This movie is so stupid I do not know where to begin. An unnamed federal agency has a couple of hunky employees about to bust a cocaine smuggling operation. The clever drug dealers hid their contraband cocaine in hollowed-out watermelons. Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) and Mark Austin (Mark Barriere) are visited by Chris' old flame Becky Midnite (Suzi Simpson), and no I am not making up the characters' names). The trio raid a farm and kill a couple of baddies before their jerk supervisor Dickson (Alan Abelew) pulls up all full of guff and vinegar over the gunplay. Dickson files a report, the agents' other boss Ava Noble (Tai Collins) cannot help them, and they are suspended. What a perfect time to go hunting for lost Confederate gold in the nearby woods. The three take off, but evil drug dealer Santiago (Rodrigo Obregon) has brought in female assassin Jewel Panther (Julie Strain), and let me remind you that I am not making up the characters' names, and everyone heads to the woods for some boring action sequences.
"Enemy Gold" may be one of the most juvenile scripts ever written. I honestly believed the screenwriters were actually twelve year old boys, and heavy into dirt bikes, all terrain vehicles, and getting pretty, augmented blondes into showers. The character names alone are laughable. The script is so badly written, it would take a cast of immensely awful actors to call attention away from it, and "Enemy Gold" succeeds. There are no performances here. The actors are lucky to find their marks. The ladies' only direction must have been "arch your back, wet your lips, and say your line." The Amazonian-like Strain has great screen presence, but all of her line readings are flat and she tends to emphasize the wrong words. Simpson and Collins strip often, but there isn't any eroticism. Sidaris couldn't direct one way traffic, much less difficult items like conversation or actors pretending to shoot at each other. Sure, I may be rough. Some of you out there might say, "shut your brain off and enjoy a bad film." No! Why should I excuse bad film making? I do not expect every film I pick up to have the weight of "Schindler's List," but my God, try to put your best effort onscreen. Why should I shut my brain off? The film makers made their movie without a thought in their collective noggins. "Enemy Gold" is stunningly awful. It is so awful, you may find yourself short of breath. If you look up "awful" in the dictionary, they would have a picture of this film's video box. This film sullies the good name "awful" has made for itself with other films like "Alien Invader" and "Two Much." This movie is so awful, I found time during the boring stretches to rearrange the letters of the title "Enemy Gold" to spell "end my lego" and "my eel dong." Why go through the motions of watching "Enemy Gold" when you can go down to the local zoo and have feces flung at you by real live monkeys? Watching this has the same effect. I hated this thing.
Saturday, March 28, 2026
Emmanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle's Intimate Encounters (2000)
Emmanuelle, who started her film life decades ago as a diplomat's wife, is now a woman with many means. She travels the world, having sex with whomever she pleases, and finds herself the willing victim of a mad scientist and her hunky husband. Seems madame scientist is paralyzed from the waist down. She invents a device that allows her to experience sex whenever her husband makes love to another woman. She accidentally switches bodies with Emmanuelle, and Emmanuelle manages to foil a burglary before being sent out on a mission by the couple. She will sleep with as many people as possible, and send her computerized sensations back to the couple. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it. For a globe trotting adventure, the cast sure seems stuck on the same boring soundstage. The sex is there, as is the corny dialogue, but this is about as titillating as watching a root canal. Obviously three episodes of a pay channel series cobbled together, "Emmanuelle's Intimate Encounters" has just one thing correct in its title- it features a character named Emmanuelle.
