*Get the film on Amazon here*
Mark L. Lester directs a cult hit that has aged worse than any Rubik's Cube or Smurf merchandise from the 1980's.
Naive music teacher Andy (Perry King) is hired to teach at a tough inner-city high school after a stint in the crime-free utopia of Nebraska- where I graduated from high school in the 1980's, and know firsthand this film is already wrong. He immediately has run-ins with a gang of toughs led by Stegman (Timothy Van Patten). Andy's wife Diana (Merrie Lynn Ross) is pregnant, and the two just want to lead normal lives. The gang runs the school, and no one can do anything about them because of lack of witnesses, and the criminals are still under eighteen. Andy finds solace with Corrigan (Roddy McDowall), a biology teacher who takes his own comfort in drinking between classes and carrying a gun. The helpless principal (David Gardner) never believes children are capable of wrong, and the local police detective Stewiski (Al Waxman) is also of no use. The rest of the film is easy to summarize. The gang strike at Andy or his "good" students, including Michael J. Fox in an early role, Andy strikes back and is reprimanded by an authority figure, toughs strike, Andy reprimanded, etc. The inevitable finale is especially sleazy.
Actually, the whole thing is sleazy. While this might not be a bad thing necessarily, the film makers try to dress this junk up as an important social statement. The opening crawl warns that this is based "in part" on real events, and that most schools are not this bad "yet." The gang is seen as a four person crime wave, dealing drugs, assaulting, pillaging, et al., and yet no one can do anything about them. All the adults are helpless ninnies who cower in their presence until Andy finally begins taking a stand. By the end of the film, however, no one has changed. There is no development, the characters show no difference in their personas, they are established and then give the viewer ninety-eight minutes of bad behavior. Lester directs the film well enough, but his material is so badly written, it is hard to improve it with artistic flourish. Perry King is rarely bad in anything except maybe some of his film choices ("Mandingo"), and this is one of them. Alice Cooper contributes what may very well be the worst song in movie history, not to mention his music career. Fox tries his early Alex P. Keaton character out, and that is all I could see while I watched him.
"Class of 1984" is a relic. This movie does not serve to inspire or change anything, despite the condescending opening crawl, it just gives you a basic thrill, like watching a slasher pic. Believe me, that is not enough.
Stats:
(1982) 98 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Mark L. Lester
-Screenplay by Mark L. Lester and John C.W. Saxton & Tom Holland, Story by Tom Holland
-Cast: Perry King, Timothy Van Patten, Roddy McDowall, Michael J. Fox, Merrie Lynn Ross, Stefan Arngrim, Keith Knight, Lisa Langlois, Al Waxman, Neil Clifford, Erin Noble, David Gardner, Steve Pernie
(R)
Wednesday, April 9, 2025
Charade (1963)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
"Charade" has been called the best Alfred Hitchcock film not directed by Alfred Hitchcock. I would go further- not only is it better than the majority of Hitchcock's films, it's leaps and bounds ahead of Hitchcock's effort of the same year, "The Birds." This is a classic mystery/comedy/romance that should be seen.
Regina Lampert (Audrey Hepburn) is in the process of divorcing a husband she barely knew, Charles, when he is discovered murdered. Before he died, Charles auctioned all of their possessions, leaving behind a travel bag full of everyday items, and stranded her in Paris where she works as a translator. Into her life walks Peter (Cary Grant), who befriends her, although the romantic attraction is immediate. There is a problem with Charles' sudden death- a large amount of money is missing, and three mysterious men hilariously show up at the funeral to make sure the man is dead. With help from American embassy employee Bartholomew (Walter Matthau), Regina finds out more about the man she was married to, including his real name and the fact that Charles and the three mysterious men all stole a quarter of a million dollars from the U.S. government during World War II and hid the money. Tex (James Coburn), Gideon (Ned Glass), and psychotic Scobie (stand-out George Kennedy) are convinced Reg has the money, and as more bodies start turning up, she puts her trust in, and falls in love with, Peter.
Hepburn and Grant made only one film together, but their chemistry onscreen is crackling. You cannot take your eyes off of them. Grant is suave and debonair as usual, delivering an off-the-cuff quip better than anyone. In a perfect world, he would have made the best James Bond- if the franchise was twenty years older or he was twenty years younger. Peter actually rebuffs Regina's advances at first, which is kind of refreshing, although you can see he has feelings for her and tries to get her to trust him. Hepburn and Grant were decades apart in age, but their coupling is natural. It's easy to see why Audrey Hepburn was one of the biggest stars of the era. She is beautiful, and very funny as Regina. Her reactions to Peter's revelations about himself are hilarious. She plays well with Matthau, too, especially in their first scene together. Coburn and Glass are good, but George Kennedy as the bitter, one-armed Scobie is downright scary at times. Despite one or two technical hiccups, director Stanley Donen expertly steers the film. There are tons of memorable shots, and Peter Stone's screenplay had me guessing right up to the revealing finale. Henry Mancini's score bounces along, it's surprising this only nabbed an Original Song Academy Award nomination, I thought the screenplay and Kennedy should have got something as well.
"Charade" is one of those films I knew of, but put off watching for too many years. It was well worth the wait.
Stats:
(1963) 113 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Stanley Donen
-Screenplay by Peter Stone, Story by Peter Stone and Marc Behm
-Cast: Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, Walter Matthau, James Coburn, George Kennedy, Ned Glass, Dominique Minot, Jacques Marin, Paul Bonifas, Thomas Chelimsky, Marc Arian, Claudine Berg, Marcel Bernier
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Song- "Charade" (lost to "Call Me Irresponsible" from "Papa's Delicate Condition")
*BAFTA*
-Best British Actress- Audrey Hepburn (won)
-Best Foreign Actor- Cary Grant (lost to Marcello Mastroianni for "Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow")
"Charade" has been called the best Alfred Hitchcock film not directed by Alfred Hitchcock. I would go further- not only is it better than the majority of Hitchcock's films, it's leaps and bounds ahead of Hitchcock's effort of the same year, "The Birds." This is a classic mystery/comedy/romance that should be seen.
Regina Lampert (Audrey Hepburn) is in the process of divorcing a husband she barely knew, Charles, when he is discovered murdered. Before he died, Charles auctioned all of their possessions, leaving behind a travel bag full of everyday items, and stranded her in Paris where she works as a translator. Into her life walks Peter (Cary Grant), who befriends her, although the romantic attraction is immediate. There is a problem with Charles' sudden death- a large amount of money is missing, and three mysterious men hilariously show up at the funeral to make sure the man is dead. With help from American embassy employee Bartholomew (Walter Matthau), Regina finds out more about the man she was married to, including his real name and the fact that Charles and the three mysterious men all stole a quarter of a million dollars from the U.S. government during World War II and hid the money. Tex (James Coburn), Gideon (Ned Glass), and psychotic Scobie (stand-out George Kennedy) are convinced Reg has the money, and as more bodies start turning up, she puts her trust in, and falls in love with, Peter.
Hepburn and Grant made only one film together, but their chemistry onscreen is crackling. You cannot take your eyes off of them. Grant is suave and debonair as usual, delivering an off-the-cuff quip better than anyone. In a perfect world, he would have made the best James Bond- if the franchise was twenty years older or he was twenty years younger. Peter actually rebuffs Regina's advances at first, which is kind of refreshing, although you can see he has feelings for her and tries to get her to trust him. Hepburn and Grant were decades apart in age, but their coupling is natural. It's easy to see why Audrey Hepburn was one of the biggest stars of the era. She is beautiful, and very funny as Regina. Her reactions to Peter's revelations about himself are hilarious. She plays well with Matthau, too, especially in their first scene together. Coburn and Glass are good, but George Kennedy as the bitter, one-armed Scobie is downright scary at times. Despite one or two technical hiccups, director Stanley Donen expertly steers the film. There are tons of memorable shots, and Peter Stone's screenplay had me guessing right up to the revealing finale. Henry Mancini's score bounces along, it's surprising this only nabbed an Original Song Academy Award nomination, I thought the screenplay and Kennedy should have got something as well.
"Charade" is one of those films I knew of, but put off watching for too many years. It was well worth the wait.
Stats:
(1963) 113 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Stanley Donen
-Screenplay by Peter Stone, Story by Peter Stone and Marc Behm
-Cast: Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, Walter Matthau, James Coburn, George Kennedy, Ned Glass, Dominique Minot, Jacques Marin, Paul Bonifas, Thomas Chelimsky, Marc Arian, Claudine Berg, Marcel Bernier
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Song- "Charade" (lost to "Call Me Irresponsible" from "Papa's Delicate Condition")
*BAFTA*
-Best British Actress- Audrey Hepburn (won)
-Best Foreign Actor- Cary Grant (lost to Marcello Mastroianni for "Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow")
Celebrity Crush (2019)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Oliver Robins returns to a lead onscreen performance for the first time in decades. Who is Oliver Robins, you might ask? He played Robbie in the first two "Poltergeist" films back in the 1980's. His career has led him behind the camera now, and he wrote and directed this underwhelming "Misery" ripoff.
Jonathan Blaklee (Oliver Robins) was the child star of a slasher film called "Chain-Face Clown." He is dwelling in obscurity today, showing up at a Florida meet-and-greet with a fellow cast member when the now-cult film is being released on Blu-ray. Jonathan is on his own, leaving his fiancee (Melissa McNerney) back in LA, and goes the "Fatal Attraction" route by scoring with Emily (Alissa Schneider), who claims she has no idea he's a former celebrity. In fact, Emily is obsessed with Jonathan's horror film, having watched it when she was about the same age as Jonathan when he filmed it, and now she has him chained up in a remote garage, his obnoxious costar and fellow hostage is tied to a chair in another location, and she begins the task of getting Jonathan to fall in love with her in her own creepy, savage, unhinged way.
Reading the plot summary before I started watching the film, I didn't think it could miss. I was a fan of the wickedly funny "Man Overboard" that Robins directed a while ago, but "Celebrity Crush" is an immense disappointment. Robins had the chance to skewer so many facets of his public life, but barely acknowledges any of them save a "Poltergeist" T-shirt in one scene, and a minor character named Karol Ann. Being a child star forever known for a classic horror film he did when he was ten years old while the rest of us were picking our noses and aiming to get through elementary school, trying to work in an industry that forgets easily, B horror films, cosplay, rabid fans, comic book store & convention signings, fellow cast members- there is so much material available, but Robins lifts from "Misery" and does little else. The plot advances, and blindly plows through cliche after cliche. The film is in a hurry, as if it knows you might have an appointment in an hour and a half, and never pauses to generate any suspense or toss out a jump scare. The musical score is unmemorable, and the song score is massive and distracting. Schneider is attractive, it's obvious why Jonathan would notice Emily, but her performance is cringeworthy. Robins himself is better, but I would have liked to see more from the actor whose character was eaten by a giant scary tree when he was a kid. Robins hints that "Chain-Face Clown" may have affected Jonathan as a youngster, but that aspect is not followed through. It's hard to find, but "Man Overboard" proves Robins can do edgy material successfully.
"Celebrity Crush" is as forgettable as the year I turned ten.
Stats:
(2019) 91 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Oliver Robins
-Written by Oliver Robins, Additional Writing by Jeff Rubin
-Cast: Oliver Robins, Alissa Schneider, Melissa McNerney, Jonathan D. Lee, Wade Hunt Williams, Sage Croft, Jim Horning, Heather Budzian, Tia Castle, Christopher Chetta, Raul Colon, Alyssa Corynn, Hailey Escobar
(Not Rated)
Oliver Robins returns to a lead onscreen performance for the first time in decades. Who is Oliver Robins, you might ask? He played Robbie in the first two "Poltergeist" films back in the 1980's. His career has led him behind the camera now, and he wrote and directed this underwhelming "Misery" ripoff.
Jonathan Blaklee (Oliver Robins) was the child star of a slasher film called "Chain-Face Clown." He is dwelling in obscurity today, showing up at a Florida meet-and-greet with a fellow cast member when the now-cult film is being released on Blu-ray. Jonathan is on his own, leaving his fiancee (Melissa McNerney) back in LA, and goes the "Fatal Attraction" route by scoring with Emily (Alissa Schneider), who claims she has no idea he's a former celebrity. In fact, Emily is obsessed with Jonathan's horror film, having watched it when she was about the same age as Jonathan when he filmed it, and now she has him chained up in a remote garage, his obnoxious costar and fellow hostage is tied to a chair in another location, and she begins the task of getting Jonathan to fall in love with her in her own creepy, savage, unhinged way.
Reading the plot summary before I started watching the film, I didn't think it could miss. I was a fan of the wickedly funny "Man Overboard" that Robins directed a while ago, but "Celebrity Crush" is an immense disappointment. Robins had the chance to skewer so many facets of his public life, but barely acknowledges any of them save a "Poltergeist" T-shirt in one scene, and a minor character named Karol Ann. Being a child star forever known for a classic horror film he did when he was ten years old while the rest of us were picking our noses and aiming to get through elementary school, trying to work in an industry that forgets easily, B horror films, cosplay, rabid fans, comic book store & convention signings, fellow cast members- there is so much material available, but Robins lifts from "Misery" and does little else. The plot advances, and blindly plows through cliche after cliche. The film is in a hurry, as if it knows you might have an appointment in an hour and a half, and never pauses to generate any suspense or toss out a jump scare. The musical score is unmemorable, and the song score is massive and distracting. Schneider is attractive, it's obvious why Jonathan would notice Emily, but her performance is cringeworthy. Robins himself is better, but I would have liked to see more from the actor whose character was eaten by a giant scary tree when he was a kid. Robins hints that "Chain-Face Clown" may have affected Jonathan as a youngster, but that aspect is not followed through. It's hard to find, but "Man Overboard" proves Robins can do edgy material successfully.
"Celebrity Crush" is as forgettable as the year I turned ten.
Stats:
(2019) 91 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Oliver Robins
-Written by Oliver Robins, Additional Writing by Jeff Rubin
-Cast: Oliver Robins, Alissa Schneider, Melissa McNerney, Jonathan D. Lee, Wade Hunt Williams, Sage Croft, Jim Horning, Heather Budzian, Tia Castle, Christopher Chetta, Raul Colon, Alyssa Corynn, Hailey Escobar
(Not Rated)
Carnage (1984)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Andy "Acquired Taste" Milligan has a beautiful setting for this haunted house thriller- his own home. The rest of the film? Lousy.
Married couple Carol (Leslie Den Dooven) and Johnathan (Michael Chiodo) get a creaky old house with all the furnishings very cheap, not knowing that three years prior, the original owners Susan (Deeann Veeder) and Mark (Chris Georges) had committed suicide there in the film's opening minutes. Strange things begin to happen as items are moved around and misplaced, harmless things until Carol is cut by a kitchen knife. Soon, the ghosts begin killing people who enter the house.
Unlike the other Milligan films I have seen in the past ("Bloodthirsty Butchers," "The Rats are Coming! The Werewolves are Here!"), "Carnage" is unforgivably BORING. The bad filmmaking is something to behold, as you hear the floors creak, see string tied around objects so they can move "on their own," and marvel at the terrible performances and insipid screenplay (all these killings and blood, yet not a single cop is called?). Supporting characters are introduced with no idea about who they are in relation to the main couple. One actress has her hair up in a towel for her introductory scene, so I didn't recognize her later once she was dressed. Check out the flabby guy who needs to take a waterless bath in his underwear, twice, before dying. The climax makes no sense whatsoever, I'd normally suggest a remake using the basic plot but this story has been done a million times before, and better. Some of the blood-spurting gore is alright.
According to the Trivia section on IMDb, the house this was shot in burned down shortly after production. That's a shame, it was the star of the film.
Stats:
(1984) 91 min. (*) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Andy Milligan
-Cast: Leslie Den Dooven, Michael Chiodo, Deeann Veeder, Chris Georges, Ellen Orchid, Lon Freeman, Joseph Vitagliano, Bill Grant, Judith Mayes, Che Moody, Chris Baker, John Garritt, Lola Ross
Not Rated- contains physical violence, brief gun violence, gore, mild profanity, adult situations, alcohol use
Andy "Acquired Taste" Milligan has a beautiful setting for this haunted house thriller- his own home. The rest of the film? Lousy.
Married couple Carol (Leslie Den Dooven) and Johnathan (Michael Chiodo) get a creaky old house with all the furnishings very cheap, not knowing that three years prior, the original owners Susan (Deeann Veeder) and Mark (Chris Georges) had committed suicide there in the film's opening minutes. Strange things begin to happen as items are moved around and misplaced, harmless things until Carol is cut by a kitchen knife. Soon, the ghosts begin killing people who enter the house.
Unlike the other Milligan films I have seen in the past ("Bloodthirsty Butchers," "The Rats are Coming! The Werewolves are Here!"), "Carnage" is unforgivably BORING. The bad filmmaking is something to behold, as you hear the floors creak, see string tied around objects so they can move "on their own," and marvel at the terrible performances and insipid screenplay (all these killings and blood, yet not a single cop is called?). Supporting characters are introduced with no idea about who they are in relation to the main couple. One actress has her hair up in a towel for her introductory scene, so I didn't recognize her later once she was dressed. Check out the flabby guy who needs to take a waterless bath in his underwear, twice, before dying. The climax makes no sense whatsoever, I'd normally suggest a remake using the basic plot but this story has been done a million times before, and better. Some of the blood-spurting gore is alright.
