This short, cheap horror flick doesn't even make with the mummy its title alludes to.
In 1902, the hilariously named Captain Storm (Mark Dana) is a British soldier guiding an expedition into the Egyptian desert to rescue a group of archaeologists out digging for mummies and such. He is stuck with two low ranking soldiers, and a woman- in this case, Sylvia (Diana Brewster), who is married to the leader of the dig. The four set out, stumbling across the mysterious Simira (Ziva Rodann) along the way. Simira tries to hurry the group to the dig, but they are set in their ways. Essentials like food and animals start disappearing, Simira spends her nights staring into the distance, and Sylvia is bitten by a scorpion. Simira warns the group that it is too late as they pull into the camp, run by hothead American adventurer Quentin (George N. Neise) and populated by a group of characters whose names and characters aren't really that important because they are so poorly written. Simira's brother Numar (Alvaro Guillot) reacts badly to the opening of the sarcophagus of a high priest, suddenly aging fifty years in a few hours. As the guys run around with torches and guns after Numar escapes from the group, Sylvia reveals the real reason she came on the trip, and Simira continues to stare into space.
It's sad that the low budget spent on the film also provides the greatest entertainment value. In the tense sarcophagus opening scene, you swear you hear a box cutter going through masking tape. The wordy curses the group discover are translated by analysis of a handful of badly drawn hieroglyphics. At one point, Sylvia is wandering around a cave, and you can hear her hands knock against a wooden-sounding set. The day for night shots are also badly done, and Death Valley's desert looks nothing like the Sahara. The film was shot in less than a week, and I believe it. Mark Dana looks like a young Ronald Reagan, and his bad British accent comes but mostly goes. Every time he opens his mouth, he sounds like Cary Grant. The rest of the cast doesn't register at all, my mind wandered while everyone searched for hidden passages and lit conveniently placed torches. One plus here is the makeup used to age Numar. It is well done, and may have accounted for most of the budget.
"Pharaoh's Curse" is a typical B horror flick, clocking in at barely an hour, and directed with all the stylish flourish of a piece of gum. Break this curse.
Thursday, July 31, 2025
Mr. Peabody & Sherman (2014)
Unlike many of my film critic colleagues, I am NOT familiar with the Mr. Peabody and Sherman segments on the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show. I was a Looney Tunes kid, born and bred- still am.
Mr. Peabody (voiced by Ty Burrell) is the world's smartest dog, and accomplishes everything most humans would like to accomplish- genius level IQ, successful business leading to a massive penthouse home, and he even adopts Sherman (voiced by Max Charles), an abandoned baby who has grown up with the dog as a father and now must attend school for the first time. Sherman has a head start on the other students because his dog-father has taught him history using a time machine (the WABAC) to visit centuries past. After Sherman is bullied by Penny (voiced by Ariel Winter) at school, Mr. Peabody invites Penny and her parents (voiced by the odious Stephen Colbert and the sometimes funny Leslie Mann) over for dinner to smooth things over. Sherman actually has a crush on Penny, shows her the WABAC (against Mr. Peabody's orders), and accidentally gets her betrothed to King Tut (voiced by Zach Callison). From there, Peabody, Sherman, and Penny jump from one time era to another, trying to repair their meddling, and rubbing elbows with historical figures.
Like a lot of films recently, too much of the story was given away in the preview, but at least that minute and a half series of highlights was edited together well and provided most of the film's laughs- normally, any movie that uses Patrick Warburton as voice talent is okay in my book. Here, though, the story starts out choppy and gets choppier, with the writing credits featuring enigmatic phrases like "additional screenplay material" and "additional dialogue." As if to distract you from their lack of a linear plot, the film makers throw the viewer into the story right away, hoping all the technical bells, whistles, and potty jokes will distract you. This worked in the later "Home," but not here, so I spent many a scene guessing which celebrity's voice I was listening to.
We also get the now-generic mean ogreish social worker (voiced by Allison Janney) who wants to separate Sherman and Mr. Peabody- a plot device right out of "Despicable Me," and numerous films where children are adopted by non-traditional parents- and a supporting cast of possible friends of Sherman's who might help him in his adventures before being dropped without follow-through. The bullying scene, along with Sherman's crush on rival Penny, was hilarious back when the same situation played out on "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius." The air of familiarity is heavy, and while some of the jokes and puns score, you could see many of the plot twists coming from a mile away. The film makers even thrown in a "Spartacus" joke for the grandparents and film buffs who might find themselves trapped watching this.
By the end of the film, I questioned why "Mr. Peabody & Sherman" was made in the first place. The generation who used to watch the cartoon back in the day are middle-aged now -yes, I admit I am getting older. Where was the demand to computer animate this duo? It must have been the same group of advocates who gave us "Starsky & Hutch," "I Spy," and every ghastly reboot/sequel on TV and in the theaters. I wish they'd kind of shut up now.
Mr. Peabody (voiced by Ty Burrell) is the world's smartest dog, and accomplishes everything most humans would like to accomplish- genius level IQ, successful business leading to a massive penthouse home, and he even adopts Sherman (voiced by Max Charles), an abandoned baby who has grown up with the dog as a father and now must attend school for the first time. Sherman has a head start on the other students because his dog-father has taught him history using a time machine (the WABAC) to visit centuries past. After Sherman is bullied by Penny (voiced by Ariel Winter) at school, Mr. Peabody invites Penny and her parents (voiced by the odious Stephen Colbert and the sometimes funny Leslie Mann) over for dinner to smooth things over. Sherman actually has a crush on Penny, shows her the WABAC (against Mr. Peabody's orders), and accidentally gets her betrothed to King Tut (voiced by Zach Callison). From there, Peabody, Sherman, and Penny jump from one time era to another, trying to repair their meddling, and rubbing elbows with historical figures.
Like a lot of films recently, too much of the story was given away in the preview, but at least that minute and a half series of highlights was edited together well and provided most of the film's laughs- normally, any movie that uses Patrick Warburton as voice talent is okay in my book. Here, though, the story starts out choppy and gets choppier, with the writing credits featuring enigmatic phrases like "additional screenplay material" and "additional dialogue." As if to distract you from their lack of a linear plot, the film makers throw the viewer into the story right away, hoping all the technical bells, whistles, and potty jokes will distract you. This worked in the later "Home," but not here, so I spent many a scene guessing which celebrity's voice I was listening to.
We also get the now-generic mean ogreish social worker (voiced by Allison Janney) who wants to separate Sherman and Mr. Peabody- a plot device right out of "Despicable Me," and numerous films where children are adopted by non-traditional parents- and a supporting cast of possible friends of Sherman's who might help him in his adventures before being dropped without follow-through. The bullying scene, along with Sherman's crush on rival Penny, was hilarious back when the same situation played out on "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius." The air of familiarity is heavy, and while some of the jokes and puns score, you could see many of the plot twists coming from a mile away. The film makers even thrown in a "Spartacus" joke for the grandparents and film buffs who might find themselves trapped watching this.
By the end of the film, I questioned why "Mr. Peabody & Sherman" was made in the first place. The generation who used to watch the cartoon back in the day are middle-aged now -yes, I admit I am getting older. Where was the demand to computer animate this duo? It must have been the same group of advocates who gave us "Starsky & Hutch," "I Spy," and every ghastly reboot/sequel on TV and in the theaters. I wish they'd kind of shut up now.
Move Over, Darling (1963)
This remake of "My Favorite Wife" has a surefire story that should have worked.
Widowed lawyer Nicholas (James Garner) is marrying Bianca (Polly Bergen) the same day he is having his first wife declared legally dead. Ellen (Doris Day) has been missing after a plane crash for five years, and Nicholas is finally moving on after living with his mother (the always wonderful Thelma Ritter) and his and Ellen's two young daughters. The problem is, Ellen has just been rescued by the military and hurries home as quickly as she can. Ellen tracks Nicholas and Bianca to their honeymoon hotel, and they are finally reunited before the complications begin. Nicholas has a huge problem telling Bianca, Ellen is a stranger to their children, and soon it's discovered that Ellen wasn't alone on a tropical island for five years. She was stranded with the very hunky Steve (Chuck Connors), and has a little more to answer for.
This remake started as a George Cukor-directed film starring Marilyn Monroe, Dean Martin, and Cyd Charisse in the roles of Ellen, Nicholas, and Bianca. Monroe was fired after a few scenes were filmed due to budget overruns, Martin threatened to walk, then Monroe was rehired but died before the project was completed. Thirty-seven minutes of "Something's Gotta Give" was eventually shown as part of a documentary on Monroe, but the entire film was revamped- save some of the sets, character names, and general plot.
While the main trio here is fine, some of the high comic scenes had me cringing. Often, the film resorts to slapstick that is difficult to watch (the Swedish nurse bit is simply unfunny), accented by an obnoxious musical score from Lionel Newman. The supporting cast is full of familiar faces including Max Showalter, Don Knotts, Alan Sues, and John Astin, and aside from Ritter, Edgar Buchanan as the judge is nothing short of hysterical. Gordon's direction is alright, the widescreen is nice, but beware of a lot of badly done special effects- especially in a car chase that runs thankfully short. On the opposite side of the spectrum, the hotel scenes where Nicholas must juggle two women claiming to be his wife while the hotel manager (Fred Clark) skulks around runs way too long, bringing the film to a complete stop while I found myself yelling at Nicholas to just tell Bianca the truth already. Some of Day's double takes are funny, but out of nowhere we have to make sure she gets to sing a song, too.
"Move Over, Darling" can't decide whether it is wacky or sophisticated. It is sexist when you think about it- Nicholas moves on with his life after five years and everyone but Ellen is okay with that, yet it is automatically assumed Ellen and Steve were sleeping together after spending that time on the island alone. We can wonder all we want about what could have been with "Something's Gotta Give," (the Monroe footage is fascinating) but this film makes a mediocre substitute.
Widowed lawyer Nicholas (James Garner) is marrying Bianca (Polly Bergen) the same day he is having his first wife declared legally dead. Ellen (Doris Day) has been missing after a plane crash for five years, and Nicholas is finally moving on after living with his mother (the always wonderful Thelma Ritter) and his and Ellen's two young daughters. The problem is, Ellen has just been rescued by the military and hurries home as quickly as she can. Ellen tracks Nicholas and Bianca to their honeymoon hotel, and they are finally reunited before the complications begin. Nicholas has a huge problem telling Bianca, Ellen is a stranger to their children, and soon it's discovered that Ellen wasn't alone on a tropical island for five years. She was stranded with the very hunky Steve (Chuck Connors), and has a little more to answer for.
This remake started as a George Cukor-directed film starring Marilyn Monroe, Dean Martin, and Cyd Charisse in the roles of Ellen, Nicholas, and Bianca. Monroe was fired after a few scenes were filmed due to budget overruns, Martin threatened to walk, then Monroe was rehired but died before the project was completed. Thirty-seven minutes of "Something's Gotta Give" was eventually shown as part of a documentary on Monroe, but the entire film was revamped- save some of the sets, character names, and general plot.
While the main trio here is fine, some of the high comic scenes had me cringing. Often, the film resorts to slapstick that is difficult to watch (the Swedish nurse bit is simply unfunny), accented by an obnoxious musical score from Lionel Newman. The supporting cast is full of familiar faces including Max Showalter, Don Knotts, Alan Sues, and John Astin, and aside from Ritter, Edgar Buchanan as the judge is nothing short of hysterical. Gordon's direction is alright, the widescreen is nice, but beware of a lot of badly done special effects- especially in a car chase that runs thankfully short. On the opposite side of the spectrum, the hotel scenes where Nicholas must juggle two women claiming to be his wife while the hotel manager (Fred Clark) skulks around runs way too long, bringing the film to a complete stop while I found myself yelling at Nicholas to just tell Bianca the truth already. Some of Day's double takes are funny, but out of nowhere we have to make sure she gets to sing a song, too.
"Move Over, Darling" can't decide whether it is wacky or sophisticated. It is sexist when you think about it- Nicholas moves on with his life after five years and everyone but Ellen is okay with that, yet it is automatically assumed Ellen and Steve were sleeping together after spending that time on the island alone. We can wonder all we want about what could have been with "Something's Gotta Give," (the Monroe footage is fascinating) but this film makes a mediocre substitute.
The Samurai (2014)
If David Lynch and Bruce LaBruce had ever teamed up to make a film- well for one thing, it would be completely insane, and for another thing it would be this film.
In a small German town, police officer Jakob (Michel Diercks) tries to keep the peace even though no one takes him seriously. He lives with his ailing grandmother, and the crime rate is so low he keeps his gun in his desk back at the police station. He passes the time obsessing about a wolf that is prowling around the local woods, leaving the animal bags of raw meat and hoping it doesn't strike in the town itself. Someone sends a package to Jakob, requesting he deliver it to its rightful owner. Jakob gets a call telling him where to take the giant parcel, and finds himself in an abandoned house face to face with a scary looking man in a white summer dress (Pit Bukowski, who is made up to look eerily like Courtney Love in her 'Hole' days). The nameless man opens the package, pulls out a large Japanese sword, and then things get really weird. The titular character runs amok through the small town, awkwardly trashing and vandalizing everything with his new sword. He doesn't wield it like Uma Thurman in the "Kill Bill" films, he wants to do more damage than anything. Jakob follows along, unarmed, trying to stop the mayhem while also dealing with a lot of internal issues like his self-loathing sexuality. Lone wolf, or lonely wolf, subtext is everywhere, and soon the body count rises as Jakob tries to reason with the insane mass murderer, who seems to know Jakob better than Jakob knows himself.
Kleinert has written and directed a surreal vision I would compare favorably with Lynch, as well as "Coyote"'s Trevor Juenger. There is that required sense of unease the minute the film starts, you know things aren't going to go well, and Kleinert cranks the tension up early on. His film frame composition is nothing short of lovely, and his editing is perfect. Bukowski is creepy, Robert-Blake-in-"Lost-Highway"-creepy, carving out quite the silhouette in his dress and stringy blonde hair. Diercks doesn't overplay the small town cop, and he turns in a sympathetic performance. The film is short, so getting to know too much about other supporting characters is difficult but not really necessary. Conrad Oleak's music is spot on, with one techno riff that sounds like John Carpenter. There is a lot of gore here, and one shot of the nude samurai that guarantees an (NC-17) rating if this had been presented to the MPAA, but Kleinert doesn't hold anything back, and watching this film is a tense experience.
"Der Samurai" is unexplainable, but it meets the criteria I have accidentally developed for a great film over the years- give me something I haven't seen before. If I have seen it before, do something different, show me some originality even in familiarity. Till Kleinert and his cast do just that.
In a small German town, police officer Jakob (Michel Diercks) tries to keep the peace even though no one takes him seriously. He lives with his ailing grandmother, and the crime rate is so low he keeps his gun in his desk back at the police station. He passes the time obsessing about a wolf that is prowling around the local woods, leaving the animal bags of raw meat and hoping it doesn't strike in the town itself. Someone sends a package to Jakob, requesting he deliver it to its rightful owner. Jakob gets a call telling him where to take the giant parcel, and finds himself in an abandoned house face to face with a scary looking man in a white summer dress (Pit Bukowski, who is made up to look eerily like Courtney Love in her 'Hole' days). The nameless man opens the package, pulls out a large Japanese sword, and then things get really weird. The titular character runs amok through the small town, awkwardly trashing and vandalizing everything with his new sword. He doesn't wield it like Uma Thurman in the "Kill Bill" films, he wants to do more damage than anything. Jakob follows along, unarmed, trying to stop the mayhem while also dealing with a lot of internal issues like his self-loathing sexuality. Lone wolf, or lonely wolf, subtext is everywhere, and soon the body count rises as Jakob tries to reason with the insane mass murderer, who seems to know Jakob better than Jakob knows himself.
Kleinert has written and directed a surreal vision I would compare favorably with Lynch, as well as "Coyote"'s Trevor Juenger. There is that required sense of unease the minute the film starts, you know things aren't going to go well, and Kleinert cranks the tension up early on. His film frame composition is nothing short of lovely, and his editing is perfect. Bukowski is creepy, Robert-Blake-in-"Lost-Highway"-creepy, carving out quite the silhouette in his dress and stringy blonde hair. Diercks doesn't overplay the small town cop, and he turns in a sympathetic performance. The film is short, so getting to know too much about other supporting characters is difficult but not really necessary. Conrad Oleak's music is spot on, with one techno riff that sounds like John Carpenter. There is a lot of gore here, and one shot of the nude samurai that guarantees an (NC-17) rating if this had been presented to the MPAA, but Kleinert doesn't hold anything back, and watching this film is a tense experience.
"Der Samurai" is unexplainable, but it meets the criteria I have accidentally developed for a great film over the years- give me something I haven't seen before. If I have seen it before, do something different, show me some originality even in familiarity. Till Kleinert and his cast do just that.
Pitch Perfect 2 (2015)
The Barden Bellas are back, and the comedy is cranked up in this sequel that is just as good as the first film.
After their triumph in that first film, the a capella group led by Beca (Anna Kendrick) are performing for the President and First Lady when a set malfunction results in Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson) flashing her goods to the world. The group is suspended from competing in domestic singing contests and auditioning for new singers, which is kind of okay with Beca as she has just started an internship at a recording studio run by a hotshot producer (a very funny Keegan-Michael Key). The Bellas' tour is taken over by a group from Germany, and the Bellas return home to recover. They accept legacy pledge Emily (Hailee Steinfeld), who composes her own songs, and then prepare to compete at the world championship a capella competition in Copenhagen. No American group has ever won it (the rest of the world hates us), and if the Bellas pull it off, they will be reinstated. The Bellas are not ready, and continue their downward spiral until they are whipped into shape by a former leader and deal with their own internal struggles and issues.
While I was surprised I enjoyed the first film as much as I did, I laughed out loud much more here. There is plenty of subplot to go around, and the addition of the new characters like Emily and Guatemalan Flo (Chrissie Fit) feels right. It's hilarious that Chloe (Brittany Snow) continues to flunk a Russian literature class to stay in school, and the Bellas, since the group is now her entire life. Bumper (Adam Devine) returns, as well as sympathetic Benji (Ben Platt) and Beca's still-boyfriend Jesse (Skylar Astin, who is not given nearly as much to do this time around). Screenwriter Kay Cannon could have taken the easy way out and simply moved the Bellas up to a bigger competition, but instead the conflict and the group's comfortable conceit with themselves was a good direction. Elizabeth Banks doesn't overdo her supporting role with John Michael Higgins, but they score big laughs as the a capella overseers and commentators. Beca continues to work on her dream of becoming a music producer before her new boss puts her in her place, calling her demos a bunch of mash-ups, and forcing her to try more original material- luckily Emily is waiting in the wings with that one perfect song she's been working on. This message flies in the face of the first film, where music from the recent past was highlighted, and Beca's "derivative" mash-ups were more listenable than most of pop radio today. Another quibble is the riff-off scene featuring David Cross. Some funny stuff for sure, but the bit feels dropped in, and the odd character and his competition never seem to jibe with the main thrust of the film. There are a lot of good scenes here, running jokes that continually work like Beca's inability to insult the German group's female lead singer thanks to a girl crush, Higgins' John's misogyny, Flo's comparison of her horrific upbringing to the Bellas' problems; and physical slapstick- the camp retreat, Fat Amy's canoeing song to Bumper- all works thanks to Banks' direction. The musical numbers aren't as long or prevalent in this sequel, the screenplay plays up the comedic aspect more, and I found just as many quotable lines here as I did in the first film.
