Stephen King: A Necessary Evil (2020)

I suspect this surface documentary was an excuse to tell the world how Stephen King felt about Donald Trump, and serves as King's coming out as a hardcore Liberal (in case your reading of his work hasn't told you that already). After all, the writer is rich enough not to care about losing fans.

Any fan or former fan knows the biographical basics of King's upbringing in Maine, before scoring his first hit novel Carrie. The film makers then use decades-old, online, readily-available interview footage as King covers his best, earliest works. Accompanying feature film footage is also shown to appease horror fans, although it was nice to see some love given to George A. Romero's underrated film version of The Dark Half. Any writer would give his left arm for the success and productivity of King, but the film only covers his successes. He mentions his dislike of religion, Republicans, and guns, without mentioning the number of works where a convenient cache of firearms happens to appear out of nowhere, and slams the "common" American reader who gave him his success in the first place- including me.

I read every single Stephen King book I could find when I was growing up, until I slogged halfway through the ironically-titled Insomnia, and I tried again years later- giving up on the child-hating Doctor Sleep. However, I have read On Writing twice, something I don't normally do at all. His hatred of Trump and us right-wing kooks is well-known in today's world of social media. The documentary meanders through grainy C-SPAN speeches and Today interviews (where his first name is misspelled in some infamous footage), but once this ends you've learned nothing new about the author. Sure, he's written seventyish books, but here's a half dozen of his really good ones!

"Stephen King: A Necessary Evil" is, in fact, completely unnecessary to watch.

Stats:
(2020) 53 min. (2/10)
-Written and Directed by Julien Dupuy
-Featuring: Stephen King
-(Not Rated)- Some physical violence, some gun violence, some gore, profanity, adult situations, tobacco and alcohol use
-Media Viewed: Streaming

Bride Hard (2025)

*Get "Bride Hard" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get the Pitch Perfect Trilogy on Amazon here*
*Get Rebel Rising: A Memoir by Rebel Wilson on Amazon here*
*Get Bella the Brave by Rebel Wilson, illustrated by Annabel Tempest on Amazon here*

Rebel Wilson and Anna Camp try to rekindle some "Pitch Perfect" onscreen chemistry magic in this colossal missed opportunity.

Sam (Rebel Wilson) and Betsy (Anna Camp) are childhood friends reuniting for Betsy's upcoming wedding to Ryan (Sam Huntington). Sam has set up an elaborate bachelorette party in Paris featuring the other bridesmaids: Ryan's sister Virginia (Anna Chlumsky), Betsy's college roommates Lydia (Da'Vine Joy Randolph) and Zoe (Gigi Zumbado), and Ryan and Virginia's mother Diane (producer Colleen Camp). Sam is actually in Paris on a secret mission as a government agent, leaving the drunken partiers early to take care of some business. Betsy gets upset, and Virginia swoops in to take over the maid of honor role. Ordered on vacation, Sam still shows up at the private island wedding months later on at Virginia and Ryan's family estate just in time for villain Kurt (Stephen Dorff) and his henchman to take the wedding party hostage. Sam goes "Die Hard" on these uninvited guests, and tries to mend her relationship with Betsy and the other bridesmaids.

The film is a frustrating exercise in mid. Ryan and Virginia's family are megarich, the terms "elite" and "elitist" are bandied about, but their privileged cluelessness at how the real world works falls flat. Sam and Betsy's deep friendship is glossed over in a strange opening credits montage, and the film makers must punch up a few onscreen credits to let everyone know who these people are. Dorff's Kurt is a bore, and despite the title, there is no winking acknowledgement to "Die Hard." I'm suspecting handing the comedy reins to action director Simon West (Con Air, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, The Expendables 2) was a mistake. Some of the fight scenes are nicely coordinated but the slapstick falls flat. Wilson can't nail down whether Sam is a tough-as-nails hired killer, or funny gal who backed herself into getting in harm's way. Every character is a type: Virginia is a weak schemer, Lydia is oversexed and sassy, Zoe is extremely pregnant and hates her meek husband Dave (Remy Ortiz), and Diane is the inappropriately foul-mouthed old lady. West's direction is listless as he seems afraid to question what is written on the page. His final airboat chase, previewed in the trailer (which pretty much gives away the entire film) is badly directed and edited with weak special effects and leaps in logic. The villains' process to move gold bars from the giant mansion to those airboats defy all laws of physics- another humorous opportunity wasted. Automatic weapons fire never hit their mark, and large baking pans are impervious to bullets. For the record, I kept mistakenly referring to this as "Bride Wars," right up until I bought the tickets at the theater.

