Frankenstein Reborn! (1998)

Charles Band and David DeCoteau strike again in this monstrously awful tripe. Cute Anna (Haven Burton) is sent to uncle Victor Frankenstein's (Jaason Simmons) after her parents are killed in a car accident. She meets local boy Thomas (Ben Gould) and they make like the Goonies, exploring Victor's creepy old castle after being admonished otherwise. Victor and Ludwig (George Calin) spend a lot of time in the laboratory, where funky lighting, smoke, and moaning peak Anna's interest. A sexy disco, you might wonder? No, Vic and Lud are putting together a monster (Ethan Wilde) and bringing him to life. The monster escapes, kills a guy, and hides in the woods, only to be discovered by Anna after an initial search that lasts less than a minute onscreen. Anna teaches the monster to speak (he calls himself "Friend"), but Victor and Ludwig have other plans, capturing the monster and taking him back to the castle for the bored, sudden climax.

The old VHS videocassette's running time read seventy minutes, but about twenty of that was a behind-the-scenes documentary, making the film itself less than an hour. Charles Band proclaimed this was the first of twelve films in his new (1998) Filmonsters series, but only two three were made. You might get the idea that this is cheap and hurried, and you would be right. While hunky Simmons is good as Victor, Burton wonders around the castle repeating others' lines and trying hard to be Nancy Drew. Poor Ben Gould has no reason to be in this film. His part is needless. DeCoteau, directing under one of his many aliases, is saddled with a nice set and a ten dollar budget. This may have been filmed in a week, and written in less time, and too many questions remain unanswered. Anna talks about finding out about the monster's background, but she, and the audience, never discover anything. Thomas works in the garden, cannot read, and dresses like a shoeshine boy from the Great Depression. Simmons' and Calin's costumes look like leftovers from "The Pirate Movie," Burton is wearing the latest from the Fashion Bug, the castle does not seem to have electricity, so when is this supposed to take place? "Frankenstein Reborn!" was made and marketed as a family film, so blood and nudity are lacking. What's left is yet another half-hearted Charles Band effort. If he would've stuck to one movie a year, instead of one movie a month, he might have made something decent.

Four Rode Out (1969)

Pernell Roberts is Ross, a marshal who is after bank robber Nunez (Julian Mateos). Nunez sneaks into town, tries to bed his girlfriend Myra (Sue Lyon), and his caught by her father (Charles Drace). Nunez runs off, headed to Mexico, and Myra's father kills himself. Ross comes to town, shadowed by Pinkerton agent Brown (Leslie Nielsen). Ross leaves into the desert to find Nunez with Brown along for the ride. Myra soon follows the two man posse. Once the group starts running low on water, I started running low on my enjoyment of the film.

This wannabe character study starts out okay. Ross is the honest lawman on his last case. Nielsen is slimy as the detective whose sole goal is to kill Nunez. Lyon is a pretty bundle of nerves still trying to understand how her life ended up like this. The film was shot on location in Spain, but the editing does not live up to the seemingly endless, gorgeous desert. I was reminded of the work of Ed Wood, as scenes would end without a point, or feature insert shots of the actors doing something else besides acting. Nielsen is such a heavy villain, you wish someone would shoot him and shut him up. Lots of inappropriate songs by Janis Ian, an unnecessary assault, and too many scenes of people arguing over water while holding weapons on each other add up to a less than successful western. Do not take a ride with this four. I cannot recommend it.

The Forbidden (1966)

This lecherous mondo film's narrator warns of the final taboos experienced by humanity. While the majority of the world is repulsed by cannibalism, rape, and hardcore pornography, a subculture exists that finds these three sins normal. Granted, none of these three situations occur in this film, but the producers know sixty-five minutes of breasts are bound to put some butts in the seats. The narrator taunts the viewer, who is supposed to be both fascinated and repulsed by the shocking behavior on display. In Los Angeles, we watch a "real" sex attack film which turns out to be an ad for a martial arts school. We then jet to the desert Southwest, where the good folks who work construction for the various space age projects being built in 1966 are taken advantage of by a portable nightclub's strippers and hookers. Why not head to Paris? There, strippers are lushly lit and backed by a twelve piece orchestra- okay, maybe not the stripper shown in the film, but if the film's producers say so, it must be true. Hello, Stockholm, where an artsy reenactment shows us how one woman deals with her ex-husband and his mistress. Here in the "CSI" age, watching this is less than shocking. Don't pause to take a breath, however, we're off to Brussels. Here, Paris strip acts are tried out in a city where Red China products are sold, porn is considered art, and nude models put on legitimate exhibitions. Today, this behavior is the norm in all fifty states. The Geneva lesbian club is the highlight of the film. According to unnamed sociologists, the neutral Swiss have grown bored with their fence sitting, and the suicide and divorce rates are skyrocketing. So, some lesbians got together and formed a social club complete with same sex marriages, divorces, and initiation orgies. We head back to Los Angeles in time for a youth riot- darn 10pm curfew. Hell, no, we won't go (to bed)! The most interesting item here is the prominent United Airlines billboard advertising a Los Angeles to San Francisco flight for a wallet busting $13.50. Know what London has? Virgin strippers, checked weekly. Never mind the sign in French in their dressing rooms, they are virgins and they are English, apparently. A nameless city on the East coast boasts a sex school, then we head back to France to witness another reenactment about the lengths a woman will go to to see a man, in a very unintentionally comedic segment. Finally, East Berlin has Nazi strippers but West Berlin makes capitalism and democracy sexy, and then the film just kind of ends.