"Pitch Perfect 2" did lead to a third installment that didn't do too well a couple of years later. If you liked the first one, you'll like this one.
After their triumph in that first film, the a capella group led by Beca (Anna Kendrick) are performing for the President and First Lady when a set malfunction results in Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson) flashing her goods to the world. The group is suspended from competing in domestic singing contests and auditioning for new singers, which is kind of okay with Beca as she has just started an internship at a recording studio run by a hotshot producer (a very funny Keegan-Michael Key). The Bellas' tour is taken over by a group from Germany, and the Bellas return home to recover. They accept legacy pledge Emily (Hailee Steinfeld), who composes her own songs, and then prepare to compete at the world championship a capella competition in Copenhagen. No American group has ever won it (the rest of the world hates us), and if the Bellas pull it off, they will be reinstated. The Bellas are not ready, and continue their downward spiral until they are whipped into shape by a former leader and deal with their own internal struggles and issues.
While I was surprised I enjoyed the first film as much as I did, I laughed out loud much more here. There is plenty of subplot to go around, and the addition of the new characters like Emily and Guatemalan Flo (Chrissie Fit) feels right. It's hilarious that Chloe (Brittany Snow) continues to flunk a Russian literature class to stay in school, and the Bellas, since the group is now her entire life. Bumper (Adam Devine) returns, as well as sympathetic Benji (Ben Platt) and Beca's still-boyfriend Jesse (Skylar Astin, who is not given nearly as much to do this time around). Screenwriter Kay Cannon could have taken the easy way out and simply moved the Bellas up to a bigger competition, but instead the conflict and the group's comfortable conceit with themselves was a good direction. Elizabeth Banks doesn't overdo her supporting role with John Michael Higgins, but they score big laughs as the a capella overseers and commentators. Beca continues to work on her dream of becoming a music producer before her new boss puts her in her place, calling her demos a bunch of mash-ups, and forcing her to try more original material- luckily Emily is waiting in the wings with that one perfect song she's been working on. This message flies in the face of the first film, where music from the recent past was highlighted, and Beca's "derivative" mash-ups were more listenable than most of pop radio today. Another quibble is the riff-off scene featuring David Cross. Some funny stuff for sure, but the bit feels dropped in, and the odd character and his competition never seem to jibe with the main thrust of the film. There are a lot of good scenes here, running jokes that continually work like Beca's inability to insult the German group's female lead singer thanks to a girl crush, Higgins' John's misogyny, Flo's comparison of her horrific upbringing to the Bellas' problems; and physical slapstick- the camp retreat, Fat Amy's canoeing song to Bumper- all works thanks to Banks' direction. The musical numbers aren't as long or prevalent in this sequel, the screenplay plays up the comedic aspect more, and I found just as many quotable lines here as I did in the first film.
"Pitch Perfect 2" did lead to a third installment that didn't do too well a couple of years later. If you liked the first one, you'll like this one.
Wednesday, July 30, 2025
The Other Woman (2014)
Three women take revenge on a jerk man in a film that is neither "9 to 5" or "The First Wives Club."
Carly (Cameron Diaz) is a Columbia Law School graduate living in New York City. She is unlucky at love until she meets Mark (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). He's seemingly perfect, but also mysteriously stand-offish, and one night cancels a dinner with Carly and her father (Don Johnson) because of plumbing issues at his house in Connecticut. Carly shows up uninvited at the house, dressed like Sexy Plumber, but instead meets Mark's ditzy wife Kate (Leslie Mann). Mark is always away on business, and clueless Kate has no idea he is cheating on her. Kate forces herself into Carly's life, trying to get advice on what to do with her husband; all of her suburban friends are more concerned with keeping their husbands happy (the film is saying if you are a stay-at-home wife or mother, you are an idiot). Eventually, Carly and Kate discover yet another mistress, Amber (Kate Upton...sigh...) and the trio band together to teach that jerk man of theirs a lesson through hair removal cream in the shampoo, female hormones in his daily smoothies, and uncovering his prerequisite shady financial dealings.
At one point, while watching this movie, I turned to my then-fiancee/now-wife and said something to the effect that if she was anything like Leslie Mann's character, I would cheat on her, too. Kate is not just ditzy, she is annoying, shrill, possibly has special mental needs, and the viewer shouldn't be watching this and agreeing with her jerk husband's treatment of her, or understanding why he is stepping out on her. Diaz isn't given a character to play, her function is to deliver lines and move the story forward. Her role has a name, but I couldn't tell you one characteristic about Carly when this was done, except she is stuck with the awful Nicki Minaj as a sassy, seen-it-all secretary who only exists in bad movies like this. Kate Upton shows up so late in the film, I kept checking the DVD cover to make sure she really was third-billed. Upton isn't very good, either, but my aforementioned fiancee kept telling me to wipe the stupid grin off my face every time her character was onscreen. The story, written by a woman, borrows heavily from the superior "9 to 5" (right down to a "where are they now?" ending that will make you cringe), and the abysmal "The First Wives Club" (where women show their ex-husbands that they can go through their new lives independent and strong, with a little help from the poor jerks' checkbooks). I could have bought the trio as a little stronger; in "9 to 5" all three women were smart and funny, and took revenge on their boss over what he had done to their personal lives and careers. Mark is a horrible man, but we never know why the three fell for him to begin with, unless surface charm is all it takes these days, and after a while I didn't care what they did to him, I just wanted Upton to put a bikini back on. There's a subplot about Amber and Carly discovering their "true loves," and I called that one as soon as their future beau characters were introduced.
"The Other Woman" plays it safe, when there is so much potential. It's lethally unfunny and totally forgettable.
Carly (Cameron Diaz) is a Columbia Law School graduate living in New York City. She is unlucky at love until she meets Mark (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). He's seemingly perfect, but also mysteriously stand-offish, and one night cancels a dinner with Carly and her father (Don Johnson) because of plumbing issues at his house in Connecticut. Carly shows up uninvited at the house, dressed like Sexy Plumber, but instead meets Mark's ditzy wife Kate (Leslie Mann). Mark is always away on business, and clueless Kate has no idea he is cheating on her. Kate forces herself into Carly's life, trying to get advice on what to do with her husband; all of her suburban friends are more concerned with keeping their husbands happy (the film is saying if you are a stay-at-home wife or mother, you are an idiot). Eventually, Carly and Kate discover yet another mistress, Amber (Kate Upton...sigh...) and the trio band together to teach that jerk man of theirs a lesson through hair removal cream in the shampoo, female hormones in his daily smoothies, and uncovering his prerequisite shady financial dealings.
At one point, while watching this movie, I turned to my then-fiancee/now-wife and said something to the effect that if she was anything like Leslie Mann's character, I would cheat on her, too. Kate is not just ditzy, she is annoying, shrill, possibly has special mental needs, and the viewer shouldn't be watching this and agreeing with her jerk husband's treatment of her, or understanding why he is stepping out on her. Diaz isn't given a character to play, her function is to deliver lines and move the story forward. Her role has a name, but I couldn't tell you one characteristic about Carly when this was done, except she is stuck with the awful Nicki Minaj as a sassy, seen-it-all secretary who only exists in bad movies like this. Kate Upton shows up so late in the film, I kept checking the DVD cover to make sure she really was third-billed. Upton isn't very good, either, but my aforementioned fiancee kept telling me to wipe the stupid grin off my face every time her character was onscreen. The story, written by a woman, borrows heavily from the superior "9 to 5" (right down to a "where are they now?" ending that will make you cringe), and the abysmal "The First Wives Club" (where women show their ex-husbands that they can go through their new lives independent and strong, with a little help from the poor jerks' checkbooks). I could have bought the trio as a little stronger; in "9 to 5" all three women were smart and funny, and took revenge on their boss over what he had done to their personal lives and careers. Mark is a horrible man, but we never know why the three fell for him to begin with, unless surface charm is all it takes these days, and after a while I didn't care what they did to him, I just wanted Upton to put a bikini back on. There's a subplot about Amber and Carly discovering their "true loves," and I called that one as soon as their future beau characters were introduced.
"The Other Woman" plays it safe, when there is so much potential. It's lethally unfunny and totally forgettable.
Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! (1989)
In order to revitalize this sick franchise, the film makers rip off "Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood"- as if that series was one to emulate.
Laura (Samantha Scully), a blind psychic girl, makes a connection with the comatose Ricky (Bill Moseley), who survived the second film. We begin to see more flashbacks from the FIRST film, where they decide it was Ricky, not Billy, who remembers the Santa Claus attack and the deaths of his parents. If I have to see Tara Buckman get her top ripped off and her throat slit one more time, I will deck the halls with the rest of this video series. The film makers have also changed the ending to the last film by having Ricky suffering from a gunshot wound to the head. This necessitates a bowl on his head in order to protect his exposed brain. Nothing scarier that a maniacal killer skulking around with what looks like a gelatin salad placed on the old cranium. Ricky wakes up, is still set off by the color red, and hunts down Laura. She is now at Psychic Granny's (Elizabeth Hoffman) house with her brother and his new girlfriend- who adds to the confusion by looking exactly like Laura. Detective Connely (Robert Culp, who should've investigated how his career came to this) and a scientist are hot on the trail of Ricky, who wanders around L.A. and surrounding areas with his salad bowl helmet on.
The next two sequels in this straight-to-video series have nothing to do with Billy and Ricky and their propensity for dressing like a beloved children's icon and hacking topless women to death. God bless us each and every one, except for "Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!". On a side note, if you get Culp's deja vu joke, then you are a better person than I. Followed by Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation.
Laura (Samantha Scully), a blind psychic girl, makes a connection with the comatose Ricky (Bill Moseley), who survived the second film. We begin to see more flashbacks from the FIRST film, where they decide it was Ricky, not Billy, who remembers the Santa Claus attack and the deaths of his parents. If I have to see Tara Buckman get her top ripped off and her throat slit one more time, I will deck the halls with the rest of this video series. The film makers have also changed the ending to the last film by having Ricky suffering from a gunshot wound to the head. This necessitates a bowl on his head in order to protect his exposed brain. Nothing scarier that a maniacal killer skulking around with what looks like a gelatin salad placed on the old cranium. Ricky wakes up, is still set off by the color red, and hunts down Laura. She is now at Psychic Granny's (Elizabeth Hoffman) house with her brother and his new girlfriend- who adds to the confusion by looking exactly like Laura. Detective Connely (Robert Culp, who should've investigated how his career came to this) and a scientist are hot on the trail of Ricky, who wanders around L.A. and surrounding areas with his salad bowl helmet on.
The next two sequels in this straight-to-video series have nothing to do with Billy and Ricky and their propensity for dressing like a beloved children's icon and hacking topless women to death. God bless us each and every one, except for "Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!". On a side note, if you get Culp's deja vu joke, then you are a better person than I. Followed by Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation.
Prom Night III: The Last Kiss (1990)
In the third, but not the last, entry in the series, the horror is played for laughs.
Alex (Tim Conlon) is an average high school student, and he is tired of it. His height is average, his shoe size is average, his grades are average- there is nothing special about him except his relationships with his girlfriend Sarah (Cynthia Preston) and best friend Shane (David Stratton). Luckily, Mary Lou Maloney (Courtney Taylor) has escaped from hell and is headed back to her old high school. Mary Lou was wronged in the past and decides to help Alex. He is soon the star of the football team, making the honor roll, and has the love of Mary Lou to thank for it all. The problem is Mary Lou is killing those who have hindered Alex in the past, and Alex is burying the bodies in the school's football field. Alex's parents celebrate their son's newfound popularity and scholastic abilities by giving him a motorcycle, but Sarah and Shane have cut themselves off from him, not knowing who he is anymore. The school's prom is fast approaching, and the bodies start turning up.
When a horror comedy works, it can really work. Some of Stuart Gordon's films come to mind, or Tobe Hooper's. "Ghostbusters" wasn't perfect, but it had laughs. This film has the distinction of failing as both a comedy and a horror film. While two people are credited with directing, some of the camera angles do not work. The physical placement of the camera is wrong for many scenes, like when shoved in the face of actor Conlon. One time is enough, but the film makers revert back to this angle often. The script has few funny scenes, and the gallows humor never works. The actors are okay, but they are five to ten years too old for their parts. The special effects are shoddy- cheap glowing animation punctuates cheap gore effects. I can see that this started as a really bizarre bloodbath, but it is trapped by its sequel origins, and never gets going. The finale is predictable and dopey.
"Prom Night III: The Last Kiss" sucks. Hello Mary Lou, goodbye an hour and a half of my life.
Alex (Tim Conlon) is an average high school student, and he is tired of it. His height is average, his shoe size is average, his grades are average- there is nothing special about him except his relationships with his girlfriend Sarah (Cynthia Preston) and best friend Shane (David Stratton). Luckily, Mary Lou Maloney (Courtney Taylor) has escaped from hell and is headed back to her old high school. Mary Lou was wronged in the past and decides to help Alex. He is soon the star of the football team, making the honor roll, and has the love of Mary Lou to thank for it all. The problem is Mary Lou is killing those who have hindered Alex in the past, and Alex is burying the bodies in the school's football field. Alex's parents celebrate their son's newfound popularity and scholastic abilities by giving him a motorcycle, but Sarah and Shane have cut themselves off from him, not knowing who he is anymore. The school's prom is fast approaching, and the bodies start turning up.
When a horror comedy works, it can really work. Some of Stuart Gordon's films come to mind, or Tobe Hooper's. "Ghostbusters" wasn't perfect, but it had laughs. This film has the distinction of failing as both a comedy and a horror film. While two people are credited with directing, some of the camera angles do not work. The physical placement of the camera is wrong for many scenes, like when shoved in the face of actor Conlon. One time is enough, but the film makers revert back to this angle often. The script has few funny scenes, and the gallows humor never works. The actors are okay, but they are five to ten years too old for their parts. The special effects are shoddy- cheap glowing animation punctuates cheap gore effects. I can see that this started as a really bizarre bloodbath, but it is trapped by its sequel origins, and never gets going. The finale is predictable and dopey.
"Prom Night III: The Last Kiss" sucks. Hello Mary Lou, goodbye an hour and a half of my life.
Tuesday, July 29, 2025
Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge (1989)
Somewhere between the food court and Zip's, the mall in this film has an explosives store. This is the only place the title character can purchase the bomb he plants in the dull finale.
A fictional town has a new mall, built on some land that was condemned. Cute Girl (I didn't catch her name) gets a job as a waitress there. She lost her boyfriend Eric (Derek Rydall) in a fire at the site where the mall stands. The villainous mall owner hires the arsonist responsible for the fire as a security guard after his first security guard ends up dead. Peter (Rob Estes) is a photog/reporter trying to find a story. He hooks up with Cute Girl and their mutual "funny" friend Buzz (Pauly Shore), and try to find out if Eric is still alive. He is, living in the mall basement (?) and traveling through the air ducts and offing different people who upset his former girlfriend, including the arsonist. Morgan Fairchild is along for the ride as the town mayor, Karen.
You probably did not need a plot sketch since the entire story is in the title. Someone named Eric is taking revenge against people as a phantom of a mall. This also means there is no suspense. We know Eric is behind this, but we still have to see Peter and Cute Girl go through the motions of a silly investigation. Watch as Mayor Karen, who we know has been in cahoots with the mall owner all along, pull a gun on our heroic duo in the middle of a crowded party, yet no one says a word as she leads them to her office. The fictional town is huge, but no policeman is ever called- everyone relies on mall security for order. Eric has been hiding since the mall was built, but I am not sure where. He seems to live in a basement area, but you would think some construction worker would have found him. He also has furnished his pad quite well, and found a few outlets since he has electricity.
This film is not Eric's revenge, it is the film maker's revenge on me for being dumb enough to watch it.
A fictional town has a new mall, built on some land that was condemned. Cute Girl (I didn't catch her name) gets a job as a waitress there. She lost her boyfriend Eric (Derek Rydall) in a fire at the site where the mall stands. The villainous mall owner hires the arsonist responsible for the fire as a security guard after his first security guard ends up dead. Peter (Rob Estes) is a photog/reporter trying to find a story. He hooks up with Cute Girl and their mutual "funny" friend Buzz (Pauly Shore), and try to find out if Eric is still alive. He is, living in the mall basement (?) and traveling through the air ducts and offing different people who upset his former girlfriend, including the arsonist. Morgan Fairchild is along for the ride as the town mayor, Karen.
You probably did not need a plot sketch since the entire story is in the title. Someone named Eric is taking revenge against people as a phantom of a mall. This also means there is no suspense. We know Eric is behind this, but we still have to see Peter and Cute Girl go through the motions of a silly investigation. Watch as Mayor Karen, who we know has been in cahoots with the mall owner all along, pull a gun on our heroic duo in the middle of a crowded party, yet no one says a word as she leads them to her office. The fictional town is huge, but no policeman is ever called- everyone relies on mall security for order. Eric has been hiding since the mall was built, but I am not sure where. He seems to live in a basement area, but you would think some construction worker would have found him. He also has furnished his pad quite well, and found a few outlets since he has electricity.
This film is not Eric's revenge, it is the film maker's revenge on me for being dumb enough to watch it.
Offerings (1989)
Here is the basic plot, with spoilers: a young boy is psychologically scarred and kills a family member. Years later, he escapes from a mental hospital after attacking a nurse, and heads back to his old hometown. A psychology professional and the local sheriff track him. Cut to the hometown, where the friends of a pretty student begin disappearing, all being murdered, with suspenseful keyboard music in the background. One of her friends is killed in the front seat of a car. The psych guy goes to the cemetery and finds out the killer's family member's grave has been vandalized. Meanwhile, the sheriff visits the killer's old house, now boarded up and abandoned. Eventually, the killer tracks pretty student to her house. Bullets cannot stop this guy, and he ends the film supposedly dead on the lawn. "Wait a minute, you big silly...this is the plot to 'Halloween,' why is it listed under this other movie called 'Offerings'?" Because this film rips off "Halloween" so much that writer/director Christopher Reynolds should've retained a lawyer.
