New York City based performance artist and photographer Richard Kern shot experimental films in the 1980's and early 1990's, and this DVD puts them together. All the films are under forty minutes, and fill both sides of the disc.
The short films are reviewed individually:
On DVD Side A:
"Death Valley 69" (1986) 6 minutes (4/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern, Judith Barry, and Sonic Youth
This is a bizarre mix of images combined to make what amounts to a music video. Faked crime scenes, cruise missiles, gun toting band members, a secreted switchblade; it is all funky and the song isn't half bad either. Some of the footage is from the later "Submit to Me" films.
"The Right Side of My Brain" (1985) 25 minutes (2/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
Lydia Lunch comes along and puts the "hardcore" in "The Hardcore Collection," and promptly bores the audience to death. This surrealistic poetry reading makes no sense and drags on for what seems like forever. Almost worth it just to see a young Henry Rollins with shoulder length hair.
"You Killed Me First" (1985) 11 minutes (2/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
Teen angst is taken to a bloody finale in this badly written and directed short. The actors struggle with ad-libbing, tripping over each other's lines, and the sloppy editing highlights this. A definite letdown, considering the strong ending.
"The Bitches" (1992) 9 minutes (4/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
Two competing women seduce a man, and the trio participates in a threesome that ends up reversing gender identities. The black and white film is creepy, and not that sexy, but still good.
"The Sewing Circle" (1992) 7 minutes (2/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
Two women sew another woman's vagina shut in living color...I am realizing Kern's performers are as sick as he is...
"X is Y" (1990) 3 minutes (2/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
Despite some good sound mixing, this is a pointless exercise in images as attractive women sport guns and rifles. Pointless.
"Fingered" (1986) 24 minutes (3/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
Lydia Lunch returns as a phone sex operator who hooks up with one of her clients. They go on a crime spree, memorably kidnapping and terrorizing a young teen girl (Lung Leg). If you take away all the hardcore sex and violence, this has all been done before. Lunch is always watchable, however.
On DVD Side B:
"Horoscope" (1991) 4 minutes (3/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
A young woman reads her horoscope at work, goes home, and fantasizes that she is being fought over by two nude men. It does not help that one of the guys looks like Morrissey! Typical Kern, the film does not follow through on the original idea.
"Submit to Me Now" (1987) 19 minutes (4/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
Kern's cast of irregulars combine to act out various sadomasochistic practices before the film delves into gory self mutilation. While it wears out its welcome after a bit, this is still one of Kern's strongest films, with nightmarish images.
"My Nightmare" (1993) 6 minutes (4/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
A photographer (Richard Kern) graphically masturbates to a sexual fantasy of his model, but the real thing shows up and is not as uninhibited as he would like. Explicit sexuality, this time with a payoff that does work.
"The Manhattan Love Suicides" (1985) 36 minutes (4/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
This film is actually made up of four vignettes: "Stray Dogs" has a model trying to get an artist's attention by literally coming apart. "Woman at the Wheel" has a gal and a new car, and how the men in her life won't let her enjoy driving. Co directed and starring Nick Zedd, "Thrust in Me" has a woman committing suicide, and her boyfriend's rather strange reaction...Zedd plays both parts! "I Hate You Now" has a disfigured pot dealer and his girlfriend, who decides to join him in his disability with the help of a steam iron. All four are bizarre, but maybe I have been watching enough Kern by now to actually get them, I think.
"Submit to Me" (1986) 10 min. (4/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
More of the same type of imagery as "Submit to Me Now," and still bloody weird.
"The Evil Cameraman" (1990) 11 min. (4/5*)
Directed by Richard Kern
Kern is himself, putting female models through hell. Kern's final film on the DVD may be one of his best.
The disc extras consist of chapter listings, highlighting each film with cast and credits, and many still photographs from the films.
After a couple of hours of Kern's stuff, I'm worn out. If you are into guerilla and underground film making, this DVD is for you. You can see Kern as either a brilliant artist or a sadomasochistic exhibitionist...or both. If your film tastes run toward the bizarre and extreme, enjoy.
Tuesday, April 21, 2026
Amazing Stories: Book One (1992)
Two episodes from the short-lived 1980's fantasy television series are cobbled together and released as a feature length film. The two episodes, reviewed individually, are:
The Mission (Directed by Steven Spielberg) ***
During WWII, a bomber departs on its twenty-fourth and final mission. Among those aboard are the captain (Kevin Costner), Static (Kiefer Sutherland) the radio operator, and amateur cartoonist Jonathan (Casey Siemaszko), the belly turret gunner and the crew's lucky charm. The mission is successful, but Jonathan gets stuck in the underside gunner's bubble after the aircraft collides with an enemy plane. The landing gear is destroyed, and the crew tries to get Jonathan out of the plexiglass and aluminum cage before the plane lands and kills him.