The producers went a different route than a lot of shockumentary films have gone. Sex will always sell, and I would rather watch it over staged voodoo rituals and animal slaughter. I am sure most of the exotic locales in this film were visited, black-and-white stock footage and color skin shows don't blend well, but the way the film makers mold a clip of a stripper to fit a shocking story is downright commendable. Come on, the strippers never perform in front of an audience, yet applause is heard? If you don't take it seriously, "The Forbidden" is a joyfully sleazy trip back to the mid-1960's. Just try not to remember that most of the beautiful nude women here are elderly today. Grandma, what did you do in the sixties?

For Whom the Bulls Toil (1953)

Disney plays a little racist in a quick seven minute cartoon. This short has tourist Goody riding his jalopy through Mexico, and meeting up with an obstinate bull on a road. After removing him through dumb luck, the local villagers call ahead to the city, and announce the arrival of the new matador. Goofy shows up and faces a bull in a crowded arena. While amusing enough, Bugs Bunny fought a bull to much funnier results. The downer here is the portrayal of Mexicans- caricatures with funny accents, sombreros, and unkempt hair and mustaches. Internet sources lists an alternate version with the Mexicans edited out, but they show up on some older physical media. Kids might need that title Hemingway reference explained, as well as the Mexican stereotype.

The Flying Scissors (2009)

This film has it all: professional athletes meeting in an all-or-nothing tournament. A doping scandal. Alcoholism. Sex. Harried league officials. Regular men and women who find themselves elevated to the level of gods. And the bathroom attendant who worships John Cusack. League commissioner Alan (Matthew Arkin) and his marketing director/nephew David (Benim Foster) are getting ready for the championships for their National Rock Paper Scissors League. Thirty-two regional finalists are descending on Madison Square Garden, and the league is finally going to hit it big. Let's meet some of the competitors: Phil (Mason Pettit) is an unemployed stay-at-home dad. Trash talking Leon (Mike Britt) brings the sport street cred after toiling in underground RPS matches. Divorced Frank (Todd Susman) is arthritic, competing in what might be his last tournament. Bruce (Keong Sim) is the bathroom attendant, he uses mathematical calculations to determine what move his opponents will throw. Young slacker Matty (Jeremy Redleaf) is a bit of an alcoholic, as is his coach Mac (Madison Arnold). Leslie (Susan O'Connor) is an angry feminist artist and the only woman in the competition other than bigoted Christian/wannabe actress Anna (Sarah Wheeler). Anna is being used by her agent Barry (Alex Cranmer). The Rock (Devin Ratray) is a large speechless man, possibly mentally challenged, nicknamed for his signature move. Competition between sports leagues is cutthroat, and the NRPSL is screwed out of Madison Square Garden by those jerks over at The Coin Toss Consortium, and must retreat to the Hotel Roberto Clemente in White Plains (Alan may have forgot to send in the deposit). We watch Alan and David come up with unique marketing strategies, like using the homeless to advertise their match, and get to know the competitors at home and in training before the championship begins and dreams are realized- and crushed.

Writer/director Jonah Tulis and co-writer Blake J. Harris go the well-worn mockumentary path, but do it so well and so boldly, the genre becomes fresh again in their hands. The thought of a Rock-Paper-Scissors championship is ridiculous but true, I saw one profiled on CBS' "Sunday Morning" once, but the actors play every scene straight. The cast is huge, and not one of them falters. I left out some supporting members like the university professor who is an expert at conflict, and the RPS referee, but everyone here is excellent. Special mention must be made about Pettit and Britt. Mike Britt's opening scene in the museum, yelling at a little girl who tries to touch some artwork, is filthy-mouthed and funny. Pettit can be considered the hero of the film, and is so real I had to remind myself once in a while that this was all made up. Tulis does not use any off-camera interviewer, and thankfully keeps his camera steady instead of caving in to the faux-shaky look. The final match contains actual suspense, and when I wasn't laughing, I had a goofy grin on my face all the way through. "The Flying Scissors" is a real find for mockumentary fans. It's not perfect, some of the peripheral characters could have been dropped, a couple of storylines get repetitive, and Phil's wife's change of behavior is completely out of left field, but this one is still a winner.