There are a few differences between the films, very few. The psych guy gets killed in this (after handing the killer a nice heavy metallic flashlight to be beaten with). The sheriff here weighs at least 300 pounds. He resembles me, except he has more hair, and I have a brain. Our ditzy heroine, Gretchen (Loretta Leigh Bowman), is so worried about her friends disappearing and spare body parts turning up in her front yard, it is all she can do to put on half-shirts and Capri pants and wait for the police to arrive. The sheriff, not wanting to panic the girls, collects a severed ear and a severed nose by scooping them into a plastic baggie like he was picking up dog poop- or was it this script? Forget a crime scene, this guy has more important things to do- like bust a teen in the abandoned house for reading porn, as unnecessary a scene as there ever was.
The acting is terrible. This was filmed in Oklahoma, and half the time the cast sounds like they are trying to cover their accents and not succeeding. Reynolds rips off John Carpenter's superior film constantly, from the basic plot to assorted wide shots with hard-to-see action occurring at a suburban house. The gore is weak, and the onscreen action is pretty bad. The entire cast sits around and waits to get killed. The killer is taking revenge for a wrong done to him by his victims when they were kids. The problem is the kids are never identified (except Gretchen), and you have no idea who they grew up to be. Instead, we see a bunch of students getting killed, and you do not know if they were involved in the young killer falling down a well or not. The opening scenes, where the young killer is abused by his mother, is offensive to say the least. The mother is killed off-camera, we must hear about it later from a minor character. The musical score is not just really similar to John Carpenter's score- it IS John Carpenter's score. There may be a few differences here and there, but not enough for "Offerings" to list an original score in its credits.
On top of all the blatant copying of a superior film, this film does not stand up as good bad horror. No scares, weak gore, unsympathetic characters, and at ninety-five minutes, this film is ninety-five minutes too long.
There are a few differences between the films, very few. The psych guy gets killed in this (after handing the killer a nice heavy metallic flashlight to be beaten with). The sheriff here weighs at least 300 pounds. He resembles me, except he has more hair, and I have a brain. Our ditzy heroine, Gretchen (Loretta Leigh Bowman), is so worried about her friends disappearing and spare body parts turning up in her front yard, it is all she can do to put on half-shirts and Capri pants and wait for the police to arrive. The sheriff, not wanting to panic the girls, collects a severed ear and a severed nose by scooping them into a plastic baggie like he was picking up dog poop- or was it this script? Forget a crime scene, this guy has more important things to do- like bust a teen in the abandoned house for reading porn, as unnecessary a scene as there ever was.
The acting is terrible. This was filmed in Oklahoma, and half the time the cast sounds like they are trying to cover their accents and not succeeding. Reynolds rips off John Carpenter's superior film constantly, from the basic plot to assorted wide shots with hard-to-see action occurring at a suburban house. The gore is weak, and the onscreen action is pretty bad. The entire cast sits around and waits to get killed. The killer is taking revenge for a wrong done to him by his victims when they were kids. The problem is the kids are never identified (except Gretchen), and you have no idea who they grew up to be. Instead, we see a bunch of students getting killed, and you do not know if they were involved in the young killer falling down a well or not. The opening scenes, where the young killer is abused by his mother, is offensive to say the least. The mother is killed off-camera, we must hear about it later from a minor character. The musical score is not just really similar to John Carpenter's score- it IS John Carpenter's score. There may be a few differences here and there, but not enough for "Offerings" to list an original score in its credits.
On top of all the blatant copying of a superior film, this film does not stand up as good bad horror. No scares, weak gore, unsympathetic characters, and at ninety-five minutes, this film is ninety-five minutes too long.
Satisfaction (1988)
Best known as Julia Roberts' worst film (beating out a lot of competition), this fiasco is eligible for many other worst lists: Worst Liam Neeson Film, Worst Film of 1988, Worst Use of a Rolling Stones Song, and Worst Way to Spend Ninety-Two Minutes Excluding Watching Reality Shows or Porn.
Garage band Jennie Lee and the Mystery (their success is a Mystery, their talent is a Mystery- trust me, I've run the course of those jokes) is led by Jennie (Justine Bateman), a smart girl fresh out of high school- Bateman was 22 when this was released. The other cliches in her band include bad girl Mooch (Trini Alvarado), dumb junkie Billy (Britta Phillips), pretty woman Daryle (Julia Roberts), and token dude Nickie (Scott Coffey). The group, based in the mean streets of what looks like Baltimore, heads to the beach to audition as the house band for Martin Falcon's (Liam Neeson) bar. Since even their jam sessions sound like professional recordings, they get the gig, and complications ensue. Jennie wants to go to college but falls for Martin- a washed-up, drunken songwriter mourning his wife's death. Mooch and Nickie grow closer. Billy takes drugs, preparing herself for the overdose scene you know is coming. Daryle is attracted to rich law student Josh (Kevin Haley), forgetting hometown boyfriend Frankie (Chris Nash). It's tough when the band has to play three or four songs a night, never sleep, and come up with enough bad performances to make the audience stare in amazement. A possible European tour arises- two World Wars, and now this?- and the band must grow up and do some hard thinking about where they want to be at the end of the summer.
This film is infamously bad. The fact that Roberts and Neeson escaped this unscathed is a miracle. Some of my best friends are musicians, and this film is so far removed from the reality of playing live in a bar, it's science fiction/fantasy. Every time Bateman opens her mouth to sing, the sound production is there and all background noise is silenced. In the creaky van on the way to Martin's bar, the "improvised" jam session is crystal clear. It's funny because we are treated to a high school graduation speech where Jennie tears into her fellow students, telling them not to be like generations before, and to get off their butts and make a difference in this lousy world- and then she spends the rest of the film singing old rock-'n'-roll songs from the same "lazy" generations they shouldn't emulate. Aside from "satisfaction," most of the words spoken in the painful dialogue have just one syllable. It's as if the screenwriters transcribed a twelve year old girl's diary, and submitted the result. The comedic scenes fall flat (the volleyball game), but they pale in comparison to the ludicrous melodrama. Debbie Harry wanders in for a ten second cameo. The gang members looking for Mooch resemble rejects from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video, complete with tough blonde highlights and villainous bandannas.
This was released to television as "Girls of Summer" to hide the fact that it bombed theatrically. I'm still trying to get the reggae version of "Mr. Big Stuff" out of my head- do yourselves a favor, don't get no "Satisfaction."
Garage band Jennie Lee and the Mystery (their success is a Mystery, their talent is a Mystery- trust me, I've run the course of those jokes) is led by Jennie (Justine Bateman), a smart girl fresh out of high school- Bateman was 22 when this was released. The other cliches in her band include bad girl Mooch (Trini Alvarado), dumb junkie Billy (Britta Phillips), pretty woman Daryle (Julia Roberts), and token dude Nickie (Scott Coffey). The group, based in the mean streets of what looks like Baltimore, heads to the beach to audition as the house band for Martin Falcon's (Liam Neeson) bar. Since even their jam sessions sound like professional recordings, they get the gig, and complications ensue. Jennie wants to go to college but falls for Martin- a washed-up, drunken songwriter mourning his wife's death. Mooch and Nickie grow closer. Billy takes drugs, preparing herself for the overdose scene you know is coming. Daryle is attracted to rich law student Josh (Kevin Haley), forgetting hometown boyfriend Frankie (Chris Nash). It's tough when the band has to play three or four songs a night, never sleep, and come up with enough bad performances to make the audience stare in amazement. A possible European tour arises- two World Wars, and now this?- and the band must grow up and do some hard thinking about where they want to be at the end of the summer.
This film is infamously bad. The fact that Roberts and Neeson escaped this unscathed is a miracle. Some of my best friends are musicians, and this film is so far removed from the reality of playing live in a bar, it's science fiction/fantasy. Every time Bateman opens her mouth to sing, the sound production is there and all background noise is silenced. In the creaky van on the way to Martin's bar, the "improvised" jam session is crystal clear. It's funny because we are treated to a high school graduation speech where Jennie tears into her fellow students, telling them not to be like generations before, and to get off their butts and make a difference in this lousy world- and then she spends the rest of the film singing old rock-'n'-roll songs from the same "lazy" generations they shouldn't emulate. Aside from "satisfaction," most of the words spoken in the painful dialogue have just one syllable. It's as if the screenwriters transcribed a twelve year old girl's diary, and submitted the result. The comedic scenes fall flat (the volleyball game), but they pale in comparison to the ludicrous melodrama. Debbie Harry wanders in for a ten second cameo. The gang members looking for Mooch resemble rejects from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video, complete with tough blonde highlights and villainous bandannas.
This was released to television as "Girls of Summer" to hide the fact that it bombed theatrically. I'm still trying to get the reggae version of "Mr. Big Stuff" out of my head- do yourselves a favor, don't get no "Satisfaction."
Monday, July 28, 2025
Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
After my viewing of the first film, I did not think the sequel could be any worse. I was wrong.
This 88 minute film rehashes the first film by flashback for the first 40 minutes- yes, that's four names in the story credit for what amounts to half a film. Not only does it cover the plot, it shows all the awful scenes that made the first one so bad.
In a mental hospital, adult Ricky (Eric Freeman) is talking to a psychiatrist (James Newman) about his Santa-dressing killer brother Billy. Ricky has a good memory, since he repeats scenes that neither him nor his brother witnessed, and the film makers change the plot of the first film to suit their needs. Ricky also seems to have taken some classes on how to play a character completely wrong. His scenes with the psychiatrist are terrible. Ricky escapes to take revenge on the first film's Mother Superior (Jean Miller). He is sent into murderous rages by the color red- you know that color, you probably go days on end without ever seeing? Ricky dresses like Santa, and begins hacking and killing.
This has gained a "so bad it's good" reputation over the years, but "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" is just as awful as the first film, and just as repugnant. Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!".
This 88 minute film rehashes the first film by flashback for the first 40 minutes- yes, that's four names in the story credit for what amounts to half a film. Not only does it cover the plot, it shows all the awful scenes that made the first one so bad.
In a mental hospital, adult Ricky (Eric Freeman) is talking to a psychiatrist (James Newman) about his Santa-dressing killer brother Billy. Ricky has a good memory, since he repeats scenes that neither him nor his brother witnessed, and the film makers change the plot of the first film to suit their needs. Ricky also seems to have taken some classes on how to play a character completely wrong. His scenes with the psychiatrist are terrible. Ricky escapes to take revenge on the first film's Mother Superior (Jean Miller). He is sent into murderous rages by the color red- you know that color, you probably go days on end without ever seeing? Ricky dresses like Santa, and begins hacking and killing.
This has gained a "so bad it's good" reputation over the years, but "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" is just as awful as the first film, and just as repugnant. Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!".
Return to Horror High (1987)
Mega-star George Clooney is the first victim in this slasher/comedy wannabe. He is also the luckiest, since he does not have to endure the rest of the film.
Five years after murders rock a high school, film makers return to shoot a film based on that event. Members of the cast and crew begin disappearing, indicating a killer is still lurking in the halls of Crippen High.
The killer did not do enough slashing, he should have had a stab at this script. The characters have been done before- the director is all artistic frenzy, the producer is a sleazy scumbag, the screenwriter is ignored, and the actors are shallow. At one point, an actor playing a corpse with a hatchet in his face asks "what is my motivation?", as if that joke has not been done a thousand times before (it has). The heroes are a local cop and his cute actress girlfriend, who begin wandering around the set and writing down lists of names of the crew who have a connection to the high school. This plays like rejected scenes from "Harriet the Spy," as they happen on a conversation, whip out a notebook, nod, and write. There are a number of familiar faces in the cast including Maureen McCormick, who has an odd role as an oversexed police woman. Clooney does disappear early, but the look on his face tells you he had to do this silliness to fill a resume (which obviously worked). The film makers constantly try to trick the viewer with "are you watching the film, or the real thing?" scenes that get old quick. The ending is insipid, makes no sense, and the sequel everyone promises was never made.
"Return to Horror High" should be held after class and put into detention. Skip it.
Five years after murders rock a high school, film makers return to shoot a film based on that event. Members of the cast and crew begin disappearing, indicating a killer is still lurking in the halls of Crippen High.
The killer did not do enough slashing, he should have had a stab at this script. The characters have been done before- the director is all artistic frenzy, the producer is a sleazy scumbag, the screenwriter is ignored, and the actors are shallow. At one point, an actor playing a corpse with a hatchet in his face asks "what is my motivation?", as if that joke has not been done a thousand times before (it has). The heroes are a local cop and his cute actress girlfriend, who begin wandering around the set and writing down lists of names of the crew who have a connection to the high school. This plays like rejected scenes from "Harriet the Spy," as they happen on a conversation, whip out a notebook, nod, and write. There are a number of familiar faces in the cast including Maureen McCormick, who has an odd role as an oversexed police woman. Clooney does disappear early, but the look on his face tells you he had to do this silliness to fill a resume (which obviously worked). The film makers constantly try to trick the viewer with "are you watching the film, or the real thing?" scenes that get old quick. The ending is insipid, makes no sense, and the sequel everyone promises was never made.
"Return to Horror High" should be held after class and put into detention. Skip it.
Saturday, July 26, 2025
The Ripper (1985)
Christopher Lewis, who punished horror fans with tripe like "Blood Cult," and its sequel "Revenge," pulls a master stroke of bad cinema, using the good name of Tom Savini to sell an awful video.
I write video, and not film, because this production was shot on videotape. The opening scene has Jack the Ripper stalking and murdering a woman in Oklahoma, which is sadly trying to pass for Victorian London. The setting may be the late 1800's, but the traffic lights and automobiles tell us someone forgot to check their shot before hitting RECORD on the tape deck. Fast forward ninety years to an anonymous university where Professor Richard Harwell (Tom Schreier) is teaching a course entitled Famous Crimes on Film. The class is going to study real crimes, then see how Hollywood reenacts them. The class pet is know-it-all film buff Steve (Wade Tower), and his right hand girl is Cindy (Andrea Adams). Richard is getting it on with Carol (Mona Van Pernis), the university dance teacher. Richard calls her "honey" throughout the film, and I did not know her name was Carol until the climax. Carol and Richard shop in an antique store and Richard finds a garish ring. It just so happens that the ring belonged to Jack the Ripper, and Richard puts the ring on and cannot get it off. The town starts experiencing horrific murders, and Richard seems to be sleeping an awful lot. He dreams of the murders being committed by the world's most notorious serial killer. The desperate, laughable finale involves a character being taken hostage by the Ripper's spirit (Tom Savini).
Tom Savini, better known for his special effects makeup work, acting in films like "Knightriders" and "From Dusk till Dawn," and fantastic direction of the 1990 "Night of the Living Dead" remake is top-billed and appears on the video box cover. However, he does not appear onscreen until the final five minutes. Let me repeat that: he does not appear onscreen until the final five minutes. There is a dark figure who commits the murders throughout the video, but it ain't Tom. The gore effects are not great, as plastic skin and watery fake blood are used. The cast is awful, but they cannot be blamed- with this material, they are given nothing to work with. Savini looks lost. He wears weird contact lenses, and speaks with an American accent, playing Britain's infamous killer. Lewis tries to make this a bigger production than it is, but he is too lousy a director.
Taped in the 1980's, the video is a time capsule. Recoil as suspenseful calls are made on rotary phones! Delight in a dance number that makes "Staying Alive" look like Nureyev! Pant as major plot points revolve around such icons as Trivial Pursuit and The People's Almanac! "The Ripper" is awful in so many senses of the word, you have been warned.
I write video, and not film, because this production was shot on videotape. The opening scene has Jack the Ripper stalking and murdering a woman in Oklahoma, which is sadly trying to pass for Victorian London. The setting may be the late 1800's, but the traffic lights and automobiles tell us someone forgot to check their shot before hitting RECORD on the tape deck. Fast forward ninety years to an anonymous university where Professor Richard Harwell (Tom Schreier) is teaching a course entitled Famous Crimes on Film. The class is going to study real crimes, then see how Hollywood reenacts them. The class pet is know-it-all film buff Steve (Wade Tower), and his right hand girl is Cindy (Andrea Adams). Richard is getting it on with Carol (Mona Van Pernis), the university dance teacher. Richard calls her "honey" throughout the film, and I did not know her name was Carol until the climax. Carol and Richard shop in an antique store and Richard finds a garish ring. It just so happens that the ring belonged to Jack the Ripper, and Richard puts the ring on and cannot get it off. The town starts experiencing horrific murders, and Richard seems to be sleeping an awful lot. He dreams of the murders being committed by the world's most notorious serial killer. The desperate, laughable finale involves a character being taken hostage by the Ripper's spirit (Tom Savini).
Tom Savini, better known for his special effects makeup work, acting in films like "Knightriders" and "From Dusk till Dawn," and fantastic direction of the 1990 "Night of the Living Dead" remake is top-billed and appears on the video box cover. However, he does not appear onscreen until the final five minutes. Let me repeat that: he does not appear onscreen until the final five minutes. There is a dark figure who commits the murders throughout the video, but it ain't Tom. The gore effects are not great, as plastic skin and watery fake blood are used. The cast is awful, but they cannot be blamed- with this material, they are given nothing to work with. Savini looks lost. He wears weird contact lenses, and speaks with an American accent, playing Britain's infamous killer. Lewis tries to make this a bigger production than it is, but he is too lousy a director.
Taped in the 1980's, the video is a time capsule. Recoil as suspenseful calls are made on rotary phones! Delight in a dance number that makes "Staying Alive" look like Nureyev! Pant as major plot points revolve around such icons as Trivial Pursuit and The People's Almanac! "The Ripper" is awful in so many senses of the word, you have been warned.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
This little slice of hell was picketed when released because the psycho killer is dressed as Santa Claus. That ain't the half of it- I have never seen a film with such a devout hatred of children.
The first twenty minutes of this are nauseating as a child is scared after unwisely being left alone with his "catatonic" grandfather (Will Hare). The child sees his parents killed, including his mother (Tara Buckman) getting her top ripped off and her throat slit. His father (Geoff Hansen) gets shot in the head a couple of times. The boy, Billy, and his baby brother, Ricky, go to an orphanage where beatings and tied-to-the-bed torture commence. Billy (Robert Brian Wilson) grows up, leaves the orphanage, finds himself playing Santa at a toy store, has a flashback, and begins killing everyone.
Of the four female characters killed in the film, three of them are topless when their deaths occur. The children at the orphanage witness not one but two men dressed as Santa Claus shot to death in front of them. When Billy, the main killer, is offed, Ricky goes a little nuts, guaranteeing a sequel.
Back in 1984, I remember thinking it was no big deal that the killer dressed like Santa when this came out, but then I watched it. I would not let my kids within a hundred feet of the television while I reviewed this. Despite an iconic movie poster, the film itself is disgusting, without the slightest scare or original idea. Go watch "Black Christmas" instead. Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2", and a remake.
The first twenty minutes of this are nauseating as a child is scared after unwisely being left alone with his "catatonic" grandfather (Will Hare). The child sees his parents killed, including his mother (Tara Buckman) getting her top ripped off and her throat slit. His father (Geoff Hansen) gets shot in the head a couple of times. The boy, Billy, and his baby brother, Ricky, go to an orphanage where beatings and tied-to-the-bed torture commence. Billy (Robert Brian Wilson) grows up, leaves the orphanage, finds himself playing Santa at a toy store, has a flashback, and begins killing everyone.