Throw in two too many false endings, and "Bride Hard" is a mess. Wilson and Camp were so good in the "Pitch Perfect" series, the soundtrack sometimes scores, and Chlumsky is a revelation to watch as she tries to mold her non-character into something more than a name and occasional shifty behavior, but this is one of those films tailor-made for "background" as you're playing games or texting on your phone. I thought for sure this was rated (PG-13), a cut here or there might have opened the film up to a wider audience since it bombed hard at the theaters.

Stats:
(2025) 105 min. (3/10)
-Directed by Simon West
-Screenplay by Shaina Steinberg, Story by Shaina Steinberg and Cece Pleasants
-Cast: Rebel Wilson, Anna Camp, Anna Chlumsky, Da'Vine Joy Randolph, Stephen Dorff, Gigi Zumbado, Sam Huntington, Justin Hartley, Sherry Cola, Colleen Camp, Michael O'Neill, Remy Ortiz, Mark Valley
-(R)- Physical violence, gun violence, some gore, profanity, sexual references, adult situations, alcohol use
-Media Viewed: Theatrical

American Tragedy (2019)

*Get "American Tragedy" on Amazon here*
*Get A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy by Sue Klebold on Amazon here*
*Get Mindfulness Workbook for Kids: 60+ Activities to Focus, Stay Calm, and Make Good Choices by Hannah Sherman, LCSW on Amazon here*
*Get Columbine by Dave Cullen on Amazon here*

This polarizing documentary tells the story of Sue Klebold, the mother of Columbine school shooter Dylan Klebold, and her efforts to come to terms with what her son did that changed a nation.

Josh Sabey talks to Sue, but no one else in the family. She is still trying to understand what her son was thinking, and her reactions to the raging hatred and lawsuits that were generated. She visits the memorials, looking into the forever high school-age photos of most of her son's victims. She speaks to people now (she was not renumerated for this documentary), bearing her soul, and talking about the signs she and her husband missed. She is an advocate for mindfulness and good mental health, even in kindergarten-age classrooms. Many people don't remember that Columbine happened before social media became a force, and a detriment, in our lives, so blame fell squarely on the Klebold and the Eric Harris families. The film features reenactments of Sue and her husband finding out about the shooting and its aftermath, which seem to be universally hated by many viewers from what I have read online.

The actual shooting is barely touched on because this documentary is not about the minutiae of that horrible day. The documentary is about a mother and the horrors brought on by her son and his friend. It is also about mental illness and suicide. If this could happen to a seemingly normal family, why couldn't it happen to you or a family you're close to? No one is immune, suicide and mental illness has affected everyone, my family included. Mental illness is still brushed aside today, with its effects not just felt in violent situations. Homelessness, PTSD, substance abuse, and self-harm are some of the major issues that can occur, but many people suffer in silence when their condition or the condition of a family member doesn't seem "that bad," (usually covered by the phrase "get over it"). Sue had to confront what happened, and is working to change things. One interview subject pointed out that the national attitude about smoking finally changed, despite the millions of dollars in advertising and propaganda from giant tobacco corporations. Why can't we mainstream mental illness conversations without being embittered, mocked, ostracized, or looked down upon, especially in the narcissistic world of social media?

I found the reenactments unobtrusive and helpful in explaining what Sue was going through. Mary Dyer does a very good job portraying Sue, and their physical resemblance is uncanny. One strong scene portrays Dyer as Sue hanging in midair, portraying the helplessness of dealing with mental situations. Sue doesn't push an agenda, but in this divided nation each side is going to find something to nitpick about the film- I read some of the comments on a film database site, and while everyone can have a different take on a piece of art or media, some of the arguments were way off, in my point of view ("get over it..."). I would hope we can agree that Columbine was a terrible, as was every school shooting before and after, every life taken in hatred, and so on but we still get into arguments over semantics, race, finger pointing, elitism, and the Constitution instead of facing the real issues. Sue is ringing the alarm bell about mental health in this country, and it's a cause we should all take up and endorse instead of angrily starting a comment with "yeah, but...". Sue Klebold loved her son, but that love could not stop the absolute worst thing that could happen to a parent's child.