According to the Trivia section on IMDb, the house this was shot in burned down shortly after production. That's a shame, it was the star of the film.
Stats:
(1984) 91 min. (*) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Andy Milligan
-Cast: Leslie Den Dooven, Michael Chiodo, Deeann Veeder, Chris Georges, Ellen Orchid, Lon Freeman, Joseph Vitagliano, Bill Grant, Judith Mayes, Che Moody, Chris Baker, John Garritt, Lola Ross
Not Rated- contains physical violence, brief gun violence, gore, mild profanity, adult situations, alcohol use
Captain John Smith and Pocahontas (1953)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This film is a swift seventy-five minutes, yet the film makers cram in enough misogyny and racism to make it feel twice as long.
Captain John Smith (an awkward Anthony Dexter) is recounting his adventures to the king (an awkward Anthony Eustrel), and the film serves as a flashback to his time in the new Virginia colony of Jamestown. The screenwriters paint Smith as a lovable rogue, a brilliant military mind who gets into all sorts of shenanigans and hijinks. He finds himself in charge of the settlement, and butts heads with butthead villain Wingfield (an awkward James Seay). After slaying a bunch of Native Americans in a confused battle, Smith decides to go make piece with Chief Powhatan (an awkward Douglass Dumbrille) of the local tribe. Smith happens upon Pocahontas (an awkward Jody Lawrance) when he is stumbling around the forest, and the two take a shine to each other. Smith, Charlie (an awkward Alan Hale, Jr.), and John Rolfe (an awkward Robert Clarke) are captured and threatened with execution by ruffian Opechanco (an awkward Stuart Randall). Pocahontas throws herself on Smith, saving his life, and the settlers and Indians fall into an uneasy friendship. Pocahontas must marry Smith, and Wingfield connives for his own personal gain.
I suppose this may have started life as an action epic, but this film is a B-movie to be sure- the locations, the costuming, and the special effects are second-rate. Many of the lines are hysterical ("I, a roving adventurer. She, an Indian princess"), I haven't laughed this hard at a 1950's historical epic since John Wayne was Genghis Khan in "The Conqueror." I am not kidding, the words "Captain John Smith" are uttered no less than a dozen times in the opening ten minutes of the film. While the English of 1607 had quaint ideas about the role of the female in the settlement, and back in London, these scenes pale compared to the blatant racism against Native Americans. I haven't been this disappointed by how they are portrayed onscreen since "Annie Get Your Gun." White actors obviously slathered with brown makeup and black wigs, lots of tomahawks and threats to scalp, dancing around big fires and banging drums- the sheer stupidity of the "naturals" scenes is overwhelming. Lew Landers directs on a small scale, with only one memorable shot- a fight set against some orange flames near the end of the film. The cast flounders, trying to deliver their unnatural lines naturally. The Native Americans talk like many movie Indians talked back then- unconvincing poetry, third-person self-references, and even a "forked tongue" line. The real issue of the Native Americans dying from diseases brought by European settlers is lost in the ineptitude. I am pretty sure the Disney cartoon from a few years back got more right historically than this film, and "The New World" probably serves as the definitive version of the Smith/Pocahontas story, which seems to be a combination of bravado and myth on Smith's part.
"Captain John Smith and Pocahontas" is as awkward as its title, a silly effort that isn't worth your time.
Stats:
(1953) 75 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Lew Landers
-Original Screenplay by Aubrey Wisberg and Jack Pollexfen
-Cast: Anthony Dexter, Jody Lawrance, Alan Hale Jr., Robert Clarke, Stuart Randall, James Seay, Philip Van Zandt, Shepard Menken, Douglass Dumbrille, Anthony Eustrel, Henry Rowland, Eric Colmar
(Not Rated)
This film is a swift seventy-five minutes, yet the film makers cram in enough misogyny and racism to make it feel twice as long.
Captain John Smith (an awkward Anthony Dexter) is recounting his adventures to the king (an awkward Anthony Eustrel), and the film serves as a flashback to his time in the new Virginia colony of Jamestown. The screenwriters paint Smith as a lovable rogue, a brilliant military mind who gets into all sorts of shenanigans and hijinks. He finds himself in charge of the settlement, and butts heads with butthead villain Wingfield (an awkward James Seay). After slaying a bunch of Native Americans in a confused battle, Smith decides to go make piece with Chief Powhatan (an awkward Douglass Dumbrille) of the local tribe. Smith happens upon Pocahontas (an awkward Jody Lawrance) when he is stumbling around the forest, and the two take a shine to each other. Smith, Charlie (an awkward Alan Hale, Jr.), and John Rolfe (an awkward Robert Clarke) are captured and threatened with execution by ruffian Opechanco (an awkward Stuart Randall). Pocahontas throws herself on Smith, saving his life, and the settlers and Indians fall into an uneasy friendship. Pocahontas must marry Smith, and Wingfield connives for his own personal gain.
I suppose this may have started life as an action epic, but this film is a B-movie to be sure- the locations, the costuming, and the special effects are second-rate. Many of the lines are hysterical ("I, a roving adventurer. She, an Indian princess"), I haven't laughed this hard at a 1950's historical epic since John Wayne was Genghis Khan in "The Conqueror." I am not kidding, the words "Captain John Smith" are uttered no less than a dozen times in the opening ten minutes of the film. While the English of 1607 had quaint ideas about the role of the female in the settlement, and back in London, these scenes pale compared to the blatant racism against Native Americans. I haven't been this disappointed by how they are portrayed onscreen since "Annie Get Your Gun." White actors obviously slathered with brown makeup and black wigs, lots of tomahawks and threats to scalp, dancing around big fires and banging drums- the sheer stupidity of the "naturals" scenes is overwhelming. Lew Landers directs on a small scale, with only one memorable shot- a fight set against some orange flames near the end of the film. The cast flounders, trying to deliver their unnatural lines naturally. The Native Americans talk like many movie Indians talked back then- unconvincing poetry, third-person self-references, and even a "forked tongue" line. The real issue of the Native Americans dying from diseases brought by European settlers is lost in the ineptitude. I am pretty sure the Disney cartoon from a few years back got more right historically than this film, and "The New World" probably serves as the definitive version of the Smith/Pocahontas story, which seems to be a combination of bravado and myth on Smith's part.
"Captain John Smith and Pocahontas" is as awkward as its title, a silly effort that isn't worth your time.
Stats:
(1953) 75 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Lew Landers
-Original Screenplay by Aubrey Wisberg and Jack Pollexfen
-Cast: Anthony Dexter, Jody Lawrance, Alan Hale Jr., Robert Clarke, Stuart Randall, James Seay, Philip Van Zandt, Shepard Menken, Douglass Dumbrille, Anthony Eustrel, Henry Rowland, Eric Colmar
(Not Rated)
Tuesday, April 8, 2025
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This Marvel film features plenty of action, special effects, and cinematic dazzle.
Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is comfortable in his role as S.H.I.E.L.D.'s go-to guy, teaming with the Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) to take care of missions around the globe that don't require ALL of the Avengers. He is still trying to get used to today's society, visiting old flames, and writing down everyone's suggestions for what he "must" do, see, or listen to (musicwise, in a nice scene with Anthony Mackie as Sam Wilson/Falcon). After rescuing some hostages from a hijacked ship in the Indian Ocean, Rogers is exposed to the political realities of working for the massive covert unit. Everyone seems to have a secret agenda, which collides with Rogers' beliefs. The unit's commander, Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) answers to Secretary Pierce (Robert Redford, bringing a huge sack of gravitas to a "comic book film") -pierce...shield...get it? You know Pierce is going to be a major thorn in everyone's side. Back room dealings force Rogers to face an elite assassin who resurrects an enemy Captain America assumed was long dead. Rogers quickly learns, and is told by Fury, that you cannot trust anyone.
What I liked about the film, much like the previous year's "Thor: The Dark World," is that this is a stand alone story for Captain America only. Evans is a great hero, at ease in his role. Redford seems to have thrown all caution to the wind, chewing up a supporting role, as opposed to what I thought was a cameo when I saw the preview. Evans and Johansson have an easy chemistry, I wish they would do something else together not involving saving the world. The Russos' direction tends to vary. The best action sequence is a good old fashioned car chase in Washington, D.C. At worse, some of the flying sequences involving the new hero, Falcon, are blurred and confusing, much like a "Transformers" flick. I wish some directors would find that happy medium between nailing the camera to the floor, and shaking and swooping the scene to the point where you taste your popcorn coming back up. The screenplay presents a nice paranoid puzzle, but for every surprise, there is a scene where the writers' "big revelation" is about as shocking as a sunrise. The returning veterans angle is noble, but sometimes lurches along uncomfortably before the affected subjects jump right back into combat. It's also nice to see genre favorite Jenny Agutter on the big screen in these films. She still looks fantastic. Was there a musical score? I honestly don't remember it. I would also advise boning up on the first "Captain America" film, the story is referenced a lot here.
Stats:
(2014) 136 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Anthony Russo, Joe Russo
-Screenplay by Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely based on the Marvel comic by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby
-Cast: Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Robert Redford, Samuel L. Jackson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Jenny Agutter, Cobie Smulders, Frank Grillo, Maximiliano Hernandez, Emily VanCamp, Hayley Atwell, Toby Jones
(PG-13)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Visual Effects (lost to "Interstellar")
This Marvel film features plenty of action, special effects, and cinematic dazzle.
Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is comfortable in his role as S.H.I.E.L.D.'s go-to guy, teaming with the Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) to take care of missions around the globe that don't require ALL of the Avengers. He is still trying to get used to today's society, visiting old flames, and writing down everyone's suggestions for what he "must" do, see, or listen to (musicwise, in a nice scene with Anthony Mackie as Sam Wilson/Falcon). After rescuing some hostages from a hijacked ship in the Indian Ocean, Rogers is exposed to the political realities of working for the massive covert unit. Everyone seems to have a secret agenda, which collides with Rogers' beliefs. The unit's commander, Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) answers to Secretary Pierce (Robert Redford, bringing a huge sack of gravitas to a "comic book film") -pierce...shield...get it? You know Pierce is going to be a major thorn in everyone's side. Back room dealings force Rogers to face an elite assassin who resurrects an enemy Captain America assumed was long dead. Rogers quickly learns, and is told by Fury, that you cannot trust anyone.
What I liked about the film, much like the previous year's "Thor: The Dark World," is that this is a stand alone story for Captain America only. Evans is a great hero, at ease in his role. Redford seems to have thrown all caution to the wind, chewing up a supporting role, as opposed to what I thought was a cameo when I saw the preview. Evans and Johansson have an easy chemistry, I wish they would do something else together not involving saving the world. The Russos' direction tends to vary. The best action sequence is a good old fashioned car chase in Washington, D.C. At worse, some of the flying sequences involving the new hero, Falcon, are blurred and confusing, much like a "Transformers" flick. I wish some directors would find that happy medium between nailing the camera to the floor, and shaking and swooping the scene to the point where you taste your popcorn coming back up. The screenplay presents a nice paranoid puzzle, but for every surprise, there is a scene where the writers' "big revelation" is about as shocking as a sunrise. The returning veterans angle is noble, but sometimes lurches along uncomfortably before the affected subjects jump right back into combat. It's also nice to see genre favorite Jenny Agutter on the big screen in these films. She still looks fantastic. Was there a musical score? I honestly don't remember it. I would also advise boning up on the first "Captain America" film, the story is referenced a lot here.
Stats:
(2014) 136 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Anthony Russo, Joe Russo
-Screenplay by Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely based on the Marvel comic by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby
-Cast: Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Robert Redford, Samuel L. Jackson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Jenny Agutter, Cobie Smulders, Frank Grillo, Maximiliano Hernandez, Emily VanCamp, Hayley Atwell, Toby Jones
(PG-13)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Visual Effects (lost to "Interstellar")
Can't Stop the Music (1980)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This 1980 disaster safely holds the title of "one of the worst movies ever made."
Jack (Steve Guttenberg, kicking off his 1980's career cringefest with a bang) is a struggling composer/dweeb who lives with recently retired supermodel Sam (Valerie Perrine, who tries way too hard considering the material she was given). Sam is dating uptight tax attorney Ron (Caitlyn Jenner as Bruce Jenner), who is consistently shocked at his girlfriend's behavior. Sam is being pursued by her modelling agency head Sydne (Tammy Grimes) to return to the catwalk, and she also uses her relationship with former boyfriend Steve (Paul Sand, who comes out of this better than anyone), who owns a record company, to foist Jack's "sound of the '80's" disco music on an unsuspecting public. Sam's BFF/Sydne's assistant, Lulu (Marilyn Sokol) is along for the ride, trying to do too many things at once behind the scenes- like choreography, and bedding anything male in the area. I know what you're thinking: isn't this movie a psuedo-biography about the founding of Village People, who had three huge hits in the late '70's? Yup, but the band members take a supporting role in their own flick. Some of the guys are given character names, but some aren't, and their limited acting skills come through in a big way. Even the final credits only list them by their "roles" when singing as the group: Policeman (Ray Simpson), Construction Worker (David Hodo), Indian (Felipe Rose), Cowboy (Randy Jones), Leatherman (Glenn Hughes), and G.I. (Alex Briley). The six represented fantasy roles in some homosexual circles, and it's both fascinating and embarrassing to watch straight women in the film fall over themselves trying to bed the men.
This was actress Nancy Walker's only big screen film that she helmed, thank god. She had directed a few sitcom episodes, but I don't know what possessed anyone to give her a twenty million dollar disco musical to bring to life. The opening scenes, with Guttenberg rocking out to his own music while rollerskating, is a mess. Guttenberg doesn't play a musician well, and can't dance to his own music, so every time he lets the rhythm get him, you'll want to die. Producer Allan Carr cowrote the script with Bronte Woodard- who penned the "Grease" screenplay, and died too young at 39. I use the term "script" lightly, since I cannot believe any of the lines spoken were ever written down, much less thought out. The screenplay is awful, and with Jenner's life change, hearing their character talk about his dual personality is ironic. Guttenberg is awful, Sand is okay, Perrine is bland, Sokol is sleazy and kind of pathetic, Grimes is sad to watch, but what about Jenner? They had been considered for the role of Superman a couple of years earlier, and I could see that. They're only direction here seems to be "wince, huff a lot, and bug your eyes out." In the right director's hands, they might have been able to make a go of a cinematic career. Instead, they debuted in an infamous flop and never recovered until reality television came along.
Sure, "Xanadu" and "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" also came out around the same time, and all three films succeeded in killing the movie musical for a few years. I argue that "Xanadu" and "Sgt. Pepper's..." were slightly better, not by much, because their songs- thanks to Jeff Lynne, and The Beatles, respectively- were better. Here, Village People perform one hit, "YMCA," in the most bizarre musical number ever, and a bunch of songs no one listened to- including "Liberation," as gay a gay anthem as has ever been sung. I was speechless and close to tears while viewing this on a streaming service, when suddenly the movie stopped and an error message appeared on the screen. I thought, "wow, this is so bad it broke the internet." I had to call and have my modem rebooted automatically, and didn't continue watching until the next day. I sat down again, and figured I had to be half way through this monstrosity, which runs an astounding 124 minutes, only to discover I was twenty-two minutes in.
You "Can't Stop The Music," but you can shut off the television.
Stats:
(1980) 124 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Nancy Walker
-Written by Bronte Woodard and Allan Carr
-Cast: Village People, Valerie Perrine, Steve Guttenberg, Caitlyn Jenner, Marilyn Sokol, Paul Sand, Tammy Grimes, Ray Simpson, David Hodo, Felipe Rose, Randy Jones, Glenn Hughes, Alex Briley
(PG)
This 1980 disaster safely holds the title of "one of the worst movies ever made."
Jack (Steve Guttenberg, kicking off his 1980's career cringefest with a bang) is a struggling composer/dweeb who lives with recently retired supermodel Sam (Valerie Perrine, who tries way too hard considering the material she was given). Sam is dating uptight tax attorney Ron (Caitlyn Jenner as Bruce Jenner), who is consistently shocked at his girlfriend's behavior. Sam is being pursued by her modelling agency head Sydne (Tammy Grimes) to return to the catwalk, and she also uses her relationship with former boyfriend Steve (Paul Sand, who comes out of this better than anyone), who owns a record company, to foist Jack's "sound of the '80's" disco music on an unsuspecting public. Sam's BFF/Sydne's assistant, Lulu (Marilyn Sokol) is along for the ride, trying to do too many things at once behind the scenes- like choreography, and bedding anything male in the area. I know what you're thinking: isn't this movie a psuedo-biography about the founding of Village People, who had three huge hits in the late '70's? Yup, but the band members take a supporting role in their own flick. Some of the guys are given character names, but some aren't, and their limited acting skills come through in a big way. Even the final credits only list them by their "roles" when singing as the group: Policeman (Ray Simpson), Construction Worker (David Hodo), Indian (Felipe Rose), Cowboy (Randy Jones), Leatherman (Glenn Hughes), and G.I. (Alex Briley). The six represented fantasy roles in some homosexual circles, and it's both fascinating and embarrassing to watch straight women in the film fall over themselves trying to bed the men.
