*Get "Pharaoh's Curse" on Amazon here*
*Get The Mummy Complete Legacy Collection on Amazon here*
*Get The Mummy Ultimate Collection on Amazon here*
*Get "The Mummy" (2017) on Amazon here*
This short, cheap horror flick doesn't even make with the mummy its title alludes to.
In 1902, the hilariously named Captain Storm (Mark Dana) is a British soldier guiding an expedition into the Egyptian desert to rescue a group of archaeologists out digging for mummies and such. He is stuck with two low ranking soldiers, and a woman- in this case, Sylvia (Diana Brewster), who is married to the leader of the dig. The four set out, stumbling across the mysterious Simira (Ziva Rodann) along the way. Simira tries to hurry the group to the dig, but they are set in their ways. Essentials like food and animals start disappearing, Simira spends her nights staring into the distance, and Sylvia is bitten by a scorpion. Simira warns the group that it is too late as they pull into the camp, run by hothead American adventurer Quentin (George N. Neise) and populated by a group of characters whose names and characters aren't really that important because they are so poorly written. Simira's brother Numar (Alvaro Guillot) reacts badly to the opening of the sarcophagus of a high priest, suddenly aging fifty years in a few hours. As the guys run around with torches and guns after Numar escapes from the group, Sylvia reveals the real reason she came on the trip, and Simira continues to stare into space.
It's sad that the low budget spent on the film also provides the greatest entertainment value. In the tense sarcophagus opening scene, you swear you hear a box cutter going through masking tape. The wordy curses the group discover are translated by analysis of a handful of badly drawn hieroglyphics. At one point, Sylvia is wandering around a cave, and you can hear her hands knock against a wooden-sounding set. The day for night shots are also badly done, and Death Valley's desert looks nothing like the Sahara. The film was shot in less than a week, and I believe it. Mark Dana looks like a young Ronald Reagan, and his bad British accent comes but mostly goes. Every time he opens his mouth, he sounds like Cary Grant. The rest of the cast doesn't register at all, my mind wandered while everyone searched for hidden passages and lit conveniently placed torches. One plus here is the makeup used to age Numar. It is well done, and may have accounted for most of the budget.
"Pharaoh's Curse" is a typical B horror flick, clocking in at barely an hour, and directed with all the stylish flourish of a piece of gum. Break this curse.
Stats:
(1957) 66 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Lee Sholem
-Original Story and Screenplay by Richard H. Landau
-Cast: Mark Dana, Diana Brewster, Ziva Rodann, George N. Neise, Alvaro Guillot, Ben Wright, Guy Prescott, Terence de Marney, Richard Peel, Kurt Katch, Robert Fortin, Ralph Clanton
(Not Rated)
Media Viewed: Home Video
Thursday, July 31, 2025
Mr. Peabody & Sherman (2014)
*Get "Mr. Peabody & Sherman" on Amazon here*
*Get "Mr. Peabody & Sherman" Music from the Motion Picture on Amazon here*
*Get Mr. Peabody & Sherman Complete Collection on Amazon here*
*Get Mr. Peabody & Sherman toys and collectibles on Amazon here*
Unlike many of my film critic colleagues, I am NOT familiar with the Mr. Peabody and Sherman segments on the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show. I was a Looney Tunes kid, born and bred- still am.
Mr. Peabody (voiced by Ty Burrell) is the world's smartest dog, and accomplishes everything most humans would like to accomplish- genius level IQ, successful business leading to a massive penthouse home, and he even adopts Sherman (voiced by Max Charles), an abandoned baby who has grown up with the dog as a father and now must attend school for the first time. Sherman has a head start on the other students because his dog-father has taught him history using a time machine (the WABAC) to visit centuries past. After Sherman is bullied by Penny (voiced by Ariel Winter) at school, Mr. Peabody invites Penny and her parents (voiced by the odious Stephen Colbert and the sometimes funny Leslie Mann) over for dinner to smooth things over. Sherman actually has a crush on Penny, shows her the WABAC (against Mr. Peabody's orders), and accidentally gets her betrothed to King Tut (voiced by Zach Callison). From there, Peabody, Sherman, and Penny jump from one time era to another, trying to repair their meddling, and rubbing elbows with historical figures.
Like a lot of films recently, too much of the story was given away in the preview, but at least that minute and a half series of highlights was edited together well and provided most of the film's laughs- normally, any movie that uses Patrick Warburton as voice talent is okay in my book. Here, though, the story starts out choppy and gets choppier, with the writing credits featuring enigmatic phrases like "additional screenplay material" and "additional dialogue." As if to distract you from their lack of a linear plot, the film makers throw the viewer into the story right away, hoping all the technical bells, whistles, and potty jokes will distract you. This worked in the later "Home," but not here, so I spent many a scene guessing which celebrity's voice I was listening to.
We also get the now-generic mean ogreish social worker (voiced by Allison Janney) who wants to separate Sherman and Mr. Peabody- a plot device right out of "Despicable Me," and numerous films where children are adopted by non-traditional parents- and a supporting cast of possible friends of Sherman's who might help him in his adventures before being dropped without follow-through. The bullying scene, along with Sherman's crush on rival Penny, was hilarious back when the same situation played out on "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius." The air of familiarity is heavy, and while some of the jokes and puns score, you could see many of the plot twists coming from a mile away. The film makers even thrown in a "Spartacus" joke for the grandparents and film buffs who might find themselves trapped watching this.
By the end of the film, I questioned why "Mr. Peabody & Sherman" was made in the first place. The generation who used to watch the cartoon back in the day are middle-aged now -yes, I admit I am getting older. Where was the demand to computer animate this duo? It must have been the same group of advocates who gave us "Starsky & Hutch," "I Spy," and every ghastly reboot/sequel on TV and in the theaters. I wish they'd kind of shut up now.
Stats:
(2014) 92 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Rob Minkoff
-Screenplay by Craig Wright, Additional Dialogue by Robert Ben Garant & Thomas Lennon, Additonal Screenplay Material by Michael McCullers, based on characters and format created by Ted Key, based on the series produced by Jay Ward
-Cast: Ty Burrell, Max Charles, Ariel Winter, Stephen Colbert, Leslie Mann, Patrick Warburton, Allison Janney, Stephen Tobolowsky, Dennis Haysbert, Stanley Tucci, Zach Callison, Lauri Fraser, Pat Musick
(PG)
Media Viewed: Streaming
*BAFTA*
-Kids Vote: Feature Film (lost to "Frozen")
*Get "Mr. Peabody & Sherman" Music from the Motion Picture on Amazon here*
*Get Mr. Peabody & Sherman Complete Collection on Amazon here*
*Get Mr. Peabody & Sherman toys and collectibles on Amazon here*
Unlike many of my film critic colleagues, I am NOT familiar with the Mr. Peabody and Sherman segments on the old Rocky and Bullwinkle show. I was a Looney Tunes kid, born and bred- still am.
Mr. Peabody (voiced by Ty Burrell) is the world's smartest dog, and accomplishes everything most humans would like to accomplish- genius level IQ, successful business leading to a massive penthouse home, and he even adopts Sherman (voiced by Max Charles), an abandoned baby who has grown up with the dog as a father and now must attend school for the first time. Sherman has a head start on the other students because his dog-father has taught him history using a time machine (the WABAC) to visit centuries past. After Sherman is bullied by Penny (voiced by Ariel Winter) at school, Mr. Peabody invites Penny and her parents (voiced by the odious Stephen Colbert and the sometimes funny Leslie Mann) over for dinner to smooth things over. Sherman actually has a crush on Penny, shows her the WABAC (against Mr. Peabody's orders), and accidentally gets her betrothed to King Tut (voiced by Zach Callison). From there, Peabody, Sherman, and Penny jump from one time era to another, trying to repair their meddling, and rubbing elbows with historical figures.
Like a lot of films recently, too much of the story was given away in the preview, but at least that minute and a half series of highlights was edited together well and provided most of the film's laughs- normally, any movie that uses Patrick Warburton as voice talent is okay in my book. Here, though, the story starts out choppy and gets choppier, with the writing credits featuring enigmatic phrases like "additional screenplay material" and "additional dialogue." As if to distract you from their lack of a linear plot, the film makers throw the viewer into the story right away, hoping all the technical bells, whistles, and potty jokes will distract you. This worked in the later "Home," but not here, so I spent many a scene guessing which celebrity's voice I was listening to.
We also get the now-generic mean ogreish social worker (voiced by Allison Janney) who wants to separate Sherman and Mr. Peabody- a plot device right out of "Despicable Me," and numerous films where children are adopted by non-traditional parents- and a supporting cast of possible friends of Sherman's who might help him in his adventures before being dropped without follow-through. The bullying scene, along with Sherman's crush on rival Penny, was hilarious back when the same situation played out on "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius." The air of familiarity is heavy, and while some of the jokes and puns score, you could see many of the plot twists coming from a mile away. The film makers even thrown in a "Spartacus" joke for the grandparents and film buffs who might find themselves trapped watching this.
By the end of the film, I questioned why "Mr. Peabody & Sherman" was made in the first place. The generation who used to watch the cartoon back in the day are middle-aged now -yes, I admit I am getting older. Where was the demand to computer animate this duo? It must have been the same group of advocates who gave us "Starsky & Hutch," "I Spy," and every ghastly reboot/sequel on TV and in the theaters. I wish they'd kind of shut up now.
Stats:
(2014) 92 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Rob Minkoff
-Screenplay by Craig Wright, Additional Dialogue by Robert Ben Garant & Thomas Lennon, Additonal Screenplay Material by Michael McCullers, based on characters and format created by Ted Key, based on the series produced by Jay Ward
-Cast: Ty Burrell, Max Charles, Ariel Winter, Stephen Colbert, Leslie Mann, Patrick Warburton, Allison Janney, Stephen Tobolowsky, Dennis Haysbert, Stanley Tucci, Zach Callison, Lauri Fraser, Pat Musick
(PG)
Media Viewed: Streaming
*BAFTA*
-Kids Vote: Feature Film (lost to "Frozen")
Move Over, Darling (1963)
*Get "Move Over, Darling" on Amazon here*
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*Get "Doris Day: Her Greatest Songs" by Doris Day on Amazon here*
*Get "My Favorite Wife" on Amazon here*
This remake of "My Favorite Wife" has a surefire story that should have worked.
Widowed lawyer Nicholas (James Garner) is marrying Bianca (Polly Bergen) the same day he is having his first wife declared legally dead. Ellen (Doris Day) has been missing after a plane crash for five years, and Nicholas is finally moving on after living with his mother (the always wonderful Thelma Ritter) and his and Ellen's two young daughters. The problem is, Ellen has just been rescued by the military and hurries home as quickly as she can. Ellen tracks Nicholas and Bianca to their honeymoon hotel, and they are finally reunited before the complications begin. Nicholas has a huge problem telling Bianca, Ellen is a stranger to their children, and soon it's discovered that Ellen wasn't alone on a tropical island for five years. She was stranded with the very hunky Steve (Chuck Connors), and has a little more to answer for.
This remake started as a George Cukor-directed film starring Marilyn Monroe, Dean Martin, and Cyd Charisse in the roles of Ellen, Nicholas, and Bianca. Monroe was fired after a few scenes were filmed due to budget overruns, Martin threatened to walk, then Monroe was rehired but died before the project was completed. Thirty-seven minutes of "Something's Gotta Give" was eventually shown as part of a documentary on Monroe, but the entire film was revamped- save some of the sets, character names, and general plot.
While the main trio here is fine, some of the high comic scenes had me cringing. Often, the film resorts to slapstick that is difficult to watch (the Swedish nurse bit is simply unfunny), accented by an obnoxious musical score from Lionel Newman. The supporting cast is full of familiar faces including Max Showalter, Don Knotts, Alan Sues, and John Astin, and aside from Ritter, Edgar Buchanan as the judge is nothing short of hysterical. Gordon's direction is alright, the widescreen is nice, but beware of a lot of badly done special effects- especially in a car chase that runs thankfully short. On the opposite side of the spectrum, the hotel scenes where Nicholas must juggle two women claiming to be his wife while the hotel manager (Fred Clark) skulks around runs way too long, bringing the film to a complete stop while I found myself yelling at Nicholas to just tell Bianca the truth already. Some of Day's double takes are funny, but out of nowhere we have to make sure she gets to sing a song, too.
"Move Over, Darling" can't decide whether it is wacky or sophisticated. It is sexist when you think about it- Nicholas moves on with his life after five years and everyone but Ellen is okay with that, yet it is automatically assumed Ellen and Steve were sleeping together after spending that time on the island alone. We can wonder all we want about what could have been with "Something's Gotta Give," (the Monroe footage is fascinating) but this film makes a mediocre substitute.
Stats:
(1963) 103 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Michael Gordon
-Screenplay by Hal Kanter and Jack Sher, based on a screenplay by Bella Spewack and Sam Spewack, Story by Bella Spewack & Sam Spewack and Leo McCarey
-Cast: Doris Day, James Garner, Polly Bergen, Thelma Ritter, Chuck Connors, Edgar Buchanan, Fred Clark, Don Knotts, John Astin, Max Showalter, Elliott Reid, Pat Harrington Jr., Eddie Quillan
(Not Rated)
Media Viewed: Streaming
*Golden Globes*
-Best Actress Musical or Comedy- Doris Day (lost to Shirley MacLaine- "Irma la Douce")
*Get "Move Over, Darling" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get "Doris Day: Her Greatest Songs" by Doris Day on Amazon here*
*Get "My Favorite Wife" on Amazon here*
This remake of "My Favorite Wife" has a surefire story that should have worked.
Widowed lawyer Nicholas (James Garner) is marrying Bianca (Polly Bergen) the same day he is having his first wife declared legally dead. Ellen (Doris Day) has been missing after a plane crash for five years, and Nicholas is finally moving on after living with his mother (the always wonderful Thelma Ritter) and his and Ellen's two young daughters. The problem is, Ellen has just been rescued by the military and hurries home as quickly as she can. Ellen tracks Nicholas and Bianca to their honeymoon hotel, and they are finally reunited before the complications begin. Nicholas has a huge problem telling Bianca, Ellen is a stranger to their children, and soon it's discovered that Ellen wasn't alone on a tropical island for five years. She was stranded with the very hunky Steve (Chuck Connors), and has a little more to answer for.
This remake started as a George Cukor-directed film starring Marilyn Monroe, Dean Martin, and Cyd Charisse in the roles of Ellen, Nicholas, and Bianca. Monroe was fired after a few scenes were filmed due to budget overruns, Martin threatened to walk, then Monroe was rehired but died before the project was completed. Thirty-seven minutes of "Something's Gotta Give" was eventually shown as part of a documentary on Monroe, but the entire film was revamped- save some of the sets, character names, and general plot.
While the main trio here is fine, some of the high comic scenes had me cringing. Often, the film resorts to slapstick that is difficult to watch (the Swedish nurse bit is simply unfunny), accented by an obnoxious musical score from Lionel Newman. The supporting cast is full of familiar faces including Max Showalter, Don Knotts, Alan Sues, and John Astin, and aside from Ritter, Edgar Buchanan as the judge is nothing short of hysterical. Gordon's direction is alright, the widescreen is nice, but beware of a lot of badly done special effects- especially in a car chase that runs thankfully short. On the opposite side of the spectrum, the hotel scenes where Nicholas must juggle two women claiming to be his wife while the hotel manager (Fred Clark) skulks around runs way too long, bringing the film to a complete stop while I found myself yelling at Nicholas to just tell Bianca the truth already. Some of Day's double takes are funny, but out of nowhere we have to make sure she gets to sing a song, too.
"Move Over, Darling" can't decide whether it is wacky or sophisticated. It is sexist when you think about it- Nicholas moves on with his life after five years and everyone but Ellen is okay with that, yet it is automatically assumed Ellen and Steve were sleeping together after spending that time on the island alone. We can wonder all we want about what could have been with "Something's Gotta Give," (the Monroe footage is fascinating) but this film makes a mediocre substitute.
Stats:
(1963) 103 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Michael Gordon
-Screenplay by Hal Kanter and Jack Sher, based on a screenplay by Bella Spewack and Sam Spewack, Story by Bella Spewack & Sam Spewack and Leo McCarey
-Cast: Doris Day, James Garner, Polly Bergen, Thelma Ritter, Chuck Connors, Edgar Buchanan, Fred Clark, Don Knotts, John Astin, Max Showalter, Elliott Reid, Pat Harrington Jr., Eddie Quillan
(Not Rated)
Media Viewed: Streaming
*Golden Globes*
-Best Actress Musical or Comedy- Doris Day (lost to Shirley MacLaine- "Irma la Douce")
The Samurai (2014)
*Get "Der Samurai" on Amazon here*
*Watch "Der Samurai" on Revry through Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get "The Longest Night" (2009) PAL Format DVD on Amazon here*
*Get An Illustrated Guide to Samurai History and Culture: From the Age of Musashi to Contemporary Pop Culture by Gavin Blair on Amazon here*
If David Lynch and Bruce LaBruce had ever teamed up to make a film- well for one thing, it would be completely insane, and for another thing it would be this film.
In a small German town, police officer Jakob (Michel Diercks) tries to keep the peace even though no one takes him seriously. He lives with his ailing grandmother, and the crime rate is so low he keeps his gun in his desk back at the police station. He passes the time obsessing about a wolf that is prowling around the local woods, leaving the animal bags of raw meat and hoping it doesn't strike in the town itself. Someone sends a package to Jakob, requesting he deliver it to its rightful owner. Jakob gets a call telling him where to take the giant parcel, and finds himself in an abandoned house face to face with a scary looking man in a white summer dress (Pit Bukowski, who is made up to look eerily like Courtney Love in her 'Hole' days). The nameless man opens the package, pulls out a large Japanese sword, and then things get really weird. The titular character runs amok through the small town, awkwardly trashing and vandalizing everything with his new sword. He doesn't wield it like Uma Thurman in the "Kill Bill" films, he wants to do more damage than anything. Jakob follows along, unarmed, trying to stop the mayhem while also dealing with a lot of internal issues like his self-loathing sexuality. Lone wolf, or lonely wolf, subtext is everywhere, and soon the body count rises as Jakob tries to reason with the insane mass murderer, who seems to know Jakob better than Jakob knows himself.
Kleinert has written and directed a surreal vision I would compare favorably with Lynch, as well as "Coyote"'s Trevor Juenger. There is that required sense of unease the minute the film starts, you know things aren't going to go well, and Kleinert cranks the tension up early on. His film frame composition is nothing short of lovely, and his editing is perfect. Bukowski is creepy, Robert-Blake-in-"Lost-Highway"-creepy, carving out quite the silhouette in his dress and stringy blonde hair. Diercks doesn't overplay the small town cop, and he turns in a sympathetic performance. The film is short, so getting to know too much about other supporting characters is difficult but not really necessary. Conrad Oleak's music is spot on, with one techno riff that sounds like John Carpenter. There is a lot of gore here, and one shot of the nude samurai that guarantees an (NC-17) rating if this had been presented to the MPAA, but Kleinert doesn't hold anything back, and watching this film is a tense experience.
"Der Samurai" is unexplainable, but it meets the criteria I have accidentally developed for a great film over the years- give me something I haven't seen before. If I have seen it before, do something different, show me some originality even in familiarity. Till Kleinert and his cast do just that.
Stats:
(2014) 79 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Till Kleinert
-Cast: Michel Diercks, Pit Bukowski, Uwe Preuss, Ulrike Hanke-Hansch, Kaja Blachnik, Christopher Guy Kane, Janin Halisch, Ulrike Bliefert, Michael Fritz Schumacher, Gernot Alwin Kunert, Yvonne Yung Hee Bormann, Manfred Mock, Nadine Pasta
(Unrated)
Media Viewed: DVD
*Watch "Der Samurai" on Revry through Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get "The Longest Night" (2009) PAL Format DVD on Amazon here*
*Get An Illustrated Guide to Samurai History and Culture: From the Age of Musashi to Contemporary Pop Culture by Gavin Blair on Amazon here*
If David Lynch and Bruce LaBruce had ever teamed up to make a film- well for one thing, it would be completely insane, and for another thing it would be this film.
