God's Gun (1976)

*SPOILERS* Parolini, directing under the American-friendly name "Frank Kramer," comes up with a western that almost succeeds. Sam Clayton (Jack Palance) and his gang take over a small town. Johnny (Leif Garrett) and Father John (Lee Van Cleef) stand up to the gang, and the priest is killed. Johnny rides off to find the priest's twin brother, a gunfighter named Lewis, also played by Van Cleef. They ride back, seeking revenge.

The film makers give Van Cleef the world's most hideous wig in his scenes as Father John. He and Garrett seem to be competing in a contest for the film's most unappealing hairstyle. Palance, as the outlaw gang leader, must get on his knees every day and thank the titular God that "City Slickers" came along and rescued his career from messes like this. Sybil Danning, as Garrett's mother Jenny, is given little to do but stand around wide eyed, worry about her son, and flash her right breast in an assault scene to be discussed later. Richard Boone, desperately missing John Wayne and the chance to be in his films, plays the stereotypical drunken sheriff who cannot stop the outlaws. Garrett, who does not sing in this, heads to Mexico to find the gunfighting brother. It takes him just two days, since apparently Mexico is the size of a city block. Van Cleef as the gunfighter is more effective, especially in a clever plan to stop the outlaws by making them think the priest has come back from the dead. The gunfighter does this with the minimum use of guns, and it is entertaining. The bad news? Ennio Morricone should sue the composer here for ripping off "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly"'s soundtrack. Every time Van Cleef is shown, you here that "aahh-yaahh" sound that pops up all the time in the superior Sergio Leone film. About an hour into this, the gang tries to assault the judge's daughters. They then go to the saloon and proceed to assault the women there. Then Jenny tells Clayton he is the father of Johnny, and we are treated to her flashback when Clayton assaulted her years before. I do not know why the majority of modern westerns must feature sexual assault, but this trio of scenes lasts a very long SIX minutes, and seems longer. They are ugly scenes that did not have to be done, and only pander to the lowest form of viewer who needs to have it hit over their head that these are villains, in case all the murders and robberies were confusing. Parolini finally starts doing some funky things involving his camera with about twenty minutes to go, but it is too late. "God's Gun," also known as "A Bullet from God," had a lot going for it, but cannot overcome its own ugliness. I cannot recommend it.

The Glenn Miller Story (1954)

I am the first to admit I know next to zilch about the era of swing and big bands, but Anthony Mann retells the life of Glenn Miller through some excellent tunes and great performances by James Stewart and June Allyson. It is just plain difficult not to like a film like this. James Stewart is great as the late bandleader. Miller is a broke musician, always pawning his trombone in order to make ends meet. He and his piano player buddy Chummy (Harry Morgan, then named "Henry") are always looking for the next gig that will make them famous. Miller is always politely playing the same old stuff, but he would rather do his own arrangements, following the music he hears in his head and never seems to capture onstage. Behind every great man is a great woman, and June Allyson is Helen, Miller's wife. Their initial encounters are funny, as the affair is one-sided. They dated briefly, then parted for a few years, yet Miller still refers to Helen as his girl. After convincing her to marry him spontaneously, the young couple stay in New York City, with Miller playing in the safe shows there. With Helen's unwavering support, Miller eventually completes "Moonlight Serenade." Watch for a hilarious scene as the melancholy ballad is turned into (Stewart's line) "a hoochie coochie number." Miller starts his own band, but it breaks up after Helen miscarries. Meeting with a ballroom booking agent, the band gets back together, and Miller's sound finally takes off, resulting in huge record sales and unlimited musical success. Of course, things are going too perfectly... Miller is commissioned as an officer into World War II, and as most people know, was eventually labelled as missing when his plane did not complete a trip over the English Channel. Over the years, a report surfaced that his plane was accidentally destroyed when flying over a bomb dump. Glenn Miller was just 40 when he disappeared.