This episode does have quite a lot of suspense and emotion, but the whimsical finale takes away all of the tension. The cast is very good, but Spielberg tries to do too much with obvious indoor sets. A nice way to blow forty-five minutes, but not much else. If you are quick, you can spot Anthony LaPaglia as an airplane mechanic.
The Wedding Ring (Directed by Danny DeVito) ****
Rhea Perlman is Lois, a mousy diner waitress who lets her boss and co-worker walk all over her. She is celebrating her ten year anniversary with almost equally mousy husband Herbert (Danny DeVito), who works in an Atlantic City wax museum. Forgetting their anniversary, Herbert steals a ring from the Black Widow display and gives it to Lois. He doesn't realize that the ring is authentic, and Lois is turned into a sex maniac bent on murder.
The funnier of the two episodes has DeVito and Perlman's unquestionable chemistry, some funny ideas, and a perfect running time of about thirty-five minutes. This episode also suffers from John Williams' overly enthusiastic musical score.
I am going to give the video three stars but I still recommend it. Executive producer Spielberg wrote the stories for the two episodes, and has an undeniable love for the fantastic anthology genre. Other "Amazing Stories" 'films' followed, but at only seventy minutes, you get an okay way to kill some time.
The Mission (Directed by Steven Spielberg) ***
During WWII, a bomber departs on its twenty-fourth and final mission. Among those aboard are the captain (Kevin Costner), Static (Kiefer Sutherland) the radio operator, and amateur cartoonist Jonathan (Casey Siemaszko), the belly turret gunner and the crew's lucky charm. The mission is successful, but Jonathan gets stuck in the underside gunner's bubble after the aircraft collides with an enemy plane. The landing gear is destroyed, and the crew tries to get Jonathan out of the plexiglass and aluminum cage before the plane lands and kills him.
This episode does have quite a lot of suspense and emotion, but the whimsical finale takes away all of the tension. The cast is very good, but Spielberg tries to do too much with obvious indoor sets. A nice way to blow forty-five minutes, but not much else. If you are quick, you can spot Anthony LaPaglia as an airplane mechanic.
The Wedding Ring (Directed by Danny DeVito) ****
Rhea Perlman is Lois, a mousy diner waitress who lets her boss and co-worker walk all over her. She is celebrating her ten year anniversary with almost equally mousy husband Herbert (Danny DeVito), who works in an Atlantic City wax museum. Forgetting their anniversary, Herbert steals a ring from the Black Widow display and gives it to Lois. He doesn't realize that the ring is authentic, and Lois is turned into a sex maniac bent on murder.
The funnier of the two episodes has DeVito and Perlman's unquestionable chemistry, some funny ideas, and a perfect running time of about thirty-five minutes. This episode also suffers from John Williams' overly enthusiastic musical score.
I am going to give the video three stars but I still recommend it. Executive producer Spielberg wrote the stories for the two episodes, and has an undeniable love for the fantastic anthology genre. Other "Amazing Stories" 'films' followed, but at only seventy minutes, you get an okay way to kill some time.
Farrah Fawcett: All of Me (1997)
I am thirty four years old and grew up watching "Charlie's Angels," although I always had a crush on Kate Jackson and Cheryl Ladd. When Fawcett had a brief nude scene in "Saturn 3," I begged my father to take me. He would not. Now, finally, I was going to see Fawcett in her altogether. Ten minutes into the video, I was already bored and looking to see what was on "Dateline."
The first few minutes of this are like A&E's "Biography," but with bare knockers. Everyone talks about how wonderful Fawcett was, never mentioning "Somebody Killed Her Husband," and how brave she was to do this nude layout. Then it gets really bizarre. We see Fawcett going through the "I'm naked" photography shoot, but we also see behind the scenes footage as she seems to be having an emotional breakdown. She is sobbing, calls someone on the phone because she is emotionally insecure (who? her therapist? son? Ryan O'Neal?), and argues with the young hot photographer. I kept waiting for the "erotic" part.