This was actress Nancy Walker's only big screen film that she helmed, thank god. She had directed a few sitcom episodes, but I don't know what possessed anyone to give her a twenty million dollar disco musical to bring to life. The opening scenes, with Guttenberg rocking out to his own music while rollerskating, is a mess. Guttenberg doesn't play a musician well, and can't dance to his own music, so every time he lets the rhythm get him, you'll want to die. Producer Allan Carr cowrote the script with Bronte Woodard- who penned the "Grease" screenplay, and died too young at 39. I use the term "script" lightly, since I cannot believe any of the lines spoken were ever written down, much less thought out. The screenplay is awful, and with Jenner's life change, hearing their character talk about his dual personality is ironic. Guttenberg is awful, Sand is okay, Perrine is bland, Sokol is sleazy and kind of pathetic, Grimes is sad to watch, but what about Jenner? They had been considered for the role of Superman a couple of years earlier, and I could see that. They're only direction here seems to be "wince, huff a lot, and bug your eyes out." In the right director's hands, they might have been able to make a go of a cinematic career. Instead, they debuted in an infamous flop and never recovered until reality television came along.
Sure, "Xanadu" and "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" also came out around the same time, and all three films succeeded in killing the movie musical for a few years. I argue that "Xanadu" and "Sgt. Pepper's..." were slightly better, not by much, because their songs- thanks to Jeff Lynne, and The Beatles, respectively- were better. Here, Village People perform one hit, "YMCA," in the most bizarre musical number ever, and a bunch of songs no one listened to- including "Liberation," as gay a gay anthem as has ever been sung. I was speechless and close to tears while viewing this on a streaming service, when suddenly the movie stopped and an error message appeared on the screen. I thought, "wow, this is so bad it broke the internet." I had to call and have my modem rebooted automatically, and didn't continue watching until the next day. I sat down again, and figured I had to be half way through this monstrosity, which runs an astounding 124 minutes, only to discover I was twenty-two minutes in.
You "Can't Stop The Music," but you can shut off the television.
Stats:
(1980) 124 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Nancy Walker
-Written by Bronte Woodard and Allan Carr
-Cast: Village People, Valerie Perrine, Steve Guttenberg, Caitlyn Jenner, Marilyn Sokol, Paul Sand, Tammy Grimes, Ray Simpson, David Hodo, Felipe Rose, Randy Jones, Glenn Hughes, Alex Briley
(PG)
The Cabin in the Woods (2011)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Without repeating the phrase "spoiler alert" every two sentences, I am going to try to review the trippy but disappointing "The Cabin in the Woods" without revealing too much about the film.
Five college students: virginal Dana (Kristen Connolly), jock Curt (Chris Hemsworth), hottie Jules (Anna Hutchison), pothead Marty (Fran Kranz), and jockish egghead Holden (Jesse Williams) head to an isolated cabin recently purchased by Curt's cousin. They encounter a creepy old guy (Tim DeZarn) who proclaims impending gloom and doom, arrive at the cabin, and discover unsettling things like a two-way mirror, a gory painting, and a basement full of items guaranteed to trigger some sort of evil. Now, let's go ahead and kick in the "spoiler alert", even though this subplot is touched on in the preview and one of the first things the audience experiences: Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins are very entertaining as two weathered techies who seem to be manipulating what our five co-eds are experiencing. Until the cartoonish climax, which does feature a welcome cameo from the genre's most successful actress, the audience gets caught up in the machinations of the puppets and puppeteers. Alright, end of "spoiler alert".
The slasher film has been asking to be turned on its head for years, and aside from some spoofs and unimaginative reimaginings, we have become desensitized to these horror films. While writers Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard should be lauded for crafting something new, I did not feel like the parallel stories combined well. The slasher aspect is a foregone conclusion, and while some of its imagery is creepy, I quickly tired of it the same way I tired of the myriad of "Friday the 13th"/"A Nightmare on Elm Street" sequels although a lot of the dark comedic elements here had me laughing out loud. The entire cast is great, they seem to know their characters are actually caricatures. The special effects are hot and cold, and maybe intentionally so. I felt the last half hour of the film thought itself so clever, it decided to let loose with a violent barrage that made me think "okay, the 'been there, seen that' element has broken out of the slasher plot and invaded the subplot." Sure, you can argue nothing like "The Cabin in the Woods" has ever been done before, but many elements of it have- from "The Truman Show" to "Cube" to "Hellraiser" and so on. The gore and blood are so heavy, literally flowing, that suspense and scares are also killed in the process. The preview for "Chernobyl Diaries" that I watched before this in the theater had more squirm-inducing imagery than the last half hour of "The Cabin in the Woods." Although not a bad film, this is not the groundbreaking event you may have been hyped into believing. Thank goodness we shouldn't have to worry about any sequels.
Stats:
(2011) 95 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Drew Goddard
-Written by Joss Whedon & Drew Goddard
-Cast: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams, Tim DeZarn, Bradley Whitford, Richard Jenkins, Sigourney Weaver, Brian White, Amy Acker, Tom Lenk, Dan Payne
(R)
Without repeating the phrase "spoiler alert" every two sentences, I am going to try to review the trippy but disappointing "The Cabin in the Woods" without revealing too much about the film.
Five college students: virginal Dana (Kristen Connolly), jock Curt (Chris Hemsworth), hottie Jules (Anna Hutchison), pothead Marty (Fran Kranz), and jockish egghead Holden (Jesse Williams) head to an isolated cabin recently purchased by Curt's cousin. They encounter a creepy old guy (Tim DeZarn) who proclaims impending gloom and doom, arrive at the cabin, and discover unsettling things like a two-way mirror, a gory painting, and a basement full of items guaranteed to trigger some sort of evil. Now, let's go ahead and kick in the "spoiler alert", even though this subplot is touched on in the preview and one of the first things the audience experiences: Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins are very entertaining as two weathered techies who seem to be manipulating what our five co-eds are experiencing. Until the cartoonish climax, which does feature a welcome cameo from the genre's most successful actress, the audience gets caught up in the machinations of the puppets and puppeteers. Alright, end of "spoiler alert".
The slasher film has been asking to be turned on its head for years, and aside from some spoofs and unimaginative reimaginings, we have become desensitized to these horror films. While writers Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard should be lauded for crafting something new, I did not feel like the parallel stories combined well. The slasher aspect is a foregone conclusion, and while some of its imagery is creepy, I quickly tired of it the same way I tired of the myriad of "Friday the 13th"/"A Nightmare on Elm Street" sequels although a lot of the dark comedic elements here had me laughing out loud. The entire cast is great, they seem to know their characters are actually caricatures. The special effects are hot and cold, and maybe intentionally so. I felt the last half hour of the film thought itself so clever, it decided to let loose with a violent barrage that made me think "okay, the 'been there, seen that' element has broken out of the slasher plot and invaded the subplot." Sure, you can argue nothing like "The Cabin in the Woods" has ever been done before, but many elements of it have- from "The Truman Show" to "Cube" to "Hellraiser" and so on. The gore and blood are so heavy, literally flowing, that suspense and scares are also killed in the process. The preview for "Chernobyl Diaries" that I watched before this in the theater had more squirm-inducing imagery than the last half hour of "The Cabin in the Woods." Although not a bad film, this is not the groundbreaking event you may have been hyped into believing. Thank goodness we shouldn't have to worry about any sequels.
Stats:
(2011) 95 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Drew Goddard
-Written by Joss Whedon & Drew Goddard
-Cast: Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams, Tim DeZarn, Bradley Whitford, Richard Jenkins, Sigourney Weaver, Brian White, Amy Acker, Tom Lenk, Dan Payne
(R)
Bullet Collector (2011)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
It is hard to believe that this mixture of "Pixote" and "The 400 Blows" is Aleksandr Vartanov's first film.
Ruslan Nazarenko is an unnamed fourteen year old boy living a bleak existence in Russia. His life is full of fantasy, as he tells stories of his real father and that man's connection to a cult who are constantly at war in the shadows of normal existence. The boy has a girlfriend who falls for his stories, and he also has it rough at school, getting bullied and learning that he can also bully smaller children.The first half of the film is a hallucinatory look at the boy's life in the city. It is dark and depressing- both the film and his life. He exists on the fringe, and uses what he sees and hears to fuel his hallucinatory visions of what he would do to harm others. Literally half-way through the film, things take an even darker turn as the boy is sent to a juvenile prison camp after a bloody street fight. There, he makes a couple of friends, and plans an escape from the compound.
While the plot is threadbare for a two hour film, the screen is filled with images that will send your mind reeling. The black-and-white photography recalls 1960's French New Wave, as it was meant to, and Vartanov fills every corner with doom and gloom. Even hopeful scenes like the ones with the boy's girlfriend are dank and sad. The brilliance of the film is that it is never boring, and while this boy's existence is awful, Vartanov doesn't feel the need to push the viewer's face into the muck, as Larry Clark did in "Kids." He presents the story, the visuals, and steps away. The film is amazingly edited by Ivan Gaev. It had to take forever to collect the shots in this kind of order. The script must be as nightmarish to read as it is to watch, as hallucinations, dreams, fantasies, and jarring violence are witnessed through the eyes of both this anti-heroic child, and our own senses. You won't like this kid much, but seeing his existence will prompt many a discussion after watching the film about the entire nature/nurture debate- the boy's home life with his unloving mother and jerk stepfather are as bad as anything he goes through at school. It's difficult to "like" a film like this, to sing its praises and recommend it to people.
"Bullet Collector" is the most depressing film I have seen since "Pixote," features a central performance on par with that Brazilian classic, and is directed by a new master with a camera. It is a shame this did not receive as much attention as it should. I can only recommend that you seek it out- love it or hate it, you won't soon forget it.
Stats:
(2011) 81 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Aleksandr Vartanov
-Written by Yuriy Klavdiev, Aleksandr Vartanov
-Cast: Ruslan Nazarenko, Aleksandr Userdin, Yuliya Aug, Pyotr Ivanov, Aleksey Rozin, Ivan Basov, Aleksey Yagodkin, Alisa Khazanova, Pyotr Fyodorov, Sergey Shnurov, Nikolay Matyunin, Evgeniy Olshanskiy, Alina Olshanskaya
(Unrated)
It is hard to believe that this mixture of "Pixote" and "The 400 Blows" is Aleksandr Vartanov's first film.
Ruslan Nazarenko is an unnamed fourteen year old boy living a bleak existence in Russia. His life is full of fantasy, as he tells stories of his real father and that man's connection to a cult who are constantly at war in the shadows of normal existence. The boy has a girlfriend who falls for his stories, and he also has it rough at school, getting bullied and learning that he can also bully smaller children.The first half of the film is a hallucinatory look at the boy's life in the city. It is dark and depressing- both the film and his life. He exists on the fringe, and uses what he sees and hears to fuel his hallucinatory visions of what he would do to harm others. Literally half-way through the film, things take an even darker turn as the boy is sent to a juvenile prison camp after a bloody street fight. There, he makes a couple of friends, and plans an escape from the compound.
While the plot is threadbare for a two hour film, the screen is filled with images that will send your mind reeling. The black-and-white photography recalls 1960's French New Wave, as it was meant to, and Vartanov fills every corner with doom and gloom. Even hopeful scenes like the ones with the boy's girlfriend are dank and sad. The brilliance of the film is that it is never boring, and while this boy's existence is awful, Vartanov doesn't feel the need to push the viewer's face into the muck, as Larry Clark did in "Kids." He presents the story, the visuals, and steps away. The film is amazingly edited by Ivan Gaev. It had to take forever to collect the shots in this kind of order. The script must be as nightmarish to read as it is to watch, as hallucinations, dreams, fantasies, and jarring violence are witnessed through the eyes of both this anti-heroic child, and our own senses. You won't like this kid much, but seeing his existence will prompt many a discussion after watching the film about the entire nature/nurture debate- the boy's home life with his unloving mother and jerk stepfather are as bad as anything he goes through at school. It's difficult to "like" a film like this, to sing its praises and recommend it to people.
"Bullet Collector" is the most depressing film I have seen since "Pixote," features a central performance on par with that Brazilian classic, and is directed by a new master with a camera. It is a shame this did not receive as much attention as it should. I can only recommend that you seek it out- love it or hate it, you won't soon forget it.
Stats:
(2011) 81 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Aleksandr Vartanov
-Written by Yuriy Klavdiev, Aleksandr Vartanov
-Cast: Ruslan Nazarenko, Aleksandr Userdin, Yuliya Aug, Pyotr Ivanov, Aleksey Rozin, Ivan Basov, Aleksey Yagodkin, Alisa Khazanova, Pyotr Fyodorov, Sergey Shnurov, Nikolay Matyunin, Evgeniy Olshanskiy, Alina Olshanskaya
(Unrated)
Eye of the Dragon (1982)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Bruce Le (not to be confused with Bruce Lee or Bruce Li, or even Bruce Springsteen), plays Bruce, a crime lord's henchman who gets sent to prison after a drug deal gone wrong. He is released, and decides to retire from the henchman game. He's going to marry his girlfriend and settle down, but unfortunately his old gang kidnaps the local ambassador's daughter. Bruce is recruited by the police to find her and he begins flying around the world trying to rescue her, seeks revenge, and showing up for a climactic duel.
This film, known under about half a dozen other names, definitely falls into the "so bad, it's good" category and I never cater to that type of flick. The action is okay, nothing really earth shattering. Le bears a slight resemblance to Bruce Lee, but Le is smaller in stature. Harold Sakata somehow got involved in this, playing one of the villains. If you do not remember him as Oddjob in "Goldfinger," don't worry. The film makers ignore copyright laws by playing Monte Norman's "James Bond Theme" every time Sakata is onscreen. Sakata also has a razor edged hat, and he wears a metallic glove on one hand with gold fingers- I kid you not. Simon and Garfunkel and a few late '70's disco acts also contribute to the soundtrack, and may not even know it. Bolo Yeung is along for the ride as another villain. For a B flick, this certainly had a travel agent working overtime. You do not see many kung fu moves taking place in Rome, Paris, or Macau, yet Le is seen running around all three locations. The direction is weird. The final showdown has Bruce kicking some major butt. Suddenly, the film makers throw in actual animation to show us what Bruce is doing to his opponent's body: a broken leg, a busted rib, a beating heart, all drawn in silly cartoon footage. There is also an abundance of nude women, even more than usual in a martial arts flick.
"Eye of the Dragon," AKA "Bruce Le Strikes Back," "Bruce Le Fights Back," "Ninja Strikes Back," and "Xiong zhong," is awful, and awfully fascinating.
Stats:
(1982) 81 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Bruce Le, Joseph Velasco
-Written by Joseph Velasco
-Cast: Bruce Le, Harold Sakata, Jeong-lee Hwang, Andre Koob, Corliss Randall, Dick Randall, Fabienne Beze, Bolo Yeung, Jean-Marie Pallardy, Li-Li Chen, Monica Lam, Yat Fan Lau, Yi-Yi Li
(R)
Bruce Le (not to be confused with Bruce Lee or Bruce Li, or even Bruce Springsteen), plays Bruce, a crime lord's henchman who gets sent to prison after a drug deal gone wrong. He is released, and decides to retire from the henchman game. He's going to marry his girlfriend and settle down, but unfortunately his old gang kidnaps the local ambassador's daughter. Bruce is recruited by the police to find her and he begins flying around the world trying to rescue her, seeks revenge, and showing up for a climactic duel.
This film, known under about half a dozen other names, definitely falls into the "so bad, it's good" category and I never cater to that type of flick. The action is okay, nothing really earth shattering. Le bears a slight resemblance to Bruce Lee, but Le is smaller in stature. Harold Sakata somehow got involved in this, playing one of the villains. If you do not remember him as Oddjob in "Goldfinger," don't worry. The film makers ignore copyright laws by playing Monte Norman's "James Bond Theme" every time Sakata is onscreen. Sakata also has a razor edged hat, and he wears a metallic glove on one hand with gold fingers- I kid you not. Simon and Garfunkel and a few late '70's disco acts also contribute to the soundtrack, and may not even know it. Bolo Yeung is along for the ride as another villain. For a B flick, this certainly had a travel agent working overtime. You do not see many kung fu moves taking place in Rome, Paris, or Macau, yet Le is seen running around all three locations. The direction is weird. The final showdown has Bruce kicking some major butt. Suddenly, the film makers throw in actual animation to show us what Bruce is doing to his opponent's body: a broken leg, a busted rib, a beating heart, all drawn in silly cartoon footage. There is also an abundance of nude women, even more than usual in a martial arts flick.
