocaust, as most science fiction films do. The two warring sides use huge robots, about ten stories tall, to decide feuds over territory. The robots meet in a giant arena in Death Valley, and whoever's robot is left standing gets the match. Right away, I expected silly special effects along the lines of the "Godzilla" series of films. Guys dressed in robot suits falling on snap together models of recent cars. Boy, was I wrong.
The story concerns a robot jock, who operates the robot, and his last fight with an evil robot jock. Their first match is a draw, so they meet again to fight to the death, but they don't...I can't explain, but the film wasn't that bad. The effects were well done for such a cheap picture, and fans of NBC's "In the Heat of the Night" get to see Anne-Marie Johnson's bare butt. My fiancee didn't think a whole lot of the film because the big robots "squished people".
We weren't so lucky with our second film, "The Oval Portrait." It was made in 1973, with a Spanish film crew and an English speaking cast. Based on a page and a half Edgar Allan Poe story, this mess was obviously put on video to make a quick buck. The flashback scene in the film takes forty five minutes, and the director's idea of scary filming is to constantly zoom the camera in and out of the scene. Now I think I know what a grand mal seizure feels like. The cover of the video makes this one look great, but we giggled through the entire last third of the movie.
That's it for this edition. Look for more lonely video reviews in future issues, or you can do what we did: rented "Ghost" the next night and had a good cry.
"Robot Jox" (1989) 84 min. Grade C+
Directed by Stuart Gordon; Story by Stuart Gordon, Screenplay by Joe Haldeman; Featuring: Gary Graham, Anne-Marie Johnson, Paul Koslo, Robert Sampson, Danny Kamekona, Hilary Mason, Michael Alldredge
"The Oval Portrait" (1973) 86 min. Grade: D-
Directed by Rogelio Gonzalez, Jr.; Written by Enrique Torres based on a short story by Edgar Allan Poe; Featuring: Wanda Hendrix, Barry Coe, Gisele Mackenzie, Maray Ayres, Barney O'Sullivan, Doris Buckinham, Pia Shandel
So, my fiancee and I went back to the video rental store. We almost broke off our engagement as we wandered around arguing over what to get. After an hour, we had made up about three times and picked our choices for this issue.
"The Clan of the Cave Bear" is based on the best selling novel by Jean Auel. My fiancee has read it about a hundred times, and was finally going to see the movie. The heroine of the film is Ayla, played by Daryl Hannah ("Splash," "Steel Magnolias"), the first feminist Cro-Magnon cavewoman. She is adopted by a tribe of Neanderthals, who consider her ugly and bad luck. Pamela Reed ("The Best of Times," "Kindergarten Cop") has a great role as her adoptive mother. Ayla starts causing trouble by doing things like not bowing to the men and hunting on her own. The film was shot in British Columbia and is well done. The tribe communicate with grunts and gestures, which are all subtitled. My only problem is with Hannah, who looks like she strolled out of her hairdresser's salon to do this role. My fiancee liked it a little less, saying it was a disgrace to the book and Jean Auel. Yes, dear.
Next, we popped in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." We had never seen it before, so I guess that makes us "virgins"...but anyway, it was quite the experience. What can be said about this movie that hasn't been said so far? The plot, as it is, is indescribable. It is fun to watch big stars of today like Tim Curry ("Oscar," "Annie," "The Hunt for Red October"), Susan Sarandon ("Atlantic City," "Bull Durham," "Thelma & Louise") and Barry Bostwick (in just about every TV movie ever made) wearing corsets and stockings and having a jolly good time. Meat Loaf, that fat guy with the great voice, is also in this one. You've heard about it for years, just go rent it, you'll never forget it. My fiancee thought it was weird, strange, and kinky.
Finally, "The Unborn." Brooke Adams ("Invasion of the Body Snatchers") returns to the horror genre in a big way. The story is about this geneticist who is inseminating pregnant women with mutant sperm in order to build a master race. The gore is especially powerful because it involves alot of pregnant women and fetuses. It's a wild ride until the end, when bad special effects begin to unravel it. Of course, after seeing this, my fiancee doesn't want to bear any of my children after we are married.
Remember, go to your local video store and look for the lonely videos that no one else wants. And if you hear two people viciously arguing over whether to get "The Faces of Death" or "Porky's," just introduce yourself. My fiancee and I would love to meet you.