In a small German town, police officer Jakob (Michel Diercks) tries to keep the peace even though no one takes him seriously. He lives with his ailing grandmother, and the crime rate is so low he keeps his gun in his desk back at the police station. He passes the time obsessing about a wolf that is prowling around the local woods, leaving the animal bags of raw meat and hoping it doesn't strike in the town itself. Someone sends a package to Jakob, requesting he deliver it to its rightful owner. Jakob gets a call telling him where to take the giant parcel, and finds himself in an abandoned house face to face with a scary looking man in a white summer dress (Pit Bukowski, who is made up to look eerily like Courtney Love in her 'Hole' days). The nameless man opens the package, pulls out a large Japanese sword, and then things get really weird. The titular character runs amok through the small town, awkwardly trashing and vandalizing everything with his new sword. He doesn't wield it like Uma Thurman in the "Kill Bill" films, he wants to do more damage than anything. Jakob follows along, unarmed, trying to stop the mayhem while also dealing with a lot of internal issues like his self-loathing sexuality. Lone wolf, or lonely wolf, subtext is everywhere, and soon the body count rises as Jakob tries to reason with the insane mass murderer, who seems to know Jakob better than Jakob knows himself.
Kleinert has written and directed a surreal vision I would compare favorably with Lynch, as well as "Coyote"'s Trevor Juenger. There is that required sense of unease the minute the film starts, you know things aren't going to go well, and Kleinert cranks the tension up early on. His film frame composition is nothing short of lovely, and his editing is perfect. Bukowski is creepy, Robert-Blake-in-"Lost-Highway"-creepy, carving out quite the silhouette in his dress and stringy blonde hair. Diercks doesn't overplay the small town cop, and he turns in a sympathetic performance. The film is short, so getting to know too much about other supporting characters is difficult but not really necessary. Conrad Oleak's music is spot on, with one techno riff that sounds like John Carpenter. There is a lot of gore here, and one shot of the nude samurai that guarantees an (NC-17) rating if this had been presented to the MPAA, but Kleinert doesn't hold anything back, and watching this film is a tense experience.
"Der Samurai" is unexplainable, but it meets the criteria I have accidentally developed for a great film over the years- give me something I haven't seen before. If I have seen it before, do something different, show me some originality even in familiarity. Till Kleinert and his cast do just that.
Stats:
(2014) 79 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Till Kleinert
-Cast: Michel Diercks, Pit Bukowski, Uwe Preuss, Ulrike Hanke-Hansch, Kaja Blachnik, Christopher Guy Kane, Janin Halisch, Ulrike Bliefert, Michael Fritz Schumacher, Gernot Alwin Kunert, Yvonne Yung Hee Bormann, Manfred Mock, Nadine Pasta
(Unrated)
Media Viewed: DVD
Pitch Perfect 2 (2015)
*Get "Pitch Perfect 2" on Amazon here*
*Get the Pitch Perfect Trilogy on Amazon here*
*Get "Pitch Perfect 2" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
*Get "Pitch Perfect 2" wall decor on Amazon here*
The Barden Bellas are back, and the comedy is cranked up in this sequel that is just as good as the first film.
After their triumph in that first film, the a capella group led by Beca (Anna Kendrick) are performing for the President and First Lady when a set malfunction results in Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson) flashing her goods to the world. The group is suspended from competing in domestic singing contests and auditioning for new singers, which is kind of okay with Beca as she has just started an internship at a recording studio run by a hotshot producer (a very funny Keegan-Michael Key). The Bellas' tour is taken over by a group from Germany, and the Bellas return home to recover. They accept legacy pledge Emily (Hailee Steinfeld), who composes her own songs, and then prepare to compete at the world championship a capella competition in Copenhagen. No American group has ever won it (the rest of the world hates us), and if the Bellas pull it off, they will be reinstated. The Bellas are not ready, and continue their downward spiral until they are whipped into shape by a former leader and deal with their own internal struggles and issues.
While I was surprised I enjoyed the first film as much as I did, I laughed out loud much more here. There is plenty of subplot to go around, and the addition of the new characters like Emily and Guatemalan Flo (Chrissie Fit) feels right. It's hilarious that Chloe (Brittany Snow) continues to flunk a Russian literature class to stay in school, and the Bellas, since the group is now her entire life. Bumper (Adam Devine) returns, as well as sympathetic Benji (Ben Platt) and Beca's still-boyfriend Jesse (Skylar Astin, who is not given nearly as much to do this time around). Screenwriter Kay Cannon could have taken the easy way out and simply moved the Bellas up to a bigger competition, but instead the conflict and the group's comfortable conceit with themselves was a good direction. Elizabeth Banks doesn't overdo her supporting role with John Michael Higgins, but they score big laughs as the a capella overseers and commentators. Beca continues to work on her dream of becoming a music producer before her new boss puts her in her place, calling her demos a bunch of mash-ups, and forcing her to try more original material- luckily Emily is waiting in the wings with that one perfect song she's been working on. This message flies in the face of the first film, where music from the recent past was highlighted, and Beca's "derivative" mash-ups were more listenable than most of pop radio today. Another quibble is the riff-off scene featuring David Cross. Some funny stuff for sure, but the bit feels dropped in, and the odd character and his competition never seem to jibe with the main thrust of the film. There are a lot of good scenes here, running jokes that continually work like Beca's inability to insult the German group's female lead singer thanks to a girl crush, Higgins' John's misogyny, Flo's comparison of her horrific upbringing to the Bellas' problems; and physical slapstick- the camp retreat, Fat Amy's canoeing song to Bumper- all works thanks to Banks' direction. The musical numbers aren't as long or prevalent in this sequel, the screenplay plays up the comedic aspect more, and I found just as many quotable lines here as I did in the first film.
"Pitch Perfect 2" did lead to a third installment that didn't do too well a couple of years later. If you liked the first one, you'll like this one.
Stats:
(2015) 115 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Elizabeth Banks
-Written by Kay Cannon based on the book by Mickey Rapkin
-Cast: Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Hailee Steinfeld, Brittany Snow, Skylar Astin, Adam Devine, Katey Sagal, Anna Camp, Ben Platt, Alexis Knapp, Hana Mae Lee, Ester Dean, Chrissie Fit
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: Theatrical
*Get the Pitch Perfect Trilogy on Amazon here*
*Get "Pitch Perfect 2" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
*Get "Pitch Perfect 2" wall decor on Amazon here*
The Barden Bellas are back, and the comedy is cranked up in this sequel that is just as good as the first film.
After their triumph in that first film, the a capella group led by Beca (Anna Kendrick) are performing for the President and First Lady when a set malfunction results in Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson) flashing her goods to the world. The group is suspended from competing in domestic singing contests and auditioning for new singers, which is kind of okay with Beca as she has just started an internship at a recording studio run by a hotshot producer (a very funny Keegan-Michael Key). The Bellas' tour is taken over by a group from Germany, and the Bellas return home to recover. They accept legacy pledge Emily (Hailee Steinfeld), who composes her own songs, and then prepare to compete at the world championship a capella competition in Copenhagen. No American group has ever won it (the rest of the world hates us), and if the Bellas pull it off, they will be reinstated. The Bellas are not ready, and continue their downward spiral until they are whipped into shape by a former leader and deal with their own internal struggles and issues.
While I was surprised I enjoyed the first film as much as I did, I laughed out loud much more here. There is plenty of subplot to go around, and the addition of the new characters like Emily and Guatemalan Flo (Chrissie Fit) feels right. It's hilarious that Chloe (Brittany Snow) continues to flunk a Russian literature class to stay in school, and the Bellas, since the group is now her entire life. Bumper (Adam Devine) returns, as well as sympathetic Benji (Ben Platt) and Beca's still-boyfriend Jesse (Skylar Astin, who is not given nearly as much to do this time around). Screenwriter Kay Cannon could have taken the easy way out and simply moved the Bellas up to a bigger competition, but instead the conflict and the group's comfortable conceit with themselves was a good direction. Elizabeth Banks doesn't overdo her supporting role with John Michael Higgins, but they score big laughs as the a capella overseers and commentators. Beca continues to work on her dream of becoming a music producer before her new boss puts her in her place, calling her demos a bunch of mash-ups, and forcing her to try more original material- luckily Emily is waiting in the wings with that one perfect song she's been working on. This message flies in the face of the first film, where music from the recent past was highlighted, and Beca's "derivative" mash-ups were more listenable than most of pop radio today. Another quibble is the riff-off scene featuring David Cross. Some funny stuff for sure, but the bit feels dropped in, and the odd character and his competition never seem to jibe with the main thrust of the film. There are a lot of good scenes here, running jokes that continually work like Beca's inability to insult the German group's female lead singer thanks to a girl crush, Higgins' John's misogyny, Flo's comparison of her horrific upbringing to the Bellas' problems; and physical slapstick- the camp retreat, Fat Amy's canoeing song to Bumper- all works thanks to Banks' direction. The musical numbers aren't as long or prevalent in this sequel, the screenplay plays up the comedic aspect more, and I found just as many quotable lines here as I did in the first film.
"Pitch Perfect 2" did lead to a third installment that didn't do too well a couple of years later. If you liked the first one, you'll like this one.
Stats:
(2015) 115 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Elizabeth Banks
-Written by Kay Cannon based on the book by Mickey Rapkin
-Cast: Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Hailee Steinfeld, Brittany Snow, Skylar Astin, Adam Devine, Katey Sagal, Anna Camp, Ben Platt, Alexis Knapp, Hana Mae Lee, Ester Dean, Chrissie Fit
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: Theatrical
Wednesday, July 30, 2025
The Other Woman (2014)
*Get "The Other Woman" on Amazon here*
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*Get "9 to 5" on Amazon here*
Three women take revenge on a jerk man in a film that is neither "9 to 5" or "The First Wives Club."
Carly (Cameron Diaz) is a Columbia Law School graduate living in New York City. She is unlucky at love until she meets Mark (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). He's seemingly perfect, but also mysteriously stand-offish, and one night cancels a dinner with Carly and her father (Don Johnson) because of plumbing issues at his house in Connecticut. Carly shows up uninvited at the house, dressed like Sexy Plumber, but instead meets Mark's ditzy wife Kate (Leslie Mann). Mark is always away on business, and clueless Kate has no idea he is cheating on her. Kate forces herself into Carly's life, trying to get advice on what to do with her husband; all of her suburban friends are more concerned with keeping their husbands happy (the film is saying if you are a stay-at-home wife or mother, you are an idiot). Eventually, Carly and Kate discover yet another mistress, Amber (Kate Upton...sigh...) and the trio band together to teach that jerk man of theirs a lesson through hair removal cream in the shampoo, female hormones in his daily smoothies, and uncovering his prerequisite shady financial dealings.
At one point, while watching this movie, I turned to my then-fiancee/now-wife and said something to the effect that if she was anything like Leslie Mann's character, I would cheat on her, too. Kate is not just ditzy, she is annoying, shrill, possibly has special mental needs, and the viewer shouldn't be watching this and agreeing with her jerk husband's treatment of her, or understanding why he is stepping out on her. Diaz isn't given a character to play, her function is to deliver lines and move the story forward. Her role has a name, but I couldn't tell you one characteristic about Carly when this was done, except she is stuck with the awful Nicki Minaj as a sassy, seen-it-all secretary who only exists in bad movies like this. Kate Upton shows up so late in the film, I kept checking the DVD cover to make sure she really was third-billed. Upton isn't very good, either, but my aforementioned fiancee kept telling me to wipe the stupid grin off my face every time her character was onscreen. The story, written by a woman, borrows heavily from the superior "9 to 5" (right down to a "where are they now?" ending that will make you cringe), and the abysmal "The First Wives Club" (where women show their ex-husbands that they can go through their new lives independent and strong, with a little help from the poor jerks' checkbooks). I could have bought the trio as a little stronger; in "9 to 5" all three women were smart and funny, and took revenge on their boss over what he had done to their personal lives and careers. Mark is a horrible man, but we never know why the three fell for him to begin with, unless surface charm is all it takes these days, and after a while I didn't care what they did to him, I just wanted Upton to put a bikini back on. There's a subplot about Amber and Carly discovering their "true loves," and I called that one as soon as their future beau characters were introduced.
"The Other Woman" plays it safe, when there is so much potential. It's lethally unfunny and totally forgettable.
Stats:
(2014) 109 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Nick Cassavetes
-Written by Melissa K. Stack
-Cast: Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Kate Upton, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Don Johnson, Nicki Minaj, Taylor Kinney, Ken Maharaj, Alyshia Ochse, Victor Cruz, Madison McKinley, David Thornton, Olivia Culpo
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: DVD
*Get "The Other Woman" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get Kate Upton wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get "9 to 5" on Amazon here*
Three women take revenge on a jerk man in a film that is neither "9 to 5" or "The First Wives Club."
Carly (Cameron Diaz) is a Columbia Law School graduate living in New York City. She is unlucky at love until she meets Mark (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). He's seemingly perfect, but also mysteriously stand-offish, and one night cancels a dinner with Carly and her father (Don Johnson) because of plumbing issues at his house in Connecticut. Carly shows up uninvited at the house, dressed like Sexy Plumber, but instead meets Mark's ditzy wife Kate (Leslie Mann). Mark is always away on business, and clueless Kate has no idea he is cheating on her. Kate forces herself into Carly's life, trying to get advice on what to do with her husband; all of her suburban friends are more concerned with keeping their husbands happy (the film is saying if you are a stay-at-home wife or mother, you are an idiot). Eventually, Carly and Kate discover yet another mistress, Amber (Kate Upton...sigh...) and the trio band together to teach that jerk man of theirs a lesson through hair removal cream in the shampoo, female hormones in his daily smoothies, and uncovering his prerequisite shady financial dealings.
At one point, while watching this movie, I turned to my then-fiancee/now-wife and said something to the effect that if she was anything like Leslie Mann's character, I would cheat on her, too. Kate is not just ditzy, she is annoying, shrill, possibly has special mental needs, and the viewer shouldn't be watching this and agreeing with her jerk husband's treatment of her, or understanding why he is stepping out on her. Diaz isn't given a character to play, her function is to deliver lines and move the story forward. Her role has a name, but I couldn't tell you one characteristic about Carly when this was done, except she is stuck with the awful Nicki Minaj as a sassy, seen-it-all secretary who only exists in bad movies like this. Kate Upton shows up so late in the film, I kept checking the DVD cover to make sure she really was third-billed. Upton isn't very good, either, but my aforementioned fiancee kept telling me to wipe the stupid grin off my face every time her character was onscreen. The story, written by a woman, borrows heavily from the superior "9 to 5" (right down to a "where are they now?" ending that will make you cringe), and the abysmal "The First Wives Club" (where women show their ex-husbands that they can go through their new lives independent and strong, with a little help from the poor jerks' checkbooks). I could have bought the trio as a little stronger; in "9 to 5" all three women were smart and funny, and took revenge on their boss over what he had done to their personal lives and careers. Mark is a horrible man, but we never know why the three fell for him to begin with, unless surface charm is all it takes these days, and after a while I didn't care what they did to him, I just wanted Upton to put a bikini back on. There's a subplot about Amber and Carly discovering their "true loves," and I called that one as soon as their future beau characters were introduced.
"The Other Woman" plays it safe, when there is so much potential. It's lethally unfunny and totally forgettable.
Stats:
(2014) 109 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Nick Cassavetes
-Written by Melissa K. Stack
-Cast: Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Kate Upton, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Don Johnson, Nicki Minaj, Taylor Kinney, Ken Maharaj, Alyshia Ochse, Victor Cruz, Madison McKinley, David Thornton, Olivia Culpo
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: DVD
Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! (1989)
*Get Silent Night, Deadly Night Collection (Parts 3, 4, 5) on Amazon here*
*Get Monte Hellman: His Life and Films by Brad Stevens on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night" on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" on Amazon here*
In order to revitalize this sick franchise, the film makers rip off "Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood"- as if that series was one to emulate.
Laura (Samantha Scully), a blind psychic girl, makes a connection with the comatose Ricky (Bill Moseley), who survived the second film. We begin to see more flashbacks from the FIRST film, where they decide it was Ricky, not Billy, who remembers the Santa Claus attack and the deaths of his parents. If I have to see Tara Buckman get her top ripped off and her throat slit one more time, I will deck the halls with the rest of this video series. The film makers have also changed the ending to the last film by having Ricky suffering from a gunshot wound to the head. This necessitates a bowl on his head in order to protect his exposed brain. Nothing scarier that a maniacal killer skulking around with what looks like a gelatin salad placed on the old cranium. Ricky wakes up, is still set off by the color red, and hunts down Laura. She is now at Psychic Granny's (Elizabeth Hoffman) house with her brother and his new girlfriend- who adds to the confusion by looking exactly like Laura. Detective Connely (Robert Culp, who should've investigated how his career came to this) and a scientist are hot on the trail of Ricky, who wanders around L.A. and surrounding areas with his salad bowl helmet on.
The next two sequels in this straight-to-video series have nothing to do with Billy and Ricky and their propensity for dressing like a beloved children's icon and hacking topless women to death. God bless us each and every one, except for "Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!". On a side note, if you get Culp's deja vu joke, then you are a better person than I. Followed by Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation.
Stats:
(1990) 90 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Monte Hellman
-Screenplay by Rex Weiner from a story by Rex Weiner & Monte Hellman and Arthur Gorson
-Cast: Samantha Scully, Bill Moseley, Robert Culp, Richard Beymer, Elizabeth Hoffman, Richard C. Adams, Eric DaRe, Leonard Mann, Laura Harring, Jim Ladd, Richard N. Gladstein, Monte Hellman, Thomas Herod Jr.
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get Monte Hellman: His Life and Films by Brad Stevens on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night" on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" on Amazon here*
In order to revitalize this sick franchise, the film makers rip off "Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood"- as if that series was one to emulate.
Laura (Samantha Scully), a blind psychic girl, makes a connection with the comatose Ricky (Bill Moseley), who survived the second film. We begin to see more flashbacks from the FIRST film, where they decide it was Ricky, not Billy, who remembers the Santa Claus attack and the deaths of his parents. If I have to see Tara Buckman get her top ripped off and her throat slit one more time, I will deck the halls with the rest of this video series. The film makers have also changed the ending to the last film by having Ricky suffering from a gunshot wound to the head. This necessitates a bowl on his head in order to protect his exposed brain. Nothing scarier that a maniacal killer skulking around with what looks like a gelatin salad placed on the old cranium. Ricky wakes up, is still set off by the color red, and hunts down Laura. She is now at Psychic Granny's (Elizabeth Hoffman) house with her brother and his new girlfriend- who adds to the confusion by looking exactly like Laura. Detective Connely (Robert Culp, who should've investigated how his career came to this) and a scientist are hot on the trail of Ricky, who wanders around L.A. and surrounding areas with his salad bowl helmet on.
The next two sequels in this straight-to-video series have nothing to do with Billy and Ricky and their propensity for dressing like a beloved children's icon and hacking topless women to death. God bless us each and every one, except for "Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!". On a side note, if you get Culp's deja vu joke, then you are a better person than I. Followed by Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation.
Stats:
(1990) 90 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Monte Hellman
-Screenplay by Rex Weiner from a story by Rex Weiner & Monte Hellman and Arthur Gorson
-Cast: Samantha Scully, Bill Moseley, Robert Culp, Richard Beymer, Elizabeth Hoffman, Richard C. Adams, Eric DaRe, Leonard Mann, Laura Harring, Jim Ladd, Richard N. Gladstein, Monte Hellman, Thomas Herod Jr.