Of the four female characters killed in the film, three of them are topless when their deaths occur. The children at the orphanage witness not one but two men dressed as Santa Claus shot to death in front of them. When Billy, the main killer, is offed, Ricky goes a little nuts, guaranteeing a sequel.
Back in 1984, I remember thinking it was no big deal that the killer dressed like Santa when this came out, but then I watched it. I would not let my kids within a hundred feet of the television while I reviewed this. Despite an iconic movie poster, the film itself is disgusting, without the slightest scare or original idea. Go watch "Black Christmas" instead. Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2", and a remake.
Scream (1981)
A group of people rafting in west Texas stop to camp out in a ghost town. The assorted tourists pick the wrong time to wander off alone, and they are murdered in boring fashion. The sun rises, so does my ire, and the rafters discover they are without rafts. They return to the ghost town, where two lost motorcyclists happen by. One leaves with tour leader Stan (Ethan Wayne), and the killing continues. Almost a solid hour into this, character actor Woody Strode rides in on a horse and a fog bank, has a meaningless three minute scene, and leaves. He does figure in the finale, for another two minutes, but the climax is so bad and the killer's identity so off-the-wall that you may find yourself reenacting the film's title.
The characters' names are negligible, and some of the cast are not named at all. When Strode rides in with a body on his horse, someone recognizes it as one of the motorcyclists- and we did not know his name until that moment. The ghost town set is good, and the director tries to do some John Carpenteresque business on the screen by showing empty building facades, but he cannot build any suspense. Characters meander off alone at the drop of a hat just to be killed. Not one, but two characters are murdered when they leave to fetch beverages. The director makes the obvious, budgetary decision to show only one murder onscreen. The gore effects consist of fake blood on a variety of farming implements and nothing more. The film features character actors like Pepper Martin, Hank Worden, Gregg Palmer, and Alvy Moore all doing the worst work of their careers. The old Vestron Video company adds insult to injury with their VHS video box. The curved sickle on the cover is not in the film. Woody Strode, who appeared in almost ninety films, including "The Ten Commandments," "Spartacus," "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance," and "Sergeant Rutledge" is credited on the back cover plot summary with his cinematic masterwork "Angkor: Cambodian Express" (huh?).
A horror film is a tricky thing to pull off. The victims should be sympathetic, or have a collective I.Q. higher than the number of fingers on your left hand. The villain should be scary, but here they are never seen. The special effects should add to the suspense, not serve as a subliminal Pavlovian trigger for French fries with extra ketchup.
In the end, "Scream" is another nail in the coffin of late 1970's/early 1980's horror, where the slasher film quickly fell from the heights of "Halloween" to the depths of "Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan" and "Slaughterhouse."
The characters' names are negligible, and some of the cast are not named at all. When Strode rides in with a body on his horse, someone recognizes it as one of the motorcyclists- and we did not know his name until that moment. The ghost town set is good, and the director tries to do some John Carpenteresque business on the screen by showing empty building facades, but he cannot build any suspense. Characters meander off alone at the drop of a hat just to be killed. Not one, but two characters are murdered when they leave to fetch beverages. The director makes the obvious, budgetary decision to show only one murder onscreen. The gore effects consist of fake blood on a variety of farming implements and nothing more. The film features character actors like Pepper Martin, Hank Worden, Gregg Palmer, and Alvy Moore all doing the worst work of their careers. The old Vestron Video company adds insult to injury with their VHS video box. The curved sickle on the cover is not in the film. Woody Strode, who appeared in almost ninety films, including "The Ten Commandments," "Spartacus," "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance," and "Sergeant Rutledge" is credited on the back cover plot summary with his cinematic masterwork "Angkor: Cambodian Express" (huh?).
A horror film is a tricky thing to pull off. The victims should be sympathetic, or have a collective I.Q. higher than the number of fingers on your left hand. The villain should be scary, but here they are never seen. The special effects should add to the suspense, not serve as a subliminal Pavlovian trigger for French fries with extra ketchup.
In the end, "Scream" is another nail in the coffin of late 1970's/early 1980's horror, where the slasher film quickly fell from the heights of "Halloween" to the depths of "Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan" and "Slaughterhouse."
Friday, July 25, 2025
The Prey (1983)
Sure, most of the slasher films of the 1980's were not worth the celluloid they were filmed on, but this video nightmare may well be one of the dullest produced. Six horny, pot-smoking students decide to go camping. Of course, and you know this already, they begin getting killed one by one by a mysterious stranger. The climax has a hunky forest ranger trying to get to the teens in time before the last cute girl becomes buzzard bait.
John Carl Buechler did the lousy makeup effects. The cast features Carel Struycken, of "The Witches of Eastwick" and the live-action Addams Family movies. He does not pop up until the very end of the film, and is covered in burn makeup, rendering him unrecognizable. Steve Bond has an early role as a victim. Brown's direction, and the script he co-wrote, both smell like the presents brown bears leave in the woods. He pads the film with so much stock wilderness footage, I thought I accidentally rented an episode of "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom". The cast sit around the campfire and eat, then walk, and sit and eat again. The forest ranger is involved in one of the strangest scenes ever put in a slasher film: he tells a joke about a wide mouthed frog to a baby deer. Jackie Coogan, who must have forgot he once worked with the legends of silent cinema, has two scenes, and is involved in another strange scene: he and the hunky forest ranger have a conversation about cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches on oatmeal bread...yeah. There is not one minute of suspense. The killer watches the students from behind trees. We know it is the killer because the film makers have dubbed in a heartbeat sound effect that serves to wake the viewer up every few minutes. Skip this pile of pine sap and watch "Halloween," instead.
John Carl Buechler did the lousy makeup effects. The cast features Carel Struycken, of "The Witches of Eastwick" and the live-action Addams Family movies. He does not pop up until the very end of the film, and is covered in burn makeup, rendering him unrecognizable. Steve Bond has an early role as a victim. Brown's direction, and the script he co-wrote, both smell like the presents brown bears leave in the woods. He pads the film with so much stock wilderness footage, I thought I accidentally rented an episode of "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom". The cast sit around the campfire and eat, then walk, and sit and eat again. The forest ranger is involved in one of the strangest scenes ever put in a slasher film: he tells a joke about a wide mouthed frog to a baby deer. Jackie Coogan, who must have forgot he once worked with the legends of silent cinema, has two scenes, and is involved in another strange scene: he and the hunky forest ranger have a conversation about cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches on oatmeal bread...yeah. There is not one minute of suspense. The killer watches the students from behind trees. We know it is the killer because the film makers have dubbed in a heartbeat sound effect that serves to wake the viewer up every few minutes. Skip this pile of pine sap and watch "Halloween," instead.
One from the Heart (1982)
**SPOILER REVIEW** Frannie (Teri Garr) and Hank (Frederic Forrest) are two everyday Joes who live together and are having relationship difficulties. Frannie works in a travel agency, wishing she could visit the places she sends others to. Hank works at a wrecking yard, salvaging old neon signs and creating a little piece of heaven in the back of the garage. The couple calls it quits, and Frannie meets Ray (Raul Julia), a waiter/wannabe singer who wants to go to all the places Frannie dreams about. Hank meets circus girl Leila (Nastassja Kinski), who loves his little playland behind the garage, and also wants to run away with him. The new couples bed down, and Frannie prepares to go to Bora Bora with Ray, and Hank has second thoughts.
I cannot describe how dull this film is. It took me two days to plow through it. Garr and Forrest are terrible. They have a few moments of drama that play like bad network TV, and their attempts at screwball comedy are unfunny. Julia is okay, I miss him in better films. Kinski is there and gone so quickly, I did not know why she was listed so high in the credits. Leila warns Hank that she will disappear if he does not stay with her. In her exit scene, he walks away from her when she is standing by a car, and in the background you can see her head as she ducks behind the vehicle. Forrest turns around and she is "magically" gone. Coppola decided to recreate the Las Vegas Strip on a soundstage. The first credit at the end of the film reads something to the effect: "This entire film was shot on the stages of Zoetrope Studios." Really? I guess the constant spotting of the edges of the backscreen in the exterior scenes was not a bold cinematic statement, but sloppy direction. In one gaffe, as the camera looks up at Forrest, you can see the ceiling of the giant building they created this massive set in.
Teri Garr gives the same performance she always did. Coppola puts her through THREE clothes-changing scenes, for the gratuitous nudity. Garr and Forrest are supposed to be playing average folks like you and I, but if this is what Coppola thinks the rest of America is like, he needs to get out of California's wine country. Lainie Kazan and Harry Dean Stanton are dragged out in the thankless roles of Frannie and Hank's best friends. Tom Waits and Crystal Gayle sing all the songs on the soundtrack. The songs are okay, but they do not belong in this film. Coppola pulls all the tricks out of his magic movie fun bag, and each one fizzles. Average special effects are thrown in because the budget was huge, not because a scene demanded it. Scenes run too long, have no point, and you can almost hear Coppola whispering "this entire film was shot on the stages of Zoetrope Studios."
"One from the Heart" feels like one to the groin. Coppola's film making career never fully recovered from this.
I cannot describe how dull this film is. It took me two days to plow through it. Garr and Forrest are terrible. They have a few moments of drama that play like bad network TV, and their attempts at screwball comedy are unfunny. Julia is okay, I miss him in better films. Kinski is there and gone so quickly, I did not know why she was listed so high in the credits. Leila warns Hank that she will disappear if he does not stay with her. In her exit scene, he walks away from her when she is standing by a car, and in the background you can see her head as she ducks behind the vehicle. Forrest turns around and she is "magically" gone. Coppola decided to recreate the Las Vegas Strip on a soundstage. The first credit at the end of the film reads something to the effect: "This entire film was shot on the stages of Zoetrope Studios." Really? I guess the constant spotting of the edges of the backscreen in the exterior scenes was not a bold cinematic statement, but sloppy direction. In one gaffe, as the camera looks up at Forrest, you can see the ceiling of the giant building they created this massive set in.
Teri Garr gives the same performance she always did. Coppola puts her through THREE clothes-changing scenes, for the gratuitous nudity. Garr and Forrest are supposed to be playing average folks like you and I, but if this is what Coppola thinks the rest of America is like, he needs to get out of California's wine country. Lainie Kazan and Harry Dean Stanton are dragged out in the thankless roles of Frannie and Hank's best friends. Tom Waits and Crystal Gayle sing all the songs on the soundtrack. The songs are okay, but they do not belong in this film. Coppola pulls all the tricks out of his magic movie fun bag, and each one fizzles. Average special effects are thrown in because the budget was huge, not because a scene demanded it. Scenes run too long, have no point, and you can almost hear Coppola whispering "this entire film was shot on the stages of Zoetrope Studios."
"One from the Heart" feels like one to the groin. Coppola's film making career never fully recovered from this.
The Prowler (1981)
**SPOILER REVIEW** Let us review the plot of this generic horror film. First, in flashback, a horrific murder happens. Fast forward to the then present-day, and the reopening of a closed dance/school/prom night, etc., where the first murder took place. Throw in a few red herring suspects, like the school janitor in the basement, or the crazy old man who bags groceries at the supermarket. Introduce one virginal girl with boyfriend trouble, and her oversexed, horny friends. As horny friends get killed, have virgin and new boyfriend run from masked killer. Killer does not kill boyfriend, and town weirdo kills killer...or so we think. Have killer come back to life, then get killed by virgin. Put virgin in final scene as dead come back to life and grab her, then realize it was only a dream/hallucination. There, now you have "The Prowler."
While Tom Savini's makeup effects are on display here, this is still such a silly film even his big bag of gore cannot save a lousy script. I had the killer figured out as soon as he was introduced, so I had to sit back and watch the blood flow. Big deal, the killer uses a pitchfork. I guess a concealed weapons charge is out of the question, those are so hard to hide in your pocket.
"The Prowler" is lousy film making that only has a reputation because of Savini's makeup effects. Gore does not equal scares, and neither does "The Prowler."
While Tom Savini's makeup effects are on display here, this is still such a silly film even his big bag of gore cannot save a lousy script. I had the killer figured out as soon as he was introduced, so I had to sit back and watch the blood flow. Big deal, the killer uses a pitchfork. I guess a concealed weapons charge is out of the question, those are so hard to hide in your pocket.
"The Prowler" is lousy film making that only has a reputation because of Savini's makeup effects. Gore does not equal scares, and neither does "The Prowler."
Dragon Force (1982)
Disclaimer: The following plot summary of contains no fallacies on my part. Real humans wrote this, and got it filmed. Please do not contact me, accusing me of making up any of the plot points or characters' names. I owned this film on video, and everything is true and accurate.
On the VHS version under the title "Powerforce," one of the first images to greet the viewer of this film are the three letters "I-U-D." Under the mistaken impression that this is a documentary on birth control, I-U-D stands for "Independent United Distributors." Princess Rawleen (Mandy Moore...no, not that Mandy Moore) is European royalty from the country of Mongrovia. Her right hand man, General Marushka (James Barnett), has teamed with a terrorist named Mr. Sly (Randy Channell Soei). They want to kidnap the princess, and get a hold of her country's chrome ore so they can overcharge makers of nuclear weapons and reactors. Rawleen stays with two friends in Hong Kong- Richard (Richard Lau), who offers her cocaine, and then drops the subject for the rest of the film, and Elana (Olivia Cheng). Rawleen is accompanied by her secretary Eva and security chief Max Leon. Much is made of Rawleen's virginity, and she is kidnapped by a bunch of ninjas. Strutting beauhunk Jack Sargeant (Bruce Baron) is called in by his boss, named Trouble, to find the princess. Sargeant must team with a group called Dragonforce in order to save her. Sargeant is told to visit a contact in Hong Kong and get some weaponry for the big fight. His contact's name? Ah Chu. Where is Ah Chu located? At the Good Fu-king Flour Company (please, reread my disclaimer if you find this hard to believe). Accompanied by "funny" music, Sargeant meets Ah Chu (by sneezing, of course), and does not take any weapons. Ah Chu then talks about a "double nothing guy from England" who is coming next week for weapons. Sargeant is sent to the Tiptoe Forest and meets his new coworkers- the Monk Kamikasu, cute Soo-lin (Frances Fong), and the leader Tau Lung (Bruce Li). In a ceremony that makes a frat hazing look like a Roman Catholic Mass, Sargeant is initiated into Dragonforce, and they go about saving the princess.
The film is dubbed, and character names were hard to understand, as was the plot. The film is ninety eight minutes, and I found ninety six minutes that should have been dropped. The action is okay, but the fights bore. The acting is bad, even for dubbed. It is hard to believe people invested money in this. The original music is all wrong, one fight scene is done to high orchestral strings better suited for a Sally Field tearjerker. The pacing is off, and the characters are trapped in 1982 fashions. The ninjas are funny, wearing neon orange pajamas that would stand out anywhere. As the main hero, a special mention should go to Baron. He does not know how to play a character. He has his lines down, he can kick and punch, but his facial expression is fixed throughout. Bruce Li, now suspecting that he was a film actor only because he kinda looks like Bruce Lee, is also terrible. Everyone takes the plot so seriously, the screenwriters forgot to tell them this was a semi-comedy. This is a bad film. I cannot recommend it. Also known as "Powerforce."
On the VHS version under the title "Powerforce," one of the first images to greet the viewer of this film are the three letters "I-U-D." Under the mistaken impression that this is a documentary on birth control, I-U-D stands for "Independent United Distributors." Princess Rawleen (Mandy Moore...no, not that Mandy Moore) is European royalty from the country of Mongrovia. Her right hand man, General Marushka (James Barnett), has teamed with a terrorist named Mr. Sly (Randy Channell Soei). They want to kidnap the princess, and get a hold of her country's chrome ore so they can overcharge makers of nuclear weapons and reactors. Rawleen stays with two friends in Hong Kong- Richard (Richard Lau), who offers her cocaine, and then drops the subject for the rest of the film, and Elana (Olivia Cheng). Rawleen is accompanied by her secretary Eva and security chief Max Leon. Much is made of Rawleen's virginity, and she is kidnapped by a bunch of ninjas. Strutting beauhunk Jack Sargeant (Bruce Baron) is called in by his boss, named Trouble, to find the princess. Sargeant must team with a group called Dragonforce in order to save her. Sargeant is told to visit a contact in Hong Kong and get some weaponry for the big fight. His contact's name? Ah Chu. Where is Ah Chu located? At the Good Fu-king Flour Company (please, reread my disclaimer if you find this hard to believe). Accompanied by "funny" music, Sargeant meets Ah Chu (by sneezing, of course), and does not take any weapons. Ah Chu then talks about a "double nothing guy from England" who is coming next week for weapons. Sargeant is sent to the Tiptoe Forest and meets his new coworkers- the Monk Kamikasu, cute Soo-lin (Frances Fong), and the leader Tau Lung (Bruce Li). In a ceremony that makes a frat hazing look like a Roman Catholic Mass, Sargeant is initiated into Dragonforce, and they go about saving the princess.
The film is dubbed, and character names were hard to understand, as was the plot. The film is ninety eight minutes, and I found ninety six minutes that should have been dropped. The action is okay, but the fights bore. The acting is bad, even for dubbed. It is hard to believe people invested money in this. The original music is all wrong, one fight scene is done to high orchestral strings better suited for a Sally Field tearjerker. The pacing is off, and the characters are trapped in 1982 fashions. The ninjas are funny, wearing neon orange pajamas that would stand out anywhere. As the main hero, a special mention should go to Baron. He does not know how to play a character. He has his lines down, he can kick and punch, but his facial expression is fixed throughout. Bruce Li, now suspecting that he was a film actor only because he kinda looks like Bruce Lee, is also terrible. Everyone takes the plot so seriously, the screenwriters forgot to tell them this was a semi-comedy. This is a bad film. I cannot recommend it. Also known as "Powerforce."
Home Sweet Home (1981)
**SPOILER REVIEW** This silly slasher flick is notable for exercise guru Jake Steinfeld's awful turn as the killer. In an isolated ranch house, a group of friends gather for a big meal. I see turkey, I see cranberry sauce, but no one ever mentions the word "Thanksgiving." The characters include a Mexican singer, her blustery boyfriend, a little girl, a record exec, his girlfriend, another woman, and a golden blonde couple who are the obvious heroes. Oh, I forgot the exec's son- a talking mime who plays an unplugged electric guitar. You want him to be the first to die, but we don't get everything we wish for. Everyone is dispatched one by one in the course of the evening.
While car trouble has long been a staple of this type of film, this is not satisfied with one breaking down. We have TWO cars not start, meaning the victims, I mean occupants, must get out, and walk, and die. Everyone is killed by Jake, who sports David Hasselhoff's "Knight Rider"-era hair and a big knife. The gore consists of fake blood, liberally spilled. Not only is the production amateurish, so is the post-production, as most of the dialogue, and Jake's maniacal laugh, are dubbed. The silliest aspect of the film is the amount of characters who go "looking" for other characters. Half the cast leaves and is killed, and the remaining survivors come up with the worst excuses for where they could be. How many Thanksgiving meals are interrupted by sudden trips to the local bar to watch the big game?