"Eye of the Dragon," AKA "Bruce Le Strikes Back," "Bruce Le Fights Back," "Ninja Strikes Back," and "Xiong zhong," is awful, and awfully fascinating.
Stats:
(1982) 81 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Bruce Le, Joseph Velasco
-Written by Joseph Velasco
-Cast: Bruce Le, Harold Sakata, Jeong-lee Hwang, Andre Koob, Corliss Randall, Dick Randall, Fabienne Beze, Bolo Yeung, Jean-Marie Pallardy, Li-Li Chen, Monica Lam, Yat Fan Lau, Yi-Yi Li
(R)
Monday, April 7, 2025
Hart Crane: An Exegesis (2012)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
In order to educate film goers on the poet Hart Crane, and hype his biopic "The Broken Tower", writer/director/actor James Franco sits down via video remote with three university instructors and talks shop.
Hart Crane was a poet who came of age during the Roaring Twenties, writing dense, often difficult verse before committing suicide at the age of 32 by jumping into the Gulf of Mexico. He was an open homosexual with an alcohol problem, and is more appreciated now than when he was alive. Franco became fascinated with Crane's writing in college, and while he looks nothing like Crane, he took on portraying the poet, along with writing and directing "The Broken Tower," his graduate thesis film. Franco, who balances his roles in mainstream fare in order to pursue pet projects like this, picks the brains of the three professors- Alan Williamson, Paul Mariani, and Langdon Hammer- about Crane's motivations behind the major events in his life, and eventual death. Influences on Crane, like T.S. Eliot and Walt Whitman, are touched upon, and the interviews are edited together along with footage from Franco's film.
The casual viewer may still wonder what all the fuss is about with Crane. Franco and the professors try to shed light on their subject, you can see a genuine affection for the writer in all of their questions and answers, but they often bring up even more questions than they can answer. After a while, even the praise of Franco and his film gets to be a bit much, but this video is a welcome departure from the usual "behind-the-scenes" fluff pieces that were standard on video releases.
"Hart Crane: An Exegesis" is probably only of interest to Franco's classmates, snobbish film types, poetry fans, and Hart Crane fanatics. I find myself in a couple of those categories, and recommend this documentary.
Stats:
(2012) 48 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by James Franco
-Cast: James Franco, Langdon Hammer, Paul Mariani, Alan Williamson
(Not Rated)
In order to educate film goers on the poet Hart Crane, and hype his biopic "The Broken Tower", writer/director/actor James Franco sits down via video remote with three university instructors and talks shop.
Hart Crane was a poet who came of age during the Roaring Twenties, writing dense, often difficult verse before committing suicide at the age of 32 by jumping into the Gulf of Mexico. He was an open homosexual with an alcohol problem, and is more appreciated now than when he was alive. Franco became fascinated with Crane's writing in college, and while he looks nothing like Crane, he took on portraying the poet, along with writing and directing "The Broken Tower," his graduate thesis film. Franco, who balances his roles in mainstream fare in order to pursue pet projects like this, picks the brains of the three professors- Alan Williamson, Paul Mariani, and Langdon Hammer- about Crane's motivations behind the major events in his life, and eventual death. Influences on Crane, like T.S. Eliot and Walt Whitman, are touched upon, and the interviews are edited together along with footage from Franco's film.
The casual viewer may still wonder what all the fuss is about with Crane. Franco and the professors try to shed light on their subject, you can see a genuine affection for the writer in all of their questions and answers, but they often bring up even more questions than they can answer. After a while, even the praise of Franco and his film gets to be a bit much, but this video is a welcome departure from the usual "behind-the-scenes" fluff pieces that were standard on video releases.
"Hart Crane: An Exegesis" is probably only of interest to Franco's classmates, snobbish film types, poetry fans, and Hart Crane fanatics. I find myself in a couple of those categories, and recommend this documentary.
Stats:
(2012) 48 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by James Franco
-Cast: James Franco, Langdon Hammer, Paul Mariani, Alan Williamson
(Not Rated)
The Broken Tower (2011)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Poet Hart Crane was born to a well-to-do businessman and his wife in 1899, and his parents would later divorce. He grew up in the Roaring Twenties, and would supplement his small writing income by doing copywriting in the burgeoning advertising field- a job he hated. He was gay, or at least bisexual, drank too much, and jumped from a ship and drowned in the Gulf of Mexico when he was only 32. I didn't know James Franco made this film until I recognized the title from a book about Crane. Franco seems obsessed with poets- between this film, "Howl," and a delayed but talked-about biopic of Charles Bukowski, he seems obsessed with poets I am obsessed with. I had high hopes sitting down to this, and after viewing the documentary "Hart Crane: An Exegesis," I was ready to let Franco show me Hart Crane as he saw him.
Franco wrote, directed, and stars in the project, apparently a film to fulfill a university thesis. Crane's poetry can be complex and difficult, I don't pretend to understand a lot of what I have read by him, but Franco makes the mistake of writing and directing an equally difficult film. In the film's case, I "got" what Franco was trying to do, I am saying it was the wrong approach to Crane's life. Franco casts his younger brother Dave as a younger Hart, or Harold as he was born, and their mother as Hart's mother. Michael Shannon is Emile, the love of Hart's life and subject of some of his poetry. The problem is that Shannon's scenes number about four, as do his lines of dialogue, and the viewer doesn't discover his name until the end credits. Crane's parents also get shorted, for being such big influences in his life. Crane's relationship with Malcolm Cowley's ex-wife (Stacey Miller) is also touched upon but not explored.
The film's running time is listed as ninety-nine minutes, but other sources and my old notes put this at one hundred and ten minutes; so what do we get in that running time? Franco does do a brave thing- exhibiting an eleven minute poetry reading just before the midpoint of the film. The black-and-white photography, with the exception of a color sequence in a cathedral, is nice. The muted sad jazz of the time provides an excellent soundtrack to Crane's moods, even in the lighter moments when he is with friends, and drunk. It is hard to make a compelling film about someone sitting at a desk and typing, but Franco tries. The film is chaptered by title cards enumerating Crane's life "voyages", and this does help follow what was going on in his life to a certain extent.
However, Franco as Crane walks. A lot. Too much. There is so much footage of Franco walking around, I began to make morbid jokes about Crane's leg strength when he took his final plunge into the big drink. This padding technique went beyond experimental or difficult and into tedium. Franco plays Crane as a spoiled genius, but he throws one too many fits and I didn't like Crane as Franco saw him. He looks nothing like Crane, either, and a scene where Crane performs a sex act on a lover seems out of place and exploitative- it's obvious Franco wanted to do something shocking to get the film talked about. I was relieved when it was over, and disappointed that Franco couldn't get his admiration for the writer on film without alienating the same audience that finds Crane's writing unfathomable.
Next time, I hope Franco's desire to make an arty film about an artist is tempered by a desire to make that artist accessible to the viewer. Not knowing anything about Crane, and watching this, would make me shun Crane's work. "The Broken Tower" turns into a broken film.
Stats:
(2011) 99 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by James Franco
-Written by James Franco based on the book by Paul Mariani
-Cast: James Franco, Michael Shannon, Stacey Miller, Dave Franco, Betsy Franco, Richard Abate, Paul Mariani, Shandor Garrison, Dylan Goodwin, John Morrow, Ivo Juhani, Vince Jolivette, Fallon Goodsen
(Unrated)
Poet Hart Crane was born to a well-to-do businessman and his wife in 1899, and his parents would later divorce. He grew up in the Roaring Twenties, and would supplement his small writing income by doing copywriting in the burgeoning advertising field- a job he hated. He was gay, or at least bisexual, drank too much, and jumped from a ship and drowned in the Gulf of Mexico when he was only 32. I didn't know James Franco made this film until I recognized the title from a book about Crane. Franco seems obsessed with poets- between this film, "Howl," and a delayed but talked-about biopic of Charles Bukowski, he seems obsessed with poets I am obsessed with. I had high hopes sitting down to this, and after viewing the documentary "Hart Crane: An Exegesis," I was ready to let Franco show me Hart Crane as he saw him.
Franco wrote, directed, and stars in the project, apparently a film to fulfill a university thesis. Crane's poetry can be complex and difficult, I don't pretend to understand a lot of what I have read by him, but Franco makes the mistake of writing and directing an equally difficult film. In the film's case, I "got" what Franco was trying to do, I am saying it was the wrong approach to Crane's life. Franco casts his younger brother Dave as a younger Hart, or Harold as he was born, and their mother as Hart's mother. Michael Shannon is Emile, the love of Hart's life and subject of some of his poetry. The problem is that Shannon's scenes number about four, as do his lines of dialogue, and the viewer doesn't discover his name until the end credits. Crane's parents also get shorted, for being such big influences in his life. Crane's relationship with Malcolm Cowley's ex-wife (Stacey Miller) is also touched upon but not explored.
The film's running time is listed as ninety-nine minutes, but other sources and my old notes put this at one hundred and ten minutes; so what do we get in that running time? Franco does do a brave thing- exhibiting an eleven minute poetry reading just before the midpoint of the film. The black-and-white photography, with the exception of a color sequence in a cathedral, is nice. The muted sad jazz of the time provides an excellent soundtrack to Crane's moods, even in the lighter moments when he is with friends, and drunk. It is hard to make a compelling film about someone sitting at a desk and typing, but Franco tries. The film is chaptered by title cards enumerating Crane's life "voyages", and this does help follow what was going on in his life to a certain extent.
However, Franco as Crane walks. A lot. Too much. There is so much footage of Franco walking around, I began to make morbid jokes about Crane's leg strength when he took his final plunge into the big drink. This padding technique went beyond experimental or difficult and into tedium. Franco plays Crane as a spoiled genius, but he throws one too many fits and I didn't like Crane as Franco saw him. He looks nothing like Crane, either, and a scene where Crane performs a sex act on a lover seems out of place and exploitative- it's obvious Franco wanted to do something shocking to get the film talked about. I was relieved when it was over, and disappointed that Franco couldn't get his admiration for the writer on film without alienating the same audience that finds Crane's writing unfathomable.
Next time, I hope Franco's desire to make an arty film about an artist is tempered by a desire to make that artist accessible to the viewer. Not knowing anything about Crane, and watching this, would make me shun Crane's work. "The Broken Tower" turns into a broken film.
Stats:
(2011) 99 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by James Franco
-Written by James Franco based on the book by Paul Mariani
-Cast: James Franco, Michael Shannon, Stacey Miller, Dave Franco, Betsy Franco, Richard Abate, Paul Mariani, Shandor Garrison, Dylan Goodwin, John Morrow, Ivo Juhani, Vince Jolivette, Fallon Goodsen
(Unrated)
Body and Soul (1981)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Inspired by the original 1940's film, Leon Isaac Kennedy both pens and stars in this deeply flawed remake.
Leon plays Leon, a cocky amateur boxer. His angry mother (Kim Hamilton) wants him to continue his medical studies at college, but his little sister (Nikki Swasey Seaton) is diagnosed with sickle cell disease. Leon decides to cash in on his boxing talent, morphing into Leon the Lover, much to the chagrin of his trainer (Michael V. Gazzo, doing his best Burgess Meredith impression) and fragile hanger-on/manager Charles (a terrible Perry Lang). Leon's success also crosses over into his love life as he takes up with sports reporter Julie (Jayne Kennedy). The villainous Big Man (Peter Lawford) is introduced, and Leon falls in with the shady character, losing his girlfriend; and Charles in a laughable near-fatal drug overdose scene. As with most boxing films, the climax involves a big fight, where Leon takes on the seemingly indestructible Ricardo (Al Denavo).
Kennedy's screenplay portrays Leon as a jerk right off the bat, and I had trouble liking him. His "transformation" into Leon the Lover is merely physical, and Kennedy cannot seem to garner any sympathy until his involvement with Big Man. Leon's canoodling with awesomely hot hookers, when he has Julie waiting for him, is a huge foreshadowing to some infamous athletes today. Director Bowers' tone in many key scenes is also wrong. Leon's medical school ambitions are touched on but not explored, failing to offer the viewer and Leon any alternative to the easy money and fame. Poor little Nikki gets planted in a wheelchair and must tear up on cue, her character eye-rollingly annoying. While Ricardo is a first-class dirty fighter, his opening scene is so over-the-top (he THROWS a child!), he turns into a buffoonish character with little menace. You can add two training montages and Muhammad Ali poorly portraying himself to the mix. The film's greatest strength is its fight sequences. Choreographer Bob Minor does an excellent job, backed by effective sound effects editing and makeup. Unfortunately, once Kennedy finally finds his way, the viewer has given up and waits for the inevitable.
This is not the worst film the Cannon Group put out in the 1980's, it may actually be one of the strongest, but in this era of sequels, reboots, franchises, and reimaginings, you sometimes cannot beat the original. No split decision here.
Stats:
(1981) 109 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by George Bowers
-Screenplay by Leon Isaac Kennedy suggested by the original screenplay by Abraham Polonsky
-Cast: Leon Isaac Kennedy, Jayne Kennedy, Peter Lawford, Muhammad Ali, Michael V. Gazzo, Perry Lang, Kim Hamilton, Nikki Swasey, Al Denavo, Gilbert Lewis, Chris Wallace, Robbie Epps, J.B. Williamson
(R)
Inspired by the original 1940's film, Leon Isaac Kennedy both pens and stars in this deeply flawed remake.
Leon plays Leon, a cocky amateur boxer. His angry mother (Kim Hamilton) wants him to continue his medical studies at college, but his little sister (Nikki Swasey Seaton) is diagnosed with sickle cell disease. Leon decides to cash in on his boxing talent, morphing into Leon the Lover, much to the chagrin of his trainer (Michael V. Gazzo, doing his best Burgess Meredith impression) and fragile hanger-on/manager Charles (a terrible Perry Lang). Leon's success also crosses over into his love life as he takes up with sports reporter Julie (Jayne Kennedy). The villainous Big Man (Peter Lawford) is introduced, and Leon falls in with the shady character, losing his girlfriend; and Charles in a laughable near-fatal drug overdose scene. As with most boxing films, the climax involves a big fight, where Leon takes on the seemingly indestructible Ricardo (Al Denavo).
Kennedy's screenplay portrays Leon as a jerk right off the bat, and I had trouble liking him. His "transformation" into Leon the Lover is merely physical, and Kennedy cannot seem to garner any sympathy until his involvement with Big Man. Leon's canoodling with awesomely hot hookers, when he has Julie waiting for him, is a huge foreshadowing to some infamous athletes today. Director Bowers' tone in many key scenes is also wrong. Leon's medical school ambitions are touched on but not explored, failing to offer the viewer and Leon any alternative to the easy money and fame. Poor little Nikki gets planted in a wheelchair and must tear up on cue, her character eye-rollingly annoying. While Ricardo is a first-class dirty fighter, his opening scene is so over-the-top (he THROWS a child!), he turns into a buffoonish character with little menace. You can add two training montages and Muhammad Ali poorly portraying himself to the mix. The film's greatest strength is its fight sequences. Choreographer Bob Minor does an excellent job, backed by effective sound effects editing and makeup. Unfortunately, once Kennedy finally finds his way, the viewer has given up and waits for the inevitable.
This is not the worst film the Cannon Group put out in the 1980's, it may actually be one of the strongest, but in this era of sequels, reboots, franchises, and reimaginings, you sometimes cannot beat the original. No split decision here.
Stats:
(1981) 109 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by George Bowers
-Screenplay by Leon Isaac Kennedy suggested by the original screenplay by Abraham Polonsky
-Cast: Leon Isaac Kennedy, Jayne Kennedy, Peter Lawford, Muhammad Ali, Michael V. Gazzo, Perry Lang, Kim Hamilton, Nikki Swasey, Al Denavo, Gilbert Lewis, Chris Wallace, Robbie Epps, J.B. Williamson
(R)
Sunday, April 6, 2025
Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras (2003)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This shot-on-video mess somehow made it into national video rental chains decades ago, and I feel as cheated as many of its viewers probably did back then.
Way too many characters in Sedona, Arizona get involved in a series of chupacabra attacks, which are really caused by what can only be surmised as alien vampires (plot summary done!).
Half the picture, especially the climax, takes place in utter darkness, so I had no earthly idea what was happening. The performances are horrid, the special effects are laughable, the suspense is nonexistent, the casting is shocking, and the editing is terrible. Film maker Mumm should have stuck with the practical make-up effects, although there wasn't enough of that. Kudos for getting this made and distributed, but come on. One of the worst films you have never seen. Also known as "Rise of the Chupacabras" and "Blood of the Chupacabras," and followed by a sequel.
Stats:
(2003) 85 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Jonathan Mumm
-Cast: Dan Leis, Rachel Sense, Loren Taylor, Lenore Sebastian, Roberta Mumm, Elaine Benoit, Mark Halverson, Kim Pomales, Hugh McChord, Kevin Hale, Jim Lane, Michael James Bryant, Lu Ann Higgs
(Unrated)
This shot-on-video mess somehow made it into national video rental chains decades ago, and I feel as cheated as many of its viewers probably did back then.