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Prom Night III: The Last Kiss (1990)
*Get Prom Night III: The Last Kiss/Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil Double Feature DVD on Amazon here*
*Get "Prom Night" (1980) on Amazon here*
*Get "Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II" on Amazon here*
*Get "Prom Night" (2008) on Amazon here*
In the third, but not the last, entry in the series, the horror is played for laughs.
Alex (Tim Conlon) is an average high school student, and he is tired of it. His height is average, his shoe size is average, his grades are average- there is nothing special about him except his relationships with his girlfriend Sarah (Cynthia Preston) and best friend Shane (David Stratton). Luckily, Mary Lou Maloney (Courtney Taylor) has escaped from hell and is headed back to her old high school. Mary Lou was wronged in the past and decides to help Alex. He is soon the star of the football team, making the honor roll, and has the love of Mary Lou to thank for it all. The problem is Mary Lou is killing those who have hindered Alex in the past, and Alex is burying the bodies in the school's football field. Alex's parents celebrate their son's newfound popularity and scholastic abilities by giving him a motorcycle, but Sarah and Shane have cut themselves off from him, not knowing who he is anymore. The school's prom is fast approaching, and the bodies start turning up.
When a horror comedy works, it can really work. Some of Stuart Gordon's films come to mind, or Tobe Hooper's. "Ghostbusters" wasn't perfect, but it had laughs. This film has the distinction of failing as both a comedy and a horror film. While two people are credited with directing, some of the camera angles do not work. The physical placement of the camera is wrong for many scenes, like when shoved in the face of actor Conlon. One time is enough, but the film makers revert back to this angle often. The script has few funny scenes, and the gallows humor never works. The actors are okay, but they are five to ten years too old for their parts. The special effects are shoddy- cheap glowing animation punctuates cheap gore effects. I can see that this started as a really bizarre bloodbath, but it is trapped by its sequel origins, and never gets going. The finale is predictable and dopey.
"Prom Night III: The Last Kiss" sucks. Hello Mary Lou, goodbye an hour and a half of my life.
Stats:
(1990) 97 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Ron Oliver, Peter R. Simpson
-Written by Ron Oliver
-Cast: Tim Conlon, Cynthia Preston, David Stratton, Courtney Taylor, Dylan Neal, Jeremy Ratchford, Roger Dunn, Tom Nursall, George Chuvalo, London Juno, Lesley Kelly, Terry Doyle, Robert Collins
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Prom Night" (1980) on Amazon here*
*Get "Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II" on Amazon here*
*Get "Prom Night" (2008) on Amazon here*
In the third, but not the last, entry in the series, the horror is played for laughs.
Alex (Tim Conlon) is an average high school student, and he is tired of it. His height is average, his shoe size is average, his grades are average- there is nothing special about him except his relationships with his girlfriend Sarah (Cynthia Preston) and best friend Shane (David Stratton). Luckily, Mary Lou Maloney (Courtney Taylor) has escaped from hell and is headed back to her old high school. Mary Lou was wronged in the past and decides to help Alex. He is soon the star of the football team, making the honor roll, and has the love of Mary Lou to thank for it all. The problem is Mary Lou is killing those who have hindered Alex in the past, and Alex is burying the bodies in the school's football field. Alex's parents celebrate their son's newfound popularity and scholastic abilities by giving him a motorcycle, but Sarah and Shane have cut themselves off from him, not knowing who he is anymore. The school's prom is fast approaching, and the bodies start turning up.
When a horror comedy works, it can really work. Some of Stuart Gordon's films come to mind, or Tobe Hooper's. "Ghostbusters" wasn't perfect, but it had laughs. This film has the distinction of failing as both a comedy and a horror film. While two people are credited with directing, some of the camera angles do not work. The physical placement of the camera is wrong for many scenes, like when shoved in the face of actor Conlon. One time is enough, but the film makers revert back to this angle often. The script has few funny scenes, and the gallows humor never works. The actors are okay, but they are five to ten years too old for their parts. The special effects are shoddy- cheap glowing animation punctuates cheap gore effects. I can see that this started as a really bizarre bloodbath, but it is trapped by its sequel origins, and never gets going. The finale is predictable and dopey.
"Prom Night III: The Last Kiss" sucks. Hello Mary Lou, goodbye an hour and a half of my life.
Stats:
(1990) 97 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Ron Oliver, Peter R. Simpson
-Written by Ron Oliver
-Cast: Tim Conlon, Cynthia Preston, David Stratton, Courtney Taylor, Dylan Neal, Jeremy Ratchford, Roger Dunn, Tom Nursall, George Chuvalo, London Juno, Lesley Kelly, Terry Doyle, Robert Collins
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Tuesday, July 29, 2025
Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge (1989)
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*Get Abandoned Malls of America: Crumbling Commerce Left Behind by Seph Lawless on Amazon here*
Somewhere between the food court and Zip's, the mall in this film has an explosives store. This is the only place the title character can purchase the bomb he plants in the dull finale.
A fictional town has a new mall, built on some land that was condemned. Cute Girl (I didn't catch her name) gets a job as a waitress there. She lost her boyfriend Eric (Derek Rydall) in a fire at the site where the mall stands. The villainous mall owner hires the arsonist responsible for the fire as a security guard after his first security guard ends up dead. Peter (Rob Estes) is a photog/reporter trying to find a story. He hooks up with Cute Girl and their mutual "funny" friend Buzz (Pauly Shore), and try to find out if Eric is still alive. He is, living in the mall basement (?) and traveling through the air ducts and offing different people who upset his former girlfriend, including the arsonist. Morgan Fairchild is along for the ride as the town mayor, Karen.
You probably did not need a plot sketch since the entire story is in the title. Someone named Eric is taking revenge against people as a phantom of a mall. This also means there is no suspense. We know Eric is behind this, but we still have to see Peter and Cute Girl go through the motions of a silly investigation. Watch as Mayor Karen, who we know has been in cahoots with the mall owner all along, pull a gun on our heroic duo in the middle of a crowded party, yet no one says a word as she leads them to her office. The fictional town is huge, but no policeman is ever called- everyone relies on mall security for order. Eric has been hiding since the mall was built, but I am not sure where. He seems to live in a basement area, but you would think some construction worker would have found him. He also has furnished his pad quite well, and found a few outlets since he has electricity.
This film is not Eric's revenge, it is the film maker's revenge on me for being dumb enough to watch it.
Stats:
(1989) 91 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Richard Friedman
-Screenplay by Scott Schneid & Tony Michelman and Robert King, Story by Scott Schneid & Frederick R. Ulrich
-Cast: Derek Rydall, Jonathan Goldsmith, Rob Estes, Pauly Shore, Morgan Fairchild, Ken Foree, Kimber Sissons, Gregory Scott Cummins, Tom Fridley, Kari Whitman, John Walter Davis, Dante D'Andre, Terrence Evans
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux on Amazon here*
*Get Abandoned Malls of America: Crumbling Commerce Left Behind by Seph Lawless on Amazon here*
Somewhere between the food court and Zip's, the mall in this film has an explosives store. This is the only place the title character can purchase the bomb he plants in the dull finale.
A fictional town has a new mall, built on some land that was condemned. Cute Girl (I didn't catch her name) gets a job as a waitress there. She lost her boyfriend Eric (Derek Rydall) in a fire at the site where the mall stands. The villainous mall owner hires the arsonist responsible for the fire as a security guard after his first security guard ends up dead. Peter (Rob Estes) is a photog/reporter trying to find a story. He hooks up with Cute Girl and their mutual "funny" friend Buzz (Pauly Shore), and try to find out if Eric is still alive. He is, living in the mall basement (?) and traveling through the air ducts and offing different people who upset his former girlfriend, including the arsonist. Morgan Fairchild is along for the ride as the town mayor, Karen.
You probably did not need a plot sketch since the entire story is in the title. Someone named Eric is taking revenge against people as a phantom of a mall. This also means there is no suspense. We know Eric is behind this, but we still have to see Peter and Cute Girl go through the motions of a silly investigation. Watch as Mayor Karen, who we know has been in cahoots with the mall owner all along, pull a gun on our heroic duo in the middle of a crowded party, yet no one says a word as she leads them to her office. The fictional town is huge, but no policeman is ever called- everyone relies on mall security for order. Eric has been hiding since the mall was built, but I am not sure where. He seems to live in a basement area, but you would think some construction worker would have found him. He also has furnished his pad quite well, and found a few outlets since he has electricity.
This film is not Eric's revenge, it is the film maker's revenge on me for being dumb enough to watch it.
Stats:
(1989) 91 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Richard Friedman
-Screenplay by Scott Schneid & Tony Michelman and Robert King, Story by Scott Schneid & Frederick R. Ulrich
-Cast: Derek Rydall, Jonathan Goldsmith, Rob Estes, Pauly Shore, Morgan Fairchild, Ken Foree, Kimber Sissons, Gregory Scott Cummins, Tom Fridley, Kari Whitman, John Walter Davis, Dante D'Andre, Terrence Evans
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Offerings (1989)
*Get "Offerings" on Amazon here*
*Watch "Lethal Justice" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get Hollywood Power Stats: The Essential Facts and Figures of the Motion Picture Industry 1994 by Christopher Reynolds on Amazon here*
*Get "Halloween" (1978) on Amazon here*
Here is the basic plot, with spoilers: a young boy is psychologically scarred and kills a family member. Years later, he escapes from a mental hospital after attacking a nurse, and heads back to his old hometown. A psychology professional and the local sheriff track him. Cut to the hometown, where the friends of a pretty student begin disappearing, all being murdered, with suspenseful keyboard music in the background. One of her friends is killed in the front seat of a car. The psych guy goes to the cemetery and finds out the killer's family member's grave has been vandalized. Meanwhile, the sheriff visits the killer's old house, now boarded up and abandoned. Eventually, the killer tracks pretty student to her house. Bullets cannot stop this guy, and he ends the film supposedly dead on the lawn. "Wait a minute, you big silly...this is the plot to 'Halloween,' why is it listed under this other movie called 'Offerings'?" Because this film rips off "Halloween" so much that writer/director Christopher Reynolds should've retained a lawyer.
There are a few differences between the films, very few. The psych guy gets killed in this (after handing the killer a nice heavy metallic flashlight to be beaten with). The sheriff here weighs at least 300 pounds. He resembles me, except he has more hair, and I have a brain. Our ditzy heroine, Gretchen (Loretta Leigh Bowman), is so worried about her friends disappearing and spare body parts turning up in her front yard, it is all she can do to put on half-shirts and Capri pants and wait for the police to arrive. The sheriff, not wanting to panic the girls, collects a severed ear and a severed nose by scooping them into a plastic baggie like he was picking up dog poop- or was it this script? Forget a crime scene, this guy has more important things to do- like bust a teen in the abandoned house for reading porn, as unnecessary a scene as there ever was.
The acting is terrible. This was filmed in Oklahoma, and half the time the cast sounds like they are trying to cover their accents and not succeeding. Reynolds rips off John Carpenter's superior film constantly, from the basic plot to assorted wide shots with hard-to-see action occurring at a suburban house. The gore is weak, and the onscreen action is pretty bad. The entire cast sits around and waits to get killed. The killer is taking revenge for a wrong done to him by his victims when they were kids. The problem is the kids are never identified (except Gretchen), and you have no idea who they grew up to be. Instead, we see a bunch of students getting killed, and you do not know if they were involved in the young killer falling down a well or not. The opening scenes, where the young killer is abused by his mother, is offensive to say the least. The mother is killed off-camera, we must hear about it later from a minor character. The musical score is not just really similar to John Carpenter's score- it IS John Carpenter's score. There may be a few differences here and there, but not enough for "Offerings" to list an original score in its credits.
On top of all the blatant copying of a superior film, this film does not stand up as good bad horror. No scares, weak gore, unsympathetic characters, and at ninety-five minutes, this film is ninety-five minutes too long.
Stats:
(1989) 95 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Christopher Reynolds
-Cast: Loretta Leigh Bowman, Elizabeth Greene, G. Michael Smith, Jerry Brewer, Tobe Sexton, Max Burnett, Doobie Potter, Rayette Potts, Mark Massey, Jackie Shaw, Chasen Hampton, Barry Brown, Heather Scott
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Watch "Lethal Justice" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get Hollywood Power Stats: The Essential Facts and Figures of the Motion Picture Industry 1994 by Christopher Reynolds on Amazon here*
*Get "Halloween" (1978) on Amazon here*
Here is the basic plot, with spoilers: a young boy is psychologically scarred and kills a family member. Years later, he escapes from a mental hospital after attacking a nurse, and heads back to his old hometown. A psychology professional and the local sheriff track him. Cut to the hometown, where the friends of a pretty student begin disappearing, all being murdered, with suspenseful keyboard music in the background. One of her friends is killed in the front seat of a car. The psych guy goes to the cemetery and finds out the killer's family member's grave has been vandalized. Meanwhile, the sheriff visits the killer's old house, now boarded up and abandoned. Eventually, the killer tracks pretty student to her house. Bullets cannot stop this guy, and he ends the film supposedly dead on the lawn. "Wait a minute, you big silly...this is the plot to 'Halloween,' why is it listed under this other movie called 'Offerings'?" Because this film rips off "Halloween" so much that writer/director Christopher Reynolds should've retained a lawyer.
There are a few differences between the films, very few. The psych guy gets killed in this (after handing the killer a nice heavy metallic flashlight to be beaten with). The sheriff here weighs at least 300 pounds. He resembles me, except he has more hair, and I have a brain. Our ditzy heroine, Gretchen (Loretta Leigh Bowman), is so worried about her friends disappearing and spare body parts turning up in her front yard, it is all she can do to put on half-shirts and Capri pants and wait for the police to arrive. The sheriff, not wanting to panic the girls, collects a severed ear and a severed nose by scooping them into a plastic baggie like he was picking up dog poop- or was it this script? Forget a crime scene, this guy has more important things to do- like bust a teen in the abandoned house for reading porn, as unnecessary a scene as there ever was.
The acting is terrible. This was filmed in Oklahoma, and half the time the cast sounds like they are trying to cover their accents and not succeeding. Reynolds rips off John Carpenter's superior film constantly, from the basic plot to assorted wide shots with hard-to-see action occurring at a suburban house. The gore is weak, and the onscreen action is pretty bad. The entire cast sits around and waits to get killed. The killer is taking revenge for a wrong done to him by his victims when they were kids. The problem is the kids are never identified (except Gretchen), and you have no idea who they grew up to be. Instead, we see a bunch of students getting killed, and you do not know if they were involved in the young killer falling down a well or not. The opening scenes, where the young killer is abused by his mother, is offensive to say the least. The mother is killed off-camera, we must hear about it later from a minor character. The musical score is not just really similar to John Carpenter's score- it IS John Carpenter's score. There may be a few differences here and there, but not enough for "Offerings" to list an original score in its credits.
On top of all the blatant copying of a superior film, this film does not stand up as good bad horror. No scares, weak gore, unsympathetic characters, and at ninety-five minutes, this film is ninety-five minutes too long.
Stats:
(1989) 95 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Christopher Reynolds
-Cast: Loretta Leigh Bowman, Elizabeth Greene, G. Michael Smith, Jerry Brewer, Tobe Sexton, Max Burnett, Doobie Potter, Rayette Potts, Mark Massey, Jackie Shaw, Chasen Hampton, Barry Brown, Heather Scott
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Satisfaction (1988)
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*Get "Satisfaction" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
*Get Fame: The Hijacking of Reality by Justine Bateman on Amazon here*
*Get Face: One Square Foot of Skin by Justine Bateman on Amazon here*
Best known as Julia Roberts' worst film (beating out a lot of competition), this fiasco is eligible for many other worst lists: Worst Liam Neeson Film, Worst Film of 1988, Worst Use of a Rolling Stones Song, and Worst Way to Spend Ninety-Two Minutes Excluding Watching Reality Shows or Porn.
Garage band Jennie Lee and the Mystery (their success is a Mystery, their talent is a Mystery- trust me, I've run the course of those jokes) is led by Jennie (Justine Bateman), a smart girl fresh out of high school- Bateman was 22 when this was released. The other cliches in her band include bad girl Mooch (Trini Alvarado), dumb junkie Billy (Britta Phillips), pretty woman Daryle (Julia Roberts), and token dude Nickie (Scott Coffey). The group, based in the mean streets of what looks like Baltimore, heads to the beach to audition as the house band for Martin Falcon's (Liam Neeson) bar. Since even their jam sessions sound like professional recordings, they get the gig, and complications ensue. Jennie wants to go to college but falls for Martin- a washed-up, drunken songwriter mourning his wife's death. Mooch and Nickie grow closer. Billy takes drugs, preparing herself for the overdose scene you know is coming. Daryle is attracted to rich law student Josh (Kevin Haley), forgetting hometown boyfriend Frankie (Chris Nash). It's tough when the band has to play three or four songs a night, never sleep, and come up with enough bad performances to make the audience stare in amazement. A possible European tour arises- two World Wars, and now this?- and the band must grow up and do some hard thinking about where they want to be at the end of the summer.
This film is infamously bad. The fact that Roberts and Neeson escaped this unscathed is a miracle. Some of my best friends are musicians, and this film is so far removed from the reality of playing live in a bar, it's science fiction/fantasy. Every time Bateman opens her mouth to sing, the sound production is there and all background noise is silenced. In the creaky van on the way to Martin's bar, the "improvised" jam session is crystal clear. It's funny because we are treated to a high school graduation speech where Jennie tears into her fellow students, telling them not to be like generations before, and to get off their butts and make a difference in this lousy world- and then she spends the rest of the film singing old rock-'n'-roll songs from the same "lazy" generations they shouldn't emulate. Aside from "satisfaction," most of the words spoken in the painful dialogue have just one syllable. It's as if the screenwriters transcribed a twelve year old girl's diary, and submitted the result. The comedic scenes fall flat (the volleyball game), but they pale in comparison to the ludicrous melodrama. Debbie Harry wanders in for a ten second cameo. The gang members looking for Mooch resemble rejects from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video, complete with tough blonde highlights and villainous bandannas.
This was released to television as "Girls of Summer" to hide the fact that it bombed theatrically. I'm still trying to get the reggae version of "Mr. Big Stuff" out of my head- do yourselves a favor, don't get no "Satisfaction."
Stats:
(1988) 92 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Joan Freeman
-Written by Charles Purpura, Chris Maes
-Cast: Justine Bateman, Liam Neeson, Trini Alvarado, Julia Roberts, Debbie Harry, Britta Phillips, Scott Coffey, Kevin Haley, Chris Nash, Michael DeLorenzo, Tom O'Brien, Peter Craig, Steve Cropper
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Satisfaction" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
*Get Fame: The Hijacking of Reality by Justine Bateman on Amazon here*
*Get Face: One Square Foot of Skin by Justine Bateman on Amazon here*
Best known as Julia Roberts' worst film (beating out a lot of competition), this fiasco is eligible for many other worst lists: Worst Liam Neeson Film, Worst Film of 1988, Worst Use of a Rolling Stones Song, and Worst Way to Spend Ninety-Two Minutes Excluding Watching Reality Shows or Porn.
Garage band Jennie Lee and the Mystery (their success is a Mystery, their talent is a Mystery- trust me, I've run the course of those jokes) is led by Jennie (Justine Bateman), a smart girl fresh out of high school- Bateman was 22 when this was released. The other cliches in her band include bad girl Mooch (Trini Alvarado), dumb junkie Billy (Britta Phillips), pretty woman Daryle (Julia Roberts), and token dude Nickie (Scott Coffey). The group, based in the mean streets of what looks like Baltimore, heads to the beach to audition as the house band for Martin Falcon's (Liam Neeson) bar. Since even their jam sessions sound like professional recordings, they get the gig, and complications ensue. Jennie wants to go to college but falls for Martin- a washed-up, drunken songwriter mourning his wife's death. Mooch and Nickie grow closer. Billy takes drugs, preparing herself for the overdose scene you know is coming. Daryle is attracted to rich law student Josh (Kevin Haley), forgetting hometown boyfriend Frankie (Chris Nash). It's tough when the band has to play three or four songs a night, never sleep, and come up with enough bad performances to make the audience stare in amazement. A possible European tour arises- two World Wars, and now this?- and the band must grow up and do some hard thinking about where they want to be at the end of the summer.