If you want to pity anyone (besides me for sitting through this), pity the little girl who at one point is abandoned in a dark room with killer Jake. Only after the heroic couple vacate the premises do they decide they should probably try to retrieve the defenseless child. It is this kind of stupidity that takes the smallest amount of campy fun out of this effort. In the end, Jake is un-killable because he is on PCP- at least it wasn't because of something dumb. "Home Sweet Home" is one unwelcome guest, skip it. Also known as "Slasher in the House" and "Bloodparty."
While car trouble has long been a staple of this type of film, this is not satisfied with one breaking down. We have TWO cars not start, meaning the victims, I mean occupants, must get out, and walk, and die. Everyone is killed by Jake, who sports David Hasselhoff's "Knight Rider"-era hair and a big knife. The gore consists of fake blood, liberally spilled. Not only is the production amateurish, so is the post-production, as most of the dialogue, and Jake's maniacal laugh, are dubbed. The silliest aspect of the film is the amount of characters who go "looking" for other characters. Half the cast leaves and is killed, and the remaining survivors come up with the worst excuses for where they could be. How many Thanksgiving meals are interrupted by sudden trips to the local bar to watch the big game?
If you want to pity anyone (besides me for sitting through this), pity the little girl who at one point is abandoned in a dark room with killer Jake. Only after the heroic couple vacate the premises do they decide they should probably try to retrieve the defenseless child. It is this kind of stupidity that takes the smallest amount of campy fun out of this effort. In the end, Jake is un-killable because he is on PCP- at least it wasn't because of something dumb. "Home Sweet Home" is one unwelcome guest, skip it. Also known as "Slasher in the House" and "Bloodparty."
Schizoid (1980)
Who is killing the women in Julie's (Marianna Hill) therapy group? Is it the creepy psychiatrist Pieter (Klaus Kinski)? His troubled daughter Alison (Donna Wilkes)? Julie's grinning ex-husband Doug (Craig Wasson)? What about Gilbert (a young Christopher Lloyd), the bitter handyman? Or even the even younger-looking detective Jake (Joe Regalbuto)?
Hill plays an advice columnist who is having more problems than a week's worth of Ann Landers letters. She is receiving death threats, and someone is killing the women in her group with a large pair of scissors. The killer, whom I figured out right away, wears a fedora and coat, a striking silhouette in the un-scary killing scenes. Julie is also messing around with the chain-smoking Pieter, resulting in a sex scene I could have gone all my life without seeing. Pieter is sleeping with a stripper/patient, and he, uh, "analyzes her feelings" against a hot water heater, resulting in another sex scene I could have gone my whole life without seeing. The finale takes place in Julie's newspaper office, as the film makers drag the proceedings out by assembling all of the suspects together, like an Agatha Christie novel, except with shootings and stabbings instead of a parlor full of upper class Brits and a brilliant detective.
Filmed and released in 1980, this has all the makings of a slasher film. The few killings here are not all that gory, but violent. The name cast try their best. Paulsen's direction is void of suspense as he hopes his mediocre script will carry the film. Instead, it becomes gimmicky and silly, but trudges along like this is Shakespeare. Between the awful synth score, the scissors have their own theme when they appear, and Kinski's overbaked performance, a viewer must take this with a grain of salt. I cannot recommend this.
Hill plays an advice columnist who is having more problems than a week's worth of Ann Landers letters. She is receiving death threats, and someone is killing the women in her group with a large pair of scissors. The killer, whom I figured out right away, wears a fedora and coat, a striking silhouette in the un-scary killing scenes. Julie is also messing around with the chain-smoking Pieter, resulting in a sex scene I could have gone all my life without seeing. Pieter is sleeping with a stripper/patient, and he, uh, "analyzes her feelings" against a hot water heater, resulting in another sex scene I could have gone my whole life without seeing. The finale takes place in Julie's newspaper office, as the film makers drag the proceedings out by assembling all of the suspects together, like an Agatha Christie novel, except with shootings and stabbings instead of a parlor full of upper class Brits and a brilliant detective.
Filmed and released in 1980, this has all the makings of a slasher film. The few killings here are not all that gory, but violent. The name cast try their best. Paulsen's direction is void of suspense as he hopes his mediocre script will carry the film. Instead, it becomes gimmicky and silly, but trudges along like this is Shakespeare. Between the awful synth score, the scissors have their own theme when they appear, and Kinski's overbaked performance, a viewer must take this with a grain of salt. I cannot recommend this.
Thursday, July 24, 2025
Racquet (1979)
You'd think a sex comedy centering around a tennis club would score a few laughs. You thought wrong.
Perennial game show host Bert Convy is good as Tommy, a former Wimbledon champion who now gives lessons to fat old ladies like Mrs. Kaufman (Dorothy Konrad). He gives Leslie (Edie Adams) her lessons in the sack, taking part in some embarrassing sexual fantasies. After being shown a house in Beverly Hills with a tennis court by horny realtor Miss Baxter (Susan Tyrrell), Tommy decides to open a tennis school so he can be his own boss. His current boss, Charlie (Bobby Riggs, who couldn't act his way out of a moist sweatband), is nice enough but Tommy wants to be in charge. Lots of different "screwball" incidents occur. Tommy is still in bed with Leslie when her husband (Phil Silvers) comes home. Tommy is robbed, runs from the cops, and has a run-in with a couple of drag queens before being rescued by Leslie's houseguest Melissa (Katherine Moffatt). She treats Tommy like meat, and insults Tommy's platonic roommate Bambi (Tanya Roberts). Old flame Monica (Lynda Day George) returns to town, and Tommy tries to woo her while sleeping with the older women for seed money for the school. Will he choose love over meaningless sex? Three guesses.
For all the females in this film, there is almost no nudity. Convy takes his shirt off more than anyone else. The screenwriters take Tommy from one goofy situation to another, but none of the laughs score, this is dumb stuff. Director Winters makes the best of his helicopter rental, as there are more flying shots here than in the invasion scene of "Apocalypse Now." Winters also likes musical montages, since he drags three of them out to pad the running time. Real life tennis pros Elie Nastase, Bjorn Borg, and the aforementioned Bobby Riggs appear. Nastase is lucky, he is in some tournament stock footage, but Riggs and Borg get lines. They should have stuck to the court.
Despite Convy's charisma, and the fact that this may be the only time you hear him swear onscreen, "Racquet" is one loser comedy.
Perennial game show host Bert Convy is good as Tommy, a former Wimbledon champion who now gives lessons to fat old ladies like Mrs. Kaufman (Dorothy Konrad). He gives Leslie (Edie Adams) her lessons in the sack, taking part in some embarrassing sexual fantasies. After being shown a house in Beverly Hills with a tennis court by horny realtor Miss Baxter (Susan Tyrrell), Tommy decides to open a tennis school so he can be his own boss. His current boss, Charlie (Bobby Riggs, who couldn't act his way out of a moist sweatband), is nice enough but Tommy wants to be in charge. Lots of different "screwball" incidents occur. Tommy is still in bed with Leslie when her husband (Phil Silvers) comes home. Tommy is robbed, runs from the cops, and has a run-in with a couple of drag queens before being rescued by Leslie's houseguest Melissa (Katherine Moffatt). She treats Tommy like meat, and insults Tommy's platonic roommate Bambi (Tanya Roberts). Old flame Monica (Lynda Day George) returns to town, and Tommy tries to woo her while sleeping with the older women for seed money for the school. Will he choose love over meaningless sex? Three guesses.
For all the females in this film, there is almost no nudity. Convy takes his shirt off more than anyone else. The screenwriters take Tommy from one goofy situation to another, but none of the laughs score, this is dumb stuff. Director Winters makes the best of his helicopter rental, as there are more flying shots here than in the invasion scene of "Apocalypse Now." Winters also likes musical montages, since he drags three of them out to pad the running time. Real life tennis pros Elie Nastase, Bjorn Borg, and the aforementioned Bobby Riggs appear. Nastase is lucky, he is in some tournament stock footage, but Riggs and Borg get lines. They should have stuck to the court.
Despite Convy's charisma, and the fact that this may be the only time you hear him swear onscreen, "Racquet" is one loser comedy.
Quintet (1979)
Ice. Snow. Constant wind. Young women carrying children are celebrated. Wild dogs roam the tundra, eating the constant supply of the dead. Everyone drinks, everyone is depressed, and everyone waits to die. This is the world of Robert Altman's film "Quintet," or as we call it in North Dakota in January- "Tuesday."
Essex (Paul Newman) and his pregnant girlfriend Vivia (Brigitte Fossey) arrive at a frozen city seeking Essex's brother, Francha (Tom Hill). In this futuristic ice age, the happy reunion is short-lived as Redstone (Craig Richard Nelson) bombs the family, killing everyone but the absent Essex. Essex chases Redstone, but St. Christopher (Vittorio Gassman) finds him first and kills him. Essex finds the body, steals his belongings, and assumes Redstone's identity. This also brings the only decently shot scene, as Essex saves Vivia's body from a pack of dogs by placing it in a running river. Essex enters the local Quintet tournament. Quintet is a game that looks like a combination of Backgammon and Yahtzee, yet more boring than either. The game's adjudicator, Grigor (Fernando Rey), knows Essex is an impostor, but allows him in anyway. Essex also meets Ambrosia (Bibi Andersson), and the two generate a spark since Essex's grieving process over losing Vivia and their unborn child lasted a week. Men dressed like a road company version of "The Private Life of Henry VIII" skulk around and wax idiotic on the meaning of life, and life as a game, and the game of life, and then off one another.
For a science fiction/action/mystery, you would be hard-pressed to find either genre done well. There is no basis in time for the story to take place. The characters use items in the future without explaining them to the audience, but the device does not work like it did in "Soylent Green." The action is minimal- two graphic, unconvincing throat-slittings, and a stilted chase on a glacier. There is no mystery, since everyone knows everyone else's hidden agendas. You do not have to be Hercule Poirot to figure out what is going on, but Altman treats his heavy story like it was brand new to all of us. Paul Newman is trapped in this film. He reads his lines fast, as if that would satisfy Altman's penchant for improvisation. There are scenes of dialogue where Newman listens or observes, and the dumbfounded look on his face says it all. Gassman and Rey look too much alike, I kept trying to keep them straight. Andersson plays the helpful love interest too sincerely, she is hiding something and it is just a matter of (a long) time before Essex catches on. The dialogue is stupid. The film tries hard to be deep and meaningful, and it is not. An English major could have a field day sorting through all the allegories, metaphors, similes, double meanings, and other hoo-haa, but these elements are surface and glib, they do not warrant rapt attention. The loud, funny, Tom Pierson musical score (dig that flute!) serves as a device to wake up a snoozing audience.
"Quintet" was filmed in Montreal, Canada. The barren location is the only thing right here. This is a boring, pretentious, directionless film. For the record, I fell asleep twice while watching this. Apocalypse Snore.
Essex (Paul Newman) and his pregnant girlfriend Vivia (Brigitte Fossey) arrive at a frozen city seeking Essex's brother, Francha (Tom Hill). In this futuristic ice age, the happy reunion is short-lived as Redstone (Craig Richard Nelson) bombs the family, killing everyone but the absent Essex. Essex chases Redstone, but St. Christopher (Vittorio Gassman) finds him first and kills him. Essex finds the body, steals his belongings, and assumes Redstone's identity. This also brings the only decently shot scene, as Essex saves Vivia's body from a pack of dogs by placing it in a running river. Essex enters the local Quintet tournament. Quintet is a game that looks like a combination of Backgammon and Yahtzee, yet more boring than either. The game's adjudicator, Grigor (Fernando Rey), knows Essex is an impostor, but allows him in anyway. Essex also meets Ambrosia (Bibi Andersson), and the two generate a spark since Essex's grieving process over losing Vivia and their unborn child lasted a week. Men dressed like a road company version of "The Private Life of Henry VIII" skulk around and wax idiotic on the meaning of life, and life as a game, and the game of life, and then off one another.
For a science fiction/action/mystery, you would be hard-pressed to find either genre done well. There is no basis in time for the story to take place. The characters use items in the future without explaining them to the audience, but the device does not work like it did in "Soylent Green." The action is minimal- two graphic, unconvincing throat-slittings, and a stilted chase on a glacier. There is no mystery, since everyone knows everyone else's hidden agendas. You do not have to be Hercule Poirot to figure out what is going on, but Altman treats his heavy story like it was brand new to all of us. Paul Newman is trapped in this film. He reads his lines fast, as if that would satisfy Altman's penchant for improvisation. There are scenes of dialogue where Newman listens or observes, and the dumbfounded look on his face says it all. Gassman and Rey look too much alike, I kept trying to keep them straight. Andersson plays the helpful love interest too sincerely, she is hiding something and it is just a matter of (a long) time before Essex catches on. The dialogue is stupid. The film tries hard to be deep and meaningful, and it is not. An English major could have a field day sorting through all the allegories, metaphors, similes, double meanings, and other hoo-haa, but these elements are surface and glib, they do not warrant rapt attention. The loud, funny, Tom Pierson musical score (dig that flute!) serves as a device to wake up a snoozing audience.
"Quintet" was filmed in Montreal, Canada. The barren location is the only thing right here. This is a boring, pretentious, directionless film. For the record, I fell asleep twice while watching this. Apocalypse Snore.
Rescue from Gilligan's Island (1978)
I admit it. When I was a kid, I thought the television series "Gilligan's Island" was a laugh riot. When this film, the first of three chronicling what happened to the castaways, came out in 1978, ten year old me was giddy with anticipation. Watching this, as a grown man, was one of the worst experiences of my life, little buddy.
You remember the show- seven people are stranded on an uncharted island after a storm wrecks their boat. You have Gilligan (Bob Denver), the lovable, bumbling klutz. His boss is the Skipper (Alan Hale, Jr.). The Howells (Jim Backus and Natalie Schafer) are richer than God. Ginger (Judith Baldwin, after original TV cast member Tina Louise said no) is a famous movie star. The Professor (Russell Johnson) kept the group alive with his weird inventions and expertise turning jungle items into food and shelter. Mary Ann (Dawn Wells) was the farm girl with a heart as big as the great outdoors.
When the film opens, the group has been stranded on the island for fifteen years. A Russian spy satellite has been destroyed in space, and a strange disc drops out of it right into the island's lagoon. The Professor figures out a way to turn the strange disc into a barometer, and forecasts a giant storm and tsunami will wipe out the island. The group lashes their huts together, the storm comes, and the Coast Guard finds the castaways and brings them to Hawaii, and they resettle back in the continental United States. The Skipper's insurance company won't pay for a second boat until he can collect everyone's signature on an affidavit saying the initial shipwreck was not his fault. Two Russian spies (Art LaFleur, Vincent Schiavelli) follow the Skipper and Gilligan as they visit their old friends. The spies need to get the disc back, and Gilligan is wearing it around his neck. The late 1970's is a scary place, as Gilligan and the Skipper find out, and none of the other castaways seem to be doing very well.
I know, I know. I'm not the audience for this gunk, I'm not a kid anymore, and the original show is an icon to sitcom lovers everywhere. I know all that. I also know that it took four people to write this, it runs a little over an hour and a half, and I did not laugh once. I smiled when the Howells would make a remark about being rich, but other than that, nothing. I didn't want a heavy drama about the castaways readjusting to life on their return, but wow, this is so badly written and shot. I won't go into how the cast or crew does, because it's all inept. Don't go into this expecting to feel a wave of nostalgia wash over you, I was distracted by the awful public domain picture and waves of nausea.
I found myself pondering the question asked by other children of the '70's and '80's, and unoriginal stand-up comedians everywhere: how did Gilligan survive for so long? How was he not strangled to death within a week of the shipwreck by the other cast members? Stage your own rescue- don't watch this. Followed by "The Castaways on Gilligan's Island" and "The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island," which sound terrible.
You remember the show- seven people are stranded on an uncharted island after a storm wrecks their boat. You have Gilligan (Bob Denver), the lovable, bumbling klutz. His boss is the Skipper (Alan Hale, Jr.). The Howells (Jim Backus and Natalie Schafer) are richer than God. Ginger (Judith Baldwin, after original TV cast member Tina Louise said no) is a famous movie star. The Professor (Russell Johnson) kept the group alive with his weird inventions and expertise turning jungle items into food and shelter. Mary Ann (Dawn Wells) was the farm girl with a heart as big as the great outdoors.
When the film opens, the group has been stranded on the island for fifteen years. A Russian spy satellite has been destroyed in space, and a strange disc drops out of it right into the island's lagoon. The Professor figures out a way to turn the strange disc into a barometer, and forecasts a giant storm and tsunami will wipe out the island. The group lashes their huts together, the storm comes, and the Coast Guard finds the castaways and brings them to Hawaii, and they resettle back in the continental United States. The Skipper's insurance company won't pay for a second boat until he can collect everyone's signature on an affidavit saying the initial shipwreck was not his fault. Two Russian spies (Art LaFleur, Vincent Schiavelli) follow the Skipper and Gilligan as they visit their old friends. The spies need to get the disc back, and Gilligan is wearing it around his neck. The late 1970's is a scary place, as Gilligan and the Skipper find out, and none of the other castaways seem to be doing very well.
I know, I know. I'm not the audience for this gunk, I'm not a kid anymore, and the original show is an icon to sitcom lovers everywhere. I know all that. I also know that it took four people to write this, it runs a little over an hour and a half, and I did not laugh once. I smiled when the Howells would make a remark about being rich, but other than that, nothing. I didn't want a heavy drama about the castaways readjusting to life on their return, but wow, this is so badly written and shot. I won't go into how the cast or crew does, because it's all inept. Don't go into this expecting to feel a wave of nostalgia wash over you, I was distracted by the awful public domain picture and waves of nausea.
I found myself pondering the question asked by other children of the '70's and '80's, and unoriginal stand-up comedians everywhere: how did Gilligan survive for so long? How was he not strangled to death within a week of the shipwreck by the other cast members? Stage your own rescue- don't watch this. Followed by "The Castaways on Gilligan's Island" and "The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island," which sound terrible.
Spider-Man: The Dragon's Challenge (1979)
Peter Parker (Nicholas Hammond) is an earnest photographer for editor J. Jonah Jameson (Robert F. Simon). The plot is way too complicated for a two-part episode of a network television series: Min Lo Chan (Benson Fong) arrives in New York City from Hong Kong. He is to become a minister in the Chinese government, and villain Zeider (Richard Erdman) wants him dead so he could get a steel mill contract. Min, on the other hand, is up on charges of selling Chinese military secrets to some U.S. Marines in WWII. Min wants to clear his name, and needs to find the three Marines in order to have them tell their side of the story. Min is good friends with Jameson, so he goes to the cranky editor for help. Min drags his poor niece Emily (Rosalind Chao) along as Parker and Min hunt for the Marines, and Spider-Man conveniently pops up to save the day. The last half of the film is shot on location in Hong Kong, as we Americans offend the Far East with cheesy action sequences.