Way too many characters in Sedona, Arizona get involved in a series of chupacabra attacks, which are really caused by what can only be surmised as alien vampires (plot summary done!).
Half the picture, especially the climax, takes place in utter darkness, so I had no earthly idea what was happening. The performances are horrid, the special effects are laughable, the suspense is nonexistent, the casting is shocking, and the editing is terrible. Film maker Mumm should have stuck with the practical make-up effects, although there wasn't enough of that. Kudos for getting this made and distributed, but come on. One of the worst films you have never seen. Also known as "Rise of the Chupacabras" and "Blood of the Chupacabras," and followed by a sequel.
Stats:
(2003) 85 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Jonathan Mumm
-Cast: Dan Leis, Rachel Sense, Loren Taylor, Lenore Sebastian, Roberta Mumm, Elaine Benoit, Mark Halverson, Kim Pomales, Hugh McChord, Kevin Hale, Jim Lane, Michael James Bryant, Lu Ann Higgs
(Unrated)
Racket Girls (1951)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This $1.98 production tells the story of one Peaches Page, an aspiring female wrestler whose two ginormous breasts give the best performance in the film.
Peaches Page, played by Peaches Page, has her wrestling contract bought by Scalli (Timothy Farrell), a shady promoter who uses his gymnasium for illegal gambling activities. Scalli owes local hood Mr. Big (Phil Bernard) thirty five large, and has Scalli's accountant Monk (Paul Martin) spy on Scalli. Peaches falls for the oily Scalli, ignoring the advice of former gal-du-jour Ruby (Muriel Gardner). Scalli is ordered to testify in front of a Senate committee, and threatens to expose Mr. Big, leading to a resolution- not a shocking resolution, but a resolution.
This plot and subplots are padded little stories that serve to fill in the gaps between female wrestling footage; and watching Page's peaches undulate as she jogs, jumps rope, and works out on a rowing machine. The wrestling matches are hilarious- stilted and rehearsed. Scalli and his creepy henchman Joe (Don Ferrara) get most of the screen time, making you wonder who the audience is supposed to cheer for. Real life wrestling champs Clara Mortensen and Rita Martinez pop in for some dialogue with Scalli, and the viewer realizes their best acting was done in the ring. The film is a technical nightmare. Actor Farrell is given a tiny desk to sit behind and run all his money-making scams. The background noises heard during the wrestling matches sound like they were recorded on an elementary school playground. No screenwriter is credited, it is assumed this was tossed together by the film's director/editor. The Senate investigative hearing, broadcast live on the radio, consists of one guy sitting in front of an American flag. The women working out at the gym look directly into the camera. If your fetish consists of black-and-white footage of doughy middle-aged women half-heartedly rolling around on a mat and pulling each other's hair, then here you go. Otherwise, this is an awful B-flick, easily forgotten. Also known under a ton of other titles- "The Blonde Pick-Up," "Pin Down Girls," and "Pin Down Girl," and possibly more. It did make for a hilarious "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episode.
Stats:
(1951) 70 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Robert C. Dertano
-Cast: Peaches Page, Timothy Farrell, Phil Bernard, Paul Martin, Muriel Gardner, Clara Mortensen, Rita Martinez, Don Ferrara, Matt Douglas, Paul Merton, Bruce Spencer, Tony Zarro, Mary Jean Walker
(Not Rated)
This $1.98 production tells the story of one Peaches Page, an aspiring female wrestler whose two ginormous breasts give the best performance in the film.
Peaches Page, played by Peaches Page, has her wrestling contract bought by Scalli (Timothy Farrell), a shady promoter who uses his gymnasium for illegal gambling activities. Scalli owes local hood Mr. Big (Phil Bernard) thirty five large, and has Scalli's accountant Monk (Paul Martin) spy on Scalli. Peaches falls for the oily Scalli, ignoring the advice of former gal-du-jour Ruby (Muriel Gardner). Scalli is ordered to testify in front of a Senate committee, and threatens to expose Mr. Big, leading to a resolution- not a shocking resolution, but a resolution.
This plot and subplots are padded little stories that serve to fill in the gaps between female wrestling footage; and watching Page's peaches undulate as she jogs, jumps rope, and works out on a rowing machine. The wrestling matches are hilarious- stilted and rehearsed. Scalli and his creepy henchman Joe (Don Ferrara) get most of the screen time, making you wonder who the audience is supposed to cheer for. Real life wrestling champs Clara Mortensen and Rita Martinez pop in for some dialogue with Scalli, and the viewer realizes their best acting was done in the ring. The film is a technical nightmare. Actor Farrell is given a tiny desk to sit behind and run all his money-making scams. The background noises heard during the wrestling matches sound like they were recorded on an elementary school playground. No screenwriter is credited, it is assumed this was tossed together by the film's director/editor. The Senate investigative hearing, broadcast live on the radio, consists of one guy sitting in front of an American flag. The women working out at the gym look directly into the camera. If your fetish consists of black-and-white footage of doughy middle-aged women half-heartedly rolling around on a mat and pulling each other's hair, then here you go. Otherwise, this is an awful B-flick, easily forgotten. Also known under a ton of other titles- "The Blonde Pick-Up," "Pin Down Girls," and "Pin Down Girl," and possibly more. It did make for a hilarious "Mystery Science Theater 3000" episode.
Stats:
(1951) 70 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Robert C. Dertano
-Cast: Peaches Page, Timothy Farrell, Phil Bernard, Paul Martin, Muriel Gardner, Clara Mortensen, Rita Martinez, Don Ferrara, Matt Douglas, Paul Merton, Bruce Spencer, Tony Zarro, Mary Jean Walker
(Not Rated)
Living Hell (2000)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Japanese director Shugo Fujii pays homage to his cinematic idols in this sometimes effective, and often slight, horror flick.
The opening scenes show a crazed older woman Chiyo (Yoshiko Shiraishi) and her granddaughter Yuki (Naoko Mori) feeding on a family pet before killing a man and wife. Yuki escapes, and Chiyo is sent to an insane asylum for a year before she vanishes, too. Cut to a normal Japanese suburban family: Father (Hitoshi Suwabe) works in another town, and only comes home on weekends to his three grown children: older brother Ken (Kazuo Yashiro), wheelchair bound middle son Yasu (Hirohito Honda), and cute as a bug's ear daughter Mami (Rumi). The family gets some new house guests in the form of Chiyo and Yuki, who claim to be distant relatives. Everyone is inconvenienced, especially Yasu once the stun gun torture begins.
I cannot delve any deeper into plot points because the twists are impossible to reveal, and sometimes comprehend. Fujii has written a strange concoction of Brian DePalma and Robert Aldrich's "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?," with shades of the original "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," but not a whole lot of it makes sense. The cast is very good, if not over the top, especially in the final scenes. I really enjoyed Koji Tabuchi's musical score, it reminded me of early John Carpenter. The film does run rather long, I think a trim would have helped the pacing and suspense. The lack of tension throughout the film is noticeable. Yasu's open mouthed reactions to some relatively tame stuff is unintentionally funny. I could not get a grasp on what Fujii was trying to do. Is this a suspenser along the lines of DePalma's "Sisters," or an out-and-out bloodbath? The film cannot make up its mind, and both sides of the question suffer. There is SOME suspense, and SOME blood, but nothing this jaded reviewer would find particularly scary or revolting.
Fujii's director's commentary is self-effacing and honest, when he was not happy with a shot or sequence, he says so. The film was shot and edited in about two weeks' time, and the budget was around $100,000. This amount would be a lot to any independent film maker, but I remember how expensive it was to live in Japan, and Fujii confirms that everything there is much more expensive than when he used to live and film in the States.
"Living Hell" is not a total failure. Fujii was definitely one to keep an eye on. Subversive Cinema wanted to bring a Criterion-type presentation to edgier fare, and I thought that was a spectacular idea- their company logo was the most memorable since MGM's lion first roared. I received a snarky email from the company after I posted this review decades ago on another site, thanking me for my "rave" review. I emailed back telling them to send a better film next time. They walked back the first email, I never heard from them again, and I think the company folded shortly thereafter.
Stats:
(2000) 104 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Cast: Hirohito Honda, Yoshiko Shiraishi, Rumi, Kazuo Yashiro, Naoko Mori, Shugo Fujii, Hitoshi Suwabe, Umitarou Nozaki, Noburo Mitani, Sei Hiraizumi
(R)
Japanese director Shugo Fujii pays homage to his cinematic idols in this sometimes effective, and often slight, horror flick.
The opening scenes show a crazed older woman Chiyo (Yoshiko Shiraishi) and her granddaughter Yuki (Naoko Mori) feeding on a family pet before killing a man and wife. Yuki escapes, and Chiyo is sent to an insane asylum for a year before she vanishes, too. Cut to a normal Japanese suburban family: Father (Hitoshi Suwabe) works in another town, and only comes home on weekends to his three grown children: older brother Ken (Kazuo Yashiro), wheelchair bound middle son Yasu (Hirohito Honda), and cute as a bug's ear daughter Mami (Rumi). The family gets some new house guests in the form of Chiyo and Yuki, who claim to be distant relatives. Everyone is inconvenienced, especially Yasu once the stun gun torture begins.
I cannot delve any deeper into plot points because the twists are impossible to reveal, and sometimes comprehend. Fujii has written a strange concoction of Brian DePalma and Robert Aldrich's "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?," with shades of the original "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," but not a whole lot of it makes sense. The cast is very good, if not over the top, especially in the final scenes. I really enjoyed Koji Tabuchi's musical score, it reminded me of early John Carpenter. The film does run rather long, I think a trim would have helped the pacing and suspense. The lack of tension throughout the film is noticeable. Yasu's open mouthed reactions to some relatively tame stuff is unintentionally funny. I could not get a grasp on what Fujii was trying to do. Is this a suspenser along the lines of DePalma's "Sisters," or an out-and-out bloodbath? The film cannot make up its mind, and both sides of the question suffer. There is SOME suspense, and SOME blood, but nothing this jaded reviewer would find particularly scary or revolting.
Fujii's director's commentary is self-effacing and honest, when he was not happy with a shot or sequence, he says so. The film was shot and edited in about two weeks' time, and the budget was around $100,000. This amount would be a lot to any independent film maker, but I remember how expensive it was to live in Japan, and Fujii confirms that everything there is much more expensive than when he used to live and film in the States.
"Living Hell" is not a total failure. Fujii was definitely one to keep an eye on. Subversive Cinema wanted to bring a Criterion-type presentation to edgier fare, and I thought that was a spectacular idea- their company logo was the most memorable since MGM's lion first roared. I received a snarky email from the company after I posted this review decades ago on another site, thanking me for my "rave" review. I emailed back telling them to send a better film next time. They walked back the first email, I never heard from them again, and I think the company folded shortly thereafter.
Stats:
(2000) 104 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Cast: Hirohito Honda, Yoshiko Shiraishi, Rumi, Kazuo Yashiro, Naoko Mori, Shugo Fujii, Hitoshi Suwabe, Umitarou Nozaki, Noburo Mitani, Sei Hiraizumi
(R)
Seesaw Game (1997)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
A man becomes obsessed with a woman he glimpses through a window, and becomes involved in a crime as soon as he invades her private life. While the film has plenty of visual interest, the story gets more convoluted as it goes on, and more weird. This would make an interesting character study if turned into a feature length film. Released as a bonus on the "Living Hell" DVD release.
Stats:
(1997) 29 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Cast: Masunobu Motokawa, Shugo Fujii, Wade Sheeler, Kirk Keller, Bear Hunt, Farzad Karimi, Paul O. Dunn, Chris Cowell, Lisa Christine, Zaheer Udin, Michael Hartzog, R.J. Feher
(Not Rated)
A man becomes obsessed with a woman he glimpses through a window, and becomes involved in a crime as soon as he invades her private life. While the film has plenty of visual interest, the story gets more convoluted as it goes on, and more weird. This would make an interesting character study if turned into a feature length film. Released as a bonus on the "Living Hell" DVD release.
Stats:
(1997) 29 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Cast: Masunobu Motokawa, Shugo Fujii, Wade Sheeler, Kirk Keller, Bear Hunt, Farzad Karimi, Paul O. Dunn, Chris Cowell, Lisa Christine, Zaheer Udin, Michael Hartzog, R.J. Feher
(Not Rated)
Grief (1994)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
A woman becomes obsessed with a man, and decides to off his inconvenient girlfriend. Yet another riff on all those "Fatal Attraction"/"The Crush" stalking obsession flicks, but for a few minutes I thought the stalker and the girlfriend were the same person- they look and dress alike. Released as a bonus on the "Living Hell" DVD release.
Stats:
(1994) 18 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Cast: Sean E. Wicks, Shoko Yokoyama, Liz Wade, Matthew Horvath, Emma Nagata
(Not Rated)
A woman becomes obsessed with a man, and decides to off his inconvenient girlfriend. Yet another riff on all those "Fatal Attraction"/"The Crush" stalking obsession flicks, but for a few minutes I thought the stalker and the girlfriend were the same person- they look and dress alike. Released as a bonus on the "Living Hell" DVD release.
Stats:
(1994) 18 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Cast: Sean E. Wicks, Shoko Yokoyama, Liz Wade, Matthew Horvath, Emma Nagata
(Not Rated)
Dead Money (2001)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Director Shugo Fujii shows up in this color short film, as a found briefcase full of cash and a claustrophobic elevator bring out the greedy conscience of a regular guy. This was more fun than Fujii's other short films, with some dark humor that works. Released as a bonus on the "Living Hell" DVD release, also known as "Kan-Kin."
Stats:
(2001) 20 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Screenplay by Shugo Fujii, Story by Shugo Fujii and Kurando Mitsutake
-Cast: Jun'ichi Ishida, Kazuo Yashiro, Bob Suzuki, Mitsuru Akaboshi, Shugo Fujii, Hitoshi Suwabe, Yuka Nomura
(Not Rated)
Director Shugo Fujii shows up in this color short film, as a found briefcase full of cash and a claustrophobic elevator bring out the greedy conscience of a regular guy. This was more fun than Fujii's other short films, with some dark humor that works. Released as a bonus on the "Living Hell" DVD release, also known as "Kan-Kin."
Stats:
(2001) 20 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Screenplay by Shugo Fujii, Story by Shugo Fujii and Kurando Mitsutake
-Cast: Jun'ichi Ishida, Kazuo Yashiro, Bob Suzuki, Mitsuru Akaboshi, Shugo Fujii, Hitoshi Suwabe, Yuka Nomura
(Not Rated)
Blackhole (1994)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This short black-and-white film has a mysterious stranger (Sutomu Sogo) coming between a happy couple (Emma Nagata, Taro Hiruma) with deadly consequences. The photography is gritty, the music sad and appropriate, but I wish the idea had been fleshed out more. Released as a bonus on the "Living Hell" DVD release.
Stats:
(1994) 14 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Cast: Emma Nagata, Taro Hiruma, Sutomu Sogo
(Not Rated)
This short black-and-white film has a mysterious stranger (Sutomu Sogo) coming between a happy couple (Emma Nagata, Taro Hiruma) with deadly consequences. The photography is gritty, the music sad and appropriate, but I wish the idea had been fleshed out more. Released as a bonus on the "Living Hell" DVD release.
Stats:
(1994) 14 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Shugo Fujii
-Cast: Emma Nagata, Taro Hiruma, Sutomu Sogo
(Not Rated)
Beneath the Veneer of a Murder (2010)
Get the book "Making it Big in Shorts: Shorter, Faster, Cheaper: The Ultimate Filmmaker's Guide to Short Films" by Kim Adelman on Amazon here*
Angel Connell returns, messing with his audience's minds and attention spans. This is a short film- seven and a half minutes short. The film opens with credits, and a phone conversation that eventually leads to a murder. I can't go into the specific details, but the film is so brief, you can watch it multiple times.
I watched "Beneath the Veneer of a Murder" twice. Background information on the film shows that Connell wants his audience to question what they see and hear in this era of bait-and-switch governing and news reporting. I cannot be the only one to get caught up in a news channel's ticker, and ignore the talking heads, and vice versa. Our government officials do this sort of thing all the time, catering to their base supporters, offering olive branches to the opposition, catering to the opposition, offering olive branches to the betrayed base. Connell does not show us this tactic on a big scale. He satisfies our base movie going needs- sex and violence through conversations and little onscreen action. The final conversation over the end credits is so outlandish, I laughed out loud. Connell comes through with technical proficiency yet again (with great editing by Christo Tsiaras) and is pointing out some big ideas. The film makes you think- is it really just about a small-time hood and a murder?
This is a great experiment in short film making, and I haven't been challenged this much since I saw the feature length "FrICTION" around the same time. Really good stuff, this would make an interesting double bill with Connell's "Stocking Stuffers," also featuring Scheiner and Scott Cashman.
Stats:
(2010) 8 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Angel Connell
-Cast: Christy Scott Cashman, Eric Scheiner, Mark Grant, Jennifer McCartney, Angel Connell
(Not Rated)
Angel Connell returns, messing with his audience's minds and attention spans. This is a short film- seven and a half minutes short. The film opens with credits, and a phone conversation that eventually leads to a murder. I can't go into the specific details, but the film is so brief, you can watch it multiple times.