"The Clan of the Cave Bear" (1986) 100 min. Grade: B
Directed by Michael Chapman; Screenplay by John Sayles based on the novel by Jean Auel; Featuring: Daryl Hannah, Pamela Reed, James Remar, Thomas G. Waites, John Doolittle, Curtis Armstrong
"The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (1975) 100 min. Grade: A-
Directed by Jim Sharman; Featuring: Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Richard O'Brien, Jonathan Adams, Meat Loaf, Little Nell
"The Unborn" (1991) 89 min. Grade: C+
Written and Directed by Rodman Flender; Featuring: Brooke Adams, Jeff Hayenga, James Karen, K Callan, Jane Cameron, Kathy Cameron, Kathy Griffin
First problem: what is alternative? Do I have to check out "Blue Velvet" for the umpteenth time? Should I get that strange little film from Sri Lanka containing two characters who stab at Caesar's salads and contemplate life for two and a half hours? Maybe I should check out "Ernest Saves Christmas" and be done with it...well, anyway, it was Friday night and there wasn't a thing left to watch. My fiancee and I blindly went up and down each aisle, picking up something, and then putting it back. Finally, we decided we'll grab what we could get.
The two videos we picked were the ones nobody wanted- the lonely videos that you grab out of desperation hoping they'll provide a little entertainment, and maybe a few unintentional laughs. Anything, as long as the story even remotely resembles the picture on the video box cover.
Our picks for the night were "Robot Jox" and "The Oval Portrait." The first film was directed by Stuart Gordon, who directed "The Re-Animator," "From Beyond," and "Dolls." The story took place fifty years after a nuclear holocaust, as most science fiction films do. The two warring sides use huge robots, about ten stories tall, to decide feuds over territory. The robots meet in a giant arena in Death Valley, and whoever's robot is left standing gets the match. Right away, I expected silly special effects along the lines of the "Godzilla" series of films. Guys dressed in robot suits falling on snap together models of recent cars. Boy, was I wrong.
The story concerns a robot jock, who operates the robot, and his last fight with an evil robot jock. Their first match is a draw, so they meet again to fight to the death, but they don't...I can't explain, but the film wasn't that bad. The effects were well done for such a cheap picture, and fans of NBC's "In the Heat of the Night" get to see Anne-Marie Johnson's bare butt. My fiancee didn't think a whole lot of the film because the big robots "squished people".
We weren't so lucky with our second film, "The Oval Portrait." It was made in 1973, with a Spanish film crew and an English speaking cast. Based on a page and a half Edgar Allan Poe story, this mess was obviously put on video to make a quick buck. The flashback scene in the film takes forty five minutes, and the director's idea of scary filming is to constantly zoom the camera in and out of the scene. Now I think I know what a grand mal seizure feels like. The cover of the video makes this one look great, but we giggled through the entire last third of the movie.
That's it for this edition. Look for more lonely video reviews in future issues, or you can do what we did: rented "Ghost" the next night and had a good cry.
"Robot Jox" (1989) 84 min. Grade C+
Directed by Stuart Gordon; Story by Stuart Gordon, Screenplay by Joe Haldeman; Featuring: Gary Graham, Anne-Marie Johnson, Paul Koslo, Robert Sampson, Danny Kamekona, Hilary Mason, Michael Alldredge
"The Oval Portrait" (1973) 86 min. Grade: D-
Directed by Rogelio Gonzalez, Jr.; Written by Enrique Torres based on a short story by Edgar Allan Poe; Featuring: Wanda Hendrix, Barry Coe, Gisele Mackenzie, Maray Ayres, Barney O'Sullivan, Doris Buckinham, Pia Shandel
So, my fiancee and I went back to the video rental store. We almost broke off our engagement as we wandered around arguing over what to get. After an hour, we had made up about three times and picked our choices for this issue.
"The Clan of the Cave Bear" is based on the best selling novel by Jean Auel. My fiancee has read it about a hundred times, and was finally going to see the movie. The heroine of the film is Ayla, played by Daryl Hannah ("Splash," "Steel Magnolias"), the first feminist Cro-Magnon cavewoman. She is adopted by a tribe of Neanderthals, who consider her ugly and bad luck. Pamela Reed ("The Best of Times," "Kindergarten Cop") has a great role as her adoptive mother. Ayla starts causing trouble by doing things like not bowing to the men and hunting on her own. The film was shot in British Columbia and is well done. The tribe communicate with grunts and gestures, which are all subtitled. My only problem is with Hannah, who looks like she strolled out of her hairdresser's salon to do this role. My fiancee liked it a little less, saying it was a disgrace to the book and Jean Auel. Yes, dear.