This film is infamously bad. The fact that Roberts and Neeson escaped this unscathed is a miracle. Some of my best friends are musicians, and this film is so far removed from the reality of playing live in a bar, it's science fiction/fantasy. Every time Bateman opens her mouth to sing, the sound production is there and all background noise is silenced. In the creaky van on the way to Martin's bar, the "improvised" jam session is crystal clear. It's funny because we are treated to a high school graduation speech where Jennie tears into her fellow students, telling them not to be like generations before, and to get off their butts and make a difference in this lousy world- and then she spends the rest of the film singing old rock-'n'-roll songs from the same "lazy" generations they shouldn't emulate. Aside from "satisfaction," most of the words spoken in the painful dialogue have just one syllable. It's as if the screenwriters transcribed a twelve year old girl's diary, and submitted the result. The comedic scenes fall flat (the volleyball game), but they pale in comparison to the ludicrous melodrama. Debbie Harry wanders in for a ten second cameo. The gang members looking for Mooch resemble rejects from Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video, complete with tough blonde highlights and villainous bandannas.
This was released to television as "Girls of Summer" to hide the fact that it bombed theatrically. I'm still trying to get the reggae version of "Mr. Big Stuff" out of my head- do yourselves a favor, don't get no "Satisfaction."
Stats:
(1988) 92 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Joan Freeman
-Written by Charles Purpura, Chris Maes
-Cast: Justine Bateman, Liam Neeson, Trini Alvarado, Julia Roberts, Debbie Harry, Britta Phillips, Scott Coffey, Kevin Haley, Chris Nash, Michael DeLorenzo, Tom O'Brien, Peter Craig, Steve Cropper
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: VHS
Monday, July 28, 2025
Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night" on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night" wall decor on Amazon here*
After my viewing of the first film, I did not think the sequel could be any worse. I was wrong.
This 88 minute film rehashes the first film by flashback for the first 40 minutes- yes, that's four names in the story credit for what amounts to half a film. Not only does it cover the plot, it shows all the awful scenes that made the first one so bad.
In a mental hospital, adult Ricky (Eric Freeman) is talking to a psychiatrist (James Newman) about his Santa-dressing killer brother Billy. Ricky has a good memory, since he repeats scenes that neither him nor his brother witnessed, and the film makers change the plot of the first film to suit their needs. Ricky also seems to have taken some classes on how to play a character completely wrong. His scenes with the psychiatrist are terrible. Ricky escapes to take revenge on the first film's Mother Superior (Jean Miller). He is sent into murderous rages by the color red- you know that color, you probably go days on end without ever seeing? Ricky dresses like Santa, and begins hacking and killing.
This has gained a "so bad it's good" reputation over the years, but "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" is just as awful as the first film, and just as repugnant. Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!".
Stats:
(1987) 88 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Lee Harry
-Screenplay by Lee Harry and Joseph H. Earle, Story by Lee Harry and Joseph H. Earle and Dennis Patterson and Lawrence Applebaum, based on characters created by Michael Hickey and Paul Caimi
-Cast: Eric Freeman, James Newman, Elizabeth Kaitan, Jean Miller, Darrel Guilbeau, Brian Michael Henley, Corrine Gelfan, Michael Combatti, Ken Weichert, Ron Moriarty, Frank Novak, Randall Boffman, Joanne White
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night" on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night" wall decor on Amazon here*
After my viewing of the first film, I did not think the sequel could be any worse. I was wrong.
This 88 minute film rehashes the first film by flashback for the first 40 minutes- yes, that's four names in the story credit for what amounts to half a film. Not only does it cover the plot, it shows all the awful scenes that made the first one so bad.
In a mental hospital, adult Ricky (Eric Freeman) is talking to a psychiatrist (James Newman) about his Santa-dressing killer brother Billy. Ricky has a good memory, since he repeats scenes that neither him nor his brother witnessed, and the film makers change the plot of the first film to suit their needs. Ricky also seems to have taken some classes on how to play a character completely wrong. His scenes with the psychiatrist are terrible. Ricky escapes to take revenge on the first film's Mother Superior (Jean Miller). He is sent into murderous rages by the color red- you know that color, you probably go days on end without ever seeing? Ricky dresses like Santa, and begins hacking and killing.
This has gained a "so bad it's good" reputation over the years, but "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2" is just as awful as the first film, and just as repugnant. Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!".
Stats:
(1987) 88 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Lee Harry
-Screenplay by Lee Harry and Joseph H. Earle, Story by Lee Harry and Joseph H. Earle and Dennis Patterson and Lawrence Applebaum, based on characters created by Michael Hickey and Paul Caimi
-Cast: Eric Freeman, James Newman, Elizabeth Kaitan, Jean Miller, Darrel Guilbeau, Brian Michael Henley, Corrine Gelfan, Michael Combatti, Ken Weichert, Ron Moriarty, Frank Novak, Randall Boffman, Joanne White
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Return to Horror High (1987)
*Get "Return to Horror High" on Amazon here*
*Get "Return to Horror High" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get U R the Solution: An AO Adventure by Mark Victor Hansen and Bill Froehlich on Amazon here*
*Get Here's the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice by Maureen McCormick on Amazon here*
Mega-star George Clooney is the first victim in this slasher/comedy wannabe. He is also the luckiest, since he does not have to endure the rest of the film.
Five years after murders rock a high school, film makers return to shoot a film based on that event. Members of the cast and crew begin disappearing, indicating a killer is still lurking in the halls of Crippen High.
The killer did not do enough slashing, he should have had a stab at this script. The characters have been done before- the director is all artistic frenzy, the producer is a sleazy scumbag, the screenwriter is ignored, and the actors are shallow. At one point, an actor playing a corpse with a hatchet in his face asks "what is my motivation?", as if that joke has not been done a thousand times before (it has). The heroes are a local cop and his cute actress girlfriend, who begin wandering around the set and writing down lists of names of the crew who have a connection to the high school. This plays like rejected scenes from "Harriet the Spy," as they happen on a conversation, whip out a notebook, nod, and write. There are a number of familiar faces in the cast including Maureen McCormick, who has an odd role as an oversexed police woman. Clooney does disappear early, but the look on his face tells you he had to do this silliness to fill a resume (which obviously worked). The film makers constantly try to trick the viewer with "are you watching the film, or the real thing?" scenes that get old quick. The ending is insipid, makes no sense, and the sequel everyone promises was never made.
"Return to Horror High" should be held after class and put into detention. Skip it.
Stats:
(1987) 95 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Bill Froehlich
-Written by Bill Froehlich & Mark Lisson and Dana Escalante & Greg H. Sims
-Cast: Lori Lethin, Brendan Hughes, George Clooney, Vince Edwards, Maureen McCormick, Alex Rocco, Scott Jacoby, Andy Romano, Pepper Martin, Philip McKeon, Cliff Emmich, Richard Brestoff, Al Fann
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Return to Horror High" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get U R the Solution: An AO Adventure by Mark Victor Hansen and Bill Froehlich on Amazon here*
*Get Here's the Story: Surviving Marcia Brady and Finding My True Voice by Maureen McCormick on Amazon here*
Mega-star George Clooney is the first victim in this slasher/comedy wannabe. He is also the luckiest, since he does not have to endure the rest of the film.
Five years after murders rock a high school, film makers return to shoot a film based on that event. Members of the cast and crew begin disappearing, indicating a killer is still lurking in the halls of Crippen High.
The killer did not do enough slashing, he should have had a stab at this script. The characters have been done before- the director is all artistic frenzy, the producer is a sleazy scumbag, the screenwriter is ignored, and the actors are shallow. At one point, an actor playing a corpse with a hatchet in his face asks "what is my motivation?", as if that joke has not been done a thousand times before (it has). The heroes are a local cop and his cute actress girlfriend, who begin wandering around the set and writing down lists of names of the crew who have a connection to the high school. This plays like rejected scenes from "Harriet the Spy," as they happen on a conversation, whip out a notebook, nod, and write. There are a number of familiar faces in the cast including Maureen McCormick, who has an odd role as an oversexed police woman. Clooney does disappear early, but the look on his face tells you he had to do this silliness to fill a resume (which obviously worked). The film makers constantly try to trick the viewer with "are you watching the film, or the real thing?" scenes that get old quick. The ending is insipid, makes no sense, and the sequel everyone promises was never made.
"Return to Horror High" should be held after class and put into detention. Skip it.
Stats:
(1987) 95 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Bill Froehlich
-Written by Bill Froehlich & Mark Lisson and Dana Escalante & Greg H. Sims
-Cast: Lori Lethin, Brendan Hughes, George Clooney, Vince Edwards, Maureen McCormick, Alex Rocco, Scott Jacoby, Andy Romano, Pepper Martin, Philip McKeon, Cliff Emmich, Richard Brestoff, Al Fann
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Saturday, July 26, 2025
Saving America Begins with You (2009)
*Get "Saving America Begins with You" on Amazon here*
*Get "Horseshoe" by Kevin Myers on Amazon here*
*Get "Front Sight Constitutional Defense of Your Family and Freedom" on Amazon here*
*Get The Patriot's Daughter by Kamryn Green on Amazon here*
Rick Green needs to update this almost two decade old speech.
I received this DVD recently, and this same material is for sale in its original form on his website. Green is a former Texas state representative who is now a Constitutional scholar. He has many courses and products out, extolling the literal virtues of Conservative values and arming yourselves with knowledge as the country begins a slow slide into socialism (oh, 2009 Rick, you won't believe what's happening in 2025). This is a recorded speech, but there are no onscreen credits telling the viewer when or where it was given. Without the context, I was quickly bored, knowing there were larger issues just around the corner besides Obama's increase of the national debt. The speech is bookended by too many ads pushing the lack of freedoms during COVID, increasing a 47 minute speech to a 109 minute running time DVD.
Green's children quoting from the Declaration of Independence and U.S. Constitution is impressive, as are the mentions of minorities and women who fought in the American Revolution (this GenXer was never taught any of that in school). There is even a pretty good song by Kevin Myers called "Freedom's Frame" that eschews shmaltz. Green seems to have his hand in too many projects, as the DVD bombards the viewer with websites and seminar offers that I'm not sure are good anymore. I was hoping for more current topics, but that doesn't happen. Being told to arm yourselves with knowledge is always a great way to get into my good graces, but with the culture war in full swing at the moment, I had hoped for more.
I think Green needs to streamline and update his prodigious output, and centralize his message, since "Saving America Begins with You" is not a good introductory salvo (unless he would do another video showing everyone how right he was).
Stats:
(2009) 47 min. (4/10)
-No Writer or Director Credited
-Cast: Rick Green, Trey Green, Reagan Green, Kamryn Green, Rhett Green, Kevin Myers
(Not Rated)- contains nothing objectionable
Media Viewed: DVD
*Get "Horseshoe" by Kevin Myers on Amazon here*
*Get "Front Sight Constitutional Defense of Your Family and Freedom" on Amazon here*
*Get The Patriot's Daughter by Kamryn Green on Amazon here*
Rick Green needs to update this almost two decade old speech.
I received this DVD recently, and this same material is for sale in its original form on his website. Green is a former Texas state representative who is now a Constitutional scholar. He has many courses and products out, extolling the literal virtues of Conservative values and arming yourselves with knowledge as the country begins a slow slide into socialism (oh, 2009 Rick, you won't believe what's happening in 2025). This is a recorded speech, but there are no onscreen credits telling the viewer when or where it was given. Without the context, I was quickly bored, knowing there were larger issues just around the corner besides Obama's increase of the national debt. The speech is bookended by too many ads pushing the lack of freedoms during COVID, increasing a 47 minute speech to a 109 minute running time DVD.
Green's children quoting from the Declaration of Independence and U.S. Constitution is impressive, as are the mentions of minorities and women who fought in the American Revolution (this GenXer was never taught any of that in school). There is even a pretty good song by Kevin Myers called "Freedom's Frame" that eschews shmaltz. Green seems to have his hand in too many projects, as the DVD bombards the viewer with websites and seminar offers that I'm not sure are good anymore. I was hoping for more current topics, but that doesn't happen. Being told to arm yourselves with knowledge is always a great way to get into my good graces, but with the culture war in full swing at the moment, I had hoped for more.
I think Green needs to streamline and update his prodigious output, and centralize his message, since "Saving America Begins with You" is not a good introductory salvo (unless he would do another video showing everyone how right he was).
Stats:
(2009) 47 min. (4/10)
-No Writer or Director Credited
-Cast: Rick Green, Trey Green, Reagan Green, Kamryn Green, Rhett Green, Kevin Myers
(Not Rated)- contains nothing objectionable
Media Viewed: DVD
The Ripper (1985)
*Get "The Ripper" on Amazon here*
*Get "Smoke and Mirrors: The Story of Tom Savini" on Amazon here*
*Get "Night of the Living Dead" (1990) on Amazon here*
*Get Grande Illusions: The Art and Technique of Special Make-Up Effects: Books I & II by Tom Savini on Amazon here*
Christopher Lewis, who punished horror fans with tripe like "Blood Cult," and its sequel "Revenge," pulls a master stroke of bad cinema, using the good name of Tom Savini to sell an awful video.
I write video, and not film, because this production was shot on videotape. The opening scene has Jack the Ripper stalking and murdering a woman in Oklahoma, which is sadly trying to pass for Victorian London. The setting may be the late 1800's, but the traffic lights and automobiles tell us someone forgot to check their shot before hitting RECORD on the tape deck. Fast forward ninety years to an anonymous university where Professor Richard Harwell (Tom Schreier) is teaching a course entitled Famous Crimes on Film. The class is going to study real crimes, then see how Hollywood reenacts them. The class pet is know-it-all film buff Steve (Wade Tower), and his right hand girl is Cindy (Andrea Adams). Richard is getting it on with Carol (Mona Van Pernis), the university dance teacher. Richard calls her "honey" throughout the film, and I did not know her name was Carol until the climax. Carol and Richard shop in an antique store and Richard finds a garish ring. It just so happens that the ring belonged to Jack the Ripper, and Richard puts the ring on and cannot get it off. The town starts experiencing horrific murders, and Richard seems to be sleeping an awful lot. He dreams of the murders being committed by the world's most notorious serial killer. The desperate, laughable finale involves a character being taken hostage by the Ripper's spirit (Tom Savini).
Tom Savini, better known for his special effects makeup work, acting in films like "Knightriders" and "From Dusk till Dawn," and fantastic direction of the 1990 "Night of the Living Dead" remake is top-billed and appears on the video box cover. However, he does not appear onscreen until the final five minutes. Let me repeat that: he does not appear onscreen until the final five minutes. There is a dark figure who commits the murders throughout the video, but it ain't Tom. The gore effects are not great, as plastic skin and watery fake blood are used. The cast is awful, but they cannot be blamed- with this material, they are given nothing to work with. Savini looks lost. He wears weird contact lenses, and speaks with an American accent, playing Britain's infamous killer. Lewis tries to make this a bigger production than it is, but he is too lousy a director.
Taped in the 1980's, the video is a time capsule. Recoil as suspenseful calls are made on rotary phones! Delight in a dance number that makes "Staying Alive" look like Nureyev! Pant as major plot points revolve around such icons as Trivial Pursuit and The People's Almanac! "The Ripper" is awful in so many senses of the word, you have been warned.
Stats:
(1985) 102 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Christopher Lewis
-Written by Bill Groves
-Cast: Tom Savini, Mona Van Pernis, Tom Schreier, Wade Tower, Andrea Adams, Randall White, Bennie Lee McGowan, Jeffrey R. Fontana, Wilma Jeane Cummins, Karen Morgan Williams, Patti Beth Abbott, Alicia Todd, Vic Seals
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Smoke and Mirrors: The Story of Tom Savini" on Amazon here*
*Get "Night of the Living Dead" (1990) on Amazon here*
*Get Grande Illusions: The Art and Technique of Special Make-Up Effects: Books I & II by Tom Savini on Amazon here*
Christopher Lewis, who punished horror fans with tripe like "Blood Cult," and its sequel "Revenge," pulls a master stroke of bad cinema, using the good name of Tom Savini to sell an awful video.
I write video, and not film, because this production was shot on videotape. The opening scene has Jack the Ripper stalking and murdering a woman in Oklahoma, which is sadly trying to pass for Victorian London. The setting may be the late 1800's, but the traffic lights and automobiles tell us someone forgot to check their shot before hitting RECORD on the tape deck. Fast forward ninety years to an anonymous university where Professor Richard Harwell (Tom Schreier) is teaching a course entitled Famous Crimes on Film. The class is going to study real crimes, then see how Hollywood reenacts them. The class pet is know-it-all film buff Steve (Wade Tower), and his right hand girl is Cindy (Andrea Adams). Richard is getting it on with Carol (Mona Van Pernis), the university dance teacher. Richard calls her "honey" throughout the film, and I did not know her name was Carol until the climax. Carol and Richard shop in an antique store and Richard finds a garish ring. It just so happens that the ring belonged to Jack the Ripper, and Richard puts the ring on and cannot get it off. The town starts experiencing horrific murders, and Richard seems to be sleeping an awful lot. He dreams of the murders being committed by the world's most notorious serial killer. The desperate, laughable finale involves a character being taken hostage by the Ripper's spirit (Tom Savini).
Tom Savini, better known for his special effects makeup work, acting in films like "Knightriders" and "From Dusk till Dawn," and fantastic direction of the 1990 "Night of the Living Dead" remake is top-billed and appears on the video box cover. However, he does not appear onscreen until the final five minutes. Let me repeat that: he does not appear onscreen until the final five minutes. There is a dark figure who commits the murders throughout the video, but it ain't Tom. The gore effects are not great, as plastic skin and watery fake blood are used. The cast is awful, but they cannot be blamed- with this material, they are given nothing to work with. Savini looks lost. He wears weird contact lenses, and speaks with an American accent, playing Britain's infamous killer. Lewis tries to make this a bigger production than it is, but he is too lousy a director.
Taped in the 1980's, the video is a time capsule. Recoil as suspenseful calls are made on rotary phones! Delight in a dance number that makes "Staying Alive" look like Nureyev! Pant as major plot points revolve around such icons as Trivial Pursuit and The People's Almanac! "The Ripper" is awful in so many senses of the word, you have been warned.
Stats:
(1985) 102 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Christopher Lewis
-Written by Bill Groves
-Cast: Tom Savini, Mona Van Pernis, Tom Schreier, Wade Tower, Andrea Adams, Randall White, Bennie Lee McGowan, Jeffrey R. Fontana, Wilma Jeane Cummins, Karen Morgan Williams, Patti Beth Abbott, Alicia Todd, Vic Seals
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night" on Amazon here*
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get Silent Night, Deadly Night: The Official Novelization of the Original Movie by Armando Munoz on Amazon here*
*Get Silent Night, Deadly Night Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
This little slice of hell was picketed when released because the psycho killer is dressed as Santa Claus. That ain't the half of it- I have never seen a film with such a devout hatred of children.
The first twenty minutes of this are nauseating as a child is scared after unwisely being left alone with his "catatonic" grandfather (Will Hare). The child sees his parents killed, including his mother (Tara Buckman) getting her top ripped off and her throat slit. His father (Geoff Hansen) gets shot in the head a couple of times. The boy, Billy, and his baby brother, Ricky, go to an orphanage where beatings and tied-to-the-bed torture commence. Billy (Robert Brian Wilson) grows up, leaves the orphanage, finds himself playing Santa at a toy store, has a flashback, and begins killing everyone.