The most talked about section of the video is Farrah- the Nude Sculptress and Body Painter. She molds a few pieces of clay into a nude female figure, shedding her clothes and putting clay on herself (why? to test the clay's consistency? tell herself where to put her hands? remind herself what a female figure feels like?). The video makers go for a little lesbian erotica point of view here, and it feels really fake. Finally, she uses herself as a human paint brush and rubs herself on the canvas, creating what I call "boobie art." In the behind the scenes section, Fawcett goes on and on about how she forgot the cameras were there since she was working on her art. Yes, I am sure she sculpts in the nude all the time, painting herself with gold paint, then rubbing herself on the walls of her studio. For fun, every time Fawcett mentions "MY ART," scream at the top of your lungs, you will feel better (except for a sore throat).
The video makers unwisely show a few clips from Fawcett's best films- "The Burning Bed" and "Extremities." The violence of the films is shocking. The video makers then list the many awards Fawcett has won for her film work- Golden Globes (how ironic), Emmys, etc. You begin to think, wow, what a talent.
Then, we go right back into the endless soft video of Fawcett being nekkid and not doing much else. The final clip has her in a Louise Brooks wig, and dropping her clothes because Rosalind Russell once said being an actress is like standing naked in public and turning slowly. The End.
The video itself is directed by hyperactive cameras on little railroad tracks. This creates a swooping effect that made me sick to my stomach more than Aaron Spelling and Hugh Hefner's constant awe at Fawcett's "bravery" for appearing in the buff. You will be left with the feeling that Fawcett, much like Shari Belafonte, Margaux Hemingway, Tahnee Welch, and Dana Plato, posed for Playboy for a nonexistent career boost and nothing else.
I have grown up since the 1970's, Miss Fawcett, maybe you should do the same thing. Also known as "Playboy: Farrah Fawcett: All of Me."
The first few minutes of this are like A&E's "Biography," but with bare knockers. Everyone talks about how wonderful Fawcett was, never mentioning "Somebody Killed Her Husband," and how brave she was to do this nude layout. Then it gets really bizarre. We see Fawcett going through the "I'm naked" photography shoot, but we also see behind the scenes footage as she seems to be having an emotional breakdown. She is sobbing, calls someone on the phone because she is emotionally insecure (who? her therapist? son? Ryan O'Neal?), and argues with the young hot photographer. I kept waiting for the "erotic" part.
The most talked about section of the video is Farrah- the Nude Sculptress and Body Painter. She molds a few pieces of clay into a nude female figure, shedding her clothes and putting clay on herself (why? to test the clay's consistency? tell herself where to put her hands? remind herself what a female figure feels like?). The video makers go for a little lesbian erotica point of view here, and it feels really fake. Finally, she uses herself as a human paint brush and rubs herself on the canvas, creating what I call "boobie art." In the behind the scenes section, Fawcett goes on and on about how she forgot the cameras were there since she was working on her art. Yes, I am sure she sculpts in the nude all the time, painting herself with gold paint, then rubbing herself on the walls of her studio. For fun, every time Fawcett mentions "MY ART," scream at the top of your lungs, you will feel better (except for a sore throat).
The video makers unwisely show a few clips from Fawcett's best films- "The Burning Bed" and "Extremities." The violence of the films is shocking. The video makers then list the many awards Fawcett has won for her film work- Golden Globes (how ironic), Emmys, etc. You begin to think, wow, what a talent.
Then, we go right back into the endless soft video of Fawcett being nekkid and not doing much else. The final clip has her in a Louise Brooks wig, and dropping her clothes because Rosalind Russell once said being an actress is like standing naked in public and turning slowly. The End.
The video itself is directed by hyperactive cameras on little railroad tracks. This creates a swooping effect that made me sick to my stomach more than Aaron Spelling and Hugh Hefner's constant awe at Fawcett's "bravery" for appearing in the buff. You will be left with the feeling that Fawcett, much like Shari Belafonte, Margaux Hemingway, Tahnee Welch, and Dana Plato, posed for Playboy for a nonexistent career boost and nothing else.
I have grown up since the 1970's, Miss Fawcett, maybe you should do the same thing. Also known as "Playboy: Farrah Fawcett: All of Me."
The Best of Sex Bytes (1997)
"Sex Bytes" is an HBO series that is a carbon copy of "Real Sex," but dresses itself up with a tenuous computer and internet connection. This hour long tape is a series of little stories about fetishes and other strange sexual practices, usually with the participants defending their lifestyle.