Stats:
(2019) 80 min. (8/10)
-Written and Directed by Josh Sabey
-Featuring Sue Klebold, Lisa Belkin, Liza Long, Mary Dyer, Zack Nick, Paul Rohrer, Jess Shatkin, Eric Saliim, Rae Lundy, Tom Insel, Robert Creigh Deeds, Anthony Biglan, Tiffany Tate Aragon
-(Not Rated, but I would equate this to a PG-13 film)- Some physical violence, some profanity, very strong adult situations, tobacco use
-Media Viewed: Streaming

Two Much (1995)

Antonio Banderas plays Art Dodge (*snort*), a struggling gallery owner and frustrated painter. He makes money by taking paintings to rich widows' homes and telling them their husbands had bought the art before they died. He goes to one house and ends up in the middle of the funeral for the father of Gene (Danny Aiello). Art hooks up with Gene's ex-wife Betty (Melanie Griffith) thanks to some hokey business with a ring from above, and Betty decides on a whirlwind romance and a wedding. Art meets Betty's spiteful sister, Liz (Daryl Hannah), and he falls in love with her immediately for some unknown reason since she acts terrible to him. Art makes up a twin brother, played by himself, to romance Liz. Gene still loves Betty and sends henchmen after Art. Juggling all the antics and brou-haha is Art's secretary Gloria (Joan Cusack, the only bright spot here). Art also has a senile dad (Eli Wallach), who makes "The Golden Girls"'s Sophia seem subtle. You see where the movie is headed in a climactic wedding scene.

How awful is this film? Awful. Trueba's direction consists almost exclusively of closeups. Banderas, perhaps sensing he is on a sinking cinematic ship, mugs and runs around like an over-sugared five year old, trying to elicit some humor. Hannah's and Griffith's characters are clueless. Cusack is trotted in with Griffith for some "Working Girl" magic, but they only have one scene together, and no chance to regenerate any of that chemistry.

"Two Much" is a couple of minutes shy of two hours, and I could only stomach it in twenty minute increments spread out over a week. Chopping at least half an hour off of this would have helped immensely, since the back half of the film consists mainly of Banderas running around and trying to be in two places at once. I know I wanted to be anywhere else besides finishing this.

Stats:
(1995) 118 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Fernando Trueba
-Screenplay by Fernando Trueba & David Trueba based on the novel by Donald E. Westlake
-Cast: Antonio Banderas, Melanie Griffith, Daryl Hannah, Joan Cusack, Danny Aiello, Eli Wallach, Gabino Diego, Austin Pendleton, Allan Rich, Vincent Schiavelli, Phil Leeds, Sid Raymond, Louis Seeger Crume
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: Home Video

The Video Store Grab 'n' Run: Oh, I Got Your Variety Right Here

*This was written about twenty years ago, when video stores were still "a thing."*

*Get "Cat People" on Amazon here*
*Watch "Deathcheaters" on Shout!TV through Amazon Prime here
*Get "The Picture of Dorian Gray" on Amazon here*
*Watch "The Retrievers" on Amazon Prime here
*Get "Running Out of Luck" on Amazon here*

The five films I picked this time out have one thing in common- ain't never seen 'em before. I hit the Classics section before heading over to the Action category, so here are this week's picks: from Classics- the original "Cat People" and "The Picture of Dorian Gray," from Action- "Deathcheaters" and "The Retrievers," and from Music- "Running Out of Luck." Which one has Rae Dawn Chong undressing yet again? Oh, yeah...

Jim Broadbent won the Oscar for "Iris," and he also has a bit part in "Running Out of Luck," a bizarre long form music video from Mick Jagger and Julien Temple. The film is a chain of over half a dozen videos from Jagger's "She's the Boss," solo album, all held together with a dumb story about Jagger being kidnapped and stranded in backwoods Brazil during a video shoot. In addition to Broadbent, Rae Dawn Chong is the often naked love interest, Dennis Hopper is the video director, and Jerry Hall tries to act as Mick's wife, a role she did not keep in real life, either. This is a vanity project with mediocre songs and pretty Brazilian scenery, but by the time Hall murders a senator she had been dating, and Chong breaks Jagger out of prison in a unique way, I was fascinated with the sheer badness of the thing.