I really tried to get into this. Ted Danson pops up in one scene, as the most unconvincing Marine Corps officer ever filmed. I thought it was funny that the first episode- I mean, the first half of the film- took place in New York City, film makers obviously shot some of this in Southern California. Hammond is good as Parker, but the costumed Spider-Man is awful. However, this bored me. No one could figure out Parker is Spider-Man, until one scene where Emily unmasks him (after he gets hurt AGAIN), and that scene is glossed over. The film makers try to take advantage of Hong Kong locales, but the story is convoluted and lame, it is a shame they went through the money and effort. The direction is standard. The script is jumpy because it is two hour-long episodes edited together. When Spider-Man climbs a building, you can see rope and machines pulling him up. Spidey gets shot, twice!, but in each arm. The whole thing is laughable- Parker goes "undercover" by disguising himself as a Chinese stereotype, right down to dark pajamas and a straw hat.
This might find new life thanks to all the "Spider-Man" films constantly coming out, but do yourself a favor and go to the theater instead. Also known as "The Amazing Spider-Man"'s episode's title, "The Chinese Web."
I really tried to get into this. Ted Danson pops up in one scene, as the most unconvincing Marine Corps officer ever filmed. I thought it was funny that the first episode- I mean, the first half of the film- took place in New York City, film makers obviously shot some of this in Southern California. Hammond is good as Parker, but the costumed Spider-Man is awful. However, this bored me. No one could figure out Parker is Spider-Man, until one scene where Emily unmasks him (after he gets hurt AGAIN), and that scene is glossed over. The film makers try to take advantage of Hong Kong locales, but the story is convoluted and lame, it is a shame they went through the money and effort. The direction is standard. The script is jumpy because it is two hour-long episodes edited together. When Spider-Man climbs a building, you can see rope and machines pulling him up. Spidey gets shot, twice!, but in each arm. The whole thing is laughable- Parker goes "undercover" by disguising himself as a Chinese stereotype, right down to dark pajamas and a straw hat.
This might find new life thanks to all the "Spider-Man" films constantly coming out, but do yourself a favor and go to the theater instead. Also known as "The Amazing Spider-Man"'s episode's title, "The Chinese Web."
Wednesday, July 23, 2025
She Came to the Valley (1979)
Two Academy Award nominees, an Emmy nominee, and a Grammy Award winning singer get mired in a horrible western that is a chore to endure.
Willy (Ronee Blakley) and Pat (Dean Stockwell) move to the scrub country of Texas. Pat was hurt when a box fell on him, so Willy finds herself doing most of the work around their isolated ranch. Up rides Bill (Scott Glenn) for no other reason than to move the story along by suggesting the family move closer to the Rio Grande river. The couple and their two young daughters do so, settling in the new town of Mission. Willy follows through with her dream of owning a store while racist Pat drinks. The Texans worry about Pancho Villa (Freddy Fender?) looting the hamlet, and one night Mission is raided. It turns out Bill has been running guns for Villa when he's not making googly eyes at Willy. The Mexican Army has been putting on peasant clothing and pretending to be Villa's men, then raiding the American side of the border. Bill's captured, and Villa rides to rescue him, but only after Willy shames him into doing so.
This is another film in the public domain so the print is awful but the story is also unwatchable. Stockwell tries to perform, and Blakley spends her screen time staring off into space. The screenplay is full of "dramatic" moments that had me giggling- Pat's smashing of his leg brace against a wagon wheel, a rabid coyote attacks one of the daughters, and most of the supporting cast telling Willy what a wonderful person she is. Pat dies...no, not a spoiler, this happens at the beginning of the film, but the way he dies is hilarious. I began talking to the screen, MST3K-style, as the story wore on and on, and nothing happened. Director/co-writer Band did not seem to have any sort of plan when it came to shooting this film. You could hum along with poor Fender as he is forced to sing the awkward title song, or feel embarrassed for the actors as they step on each other's lines and wait for Band to yell "cut."
"She Came to the Valley," also known as "She Came FROM the Valley" (whut?) and "Texas in Flames," is the worst western I have seen since "Apache Blood" and "Texas Rangers." The onscreen talent never had a chance.
Willy (Ronee Blakley) and Pat (Dean Stockwell) move to the scrub country of Texas. Pat was hurt when a box fell on him, so Willy finds herself doing most of the work around their isolated ranch. Up rides Bill (Scott Glenn) for no other reason than to move the story along by suggesting the family move closer to the Rio Grande river. The couple and their two young daughters do so, settling in the new town of Mission. Willy follows through with her dream of owning a store while racist Pat drinks. The Texans worry about Pancho Villa (Freddy Fender?) looting the hamlet, and one night Mission is raided. It turns out Bill has been running guns for Villa when he's not making googly eyes at Willy. The Mexican Army has been putting on peasant clothing and pretending to be Villa's men, then raiding the American side of the border. Bill's captured, and Villa rides to rescue him, but only after Willy shames him into doing so.
This is another film in the public domain so the print is awful but the story is also unwatchable. Stockwell tries to perform, and Blakley spends her screen time staring off into space. The screenplay is full of "dramatic" moments that had me giggling- Pat's smashing of his leg brace against a wagon wheel, a rabid coyote attacks one of the daughters, and most of the supporting cast telling Willy what a wonderful person she is. Pat dies...no, not a spoiler, this happens at the beginning of the film, but the way he dies is hilarious. I began talking to the screen, MST3K-style, as the story wore on and on, and nothing happened. Director/co-writer Band did not seem to have any sort of plan when it came to shooting this film. You could hum along with poor Fender as he is forced to sing the awkward title song, or feel embarrassed for the actors as they step on each other's lines and wait for Band to yell "cut."
"She Came to the Valley," also known as "She Came FROM the Valley" (whut?) and "Texas in Flames," is the worst western I have seen since "Apache Blood" and "Texas Rangers." The onscreen talent never had a chance.
Tuesday, July 22, 2025
Season for Assassins (1975)
Joe Dallesandro and his gang of annoying juvenile delinquents take on police commissioner Cutroni (Martin Balsam) and his understaffed police force. Bored, yet?
Pierro (Joe Dallesandro) is a real sociopath. He has a former hooker wife and a sick baby at home, but he is always hanging out with his gang of ne'er-do-wells. The gang participates in random acts of violence, and the occasional small-time burglary for the local crime lord. Sure, we all want something out of life, and Pierro has dreams. Giant, illegal dreams. He wants to score a big-time burglary for the local crime lord. The police commissioner's (Martin Balsam) hands are tied when it comes to the gang, he seems to find an excuse to let a gang member go on the flimsiest of technicalities. There are two people trying to change Pierro for the better. Father Eugenio (Rossano Brazzi) takes care of Pierro's father in an asylum, and admonishes the vile gang of hoodlums with stern looks, quick forgiveness, and rousing games of checkers. Shy virgin Sandra (Cinzia Mambretti) is intrigued by Pierro, and falls in love with him. The gang's rather clever burgling of an apartment gets them a job robbing a jewelry store owner. The police are there, tipped off, and one gang member is shot. The rest of the gang escapes, since the film makes it obvious that the Italian police are the world's worst pursuers. Pierro's life begins to unravel when Father Eugenio is attacked by the gang, Pierro's wife starts selling herself on the street corner again, Sandra is pregos, and Pierro decides to kill whomever squealed info to the police, all while Cutroni sulks in his office and yells at underlings.
I am no lawyer, or cop, but I would imagine the Rome police are more equipped at handling crime than this film would have you believe. The gang assaults, rapes, kills, and pees in public, but the only time the police show up involves cop cars careening down embankments, smashing into parked vehicles, and radioing HQ that "we lost them." Is Pierro our hero? The majority of the film dwells on his degenerate life, making me wonder why the screenwriters found him so fascinating. Balsam's Cutroni is a frustration. We don't want a dirty cop fabricating evidence to hold a suspected criminal, but Cutroni plays catch-and-release so often you would expect fishing licenses to be involved. The action scenes are grinding, no one has filmed a really good chase scene involving tiny, harmless European cars except for the makers of "The Italian Job." The film was shot in Italian and dubbed into English, which explains many a failed scene due to bad translation- the HAM radio scene with French language and Italian subtitles- and the nonsensical English name of the film (what assassins?).
There is a season, turn, turn, turn it off. Also known as "Il Tempo Degli Assassini."
Pierro (Joe Dallesandro) is a real sociopath. He has a former hooker wife and a sick baby at home, but he is always hanging out with his gang of ne'er-do-wells. The gang participates in random acts of violence, and the occasional small-time burglary for the local crime lord. Sure, we all want something out of life, and Pierro has dreams. Giant, illegal dreams. He wants to score a big-time burglary for the local crime lord. The police commissioner's (Martin Balsam) hands are tied when it comes to the gang, he seems to find an excuse to let a gang member go on the flimsiest of technicalities. There are two people trying to change Pierro for the better. Father Eugenio (Rossano Brazzi) takes care of Pierro's father in an asylum, and admonishes the vile gang of hoodlums with stern looks, quick forgiveness, and rousing games of checkers. Shy virgin Sandra (Cinzia Mambretti) is intrigued by Pierro, and falls in love with him. The gang's rather clever burgling of an apartment gets them a job robbing a jewelry store owner. The police are there, tipped off, and one gang member is shot. The rest of the gang escapes, since the film makes it obvious that the Italian police are the world's worst pursuers. Pierro's life begins to unravel when Father Eugenio is attacked by the gang, Pierro's wife starts selling herself on the street corner again, Sandra is pregos, and Pierro decides to kill whomever squealed info to the police, all while Cutroni sulks in his office and yells at underlings.
I am no lawyer, or cop, but I would imagine the Rome police are more equipped at handling crime than this film would have you believe. The gang assaults, rapes, kills, and pees in public, but the only time the police show up involves cop cars careening down embankments, smashing into parked vehicles, and radioing HQ that "we lost them." Is Pierro our hero? The majority of the film dwells on his degenerate life, making me wonder why the screenwriters found him so fascinating. Balsam's Cutroni is a frustration. We don't want a dirty cop fabricating evidence to hold a suspected criminal, but Cutroni plays catch-and-release so often you would expect fishing licenses to be involved. The action scenes are grinding, no one has filmed a really good chase scene involving tiny, harmless European cars except for the makers of "The Italian Job." The film was shot in Italian and dubbed into English, which explains many a failed scene due to bad translation- the HAM radio scene with French language and Italian subtitles- and the nonsensical English name of the film (what assassins?).
There is a season, turn, turn, turn it off. Also known as "Il Tempo Degli Assassini."
Simon, King of the Witches (1971)
Andrew Prine, who has been pretty good in everything he has ever done except this, plays Simon, a man who practices witchcraft from his home in a storm drain.
He meets Turk (George Paulsin) in jail, and Turk introduces Simon to Hercules (Herbert Winters as Gerald York), a local money man who has powerful friends and makes things happen. Simon also meets Linda (Brenda Scott), the district attorney's stoned daughter. Simon is bilked out of some money by a skeptical client, and kills him with a curse. Now, everyone wants Simon's services. Simon has big plans of his own- he wants to join the other gods he worships, and help rule the world. Those plans go awry, and Simon takes revenge on the city, and those around him.
This came out in 1971, and features every reason people roll their eyes when others wax nostalgic about 1970's hippie culture. Director Kessler pulls all the psychedelic stops here, the climax looks like rejected scenes from "2001: A Space Odyssey." The cast throws around terms like "cat," "groovy," "far out," "weed," and "pad." The wardrobe is hallucinogenic, with the designs assaulting your senses. One character's bisexuality is treated with reverence, as if an important social point was being made. Linda is stoned all the time, which makes her the character you care the least about. Simon's incantations are ludicrous and funny. Most of his "witchcraft" consists of waving a dagger in the air and reciting "electric, magnetic" repeatedly- watch for the scene where he has a one-sided conversation with a large tree. This film tries to be serious, almost like a docudrama, but fails. It is funny, without meaning to be. "Simon, King of the Witches" is smoke and mirrors.
He meets Turk (George Paulsin) in jail, and Turk introduces Simon to Hercules (Herbert Winters as Gerald York), a local money man who has powerful friends and makes things happen. Simon also meets Linda (Brenda Scott), the district attorney's stoned daughter. Simon is bilked out of some money by a skeptical client, and kills him with a curse. Now, everyone wants Simon's services. Simon has big plans of his own- he wants to join the other gods he worships, and help rule the world. Those plans go awry, and Simon takes revenge on the city, and those around him.
This came out in 1971, and features every reason people roll their eyes when others wax nostalgic about 1970's hippie culture. Director Kessler pulls all the psychedelic stops here, the climax looks like rejected scenes from "2001: A Space Odyssey." The cast throws around terms like "cat," "groovy," "far out," "weed," and "pad." The wardrobe is hallucinogenic, with the designs assaulting your senses. One character's bisexuality is treated with reverence, as if an important social point was being made. Linda is stoned all the time, which makes her the character you care the least about. Simon's incantations are ludicrous and funny. Most of his "witchcraft" consists of waving a dagger in the air and reciting "electric, magnetic" repeatedly- watch for the scene where he has a one-sided conversation with a large tree. This film tries to be serious, almost like a docudrama, but fails. It is funny, without meaning to be. "Simon, King of the Witches" is smoke and mirrors.
The Raven (1963)
Hi, welcome to one of the few negative reviews of this film. There is a fine line between cheesy, campy, crappy horror film, and funny horror film. This falls into the former category.
The plot concerns three sorcerers who try to outdo each other after they visit the gothic castle home of one. The plot gives way to humor that makes Adam Sandler at his worst look like Oscar Wilde. So many people find this stuff hilarious, but the lack of laughs makes this painful to watch. Corman did one masterpiece film, "Frankenstein Unbound," but his penchant for no budget and little thought to scripts have resulted in films on the level of Ed Wood. No one dares speak of this, however, because Corman is revered for giving up-and-comers their starts and always making a dime. Anyone can make a dime off a celluloid pile that costs a nickel.
"The Raven" features Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, and Peter Lorre, and they are all terrible. They mug for the camera, and do not deliver one laugh. Jack Nicholson, young and fit, shows up in time to give no proof he would ever win Oscars. Corman's direction is standard, and Richard Matheson's screenplay seems like it was composed as the film progressed. Watch this again? Nevermore.
The plot concerns three sorcerers who try to outdo each other after they visit the gothic castle home of one. The plot gives way to humor that makes Adam Sandler at his worst look like Oscar Wilde. So many people find this stuff hilarious, but the lack of laughs makes this painful to watch. Corman did one masterpiece film, "Frankenstein Unbound," but his penchant for no budget and little thought to scripts have resulted in films on the level of Ed Wood. No one dares speak of this, however, because Corman is revered for giving up-and-comers their starts and always making a dime. Anyone can make a dime off a celluloid pile that costs a nickel.
"The Raven" features Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, and Peter Lorre, and they are all terrible. They mug for the camera, and do not deliver one laugh. Jack Nicholson, young and fit, shows up in time to give no proof he would ever win Oscars. Corman's direction is standard, and Richard Matheson's screenplay seems like it was composed as the film progressed. Watch this again? Nevermore.
Monday, July 21, 2025
The Litch (2018)
I get the feeling the term "hot mess" was invented to describe this film, or something.
James Balsamo is Vinnie, a small-time hood who accidentally unleashes the demon Litch (Dave Stein) after stealing an ancient crystal from a crystals store, or something. The Litch chases and kills Vinnie's friends and family as it tries to reclaim the crystal, or something. Vinnie teams up with a former girlfriend (Terra Strong) to defeat the demon, or something. This film is really something.
I'm not going to lie, I bought this DVD-R because of Cayt Feinics, who has a lovely scene that lasts less than twenty seconds. That's more running time than top-billed Tom Sizemore, who I'm not sure knew he was being filmed for his role. Elizabeth Daily has a humorous cameo as some kind of psychic. The nudity is plentiful here, which did make me see it through until the end. Balsamo's slacker reactions to all the gross carnage was amusing here and there. Otherwise, this is a nightmare. The sound is atrocious, with Vinnie's voiceover barely understandable. Balsamo has a giant cast, but no story, trying to fashion a linear arc with his narration, and failing miserably. I gave up trying to figure out what was going on, and waited for the next bare breast. The gore effects are so silly they are rendered harmless, and be warned that the Litch is a "funny" character, letting loose with eye-rolling puns and jokes.
I wasn't expecting "The Exorcist" or anything, but "The Litch" is a failure. The running time is a way too long ninety minutes, and I only enjoyed about one minute of that.
James Balsamo is Vinnie, a small-time hood who accidentally unleashes the demon Litch (Dave Stein) after stealing an ancient crystal from a crystals store, or something. The Litch chases and kills Vinnie's friends and family as it tries to reclaim the crystal, or something. Vinnie teams up with a former girlfriend (Terra Strong) to defeat the demon, or something. This film is really something.
I'm not going to lie, I bought this DVD-R because of Cayt Feinics, who has a lovely scene that lasts less than twenty seconds. That's more running time than top-billed Tom Sizemore, who I'm not sure knew he was being filmed for his role. Elizabeth Daily has a humorous cameo as some kind of psychic. The nudity is plentiful here, which did make me see it through until the end. Balsamo's slacker reactions to all the gross carnage was amusing here and there. Otherwise, this is a nightmare. The sound is atrocious, with Vinnie's voiceover barely understandable. Balsamo has a giant cast, but no story, trying to fashion a linear arc with his narration, and failing miserably. I gave up trying to figure out what was going on, and waited for the next bare breast. The gore effects are so silly they are rendered harmless, and be warned that the Litch is a "funny" character, letting loose with eye-rolling puns and jokes.
I wasn't expecting "The Exorcist" or anything, but "The Litch" is a failure. The running time is a way too long ninety minutes, and I only enjoyed about one minute of that.
Retrograde (2004)
I'm not sure a lead actor has ever appeared so bored onscreen.
In 2204, a plague has wiped out most of the planet's population. Foster (Dolph Lundgren) and his motley spaceship crew go back in time two hundred years to stop the plague. The disease came to Earth on a meteor that crashed in Antarctica, and it was being investigated by an ice cutter's crew, who brought it back to civilization (I think). Foster and the gang arrive in 2004, when Dalton (Joe Montana, not the football player) decides to take over the spaceship for vague reasons. The spaceship crash lands on the snowy tundra, and the ice cutter heads in the direction of the explosion. The ice cutter Nathaniel Parker has many expendable characters on it, including the captain (Ken Samuels), serious astrobiologist Renee (Silvia De Santis), pothead and lame comedy relief Mack (Jamie Treacher), and jerk Schrader (Joey Sagal), who reminds everyone he has hired the ship to prove that humanity originated in outer space- we never find out how a trip to Antarctica was going to prove his theory. The plague, which resembles grape jelly and can be passed by touch, begins infecting both the time travelers and the ice cutter's crew. It has differing gestation times depending on how important the character is to the plot, and eventually Foster and Dalton shoot it out on some cheap sets.