The first segment deals with Sploshing, or combining food and sex. Different free spirits cavort for the camera, covered in different items you normally find at a convenience store. The gang talks about food and meals as foreplay (ad nauseum), before one beautiful woman is turned into a human banana split. While the ladies here are beautiful, everyone unfortunately opens their mouths (to talk) and come off as complete idiots. Check out the blond who praises her big cheeks (facial) because she can mix a lot of food in her mouth and spit it back out on her lover. Yum-not...
The next segment features a pretty woman with underarm hair regaling us with the joys of whipping. This is also a pretty bland episode, and I began to wonder about everyone's sanity when the woman said she preferred the whipping to actual sex.
Human sculpting was interesting just because of the scariest lesbian I have ever seen (and that includes Agnes Moorehead). A dental worker got the idea to use denture mold plaster on nude bodies in different positions, and making an identical cast of the subjects. Before you can say "overbite," a lesbian couple are posing for the messy artistic endeavor. The talky one has a full beard. I don't mean some facial fuzz that some women, and James Van Der Beek, have. This gal has a full on beard, giving Francis Ford Coppola a run for his money. She calls herself "gender neutral," I call her "Sasquatch."
Next is the story of the punk rock band Impotent Sea Snakes. These are five guys in drag who invite audience members up on stage to have actual intercourse during the concert. Inhibitions, and fears of sexually transmitted diseases, are shed so people can get groped, fondled, and pierced. The sex part of the show is what brings people in, the music I heard was less than listenable.
The public nudity story was the first one that featured any connection between sex and cyberspace. Sara St. James (Jacqueline Lovell), a clone of Cameron Diaz, walks around southern California nude, and has a photographer snap pictures for posting on her website. It helps that St. James is gorgeous, and the reactions to her nude rollerblading is pretty funny. She does skydive nude, and the wind velocity's effect on her breasts might be worthy of a university study.
The silliest part of the tape is the one dealing with Sex Magic. Two punkers with haircuts that threaten to be more interesting than anything they say start talking about the spiritual side of sex. These two do not just make love, they leave their bodies and "astral travel in the sexual universe." Throw in laughable talk about the third eye (the one on the forehead) and tantra energy, and this whole segment is a yawnfest.
Next are more beautiful bodies at a swingers' resort in Mexico. Again, the women are gorgeous, but it seems sad to watch them try to justify their collective horniness by pontificating about how much stronger their relationships are. The best part? Watching a mariachi band play while the six take part in some swimming pool passion.
The next two segments are both short and boring. There is a guy who has a foot fetish, and watching him slurp and lick an otherwise beautiful woman's feet is funny. Then, another computer themed story talks about Sizzle, an online virtual strip club. Patrons just watch the women strip from the comfort of their computers. This is also the first time on the tape where breast implants make themselves boldly known.
At this point, while I appreciated all the beautiful skin, I knew the majority of the video's viewers did not have perfect bodies and chiseled good looks, much less a chance (or desire) to participate in these acts. What about us fat people?
Cue Candye Kane, a voluptuous woman whose measurements are 54-38-48. Candye seems halfway intelligent, talking about how cybersex can serve to stave off the onslaught of AIDS. She has a cabaret act, and a big fun voice that reminded me of Mama Cass. Of course, then Candye killed any respect I mustered, as I am pretty sure Mama Cass did not bury her face in a man's crotch onstage before taking her top off to play the keyboard with her breasts. Talk about your large pianists.
In the end, "The Best of Sex Bytes" is nothing more than softcore porn disguised as serious documentary. All of the interview subjects can barely put a thought together, more worried that the viewer might see what they do as weird. It is weird, but we all like to watch, too.
I will recommend this based on the physical beauty alone, but I doubt these same people will ever be heard from again unless you watch "Jerry Springer"...or it's sweeps week on "20/20." Also known as "HBO Presents The Best of Sex Bytes."
The first segment deals with Sploshing, or combining food and sex. Different free spirits cavort for the camera, covered in different items you normally find at a convenience store. The gang talks about food and meals as foreplay (ad nauseum), before one beautiful woman is turned into a human banana split. While the ladies here are beautiful, everyone unfortunately opens their mouths (to talk) and come off as complete idiots. Check out the blond who praises her big cheeks (facial) because she can mix a lot of food in her mouth and spit it back out on her lover. Yum-not...
The next segment features a pretty woman with underarm hair regaling us with the joys of whipping. This is also a pretty bland episode, and I began to wonder about everyone's sanity when the woman said she preferred the whipping to actual sex.