Elvira's Haunted Hills (2001)
Once again, a 99 cent previewed movie purchase from my old local video store proves to be disastrous. Elvira (Cassandra Peterson) and her servant Zou Zou (Mary Jo Smith) are on their way to Paris for a musical revue when they are taken in at the Castle Hellsubus. Vladimere Hellsubus (Richard O'Brien, light years away from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show") is the cursed gentleman of the estate. His wife, Ema (Mary Scheer, light years away from "Mad TV") is a conniving woman who lives in the shadow of her husband's first wife Elura (also Peterson). The Hellsubuses (Hellsubi?) also have a niece, Roxana (Heather Hopper), and the family doctor Bradley Bradley (Scott Atkinson) lurks around. The stable stud Adrian (Gabriel Andronache) takes a liking to Elvira immediately, and the feeling is mutual. And then for the next hour and a half, nothing happens. Okay, the plot involves the Hellsubuses being a cursed family haunted by the spirit of Elura. Elvira and Zou Zou bumble their way through such familiar trappings as secret passages, dank dungeons, nightmares, and an awful script, also co-written by Peterson. By the time this supposed laugh riot mercifully finishes, you will not care, unless you have the willpower to shut this off immediately.
I used to like Peterson's Elvira. She was sexy, worldly, but with a terrible sense of humor that made her more endearing. Here, one lame joke follows another, to the point where it wasn't "bad in a good way," it was just bad. The Romanian sets are okay. Sam Irvin does his best with a limited budget. The cast is pretty desperate looking, often rolling their eyes at their lines and I am not sure that was part of their characterization. There is one funny gag, where Bradley keeps grabbing Elvira's breasts in the coach on the way to the castle, but of course the film makers do not follow through with this one bright spot in this dismal comedy. "Elvira's Haunted Hills" was probably meant as a comeback for the character Elvira. Instead, you will just reminisce about the old Mistress of the Dark. Skip it.
I used to like Peterson's Elvira. She was sexy, worldly, but with a terrible sense of humor that made her more endearing. Here, one lame joke follows another, to the point where it wasn't "bad in a good way," it was just bad. The Romanian sets are okay. Sam Irvin does his best with a limited budget. The cast is pretty desperate looking, often rolling their eyes at their lines and I am not sure that was part of their characterization. There is one funny gag, where Bradley keeps grabbing Elvira's breasts in the coach on the way to the castle, but of course the film makers do not follow through with this one bright spot in this dismal comedy. "Elvira's Haunted Hills" was probably meant as a comeback for the character Elvira. Instead, you will just reminisce about the old Mistress of the Dark. Skip it.
Elves (1989)
Kirsten (Julie Austin) has not had a good Christmas. While performing a ritual in the woods against Christmas, she accidentally cuts herself and her blood awakens a long buried elf. Kirsten's mom (Deanna Lund) is a megacrank, for reasons we find out later. Kirsten's grandpapa (Borah Silver) is also evil, for reasons we find out later. Kirsten gets to know the chain smoking department store Santa/recovering alcoholic Mike, haggardly played by Dan Haggerty. Mike is also suspicious of certain creature reports, and he and Kirsten find themselves involved in a murder spree in the department store Mike and Kirsten work at.
Despite the title, there is only one elf in the film. He is ugly as all get-out, but is obviously a very hard-to-maneuver plastic effect, since he never closes his mouth. Haggerty has a cigarette in his mouth in every scene, including a silly gunfight where no one seems to get shot. It took three writers to come up with this story- the film supposedly takes place around Christmas, but the holiday seems to be worked in to the story after the set designer frequented a couple of clearance sales at the mall. One drawback is the fact that this film is very ugly. It is mean. It is not scary, and not fun in a scary way. It is just plain mean. The cast goes through the film never seeing the elf, even though it is two feet high and stands in the middle of everything. I have had less trouble finding my car in a crowded parking lot than these idiots have of finding the stupid elf. "Elves" is bad, and joins the entire "Silent Night, Deadly Night" series in proving that "Black Christmas" is still the scariest Christmas movie ever made. I suggest you skip this one.