Next, we popped in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." We had never seen it before, so I guess that makes us "virgins"...but anyway, it was quite the experience. What can be said about this movie that hasn't been said so far? The plot, as it is, is indescribable. It is fun to watch big stars of today like Tim Curry ("Oscar," "Annie," "The Hunt for Red October"), Susan Sarandon ("Atlantic City," "Bull Durham," "Thelma & Louise") and Barry Bostwick (in just about every TV movie ever made) wearing corsets and stockings and having a jolly good time. Meat Loaf, that fat guy with the great voice, is also in this one. You've heard about it for years, just go rent it, you'll never forget it. My fiancee thought it was weird, strange, and kinky.
Finally, "The Unborn." Brooke Adams ("Invasion of the Body Snatchers") returns to the horror genre in a big way. The story is about this geneticist who is inseminating pregnant women with mutant sperm in order to build a master race. The gore is especially powerful because it involves alot of pregnant women and fetuses. It's a wild ride until the end, when bad special effects begin to unravel it. Of course, after seeing this, my fiancee doesn't want to bear any of my children after we are married.
Remember, go to your local video store and look for the lonely videos that no one else wants. And if you hear two people viciously arguing over whether to get "The Faces of Death" or "Porky's," just introduce yourself. My fiancee and I would love to meet you.
"The Clan of the Cave Bear" (1986) 100 min. Grade: B
Directed by Michael Chapman; Screenplay by John Sayles based on the novel by Jean Auel; Featuring: Daryl Hannah, Pamela Reed, James Remar, Thomas G. Waites, John Doolittle, Curtis Armstrong
"The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (1975) 100 min. Grade: A-
Directed by Jim Sharman; Featuring: Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Richard O'Brien, Jonathan Adams, Meat Loaf, Little Nell
"The Unborn" (1991) 89 min. Grade: C+
Written and Directed by Rodman Flender; Featuring: Brooke Adams, Jeff Hayenga, James Karen, K Callan, Jane Cameron, Kathy Cameron, Kathy Griffin
Capsule Film Reviews: Volume 8
The Amateur Hookers
(1972) feature film (*) out of five stars
While on vacation, two young women turn to prostitution to pay their hotel bill. Typical 1970's porn, with hideous decor and equally hideous acting. Two of the men in this look so similar to one another, I fear they might be brothers. No performers or crew is credited, and that is probably the smartest decision anyone involved with this production made (good pirated jazz score, though). This is available from Something Weird Video on a double bill with "Finishing School" on DVD-R. (X)- Profanity, strong female nudity, strong male nudity, explicit sexual content, adult situations, alcohol consumption.
The Angry Red Planet
Directed by Ib Melchior, Screenplay by Ib Melchior and Sid Pink, Original Story by Sid Pink, Cast: Gerald Mohr, Nora Hayden, Les Tremayne, Jack Kruschen
(1959) feature film (* *) out of five stars
Pretty hysterical story of two surviving astronauts returning to Earth, and one recounting their adventures on Mars. To call this film sexist would be an understatement, the science and technology onboard the spacecraft is hilarious (yes, that is a manual typewriter), but the film's one saving grace is the bizarre special camera effect of the surface of the red planet. (Unrated)- Mild physical violence, very mild gun violence, some tobacco use.
The Finishing School
Cast: Rick Conlin, Henry Ferris, Lynn Holmes, Jim, Susan Westcott
(1971) feature film (*) out of five stars
A teacher instructs her female students how to pleasure a man so they will know what to do on their wedding nights in this silly porno. While the idea was played for laughs in "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life," in this story it comes off as sleazy, sleepy, and a little creepy. This is available from Something Weird Video on a double bill with "Amateur Hookers" on DVD-R. (X)- Profanity, strong female nudity, strong male nudity, explicit sexual content.
For Your Eyes Only
Directed by John Glen, Written by Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson, Cast: Roger Moore, Carole Bouquet, Topol, Lynn-Holly Johnson
(1981) feature film (* * * * *) out of five stars
Definitely my favorite James Bond entry, as 007 must retrieve a device that can control nuclear weapons before it falls into the wrong (Soviet) hands. Moore cruises through, the action is excellent, and the film moves along briskly. (PG)- Physical violence, gun violence, mild gore, some profanity, brief female nudity, sexual references, some adult situations.