Human sculpting was interesting just because of the scariest lesbian I have ever seen (and that includes Agnes Moorehead). A dental worker got the idea to use denture mold plaster on nude bodies in different positions, and making an identical cast of the subjects. Before you can say "overbite," a lesbian couple are posing for the messy artistic endeavor. The talky one has a full beard. I don't mean some facial fuzz that some women, and James Van Der Beek, have. This gal has a full on beard, giving Francis Ford Coppola a run for his money. She calls herself "gender neutral," I call her "Sasquatch."
Next is the story of the punk rock band Impotent Sea Snakes. These are five guys in drag who invite audience members up on stage to have actual intercourse during the concert. Inhibitions, and fears of sexually transmitted diseases, are shed so people can get groped, fondled, and pierced. The sex part of the show is what brings people in, the music I heard was less than listenable.
The public nudity story was the first one that featured any connection between sex and cyberspace. Sara St. James (Jacqueline Lovell), a clone of Cameron Diaz, walks around southern California nude, and has a photographer snap pictures for posting on her website. It helps that St. James is gorgeous, and the reactions to her nude rollerblading is pretty funny. She does skydive nude, and the wind velocity's effect on her breasts might be worthy of a university study.
The silliest part of the tape is the one dealing with Sex Magic. Two punkers with haircuts that threaten to be more interesting than anything they say start talking about the spiritual side of sex. These two do not just make love, they leave their bodies and "astral travel in the sexual universe." Throw in laughable talk about the third eye (the one on the forehead) and tantra energy, and this whole segment is a yawnfest.
Next are more beautiful bodies at a swingers' resort in Mexico. Again, the women are gorgeous, but it seems sad to watch them try to justify their collective horniness by pontificating about how much stronger their relationships are. The best part? Watching a mariachi band play while the six take part in some swimming pool passion.
The next two segments are both short and boring. There is a guy who has a foot fetish, and watching him slurp and lick an otherwise beautiful woman's feet is funny. Then, another computer themed story talks about Sizzle, an online virtual strip club. Patrons just watch the women strip from the comfort of their computers. This is also the first time on the tape where breast implants make themselves boldly known.
At this point, while I appreciated all the beautiful skin, I knew the majority of the video's viewers did not have perfect bodies and chiseled good looks, much less a chance (or desire) to participate in these acts. What about us fat people?
Cue Candye Kane, a voluptuous woman whose measurements are 54-38-48. Candye seems halfway intelligent, talking about how cybersex can serve to stave off the onslaught of AIDS. She has a cabaret act, and a big fun voice that reminded me of Mama Cass. Of course, then Candye killed any respect I mustered, as I am pretty sure Mama Cass did not bury her face in a man's crotch onstage before taking her top off to play the keyboard with her breasts. Talk about your large pianists.
In the end, "The Best of Sex Bytes" is nothing more than softcore porn disguised as serious documentary. All of the interview subjects can barely put a thought together, more worried that the viewer might see what they do as weird. It is weird, but we all like to watch, too.
I will recommend this based on the physical beauty alone, but I doubt these same people will ever be heard from again unless you watch "Jerry Springer"...or it's sweeps week on "20/20." Also known as "HBO Presents The Best of Sex Bytes."
Monday, April 20, 2026
Star Wars: Episode II- Attack of the Clones (2002)
George Lucas returns, ready to milk more money from a frothing science fiction cult that still takes his lousy writing like the sadomasochists we have become.
My plot summary will be spotty, since the politics here are more complicated than "All the President's Men." On her way to an important senate vote, someone tries to kill cutie Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman). Protection is called in in the form of wiser Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and brooding hunky Annakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen). After another attempt, and a fantastic chase scene in flying vehicles, Obi-Wan investigates whomever is behind the assassination plots as Annakin takes Padme to her home planet to hide out. Meanwhile, Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson) and Yoda (voiced by Frank Oz) sit around in lotus positions and wring their respective appendages as civil war appears imminent in the galaxy.
Obi-Wan traces his investigations to a far off planet, where he finds a bounty hunter named Jengo Fett and a massive army of his clones, all created for the use of the good guys...I think. Obi and Fett fight, in another impressive battle on the watery planet. In the meantime, Padme and Annakin are making like Lady and the Tramp, full of goo goo eyes and light petting. Annakin goes searching for his mother, finds her dying, and goes berserk, killing all of those responsible for her kidnapping, men, women, and children (off screen).