Of the four female characters killed in the film, three of them are topless when their deaths occur. The children at the orphanage witness not one but two men dressed as Santa Claus shot to death in front of them. When Billy, the main killer, is offed, Ricky goes a little nuts, guaranteeing a sequel.
Back in 1984, I remember thinking it was no big deal that the killer dressed like Santa when this came out, but then I watched it. I would not let my kids within a hundred feet of the television while I reviewed this. Despite an iconic movie poster, the film itself is disgusting, without the slightest scare or original idea. Go watch "Black Christmas" instead. Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2", and a remake.
Stats:
(1984) 79 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Charles E. Sellier, Jr.
-Written by William Hickey based on a story by Paul Caimi
-Cast: Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Linnea Quigley, Toni Nero, Robert Brian Wilson, Britt Leach, Will Hare, Tara Buckman, Geoff Hansen, Charles Dierkop, Nancy Borgenicht, H.E.D. Redford, Leo Geter
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Silent Night, Deadly Night" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get Silent Night, Deadly Night: The Official Novelization of the Original Movie by Armando Munoz on Amazon here*
*Get Silent Night, Deadly Night Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
This little slice of hell was picketed when released because the psycho killer is dressed as Santa Claus. That ain't the half of it- I have never seen a film with such a devout hatred of children.
The first twenty minutes of this are nauseating as a child is scared after unwisely being left alone with his "catatonic" grandfather (Will Hare). The child sees his parents killed, including his mother (Tara Buckman) getting her top ripped off and her throat slit. His father (Geoff Hansen) gets shot in the head a couple of times. The boy, Billy, and his baby brother, Ricky, go to an orphanage where beatings and tied-to-the-bed torture commence. Billy (Robert Brian Wilson) grows up, leaves the orphanage, finds himself playing Santa at a toy store, has a flashback, and begins killing everyone.
Of the four female characters killed in the film, three of them are topless when their deaths occur. The children at the orphanage witness not one but two men dressed as Santa Claus shot to death in front of them. When Billy, the main killer, is offed, Ricky goes a little nuts, guaranteeing a sequel.
Back in 1984, I remember thinking it was no big deal that the killer dressed like Santa when this came out, but then I watched it. I would not let my kids within a hundred feet of the television while I reviewed this. Despite an iconic movie poster, the film itself is disgusting, without the slightest scare or original idea. Go watch "Black Christmas" instead. Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2", and a remake.
Stats:
(1984) 79 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Charles E. Sellier, Jr.
-Written by William Hickey based on a story by Paul Caimi
-Cast: Lilyan Chauvin, Gilmer McCormick, Linnea Quigley, Toni Nero, Robert Brian Wilson, Britt Leach, Will Hare, Tara Buckman, Geoff Hansen, Charles Dierkop, Nancy Borgenicht, H.E.D. Redford, Leo Geter
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Scream (1981)
*Get "Scream" on Amazon here*
*Get Goal Dust: The Warm and Candid Memoirs of a Pioneer Black Athlete and Actor by Woody Strode and Sam Young on Amazon here*
*Get "Sergeant Rutledge" on Amazon here*
*Get "Spartacus" on Amazon here*
A group of people rafting in west Texas stop to camp out in a ghost town. The assorted tourists pick the wrong time to wander off alone, and they are murdered in boring fashion. The sun rises, so does my ire, and the rafters discover they are without rafts. They return to the ghost town, where two lost motorcyclists happen by. One leaves with tour leader Stan (Ethan Wayne), and the killing continues. Almost a solid hour into this, character actor Woody Strode rides in on a horse and a fog bank, has a meaningless three minute scene, and leaves. He does figure in the finale, for another two minutes, but the climax is so bad and the killer's identity so off-the-wall that you may find yourself reenacting the film's title.
The characters' names are negligible, and some of the cast are not named at all. When Strode rides in with a body on his horse, someone recognizes it as one of the motorcyclists- and we did not know his name until that moment. The ghost town set is good, and the director tries to do some John Carpenteresque business on the screen by showing empty building facades, but he cannot build any suspense. Characters meander off alone at the drop of a hat just to be killed. Not one, but two characters are murdered when they leave to fetch beverages. The director makes the obvious, budgetary decision to show only one murder onscreen. The gore effects consist of fake blood on a variety of farming implements and nothing more. The film features character actors like Pepper Martin, Hank Worden, Gregg Palmer, and Alvy Moore all doing the worst work of their careers. The old Vestron Video company adds insult to injury with their VHS video box. The curved sickle on the cover is not in the film. Woody Strode, who appeared in almost ninety films, including "The Ten Commandments," "Spartacus," "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance," and "Sergeant Rutledge" is credited on the back cover plot summary with his cinematic masterwork "Angkor: Cambodian Express" (huh?).
A horror film is a tricky thing to pull off. The victims should be sympathetic, or have a collective I.Q. higher than the number of fingers on your left hand. The villain should be scary, but here they are never seen. The special effects should add to the suspense, not serve as a subliminal Pavlovian trigger for French fries with extra ketchup.
In the end, "Scream" is another nail in the coffin of late 1970's/early 1980's horror, where the slasher film quickly fell from the heights of "Halloween" to the depths of "Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan" and "Slaughterhouse."
Stats:
(1981) 82 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Byron Quisenberry
-Cast: Pepper Martin, Hank Worden, Ethan Wayne, Ann Bronston, Woody Strode, Alvy Moore, Julie Marine, Nancy St. Marie, Joseph Alvarado, Bobby Diamond, John Nowak, Joe Allaine, Cynthia Faria, Gregg Palmer
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get Goal Dust: The Warm and Candid Memoirs of a Pioneer Black Athlete and Actor by Woody Strode and Sam Young on Amazon here*
*Get "Sergeant Rutledge" on Amazon here*
*Get "Spartacus" on Amazon here*
A group of people rafting in west Texas stop to camp out in a ghost town. The assorted tourists pick the wrong time to wander off alone, and they are murdered in boring fashion. The sun rises, so does my ire, and the rafters discover they are without rafts. They return to the ghost town, where two lost motorcyclists happen by. One leaves with tour leader Stan (Ethan Wayne), and the killing continues. Almost a solid hour into this, character actor Woody Strode rides in on a horse and a fog bank, has a meaningless three minute scene, and leaves. He does figure in the finale, for another two minutes, but the climax is so bad and the killer's identity so off-the-wall that you may find yourself reenacting the film's title.
The characters' names are negligible, and some of the cast are not named at all. When Strode rides in with a body on his horse, someone recognizes it as one of the motorcyclists- and we did not know his name until that moment. The ghost town set is good, and the director tries to do some John Carpenteresque business on the screen by showing empty building facades, but he cannot build any suspense. Characters meander off alone at the drop of a hat just to be killed. Not one, but two characters are murdered when they leave to fetch beverages. The director makes the obvious, budgetary decision to show only one murder onscreen. The gore effects consist of fake blood on a variety of farming implements and nothing more. The film features character actors like Pepper Martin, Hank Worden, Gregg Palmer, and Alvy Moore all doing the worst work of their careers. The old Vestron Video company adds insult to injury with their VHS video box. The curved sickle on the cover is not in the film. Woody Strode, who appeared in almost ninety films, including "The Ten Commandments," "Spartacus," "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance," and "Sergeant Rutledge" is credited on the back cover plot summary with his cinematic masterwork "Angkor: Cambodian Express" (huh?).
A horror film is a tricky thing to pull off. The victims should be sympathetic, or have a collective I.Q. higher than the number of fingers on your left hand. The villain should be scary, but here they are never seen. The special effects should add to the suspense, not serve as a subliminal Pavlovian trigger for French fries with extra ketchup.
In the end, "Scream" is another nail in the coffin of late 1970's/early 1980's horror, where the slasher film quickly fell from the heights of "Halloween" to the depths of "Friday the 13th: Jason Takes Manhattan" and "Slaughterhouse."
Stats:
(1981) 82 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Byron Quisenberry
-Cast: Pepper Martin, Hank Worden, Ethan Wayne, Ann Bronston, Woody Strode, Alvy Moore, Julie Marine, Nancy St. Marie, Joseph Alvarado, Bobby Diamond, John Nowak, Joe Allaine, Cynthia Faria, Gregg Palmer
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Friday, July 25, 2025
The Prey (1983)
*Get "The Prey" on Amazon here*
*Get "Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film" on Amazon here*
*Get The Teenage Slasher Movie Book by J.A. Kerswell on Amazon here*
*Get The All-Night Video Guide: Slashers 70's & 80's by Rob Freese on Amazon here*
Sure, most of the slasher films of the 1980's were not worth the celluloid they were filmed on, but this video nightmare may well be one of the dullest produced. Six horny, pot-smoking students decide to go camping. Of course, and you know this already, they begin getting killed one by one by a mysterious stranger. The climax has a hunky forest ranger trying to get to the teens in time before the last cute girl becomes buzzard bait.
John Carl Buechler did the lousy makeup effects. The cast features Carel Struycken, of "The Witches of Eastwick" and the live-action Addams Family movies. He does not pop up until the very end of the film, and is covered in burn makeup, rendering him unrecognizable. Steve Bond has an early role as a victim. Brown's direction, and the script he co-wrote, both smell like the presents brown bears leave in the woods. He pads the film with so much stock wilderness footage, I thought I accidentally rented an episode of "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom". The cast sit around the campfire and eat, then walk, and sit and eat again. The forest ranger is involved in one of the strangest scenes ever put in a slasher film: he tells a joke about a wide mouthed frog to a baby deer. Jackie Coogan, who must have forgot he once worked with the legends of silent cinema, has two scenes, and is involved in another strange scene: he and the hunky forest ranger have a conversation about cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches on oatmeal bread...yeah. There is not one minute of suspense. The killer watches the students from behind trees. We know it is the killer because the film makers have dubbed in a heartbeat sound effect that serves to wake the viewer up every few minutes. Skip this pile of pine sap and watch "Halloween," instead.
Stats:
(1983) 80 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Edwin Brown
-Screenplay by Edwin Brown and Summer Brown
-Cast: Debbie Thureson, Steve Bond, Lori Lethin, Robert Wald, Gayle Gannes, Philip Wenckus, Carel Struycken, Jackie Coogan, Eric Edwards, John Leslie, Jackson Bostwick, Connie Hunter, Ted Hayden
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film" on Amazon here*
*Get The Teenage Slasher Movie Book by J.A. Kerswell on Amazon here*
*Get The All-Night Video Guide: Slashers 70's & 80's by Rob Freese on Amazon here*
Sure, most of the slasher films of the 1980's were not worth the celluloid they were filmed on, but this video nightmare may well be one of the dullest produced. Six horny, pot-smoking students decide to go camping. Of course, and you know this already, they begin getting killed one by one by a mysterious stranger. The climax has a hunky forest ranger trying to get to the teens in time before the last cute girl becomes buzzard bait.
John Carl Buechler did the lousy makeup effects. The cast features Carel Struycken, of "The Witches of Eastwick" and the live-action Addams Family movies. He does not pop up until the very end of the film, and is covered in burn makeup, rendering him unrecognizable. Steve Bond has an early role as a victim. Brown's direction, and the script he co-wrote, both smell like the presents brown bears leave in the woods. He pads the film with so much stock wilderness footage, I thought I accidentally rented an episode of "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom". The cast sit around the campfire and eat, then walk, and sit and eat again. The forest ranger is involved in one of the strangest scenes ever put in a slasher film: he tells a joke about a wide mouthed frog to a baby deer. Jackie Coogan, who must have forgot he once worked with the legends of silent cinema, has two scenes, and is involved in another strange scene: he and the hunky forest ranger have a conversation about cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches on oatmeal bread...yeah. There is not one minute of suspense. The killer watches the students from behind trees. We know it is the killer because the film makers have dubbed in a heartbeat sound effect that serves to wake the viewer up every few minutes. Skip this pile of pine sap and watch "Halloween," instead.
Stats:
(1983) 80 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Edwin Brown
-Screenplay by Edwin Brown and Summer Brown
-Cast: Debbie Thureson, Steve Bond, Lori Lethin, Robert Wald, Gayle Gannes, Philip Wenckus, Carel Struycken, Jackie Coogan, Eric Edwards, John Leslie, Jackson Bostwick, Connie Hunter, Ted Hayden
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
One from the Heart (1982)
*Get "One from the Heart" on Amazon here*
*Get "One from the Heart: Reprise" on Amazon here*
*Get Francis Ford Coppola 5-Film Collection on Amazon here*
*Get "One from the Heart" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
**SPOILER REVIEW** Frannie (Teri Garr) and Hank (Frederic Forrest) are two everyday Joes who live together and are having relationship difficulties. Frannie works in a travel agency, wishing she could visit the places she sends others to. Hank works at a wrecking yard, salvaging old neon signs and creating a little piece of heaven in the back of the garage. The couple calls it quits, and Frannie meets Ray (Raul Julia), a waiter/wannabe singer who wants to go to all the places Frannie dreams about. Hank meets circus girl Leila (Nastassja Kinski), who loves his little playland behind the garage, and also wants to run away with him. The new couples bed down, and Frannie prepares to go to Bora Bora with Ray, and Hank has second thoughts.
I cannot describe how dull this film is. It took me two days to plow through it. Garr and Forrest are terrible. They have a few moments of drama that play like bad network TV, and their attempts at screwball comedy are unfunny. Julia is okay, I miss him in better films. Kinski is there and gone so quickly, I did not know why she was listed so high in the credits. Leila warns Hank that she will disappear if he does not stay with her. In her exit scene, he walks away from her when she is standing by a car, and in the background you can see her head as she ducks behind the vehicle. Forrest turns around and she is "magically" gone. Coppola decided to recreate the Las Vegas Strip on a soundstage. The first credit at the end of the film reads something to the effect: "This entire film was shot on the stages of Zoetrope Studios." Really? I guess the constant spotting of the edges of the backscreen in the exterior scenes was not a bold cinematic statement, but sloppy direction. In one gaffe, as the camera looks up at Forrest, you can see the ceiling of the giant building they created this massive set in.
Teri Garr gives the same performance she always did. Coppola puts her through THREE clothes-changing scenes, for the gratuitous nudity. Garr and Forrest are supposed to be playing average folks like you and I, but if this is what Coppola thinks the rest of America is like, he needs to get out of California's wine country. Lainie Kazan and Harry Dean Stanton are dragged out in the thankless roles of Frannie and Hank's best friends. Tom Waits and Crystal Gayle sing all the songs on the soundtrack. The songs are okay, but they do not belong in this film. Coppola pulls all the tricks out of his magic movie fun bag, and each one fizzles. Average special effects are thrown in because the budget was huge, not because a scene demanded it. Scenes run too long, have no point, and you can almost hear Coppola whispering "this entire film was shot on the stages of Zoetrope Studios."
"One from the Heart" feels like one to the groin. Coppola's film making career never fully recovered from this.
Stats:
(1982) 107 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Francis Ford Coppola
-Screenplay by Armyan Bernstein & Francis Ford Coppola, Story by Armyan Bernstein
-Cast: Frederic Forrest, Teri Garr, Raul Julia, Nastassja Kinski, Lainie Kazan, Harry Dean Stanton, Allen Garfield, Jeff Hamlin, Italia Coppola, Carmine Coppola, Tom Waits, Rebecca De Mornay, Edward Blackoff
(R)
Media Viewed: Home Video
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Song Score/Adaptation (lost to "Victor/Victoria")
*Get "One from the Heart: Reprise" on Amazon here*
*Get Francis Ford Coppola 5-Film Collection on Amazon here*
*Get "One from the Heart" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
**SPOILER REVIEW** Frannie (Teri Garr) and Hank (Frederic Forrest) are two everyday Joes who live together and are having relationship difficulties. Frannie works in a travel agency, wishing she could visit the places she sends others to. Hank works at a wrecking yard, salvaging old neon signs and creating a little piece of heaven in the back of the garage. The couple calls it quits, and Frannie meets Ray (Raul Julia), a waiter/wannabe singer who wants to go to all the places Frannie dreams about. Hank meets circus girl Leila (Nastassja Kinski), who loves his little playland behind the garage, and also wants to run away with him. The new couples bed down, and Frannie prepares to go to Bora Bora with Ray, and Hank has second thoughts.
I cannot describe how dull this film is. It took me two days to plow through it. Garr and Forrest are terrible. They have a few moments of drama that play like bad network TV, and their attempts at screwball comedy are unfunny. Julia is okay, I miss him in better films. Kinski is there and gone so quickly, I did not know why she was listed so high in the credits. Leila warns Hank that she will disappear if he does not stay with her. In her exit scene, he walks away from her when she is standing by a car, and in the background you can see her head as she ducks behind the vehicle. Forrest turns around and she is "magically" gone. Coppola decided to recreate the Las Vegas Strip on a soundstage. The first credit at the end of the film reads something to the effect: "This entire film was shot on the stages of Zoetrope Studios." Really? I guess the constant spotting of the edges of the backscreen in the exterior scenes was not a bold cinematic statement, but sloppy direction. In one gaffe, as the camera looks up at Forrest, you can see the ceiling of the giant building they created this massive set in.
Teri Garr gives the same performance she always did. Coppola puts her through THREE clothes-changing scenes, for the gratuitous nudity. Garr and Forrest are supposed to be playing average folks like you and I, but if this is what Coppola thinks the rest of America is like, he needs to get out of California's wine country. Lainie Kazan and Harry Dean Stanton are dragged out in the thankless roles of Frannie and Hank's best friends. Tom Waits and Crystal Gayle sing all the songs on the soundtrack. The songs are okay, but they do not belong in this film. Coppola pulls all the tricks out of his magic movie fun bag, and each one fizzles. Average special effects are thrown in because the budget was huge, not because a scene demanded it. Scenes run too long, have no point, and you can almost hear Coppola whispering "this entire film was shot on the stages of Zoetrope Studios."
"One from the Heart" feels like one to the groin. Coppola's film making career never fully recovered from this.
Stats:
(1982) 107 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Francis Ford Coppola
-Screenplay by Armyan Bernstein & Francis Ford Coppola, Story by Armyan Bernstein
-Cast: Frederic Forrest, Teri Garr, Raul Julia, Nastassja Kinski, Lainie Kazan, Harry Dean Stanton, Allen Garfield, Jeff Hamlin, Italia Coppola, Carmine Coppola, Tom Waits, Rebecca De Mornay, Edward Blackoff
(R)
Media Viewed: Home Video
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Song Score/Adaptation (lost to "Victor/Victoria")
The Prowler (1981)
*Get "The Prowler" on Amazon here*
*Get "Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film" on Amazon here*
*Get The Teenage Slasher Movie Book by J.A. Kerswell on Amazon here*
*Get The All-Night Video Guide: Slashers 70's & 80's by Rob Freese on Amazon here*
**SPOILER REVIEW** Let us review the plot of this generic horror film. First, in flashback, a horrific murder happens. Fast forward to the then present-day, and the reopening of a closed dance/school/prom night, etc., where the first murder took place. Throw in a few red herring suspects, like the school janitor in the basement, or the crazy old man who bags groceries at the supermarket. Introduce one virginal girl with boyfriend trouble, and her oversexed, horny friends. As horny friends get killed, have virgin and new boyfriend run from masked killer. Killer does not kill boyfriend, and town weirdo kills killer...or so we think. Have killer come back to life, then get killed by virgin. Put virgin in final scene as dead come back to life and grab her, then realize it was only a dream/hallucination. There, now you have "The Prowler."
While Tom Savini's makeup effects are on display here, this is still such a silly film even his big bag of gore cannot save a lousy script. I had the killer figured out as soon as he was introduced, so I had to sit back and watch the blood flow. Big deal, the killer uses a pitchfork. I guess a concealed weapons charge is out of the question, those are so hard to hide in your pocket.