I watched "Beneath the Veneer of a Murder" twice. Background information on the film shows that Connell wants his audience to question what they see and hear in this era of bait-and-switch governing and news reporting. I cannot be the only one to get caught up in a news channel's ticker, and ignore the talking heads, and vice versa. Our government officials do this sort of thing all the time, catering to their base supporters, offering olive branches to the opposition, catering to the opposition, offering olive branches to the betrayed base. Connell does not show us this tactic on a big scale. He satisfies our base movie going needs- sex and violence through conversations and little onscreen action. The final conversation over the end credits is so outlandish, I laughed out loud. Connell comes through with technical proficiency yet again (with great editing by Christo Tsiaras) and is pointing out some big ideas. The film makes you think- is it really just about a small-time hood and a murder?
This is a great experiment in short film making, and I haven't been challenged this much since I saw the feature length "FrICTION" around the same time. Really good stuff, this would make an interesting double bill with Connell's "Stocking Stuffers," also featuring Scheiner and Scott Cashman.
Stats:
(2010) 8 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Angel Connell
-Cast: Christy Scott Cashman, Eric Scheiner, Mark Grant, Jennifer McCartney, Angel Connell
(Not Rated)
Saturday, April 5, 2025
The Wackiest Ship in the Army (1960)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
In this WWII comedy, Jack Lemmon plays a Lt. Rip Crandall, who finally gets command of his own ship- a small sailboat with an inexperienced crew. Ensign Tommy Hanson (Rick Nelson) is his second in command, and the ship must sail. This lightweight comedy is not over-the-top hysterical, but not bad, either.
The breezy feel of the film is helped by an almost complete lack of plot. Crandall takes the boat through dangerous waters watched by the Japanese, picks up an Australian spy who tracks Japanese navy positions from the jungle, and sails him to the jungle. The ship is captured, and our heroes must try to escape. Aside from the Japanese, the only other conflict is between Crandall and the hard nosed Lt. Foster (Richard Anderson), who is ready to take over the sailboat. The film works mostly because of Lemmon. He is so good and so likable here, you forget little things like a romantic subplot that never pans out. Nelson even finds a chance to croon a song, giving us a break from the loud, unsubtle musical score.
Despite the title, most of the humor here is derived from the men's war situation- not anything terribly wacky happens. There are laughs, two running gags involve people knocking themselves on the head, and a funny one involving Crandall's quest for a decent cup of coffee. Another light moment that is not pounded into the ground- the men dress as natives, complete with grass skirts and coconut shell bras, to fool the enemy into thinking they are a local trading ship. The scene is funny without being racist and offensive. The suspense about the mission is often undermined by a reliance on stock footage to show battle scenes. This is a comedy, yet we are watching actual footage of war, and this is a little unsettling. When director Murphy is allowed to shoot his own action sequences, they work, especially the cruise through the mined harbor.
"The Wackiest Ship in The Army" spawned a television show, and that is about the level of the script. This is nothing that will change your life, but watching Lemmon's comic skills and good nature make this an enjoyable enough time filler. Followed by a TV series.
Stats:
(1960) 99 min. (* * * 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Richard Murphy
-Screenplay by Richard Murphy, Screen Story by Herb Margolis & William Raynor, Story by Herbert Carlson
-Cast: Jack Lemmon, Rick Nelson, Richard Anderson, John Lund, Chips Rafferty, Tom Tully, Joby Baker, Warren Berlinger, Patricia Driscoll, Mike Kellin, Alvy Moore, Joseph Gallison, Teru Shimada
(Not Rated)
In this WWII comedy, Jack Lemmon plays a Lt. Rip Crandall, who finally gets command of his own ship- a small sailboat with an inexperienced crew. Ensign Tommy Hanson (Rick Nelson) is his second in command, and the ship must sail. This lightweight comedy is not over-the-top hysterical, but not bad, either.
The breezy feel of the film is helped by an almost complete lack of plot. Crandall takes the boat through dangerous waters watched by the Japanese, picks up an Australian spy who tracks Japanese navy positions from the jungle, and sails him to the jungle. The ship is captured, and our heroes must try to escape. Aside from the Japanese, the only other conflict is between Crandall and the hard nosed Lt. Foster (Richard Anderson), who is ready to take over the sailboat. The film works mostly because of Lemmon. He is so good and so likable here, you forget little things like a romantic subplot that never pans out. Nelson even finds a chance to croon a song, giving us a break from the loud, unsubtle musical score.
Despite the title, most of the humor here is derived from the men's war situation- not anything terribly wacky happens. There are laughs, two running gags involve people knocking themselves on the head, and a funny one involving Crandall's quest for a decent cup of coffee. Another light moment that is not pounded into the ground- the men dress as natives, complete with grass skirts and coconut shell bras, to fool the enemy into thinking they are a local trading ship. The scene is funny without being racist and offensive. The suspense about the mission is often undermined by a reliance on stock footage to show battle scenes. This is a comedy, yet we are watching actual footage of war, and this is a little unsettling. When director Murphy is allowed to shoot his own action sequences, they work, especially the cruise through the mined harbor.
"The Wackiest Ship in The Army" spawned a television show, and that is about the level of the script. This is nothing that will change your life, but watching Lemmon's comic skills and good nature make this an enjoyable enough time filler. Followed by a TV series.
Stats:
(1960) 99 min. (* * * 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Richard Murphy
-Screenplay by Richard Murphy, Screen Story by Herb Margolis & William Raynor, Story by Herbert Carlson
-Cast: Jack Lemmon, Rick Nelson, Richard Anderson, John Lund, Chips Rafferty, Tom Tully, Joby Baker, Warren Berlinger, Patricia Driscoll, Mike Kellin, Alvy Moore, Joseph Gallison, Teru Shimada
(Not Rated)
The Wackiest Wagon Train in the West (1976)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
To grasp the full awfulness of this western comedy, you could watch the "film," or hunker down with any four episodes of "Gilligan's Island." Either way- zero laughs.
"The Wackiest Wagon Train in the West" is four episodes of the short-lived series "Dusty's Trail" edited together. What was "Dusty's Trail?" Think of it as "Gilligan's Island" out west. Dusty (Bob Denver) is Gilligan, Wagonmaster Callahan (Forrest Tucker) is the Skipper, dance hall girl Lulu (Jeannine Riley, who keeps attempting a Mae West impression and failing miserably) is Ginger, schoolmarm Betsy (Lori Saunders) is Mary Ann, the rich Brookhavens (Ivor Francis and Lynn Wood) are the Howells, and the bland Andy (William Cort) is the Professor. You have probably read this exact same comparison in other reviews, but I thought I was being brilliant when I figured it out. I now realize my toddler could have come to the same conclusion while taking a nap.
The four episodes have little in common, let alone enough to string together into a "movie." The wagon train is captured by Indians after they save the chief's son; Dusty is brought up on horse theft charges after he finds an Appaloosa; Dusty and Callahan dress like women to fool some lonely criminals; and three outlaws take over a town where the wagon train has stopped. The running joke is that the wagon train consists of one stagecoach and one wagon, and they are hopelessly lost. The middle two episodes rely very heavily on unconvincing indoor sets that look suspiciously like a certain tropical island set. Callahan calls the terminal screw-up Dusty "lil' pal" instead of "little buddy." The "film" credits four directors, five writers, and less laughs than a Holocaust film festival. The DVD is in public domain, easily attainable in your local dollar store.
Fight the urge, and avoid "The Wackiest Wagon Train in the West."
Stats:
(1976) 86 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jack Arnold, Earl Bellamy, Bruce Bilson, Oscar Rudolph
-Written by Sherwood Schwartz & Elroy Schwartz & Brad Radnitz & Howard Ostroff & Ron Friedman
-Cast: Bob Denver, Forrest Tucker, Jeannine Riley, Lori Saunders, Ivor Francis, Lynn Wood, William Cort, Eddie Little Sky, Don 'Red' Barry, Buck Young, James Gammon, Ernest Esparza III, Dennis Fimple
(G)
To grasp the full awfulness of this western comedy, you could watch the "film," or hunker down with any four episodes of "Gilligan's Island." Either way- zero laughs.
"The Wackiest Wagon Train in the West" is four episodes of the short-lived series "Dusty's Trail" edited together. What was "Dusty's Trail?" Think of it as "Gilligan's Island" out west. Dusty (Bob Denver) is Gilligan, Wagonmaster Callahan (Forrest Tucker) is the Skipper, dance hall girl Lulu (Jeannine Riley, who keeps attempting a Mae West impression and failing miserably) is Ginger, schoolmarm Betsy (Lori Saunders) is Mary Ann, the rich Brookhavens (Ivor Francis and Lynn Wood) are the Howells, and the bland Andy (William Cort) is the Professor. You have probably read this exact same comparison in other reviews, but I thought I was being brilliant when I figured it out. I now realize my toddler could have come to the same conclusion while taking a nap.
The four episodes have little in common, let alone enough to string together into a "movie." The wagon train is captured by Indians after they save the chief's son; Dusty is brought up on horse theft charges after he finds an Appaloosa; Dusty and Callahan dress like women to fool some lonely criminals; and three outlaws take over a town where the wagon train has stopped. The running joke is that the wagon train consists of one stagecoach and one wagon, and they are hopelessly lost. The middle two episodes rely very heavily on unconvincing indoor sets that look suspiciously like a certain tropical island set. Callahan calls the terminal screw-up Dusty "lil' pal" instead of "little buddy." The "film" credits four directors, five writers, and less laughs than a Holocaust film festival. The DVD is in public domain, easily attainable in your local dollar store.
Fight the urge, and avoid "The Wackiest Wagon Train in the West."
Stats:
(1976) 86 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jack Arnold, Earl Bellamy, Bruce Bilson, Oscar Rudolph
-Written by Sherwood Schwartz & Elroy Schwartz & Brad Radnitz & Howard Ostroff & Ron Friedman
-Cast: Bob Denver, Forrest Tucker, Jeannine Riley, Lori Saunders, Ivor Francis, Lynn Wood, William Cort, Eddie Little Sky, Don 'Red' Barry, Buck Young, James Gammon, Ernest Esparza III, Dennis Fimple
(G)
Warrior Queen (1987)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This godawful nightmare goes down in my personal cinematic history as one of the worst films I have ever seen.
Sybil Danning is Queen Berenice, who according to the plot summary, moves amongst the royalty in ancient Pompeii, secretly helping slaves escape from their masters. She is kowtowed to by Clodius (Donald Pleasence, hamming it up for that sweet payday), but in all actuality she doesn't really "help" any of the slaves escape thanks to the local volcano and an absolute buttload of stock footage.
Coming from director Chuck Vincent, and featuring an adult film star (Samantha Fox, who gives an okay performance), a certain level of cheesiness could be expected, but the film makers don't take advantage of their Italian locations, and don't seem to be trying to make a coherent film. This is a shortened 69 minute version (which feels twice as long), and I don't want to hunt down the 79 minutes director's cut anytime soon. At one point, Danning is yawning at Pleasence's efforts to impress her, and I thought maybe she was viewing a rough cut of the film to get her somnambulist reaction. Like Pleasence, she shows up for the check, delivering a handful of lines and taking part in embarrassingly staged fights. Watch out for bouncing boulders and smoke machines...
Stats:
(1987) 69 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Chuck Vincent
-Screenplay by Rick Marx, Original Story by Harry Alan Towers
-Cast: Sybil Danning, Donald Pleasence, Samantha Fox, Rick Hill, Josephine Jacqueline Jones, Tally Chanel, Suzanna Smith, David Brandon, Mario Cruciani, Marco Tullio Cau
(R)
This godawful nightmare goes down in my personal cinematic history as one of the worst films I have ever seen.
Sybil Danning is Queen Berenice, who according to the plot summary, moves amongst the royalty in ancient Pompeii, secretly helping slaves escape from their masters. She is kowtowed to by Clodius (Donald Pleasence, hamming it up for that sweet payday), but in all actuality she doesn't really "help" any of the slaves escape thanks to the local volcano and an absolute buttload of stock footage.
Coming from director Chuck Vincent, and featuring an adult film star (Samantha Fox, who gives an okay performance), a certain level of cheesiness could be expected, but the film makers don't take advantage of their Italian locations, and don't seem to be trying to make a coherent film. This is a shortened 69 minute version (which feels twice as long), and I don't want to hunt down the 79 minutes director's cut anytime soon. At one point, Danning is yawning at Pleasence's efforts to impress her, and I thought maybe she was viewing a rough cut of the film to get her somnambulist reaction. Like Pleasence, she shows up for the check, delivering a handful of lines and taking part in embarrassingly staged fights. Watch out for bouncing boulders and smoke machines...
Stats:
(1987) 69 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Chuck Vincent
-Screenplay by Rick Marx, Original Story by Harry Alan Towers
-Cast: Sybil Danning, Donald Pleasence, Samantha Fox, Rick Hill, Josephine Jacqueline Jones, Tally Chanel, Suzanna Smith, David Brandon, Mario Cruciani, Marco Tullio Cau
(R)
Way of the Puck (2006)
*Watch the film on Amazon Prime here*
Ever since "The King of Kong" was released, documentaries about passionate people participating in niche gaming tournaments or odd hobbies have come out of the woodwork: fooseball, air guitar, Olympic pin collecting, even rock-paper-scissors (which inspired the very funny mockumentary "The Flying Scissors"). Along comes "Way of the Puck," and like any supreme mainstream sports film, the viewer will find themselves sucked right in.
Shot by Eric D. Anderson, the film centers around four players who love air hockey, the game of plastic pucks and mallets played on a table dotted with tiny air holes so the puck can slightly levitate. Mark is the guru of the game. His father was an executive in the gaming business, and Mark took his love of air hockey and made the sport his life's work. He never married, and has a huge archive of material from almost three decades of competition. Tim is a clinical psychologist who was the young whippersnapper champion back in the day. He still competes, but also has a wife and kids, and must face the reality of life. Poor Andy is an artist and has been competing for years, although he has never won a tournament. His visibly disapproving wife Anna isn't very supportive, but Andy keeps plugging away, organizing tournaments and chasing that elusive first place trophy. Michael is the almost-villainous commissioner of a rival air hockey league. He wants to make money at the venture, and still competes in tournaments trying to drum up attention to the sport. The viewer will quickly realize Michael also loves the game, and his fresh ideas might work since not much else has. Anderson follows these four men through a few months in their air hockey lives, culminating with a big world championship tournament in Chicago. The suspense leading up to the event is real, and I found myself glued to the screen.
Although the films starts as a confused mish-mash of names and faces, Anderson quickly turns to his four subjects, and the film settles down a bit. These guys are achingly normal, and I found myself sympathizing with them immediately. They aren't pitiful by any stretch of the imagination; their love for the table game is genuine and a pleasure to watch. Many scenes stand out, especially the history of how air hockey was invented, told by half a dozen different people, and the intense Venezuelan contingent that briefly took the tournaments by storm. Anderson's pacing is almost as fast as the game, but even if you have never seen an air hockey table before, you'll enjoy this film. The musical score credited to Aaron Solomon, Brian Hawlk, and The Santiago Steps, is dead-on, and the use of archival and stock footage is perfect. I found all four men simply fascinating, and it was fun to have a philosopher put all of this into cosmic perspective.
If documentaries like "The King of Kong" and "Way of the Puck" are going to keep coming out, and be this good, then keep them coming. Praise the table!
Stats:
(2006) 81 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Eric D. Anderson
-Featuring Mark Robbins, Michael Rosen, Tim Weissman, Andrew P.C. Yevish, Lou Marinoff
(Not Rated)
Ever since "The King of Kong" was released, documentaries about passionate people participating in niche gaming tournaments or odd hobbies have come out of the woodwork: fooseball, air guitar, Olympic pin collecting, even rock-paper-scissors (which inspired the very funny mockumentary "The Flying Scissors"). Along comes "Way of the Puck," and like any supreme mainstream sports film, the viewer will find themselves sucked right in.
Shot by Eric D. Anderson, the film centers around four players who love air hockey, the game of plastic pucks and mallets played on a table dotted with tiny air holes so the puck can slightly levitate. Mark is the guru of the game. His father was an executive in the gaming business, and Mark took his love of air hockey and made the sport his life's work. He never married, and has a huge archive of material from almost three decades of competition. Tim is a clinical psychologist who was the young whippersnapper champion back in the day. He still competes, but also has a wife and kids, and must face the reality of life. Poor Andy is an artist and has been competing for years, although he has never won a tournament. His visibly disapproving wife Anna isn't very supportive, but Andy keeps plugging away, organizing tournaments and chasing that elusive first place trophy. Michael is the almost-villainous commissioner of a rival air hockey league. He wants to make money at the venture, and still competes in tournaments trying to drum up attention to the sport. The viewer will quickly realize Michael also loves the game, and his fresh ideas might work since not much else has. Anderson follows these four men through a few months in their air hockey lives, culminating with a big world championship tournament in Chicago. The suspense leading up to the event is real, and I found myself glued to the screen.