Obi-Wan is captured by the evil minions run by Dooku (Christopher Lee), our villain for the film. Padme and Annakin try a rescue, are captured after getting trapped in a massive droid factory, and the reunited trio must fight off assorted execution monsters. As Yoda, Mace, and all those clones come in to save the day, the final half hour is a dazzling display of technical marvel, readying us for the next film.
After sitting through "Episode I," this film was the first installment of "Star Wars" I chose not to see in the theaters. The scenes with Ewan McGregor crack and pop with tension, he does a fantastic Alec Guinness impression without slowing down physically. Christensen and Portman are both young, smart, and good looking performers who are given stilted dialogue to try and work with. Their scenes are the silliest love scenes since Ben and Liv in "Armageddon." The normally superb Samuel L. Jackson is as stiff as his costume.
The blame must fall squarely on the shoulders of Master Lucas. His actors seem so overwhelmed to be in a "Star Wars" film that they treat their lines with a reverence that sucks all the fun out of it. Lucas tries to hit on so many plot points and ideas, he spreads himself too thin. The first three films in the series were great fun, but these prequels are not working! Why didn't George go the "The Godfather Part II" route and move his story forward while showing us what happened to get us there in the first place? The fact that we know Annakin is going to turn into Darth Vader takes the solar winds out of his sails, and he tries to cover by dazzling us with pretty lights and shiny objects.
I remember the hoopla that sprung up with each release of the first three films. It was good guys versus bad guys, and we loved the good guys. In the new films, our brains are overrun with hints of those films, and I, for one, miss them.
The special effects are brilliant, McGregor is excellent, but watching this film is like reading the recipe for a cake you just ate- there is no point to it, you have already consumed the payoff. I am disappointed with George Lucas.
Obi-Wan traces his investigations to a far off planet, where he finds a bounty hunter named Jengo Fett and a massive army of his clones, all created for the use of the good guys...I think. Obi and Fett fight, in another impressive battle on the watery planet. In the meantime, Padme and Annakin are making like Lady and the Tramp, full of goo goo eyes and light petting. Annakin goes searching for his mother, finds her dying, and goes berserk, killing all of those responsible for her kidnapping, men, women, and children (off screen).
Obi-Wan is captured by the evil minions run by Dooku (Christopher Lee), our villain for the film. Padme and Annakin try a rescue, are captured after getting trapped in a massive droid factory, and the reunited trio must fight off assorted execution monsters. As Yoda, Mace, and all those clones come in to save the day, the final half hour is a dazzling display of technical marvel, readying us for the next film.
After sitting through "Episode I," this film was the first installment of "Star Wars" I chose not to see in the theaters. The scenes with Ewan McGregor crack and pop with tension, he does a fantastic Alec Guinness impression without slowing down physically. Christensen and Portman are both young, smart, and good looking performers who are given stilted dialogue to try and work with. Their scenes are the silliest love scenes since Ben and Liv in "Armageddon." The normally superb Samuel L. Jackson is as stiff as his costume.
The blame must fall squarely on the shoulders of Master Lucas. His actors seem so overwhelmed to be in a "Star Wars" film that they treat their lines with a reverence that sucks all the fun out of it. Lucas tries to hit on so many plot points and ideas, he spreads himself too thin. The first three films in the series were great fun, but these prequels are not working! Why didn't George go the "The Godfather Part II" route and move his story forward while showing us what happened to get us there in the first place? The fact that we know Annakin is going to turn into Darth Vader takes the solar winds out of his sails, and he tries to cover by dazzling us with pretty lights and shiny objects.
I remember the hoopla that sprung up with each release of the first three films. It was good guys versus bad guys, and we loved the good guys. In the new films, our brains are overrun with hints of those films, and I, for one, miss them.
The special effects are brilliant, McGregor is excellent, but watching this film is like reading the recipe for a cake you just ate- there is no point to it, you have already consumed the payoff. I am disappointed with George Lucas.
Red Shoe Diaries 3: Another Woman's Lipstick (1993)
David Duchovny still plays Jake, the betrayed man who only gets through life thanks to his dog Stella and a personals ad that requests sexual situations from its readers.