Despite the title, there is only one elf in the film. He is ugly as all get-out, but is obviously a very hard-to-maneuver plastic effect, since he never closes his mouth. Haggerty has a cigarette in his mouth in every scene, including a silly gunfight where no one seems to get shot. It took three writers to come up with this story- the film supposedly takes place around Christmas, but the holiday seems to be worked in to the story after the set designer frequented a couple of clearance sales at the mall. One drawback is the fact that this film is very ugly. It is mean. It is not scary, and not fun in a scary way. It is just plain mean. The cast goes through the film never seeing the elf, even though it is two feet high and stands in the middle of everything. I have had less trouble finding my car in a crowded parking lot than these idiots have of finding the stupid elf. "Elves" is bad, and joins the entire "Silent Night, Deadly Night" series in proving that "Black Christmas" is still the scariest Christmas movie ever made. I suggest you skip this one.
The Elephant in the Living Room (2010)
If I didn't know this film was a documentary, I would be singing its praises for being such a well-constructed fictional drama. Tim Harrison is a public safety officer, and a member of a non-profit organization called Outreach for Animals. He goes on call after call dealing with exotic animals that have escaped or were released by overwhelmed owners, animals that put Tim's and other's lives in jeopardy. What exotic location does Tim work at, where one year he had over two dozen calls about nuisance alligators and crocodiles? Ohio. Terry Brumfield was disabled in a truck accident, and found solace and comfort in a new pet- a male African lion named Lambert. Terry raised him from a cub, and added female Lacy a few months later. Terry keeps them penned up on his junk-strewn property, but Lambert managed to escape anyway, earning the duo a new holding pen- a hot old horse trailer.
Director Webber makes it evident that Tim and Terry will eventually meet, interspersing this suspenseful story with shorter vignettes from both sides of the exotic pet debate. Dozens of states have no laws restricting ownership of animals like bears, cougars, venomous snakes, and elephants- providing the film with its great metaphorical title. Watching hidden camera footage of children hauling away new "pets" from irresponsible auctions is nothing short of haunting. Burmese pythons dumped in the Florida Everglades are now breeding, and many are put down (shot) on sight because there are not enough responsible parties to take them. Webber combines the Tim/Terry battle of wills with familiar news footage showing the viewer the dangers of having these animals. The footage Webber has indicates he must be sitting on hundreds of hours of coverage. A documentary documents, and the fact that cameras (both Webber's and other's) are present during some of the life-changing events concerning Terry and the lions cannot be attributed to luck. The death of one animal near the end of the film is sad, disturbing, and frustratingly preventable, and Webber does not exploit it to prove his point. While people are finally talking about the proverbial and literal elephant in the living room, the phenomenon sparked its own cable television series, Michael Webber has put a fresh spin on a tragedy tinged with familiarity. "The Elephant in the Living Room" was one of the better, more provocative efforts I saw that year.
Director Webber makes it evident that Tim and Terry will eventually meet, interspersing this suspenseful story with shorter vignettes from both sides of the exotic pet debate. Dozens of states have no laws restricting ownership of animals like bears, cougars, venomous snakes, and elephants- providing the film with its great metaphorical title. Watching hidden camera footage of children hauling away new "pets" from irresponsible auctions is nothing short of haunting. Burmese pythons dumped in the Florida Everglades are now breeding, and many are put down (shot) on sight because there are not enough responsible parties to take them. Webber combines the Tim/Terry battle of wills with familiar news footage showing the viewer the dangers of having these animals. The footage Webber has indicates he must be sitting on hundreds of hours of coverage. A documentary documents, and the fact that cameras (both Webber's and other's) are present during some of the life-changing events concerning Terry and the lions cannot be attributed to luck. The death of one animal near the end of the film is sad, disturbing, and frustratingly preventable, and Webber does not exploit it to prove his point. While people are finally talking about the proverbial and literal elephant in the living room, the phenomenon sparked its own cable television series, Michael Webber has put a fresh spin on a tragedy tinged with familiarity. "The Elephant in the Living Room" was one of the better, more provocative efforts I saw that year.