Although the films starts as a confused mish-mash of names and faces, Anderson quickly turns to his four subjects, and the film settles down a bit. These guys are achingly normal, and I found myself sympathizing with them immediately. They aren't pitiful by any stretch of the imagination; their love for the table game is genuine and a pleasure to watch. Many scenes stand out, especially the history of how air hockey was invented, told by half a dozen different people, and the intense Venezuelan contingent that briefly took the tournaments by storm. Anderson's pacing is almost as fast as the game, but even if you have never seen an air hockey table before, you'll enjoy this film. The musical score credited to Aaron Solomon, Brian Hawlk, and The Santiago Steps, is dead-on, and the use of archival and stock footage is perfect. I found all four men simply fascinating, and it was fun to have a philosopher put all of this into cosmic perspective.
If documentaries like "The King of Kong" and "Way of the Puck" are going to keep coming out, and be this good, then keep them coming. Praise the table!
Stats:
(2006) 81 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Eric D. Anderson
-Featuring Mark Robbins, Michael Rosen, Tim Weissman, Andrew P.C. Yevish, Lou Marinoff
(Not Rated)
The Werewolf Reborn! (1998)
*Watch the film on Amazon Prime here*
Charles Band of Full Moon Entertainment creates and executive produces the second of a proposed series of twelve films resurrecting great monsters of the past. The films were so bad, he only was able to get two made.
With a story that is a carbon copy of "Frankenstein Reborn," young and cute Eleanor (Ashley Tesoro) goes to Romania to visit her Uncle Peter (Robin Atkin Downes) while her parents are at a diplomatic conference. Everyone in the village hates Peter. Eleanor finds out it is because he turns into a werewolf every time the poorly rendered moon special effect is full. The villagers, led by Inspector Krol (Len Lesser), finally arrest Peter and toss him in jail, despite Eleanor's warnings that Peter will change again. A local gypsy boy (Bogdan Cambera) and his grandmother (Lucia Maier) get Eleanor the much needed gun and silver bullets, but Eleanor cannot bring herself to shoot her uncle.
As with "Frankenstein Reborn," "The Werewolf Reborn" has an "approximate" running time on the video cassette of seventy minutes. This running time includes previews for other films, plus a "making of" documentary for both films. Take these padding extras away and the film runs less than an hour. Charles Band wanted to create a new film series along the lines of "Goosebumps," and commissioned screenplays. This film sucks. Jeff Burr is a genre director who has done good work in the past, but here I firmly believe he was given a buck fifty and twenty-four hours to shoot this thing. Burr tries to make things interesting, but overuses shots involving mirrors (you see? werewolves are like dual personalities! brilliant!), and I even saw a boom microphone in one jail scene. The cast, for what it is worth, is okay. Tesoro can cry at all the right times. Downes growls at all the right times. Len Lesser reminds you that he played Uncle Leon on "Seinfeld" at all the wrong times. The screenplay is a joke. It dumbs down the werewolf story for kids. The band of angry villagers see the werewolf kill in the night, yet still do not believe Eleanor's warnings that her uncle is going to change. If they do not believe her, then why does everyone hate Peter? Krol blames Eleanor's predictions on too much television. Do you remember "The Naked Gun"? In one funny fight scene, a pillow is thrown at Frank Drebin, and he wrestles with it like his life depended on it. Here, werewolf Peter has a blanket thrown over his head, and wrestles with it long enough for Eleanor to get away. Oh, and don't worry, I have not spoiled the film for you. The fact that Peter is the werewolf is no secret. This film is so brief there are no mysteries, or laughs, or suspense, or gore, or good things.
"The Werewolf Reborn!" is another victim of Full Moon Entertainment's backward film making. The company gets an "original idea" from Band, comes up with cool posters, schedules to shoot everything at its studio in Romania, then shirks the viewer when it comes to the screenplay and direction. Full Moon Entertainment used to put out goofy but sometimes entertaining straight-to-video stuff, but Band finally bit off more than he could chew.
Stats:
(1998) 60 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jeff Burr
-Written by Neal Marshall Stevens
-Cast: Ashley Tesoro, Robin Atkin Downes, Les Lesser, Bogdan Cambera, Lucia Maier
(PG)
Charles Band of Full Moon Entertainment creates and executive produces the second of a proposed series of twelve films resurrecting great monsters of the past. The films were so bad, he only was able to get two made.
With a story that is a carbon copy of "Frankenstein Reborn," young and cute Eleanor (Ashley Tesoro) goes to Romania to visit her Uncle Peter (Robin Atkin Downes) while her parents are at a diplomatic conference. Everyone in the village hates Peter. Eleanor finds out it is because he turns into a werewolf every time the poorly rendered moon special effect is full. The villagers, led by Inspector Krol (Len Lesser), finally arrest Peter and toss him in jail, despite Eleanor's warnings that Peter will change again. A local gypsy boy (Bogdan Cambera) and his grandmother (Lucia Maier) get Eleanor the much needed gun and silver bullets, but Eleanor cannot bring herself to shoot her uncle.
As with "Frankenstein Reborn," "The Werewolf Reborn" has an "approximate" running time on the video cassette of seventy minutes. This running time includes previews for other films, plus a "making of" documentary for both films. Take these padding extras away and the film runs less than an hour. Charles Band wanted to create a new film series along the lines of "Goosebumps," and commissioned screenplays. This film sucks. Jeff Burr is a genre director who has done good work in the past, but here I firmly believe he was given a buck fifty and twenty-four hours to shoot this thing. Burr tries to make things interesting, but overuses shots involving mirrors (you see? werewolves are like dual personalities! brilliant!), and I even saw a boom microphone in one jail scene. The cast, for what it is worth, is okay. Tesoro can cry at all the right times. Downes growls at all the right times. Len Lesser reminds you that he played Uncle Leon on "Seinfeld" at all the wrong times. The screenplay is a joke. It dumbs down the werewolf story for kids. The band of angry villagers see the werewolf kill in the night, yet still do not believe Eleanor's warnings that her uncle is going to change. If they do not believe her, then why does everyone hate Peter? Krol blames Eleanor's predictions on too much television. Do you remember "The Naked Gun"? In one funny fight scene, a pillow is thrown at Frank Drebin, and he wrestles with it like his life depended on it. Here, werewolf Peter has a blanket thrown over his head, and wrestles with it long enough for Eleanor to get away. Oh, and don't worry, I have not spoiled the film for you. The fact that Peter is the werewolf is no secret. This film is so brief there are no mysteries, or laughs, or suspense, or gore, or good things.
"The Werewolf Reborn!" is another victim of Full Moon Entertainment's backward film making. The company gets an "original idea" from Band, comes up with cool posters, schedules to shoot everything at its studio in Romania, then shirks the viewer when it comes to the screenplay and direction. Full Moon Entertainment used to put out goofy but sometimes entertaining straight-to-video stuff, but Band finally bit off more than he could chew.
Stats:
(1998) 60 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jeff Burr
-Written by Neal Marshall Stevens
-Cast: Ashley Tesoro, Robin Atkin Downes, Les Lesser, Bogdan Cambera, Lucia Maier
(PG)
Thursday, April 3, 2025
West Side Story (1961)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This overrated classic musical lifts Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" storyline, and muddles it with a cold romance and street gangs that were dated even at the film's world premiere.
Riff (Russ Tamblyn) is the leader of the Jets, who are constantly having run-ins with Bernardo's (George Chakiris) Puerto Rican gang, the Sharks. Planes and fish don't mix, and things come to a head when the gangs are at a dance and Bernardo's sister Maria (Natalie Wood) meets the Jets' cofounder and Riff's best friend, Tony (Richard Beymer). Tony is trying to clean up his act, backing away from all the street dancing, but he is immediately smitten with Maria. A Jet and a Shark cannot be lovers, and since no one in the film has read "Romeo and Juliet," no one knows what will happen. Eventually, the film does ape Shakespeare, partially.
The positives are what made the film a classic. The songs are excellent, using Stephen Sondheim's lyrics to carry the emotions of the characters. The dancing and ballet choreography is superb. It may seem silly to have street gangs dance-fighting, but the pure athleticism on the part of the dancers is fantastic. Rarely have dance numbers been so physical, and so grand.
On the downside, the main romance takes place way too quickly. This is quicker than a whirlwind romance, this is a tornado wrapped in a cyclone being blown by a wind machine. The speed of the relationship, a day, takes any sympathy for Tony and Maria away from the viewer. Leonard Bernstein's music is good in the songs, but not as incidental background noise. He thinks he is scoring a bombastic Broadway song even in quiet moments. The pacing is a little slow, as this marked the beginning of the two and a half hour widescreen musical genre that spawned such bloated cinematic drivel as "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," "Paint Your Wagon," and "Doctor Doolittle."
"West Side Story" is not a perfect classic, and not a dud. It is squarely in the middle of the spectrum. If anything troubles the viewer, it is wondering how this film beat out "Judgement at Nuremburg" for the Best Picture Oscar. Followed by a remake.
Stats:
(1961) 153 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jerome Robbins, Robert Wise
-Screenplay by Ernest Lehman, Book by Arthur Laurents, Play by Jerome Robbins
-Cast: Natalie Wood, Richard Beymer, Russ Tamblyn, George Chakiris, Rita Moreno, Simon Oakland, Ned Glass, William Bramley, Tucker Smith, Tony Mordente, David Winters, Eliot Feld, Bert Michaels
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Picture (won)
-Best Supporting Actor- George Chakiris (won)
-Best Supporting Actress- Rita Moreno (won)
-Best Director (won)
-Best Adapted Screenplay (lost to "Judgment at Nuremburg")
-Best Cinematography- Color (won)
-Best Art Direction-Set Decoration- Color (won)
-Best Costume Design- Color (won)
-Best Sound (won)
-Best Film Editing (won)
-Best Music, Scoring of a Musical (won)
*BAFTA*
-Best Film from Any Source (lost to "Lawrence of Arabia")
This overrated classic musical lifts Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" storyline, and muddles it with a cold romance and street gangs that were dated even at the film's world premiere.
Riff (Russ Tamblyn) is the leader of the Jets, who are constantly having run-ins with Bernardo's (George Chakiris) Puerto Rican gang, the Sharks. Planes and fish don't mix, and things come to a head when the gangs are at a dance and Bernardo's sister Maria (Natalie Wood) meets the Jets' cofounder and Riff's best friend, Tony (Richard Beymer). Tony is trying to clean up his act, backing away from all the street dancing, but he is immediately smitten with Maria. A Jet and a Shark cannot be lovers, and since no one in the film has read "Romeo and Juliet," no one knows what will happen. Eventually, the film does ape Shakespeare, partially.
The positives are what made the film a classic. The songs are excellent, using Stephen Sondheim's lyrics to carry the emotions of the characters. The dancing and ballet choreography is superb. It may seem silly to have street gangs dance-fighting, but the pure athleticism on the part of the dancers is fantastic. Rarely have dance numbers been so physical, and so grand.
On the downside, the main romance takes place way too quickly. This is quicker than a whirlwind romance, this is a tornado wrapped in a cyclone being blown by a wind machine. The speed of the relationship, a day, takes any sympathy for Tony and Maria away from the viewer. Leonard Bernstein's music is good in the songs, but not as incidental background noise. He thinks he is scoring a bombastic Broadway song even in quiet moments. The pacing is a little slow, as this marked the beginning of the two and a half hour widescreen musical genre that spawned such bloated cinematic drivel as "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," "Paint Your Wagon," and "Doctor Doolittle."
"West Side Story" is not a perfect classic, and not a dud. It is squarely in the middle of the spectrum. If anything troubles the viewer, it is wondering how this film beat out "Judgement at Nuremburg" for the Best Picture Oscar. Followed by a remake.
Stats:
(1961) 153 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jerome Robbins, Robert Wise
-Screenplay by Ernest Lehman, Book by Arthur Laurents, Play by Jerome Robbins
-Cast: Natalie Wood, Richard Beymer, Russ Tamblyn, George Chakiris, Rita Moreno, Simon Oakland, Ned Glass, William Bramley, Tucker Smith, Tony Mordente, David Winters, Eliot Feld, Bert Michaels
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Picture (won)
-Best Supporting Actor- George Chakiris (won)
-Best Supporting Actress- Rita Moreno (won)
-Best Director (won)
-Best Adapted Screenplay (lost to "Judgment at Nuremburg")
-Best Cinematography- Color (won)
-Best Art Direction-Set Decoration- Color (won)
-Best Costume Design- Color (won)
-Best Sound (won)
-Best Film Editing (won)
-Best Music, Scoring of a Musical (won)
*BAFTA*
-Best Film from Any Source (lost to "Lawrence of Arabia")
Whatever Makes You Happy (2010)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Hollywood romances are a dime a dozen, but this independent drama, loosely based on "Anna Karenina," is about normal characters in a new loving relationship- and it's a refreshing change of pace.
Anna (Rachel Delante) is a graduate student living with her boyfriend Kevin (Jon Miquel) in Boston. Their relationship is mundane, neither happy nor sad. Anna's brother Steve (Jason Lane Fenton) is in a relationship with her best friend Donna (Kerri Patterson). The bickering couple are not very inspirational to anyone they come in contact with. Anna meets musician Alex (Tyler Peck), and the sparks fly. Anna hesitates before finally pursuing a clandestine affair with Alex, and both of their lives begin to be affected, as well as their relationships with friends and family.
A.T. Sayre has gone the micro-budget route to get his story told, and the viewer is better for it. Floors creak, there are no "sets"- apartments are small and cramped, and the cast is not decked out in designer clothes or driving sparkling automobiles. This lends gravitas and realism to Sayre's plot, and held my interest. The first forty minutes of the film are a mess, full of peripheral characters and some life minutiae that bored me silly, but once Alex and Anna meet and begin their relationship, Sayre gets down to business and I was engaged. Delante and Peck are very natural, and make Anna and Alex seem natural together. I liked their scenes together. The rest of the supporting cast is very good, from Anna's circle of friends- Miguel has a fantastic scene confronting Anna and Alex, to Alex's increasingly ticked-off bandmates. The title of the film hints at a selfishness Anna and Alex are falling victim to, but I never disliked them or their affair.
"Whatever Makes You Happy" has a few hiccups here and there, but it is a solid effort.
Stats:
(2010) 120 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by A.T. Sayre
-Cast: Rachel Delante, Tyler Peck, Jon Miquel, Jason Lane Fenton, Kerri Patterson, Jamie Renee Smith, Kachina Dechert, Phil Berry, Vanessa Leigh, Irina Peligrad, Dana Jay Bein, Mike Hastings, Casey Preston
(Not Rated)
Hollywood romances are a dime a dozen, but this independent drama, loosely based on "Anna Karenina," is about normal characters in a new loving relationship- and it's a refreshing change of pace.
Anna (Rachel Delante) is a graduate student living with her boyfriend Kevin (Jon Miquel) in Boston. Their relationship is mundane, neither happy nor sad. Anna's brother Steve (Jason Lane Fenton) is in a relationship with her best friend Donna (Kerri Patterson). The bickering couple are not very inspirational to anyone they come in contact with. Anna meets musician Alex (Tyler Peck), and the sparks fly. Anna hesitates before finally pursuing a clandestine affair with Alex, and both of their lives begin to be affected, as well as their relationships with friends and family.
A.T. Sayre has gone the micro-budget route to get his story told, and the viewer is better for it. Floors creak, there are no "sets"- apartments are small and cramped, and the cast is not decked out in designer clothes or driving sparkling automobiles. This lends gravitas and realism to Sayre's plot, and held my interest. The first forty minutes of the film are a mess, full of peripheral characters and some life minutiae that bored me silly, but once Alex and Anna meet and begin their relationship, Sayre gets down to business and I was engaged. Delante and Peck are very natural, and make Anna and Alex seem natural together. I liked their scenes together. The rest of the supporting cast is very good, from Anna's circle of friends- Miguel has a fantastic scene confronting Anna and Alex, to Alex's increasingly ticked-off bandmates. The title of the film hints at a selfishness Anna and Alex are falling victim to, but I never disliked them or their affair.
"Whatever Makes You Happy" has a few hiccups here and there, but it is a solid effort.
Stats:
(2010) 120 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by A.T. Sayre
-Cast: Rachel Delante, Tyler Peck, Jon Miquel, Jason Lane Fenton, Kerri Patterson, Jamie Renee Smith, Kachina Dechert, Phil Berry, Vanessa Leigh, Irina Peligrad, Dana Jay Bein, Mike Hastings, Casey Preston
(Not Rated)
Wednesday, April 2, 2025
What Planet Are You From? (2000)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Gary Shandling co-writes, co-produces, and stars in a comedy that plays like a pilot for a pay channel series.