As I wrote, I do not know much about this field of music, but here is a list of the "special guests" who perform in the film, even I recognized a few names: Frances Langford, Louis Armstrong, Ben Pollack, Gene Krupa, The Modernaires, The Archie Savage Dancers, Barney Bigard, James Young, Marty Napoleon, Arvell Shaw, Cozy Cole, and Babe Russin. Among the numbers featured are "Moonlight Serenade," "String of Pearls," "In the Mood," "Pennsylvania 6-5000," and "Chattanooga Choo Choo." All of these are done well, although I have never been able to warm up to "Pennsylvania 6-5000." Director Mann balances the life events and the music well. Allyson is not as annoying here as she was in another Mann-Stewart collaboration- "Strategic Air Command." She holds her own against Stewart's Miller. Both are fine and work well together. Harry Morgan is relegated to the best friend role, but is given a funny car obsession and he is good. The Louis Armstrong number in the jazz club is a standout, no wonder the Beats went in for it, what with the spinning colored gel wheel and all. The Technicolor and sound are crystal clear. This was a big film aiming to please the audience, so there are a few scenes that seem to be added because this is a biopic. The Millers' lives seem too perfect, but this is a minor qualm. Allyson's tear stained face as she listens to Miller's final arrangement of her favorite song is fantastic. I always seem to get Benny Goodman and Glenn Miller mixed up, but not anymore. Anthony Mann has realized a story that may not have been too interesting on paper, but "The Glenn Miller Story" is greatly realized on the screen.

Glen or Glenda (1953)

This movie is not just bad, it is "step out in front of a bus" bad. Inspector Warren (Lyle Talbot) goes to see shrink Dr. Alton (Timothy Farrell) after a transvestite kills himself dressed to the nines in a print frock. Alton then relates the story of Glen (Director Wood, acting under a pseudonym), a transvestite who is keeping his cross dressing secret from his fiancee Barbara (Dolores Fuller). Glen leads a normal life, except for his penchant for sheer negligees, and is afraid Babs won't understand why he is constantly stroking her Angora. Bela Lugosi plays "Scientist," an omnipotent somebody who yells at the players. I am not sure what his function was here. Alton then tells Warren about Alan/Ann, a man who did have a sex change operation and now is much happier for it. But will Barbara accept Glen? Will she lend him her sweater? Will they live happily ever after?

Probably the most infamous part of this thing is the dream sequence, complete with bondage fetish footage, the devil, and a possibly inebriated Lugosi trying to follow direction from a sitting position. The film is shot in quasi-documentary style, begging its audience for understanding for these poor creatures. For me the funniest moments seemed aimed at me: a bald heterosexual male. Male pattern baldness is blamed on the tight hats men wore then. If men were allowed to wear loose fitting women's hats, baldness would be cured! Also, watch for the subtle steel mill scene, as two characters talk about how sick a man must be to get a sex change operation while footage rolls of giant molten iron beams get chopped in half by heavy machinery. Oh, baby, it's bad, but not as inept as other Wood efforts. The same cast, sets, and even automobile appear here and in the earlier reviewed "Jail Bait." Despite a lack of ineptitude, the film is still awful, ranking near the bottom of the barrel. I could sit and argue the demerits of "Glen or Glenda" all day, but that would be a waste of breath. Some people like bad movies, I don't. I have only ranked a movie "so bad it's good" once, and I cannot remember which one it was. I should go, I am getting fitted for a pillbox hat and my bra should be done drip drying in the bathroom. I recommend this on a double bill with Doris Wishman's "Let Me Die a Woman."

Girlfriends (1993)

Pearle (Lori Scarlett) and Wanda (Nina Angeloff) could be a normal loving couple. They are struggling financially, and companionship is not going to pay the bills. Good thing they hang around bars, pick up rich men, and then rob and kill them. Watching Pearle rub her crotch and give some leering construction workers the middle finger gives the viewer a sense of what they are in for. The plot is wandering and simple. Pearle and Wanda live together, Wanda is the bread winner, making people think she is homeless in order to collect cash. They try to stop killing men for money, but cash is tight. They barhop and meet Gil (Mark Wilt), a loud racist who fancies himself a stand-up comedian. After killing him, and finding well over a thousand dollars on him, Wanda and Pearle decide to stop killing (again) and make some money honestly. The girls have another friend, Lulu (Sara Showman), over. Lulu is shocked at the girls' lack of involvement in the lesbian community. We find out Wanda is the only divorcee in the group, and flashback to her horrible marriage to Carl (Tom Pettis), which ended in murder, too. Lulu invites them to a play about a divorcing woman who is a lesbian and trying to keep her child. Wanda hates the play, her threatening behavior toward another audience member is great, but Pearle is enthralled. She decides she wants a baby, and Wanda reluctantly agrees. Pearle picks nerdy librarian Tom (Marc Andreyko), takes him home, and has sex with him. She ends up pregnant, and Wanda begins turning tricks in order to make money. That is when she picks up lawyer Howard (Ian Maclennan), and the movie has a twist the viewer will not see coming.