Elektra (2005)
Much was made of Ben Affleck getting his cameo cut from this film. After watching "Elektra," I now know that Affleck could not have made the film any worse. Okay, forget everything you saw in "Daredevil," the film makers sure did. Elektra (Jennifer Garner) is a hardened, yet still adorable, assassin. She has the ability to bend the rules of time and physics, jumping from one place to another in the blink of an eye. This is very important because the film makers have her do it dozens of times in the course of the ninety-seven minute film. Elektra sits in a rented house waiting for her agent McCabe (Colin Cunningham) to call with her next assignment. She meets neighbors Mark (Goran Visnjic) and his teen daughter Abby (Kristen Prout), but remains all guarded and secretive as she relives painful memories from her childhood. The targets, of course, turn out to be Mark and Abby, but Elektra develops emotions and decides to help them escape from some new assassins sent by a mysterious group called The Hand. The Hand is led by the always underrated Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa. His leadership is threatened by Kirigi (Will Yun Lee), who will get control of the group if he offs Elektra. He takes some middling super villains (with names like Typhoid, Tattoo, and Stone) with him and they go after our heroic trio. Deep breath. The Hand and the forces of good have been fighting a war since the beginning of time to control...the planet? I am not sure. Elektra's blind sensei Stick (an uncomfortable looking Terence Stamp) is called in to help, and all sorts of computer generated action ensues.
That's a lot of plot for a lousy movie. Just when I was lamenting the familiarity of the new round of superhero movies, "Elektra" comes along, plays with convention, and completely mucks it up. The camera work is okay, although I thought the computer used to render the special effects should have got director credit. I have no idea why whenever a villain is killed, they poof into a cloud of green smoke, I imagine that is what the script looked like when first read. The cinematography is awful. I thought about checking my DVD/TV connection, the picture is too dark and looked like someone spread a layer of apple butter over the camera lens. The musical score was not noticed, and the editing was too hurried, since they were trying to cover the weak story with lots of action. Jennifer Garner has charisma to burn, but it is not onscreen here. Visnjic basically plays his "ER" doctor bit, there is almost no back story to any supporting character in this film. Prout is cute, but is also given nothing more to do than pout. The group of super villains would have been cool if played by a cast along the lines of "Daredevil"'s Colin Farrell or Michael Clarke Duncan. Instead, they show up and do their little choreographed stuntwork before being poofed out. This film made about a third the money of what "Daredevil" made (and that film is considered a flop), so Director's Cuts and finger pointing emerged in the years after it disappeared from theaters.
That's a lot of plot for a lousy movie. Just when I was lamenting the familiarity of the new round of superhero movies, "Elektra" comes along, plays with convention, and completely mucks it up. The camera work is okay, although I thought the computer used to render the special effects should have got director credit. I have no idea why whenever a villain is killed, they poof into a cloud of green smoke, I imagine that is what the script looked like when first read. The cinematography is awful. I thought about checking my DVD/TV connection, the picture is too dark and looked like someone spread a layer of apple butter over the camera lens. The musical score was not noticed, and the editing was too hurried, since they were trying to cover the weak story with lots of action. Jennifer Garner has charisma to burn, but it is not onscreen here. Visnjic basically plays his "ER" doctor bit, there is almost no back story to any supporting character in this film. Prout is cute, but is also given nothing more to do than pout. The group of super villains would have been cool if played by a cast along the lines of "Daredevil"'s Colin Farrell or Michael Clarke Duncan. Instead, they show up and do their little choreographed stuntwork before being poofed out. This film made about a third the money of what "Daredevil" made (and that film is considered a flop), so Director's Cuts and finger pointing emerged in the years after it disappeared from theaters.