Grey Matter
Directed by Joy N. Houck, Jr., Story and Screenplay by Joy N. Houck, Jr. & Christian Garrison & Thomas Hal Phillips, Cast: James Best, Barbara Burgess, Gerald McRaney, Gil Peterson
(1977) feature film (*) out of five stars
Oh, my gosh, I thought CBS prime-time television shows were the worst things Gerald McRaney appeared in. Four people are experimented on by a crazed mind control computer. That's it, don't rent it. I saw this under one of its many titles- "Grey Matter," and it is perhaps one of the worst films of recent memory. The other reviews are right, it is awful. Never have so many establishing shots appeared onscreen, NEVER. The cast is awful, the direction is awful, and the script is awful. I cannot stress how awful this is. Avoid it like you would smallpox. (PG13)- physical violence, some gun violence, mild gore, some profanity, and some adult situations.
Tomorrow Never Dies
Directed by Roger Spottiswoode, Written by Bruce Feirstein, Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Jonathan Pryce, Michelle Yeoh, Teri Hatcher
(1997) feature film (* * *) out of five stars
Great action but empty. This film takes 007 and turns him into just another action hero after one of those shady billionaire villains. The lagging plot is saved by some incredible stunt work, but the characters have been "updated" so badly are hardly recognizable. Joe Don Baker is terrible in his two scenes playing the obnoxious American the British love to hate, and Dench's coquettish smiles at Bond's behavior border on silly. Bring back Connery and Moore...heck, even Lazenby and Dalton.
The Trail Beyond
Directed by Robert N. Bradbury, Screenplay by Lindsley Parsons based on a story by James Oliver Curwood, Cast: John Wayne, Noah Beery Jr., Verna Hillie, Noah Beery Sr.
(1934) feature film (* * * *) out of five stars
One of Wayne's best B Films. After a whole lot of creaky, bad B westerns, Wayne triumphs here. The locations are great, the stuntwork is great, and his teaming with Beery is great. Some of the editing of previous stuntwork into the climax is ridiculous, but this film works pretty well in a fun, old movie way.
Winnie the Pooh: Cowboy Pooh
Cast: Jim Cummings, Michael Gough, Andre Stojka, Paul Winchell
(1994) television episodes (* * *) out of five stars
Pleasant enough entertainment. While this is just a collection of episodes from the television series, my toddler was captivated, even if the entertainment value for parents is negligible.
Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving
Directed by Jun Falkenstein, Karl Geurs, Gary Katona, Ed Wexler, Written by Barbara Slade, Cast: Jim Cummings, Paul Winchell, Brady Bluhm, Ken Sansom
(1999) feature film (*) out of five stars
Disney makes a quickie buck. Your children may love it, but this is a terrible headache for adults. Combining too many different styles of animation, and having to witness the "new" animation that looked amateur at best really sank this for me. I get the feeling the only reason this was released was to tack on the preview for "The Tigger Movie" at the beginning. Thanks a lot Disney, between this and "Lion King 2," your straight-to-video output leaves a lot to be desired.
Zentropa
Directed by Lars von Trier, Written by Lars von Trier & Niels Vorsel, Cast: Jean-Marc Barr, Barbara Sukowa, Udo Kier, Max von Sydow
(1992) feature film (* * * *) out of five stars
Goodtropa. One thing you can say about this film is you have never seen anything like it before. Most chilling is the soundtrack, although von Trier does over-direct once in a while. I did appreciate this more than his "Breaking the Waves."
(1972) feature film (*) out of five stars
While on vacation, two young women turn to prostitution to pay their hotel bill. Typical 1970's porn, with hideous decor and equally hideous acting. Two of the men in this look so similar to one another, I fear they might be brothers. No performers or crew is credited, and that is probably the smartest decision anyone involved with this production made (good pirated jazz score, though). This is available from Something Weird Video on a double bill with "Finishing School" on DVD-R. (X)- Profanity, strong female nudity, strong male nudity, explicit sexual content, adult situations, alcohol consumption.
The Angry Red Planet
Directed by Ib Melchior, Screenplay by Ib Melchior and Sid Pink, Original Story by Sid Pink, Cast: Gerald Mohr, Nora Hayden, Les Tremayne, Jack Kruschen
(1959) feature film (* *) out of five stars
Pretty hysterical story of two surviving astronauts returning to Earth, and one recounting their adventures on Mars. To call this film sexist would be an understatement, the science and technology onboard the spacecraft is hilarious (yes, that is a manual typewriter), but the film's one saving grace is the bizarre special camera effect of the surface of the red planet. (Unrated)- Mild physical violence, very mild gun violence, some tobacco use.