"The Prowler" is lousy film making that only has a reputation because of Savini's makeup effects. Gore does not equal scares, and neither does "The Prowler."
Stats:
(1981) 89 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Joseph Zito
-Screenplay by Glenn Leopold and Neal Barbera, Additional Dialogue by Eric Lewald & Mark Edward Edens & Michael Edens
-Cast: Vicky Dawson, Christopher Goutman, Lawrence Tierney, Farley Granger, Cindy Weintraub, Lisa Dunsheath, David Sederholm, Bill Nunnery, Thom Bray, Diane Rode, Bryan Englund, Donna Davis, Carleton Carpenter
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Going to Pieces: The Rise and Fall of the Slasher Film" on Amazon here*
*Get The Teenage Slasher Movie Book by J.A. Kerswell on Amazon here*
*Get The All-Night Video Guide: Slashers 70's & 80's by Rob Freese on Amazon here*
**SPOILER REVIEW** Let us review the plot of this generic horror film. First, in flashback, a horrific murder happens. Fast forward to the then present-day, and the reopening of a closed dance/school/prom night, etc., where the first murder took place. Throw in a few red herring suspects, like the school janitor in the basement, or the crazy old man who bags groceries at the supermarket. Introduce one virginal girl with boyfriend trouble, and her oversexed, horny friends. As horny friends get killed, have virgin and new boyfriend run from masked killer. Killer does not kill boyfriend, and town weirdo kills killer...or so we think. Have killer come back to life, then get killed by virgin. Put virgin in final scene as dead come back to life and grab her, then realize it was only a dream/hallucination. There, now you have "The Prowler."
While Tom Savini's makeup effects are on display here, this is still such a silly film even his big bag of gore cannot save a lousy script. I had the killer figured out as soon as he was introduced, so I had to sit back and watch the blood flow. Big deal, the killer uses a pitchfork. I guess a concealed weapons charge is out of the question, those are so hard to hide in your pocket.
"The Prowler" is lousy film making that only has a reputation because of Savini's makeup effects. Gore does not equal scares, and neither does "The Prowler."
Stats:
(1981) 89 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Joseph Zito
-Screenplay by Glenn Leopold and Neal Barbera, Additional Dialogue by Eric Lewald & Mark Edward Edens & Michael Edens
-Cast: Vicky Dawson, Christopher Goutman, Lawrence Tierney, Farley Granger, Cindy Weintraub, Lisa Dunsheath, David Sederholm, Bill Nunnery, Thom Bray, Diane Rode, Bryan Englund, Donna Davis, Carleton Carpenter
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
Dragon Force (1982)
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*Get Bruce Lee: His Greatest Hits Criterion Collection on Amazon here*
*Get Be Water, My Friend: The Teachings of Bruce Lee by Shannon Lee on Amazon here*
Disclaimer: The following plot summary of contains no fallacies on my part. Real humans wrote this, and got it filmed. Please do not contact me, accusing me of making up any of the plot points or characters' names. I owned this film on video, and everything is true and accurate.
On the VHS version under the title "Powerforce," one of the first images to greet the viewer of this film are the three letters "I-U-D." Under the mistaken impression that this is a documentary on birth control, I-U-D stands for "Independent United Distributors." Princess Rawleen (Mandy Moore...no, not that Mandy Moore) is European royalty from the country of Mongrovia. Her right hand man, General Marushka (James Barnett), has teamed with a terrorist named Mr. Sly (Randy Channell Soei). They want to kidnap the princess, and get a hold of her country's chrome ore so they can overcharge makers of nuclear weapons and reactors. Rawleen stays with two friends in Hong Kong- Richard (Richard Lau), who offers her cocaine, and then drops the subject for the rest of the film, and Elana (Olivia Cheng). Rawleen is accompanied by her secretary Eva and security chief Max Leon. Much is made of Rawleen's virginity, and she is kidnapped by a bunch of ninjas. Strutting beauhunk Jack Sargeant (Bruce Baron) is called in by his boss, named Trouble, to find the princess. Sargeant must team with a group called Dragonforce in order to save her. Sargeant is told to visit a contact in Hong Kong and get some weaponry for the big fight. His contact's name? Ah Chu. Where is Ah Chu located? At the Good Fu-king Flour Company (please, reread my disclaimer if you find this hard to believe). Accompanied by "funny" music, Sargeant meets Ah Chu (by sneezing, of course), and does not take any weapons. Ah Chu then talks about a "double nothing guy from England" who is coming next week for weapons. Sargeant is sent to the Tiptoe Forest and meets his new coworkers- the Monk Kamikasu, cute Soo-lin (Frances Fong), and the leader Tau Lung (Bruce Li). In a ceremony that makes a frat hazing look like a Roman Catholic Mass, Sargeant is initiated into Dragonforce, and they go about saving the princess.
The film is dubbed, and character names were hard to understand, as was the plot. The film is ninety eight minutes, and I found ninety six minutes that should have been dropped. The action is okay, but the fights bore. The acting is bad, even for dubbed. It is hard to believe people invested money in this. The original music is all wrong, one fight scene is done to high orchestral strings better suited for a Sally Field tearjerker. The pacing is off, and the characters are trapped in 1982 fashions. The ninjas are funny, wearing neon orange pajamas that would stand out anywhere. As the main hero, a special mention should go to Baron. He does not know how to play a character. He has his lines down, he can kick and punch, but his facial expression is fixed throughout. Bruce Li, now suspecting that he was a film actor only because he kinda looks like Bruce Lee, is also terrible. Everyone takes the plot so seriously, the screenwriters forgot to tell them this was a semi-comedy. This is a bad film. I cannot recommend it. Also known as "Powerforce."
Stats:
(1982) 98 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Michael Mak
-Written by Terry Chalmers, Dennis Thompsett
-Cast: Bruce Baron, Mandy Moore, Bruce Li, James Barnett, Frances Fong, Olivia Cheng, Randy Channell Soei, Richard Lau, Hal Archer, Sam Sorono, Chi-Hung Chan, Yun Ho, Wai-Man Lau
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "Films of Fury: The Kung-Fu Movie Movie" on Amazon here*
*Get Bruce Lee: His Greatest Hits Criterion Collection on Amazon here*
*Get Be Water, My Friend: The Teachings of Bruce Lee by Shannon Lee on Amazon here*
Disclaimer: The following plot summary of contains no fallacies on my part. Real humans wrote this, and got it filmed. Please do not contact me, accusing me of making up any of the plot points or characters' names. I owned this film on video, and everything is true and accurate.
On the VHS version under the title "Powerforce," one of the first images to greet the viewer of this film are the three letters "I-U-D." Under the mistaken impression that this is a documentary on birth control, I-U-D stands for "Independent United Distributors." Princess Rawleen (Mandy Moore...no, not that Mandy Moore) is European royalty from the country of Mongrovia. Her right hand man, General Marushka (James Barnett), has teamed with a terrorist named Mr. Sly (Randy Channell Soei). They want to kidnap the princess, and get a hold of her country's chrome ore so they can overcharge makers of nuclear weapons and reactors. Rawleen stays with two friends in Hong Kong- Richard (Richard Lau), who offers her cocaine, and then drops the subject for the rest of the film, and Elana (Olivia Cheng). Rawleen is accompanied by her secretary Eva and security chief Max Leon. Much is made of Rawleen's virginity, and she is kidnapped by a bunch of ninjas. Strutting beauhunk Jack Sargeant (Bruce Baron) is called in by his boss, named Trouble, to find the princess. Sargeant must team with a group called Dragonforce in order to save her. Sargeant is told to visit a contact in Hong Kong and get some weaponry for the big fight. His contact's name? Ah Chu. Where is Ah Chu located? At the Good Fu-king Flour Company (please, reread my disclaimer if you find this hard to believe). Accompanied by "funny" music, Sargeant meets Ah Chu (by sneezing, of course), and does not take any weapons. Ah Chu then talks about a "double nothing guy from England" who is coming next week for weapons. Sargeant is sent to the Tiptoe Forest and meets his new coworkers- the Monk Kamikasu, cute Soo-lin (Frances Fong), and the leader Tau Lung (Bruce Li). In a ceremony that makes a frat hazing look like a Roman Catholic Mass, Sargeant is initiated into Dragonforce, and they go about saving the princess.
The film is dubbed, and character names were hard to understand, as was the plot. The film is ninety eight minutes, and I found ninety six minutes that should have been dropped. The action is okay, but the fights bore. The acting is bad, even for dubbed. It is hard to believe people invested money in this. The original music is all wrong, one fight scene is done to high orchestral strings better suited for a Sally Field tearjerker. The pacing is off, and the characters are trapped in 1982 fashions. The ninjas are funny, wearing neon orange pajamas that would stand out anywhere. As the main hero, a special mention should go to Baron. He does not know how to play a character. He has his lines down, he can kick and punch, but his facial expression is fixed throughout. Bruce Li, now suspecting that he was a film actor only because he kinda looks like Bruce Lee, is also terrible. Everyone takes the plot so seriously, the screenwriters forgot to tell them this was a semi-comedy. This is a bad film. I cannot recommend it. Also known as "Powerforce."
Stats:
(1982) 98 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Michael Mak
-Written by Terry Chalmers, Dennis Thompsett
-Cast: Bruce Baron, Mandy Moore, Bruce Li, James Barnett, Frances Fong, Olivia Cheng, Randy Channell Soei, Richard Lau, Hal Archer, Sam Sorono, Chi-Hung Chan, Yun Ho, Wai-Man Lau
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
Home Sweet Home (1981)
*Get Take a Shot!: A Remarkable Story of Perseverance, Friendship, and A Really Crazy Adventure by Jake Steinfeld and Dave Morrow on Amazon here*
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*Get Body by Jake: The Don't Quit Exercise Program by Jake Steinfeld with Melissa Miller on Amazon here*
**SPOILER REVIEW** This silly slasher flick is notable for exercise guru Jake Steinfeld's awful turn as the killer. In an isolated ranch house, a group of friends gather for a big meal. I see turkey, I see cranberry sauce, but no one ever mentions the word "Thanksgiving." The characters include a Mexican singer, her blustery boyfriend, a little girl, a record exec, his girlfriend, another woman, and a golden blonde couple who are the obvious heroes. Oh, I forgot the exec's son- a talking mime who plays an unplugged electric guitar. You want him to be the first to die, but we don't get everything we wish for. Everyone is dispatched one by one in the course of the evening.
While car trouble has long been a staple of this type of film, this is not satisfied with one breaking down. We have TWO cars not start, meaning the victims, I mean occupants, must get out, and walk, and die. Everyone is killed by Jake, who sports David Hasselhoff's "Knight Rider"-era hair and a big knife. The gore consists of fake blood, liberally spilled. Not only is the production amateurish, so is the post-production, as most of the dialogue, and Jake's maniacal laugh, are dubbed. The silliest aspect of the film is the amount of characters who go "looking" for other characters. Half the cast leaves and is killed, and the remaining survivors come up with the worst excuses for where they could be. How many Thanksgiving meals are interrupted by sudden trips to the local bar to watch the big game?
If you want to pity anyone (besides me for sitting through this), pity the little girl who at one point is abandoned in a dark room with killer Jake. Only after the heroic couple vacate the premises do they decide they should probably try to retrieve the defenseless child. It is this kind of stupidity that takes the smallest amount of campy fun out of this effort. In the end, Jake is un-killable because he is on PCP- at least it wasn't because of something dumb. "Home Sweet Home" is one unwelcome guest, skip it. Also known as "Slasher in the House" and "Bloodparty."
Stats:
(1981) 87 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Nettie Pena
-Written by Thomas Bush
-Cast: Jake Steinfeld, Vinessa Shaw, Peter De Paula, Don Edmonds, Charles Hoyes, David Mielke, Leia Naron, Lisa Antille, Colette Trygg, Sallee Young, Victor Paddock, Rochelle Costanten, Anne Cribbs
-(Not Rated)
-Media Viewed: VHS
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**SPOILER REVIEW** This silly slasher flick is notable for exercise guru Jake Steinfeld's awful turn as the killer. In an isolated ranch house, a group of friends gather for a big meal. I see turkey, I see cranberry sauce, but no one ever mentions the word "Thanksgiving." The characters include a Mexican singer, her blustery boyfriend, a little girl, a record exec, his girlfriend, another woman, and a golden blonde couple who are the obvious heroes. Oh, I forgot the exec's son- a talking mime who plays an unplugged electric guitar. You want him to be the first to die, but we don't get everything we wish for. Everyone is dispatched one by one in the course of the evening.
While car trouble has long been a staple of this type of film, this is not satisfied with one breaking down. We have TWO cars not start, meaning the victims, I mean occupants, must get out, and walk, and die. Everyone is killed by Jake, who sports David Hasselhoff's "Knight Rider"-era hair and a big knife. The gore consists of fake blood, liberally spilled. Not only is the production amateurish, so is the post-production, as most of the dialogue, and Jake's maniacal laugh, are dubbed. The silliest aspect of the film is the amount of characters who go "looking" for other characters. Half the cast leaves and is killed, and the remaining survivors come up with the worst excuses for where they could be. How many Thanksgiving meals are interrupted by sudden trips to the local bar to watch the big game?
If you want to pity anyone (besides me for sitting through this), pity the little girl who at one point is abandoned in a dark room with killer Jake. Only after the heroic couple vacate the premises do they decide they should probably try to retrieve the defenseless child. It is this kind of stupidity that takes the smallest amount of campy fun out of this effort. In the end, Jake is un-killable because he is on PCP- at least it wasn't because of something dumb. "Home Sweet Home" is one unwelcome guest, skip it. Also known as "Slasher in the House" and "Bloodparty."
Stats:
(1981) 87 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Nettie Pena
-Written by Thomas Bush
-Cast: Jake Steinfeld, Vinessa Shaw, Peter De Paula, Don Edmonds, Charles Hoyes, David Mielke, Leia Naron, Lisa Antille, Colette Trygg, Sallee Young, Victor Paddock, Rochelle Costanten, Anne Cribbs
-(Not Rated)
-Media Viewed: VHS
Schizoid (1980)
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Who is killing the women in Julie's (Marianna Hill) therapy group? Is it the creepy psychiatrist Pieter (Klaus Kinski)? His troubled daughter Alison (Donna Wilkes)? Julie's grinning ex-husband Doug (Craig Wasson)? What about Gilbert (a young Christopher Lloyd), the bitter handyman? Or even the even younger-looking detective Jake (Joe Regalbuto)?
Hill plays an advice columnist who is having more problems than a week's worth of Ann Landers letters. She is receiving death threats, and someone is killing the women in her group with a large pair of scissors. The killer, whom I figured out right away, wears a fedora and coat, a striking silhouette in the un-scary killing scenes. Julie is also messing around with the chain-smoking Pieter, resulting in a sex scene I could have gone all my life without seeing. Pieter is sleeping with a stripper/patient, and he, uh, "analyzes her feelings" against a hot water heater, resulting in another sex scene I could have gone my whole life without seeing. The finale takes place in Julie's newspaper office, as the film makers drag the proceedings out by assembling all of the suspects together, like an Agatha Christie novel, except with shootings and stabbings instead of a parlor full of upper class Brits and a brilliant detective.
Filmed and released in 1980, this has all the makings of a slasher film. The few killings here are not all that gory, but violent. The name cast try their best. Paulsen's direction is void of suspense as he hopes his mediocre script will carry the film. Instead, it becomes gimmicky and silly, but trudges along like this is Shakespeare. Between the awful synth score, the scissors have their own theme when they appear, and Kinski's overbaked performance, a viewer must take this with a grain of salt. I cannot recommend this.
Stats:
(1979) 87 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by David Paulsen
-Cast: Klaus Kinski, Marianna Hill, Donna Wilkes, Craig Wasson, Christopher Lloyd, Joe Regalbuto, Richard Herd, Flo Lawrence, Kiva Lawrence, Claude Duvernoy, Cindy Donlan, Jon Greene, David Assael
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
*Get "My Best Friend" on Amazon here*
*Watch "Creation Is Violent: Anecdotes from Kinski's Final Years" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get Kinski Uncut: The Autobiography of Klaus Kinski by Klaus Kinski*
Who is killing the women in Julie's (Marianna Hill) therapy group? Is it the creepy psychiatrist Pieter (Klaus Kinski)? His troubled daughter Alison (Donna Wilkes)? Julie's grinning ex-husband Doug (Craig Wasson)? What about Gilbert (a young Christopher Lloyd), the bitter handyman? Or even the even younger-looking detective Jake (Joe Regalbuto)?
Hill plays an advice columnist who is having more problems than a week's worth of Ann Landers letters. She is receiving death threats, and someone is killing the women in her group with a large pair of scissors. The killer, whom I figured out right away, wears a fedora and coat, a striking silhouette in the un-scary killing scenes. Julie is also messing around with the chain-smoking Pieter, resulting in a sex scene I could have gone all my life without seeing. Pieter is sleeping with a stripper/patient, and he, uh, "analyzes her feelings" against a hot water heater, resulting in another sex scene I could have gone my whole life without seeing. The finale takes place in Julie's newspaper office, as the film makers drag the proceedings out by assembling all of the suspects together, like an Agatha Christie novel, except with shootings and stabbings instead of a parlor full of upper class Brits and a brilliant detective.
Filmed and released in 1980, this has all the makings of a slasher film. The few killings here are not all that gory, but violent. The name cast try their best. Paulsen's direction is void of suspense as he hopes his mediocre script will carry the film. Instead, it becomes gimmicky and silly, but trudges along like this is Shakespeare. Between the awful synth score, the scissors have their own theme when they appear, and Kinski's overbaked performance, a viewer must take this with a grain of salt. I cannot recommend this.
Stats:
(1979) 87 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by David Paulsen
-Cast: Klaus Kinski, Marianna Hill, Donna Wilkes, Craig Wasson, Christopher Lloyd, Joe Regalbuto, Richard Herd, Flo Lawrence, Kiva Lawrence, Claude Duvernoy, Cindy Donlan, Jon Greene, David Assael
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
Thursday, July 24, 2025
Racquet (1979)
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You'd think a sex comedy centering around a tennis club would score a few laughs. You thought wrong.
Perennial game show host Bert Convy is good as Tommy, a former Wimbledon champion who now gives lessons to fat old ladies like Mrs. Kaufman (Dorothy Konrad). He gives Leslie (Edie Adams) her lessons in the sack, taking part in some embarrassing sexual fantasies. After being shown a house in Beverly Hills with a tennis court by horny realtor Miss Baxter (Susan Tyrrell), Tommy decides to open a tennis school so he can be his own boss. His current boss, Charlie (Bobby Riggs, who couldn't act his way out of a moist sweatband), is nice enough but Tommy wants to be in charge. Lots of different "screwball" incidents occur. Tommy is still in bed with Leslie when her husband (Phil Silvers) comes home. Tommy is robbed, runs from the cops, and has a run-in with a couple of drag queens before being rescued by Leslie's houseguest Melissa (Katherine Moffatt). She treats Tommy like meat, and insults Tommy's platonic roommate Bambi (Tanya Roberts). Old flame Monica (Lynda Day George) returns to town, and Tommy tries to woo her while sleeping with the older women for seed money for the school. Will he choose love over meaningless sex? Three guesses.
For all the females in this film, there is almost no nudity. Convy takes his shirt off more than anyone else. The screenwriters take Tommy from one goofy situation to another, but none of the laughs score, this is dumb stuff. Director Winters makes the best of his helicopter rental, as there are more flying shots here than in the invasion scene of "Apocalypse Now." Winters also likes musical montages, since he drags three of them out to pad the running time. Real life tennis pros Elie Nastase, Bjorn Borg, and the aforementioned Bobby Riggs appear. Nastase is lucky, he is in some tournament stock footage, but Riggs and Borg get lines. They should have stuck to the court.