Jim Broadbent is nowhere to be seen in "Cat People," the original black and white suspenser that was remade in 1982 with Natassia Kinski. The original has lovely Simone Simon not consummating her new relationship for fear of turning into a big cat and devouring her new lover, something the women I used to date suffer from as well. The cinematography and direction are gorgeous, I sometimes paused the film just to look at an individual frame, but this suffers from a talky script that takes forever. The swimming pool stalking is here, too, a superior scene that was copied in the remake.

"The Picture of Dorian Gray," is the best film of the bunch so far. Hurd Hatfield stiffly plays a man who wishes a newly painted portrait would absorb his aging so he could look young forever. The portrait also seems to replace his conscience, growing more and more hideous as Gray mistreats those around him, eventually resorting to murder. This is a wonderful movie, full of great performances and Oscar Wilde's urbane lines. The director keeps the film in black and white, except for two insert Technicolor shots of the portrait. Simply wonderful- except for Hatfield, who is too bland and stilted in the main role. He disappears altogether whenever George Sanders comes onscreen and deftly steals the film.

Here's a great pitch! Two ordinary stuntmen are recruited by a government agency to be secret agents! We could get some unknowns in the lead, throw in a cute dog, and do a few seasons of this! Call the network! Actually, "Deathcheaters" is mild enough to be a pilot on a television network, and little else. The stunts are good, but routine, the actors likable enough, the Australian locations are pretty, and I knew where the entire ninety-six minute film was headed from the opening seconds. This is not technically bad film making, but lazy film making that seems to have forgotten an audience might want to be entertained and not bored stupid.

I'm woozy after being violated by "The Retrievers," a stupid actioner from the 1980's that sucks on more levels than I can count. Big dumb Max Thayer decides to help perky Shawn Hoskins find her missing brother and help get the brother's tell-all about the CIA published. When the most exciting scene involves the loading of cases of books into a truck by a morbidly obese man, you know you are in trouble. This is an ugly film that deserves to remain unseen and unheard of.

Of the five, only one or two would be considered really worthy of a repeat viewing, unless you are in the mood for Mick Jagger's bony bare butt.

Best to worst:
1. The Picture of Dorian Gray
2. Cat People
3. Running Out of Luck
4. Deathcheaters
5. The Retrievers

That's it for this week. Next week, I will return like the warm potato salad you ate for lunch.

The Retrievers (1982)

Tom (Max Thayer) is recruited by a secret government agency to place wiretaps. The wiretappers are retired, so Tom becomes a "retriever," an elite force that retrieves people for the company's gain. He helps retrieve Danny (Lenard Miller), but Tom has had enough of the violence, and spares Danny's sister Janice (Shawn Hoskins). Turns out Danny wrote an expose on being in the company, and Tom and Janice run around trying to get the book published with the rest of the Retrievers hot on their tails.

This film is violent. Not full of action or adventure, but violent just to be mean and violent. I can handle violence in films but this movie is also badly done. Badly written? That, too, but I am talking about handheld camerawork that had my stomach churning. I am talking about introducing a fat character just for the tuba on the soundtrack, and the laughs from how huge he is. I am talking about the shootings of unemployed drunks in one scene, and a racist term in the closing credits. I am talking about Katey Sagal singing one of the worst movie songs of all-time. I am talking about spotting a boom microphone or its shadow not once, not twice, but three times. I am talking about an opening scene that has a gunman mow down a children's birthday party, killing adults and kids.

Hong's direction is terrible. The fight scenes are so poorly choreographed, I was giggling as henchmen and heroes rarely connected with their fake punches, yet still fell back injured. The cast is awful, all the villains meld together and look alike. Max Thayer is a weak leading man, but he is given a part that no one could play. Sure, Tom helped kidnap Danny, but Janice falls in love with him anyway. The movie takes so many leaps in logic I just sat back, stunned.

"The Retrievers" is awful. There are no redeeming moments, plot points, or characters. Unless you are a young film maker who needs to know what NOT to do, you will want to skip it. Also known as "Hot and Deadly," a title just as dumb as the film itself.