Shandling is Harold, an alien on a planet of men run by Graydon (Ben Kingsley). The men want conquer Earth, and send Harold down to impregnate a woman, and eventually take over the planet with alien seed. Harold's training was not adequate, and his first attempts at getting any woman he meets into bed are hilarious. Harold works at a bank with Perry (Greg Kinnear), who is always on the prowl when he is not in the vault with the office manager. Perry takes Harold to Alcoholics Anonymous to pick up chicks, and Harold notices Susan (Annette Bening), a recovering alcoholic who made some bad decisions in her life and is looking to for a complete change. She appreciates Harold's honesty, eventually marries him, and they start trying to have a baby right away. Roland (John Goodman) is an FAA inspector who is investigating mysterious turbulence and lights on assorted Arizona flights. Each time, one of the passengers has been Harold. Harold is supposed to father a child, but he finds himself falling in love with Susan, given his limited understanding of emotions. Harold becomes overly involved in his assignment on Earth. He tries to bed back-stabbing Perry's wife Helen (a seriously wasted Linda Fiorentino). Perry gets a promotion after passing off Harold's work as his own, Roland is closing in on him quickly, and Susan finally conceives.
Mike Nichols directs a big name cast in a sitcom-level script, with four credited screenwriters. There is enough nudity and language to get this on any pay cable channel, but if you replaced Shandling and Bening with a cast twenty years younger, you quickly realize how pedestrian and lowbrow the humor here is. Bening scores some laughs as the worrying Susan, Shandling is funny here and there, but everyone puts more acting effort into the film than the script demands. The film nosedives into maudlin territory as Harold tries to return to his home planet. The cast's intensity is all wrong. Nichols' direction is fine, the man pretty much reinvented comedy direction with "The Graduate" but the script screams for a director with a lighter touch.
"What Planet Are You From?" has the talent in front of and behind the camera, just not in the screenplay. It scores some laughs but eventually this misses its satirical possibilities.
Stats:
(2000) 105 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Mike Nichols
-Screenplay by Gary Shandling & Michael Leeson and Ed Solomon and Peter Tolan, Story by Gary Shandling & Michael Leeson
-Cast: Gary Shandling, Annette Bening, Ben Kingsley, Linda Fiorentino, John Goodman, Greg Kinnear, Judy Greer, Richard Jenkins, Camryn Manheim, Jane Lynch, Nora Dunn, Danny Zorn, Harmony Smith
(R)
Gary Shandling co-writes, co-produces, and stars in a comedy that plays like a pilot for a pay channel series.
Shandling is Harold, an alien on a planet of men run by Graydon (Ben Kingsley). The men want conquer Earth, and send Harold down to impregnate a woman, and eventually take over the planet with alien seed. Harold's training was not adequate, and his first attempts at getting any woman he meets into bed are hilarious. Harold works at a bank with Perry (Greg Kinnear), who is always on the prowl when he is not in the vault with the office manager. Perry takes Harold to Alcoholics Anonymous to pick up chicks, and Harold notices Susan (Annette Bening), a recovering alcoholic who made some bad decisions in her life and is looking to for a complete change. She appreciates Harold's honesty, eventually marries him, and they start trying to have a baby right away. Roland (John Goodman) is an FAA inspector who is investigating mysterious turbulence and lights on assorted Arizona flights. Each time, one of the passengers has been Harold. Harold is supposed to father a child, but he finds himself falling in love with Susan, given his limited understanding of emotions. Harold becomes overly involved in his assignment on Earth. He tries to bed back-stabbing Perry's wife Helen (a seriously wasted Linda Fiorentino). Perry gets a promotion after passing off Harold's work as his own, Roland is closing in on him quickly, and Susan finally conceives.
Mike Nichols directs a big name cast in a sitcom-level script, with four credited screenwriters. There is enough nudity and language to get this on any pay cable channel, but if you replaced Shandling and Bening with a cast twenty years younger, you quickly realize how pedestrian and lowbrow the humor here is. Bening scores some laughs as the worrying Susan, Shandling is funny here and there, but everyone puts more acting effort into the film than the script demands. The film nosedives into maudlin territory as Harold tries to return to his home planet. The cast's intensity is all wrong. Nichols' direction is fine, the man pretty much reinvented comedy direction with "The Graduate" but the script screams for a director with a lighter touch.
"What Planet Are You From?" has the talent in front of and behind the camera, just not in the screenplay. It scores some laughs but eventually this misses its satirical possibilities.
Stats:
(2000) 105 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Mike Nichols
-Screenplay by Gary Shandling & Michael Leeson and Ed Solomon and Peter Tolan, Story by Gary Shandling & Michael Leeson
-Cast: Gary Shandling, Annette Bening, Ben Kingsley, Linda Fiorentino, John Goodman, Greg Kinnear, Judy Greer, Richard Jenkins, Camryn Manheim, Jane Lynch, Nora Dunn, Danny Zorn, Harmony Smith
(R)
Tuesday, April 1, 2025
What the Bleep Do We Know!? (2004)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Forget what you think you know about yourself and the world around you, this is the most fun you will ever have learning about quantum physics.
The film's writers and directors show their brilliance early. This could have been a slow, dreary slog about how we can change our lives, control our options, and affect the world around us. There are interviews with learned men and women who try to put these heady theories into terms we can understand. In order to illustrate the various points, Marlee Matlin plays Amanda, a photographer who is a lot like us. She is going through a rough patch in her life, and is overwhelmed by her environment. This all comes to a head at an assignment at a wedding in the same church she was married at. Interspersed through Amanda's day are the interviews. The dramatization then shows us how the philosophical ideas are used by Amanda and her brain.
The quantum physicists all come from different backgrounds, but say the same thing- we have created the world we live in, and we can change it if we want to. We are merely carbon based bio suits holding a supercomputer in our heads, and we have been programmed to act the way we act due to external expectations and our own view of how the world should be. Emotions are biological processes, and we have all become addicted to how our world tells us to behave, and what we should want out of life. We can not only change our reality, but our entire life if we learn to look at the world around us differently, expand our knowledge, and controversially, stop waiting for that reward from God in the next life. One interview subject, whose identity I do not want to reveal until you see the film, puts it this way: God is so immense and great, how could your digressions affect him one way or another? Another interviewee says we should not live lives of depravity, but dwelling on the hereafter is interfering with the here-and-now. This is argumentative stuff, but anyone burned by organized religion should take the film seriously. The film makers credit the interviewees only at the end, and the one who was making the most sense is the one most I would have considered the flakiest. Aging is merely a lack of protein getting to the right spots in the body, does nutrition really play a major role in how old we become?
"What the Bleep Do We Know!?" (also known as "What the F**k..." and "What the #$*!...") is complicated stuff. Living this transcendent knowledge through Matlin's (who is great, by the way) character certainly helps bring it to a level we can all understand, without ever dumbing it down or making the viewer feel like an idiot. The film left me thirsting for the very knowledge it is trying to explain. In the end, I realize I don't know too much, and if a film propels me to learn more (about quantum theory and the world in general), then it has succeeded in many ways. You will never look at science the same way again, and I shudder at how many arguments "What the Bleep Do We Know!?" is going to generate. Followed by a sequel.
Stats:
(2004) 109 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by William Arntz, Betsy Chasse, Mark Vicente
-Written by William Arntz, Betsy Chasse, Matthew Hoffman, Mark Vicente
-Cast: Marlee Matlin, Elaine Hendrix, John Ross Bowie, Robert Bailey Jr., Barry Newman, Larry Brandenburg, Daniela Serra, James Langston Drake, Michele Mariana, Armin Shimerman, Robert Blanche, Pavel Mikoloski, Mercedes Rose
(Not Rated)
Forget what you think you know about yourself and the world around you, this is the most fun you will ever have learning about quantum physics.
The film's writers and directors show their brilliance early. This could have been a slow, dreary slog about how we can change our lives, control our options, and affect the world around us. There are interviews with learned men and women who try to put these heady theories into terms we can understand. In order to illustrate the various points, Marlee Matlin plays Amanda, a photographer who is a lot like us. She is going through a rough patch in her life, and is overwhelmed by her environment. This all comes to a head at an assignment at a wedding in the same church she was married at. Interspersed through Amanda's day are the interviews. The dramatization then shows us how the philosophical ideas are used by Amanda and her brain.
The quantum physicists all come from different backgrounds, but say the same thing- we have created the world we live in, and we can change it if we want to. We are merely carbon based bio suits holding a supercomputer in our heads, and we have been programmed to act the way we act due to external expectations and our own view of how the world should be. Emotions are biological processes, and we have all become addicted to how our world tells us to behave, and what we should want out of life. We can not only change our reality, but our entire life if we learn to look at the world around us differently, expand our knowledge, and controversially, stop waiting for that reward from God in the next life. One interview subject, whose identity I do not want to reveal until you see the film, puts it this way: God is so immense and great, how could your digressions affect him one way or another? Another interviewee says we should not live lives of depravity, but dwelling on the hereafter is interfering with the here-and-now. This is argumentative stuff, but anyone burned by organized religion should take the film seriously. The film makers credit the interviewees only at the end, and the one who was making the most sense is the one most I would have considered the flakiest. Aging is merely a lack of protein getting to the right spots in the body, does nutrition really play a major role in how old we become?
"What the Bleep Do We Know!?" (also known as "What the F**k..." and "What the #$*!...") is complicated stuff. Living this transcendent knowledge through Matlin's (who is great, by the way) character certainly helps bring it to a level we can all understand, without ever dumbing it down or making the viewer feel like an idiot. The film left me thirsting for the very knowledge it is trying to explain. In the end, I realize I don't know too much, and if a film propels me to learn more (about quantum theory and the world in general), then it has succeeded in many ways. You will never look at science the same way again, and I shudder at how many arguments "What the Bleep Do We Know!?" is going to generate. Followed by a sequel.
Stats:
(2004) 109 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by William Arntz, Betsy Chasse, Mark Vicente
-Written by William Arntz, Betsy Chasse, Matthew Hoffman, Mark Vicente
-Cast: Marlee Matlin, Elaine Hendrix, John Ross Bowie, Robert Bailey Jr., Barry Newman, Larry Brandenburg, Daniela Serra, James Langston Drake, Michele Mariana, Armin Shimerman, Robert Blanche, Pavel Mikoloski, Mercedes Rose
(Not Rated)
What Women Want (2000)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Mel Gibson was a handsome man. During the press junkets for this film, many fluff entertainment reporters would question Mel, "so what DO women want?" The actor would laugh, the reporter would smile, and Hollywood Entertainment Report Tonight This Week Lowdown would lead off with a cute story. It is obvious that the marketing department for the studio thought they knew what women wanted and gave it to them- look at the poster and video box- 'WHAT WOMEN WANT,' and a picture of an adorable Mel grinning from ear to ear.
Mel Gibson plays Nick- the nicest, sweetest, most likable womanizer in film history. I was ready to see Mel treat women like crap, and get his comeuppance when he began to know what they were really thinking, but I was wrong. He stretches credibility by trying on women's products on the orders of his new boss Darcy (Helen Hunt). Hunt plays the exact same role she played on "Mad About You," Darcy comes to the agency with "bitch-on-wheels" rumors swirling about her, but she turns out to be nice. Couldn't we see some kind of Battle of the Sexes between Darcy and Nick, instead of sheepish smiles? Nick electrocutes himself in a bathtub with a hair dryer and can suddenly hear what women are thinking. He uses this to begin to take down Darcy, who got the job he wanted, and beds the pathetic Lola (Marisa Tomei), knowing her every sexual wish. He also begins to read the minds of his daughter Alex (Ashley Johnson), who is blossoming into womanhood and he can't do anything about it, and Erin (Judy Greer), an emotional mess of a coworker at his ad agency.
Nick beds down Lola in one embarrassing scene. He has been asking her out for months, gets her into bed, decides he loves Darcy, and gets rid of Lola by telling her HE IS GAY. I'm still waiting for the outcry from the LGBTQ+ community over this?, but then again, the director was a woman. Here is Nick, using an easy out (so to speak) to dump a character the writers should have trimmed in the first place. There's no logic behind the admission, or that Lola buys it and Tomei is promptly removed from the film. I kept hoping she would pop up later and tell Darcy this little gay fact, but nope.
Ashley Johnson is wonderful as Alex, who has obviously picked the wrong guy she plans to lose her virginity to on prom night. The role required a substantial amount of teen awkwardness, and Johnson is great. The unwatchable Bette Midler has an unnecessary cameo as a psychiatrist- her role seemed to be cast, and then written. If you are a known womanizer who can suddenly read the thoughts of the women you pursue, do you need a psychiatrist to tell you that you can use this power to get more women into bed? Like Tomei, Midler disappears, and I also kept waiting for her to pop up later. If you have an inkling about what Delta Burke and Valerie Perrine's purposes were here, you are smarter than I am.
The finale, after a VERY long running time, is a letdown. When Mel is alone onscreen, he has complete conversations with himself, like the dolt he played in "Conspiracy Theory." I wanted him to just shut up. Nick also cures suicidal depression in a nonsensical scene that is pure cringe.
This really is not a film- it is the result of test audience samplings and opinion polls- easy film making by committee, guaranteed to make money, and not harm anyone's career. "What Women Want" is lighter than a large cotton candy, and about as satisfying. Followed by a gender swapped remake.
Stats:
(2000) 127 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Nancy Meyers
-Screenplay by Josh Goldsmith & Cathy Yuspa, Story by Josh Goldsmith & Cathy Yuspa and Diane Drake
-Cast: Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt, Marisa Tomei, Alan Alda, Ashley Johnson, Mark Feuerstein, Lauren Holly, Delta Burke, Valerie Perrine, Judy Greer, Sarah Paulson, Ana Gasteyer, Lisa Edelstein
(PG-13)
Mel Gibson was a handsome man. During the press junkets for this film, many fluff entertainment reporters would question Mel, "so what DO women want?" The actor would laugh, the reporter would smile, and Hollywood Entertainment Report Tonight This Week Lowdown would lead off with a cute story. It is obvious that the marketing department for the studio thought they knew what women wanted and gave it to them- look at the poster and video box- 'WHAT WOMEN WANT,' and a picture of an adorable Mel grinning from ear to ear.
Mel Gibson plays Nick- the nicest, sweetest, most likable womanizer in film history. I was ready to see Mel treat women like crap, and get his comeuppance when he began to know what they were really thinking, but I was wrong. He stretches credibility by trying on women's products on the orders of his new boss Darcy (Helen Hunt). Hunt plays the exact same role she played on "Mad About You," Darcy comes to the agency with "bitch-on-wheels" rumors swirling about her, but she turns out to be nice. Couldn't we see some kind of Battle of the Sexes between Darcy and Nick, instead of sheepish smiles? Nick electrocutes himself in a bathtub with a hair dryer and can suddenly hear what women are thinking. He uses this to begin to take down Darcy, who got the job he wanted, and beds the pathetic Lola (Marisa Tomei), knowing her every sexual wish. He also begins to read the minds of his daughter Alex (Ashley Johnson), who is blossoming into womanhood and he can't do anything about it, and Erin (Judy Greer), an emotional mess of a coworker at his ad agency.
Nick beds down Lola in one embarrassing scene. He has been asking her out for months, gets her into bed, decides he loves Darcy, and gets rid of Lola by telling her HE IS GAY. I'm still waiting for the outcry from the LGBTQ+ community over this?, but then again, the director was a woman. Here is Nick, using an easy out (so to speak) to dump a character the writers should have trimmed in the first place. There's no logic behind the admission, or that Lola buys it and Tomei is promptly removed from the film. I kept hoping she would pop up later and tell Darcy this little gay fact, but nope.
Ashley Johnson is wonderful as Alex, who has obviously picked the wrong guy she plans to lose her virginity to on prom night. The role required a substantial amount of teen awkwardness, and Johnson is great. The unwatchable Bette Midler has an unnecessary cameo as a psychiatrist- her role seemed to be cast, and then written. If you are a known womanizer who can suddenly read the thoughts of the women you pursue, do you need a psychiatrist to tell you that you can use this power to get more women into bed? Like Tomei, Midler disappears, and I also kept waiting for her to pop up later. If you have an inkling about what Delta Burke and Valerie Perrine's purposes were here, you are smarter than I am.
The finale, after a VERY long running time, is a letdown. When Mel is alone onscreen, he has complete conversations with himself, like the dolt he played in "Conspiracy Theory." I wanted him to just shut up. Nick also cures suicidal depression in a nonsensical scene that is pure cringe.
This really is not a film- it is the result of test audience samplings and opinion polls- easy film making by committee, guaranteed to make money, and not harm anyone's career. "What Women Want" is lighter than a large cotton candy, and about as satisfying. Followed by a gender swapped remake.
Stats:
(2000) 127 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Nancy Meyers
-Screenplay by Josh Goldsmith & Cathy Yuspa, Story by Josh Goldsmith & Cathy Yuspa and Diane Drake
-Cast: Mel Gibson, Helen Hunt, Marisa Tomei, Alan Alda, Ashley Johnson, Mark Feuerstein, Lauren Holly, Delta Burke, Valerie Perrine, Judy Greer, Sarah Paulson, Ana Gasteyer, Lisa Edelstein
(PG-13)
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