Secrets & Lies (1996)

Mike Leigh writes and directs yet another everyday man's look at the world around him, but gives in to soap opera storylines, which disappoints the viewer.

Hortense's (Marianne Jean-Baptiste) adopted mother has recently died, and Hortense decides to look for her birth mother. She gets the paperwork, but notices a mistake. Hortense is black, but her birth certificate lists her mother as white. The social work agency insists there is no mistake, and Hortense tracks down birth mother Cynthia (Brenda Blethyn). Cynthia has a life of her own, but not a very good one. She has a boring job in a factory. She is raising sullen daughter Roxanne (Claire Rushbrook) alone. Roxanne is about to turn twenty-one, sweeps streets for a living, and spends her down time laying around the house smoking cigarettes or hanging out with her boyfriend Paul (Lee Ross). Cynthia is estranged from her younger brother Maurice (the great Timothy Spall), a portrait photographer who must deal with sometimes unhappy wife Monica (Phyllis Logan). Cynthia seems to be at wit's end throughout her whole existence. Maurice wants to make contact again with Roxanne's birthday coming up. Cynthia is still staying in the decrepit family home where they were raised while Maurice has moved into a nice large home with Monica, never having his sister over for a visit. Out of the blue, Hortense calls Cynthia with her bombshell, and they arrange to meet. Despite reservations on both sides, Cynthia and Hortense become acquaintances, but never great friends. They meet for meals, and learn more about each other. Maurice's old business partner returns to town, demanding a job, and Maurice's tension begins to increase. Cynthia invites Hortense to Roxanne's party at Maurice and Monica's home, and all the secrets and lies -well, most of the secrets and lies- are exposed in one grandiose afternoon.

Blethyn and Rushbrook look so similar, they may be related. Roxanne's pinched face and angry demeanor are great. Blethyn infuses Cynthia with a little too much shrewishness, I wish she had toned it down a little. Timothy Spall is absolute perfection. Every line and mannerism is not only believable, but he reminds me of people I have met in real life. Phyllis Logan thankfully plays his wife close, never letting the audience in on what she is hiding. Of all the secrets and lies revealed in the finale, her's came across as the most painful. Marianne Jean-Baptiste is so natural at being Hortense, you soon realize her character is too laid back, especially when contrasted with this highly emotional family. While the cast of actors are excellent, I hated that they were trapped in a sometimes overly sentimental story. There is not one weak performance here, right down to the subjects of Maurice's photographs. Leigh writes a long, almost two and a half hours, soap opera episode that has little suspense as to how it will turn out. Even the title is all wrong, I can envision an announcer saying "Will Cynthia reveal her black daughter to her white family? Will Monica finally reveal her pain? Find out on tomorrow's episode of 'Secrets & Lies'." The morbid musical score hints at something heavier than the script gives us.

"Secrets & Lies" is an emotion filled film with passionate characters. I wish Leigh had given them something more to do than reenact a season cliffhanger episode of "Knots Landing." I recommend the acting, and not much else.

Stats:
(1996) 136 min. (6/10)
-Written and Directed by Mike Leigh
-Cast: Brenda Blethyn, Timothy Spall, Marianne Jean-Baptiste, Claire Rushbrook, Lee Ross, Phyllis Logan, Elizabeth Berrington, Michele Austin, Lesley Manville, Ron Cook, Brian Bovell, Trevor Laird, Clare Perkins
(R)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Picture (lost to "The English Patient")
-Best Actress- Brenda Blethyn (lost to Frances McDormand "Fargo")
-Best Supporting Actress- Marianne Jean-Baptiste (lost to Juliette Binoche "The English Patient")
-Best Director- Mike Leigh (lost to Anthony Minghella "The English Patient")
-Best Original Screenplay (lost to "Fargo")
*BAFTA*
-Alexander Korda Award for Best British Film (won)
-Best Film (lost to "The English Patient")
-Best Actor- Timothy Spall (lost to Geoffrey Rush "Shine")
-Best Actress- Brenda Blethyn (won)
-Best Supporting Actress- Marianne Jean-Baptiste (lost to Juliette Binoche "The English Patient")
-David Lean Award for Best Direction- Mike Leigh (lost to Joel Coen "Fargo")
-Best Original Screenplay (won)

The Portrait of a Lady (1996)

Based on a hopefully better reading novel by Henry James, Jane Campion and screenwriter Laura Jones bring a cold and boring adaptation to the screen, helped some by three performances you would never have expected. There are some films that rub you the wrong way, and this is one. Campion tries everything to keep the viewer interested, but the story is so slowly paced and boring, I felt bad for all involved. The film was not a total loss. Viggo Mortensen, Martin Donovan, and Richard E. Grant turn in some of the best work of their careers. Donovan is the biggest revelation, looking completely at home in this blue costume drama. Kidman spends most of the film crying, Malkovich plays Osmond like a serial killer, and Hershey is so restrained that her final outpouring of emotion in a scene with Malkovich and then later with Kidman seems out of place and out of character.