Stats:
(1982) 90 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Elliott Hong
-Screenplay by Larry Stamper, Story by Larry Stamper and Elliott Hong
-Cast: Max Thayer, Lenard Miller, Shawn Hoskins, Randy Anderson, Bud Kramer, Ed Egington, Roselyn Royce, Hugh Van Putten, Harry Shapiro, Tony Cabellano, Susie Holliday, Patricia Monville, John Hilton
(R)
Media Viewed: Home Video

Running Out of Luck (1987)

This kooky ninety minute music video blitz showcases Mick Jagger without any Rolling Stones gathering around. It is truly bizarre.

Mick plays Mick, a huge rock star who is in Rio de Janeiro to shoot a music video directed by Dennis Hopper (none of the characters, aside from Mick Jagger, have proper names). Mick gets jealous of Jerry Hall during the shoot, and goes off alone with three women to his trailer. The three women are, in fact, transvestites who rob Mick and throw him on the back of a meat truck headed out of town. The three transvestites then fight amongst themselves, one is killed, and they put his body in a car and roll it off a pier. Mick wakes up, abandoned in the middle of nowhere, trying to find a phone. He wanders, until he's kidnapped and held as slave labor on a banana plantation, where he meets a local prostitute played by Rae Dawn Chong. Chong tries to help Jagger escape. The transvestite's body is found, mistaken for Mick, and Mick is assumed to be dead.

The film features about nine songs from Jagger's solo album "She's the Boss," all shot complete in music video format. These are standard looking MTV fodder, it is the story filling in the blanks that is so truly bizarre. Jagger cowrote this, and gives himself lots of screen time. Jerry Hall proves once and for all that her acting career was a fluke. Chong is okay, Hopper is wasted, and the Brazilian scenery is nice. Temple directs the conversations the same way he directs videos, trying to hide the weird story. At one point, Hall is dating a senator while Jagger cools his heels in prison. The senator has Hall kidnapped, but she escapes and gets her revenge by killing him. The banana plantation owner's wife beds Jagger immediately, so Jagger dresses in drag to escape with the other prostitutes. Oscar winner Jim Broadbent has a tiny role, figuring out Jagger is not dead. This thing is unbelievable.

While it claims to be a musical-comedy-adventure, it is none of these. Jagger's songs all sound the same. The laughs aren't funny, unless you take into account Hall's "acting." There is no action or adventure. Thank goodness for the extended sex scenes between Jagger and Chong, and Chong's unique prison break plan.

"Running Out of Luck" was probably meant as a video album for the fans. Instead, it is so bizarre, so out there, so weird, so bad, that I could not take my eyes off of it. You won't care about the story or characters, but you will be hard-pressed to forget such an odd film.

Stats:
(1987) 90 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Julien Temple
-Written by Mick Jagger, Julien Temple
-Cast: Mick Jagger, Rae Dawn Chong, Dennis Hopper, Jerry Hall, Jim Broadbent, James Villiers, Nicholas Ball, Norma Bengell, Roxana Campos, Angela Castro, Carmita, Jorge Coutinho, Marcia DeSouza
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS

Deathcheaters (1976)

Steve (John Hargreaves) and Rod (Grant Page) are two Australian stuntmen. They are hired by the mysterious Culpepper (Noel Ferrier) to infiltrate a power plant in the Philippines to steal some important papers. A slight film deserves a slight plot summary.

Trenchard-Smith is an old hand at the Australian action pic, and this '70's relic is not badly directed. Trenchard-Smith's story, on the other hand, leaves something to be desired. The film makers may have scored some points if they had turned this into a heist picture. Instead, the first third of the film sets up the fact that Steve and Rod are stuntmen, and they get set up by Culpepper in a fake bank robber chase. The audience is let in on this right away, so we must sit back and revel in some good but mild stuntwork from the two leads. Culpepper is a bumbling guy who is supposed to be this film's equivalent to James Bond's M. The supporting cast is nothing you have not seen before- Steve has worrywart wife Julia (Margaret Gerard) and Rod has a basset hound he talks to when not trying to bed women. The main set piece, at the Filipino plant, is a tedious exercise in safety. The characters make it clear that they do not want to kill anyone, so everybody shoots guns and blows things up, nobody gets hurt, and the papers the duo are after are never revealed to contain anything of importance. The final punchline of the film is kind of flaky.

"Deathcheaters" also contains a disco theme song that will rob you of many hours of sleep. The old Vestron Video box cover of this film makes it sound a whole lot more dangerous and better than it is. What it really is is a pointless resume reel for stuntman and stunt coordinator Grant Page. There are some laughs here and there, the stunts are well executed, but in actuality "Deathcheaters" does not cheat death, but its audience. Also known as "Death Cheaters."