The responses are anonymous, Jake reads the letters while trying to understand what happened to him when he lost his one true love, and the viewer is tantalized with nude B name actors and actresses in this semi-popular late night cable series. Each of the three tales on the video is reviewed separately below:
"Just Like That" (Directed by Ted Kotcheff) (1992)
This is a rather simple tale, without much depth or sex. The always cute Nina Siemaszko is a law student working as a receptionist in a law office. She meets bike messenger Kyle (Matt LeBlanc, in a role not even Joey would have taken on "Friends") and Phillip (Tcheky Karyo). She begins dating both, and having amazingly well lit sex with both, and eventually suffers a bit of a breakdown trying to keep her relationships straight. While nothing earth shattering happens, all eyes are on Nina. The entire video has a distinct lack of male nudity (sorry, ladies and some gents) but Siemaszko is flat out gorgeous. Watching a familiar face like LeBlanc go through the paces is also entertaining, although he does not get as much bed time with Nina as Karyo does. An average effort, directed by a name director. (3/5*)
"Another Woman's Lipstick" (Directed by Zalman King) (1992)
I don't know who in the world would want to cheat on Maryam D'Abo, but Robert (Kevin Haley) does with Christina Fulton. Maryam finds out, mopes a bit, spies on her husband, then tries to seduce the other woman herself. An interesting concept turns into all-style as King goes through the motions here. A body double may have been used in some close-up shots of D'Abo, and even the sex is rather mild. Watch for Fulton's striptease with a lamp, as concern for light bulb burns take precedence over any erotica. (2/5*)
"Talk to Me, Baby" (Directed by Rafael Eisenman)
Bud (Richard Tyson) and his girlfriend Lydie Denier fight constantly but have an incredible sexual history. One night out, Bud tries to comfort a wet T-shirt contest winner by having sex with her in the men's room, and is discovered by Denier. The rest of the episode is a virtual monologue as Bud tries to defend himself, tries to get Denier to talk, and eventually goes to great lengths in a souped up muscle car to do so. Tyson is an underrated actor who also starred in "Two Moon Junction," and has been banished to either softcore or secondary roles. For such a jerk, Bud does elicit some sympathy. Also watchable are some of Bud's remembrances of the past. While most of the sex in this series was mostly over-choreographed nibbling exercises, there is a shower scene here that made me drop my Pop-Tart. The best of the video. (4/5*)
David Duchovny's Jake serves as a bumper between the three episodes, and his scenes are a bore. I remember the first "Red Shoe Diaries," and Jake's heartfelt pain, but now he is just a weird guy who reads smut and talks to his trained dog, reaching no insightful conclusions about his circumstances through the musky missives.
"Red Shoe Diaries 3: Another Woman's Lipstick" is a mixed bag of softcore erotica. If you are a fan of the series, then by all means go for it. If you and your partner are looking for something to jazz up your nightlife, maybe you'll find it. If you are a fat divorced guy reviewing obscure videos on the internet, you will give this an average rating and move on.
"Just Like That" (Directed by Ted Kotcheff) (1992)
This is a rather simple tale, without much depth or sex. The always cute Nina Siemaszko is a law student working as a receptionist in a law office. She meets bike messenger Kyle (Matt LeBlanc, in a role not even Joey would have taken on "Friends") and Phillip (Tcheky Karyo). She begins dating both, and having amazingly well lit sex with both, and eventually suffers a bit of a breakdown trying to keep her relationships straight. While nothing earth shattering happens, all eyes are on Nina. The entire video has a distinct lack of male nudity (sorry, ladies and some gents) but Siemaszko is flat out gorgeous. Watching a familiar face like LeBlanc go through the paces is also entertaining, although he does not get as much bed time with Nina as Karyo does. An average effort, directed by a name director. (3/5*)
"Another Woman's Lipstick" (Directed by Zalman King) (1992)
I don't know who in the world would want to cheat on Maryam D'Abo, but Robert (Kevin Haley) does with Christina Fulton. Maryam finds out, mopes a bit, spies on her husband, then tries to seduce the other woman herself. An interesting concept turns into all-style as King goes through the motions here. A body double may have been used in some close-up shots of D'Abo, and even the sex is rather mild. Watch for Fulton's striptease with a lamp, as concern for light bulb burns take precedence over any erotica. (2/5*)
"Talk to Me, Baby" (Directed by Rafael Eisenman)
Bud (Richard Tyson) and his girlfriend Lydie Denier fight constantly but have an incredible sexual history. One night out, Bud tries to comfort a wet T-shirt contest winner by having sex with her in the men's room, and is discovered by Denier. The rest of the episode is a virtual monologue as Bud tries to defend himself, tries to get Denier to talk, and eventually goes to great lengths in a souped up muscle car to do so. Tyson is an underrated actor who also starred in "Two Moon Junction," and has been banished to either softcore or secondary roles. For such a jerk, Bud does elicit some sympathy. Also watchable are some of Bud's remembrances of the past. While most of the sex in this series was mostly over-choreographed nibbling exercises, there is a shower scene here that made me drop my Pop-Tart. The best of the video. (4/5*)
David Duchovny's Jake serves as a bumper between the three episodes, and his scenes are a bore. I remember the first "Red Shoe Diaries," and Jake's heartfelt pain, but now he is just a weird guy who reads smut and talks to his trained dog, reaching no insightful conclusions about his circumstances through the musky missives.