The Finishing School
Cast: Rick Conlin, Henry Ferris, Lynn Holmes, Jim, Susan Westcott
(1971) feature film (*) out of five stars
A teacher instructs her female students how to pleasure a man so they will know what to do on their wedding nights in this silly porno. While the idea was played for laughs in "Monty Python's The Meaning of Life," in this story it comes off as sleazy, sleepy, and a little creepy. This is available from Something Weird Video on a double bill with "Amateur Hookers" on DVD-R. (X)- Profanity, strong female nudity, strong male nudity, explicit sexual content.
For Your Eyes Only
Directed by John Glen, Written by Richard Maibaum and Michael G. Wilson, Cast: Roger Moore, Carole Bouquet, Topol, Lynn-Holly Johnson
(1981) feature film (* * * * *) out of five stars
Definitely my favorite James Bond entry, as 007 must retrieve a device that can control nuclear weapons before it falls into the wrong (Soviet) hands. Moore cruises through, the action is excellent, and the film moves along briskly. (PG)- Physical violence, gun violence, mild gore, some profanity, brief female nudity, sexual references, some adult situations.
Grey Matter
Directed by Joy N. Houck, Jr., Story and Screenplay by Joy N. Houck, Jr. & Christian Garrison & Thomas Hal Phillips, Cast: James Best, Barbara Burgess, Gerald McRaney, Gil Peterson
(1977) feature film (*) out of five stars
Oh, my gosh, I thought CBS prime-time television shows were the worst things Gerald McRaney appeared in. Four people are experimented on by a crazed mind control computer. That's it, don't rent it. I saw this under one of its many titles- "Grey Matter," and it is perhaps one of the worst films of recent memory. The other reviews are right, it is awful. Never have so many establishing shots appeared onscreen, NEVER. The cast is awful, the direction is awful, and the script is awful. I cannot stress how awful this is. Avoid it like you would smallpox. (PG13)- physical violence, some gun violence, mild gore, some profanity, and some adult situations.
Tomorrow Never Dies
Directed by Roger Spottiswoode, Written by Bruce Feirstein, Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Jonathan Pryce, Michelle Yeoh, Teri Hatcher
(1997) feature film (* * *) out of five stars
Great action but empty. This film takes 007 and turns him into just another action hero after one of those shady billionaire villains. The lagging plot is saved by some incredible stunt work, but the characters have been "updated" so badly are hardly recognizable. Joe Don Baker is terrible in his two scenes playing the obnoxious American the British love to hate, and Dench's coquettish smiles at Bond's behavior border on silly. Bring back Connery and Moore...heck, even Lazenby and Dalton.
The Trail Beyond
Directed by Robert N. Bradbury, Screenplay by Lindsley Parsons based on a story by James Oliver Curwood, Cast: John Wayne, Noah Beery Jr., Verna Hillie, Noah Beery Sr.
(1934) feature film (* * * *) out of five stars
One of Wayne's best B Films. After a whole lot of creaky, bad B westerns, Wayne triumphs here. The locations are great, the stuntwork is great, and his teaming with Beery is great. Some of the editing of previous stuntwork into the climax is ridiculous, but this film works pretty well in a fun, old movie way.
Winnie the Pooh: Cowboy Pooh
Cast: Jim Cummings, Michael Gough, Andre Stojka, Paul Winchell
(1994) television episodes (* * *) out of five stars
Pleasant enough entertainment. While this is just a collection of episodes from the television series, my toddler was captivated, even if the entertainment value for parents is negligible.
Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving
Directed by Jun Falkenstein, Karl Geurs, Gary Katona, Ed Wexler, Written by Barbara Slade, Cast: Jim Cummings, Paul Winchell, Brady Bluhm, Ken Sansom
(1999) feature film (*) out of five stars
Disney makes a quickie buck. Your children may love it, but this is a terrible headache for adults. Combining too many different styles of animation, and having to witness the "new" animation that looked amateur at best really sank this for me. I get the feeling the only reason this was released was to tack on the preview for "The Tigger Movie" at the beginning. Thanks a lot Disney, between this and "Lion King 2," your straight-to-video output leaves a lot to be desired.
Zentropa
Directed by Lars von Trier, Written by Lars von Trier & Niels Vorsel, Cast: Jean-Marc Barr, Barbara Sukowa, Udo Kier, Max von Sydow
(1992) feature film (* * * *) out of five stars
Goodtropa. One thing you can say about this film is you have never seen anything like it before. Most chilling is the soundtrack, although von Trier does over-direct once in a while. I did appreciate this more than his "Breaking the Waves."
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