This was shot on video and runs just sixty-nine minutes. I was shocked at how much I laughed through the thing. Pearle is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and Wanda's over-the-top hatred of men is funny. If John Waters had shot "Thelma & Louise," you would have "Girlfriends." Both lead actresses have good Southern accents, and wallow in their white trash existence. A behind-the-scenes documentary follows the video, and the two actresses are not Southern but do talk about preferring film work to stage work, something refreshing coming from a performer. The language is crude, there is some sex and nudity, and many will find enough to be offended at. The editing is choppy because of the video, but the camerawork is interesting. Check out the scene where we see what happens to Tom. I wish the special effects had been heavier on the gore, but I also think this was budgetary. I was entertained by what I saw, and I am more shocked than anyone.

Girl on the Bridge (1999)

This entire review is a spoiler. There's nothing like a good French film. And this is nothing like a good French film. Told in stark, unnecessary black and white, Vanessa Paradis is Adele, a flighty young woman who changes lovers more often than she changes her socks. The opening scenes show her confessing her rocky love life to an anonymous group of people. She decides that life isn't worth living, and goes to her local Parisian bridge to throw herself off. There she meets Gabor (Daniel Auteuil) a despondent knife thrower desperate for a new target. Gabor hires Adele, but she throws herself in the drink anyway. Gabor jumps in after her, saves her, and the two end up in the hospital. They escape, and Gabor practices on her in a parking garage. They take a train to southern France, and Adele has a fling with a steward. In the Riviera, Gabor totally makes over Adele, cutting her hair and buying new clothes, and maxing out his credit card. As the duo prepare for the show, Gabor is bumped so he offers to throw knives as Adele if she is hidden behind a sheet. Adele survives the act, save a nick on the arm, and tries to sleep with the show's contortionist. Gabor and Adele play off the fact that Adele is extremely lucky, and the two share a psychic connection, able to converse with each other at great distances. Adele gambles and wins tons of money. The two head to Italy for another show, win a car in a raffle, and run off the road when they drive at night without headlights. The couple is stranded and Adele finds an expensive cigarette lighter. Gabor leaves Adele at a cafe, where she attempts to sleep with a waiter there. She realizes her mistake, and catches Gabor at a train station. At the station, Gabor and Adele make love their own way. Gabor throws knives at Adele as she writhes in passion, and for the only time in the film, Gabor does not accidentally nick Adele's arm. The two head off to a cruise ship, where Adele is now placed on a spinning wheel. A wedding on board introduces Takis, who owns the found lighter. Adele and Takis leave together, and Takis' spurned wife becomes Gabor's new target. He puts a knife in the bride's leg, and is set ashore in Turkey, making his way to Istanbul. Adele and Takis are stranded at sea, and they are rescued and taken to Greece. Takis dumps Adele right away, and Adele and Gabor converse over the distance. As a despondent Gabor decides to throw himself off an Istanbul bridge, guess who shows up to save him.

This is the kind of film that turns people off to foreign films. The black and white photography is crisp, but I do not know why this was shot that way. Black and white worked perfectly for "The Red Dwarf," but here it is artsy. Leconte's direction is wonderful, but the script is so lightweight and silly, it quickly becomes routine. The film is barely an hour and a half, and seems longer. Paradis and Auteuil are fine, but their performances are good because their characters are so unchallenging. I did not like Adele from the beginning, and Gabor's obsession with her was a mystery. I would compare her to the Andie MacDowell character in "Four Weddings and a Funeral," wondering why the leading man was head over heels with this vapid creation. The subplot about luck and psychic abilities seems convenient. The only really entertaining scene is when Gabor and Adele "make love" at the train station. Marianne Faithful's song "Who Will Take My Dreams Away?" is played during some of the knife throwing scenes, and the scene is sexy. Brenda Lee's "I'm Sorry" and some of Benny Goodman's tunes show up as well, neither as effective as Faithful's. It could be argued that this is nothing more than lightweight fare. No, "Girl on the Bridge" should be crossed over and forgotten. The screenwriter made a souffle of air that does not fill.