Stats:
(1976) 93 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith
-Screenplay by Michael Cove, Story by Brian Trenchard-Smith
-Cast: John Hargreaves, Grant Page, Noel Ferrier, Margaret Gerard, Judith Woodroffe, Ralph Cotterill, Drew Forsythe, John Krummel, Brian Trenchard-Smith, Annie Semler, Roger Ward, Wallas Eaton, Michael Aitkens
(Not Rated)
Media Viewed: VHS

The Video Store Grab 'n' Run: Four Comedies and a Funeral

*This was written about twenty years ago, when video stores were still "a thing."*

*Get "The Badge" on Amazon here*
*Get "Clifford" on Amazon here*
*Get "Hanky Panky" on Amazon here*
*Get "The Ladykillers" on Amazon here*
*Get "Straight Talk" on Amazon here*

After some article's pretty depressing fare, I decided to lighten things up with a few comedies and a Billy Bob Thornton cop drama,which may provide a few laughs of its own. This week's picks from Drama- "The Badge," and from Comedy- "Clifford," "Hanky Panky," "The Ladykillers (1950's version)," and "Straight Talk." We'll start with Billy Bob behind "The Badge."

It's not that "The Badge" is a bad movie, but it is badly written. Writer/Director Robby Henson decides more is more. There are eight production companies and eleven executive producers associated with this, and about that many major speaking parts in the film. Thornton plays a Louisiana parish sheriff investigating the murder of a transsexual in a swamp. He gets a little help from the transsexual's wife, Patricia Arquette, and runs up against the entire town. The final credits read like a city directory, the unmasking of the killer is weak, but Thornton and Arquette save this from being a one star film. Wait a minute, "Clifford" doesn't have a big red dog in it. I wish it did. Martin Short plays ten year old Clifford, and Charles Grodin is his hapless uncle in an embarrassing film whose original prints should be gathered in a big barrel and shot into space, never to be seen again. This is terrible, unfunny, and helped bring down mid-size studio Orion, who deserved everything they suffered for deciding this was a good idea. Ignore the manufactured "oh, it's not so bad" and "cult classic" internet talk about it today.

If I hadn't rented "Clifford," then "Hanky Panky" would have been the worst film of the bunch. Gene Wilder and Gilda Radner star in this shockingly unfunny variation on Alfred Hitchcock's "innocent man on the run" films. Sidney Poitier, of all people, mechanically directs long slapstick scenes that left me as speechless as..."Clifford." Not as bad as the earlier disaster, but close. Let's kill an old lady!

In "The Ladykillers," a group of robbers conspire, and use their sweet little old landlady in a crime without her knowing it. She soon finds out, and the five eventually turn on each other, all while trying to decide who is going to kill her. This has a few slow spots, but the cast is so good, including Herbert Lom and Peter Sellers in a film together before the Pink Panther series, and Alexander Mackendrick's direction is wonderful, it is the best film of the week unless "Straight Talk" proves to be so good that I'll eat my words- yeah, right.

"Straight Talk" coasts on the funny performance by the always underrated Dolly Parton, and nothing else. When her two love interests are played by heavies James Woods and Michael Madsen, then maybe the casting director forgot to read the script. Everything feels forced, including Woods' attempts to smile without looking creepy, and the wrap-up is idiotic and predictable. Dolly saves this from being a total bomb, barely.

Ouch, not a good week at the video store. Of the five, only one stood out as recommendable. The best to worst, in order:

1. The Ladykillers
2. The Badge
3. Straight Talk
4. Hanky Panky
5. Clifford

Remember, if you have seen these films, vote on them at IMDb.com and Letterboxd.com and confirm my gut feeling that all prints of "Clifford" should be torched.

Straight Talk (1992)

The basic plot for "Straight Talk" could have been borrowed from any 1930's screwball comedy, but it's too bad the film makers do not seem to realize this. They simply rest the bulk of the film on Dolly Parton's shoulders and hope her goodwill and likability will carry the rest- it doesn't.