"Red Shoe Diaries 3: Another Woman's Lipstick" is a mixed bag of softcore erotica. If you are a fan of the series, then by all means go for it. If you and your partner are looking for something to jazz up your nightlife, maybe you'll find it. If you are a fat divorced guy reviewing obscure videos on the internet, you will give this an average rating and move on.
Jesus: Path of Faith (1999)
This film goes to the Holy Land and retraces the life of Jesus Christ by visiting the actual places where the stories found in the New Testament take place. However...
...the narrator uses the term "traditional site" more often than not, and we can only assume the miracles mentioned took place at the location where a chapel sits or a sign points the way for pilgrimages.
The video box proudly proclaims that the documentary will visit forty sites...in fifty two minutes. You may be familiar with that television commercial where the two women are taken on a whirlwind tour of Rome in a car, and one woman's pictures do not turn out well because of the speed of the driver. I felt this way about the documentary.
The introduction jumps back and forth between Jerusalem, Nazareth, Bethlehem, and Nazareth again, getting ahead of itself before finally settling down and telling a time linear story of Jesus' life. All the major sites are hit: Jordan River, Desert of Judea (with the best footage featuring monasteries that are literally hugging cliff walls), and St. Peter's house.
Through the different locations, the narrator tells us of Jesus' life and what occurred at each spot. The feeding of five thousand, the Tomb of Lazarus, and his eventual crucifixion are all highlighted, and the camera shows us the beautiful chapels that have been built on the "traditional sites" as well as floods of Christian pilgrims celebrating Jesus.
While the architecture and scenery are sights (or sites?) to behold, the film left me empty. A thorough knowledge of Christianity is not needed to follow the video. However, I thought each location could have driven a fifty two minute video of its own. Forty locations in fifty two minutes averages to just over one minutes per location. Lazarus' tomb is given a scant fifteen seconds! Also, the sweeping aerial shots are gorgeous until you see the shadow of the camera's helicopter creep in and out of frame. I am not that much of a purist, I know cameramen need to fly, but the intrusion of the modern technology on these holy sites interrupted the mood the film makers were trying to bring. It would be like a cell phone ringing during a funeral.
There is no director credited, as the film was assembled from many camera crews as opposed to being edited together by one central visionary.
I know I may never see these places in person, but I wish the producers had taken the extra step on such a worldwide subject.
The video box proudly proclaims that the documentary will visit forty sites...in fifty two minutes. You may be familiar with that television commercial where the two women are taken on a whirlwind tour of Rome in a car, and one woman's pictures do not turn out well because of the speed of the driver. I felt this way about the documentary.
The introduction jumps back and forth between Jerusalem, Nazareth, Bethlehem, and Nazareth again, getting ahead of itself before finally settling down and telling a time linear story of Jesus' life. All the major sites are hit: Jordan River, Desert of Judea (with the best footage featuring monasteries that are literally hugging cliff walls), and St. Peter's house.
Through the different locations, the narrator tells us of Jesus' life and what occurred at each spot. The feeding of five thousand, the Tomb of Lazarus, and his eventual crucifixion are all highlighted, and the camera shows us the beautiful chapels that have been built on the "traditional sites" as well as floods of Christian pilgrims celebrating Jesus.
While the architecture and scenery are sights (or sites?) to behold, the film left me empty. A thorough knowledge of Christianity is not needed to follow the video. However, I thought each location could have driven a fifty two minute video of its own. Forty locations in fifty two minutes averages to just over one minutes per location. Lazarus' tomb is given a scant fifteen seconds! Also, the sweeping aerial shots are gorgeous until you see the shadow of the camera's helicopter creep in and out of frame. I am not that much of a purist, I know cameramen need to fly, but the intrusion of the modern technology on these holy sites interrupted the mood the film makers were trying to bring. It would be like a cell phone ringing during a funeral.
There is no director credited, as the film was assembled from many camera crews as opposed to being edited together by one central visionary.
I know I may never see these places in person, but I wish the producers had taken the extra step on such a worldwide subject.
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