Thinking of Lundgren, with his Denis Leary haircut and Jurgen Prochnow cheeks, I am drowsy. My heavy lids and yawning are mirroring what I viewed. Lundgren is bored here. There is no other explanation for his half-hearted acting, fighting, and screen presence. Normally, he has some gravitas, but here he goes through the motions just enough not to get fired from the picture. The film was shot in Luxembourg and Italy, which make lousy substitutions for the South Pole. The computer generated effects are cheesy. The cast flounders under the terrible script. There is too much footage of people leaving the ice cutter to visit the spaceship crash site, and then walking back to either alert others, or send more people out to visit the spaceship crash site. Specifics are not found and plot points are not followed as we wonder about Renee and Foster's connection, Dalton's post-mutiny plans, and the fact that everyone who shoots at Lundgren is a lousy shot. In 2204, motorcycle racing attire is the fashion rage, and I was curious as to where Foster got his blonde highlights in the futuristic wasteland. Director Kulikowski tries, but the film starts abruptly, and then pulls the viewer along from one badly choreographed fight scene to another. Lundgren sleeps on his feet, the supporting cast looks completely lost- yelling their lines as if that might help the pacing, and as characters begin dying of the plague or stabbings and shootings, the film and Foster don't seem to care. I, too, didn't care about the proceedings.
"Retrograde" isn't even bad-movie fun, but it is a learning opportunity. It shows the lengths one actor will go to in order to cash a paycheck. Thanks for the lesson, Dolph, you can go back to sleep now.
In 2204, a plague has wiped out most of the planet's population. Foster (Dolph Lundgren) and his motley spaceship crew go back in time two hundred years to stop the plague. The disease came to Earth on a meteor that crashed in Antarctica, and it was being investigated by an ice cutter's crew, who brought it back to civilization (I think). Foster and the gang arrive in 2004, when Dalton (Joe Montana, not the football player) decides to take over the spaceship for vague reasons. The spaceship crash lands on the snowy tundra, and the ice cutter heads in the direction of the explosion. The ice cutter Nathaniel Parker has many expendable characters on it, including the captain (Ken Samuels), serious astrobiologist Renee (Silvia De Santis), pothead and lame comedy relief Mack (Jamie Treacher), and jerk Schrader (Joey Sagal), who reminds everyone he has hired the ship to prove that humanity originated in outer space- we never find out how a trip to Antarctica was going to prove his theory. The plague, which resembles grape jelly and can be passed by touch, begins infecting both the time travelers and the ice cutter's crew. It has differing gestation times depending on how important the character is to the plot, and eventually Foster and Dalton shoot it out on some cheap sets.
Thinking of Lundgren, with his Denis Leary haircut and Jurgen Prochnow cheeks, I am drowsy. My heavy lids and yawning are mirroring what I viewed. Lundgren is bored here. There is no other explanation for his half-hearted acting, fighting, and screen presence. Normally, he has some gravitas, but here he goes through the motions just enough not to get fired from the picture. The film was shot in Luxembourg and Italy, which make lousy substitutions for the South Pole. The computer generated effects are cheesy. The cast flounders under the terrible script. There is too much footage of people leaving the ice cutter to visit the spaceship crash site, and then walking back to either alert others, or send more people out to visit the spaceship crash site. Specifics are not found and plot points are not followed as we wonder about Renee and Foster's connection, Dalton's post-mutiny plans, and the fact that everyone who shoots at Lundgren is a lousy shot. In 2204, motorcycle racing attire is the fashion rage, and I was curious as to where Foster got his blonde highlights in the futuristic wasteland. Director Kulikowski tries, but the film starts abruptly, and then pulls the viewer along from one badly choreographed fight scene to another. Lundgren sleeps on his feet, the supporting cast looks completely lost- yelling their lines as if that might help the pacing, and as characters begin dying of the plague or stabbings and shootings, the film and Foster don't seem to care. I, too, didn't care about the proceedings.
"Retrograde" isn't even bad-movie fun, but it is a learning opportunity. It shows the lengths one actor will go to in order to cash a paycheck. Thanks for the lesson, Dolph, you can go back to sleep now.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015)
I like Kevin James. I watched every episode of "The King of Queens," and his special "Kevin James: Sweat the Small Stuff" is one of my favorite stand-up comedy concerts of all-time. He's a big guy with a flawless delivery, and he can be very funny. He can also be very unfunny.
Paul Blart (Kevin James) is a mall cop living in New Jersey with his daughter Maya (Raini Rodriguez). His wife (Jayma Mays, with a few seconds of screen time) from the first film has left him after six days of marriage, and his mother (Shirley Knight, also with a few seconds of screen time) is killed by a milk truck, so he is feeling pretty low. Maya has been accepted to UCLA, and finds out on the same day that Paul is invited to a security officer convention at the Wynn Resort in Las Vegas. He is still basking in the glory of his exploits in the first film, and he and Maya head west. Maya is smitten right away with resort employee Lane (David Henrie, given nothing to do), and Paul deals with a supporting cast of freakish security officers from around the country, as well as a team of art thieves led by Sofel (Neal McDonough, slumming and wasted). This sets up a long, dry series of pratfalls and lame action sequences as Paul battles the baddies after Maya and Lane are kidnapped.
As they did in the first film, James co-wrote the screenplay with comedian Nick Bakay, so the laughs should be here. It's weird that James doesn't seem to have a handle on his own creation. Is Paul a stupid oaf, or a genius detective trying to break out of his boring job? Here, we get both characteristics. His arrival in Vegas and dealings with the casino staff is supposed to be fish-out-of-water funny, but fall flat because James plays Paul as a sociopathic jerk. I could not stand this guy. The only scenes I smiled at were when hotel manager Divina (Daniella Alonso) kept finding herself attracted to Paul, and even that running gag didn't get going until after their first awkward encounter; and Muhrtelle (Bob Clendenin), the casino employee with the banana. The film is rated (PG) and family friendly, so the violence here are guns with silencers that never hit their target, and Paul falling down a lot. A supporting roster of familiar faces and character actors- look at that cast list!- stand around and watch Paul fall down a lot. Paul falling down a lot isn't that funny. The Wynn Resort is nice to look at and makes for a great action film setting, but this is not that action film. I don't see another "Paul Blart" film on the horizon, this one did poorly at the box office, but since it was released six years after the mediocre first film, you never know.
Paul Blart (Kevin James) is a mall cop living in New Jersey with his daughter Maya (Raini Rodriguez). His wife (Jayma Mays, with a few seconds of screen time) from the first film has left him after six days of marriage, and his mother (Shirley Knight, also with a few seconds of screen time) is killed by a milk truck, so he is feeling pretty low. Maya has been accepted to UCLA, and finds out on the same day that Paul is invited to a security officer convention at the Wynn Resort in Las Vegas. He is still basking in the glory of his exploits in the first film, and he and Maya head west. Maya is smitten right away with resort employee Lane (David Henrie, given nothing to do), and Paul deals with a supporting cast of freakish security officers from around the country, as well as a team of art thieves led by Sofel (Neal McDonough, slumming and wasted). This sets up a long, dry series of pratfalls and lame action sequences as Paul battles the baddies after Maya and Lane are kidnapped.
As they did in the first film, James co-wrote the screenplay with comedian Nick Bakay, so the laughs should be here. It's weird that James doesn't seem to have a handle on his own creation. Is Paul a stupid oaf, or a genius detective trying to break out of his boring job? Here, we get both characteristics. His arrival in Vegas and dealings with the casino staff is supposed to be fish-out-of-water funny, but fall flat because James plays Paul as a sociopathic jerk. I could not stand this guy. The only scenes I smiled at were when hotel manager Divina (Daniella Alonso) kept finding herself attracted to Paul, and even that running gag didn't get going until after their first awkward encounter; and Muhrtelle (Bob Clendenin), the casino employee with the banana. The film is rated (PG) and family friendly, so the violence here are guns with silencers that never hit their target, and Paul falling down a lot. A supporting roster of familiar faces and character actors- look at that cast list!- stand around and watch Paul fall down a lot. Paul falling down a lot isn't that funny. The Wynn Resort is nice to look at and makes for a great action film setting, but this is not that action film. I don't see another "Paul Blart" film on the horizon, this one did poorly at the box office, but since it was released six years after the mediocre first film, you never know.
Saturday, July 19, 2025
"Monster in My Family" {"John Wayne Gacy" Episode #1.6} (2015)
There's an interesting premise behind this show- the relative of a renowned killer meets with the family of one of their victims, mediated by Melissa G. Moore, the daughter of a serial killer. This could have gone wrong in so many ways.
The basics of the John Wayne Gacy case and capture are trotted out again, but this time Gacy's sister Karen Kuzma and her daughter Sheri Hockenberry are meeting Patti Szyc Rich, sister to victim John Szyc. Kuzma's memories of her brother, and the aftermath of his killings, takes up the majority of the time in the episode, culminating in the emotional meeting.
I am thankful that the show runners brought Moore aboard, and didn't turn this into a Jerry Springer-style nightmare of screaming and fisticuffs (at least from this lone episode). Kuzma is a damaged woman, and she is obviously as much a victim as other survivors of her brother's terror. We don't get as much time with Patti Rich, I would have liked to see more about her brother, even if it was boring minutiae. We're so used to hearing the story of the killer, I wish someone would do mini-biographies of any of these victims, and let us get to know these young boys and men.
This episode of "Monster in My Family" still presents some new information, and Rich, Kuzma, and Hockenberry display a strength that I don't know if I would have in the same situation. Also subtitled "Killer Clown: John Wayne Gacy" and "John Wayne Gacy, Jr.", and I've seen this numbered as Episode #5 of the first season.
The basics of the John Wayne Gacy case and capture are trotted out again, but this time Gacy's sister Karen Kuzma and her daughter Sheri Hockenberry are meeting Patti Szyc Rich, sister to victim John Szyc. Kuzma's memories of her brother, and the aftermath of his killings, takes up the majority of the time in the episode, culminating in the emotional meeting.
I am thankful that the show runners brought Moore aboard, and didn't turn this into a Jerry Springer-style nightmare of screaming and fisticuffs (at least from this lone episode). Kuzma is a damaged woman, and she is obviously as much a victim as other survivors of her brother's terror. We don't get as much time with Patti Rich, I would have liked to see more about her brother, even if it was boring minutiae. We're so used to hearing the story of the killer, I wish someone would do mini-biographies of any of these victims, and let us get to know these young boys and men.
This episode of "Monster in My Family" still presents some new information, and Rich, Kuzma, and Hockenberry display a strength that I don't know if I would have in the same situation. Also subtitled "Killer Clown: John Wayne Gacy" and "John Wayne Gacy, Jr.", and I've seen this numbered as Episode #5 of the first season.
"Making a Monster" {"Rose West" Episode #1.1} (2020)
Concentrating more on United Kingdom serial killer Rose West instead of her husband Fred West, this documentary episode is full of information and salaciousness.
The series covers infamous killers from a more cerebral angle, looking into their upbringing since serial killers aren't just born. Rosemary Pauline Letts was the fifth of seven children. Her father was a paranoid schizophrenic who had sexual relations with his daughters, and she in turn molested her younger brothers. She took this hyper-sexualization to her new home after she met and married Fred West, and her first murder was Fred's daughter by another woman. The couple would go on to kill at least twelve people combined, including another daughter, as Rose was willingly prostituted out. Something I did not know is that some of the Wests' children were fathered by the johns who the killer couple would entertain. The house became a home of depravity, anonymously sitting in the middle of Cromwell Street. It wasn't until suspicions were raised with the disappearance of their oldest daughter that the Wests would finally be caught. Fred committed suicide in 1995, and Rose was sentenced to prison for life without parole.
I've always been interested in the childhood and upbringings of these serial killers because of the fact that "born to kill" is a rare phenomenon. Reading about the childhoods and parents of today's infamous murderers confirms that they weren't born, but made, with some of these parents doing things that are almost as bad as the murders the adult children would later commit. The reenactment scenes are dark and scary, and while listening to Rose's story, you can see why the fates of their victims were sealed as soon as she met the equally disturbed Fred West. Imagining what their large brood of children went through while in the house is horrifying to think about, witnessing the degradation and killings of their own siblings. I would be very interested to see if any of the johns' children ever found out who their biological father was, and how that man feels about what he knowingly or unknowlingly created. As time goes on, we may not find out. While the professional mental health personnel add gravitas, some of director Howard's shots and writing border on the sleazy. The truth is ugly enough without some of the scenes- including a very fake looking beating.
Also subtitled "Matriarch of Cromwell Street," this episode dares to discuss the guilt of Rose West's upbringing (was she controlling Fred all along?). It's not a "fun" watch, but an informative one.
The series covers infamous killers from a more cerebral angle, looking into their upbringing since serial killers aren't just born. Rosemary Pauline Letts was the fifth of seven children. Her father was a paranoid schizophrenic who had sexual relations with his daughters, and she in turn molested her younger brothers. She took this hyper-sexualization to her new home after she met and married Fred West, and her first murder was Fred's daughter by another woman. The couple would go on to kill at least twelve people combined, including another daughter, as Rose was willingly prostituted out. Something I did not know is that some of the Wests' children were fathered by the johns who the killer couple would entertain. The house became a home of depravity, anonymously sitting in the middle of Cromwell Street. It wasn't until suspicions were raised with the disappearance of their oldest daughter that the Wests would finally be caught. Fred committed suicide in 1995, and Rose was sentenced to prison for life without parole.
I've always been interested in the childhood and upbringings of these serial killers because of the fact that "born to kill" is a rare phenomenon. Reading about the childhoods and parents of today's infamous murderers confirms that they weren't born, but made, with some of these parents doing things that are almost as bad as the murders the adult children would later commit. The reenactment scenes are dark and scary, and while listening to Rose's story, you can see why the fates of their victims were sealed as soon as she met the equally disturbed Fred West. Imagining what their large brood of children went through while in the house is horrifying to think about, witnessing the degradation and killings of their own siblings. I would be very interested to see if any of the johns' children ever found out who their biological father was, and how that man feels about what he knowingly or unknowlingly created. As time goes on, we may not find out. While the professional mental health personnel add gravitas, some of director Howard's shots and writing border on the sleazy. The truth is ugly enough without some of the scenes- including a very fake looking beating.
Also subtitled "Matriarch of Cromwell Street," this episode dares to discuss the guilt of Rose West's upbringing (was she controlling Fred all along?). It's not a "fun" watch, but an informative one.
The Soham Murders (2023)
This lacking documentary only seems to engage in the final few minutes of the film.
On August 4, 2002, two ten-year-old friends, Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman, went missing from the small village of Soham in England. Their bodies were found almost two weeks later near RAF Lakenheath, but they were so badly decomposed that a cause of death could not be determined, although they had been murdered. The last person to see them alive was a local school caretaker named Ian Huntley, who eventually was arrested for their murders. His girlfriend, Maxine Carr, was a teacher's aide who served some time in prison for providing a false alibi, and has since assumed a new identity at goverment expense and disappeared into her new life. Huntley received two life sentences in prison. From this horrible murder, a new goverment program emerged to combat putting children at risk from criminals who are working in the schools and creating a national database, but it also has its own set of controversies.
I'm not going to lie, this was a draggy, sloppy film. The filmmakers could not get access to major subjects in the crime, and most of the video is archival news coverage footage. What's chilling is that Huntley was interviewed on television about his interaction with the victims, especially after we find out he was a sexual predator and regularly beat his girlfriend, who never turned him in. Huntley was sentenced to two life sentences with a forty year minimum, but has never spoken about what exactly happened that day, coming up with a physically impossible alibi involving nose bleeds and a lot of accidents. The film should have delved further into Huntley's arrest and trial, or it should have covered the creation of the Police National Database, and the problems that come with who should be policing who are children are exposed to at school through adults' employment. The film is all over the place, and sparsely informative, with former Huntley/Carr's neighbor Gibb's emotional memories and visits to their old flat hitting especially hard.
I get the feeling there is more out there about the case, and "The Soham Murders" does present an outstanding quote that is relevant in any society over the years: "Whatever the pressures from outside, whatever, if you like, the fashions and trends between civil liberties and child protection, we always should be on the side of the child." Also known as "Soham: 10 Years On," there is some confusion about an exact release date and running time for this film.
On August 4, 2002, two ten-year-old friends, Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman, went missing from the small village of Soham in England. Their bodies were found almost two weeks later near RAF Lakenheath, but they were so badly decomposed that a cause of death could not be determined, although they had been murdered. The last person to see them alive was a local school caretaker named Ian Huntley, who eventually was arrested for their murders. His girlfriend, Maxine Carr, was a teacher's aide who served some time in prison for providing a false alibi, and has since assumed a new identity at goverment expense and disappeared into her new life. Huntley received two life sentences in prison. From this horrible murder, a new goverment program emerged to combat putting children at risk from criminals who are working in the schools and creating a national database, but it also has its own set of controversies.
I'm not going to lie, this was a draggy, sloppy film. The filmmakers could not get access to major subjects in the crime, and most of the video is archival news coverage footage. What's chilling is that Huntley was interviewed on television about his interaction with the victims, especially after we find out he was a sexual predator and regularly beat his girlfriend, who never turned him in. Huntley was sentenced to two life sentences with a forty year minimum, but has never spoken about what exactly happened that day, coming up with a physically impossible alibi involving nose bleeds and a lot of accidents. The film should have delved further into Huntley's arrest and trial, or it should have covered the creation of the Police National Database, and the problems that come with who should be policing who are children are exposed to at school through adults' employment. The film is all over the place, and sparsely informative, with former Huntley/Carr's neighbor Gibb's emotional memories and visits to their old flat hitting especially hard.
I get the feeling there is more out there about the case, and "The Soham Murders" does present an outstanding quote that is relevant in any society over the years: "Whatever the pressures from outside, whatever, if you like, the fashions and trends between civil liberties and child protection, we always should be on the side of the child." Also known as "Soham: 10 Years On," there is some confusion about an exact release date and running time for this film.
Girl 27 (2007)
David Stenn had just finished writing a biography of Jean Harlow when he discovered the story of Patricia Douglas. Douglas was a seventeen year old girl who was one of a hundred girls brought in to entertain a group of MGM film sellers who were partying in Hollywood at a convention. She was sexually assaulted by one of them. There is incredible newsreel footage of the film sellers' arrival, MGM chairman Louis B. Mayer, and Douglas' attacker- David Ross. Stenn, in his only directing effort as of this writing, then opens the film up and engages the viewer on many connected stories. Stenn could not believe the headlines he was reading about Douglas' case, how studios had a tight grip on local law enforcement and government, and that the case was made to disappear. The daughter of Clark Gable and Loretta Young, Judy Lewis, is also interviewed about her incredible life journey of being born to Young, given to an orphanage, and then being "adopted" by her natural mother- all to avoid a scandal. Another assault victim is covered- Eloise Spann, and her family's story is heartbreaking. Stenn's pursuit of Douglas is chronicled, and we finally get to see Douglas onscreen. The way her life was changed by the assault, as confirmed by her estranged daughter and a grandson, is also emotional.