Shirlee (Dolly Parton) is a bright, honest woman from a dying town in Arkansas. She becomes a national radio call-in show icon in the span of a couple of weeks after she leaves her loser live-in boyfriend Steve (Michael Madsen), and moves to Chicago where she can't find a job until she is mistaken for a psychiatrist and put on the air live to take phone calls from people with problems. She is an instant hit, and reporter Jack (James Woods) begins looking into her background and falling in love with her at the same time.

Parton is good, and has tons of screen presence. However, the casting is so out of whack, the few scenes she is not in play like a Quentin Tarantino film, i.e. the bar scene between Woods and Madsen. Woods is miscast in a role that would have gone to Cary Grant back in the day. He tries to be light and funny, but he is still James Woods, and his performance comes off badly. Check out the rest of the supporting cast: Griffin Dunne, Teri Hatcher, Spalding Gray, Jerry Orbach, Charles Fleischer, Philip Bosco, Jay Thomas, and John Sayles. Just a couple of names stick out as notably comedic actors, yet they are all cast in this bit of fluff. Any fan of "WKRP in Cincinnati," will find the subplot of Shirlee's advice doing damage familiar. "Frasier" fans might also be a little bored with the "magic" of radio and call-in shows. The script is television-level material, embarrassingly wrapped up at the end where everyone lives happily ever after and no one has a worry in the world. This may have worked with Doris Day and Cary Grant in the leads, but with Parton and Woods the denouement feels fake and forced. Take away the profanity peppered throughout, and a pointless scene about Shirlee losing her virginity, and "Straight Talk" might have worked if done in the spirit of "Down With Love." There have been tons of better radio themed films made over the years and this one doesn't offer anything new.

"Straight Talk" suffers from old material performed by the wrong cast some thirty years too late. Time to touch that dial and turn it off.

Stats:
(1992) 91 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Barnet Kellman
-Screenplay by Craig Bolotin and Patricia Resnick, Story by Craig Bolotin
-Cast: Dolly Parton, James Woods, Michael Madsen, Griffin Dunne, Charles Fleischer, Teri Hatcher, Spalding Gray, Jerry Orbach, Philip Bosco, Jay Thomas, John Sayles, Deirdre O'Connell, Jeff Garlin
(PG)
Media Viewed: Home Video

Hanky Panky (1982)

The funniest thing about this abysmal release is a joke that the film makers did not even realize they made. Gene Wilder plays a character named Michael Jordon (not Jordan)- from Chicago.

Michael is an architect, not a basketball player, visiting New York City, when he tries to pick up cute Sarah (Kathleen Quinlan). He mails a package for her, she rebuffs him (not in the good way), and he will probably never see her again, until a couple of thugs led by Ransom (Richard Widmark) give Michael a truth serum and find out where the package is heading. Michael tries to find Sarah again, but she is killed by Ransom, and Michael is the prime suspect. Soon, he is on the run, dragging along Kate (Gilda Radner), who is helping him in order to serve her own motives. The rest of the picture plays like a bad Alfred Hitchcock film- there are stolen military weapon computer files, assorted murders, and Michael and Kate escape it all, double crossing and getting double crossed.

While this is supposed to be a comedy, sometimes the violence is a little jarring. Ransom and Sarah have a knockdown, drag-out fistfight, without obvious stunt people. The film breathlessly begins, with no set-up: within the first couple of seconds, Michael is in a cab, hitting on Sarah. Who is this guy? What's with the package? Director Poitier doesn't give us one speck of background, so we do not care about these characters from the get-go. I am also curious why Sidney Poitier of all people chose this to direct. None of the laughs work, even when the cast members laugh and think it's funny. One long, embarrassing scene has Michael on a bus wearing a magician's coat, and of course, gag flowers and long ropes of handkerchiefs get pulled from hidden compartments and pockets. The rest of the bus was laughing- I wasn't. Wilder does nothing more than run around screaming his lines at the top of his lungs. Radner is too low key, not getting one chuckle. Anyone could have played this part, it was a waste of her massive talent. Figure out why did Poitier directed this, then question why Widmark is in this. Again, anyone could play his part, he shows up and menaces people, then disappears.

"Hanky Panky" is an unmitigated disaster, with a story line that has been done a thousand times before. Go find one of those efforts, instead.