Despite Convy's charisma, and the fact that this may be the only time you hear him swear onscreen, "Racquet" is one loser comedy.
Stats:
(1979) 87 min. (1/10)
-Directed by David Winters
-Screenplay by Steve Michaels & Earle Doud
-Cast: Bert Convy, Lynda Day George, Phil Silvers, Edie Adams, Tanya Roberts, Bobby Riggs, Susan Tyrrell, Katherine Moffat, Dorothy Konrad, Bruce Kimmel, Bjorn Borg, Monti Rock III, Dick Yarmy
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
*Get Game Show Confidential: The Story of an American Obsession by Boze Hadleigh on Amazon here*
*Get Sing a Pretty Song: The Offbeat Life of Edie Adams, Including the Ernie Kovacs Years by Edie Adams and Robert Windeler on Amazon here*
*Get The Laugh Is On Me: The Phil Silvers Story by Phil Silvers with Robert Saffron on Amazon here*
You'd think a sex comedy centering around a tennis club would score a few laughs. You thought wrong.
Perennial game show host Bert Convy is good as Tommy, a former Wimbledon champion who now gives lessons to fat old ladies like Mrs. Kaufman (Dorothy Konrad). He gives Leslie (Edie Adams) her lessons in the sack, taking part in some embarrassing sexual fantasies. After being shown a house in Beverly Hills with a tennis court by horny realtor Miss Baxter (Susan Tyrrell), Tommy decides to open a tennis school so he can be his own boss. His current boss, Charlie (Bobby Riggs, who couldn't act his way out of a moist sweatband), is nice enough but Tommy wants to be in charge. Lots of different "screwball" incidents occur. Tommy is still in bed with Leslie when her husband (Phil Silvers) comes home. Tommy is robbed, runs from the cops, and has a run-in with a couple of drag queens before being rescued by Leslie's houseguest Melissa (Katherine Moffatt). She treats Tommy like meat, and insults Tommy's platonic roommate Bambi (Tanya Roberts). Old flame Monica (Lynda Day George) returns to town, and Tommy tries to woo her while sleeping with the older women for seed money for the school. Will he choose love over meaningless sex? Three guesses.
For all the females in this film, there is almost no nudity. Convy takes his shirt off more than anyone else. The screenwriters take Tommy from one goofy situation to another, but none of the laughs score, this is dumb stuff. Director Winters makes the best of his helicopter rental, as there are more flying shots here than in the invasion scene of "Apocalypse Now." Winters also likes musical montages, since he drags three of them out to pad the running time. Real life tennis pros Elie Nastase, Bjorn Borg, and the aforementioned Bobby Riggs appear. Nastase is lucky, he is in some tournament stock footage, but Riggs and Borg get lines. They should have stuck to the court.
Despite Convy's charisma, and the fact that this may be the only time you hear him swear onscreen, "Racquet" is one loser comedy.
Stats:
(1979) 87 min. (1/10)
-Directed by David Winters
-Screenplay by Steve Michaels & Earle Doud
-Cast: Bert Convy, Lynda Day George, Phil Silvers, Edie Adams, Tanya Roberts, Bobby Riggs, Susan Tyrrell, Katherine Moffat, Dorothy Konrad, Bruce Kimmel, Bjorn Borg, Monti Rock III, Dick Yarmy
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
Quintet (1979)
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Ice. Snow. Constant wind. Young women carrying children are celebrated. Wild dogs roam the tundra, eating the constant supply of the dead. Everyone drinks, everyone is depressed, and everyone waits to die. This is the world of Robert Altman's film "Quintet," or as we call it in North Dakota in January- "Tuesday."
Essex (Paul Newman) and his pregnant girlfriend Vivia (Brigitte Fossey) arrive at a frozen city seeking Essex's brother, Francha (Tom Hill). In this futuristic ice age, the happy reunion is short-lived as Redstone (Craig Richard Nelson) bombs the family, killing everyone but the absent Essex. Essex chases Redstone, but St. Christopher (Vittorio Gassman) finds him first and kills him. Essex finds the body, steals his belongings, and assumes Redstone's identity. This also brings the only decently shot scene, as Essex saves Vivia's body from a pack of dogs by placing it in a running river. Essex enters the local Quintet tournament. Quintet is a game that looks like a combination of Backgammon and Yahtzee, yet more boring than either. The game's adjudicator, Grigor (Fernando Rey), knows Essex is an impostor, but allows him in anyway. Essex also meets Ambrosia (Bibi Andersson), and the two generate a spark since Essex's grieving process over losing Vivia and their unborn child lasted a week. Men dressed like a road company version of "The Private Life of Henry VIII" skulk around and wax idiotic on the meaning of life, and life as a game, and the game of life, and then off one another.
For a science fiction/action/mystery, you would be hard-pressed to find either genre done well. There is no basis in time for the story to take place. The characters use items in the future without explaining them to the audience, but the device does not work like it did in "Soylent Green." The action is minimal- two graphic, unconvincing throat-slittings, and a stilted chase on a glacier. There is no mystery, since everyone knows everyone else's hidden agendas. You do not have to be Hercule Poirot to figure out what is going on, but Altman treats his heavy story like it was brand new to all of us. Paul Newman is trapped in this film. He reads his lines fast, as if that would satisfy Altman's penchant for improvisation. There are scenes of dialogue where Newman listens or observes, and the dumbfounded look on his face says it all. Gassman and Rey look too much alike, I kept trying to keep them straight. Andersson plays the helpful love interest too sincerely, she is hiding something and it is just a matter of (a long) time before Essex catches on. The dialogue is stupid. The film tries hard to be deep and meaningful, and it is not. An English major could have a field day sorting through all the allegories, metaphors, similes, double meanings, and other hoo-haa, but these elements are surface and glib, they do not warrant rapt attention. The loud, funny, Tom Pierson musical score (dig that flute!) serves as a device to wake up a snoozing audience.
"Quintet" was filmed in Montreal, Canada. The barren location is the only thing right here. This is a boring, pretentious, directionless film. For the record, I fell asleep twice while watching this. Apocalypse Snore.
Stats:
(1979) 118 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Robert Altman
-Screenplay by Frank Barhydt & Robert Altman and Patricia Resnick, Story by Robert Altman & Lionel Chetwynd & Patricia Resnick
-Cast: Paul Newman, Bibi Andersson, Vittorio Gassman, Fernando Rey, Tom Hill, Brigitte Fossey, Craig Richard Nelson, Nina van Pallandt, David Langton, Thomas Hill, Monique Mercure, Maruska Stankova, Anne Gerety
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
*Watch "Altman" on Amazon Prime Video here*
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Ice. Snow. Constant wind. Young women carrying children are celebrated. Wild dogs roam the tundra, eating the constant supply of the dead. Everyone drinks, everyone is depressed, and everyone waits to die. This is the world of Robert Altman's film "Quintet," or as we call it in North Dakota in January- "Tuesday."
Essex (Paul Newman) and his pregnant girlfriend Vivia (Brigitte Fossey) arrive at a frozen city seeking Essex's brother, Francha (Tom Hill). In this futuristic ice age, the happy reunion is short-lived as Redstone (Craig Richard Nelson) bombs the family, killing everyone but the absent Essex. Essex chases Redstone, but St. Christopher (Vittorio Gassman) finds him first and kills him. Essex finds the body, steals his belongings, and assumes Redstone's identity. This also brings the only decently shot scene, as Essex saves Vivia's body from a pack of dogs by placing it in a running river. Essex enters the local Quintet tournament. Quintet is a game that looks like a combination of Backgammon and Yahtzee, yet more boring than either. The game's adjudicator, Grigor (Fernando Rey), knows Essex is an impostor, but allows him in anyway. Essex also meets Ambrosia (Bibi Andersson), and the two generate a spark since Essex's grieving process over losing Vivia and their unborn child lasted a week. Men dressed like a road company version of "The Private Life of Henry VIII" skulk around and wax idiotic on the meaning of life, and life as a game, and the game of life, and then off one another.
For a science fiction/action/mystery, you would be hard-pressed to find either genre done well. There is no basis in time for the story to take place. The characters use items in the future without explaining them to the audience, but the device does not work like it did in "Soylent Green." The action is minimal- two graphic, unconvincing throat-slittings, and a stilted chase on a glacier. There is no mystery, since everyone knows everyone else's hidden agendas. You do not have to be Hercule Poirot to figure out what is going on, but Altman treats his heavy story like it was brand new to all of us. Paul Newman is trapped in this film. He reads his lines fast, as if that would satisfy Altman's penchant for improvisation. There are scenes of dialogue where Newman listens or observes, and the dumbfounded look on his face says it all. Gassman and Rey look too much alike, I kept trying to keep them straight. Andersson plays the helpful love interest too sincerely, she is hiding something and it is just a matter of (a long) time before Essex catches on. The dialogue is stupid. The film tries hard to be deep and meaningful, and it is not. An English major could have a field day sorting through all the allegories, metaphors, similes, double meanings, and other hoo-haa, but these elements are surface and glib, they do not warrant rapt attention. The loud, funny, Tom Pierson musical score (dig that flute!) serves as a device to wake up a snoozing audience.
"Quintet" was filmed in Montreal, Canada. The barren location is the only thing right here. This is a boring, pretentious, directionless film. For the record, I fell asleep twice while watching this. Apocalypse Snore.
Stats:
(1979) 118 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Robert Altman
-Screenplay by Frank Barhydt & Robert Altman and Patricia Resnick, Story by Robert Altman & Lionel Chetwynd & Patricia Resnick
-Cast: Paul Newman, Bibi Andersson, Vittorio Gassman, Fernando Rey, Tom Hill, Brigitte Fossey, Craig Richard Nelson, Nina van Pallandt, David Langton, Thomas Hill, Monique Mercure, Maruska Stankova, Anne Gerety
-(R)
-Media Viewed: VHS
Rescue from Gilligan's Island (1978)
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I admit it. When I was a kid, I thought the television series "Gilligan's Island" was a laugh riot. When this film, the first of three chronicling what happened to the castaways, came out in 1978, ten year old me was giddy with anticipation. Watching this, as a grown man, was one of the worst experiences of my life, little buddy.
You remember the show- seven people are stranded on an uncharted island after a storm wrecks their boat. You have Gilligan (Bob Denver), the lovable, bumbling klutz. His boss is the Skipper (Alan Hale, Jr.). The Howells (Jim Backus and Natalie Schafer) are richer than God. Ginger (Judith Baldwin, after original TV cast member Tina Louise said no) is a famous movie star. The Professor (Russell Johnson) kept the group alive with his weird inventions and expertise turning jungle items into food and shelter. Mary Ann (Dawn Wells) was the farm girl with a heart as big as the great outdoors.
When the film opens, the group has been stranded on the island for fifteen years. A Russian spy satellite has been destroyed in space, and a strange disc drops out of it right into the island's lagoon. The Professor figures out a way to turn the strange disc into a barometer, and forecasts a giant storm and tsunami will wipe out the island. The group lashes their huts together, the storm comes, and the Coast Guard finds the castaways and brings them to Hawaii, and they resettle back in the continental United States. The Skipper's insurance company won't pay for a second boat until he can collect everyone's signature on an affidavit saying the initial shipwreck was not his fault. Two Russian spies (Art LaFleur, Vincent Schiavelli) follow the Skipper and Gilligan as they visit their old friends. The spies need to get the disc back, and Gilligan is wearing it around his neck. The late 1970's is a scary place, as Gilligan and the Skipper find out, and none of the other castaways seem to be doing very well.
I know, I know. I'm not the audience for this gunk, I'm not a kid anymore, and the original show is an icon to sitcom lovers everywhere. I know all that. I also know that it took four people to write this, it runs a little over an hour and a half, and I did not laugh once. I smiled when the Howells would make a remark about being rich, but other than that, nothing. I didn't want a heavy drama about the castaways readjusting to life on their return, but wow, this is so badly written and shot. I won't go into how the cast or crew does, because it's all inept. Don't go into this expecting to feel a wave of nostalgia wash over you, I was distracted by the awful public domain picture and waves of nausea.
I found myself pondering the question asked by other children of the '70's and '80's, and unoriginal stand-up comedians everywhere: how did Gilligan survive for so long? How was he not strangled to death within a week of the shipwreck by the other cast members? Stage your own rescue- don't watch this. Followed by "The Castaways on Gilligan's Island" and "The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island," which sound terrible.
Stats:
(1978) 95 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Leslie H. Martinson
-Written by Sherwood Schwartz & Elroy Schwartz & Al Schwartz & David P. Harmon, Created by Sherwood Schwartz
-Cast: Bob Denver, Alan Hale Jr., Jim Backus, Natalie Schafer, Russell Johnson, Dawn Wells, Judith Baldwin, Vincent Schiavelli, Art LaFleur, Norman Bartold, Barbara Mallory, June Whitley Taylor, Martin Rudy
-(Not Rated)
-Media Viewed: VHS
*Get Gilligan's Island: The Complete Series Collection on Amazon here*
*Watch "The Gilligan Manifesto" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get Gilligan's Island clothing and merchandise on Amazon here*
I admit it. When I was a kid, I thought the television series "Gilligan's Island" was a laugh riot. When this film, the first of three chronicling what happened to the castaways, came out in 1978, ten year old me was giddy with anticipation. Watching this, as a grown man, was one of the worst experiences of my life, little buddy.
You remember the show- seven people are stranded on an uncharted island after a storm wrecks their boat. You have Gilligan (Bob Denver), the lovable, bumbling klutz. His boss is the Skipper (Alan Hale, Jr.). The Howells (Jim Backus and Natalie Schafer) are richer than God. Ginger (Judith Baldwin, after original TV cast member Tina Louise said no) is a famous movie star. The Professor (Russell Johnson) kept the group alive with his weird inventions and expertise turning jungle items into food and shelter. Mary Ann (Dawn Wells) was the farm girl with a heart as big as the great outdoors.
When the film opens, the group has been stranded on the island for fifteen years. A Russian spy satellite has been destroyed in space, and a strange disc drops out of it right into the island's lagoon. The Professor figures out a way to turn the strange disc into a barometer, and forecasts a giant storm and tsunami will wipe out the island. The group lashes their huts together, the storm comes, and the Coast Guard finds the castaways and brings them to Hawaii, and they resettle back in the continental United States. The Skipper's insurance company won't pay for a second boat until he can collect everyone's signature on an affidavit saying the initial shipwreck was not his fault. Two Russian spies (Art LaFleur, Vincent Schiavelli) follow the Skipper and Gilligan as they visit their old friends. The spies need to get the disc back, and Gilligan is wearing it around his neck. The late 1970's is a scary place, as Gilligan and the Skipper find out, and none of the other castaways seem to be doing very well.
I know, I know. I'm not the audience for this gunk, I'm not a kid anymore, and the original show is an icon to sitcom lovers everywhere. I know all that. I also know that it took four people to write this, it runs a little over an hour and a half, and I did not laugh once. I smiled when the Howells would make a remark about being rich, but other than that, nothing. I didn't want a heavy drama about the castaways readjusting to life on their return, but wow, this is so badly written and shot. I won't go into how the cast or crew does, because it's all inept. Don't go into this expecting to feel a wave of nostalgia wash over you, I was distracted by the awful public domain picture and waves of nausea.
I found myself pondering the question asked by other children of the '70's and '80's, and unoriginal stand-up comedians everywhere: how did Gilligan survive for so long? How was he not strangled to death within a week of the shipwreck by the other cast members? Stage your own rescue- don't watch this. Followed by "The Castaways on Gilligan's Island" and "The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island," which sound terrible.
Stats:
(1978) 95 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Leslie H. Martinson
-Written by Sherwood Schwartz & Elroy Schwartz & Al Schwartz & David P. Harmon, Created by Sherwood Schwartz
-Cast: Bob Denver, Alan Hale Jr., Jim Backus, Natalie Schafer, Russell Johnson, Dawn Wells, Judith Baldwin, Vincent Schiavelli, Art LaFleur, Norman Bartold, Barbara Mallory, June Whitley Taylor, Martin Rudy
-(Not Rated)
-Media Viewed: VHS
Spider-Man: The Dragon's Challenge (1979)
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Peter Parker (Nicholas Hammond) is an earnest photographer for editor J. Jonah Jameson (Robert F. Simon). The plot is way too complicated for a two-part episode of a network television series: Min Lo Chan (Benson Fong) arrives in New York City from Hong Kong. He is to become a minister in the Chinese government, and villain Zeider (Richard Erdman) wants him dead so he could get a steel mill contract. Min, on the other hand, is up on charges of selling Chinese military secrets to some U.S. Marines in WWII. Min wants to clear his name, and needs to find the three Marines in order to have them tell their side of the story. Min is good friends with Jameson, so he goes to the cranky editor for help. Min drags his poor niece Emily (Rosalind Chao) along as Parker and Min hunt for the Marines, and Spider-Man conveniently pops up to save the day. The last half of the film is shot on location in Hong Kong, as we Americans offend the Far East with cheesy action sequences.
I really tried to get into this. Ted Danson pops up in one scene, as the most unconvincing Marine Corps officer ever filmed. I thought it was funny that the first episode- I mean, the first half of the film- took place in New York City, film makers obviously shot some of this in Southern California. Hammond is good as Parker, but the costumed Spider-Man is awful. However, this bored me. No one could figure out Parker is Spider-Man, until one scene where Emily unmasks him (after he gets hurt AGAIN), and that scene is glossed over. The film makers try to take advantage of Hong Kong locales, but the story is convoluted and lame, it is a shame they went through the money and effort. The direction is standard. The script is jumpy because it is two hour-long episodes edited together. When Spider-Man climbs a building, you can see rope and machines pulling him up. Spidey gets shot, twice!, but in each arm. The whole thing is laughable- Parker goes "undercover" by disguising himself as a Chinese stereotype, right down to dark pajamas and a straw hat.
This might find new life thanks to all the "Spider-Man" films constantly coming out, but do yourself a favor and go to the theater instead. Also known as "The Amazing Spider-Man"'s episode's title, "The Chinese Web."
Stats:
(1979) 92 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Don McDougall
-Written by Lionel E. Siegel
-Cast: Nicholas Hammond, Rosalind Chao, Robert F. Simon, Benson Fong, Richard Erdman, Ted Danson, George Cheung, Chip Fields, Ellen Bry, Hagan Beggs, John Milford, Anthony Charnota, Tony Clark
-(TV-PG)
-Media Viewed: VHS
*Get Nicholas Hammond autographed collectibles on Amazon here*
*Get Mighty Marvel Masterworks: The Amazing Spider-Man by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko on Amazon here*
*Get Oceana: Our Endangered Oceans and What We Can Do to Save Them by Ted Danson with Michael D'Orso on Amazon here*
Peter Parker (Nicholas Hammond) is an earnest photographer for editor J. Jonah Jameson (Robert F. Simon). The plot is way too complicated for a two-part episode of a network television series: Min Lo Chan (Benson Fong) arrives in New York City from Hong Kong. He is to become a minister in the Chinese government, and villain Zeider (Richard Erdman) wants him dead so he could get a steel mill contract. Min, on the other hand, is up on charges of selling Chinese military secrets to some U.S. Marines in WWII. Min wants to clear his name, and needs to find the three Marines in order to have them tell their side of the story. Min is good friends with Jameson, so he goes to the cranky editor for help. Min drags his poor niece Emily (Rosalind Chao) along as Parker and Min hunt for the Marines, and Spider-Man conveniently pops up to save the day. The last half of the film is shot on location in Hong Kong, as we Americans offend the Far East with cheesy action sequences.