Ginger (1971)

Cheri Caffaro stars as Ginger, an all purpose spy/detective with quite the racist personal agenda. She is recruited by a detective agency to help stop a ring of bad guys who pimp out women to wealthy suburbanites for blackmail purposes. They run drugs on the side, taking advantage of the giant tourist population that flocks to the golden shores of coastal...New Jersey?

All the bad guys, and girls, dress in the height of 1971 fashion, and that is the film's only high point. Other than that, and much like this film's unfortunate sequel "The Abductors," too many fat middle-aged guys are trotted out and perform full frontal nude scenes. Big issues that were taboo in the 1970's are addressed. There's a lesbian nude scene, a long and drawn-out sexual assault, and at one point, Ginger castrates a man with piano wire after he reminds her of a spurning lover. She also kills the only Black cast member because she was sexually assaulted by three Black guys when she was sixteen. Calling him racist terms and the n-word are unsettling enough, but the character likes white women, assaulting a strung-out housewife in a basement just to show her how his people have suffered. "Ginger" is as bad as its sequel. Don't worry about seeing the films in order, neither one makes much sense, or offers closure. There is no spice in "Ginger." Followed by "The Abductors" and "Girls Are for Loving."

Ghosts That Still Walk (1977)

The first noticeable problem about this awkwardly titled film is its casting. Ann Nelson plays the Grandma Alice here. Three years after this, she would star in "Airplane!" as the woman who hangs herself while listening to Robert Hays pine for Julie Hagerty. I could not get that image out of my head. Mark (Matt Boston) is a fifteen year old with problems. He has headaches. His mother had a nervous breakdown. His grandfather had a massive heart attack. A chain smoking psychiatrist decides to find out what the devil is going on with this family. First she hypnotizes Grandma Alice. Grandma tells a tale in flashback that fills the entire first half of the film. She and Grandpa bought an RV, cheap, and drive it around to all the tourist traps in desert California. The RV soon has a mind of its own, going off the road and such. Then, large boulders begin hurling themselves at it. The elderly couple are appropriately afraid, but stay in the vehicle in order to move the plot along. Eventually, Grandpa has a heart attack after being stranded on the RV roof when it goes for another unplanned ride. Mark's mom begins talking to some Native American mummies she has lying around the house. She fancies herself an author, and makes copious notes about the musty corpses. The psychiatrist reads the detailed notes, and uses her imagination to fill in the blanks. We see the mother semi-flip out, but her mental breakdown occurs offscreen, much like Gramps' heart attack. Finally, the patient de resistance, little Mark. Mark goes under the hypnosis gun and tells his own tale. He thinks mom is wigging out (this was made in 1977). Apparently, mom is making the astral bodies of the Native American mummies sort of fly through the air. One hits Mark like a bee hits a windshield, and Mark begins acting all crazy. The psychiatrist takes Grandma and Mark into the desert. Mark is inexplicably in a wheelchair now, and the trio confront the unseen (and unexplained) forces.

Director Flocker has no sense of scene construction. The one pro here involves the RV stranded on a salt flat in the desert. In the distance, the couple notice some boulders rolling toward the RV. This is a pretty creepy little scene that is eventually overplayed. As the boulders begin hurling themselves toward the vehicle, the special effects become obvious. The scenes where the RV runs off the highway, then back on again, take forever. The scenes where Grandpa is trapped on the RV roof as it careens down a dirt road takes forever. Mom's conversations with the mummy take forever. Mark's out of body experiences take forever. This film takes forever. I was tempted to hit the fast forward button at least a dozen times. As scenes dragged on, it was obvious Flocker was padding. Cut the fat here, and this would have clocked in at an hour. The final "explanation," that the mummies' spirits were trying to kill those close to Mark never holds water. Did they inhabit the RV? The film maker never brings up the fact that the spirits are no good at their murderous ways, they never kill anybody. As I kept thinking of Nelson in "Airplane!," I also thought of other movies. Anything to keep me from falling asleep during this one. Boston is terrible as the kid, playing a fifteen year old as a cute ten year old who has a smart-alecky line for all these adults who fall over themselves loving him. In the end, Flocker has written and directed a mess. The title is just the beginning of this exercise in making the audience feel ill at ease. This is not scary, and like the ghosts, you too can still walk...away from this film.