Stats:
(1982) 110 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Sidney Poitier
-Written by Henry Rosenbaum and David Taylor
-Cast: Gene Wilder, Gilda Radner, Kathleen Quinlan, Richard Widmark, Robert Prosky, Josef Sommer, Johnny Sekka, Jay O. Sanders, Sam Gray, Larry Bryggman, Pat Corley, Johnny Brown, Bill Beutel
(PG)
Media Viewed: Home Video

Foreign Exchange (2008)

I had raided a couple of online auctions, and got just over one hundred DVDs for less than a dollar each. Among the interesting looking movies (whoa, a Criterion disc?), there was a lot of filler to get through. The film "Foreign Exchange" is one of those films.

Four writers were inexplicably involved in the creation of this nightmarish "American Pie" rip-off. Four horny high school senior dudes are obsessed with sex, and get assigned four foreign exchange students, all of whom have a profound effect on their lives- sorry, I made that sound a little more serious than it is.

Mainstream character talent like Jennifer Coolidge, Curtis Armstrong, and Clint Howard embarrass themselves in some of their worst work, and in Howard's case that's saying a lot. The young cast might be familiar to television watchers, I recognized one actor from an "iCarly" episode, but they look lost and uncomfortable, especially one scene where three young actresses must flash their breasts after losing a bet. The scene is cringe-worthy, and the expressions on their faces is heartbreaking. The jokes are misogynistic to the extreme, as the dudes sit around wondering why they can't have serious girlfriends before treating the women in their lives like crap. Racism runs rampant as well- one Asian female is constantly referred to by her last name- Ho...I know, right? Strap yourselves into your easy chairs as an actual scene centers around the word "Bush," referencing both the political family and the slang term. Oh, stop. The direction is awful, and I think all the interior scenes were lit by desk lamps and whatever other lighting sources happened to be around. I literally picked this disc off the top of a stack sitting on my dining room table, and the only bright spot is that I watched the R-rated version, and not the presumably longer "Unrated" version. You've probably never heard of this thing, and you're lucky.

Stats:
(1995) 95 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Danny Roth
-Screenplay by Joel Solomon & Elliott Phear & Danny Roth & Tyler McGee, Story by Elliott Phear & Joel Solomon
-Cast: Ryan Pinkston, Vanessa Lengies, Randy Wayne, Tania Raymonde, Daniel Booko, Miles Thompson, Jennifer Coolidge, Curtis Armstrong, Clint Howard, Arshad Aslam, Johnny Acker, Ashley Edner, Jessika Van
(R)
Media Viewed: DVD

Scanner Cop II (1995)

This sequel marks the end of the series- or does it?

The rookie cop Staziak (Daniel Quinn) is now a plainclothes detective- he must have had one good year since "Scanner Cop"- and uses his scanning capabilities to rout criminals and foil evildoers. We meet an evil scanner- yes, another one- (Patrick Kilpatrick) who has escaped from a mental ward and is trying to kill Staziak. It seems he can also suck the "lifeforce" out of other scanners. You see the scanner finale coming as scanner cop and evil scanner do scanner battle from a scanner kilometer away.

In the beginning of the film, Staziak fools a kidnapper into thinking Staziak is an accomplice, not a cop. He does this by "scanning." The problem is the director uses the exact same special effect from "Scanner Cop," but in a very different scanning context. Another complaint I have had about the entire series, and I have seen all the entries, is that the Scanner power is never explained. We see scanners command others to do their will, we see scanners getting scanned, but what specifically does "scanning" entail? Reading minds? This question has never been adequately explained, but now machines can be scanned as well?

The good scanner vs. evil scanner plot has been done, yet it is still trotted out for this video entry. This came out a few years ago, without a sequel, but after witnessing the rebirth of movie series like James Bond, Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc., I am not holding my breath. In a complete pageant of unoriginality, every single episode of this film series has had an exploding head, but none of them matched the gore of the first film.

This showdown is underwhelming. Also known as "Scanners 4: The Showdown" and "Scanner Cop II: The Showdown."

Stats:
(1995) 95 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Steve Barnett
-Written by Mark Sevi based on characters created by David Cronenberg
-Cast: Daniel Quinn, Patrick Kilpatrick, Khyrstyne Haje, Stephen Mendel, Robert Forster, Brenda Swanson, Jerry Potter, Jewel Shepard, Tony Fasce, Terrie Snell, Kane Hodder, Rick Avery, Eugene Robert Glazer
(R)
Media Viewed: Home Video