I really tried to get into this. Ted Danson pops up in one scene, as the most unconvincing Marine Corps officer ever filmed. I thought it was funny that the first episode- I mean, the first half of the film- took place in New York City, film makers obviously shot some of this in Southern California. Hammond is good as Parker, but the costumed Spider-Man is awful. However, this bored me. No one could figure out Parker is Spider-Man, until one scene where Emily unmasks him (after he gets hurt AGAIN), and that scene is glossed over. The film makers try to take advantage of Hong Kong locales, but the story is convoluted and lame, it is a shame they went through the money and effort. The direction is standard. The script is jumpy because it is two hour-long episodes edited together. When Spider-Man climbs a building, you can see rope and machines pulling him up. Spidey gets shot, twice!, but in each arm. The whole thing is laughable- Parker goes "undercover" by disguising himself as a Chinese stereotype, right down to dark pajamas and a straw hat.
This might find new life thanks to all the "Spider-Man" films constantly coming out, but do yourself a favor and go to the theater instead. Also known as "The Amazing Spider-Man"'s episode's title, "The Chinese Web."
Stats:
(1979) 92 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Don McDougall
-Written by Lionel E. Siegel
-Cast: Nicholas Hammond, Rosalind Chao, Robert F. Simon, Benson Fong, Richard Erdman, Ted Danson, George Cheung, Chip Fields, Ellen Bry, Hagan Beggs, John Milford, Anthony Charnota, Tony Clark
-(TV-PG)
-Media Viewed: VHS
Wednesday, July 23, 2025
She Came to the Valley (1979)
*Get "She Came to the Valley" on Amazon here*
*Get She Came to the Valley by Cleo Dawson on Amazon here*
*Get "Welcome" by Ronee Blakley on Amazon here*
*Get "Greatest Hits" by Freddy Fender on Amazon here*
Two Academy Award nominees, an Emmy nominee, and a Grammy Award winning singer get mired in a horrible western that is a chore to endure.
Willy (Ronee Blakley) and Pat (Dean Stockwell) move to the scrub country of Texas. Pat was hurt when a box fell on him, so Willy finds herself doing most of the work around their isolated ranch. Up rides Bill (Scott Glenn) for no other reason than to move the story along by suggesting the family move closer to the Rio Grande river. The couple and their two young daughters do so, settling in the new town of Mission. Willy follows through with her dream of owning a store while racist Pat drinks. The Texans worry about Pancho Villa (Freddy Fender?) looting the hamlet, and one night Mission is raided. It turns out Bill has been running guns for Villa when he's not making googly eyes at Willy. The Mexican Army has been putting on peasant clothing and pretending to be Villa's men, then raiding the American side of the border. Bill's captured, and Villa rides to rescue him, but only after Willy shames him into doing so.
This is another film in the public domain so the print is awful but the story is also unwatchable. Stockwell tries to perform, and Blakley spends her screen time staring off into space. The screenplay is full of "dramatic" moments that had me giggling- Pat's smashing of his leg brace against a wagon wheel, a rabid coyote attacks one of the daughters, and most of the supporting cast telling Willy what a wonderful person she is. Pat dies...no, not a spoiler, this happens at the beginning of the film, but the way he dies is hilarious. I began talking to the screen, MST3K-style, as the story wore on and on, and nothing happened. Director/co-writer Band did not seem to have any sort of plan when it came to shooting this film. You could hum along with poor Fender as he is forced to sing the awkward title song, or feel embarrassed for the actors as they step on each other's lines and wait for Band to yell "cut."
"She Came to the Valley," also known as "She Came FROM the Valley" (whut?) and "Texas in Flames," is the worst western I have seen since "Apache Blood" and "Texas Rangers." The onscreen talent never had a chance.
Stats:
(1979) 92 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Albert Band
-Screenplay by Frank Ray Perilli & Albert Band based on the novel by Cleo Dawson
-Cast: Ronee Blakley, Dean Stockwell, Scott Glenn, Freddy Fender, Anna Jones, Jennifer Jones, Rafael Flores Jr., Les Brecht, Frank Benedetto, Sol Marroquin, Evelyn Guerrero, Ruth Reeves, Claus Eggers
-(PG)
-Media Viewed: VHS
*Get She Came to the Valley by Cleo Dawson on Amazon here*
*Get "Welcome" by Ronee Blakley on Amazon here*
*Get "Greatest Hits" by Freddy Fender on Amazon here*
Two Academy Award nominees, an Emmy nominee, and a Grammy Award winning singer get mired in a horrible western that is a chore to endure.
Willy (Ronee Blakley) and Pat (Dean Stockwell) move to the scrub country of Texas. Pat was hurt when a box fell on him, so Willy finds herself doing most of the work around their isolated ranch. Up rides Bill (Scott Glenn) for no other reason than to move the story along by suggesting the family move closer to the Rio Grande river. The couple and their two young daughters do so, settling in the new town of Mission. Willy follows through with her dream of owning a store while racist Pat drinks. The Texans worry about Pancho Villa (Freddy Fender?) looting the hamlet, and one night Mission is raided. It turns out Bill has been running guns for Villa when he's not making googly eyes at Willy. The Mexican Army has been putting on peasant clothing and pretending to be Villa's men, then raiding the American side of the border. Bill's captured, and Villa rides to rescue him, but only after Willy shames him into doing so.
This is another film in the public domain so the print is awful but the story is also unwatchable. Stockwell tries to perform, and Blakley spends her screen time staring off into space. The screenplay is full of "dramatic" moments that had me giggling- Pat's smashing of his leg brace against a wagon wheel, a rabid coyote attacks one of the daughters, and most of the supporting cast telling Willy what a wonderful person she is. Pat dies...no, not a spoiler, this happens at the beginning of the film, but the way he dies is hilarious. I began talking to the screen, MST3K-style, as the story wore on and on, and nothing happened. Director/co-writer Band did not seem to have any sort of plan when it came to shooting this film. You could hum along with poor Fender as he is forced to sing the awkward title song, or feel embarrassed for the actors as they step on each other's lines and wait for Band to yell "cut."
"She Came to the Valley," also known as "She Came FROM the Valley" (whut?) and "Texas in Flames," is the worst western I have seen since "Apache Blood" and "Texas Rangers." The onscreen talent never had a chance.
Stats:
(1979) 92 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Albert Band
-Screenplay by Frank Ray Perilli & Albert Band based on the novel by Cleo Dawson
-Cast: Ronee Blakley, Dean Stockwell, Scott Glenn, Freddy Fender, Anna Jones, Jennifer Jones, Rafael Flores Jr., Les Brecht, Frank Benedetto, Sol Marroquin, Evelyn Guerrero, Ruth Reeves, Claus Eggers
-(PG)
-Media Viewed: VHS
The Call of the Wild (2020)
*Get "The Call of the Wild" (2020) on Amazon here*
*Get "Call of the Wild" (1935) on Amazon here*
*Get "The Call of the Wild" (1972) on Amazon here*
*Get The Call of the Wild by Jack London on Amazon here*
Maybe I shouldn't have finished Jack London's celebrated novel, and then watched this sanitized film the same day.
Set in the early 1900's, Buck, a half St. Bernard/half Shepherd mix dog, is a goofy screw-up in the same vein as "Clifford the Big Red Dog" or "Beethoven," wreaking havoc in Judge Miller's (Bradley Whitford) household. Buck is kidnapped, sold, and tossed on a ship headed to the Klondike Gold Rush, where he is put onto a mail delivery team run by Perrault (Omar Sy) and Francoise (Cara Gee), running into John (Harrison Ford) here and there in a gold rush town. Buck asserts his dominance with the team after a bunch of screw-ups, is bought by tenderfoot Hal (Dan Stevens) and his brood, and eventually finds his way back into the loving arms of John, who is suffering on his own. John is invigorated by Buck, and takes him on a hunt for fabled treasure that would prove to be their last adventure together.
We need to address the elephant in the room- Buck is computer animated, CGI, whatever you want to call it, and it is very noticeable. I could understand if it was needed to not put a real dog in peril, but since Buck is in almost every scene, it takes you out of the film from start to finish. Director Sanders' background is in animation, and every shot is manufactured and unrealistic- never has a squalid mining town looked so dainty. London's novel was a bloody, violent affair, but the film makers opted to make a message-filled movie, with a story that is kicked into overdrive so the kids don't get bored. The screenwriter messes with the basic plot of the novel, taking attention away from Buck to give Ford some acting scenes. Other important plot points are dropped entirely, perhaps explaining Michael Horse's one scene. The movie is breathtaking in its bogus look, but the live action/animation hybrid does not work. The novel was told from Buck's point of view, and with this film, he has been gifted with Superdog powers like facial expressions, English language comprehension, alcohol abstinence, and perhaps the ability to read. Buck's transition from dumb dog to leader of the pack is quicker than Jack going bonkers in "The Shining," and the musical score sounds too similar to another animated wilderness-bound misfire "The Good Dinosaur." I did like the personification (dogification?) of Buck's ancestral call in the shape of a gray wolf with glowing eyes but that is introduced and dropped quickly. I've lived in North Dakota for most of my life, I know cold weather, and no amount of computer animation can replace actual location shooting. It was nice to see Ford smile onscreen again, I'm not a fan of the cranky old dude persona that he's been trotting out for the last few years. His performance is reliable, but nothing spectacular. The producers do make with some woke messaging here and there, and it stands out only because I read the novel, and common sense would tell you that the Klondike Gold Rush could not have been this antiseptic and progressive.
London's story has been told a number of times onscreen, it would be interesting to track down the other versions as well since this version of "The Call of the Wild" couldn't possibly be "the best." You might stick to reading the original novel instead.
Stats:
(2020) 100 min. (3/10)
-Directed by Chris Sanders
-Screenplay by Michael Green based on the novel by Jack London
-Cast: Harrison Ford, Omar Sy, Cara Gee, Dan Stevens, Bradley Whitford, Jean Louisa Kelly, Michael Horse, Karen Gillan, Colin Woodell, Micah Fitzgerald, Heather McPhaul, Adam Fergus, Stephanie Czajkowski
-(PG)- Physical violence, mild gun violence, some adult situations, alcohol use
-Media Viewed: Digital
*Get "Call of the Wild" (1935) on Amazon here*
*Get "The Call of the Wild" (1972) on Amazon here*
*Get The Call of the Wild by Jack London on Amazon here*
Maybe I shouldn't have finished Jack London's celebrated novel, and then watched this sanitized film the same day.
Set in the early 1900's, Buck, a half St. Bernard/half Shepherd mix dog, is a goofy screw-up in the same vein as "Clifford the Big Red Dog" or "Beethoven," wreaking havoc in Judge Miller's (Bradley Whitford) household. Buck is kidnapped, sold, and tossed on a ship headed to the Klondike Gold Rush, where he is put onto a mail delivery team run by Perrault (Omar Sy) and Francoise (Cara Gee), running into John (Harrison Ford) here and there in a gold rush town. Buck asserts his dominance with the team after a bunch of screw-ups, is bought by tenderfoot Hal (Dan Stevens) and his brood, and eventually finds his way back into the loving arms of John, who is suffering on his own. John is invigorated by Buck, and takes him on a hunt for fabled treasure that would prove to be their last adventure together.
We need to address the elephant in the room- Buck is computer animated, CGI, whatever you want to call it, and it is very noticeable. I could understand if it was needed to not put a real dog in peril, but since Buck is in almost every scene, it takes you out of the film from start to finish. Director Sanders' background is in animation, and every shot is manufactured and unrealistic- never has a squalid mining town looked so dainty. London's novel was a bloody, violent affair, but the film makers opted to make a message-filled movie, with a story that is kicked into overdrive so the kids don't get bored. The screenwriter messes with the basic plot of the novel, taking attention away from Buck to give Ford some acting scenes. Other important plot points are dropped entirely, perhaps explaining Michael Horse's one scene. The movie is breathtaking in its bogus look, but the live action/animation hybrid does not work. The novel was told from Buck's point of view, and with this film, he has been gifted with Superdog powers like facial expressions, English language comprehension, alcohol abstinence, and perhaps the ability to read. Buck's transition from dumb dog to leader of the pack is quicker than Jack going bonkers in "The Shining," and the musical score sounds too similar to another animated wilderness-bound misfire "The Good Dinosaur." I did like the personification (dogification?) of Buck's ancestral call in the shape of a gray wolf with glowing eyes but that is introduced and dropped quickly. I've lived in North Dakota for most of my life, I know cold weather, and no amount of computer animation can replace actual location shooting. It was nice to see Ford smile onscreen again, I'm not a fan of the cranky old dude persona that he's been trotting out for the last few years. His performance is reliable, but nothing spectacular. The producers do make with some woke messaging here and there, and it stands out only because I read the novel, and common sense would tell you that the Klondike Gold Rush could not have been this antiseptic and progressive.
London's story has been told a number of times onscreen, it would be interesting to track down the other versions as well since this version of "The Call of the Wild" couldn't possibly be "the best." You might stick to reading the original novel instead.
Stats:
(2020) 100 min. (3/10)
-Directed by Chris Sanders
-Screenplay by Michael Green based on the novel by Jack London
-Cast: Harrison Ford, Omar Sy, Cara Gee, Dan Stevens, Bradley Whitford, Jean Louisa Kelly, Michael Horse, Karen Gillan, Colin Woodell, Micah Fitzgerald, Heather McPhaul, Adam Fergus, Stephanie Czajkowski
-(PG)- Physical violence, mild gun violence, some adult situations, alcohol use
-Media Viewed: Digital
Tuesday, July 22, 2025
Season for Assassins (1975)
*Get "Il Tempo Degli Assassini" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
*Get Joe Dallesandro: Warhol Superstar, Underground Film Icon, Actor by Michael Ferguson on Amazon here*
*Get Little Joe, Superstar: The Films of Joe Dallesandro by Michael Ferguson on Amazon here*
*Get A Happy Man: In Conversation with Rossano Brazzi by Lynn Florkiewicz on Amazon here*
Joe Dallesandro and his gang of annoying juvenile delinquents take on police commissioner Cutroni (Martin Balsam) and his understaffed police force. Bored, yet?
Pierro (Joe Dallesandro) is a real sociopath. He has a former hooker wife and a sick baby at home, but he is always hanging out with his gang of ne'er-do-wells. The gang participates in random acts of violence, and the occasional small-time burglary for the local crime lord. Sure, we all want something out of life, and Pierro has dreams. Giant, illegal dreams. He wants to score a big-time burglary for the local crime lord. The police commissioner's (Martin Balsam) hands are tied when it comes to the gang, he seems to find an excuse to let a gang member go on the flimsiest of technicalities. There are two people trying to change Pierro for the better. Father Eugenio (Rossano Brazzi) takes care of Pierro's father in an asylum, and admonishes the vile gang of hoodlums with stern looks, quick forgiveness, and rousing games of checkers. Shy virgin Sandra (Cinzia Mambretti) is intrigued by Pierro, and falls in love with him. The gang's rather clever burgling of an apartment gets them a job robbing a jewelry store owner. The police are there, tipped off, and one gang member is shot. The rest of the gang escapes, since the film makes it obvious that the Italian police are the world's worst pursuers. Pierro's life begins to unravel when Father Eugenio is attacked by the gang, Pierro's wife starts selling herself on the street corner again, Sandra is pregos, and Pierro decides to kill whomever squealed info to the police, all while Cutroni sulks in his office and yells at underlings.
I am no lawyer, or cop, but I would imagine the Rome police are more equipped at handling crime than this film would have you believe. The gang assaults, rapes, kills, and pees in public, but the only time the police show up involves cop cars careening down embankments, smashing into parked vehicles, and radioing HQ that "we lost them." Is Pierro our hero? The majority of the film dwells on his degenerate life, making me wonder why the screenwriters found him so fascinating. Balsam's Cutroni is a frustration. We don't want a dirty cop fabricating evidence to hold a suspected criminal, but Cutroni plays catch-and-release so often you would expect fishing licenses to be involved. The action scenes are grinding, no one has filmed a really good chase scene involving tiny, harmless European cars except for the makers of "The Italian Job." The film was shot in Italian and dubbed into English, which explains many a failed scene due to bad translation- the HAM radio scene with French language and Italian subtitles- and the nonsensical English name of the film (what assassins?).
There is a season, turn, turn, turn it off. Also known as "Il Tempo Degli Assassini."
Stats:
(1975) 102 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Marcello Andrei
-Written by Piero Regnoli & Alvaro Barizio & Marcello Andrei
-Cast: Joe Dallesandro, Martin Balsam, Rossano Brazzi, Cinzia Mambretti, Magali Noel, Gianluca Farnese, Settimio Segnatelli, Giampiero Vinciguerra, Maria Rosaria Riuzzi, Sergio Tappa, Giovanna Mainardi, Piero Gerlini, Rosario Borelli
-(Not Rated)
-Media Viewed: VHS
*Get Joe Dallesandro: Warhol Superstar, Underground Film Icon, Actor by Michael Ferguson on Amazon here*
*Get Little Joe, Superstar: The Films of Joe Dallesandro by Michael Ferguson on Amazon here*
*Get A Happy Man: In Conversation with Rossano Brazzi by Lynn Florkiewicz on Amazon here*
Joe Dallesandro and his gang of annoying juvenile delinquents take on police commissioner Cutroni (Martin Balsam) and his understaffed police force. Bored, yet?
Pierro (Joe Dallesandro) is a real sociopath. He has a former hooker wife and a sick baby at home, but he is always hanging out with his gang of ne'er-do-wells. The gang participates in random acts of violence, and the occasional small-time burglary for the local crime lord. Sure, we all want something out of life, and Pierro has dreams. Giant, illegal dreams. He wants to score a big-time burglary for the local crime lord. The police commissioner's (Martin Balsam) hands are tied when it comes to the gang, he seems to find an excuse to let a gang member go on the flimsiest of technicalities. There are two people trying to change Pierro for the better. Father Eugenio (Rossano Brazzi) takes care of Pierro's father in an asylum, and admonishes the vile gang of hoodlums with stern looks, quick forgiveness, and rousing games of checkers. Shy virgin Sandra (Cinzia Mambretti) is intrigued by Pierro, and falls in love with him. The gang's rather clever burgling of an apartment gets them a job robbing a jewelry store owner. The police are there, tipped off, and one gang member is shot. The rest of the gang escapes, since the film makes it obvious that the Italian police are the world's worst pursuers. Pierro's life begins to unravel when Father Eugenio is attacked by the gang, Pierro's wife starts selling herself on the street corner again, Sandra is pregos, and Pierro decides to kill whomever squealed info to the police, all while Cutroni sulks in his office and yells at underlings.
I am no lawyer, or cop, but I would imagine the Rome police are more equipped at handling crime than this film would have you believe. The gang assaults, rapes, kills, and pees in public, but the only time the police show up involves cop cars careening down embankments, smashing into parked vehicles, and radioing HQ that "we lost them." Is Pierro our hero? The majority of the film dwells on his degenerate life, making me wonder why the screenwriters found him so fascinating. Balsam's Cutroni is a frustration. We don't want a dirty cop fabricating evidence to hold a suspected criminal, but Cutroni plays catch-and-release so often you would expect fishing licenses to be involved. The action scenes are grinding, no one has filmed a really good chase scene involving tiny, harmless European cars except for the makers of "The Italian Job." The film was shot in Italian and dubbed into English, which explains many a failed scene due to bad translation- the HAM radio scene with French language and Italian subtitles- and the nonsensical English name of the film (what assassins?).
There is a season, turn, turn, turn it off. Also known as "Il Tempo Degli Assassini."
Stats:
(1975) 102 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Marcello Andrei
-Written by Piero Regnoli & Alvaro Barizio & Marcello Andrei
-Cast: Joe Dallesandro, Martin Balsam, Rossano Brazzi, Cinzia Mambretti, Magali Noel, Gianluca Farnese, Settimio Segnatelli, Giampiero Vinciguerra, Maria Rosaria Riuzzi, Sergio Tappa, Giovanna Mainardi, Piero Gerlini, Rosario Borelli
-(Not Rated)
-Media Viewed: VHS
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