Fletch (1985)

Chevy Chase, in his best role, is Irwin Fletcher, an investigative newspaper reporter who writes under the pseudonym "Jane Doe." He is investigating drug trafficking at a Los Angeles beach when he is approached by a very wealthy Alan Stanwyk (Tim Matheson). Stanwyk, believing Fletch is a junkie, asks our hero to murder him. Stanwyk is dying of bone cancer, and wants the life insurance to go to his wife, Gail (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson). Fletch, sensing an even bigger story, agrees, and goes about investigating Stanwyk, not liking what he is finding.

Filled with four hours' worth of "Mystery Science Theater 3000"-quality one-liners, "Fletch" came along at a perfect time in Chase's career. Not since the "National Lampoon's Vacation" movies has he been funnier, and he settles into the role like he had been playing it for years. Andrew Bergman adapted Gregory McDonald's novel, and keeps the script moving along at lightning pace. Fletch is no perfect investigator, and is often caught in his elaborately funny lies, but Chase plays him so smoothly, he uses his charm to get out of many a jam. Bergman keeps the audience in the dark along with Fletch, letting all of us discover things for ourselves. Harold Faltermeyer's musical score is very un-"Axel F", thank God, and even the theme song "Bit by Bit" rocks along.The rest of the cast is also excellent. Dana Wheeler-Nicholson is cute and funny as Gail, and the fact that her career did not take off after this is a crime. Richard Libertini is hilarious in the role of Fletch's editor, as is Geena Davis in a small role as a newspaper assistant. There are a lot more familiar faces here: Joe Don Baker, George Wendt, Kenneth Mars, Tony Longo, James Avery, Alison Laplaca, William Sanderson, and even a cameo by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and everyone is fantastic. No, the plot is not Agatha Christie-worthy, and the coincidences get a little unbelievable, but Ritchie's also-smooth direction of Chase pulls it off. Of course, Chase seems to suffer from "Even Numbered Sequel Syndrome," and "Fletch Lives" is awful and ended the promising franchise for over thirty years. Don't believe in ENSS? Witness "National Lampoon's European Vacation" and "Caddyshack II" for further evidence in Chase's case.

Final Exam (1981)

Courtney (Cecile Bagdadi) is the virginal girl hero in this terrible horror flick. The film opens with the murder of two college lovers. The killer opens up their convertible top, and makes do with a big knife. Fine, we have the opening murders, now for ninety minutes of suspense and gore as other students are killed one by one until the killer is exposed as...wait, we are getting ahead of ourselves. As other students from a different college react to the killings, it is still final exam week. The local frat house stages a mock terrorist attack, complete with machine guns and students falling dead. This elaborate scene is reported to the police by the local nerd named Radish (Joel S. Rice) for reasons never explained. The two jocks who are yelled at by the redneck sheriff (Sam Kilman) decide to take revenge on Radish. One of the jocks is Wildman (Ralph Brown), a big stupid oaf whose murder you may find yourself cheering for. Radish and Courtney grow closer. The jocks terrorize some poor pledge, stripping him down to his underwear and tying him to a tree because he gave his pledge pin to his girlfriend. The chemistry professor is having sex with that pretty blonde student, they really do have more fun, and the two make plans for a midnight clandestine meeting in the almost abandoned instructors' offices. This is the last day of final exams, and the campus is almost empty, save the old drunk security guard who is going to go hunting with the redneck sheriff if he can stay off the gin and juice. A creepy bell tower will play a pivotal role, as a girl killed herself last year by throwing herself off of it after a hazing incident...HOLD IT, wait a minute, where is the gore? The violence? The body count? Why are you boring us with this stupid plot summary taken from a nightmarish episode of "A Different World"? Because, the film opens with the two pretty blood-free murders, AND THEN NO ONE DIES FOR ALMOST A SOLID HOUR.

Director Huston, who shares a last name with the great John Huston, and nothing more, gives us such scenes as "point of view shot of a cafeteria tray riding the dumb waiter down to the kitchen" and more fake jump scares than you can shake a ten inch butcher knife at. Huston also "wrote" this, and gets so caught up in this fantasy campus life, I kept forgetting I was supposed to be watching a horror film. Once the maniac starts killing again, we get the standard routine: victim enters dark room, talks to whoever he thinks is playing a trick on him, is killed, body hidden in an easy to find location. The killer's main super power here is the ability to turn lights on and off. That is all he does to freak out these learned leaders of the future. Lights on, lights off, lights on. Gym scoreboard off, gym scoreboard on, gym scoreboard off. The one good scene? A character falls from about four floors inside an abandoned bell tower type structure. The stunt is good, is shot from different angles, and marks the only time in the film I said "cool." "Final Exam" is a silly slasher film.