To say David Ross ruined Patricia Douglas' life would be an understatement. Everything was changed by the assault. Douglas' relationships with everyone around her was ruined. She was a virgin when attacked, and her life would take a downward spiral that was never redeemed. There is no happy ending, Douglas doesn't lovingly reunite with her family, get revenge on David Ross (who died in the early 1960's with no charges ever brought against him), or receive an official apology from the City of Los Angeles or MGM. She never smiles during the documentary, leading a sad and solitary life of late night television, and not eating well after a few broken marriages. No one believed Patricia Douglas, despite a witness and necessary medical attention, so she bottled it up and shut down for the next few decades, a nobody living in an apartment in Las Vegas and watching MTV for the dancing- she had been a background dancer in a few films, and was still a fan. Or Eloise Spann, who could have been a great singer on film. Spann stopped singing after her attack, and her adult son had never heard her sing until he was played an old film clip (Eloise Spann committed suicide in 1960). As an audience, we don't get to hear Spann's voice- the studio holding the film's rights wouldn't release them to the documentary film makers, which speaks volumes about how things are in Hollywood all these years later. Watch this movie and fight back against our culture of cruelty.
To say David Ross ruined Patricia Douglas' life would be an understatement. Everything was changed by the assault. Douglas' relationships with everyone around her was ruined. She was a virgin when attacked, and her life would take a downward spiral that was never redeemed. There is no happy ending, Douglas doesn't lovingly reunite with her family, get revenge on David Ross (who died in the early 1960's with no charges ever brought against him), or receive an official apology from the City of Los Angeles or MGM. She never smiles during the documentary, leading a sad and solitary life of late night television, and not eating well after a few broken marriages. No one believed Patricia Douglas, despite a witness and necessary medical attention, so she bottled it up and shut down for the next few decades, a nobody living in an apartment in Las Vegas and watching MTV for the dancing- she had been a background dancer in a few films, and was still a fan. Or Eloise Spann, who could have been a great singer on film. Spann stopped singing after her attack, and her adult son had never heard her sing until he was played an old film clip (Eloise Spann committed suicide in 1960). As an audience, we don't get to hear Spann's voice- the studio holding the film's rights wouldn't release them to the documentary film makers, which speaks volumes about how things are in Hollywood all these years later. Watch this movie and fight back against our culture of cruelty.
No Place to Hide: The Rehtaeh Parsons Story (2015)
As I'm writing this review, the world is still arguing about the Jeffrey Epstein files, or lack thereof (?). Amidst the online screeching and promised revelations, everyone seems to have forgotten the victims that were sexually assaulted and trafficked. Rehtaeh Parsons and her story is an illustration of a miscarriage of law enforcement, criminal justice, and mental wellness, and it's sad but not at all shocking that this girl could not handle this weight.
Parsons lived in Canada, her first name is pretty and the story behind it (it's Heather spelled backward) is interesting. She was going to a large high school and was trying to make new friends when she went to a sleepover. The girls went to another girl's house and Parsons was sexually assaulted by four different boys while drunk. Almost as bad, one of the boys took a photograph during the rape, and began showing it around the school. The photo spread to other schools in other towns, and Parsons began to change because of the unbearable pressure. She was harassed online and in person, gaining the reputation as loose, and worse. As one politician points out in the film, this wasn't "bullying," what she went through was criminal. Parsons' father checked her into a hospital to try and get her the mental help that she needed, but that only made things worse, and Rehtaeh began cutting herself and threatening suicide. The police did as little investigation as possible, never confiscating cell phones or interviewing the boys involved. Eventually, Rehtaeh followed through on her suicidal threats, and the online presence Anonymous got involved in her case, forcing government entities to grudgingly act.
Filmwise, the documentary is a bit of a mess. The film makers could not get the cooperation of law enforcement, but the emotional interviews with Rehtaeh's parents, a reporter, a classmate, and a member of the Anonymous group fill in any blanks the viewer might have. Between this film and "Dear Zachary," Canadian law enforcement and legal prosecutors don't come off well, although as an American I'm not looking down my nose at them- and I have two family members with law degrees and prosecutorial experience. It's unbelievable what Rehtaeh and her family went through, and it's maddening to think that most of this could have been avoided. Canning, Rehtaeh's dad, had a great analogy about the victim shaming and misogyny directed at his daughter- sexual assault seems to be the only crime where the victim is investigated and questioned more than the perpetrators. If he had been mugged, he would be believed right away, why the double standard for rape victims? Online trolls are some of the worst people to ever walk the earth, and some of their comments on the family's social media will make your skin crawl. The identity of the person making death threats to Canning is both shocking, and expected in the social media world of stunted maturity and assumed anonymity. One unnamed girl had the same sexual violence happen to her, but after seeing what happened to Rehtaeh, refused to come forward. This is common in today's world of statutes of limitations and criminals "identifying" differently, able to skirt around safeguards that keep our children protected.
Facebook is called out for allowing a page mocking Rehtaeh's death, complete with doctored photos and cartoons, to stay up because it didn't violate their "community standards." Over the years, I've reported short videos and posts with nudity, and a couple of AI-produced clips of children being set on fire (thanks for polluting my feed with THAT, Facebook) and they were all allowed to stay up. On the other hand, when I joke with my wife about all of our stuff that we would destroy if we ever won the lottery that we never play, I get flagged and censored for "instigating violence." Not being able to use the terms "rape" or "sexual assault," coding it as "SA;" or covering up "murder" and "suicide" with "un-aliving," is an insult to every victim of these crimes or situations. Arguing with an algorithm is probably the second stupidest thing we must do online. Rehtaeh Parsons was a victim of rape and suicide. Don't soothe your fragile mentalities with nonsensical code words- her offenders weren't using code words in their crimes and cyber-torment.
Despite the running time, this is not another basic cable true crime series episode with bad reenactments and slick lighting, nor is it an episode of "Dateline," doing its own investigation and trailing the audience along. This broken family is still mourning their daughter over a decade later, and we shouldn't forget what happened to Rehtaeh Parsons, or anyone else who was ever violated, sought help from society, and was shunned. That is not justice, that is vile.
Parsons lived in Canada, her first name is pretty and the story behind it (it's Heather spelled backward) is interesting. She was going to a large high school and was trying to make new friends when she went to a sleepover. The girls went to another girl's house and Parsons was sexually assaulted by four different boys while drunk. Almost as bad, one of the boys took a photograph during the rape, and began showing it around the school. The photo spread to other schools in other towns, and Parsons began to change because of the unbearable pressure. She was harassed online and in person, gaining the reputation as loose, and worse. As one politician points out in the film, this wasn't "bullying," what she went through was criminal. Parsons' father checked her into a hospital to try and get her the mental help that she needed, but that only made things worse, and Rehtaeh began cutting herself and threatening suicide. The police did as little investigation as possible, never confiscating cell phones or interviewing the boys involved. Eventually, Rehtaeh followed through on her suicidal threats, and the online presence Anonymous got involved in her case, forcing government entities to grudgingly act.
Filmwise, the documentary is a bit of a mess. The film makers could not get the cooperation of law enforcement, but the emotional interviews with Rehtaeh's parents, a reporter, a classmate, and a member of the Anonymous group fill in any blanks the viewer might have. Between this film and "Dear Zachary," Canadian law enforcement and legal prosecutors don't come off well, although as an American I'm not looking down my nose at them- and I have two family members with law degrees and prosecutorial experience. It's unbelievable what Rehtaeh and her family went through, and it's maddening to think that most of this could have been avoided. Canning, Rehtaeh's dad, had a great analogy about the victim shaming and misogyny directed at his daughter- sexual assault seems to be the only crime where the victim is investigated and questioned more than the perpetrators. If he had been mugged, he would be believed right away, why the double standard for rape victims? Online trolls are some of the worst people to ever walk the earth, and some of their comments on the family's social media will make your skin crawl. The identity of the person making death threats to Canning is both shocking, and expected in the social media world of stunted maturity and assumed anonymity. One unnamed girl had the same sexual violence happen to her, but after seeing what happened to Rehtaeh, refused to come forward. This is common in today's world of statutes of limitations and criminals "identifying" differently, able to skirt around safeguards that keep our children protected.
Facebook is called out for allowing a page mocking Rehtaeh's death, complete with doctored photos and cartoons, to stay up because it didn't violate their "community standards." Over the years, I've reported short videos and posts with nudity, and a couple of AI-produced clips of children being set on fire (thanks for polluting my feed with THAT, Facebook) and they were all allowed to stay up. On the other hand, when I joke with my wife about all of our stuff that we would destroy if we ever won the lottery that we never play, I get flagged and censored for "instigating violence." Not being able to use the terms "rape" or "sexual assault," coding it as "SA;" or covering up "murder" and "suicide" with "un-aliving," is an insult to every victim of these crimes or situations. Arguing with an algorithm is probably the second stupidest thing we must do online. Rehtaeh Parsons was a victim of rape and suicide. Don't soothe your fragile mentalities with nonsensical code words- her offenders weren't using code words in their crimes and cyber-torment.
Despite the running time, this is not another basic cable true crime series episode with bad reenactments and slick lighting, nor is it an episode of "Dateline," doing its own investigation and trailing the audience along. This broken family is still mourning their daughter over a decade later, and we shouldn't forget what happened to Rehtaeh Parsons, or anyone else who was ever violated, sought help from society, and was shunned. That is not justice, that is vile.
Wednesday, July 16, 2025
The Terror of Tiny Town (1938)
The year 1938 saw the premiere of a light-hearted screwball comedy that failed in its initial release, but has grown in cinematic stature to achieve classic status. That film was "Bringing Up Baby." Oh, this film was also released in 1938, but I hated it inside of ninety seconds. The plot is identical to all those old B-westerns from the 1930's, except its entire cast consists of little people. The evil "terror," Hanes (Little Billy Rhodes), is rustling cows (or in this case, calves) and sets two of his ranch victims against each other. Lawson (John T. Bambury) and son Buck (Billy Curtis) square off against Preston (Billy Platt), while the do-nothing sheriff (Joseph Herbst) does nothing. Nancy (Yvonne Moray), Preston's niece, arrives and begins meeting Buck on the sly. Hanes steps up his conspiracy as Lawson and Preston find out about their passionate progeny.
If you are going to make a western with an all little-person cast, then you should really pull out all the stops. The art direction and set decoration are there, as the cast members ride very skittish ponies and walk under saloon doors. The town is full of small townsfolk and bar "girls", the hero is handsome in his white hat, and the villain Hanes is hiss-worthy evil. However, aside from a couple of puns about smallpox, and being a "big man" around town, this script could have been lifted from any of the hundreds of westerns Hollywood was cranking out at this time. Seeing a little person smoke a cigar and drink a beer loses its novelty after a few scenes, and the screenplay is less than enthralling. The acting is awful. The songs are all the same, and the sound recording is very difficult to understand.
"The Terror of Tiny Town" has "cult movie" written all over it. After hearing about it for years, I finally sat down and got it out of my system.
If you are going to make a western with an all little-person cast, then you should really pull out all the stops. The art direction and set decoration are there, as the cast members ride very skittish ponies and walk under saloon doors. The town is full of small townsfolk and bar "girls", the hero is handsome in his white hat, and the villain Hanes is hiss-worthy evil. However, aside from a couple of puns about smallpox, and being a "big man" around town, this script could have been lifted from any of the hundreds of westerns Hollywood was cranking out at this time. Seeing a little person smoke a cigar and drink a beer loses its novelty after a few scenes, and the screenplay is less than enthralling. The acting is awful. The songs are all the same, and the sound recording is very difficult to understand.
"The Terror of Tiny Town" has "cult movie" written all over it. After hearing about it for years, I finally sat down and got it out of my system.
Tuesday, July 15, 2025
Death Has Blue Eyes (1976)
This Mastorakis film plays like one of John Holmes' Johnny Wadd films, but without the hardcore sex.
Bob (Peter Winter) and Ches (Hristos Nomikos) are two bachelors on the make. They are hired by Geraldine (Jessica Dublin) to guard her and her daughter, Christine (Maria Aliferi). Christine is psychic, and knows all the details of a political murder. The bad guys are after the ladies, and Bob and Ches try to protect the women, when they are not sleeping with half the female population of Greece. The climax tells us that Geraldine and Christine are not the helpless damsels-in-distress we think they are, and Bob and Ches race to stop another assassination.
Sometimes a film set in the 1970's is quaint and watchable but not here with all the bell-bottoms and round, spinning beds to distract from the slight story. Mastorakis fills the screen with sex. The men are as naked as the women, and the sex scenes are long. They distract from the lame action scenes, which consists of unexciting car chases and very fake blood. The psychic can defend herself by setting her enemies on fire at will, it is never explained why the women need these two dolts to protect them in the first place, except to have a movie.
Also known as "Para Psychics," I believe the English title was supposed to be "A Pair of Psychics," since "Para Psychics" makes about as much sense as the plot. If you do happen upon this, skip it. The editing was done with a chainsaw, the dubbing is hopeless, the action dull, and the heroes are jerks. If you like Mediterranean women on the other hand (or either hand), this might be for you.
Bob (Peter Winter) and Ches (Hristos Nomikos) are two bachelors on the make. They are hired by Geraldine (Jessica Dublin) to guard her and her daughter, Christine (Maria Aliferi). Christine is psychic, and knows all the details of a political murder. The bad guys are after the ladies, and Bob and Ches try to protect the women, when they are not sleeping with half the female population of Greece. The climax tells us that Geraldine and Christine are not the helpless damsels-in-distress we think they are, and Bob and Ches race to stop another assassination.
Sometimes a film set in the 1970's is quaint and watchable but not here with all the bell-bottoms and round, spinning beds to distract from the slight story. Mastorakis fills the screen with sex. The men are as naked as the women, and the sex scenes are long. They distract from the lame action scenes, which consists of unexciting car chases and very fake blood. The psychic can defend herself by setting her enemies on fire at will, it is never explained why the women need these two dolts to protect them in the first place, except to have a movie.
Also known as "Para Psychics," I believe the English title was supposed to be "A Pair of Psychics," since "Para Psychics" makes about as much sense as the plot. If you do happen upon this, skip it. The editing was done with a chainsaw, the dubbing is hopeless, the action dull, and the heroes are jerks. If you like Mediterranean women on the other hand (or either hand), this might be for you.
Monday, July 14, 2025
Don't Let the Riverbeast Get You! (2012)
The good citizens of River Town, USA are being terrorized by a giant river beast, and we must rely on a chocolate milk drinking disgraced tutor to save us all.
Neil Stuart (Matt Farley) returns to his hometown after being left at the altar by his fiancee Emmaline (Elizabeth M. Peterson) three years before. He is a believer in a giant creature that lives down by the river, but the rest of the town doesn't believe him. He is hassled and assaulted constantly, eventually staying in his godmother's (Joanie Greenan) basement with his former best friend Teddy (Tom Scalzo). Neil gets a gig tutoring Ally (Sharon Scalzo), the daughter of a former professional athlete (Kevin McGee). As various subplots begin to develop (Neil is hounded by a reporter, Teddy finds love), the river beast makes himself known to the local citizens and begins attacking members of the large cast.
This is the third film I have seen from Matt Farley and Charles Roxburgh, after "Freaky Farley" and "Monsters, Marriage, and Murder in Manchvegas," and this is the better of them. These three films still remind me of John Waters' early films- the cast's delivery of their lines is stilted, the dialogue sounds like it was lifted from sixty year old films, and the monster is obviously a guy in a rubber suit, but this time Roxburgh and Farley have opened up the proceedings and I didn't feel like I was watching a private joke I wasn't in on. From the earnestness of Farley's leading man persona to the nice-to-see-again Sharon Scalzo, this outing is nothing more than goofy fun, and part of that fun is watching what weirdness the film makers have up their sleeves next. I usually wasn't disappointed, with cat litter and a harmonica-playing big game hunter entering the fray. Of course, this isn't a John Waters film, and I still wish I could get some edge. The film runs a few minutes too long, and the violence and gore is purely PG-level. The odd universe this story exists in is interesting, but this may not appeal to the average moviegoer. On the other hand, weird and underground cinema fans will probably eat this up. The technical aspects of this film are strong, the cinematography is crisp, the editing and directing are confident, and the sound is excellent.
"Don't Let the Riverbeast Get You!" is cornball stuff, but it's fun cornball stuff. I liked it enough to slightly recommend it, and it's nice to see Roxburgh do such a good job behind the camera with each film he directs.
Neil Stuart (Matt Farley) returns to his hometown after being left at the altar by his fiancee Emmaline (Elizabeth M. Peterson) three years before. He is a believer in a giant creature that lives down by the river, but the rest of the town doesn't believe him. He is hassled and assaulted constantly, eventually staying in his godmother's (Joanie Greenan) basement with his former best friend Teddy (Tom Scalzo). Neil gets a gig tutoring Ally (Sharon Scalzo), the daughter of a former professional athlete (Kevin McGee). As various subplots begin to develop (Neil is hounded by a reporter, Teddy finds love), the river beast makes himself known to the local citizens and begins attacking members of the large cast.
This is the third film I have seen from Matt Farley and Charles Roxburgh, after "Freaky Farley" and "Monsters, Marriage, and Murder in Manchvegas," and this is the better of them. These three films still remind me of John Waters' early films- the cast's delivery of their lines is stilted, the dialogue sounds like it was lifted from sixty year old films, and the monster is obviously a guy in a rubber suit, but this time Roxburgh and Farley have opened up the proceedings and I didn't feel like I was watching a private joke I wasn't in on. From the earnestness of Farley's leading man persona to the nice-to-see-again Sharon Scalzo, this outing is nothing more than goofy fun, and part of that fun is watching what weirdness the film makers have up their sleeves next. I usually wasn't disappointed, with cat litter and a harmonica-playing big game hunter entering the fray. Of course, this isn't a John Waters film, and I still wish I could get some edge. The film runs a few minutes too long, and the violence and gore is purely PG-level. The odd universe this story exists in is interesting, but this may not appeal to the average moviegoer. On the other hand, weird and underground cinema fans will probably eat this up. The technical aspects of this film are strong, the cinematography is crisp, the editing and directing are confident, and the sound is excellent.
"Don't Let the Riverbeast Get You!" is cornball stuff, but it's fun cornball stuff. I liked it enough to slightly recommend it, and it's nice to see Roxburgh do such a good job behind the camera with each film he directs.
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