The Sea (El Mar) (2000)
This emotionally draining film uses taboo images and violence to make its points, and make the viewer think. In other words, this ain't no Adam Sandler chucklefest. Two boys, Ramallo and Manuel, and a girl, Francisca, are caught up in the mass executions of the Spanish Civil War. They witness one young friend brutally stab another boy before taking his own life. Over a decade later, an older Ramallo (Roger Casamajor) is sent to a sanitarium run by nuns. Ramallo, like all the tubercular and lung diseased patients, lives in a large room, dormitory style. However, as a patient's health dwindles and they are expected to die, they are sent to a private room numbered 13 for their final days. Ramallo seems very healthy by all accounts. His boastfulness and stories of sexual prowess attracts teen Galindo (Hernan Gonzalez), and the adoration of some other patients. Ramallo is shocked to find Manuel (Bruno Bergonzini) is also a patient, a pale and drawn man obsessed with praying. Even more shocking is the sight of the beautiful Francisca (Antonia Torrens), now a nun working at the hospital. Just when we think we have Ramallo pegged, his boss Morell (Juli Mira) shows up. It seems Ramallo has been running black market items for Morell, plus letting Morell do a little plundering of Ramallo in bed. Ramallo gets his own name tattooed on his chest by Alcantara (Simon Andreu), the hospital's maintenance guy. Alcantara also works for Morell, trafficking drugs, and Ramallo steals from him. This is no typical neo-noir film, despite the seemingly predictable characters. Ramallo quickly drops his bravado after seeing the childhood friends he shared a traumatic experience with. Manuel begins to fall for Ramallo, but Christian guilt is a strong thing, and Manuel eventually goes off the deep end into self abuse and stylized "demonic" possession. Francisca is also unpredictable, a perfectly content Catholic nun who isn't looking to bed down with anyone or break free from her life. Sexual tensions do build, but so does something I'll call "life tension." The white sterility of the hospital, the constant chirping of the countryside insects, the shocking appearances of blood and death eventually put Ramallo and Manuel into a situation that had me grimacing at the last fifteen minutes of the film.
Director Villaronga's camera never shies from the seamier aspects of this damaged trio's lives, but he does not cross over into exploitation territory, either. Despite the unnaturalness of these characters, their flaws and actions progress in a natural way. You cannot help but get sucked into these people's lives, but I never felt voyeuristic or ashamed of my fascination with their problems. The entire cast is excellent. A special mention must go to Angela Molina, who plays Alcantara's wife, Carmen. Carmen is a once beautiful middle-aged woman trapped in a loveless marriage, yet (once again), Villaronga turns this stock character on its ear and Molina performs this person as if we have never seen a Carmen-type character before. The musical score by Javier Navarrete is sumptuous without being overly grandiose, or calling attention to itself. Think Philip Glass, but with variety and emotion. "El Mar" is unexpected. Everything works, from the imagery of the cross to the story that explains the title ("The Sea" in English). Drop any preconceived notions before you watch it. If you don't, Ramallo, Manuel, and Francisca will quickly rid you of them. A deep, fantastic film.
Director Villaronga's camera never shies from the seamier aspects of this damaged trio's lives, but he does not cross over into exploitation territory, either. Despite the unnaturalness of these characters, their flaws and actions progress in a natural way. You cannot help but get sucked into these people's lives, but I never felt voyeuristic or ashamed of my fascination with their problems. The entire cast is excellent. A special mention must go to Angela Molina, who plays Alcantara's wife, Carmen. Carmen is a once beautiful middle-aged woman trapped in a loveless marriage, yet (once again), Villaronga turns this stock character on its ear and Molina performs this person as if we have never seen a Carmen-type character before. The musical score by Javier Navarrete is sumptuous without being overly grandiose, or calling attention to itself. Think Philip Glass, but with variety and emotion. "El Mar" is unexpected. Everything works, from the imagery of the cross to the story that explains the title ("The Sea" in English). Drop any preconceived notions before you watch it. If you don't, Ramallo, Manuel, and Francisca will quickly rid you of them. A deep, fantastic film.
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