There is no passion shown for "The Portrait of a Lady," neither as a film or a piece of literature. This is an exercise in how to dress up a period drama for today's audience, yet still get it wrong. Call this "Portrait of a Bored Reviewer."

Stats:
(1996) 144 min. (3/10)
-Directed by Jane Campion
-Screenplay by Laura Jones based on the novel by Henry James
-Cast: Nicole Kidman, John Malkovich, Barbara Hershey, Martin Donovan, Viggo Mortensen, Richard E. Grant, Mary-Louise Parker, Shelley Winters, John Gielgud, Shelley Duvall, Christian Bale, Valentina Cervi, Roger Ashton-Griffiths
(PG-13)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Supporting Actress- Barbara Hershey (lost to Juliette Binoche "The English Patient")
-Best Costume Design (lost to "The English Patient")

The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996)

Barbra Streisand does a fantastic job directing a big sturdy cast of actors in a bloated, awkwardly constructed romantic comedy.

Rose (Barbra Streisand) is a frumpy but extremely popular English professor at Columbia University who lives with her mother (Lauren Bacall) and plays the bridesmaid, never the bride, at her sister Claire's (Mimi Rogers) third wedding. Beautiful Claire is marrying the perfect Alex (Pierce Brosnan), and Rose is the one who first introduced them and still carries the torch for him. Rose likes to eat, and she and her best friend (Brenda Vaccaro) have accepted their stations in life and coast along. Greg (Jeff Bridges) is also a Columbia professor, of calculus and mathematics. He has just finished writing a boring book no one will ever read, and he puts his sparsely populated classes to sleep with his drivel. One thing that does stir him up are the number of beautiful women he beds, but who do not stick around for commitment. Greg tires of these trysts and decides to write a personal ad looking for an intelligent woman whose physical appearance is not important. Claire answers the ad in Rose's name, and Greg observes Rose teach a class, where she declares physical love ruins everything. Greg leaves before hearing that Rose wants that passion in a relationship, however, and Greg comes up with a new theory. He will find a woman and be her loving friend and companion, but not have physical relations with her because this obviously ruins everything. He asks Rose out on a date and she accepts.

Streisand gives Bridges plenty of leeway and doesn't hog the camera for herself. The original story is based on a French film, and it feels foreign to me. These characters do not exist in any world we know of, but in romantic-comedy-movie-land. It is hard to relate to them, much less be asked to put up with their oddball behavior. The big name cast is reduced to small roles that could have been played by anyone. Bridges survives unscathed, Streisand is fine, and there is a lot of raw emotion and insecurity when Rose begins confronting how she looks, but the film needed some tightening.

"The Mirror Has Two Faces" is bland and innocuous, but in a good way. I wish there had been more heft to it, considering the talent on both sides of the camera.

Stats:
(1996) 126 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Barbra Streisand
-Screenplay and Screen Story by Richard LaGravenese based on the screenplay by Andre Cayatte and Gerard Oury
-Cast: Barbra Streisand, Jeff Bridges, Mimi Rogers, Lauren Bacall, George Segal, Pierce Brosnan, Brenda Vaccaro, Austin Pendleton, Elle Macpherson, Ali Marsh, Leslie Stefanson, Taina Elg, Lucy Avery Brooke
(PG-13)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Supporting Actress- Lauren Bacall (lost to Juliette Binoche "The English Patient")
-Best Original Song- "I've Finally Found Someone" (lost to "You Must Love Me"- "Evita")
*BAFTA*
-Best Supporting Actress- Lauren Bacall (lost to Juliette Binoche "The English Patient")

Oscar Denied: 1996 Best Supporting Actress Academy Award

*Get "The Crucible" on Amazon here*
*Get "The English Patient" on Amazon here*
*Get "The Mirror Has Two Faces" on Amazon here*
*Get "The Portrait of a Lady" on Amazon here*
*Get "Secrets & Lies" on Amazon here*

Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel used to do a special show where they got to decide Oscar winners if they could vote for Academy Awards. The purpose of this column is the same. What if I watched all five nominees in a category in a given year (thereby seeing more movies than some actual Oscar voters), then decide for myself who should have won? This column will not be an argument with the Academy about award politics as much as a one-time blank ballot. If faced with the same five nominees, who would I have voted for?

I remember seeing it- Lauren Bacall readied herself to go accept her Oscar for her first time nomination for "The Mirror Has Two Faces." It was in the bag. No one thought otherwise until Juliette Binoche's name was called. Maybe Binoche's performance was better. Maybe Bacall was simply shafted and swept under the rug in the tidal wave that was "The English Patient." Maybe one of the three also-rans (Joan Allen, Barbara Hershey, Marianne Jean-Baptiste) should have got it instead of being crossed off automatically when Bacall's name was nominated. Well, I watched the five nominated films to find out.

I plopped in "The Crucible" and readied myself for some big old-fashioned overwrought performances. I was pleasantly surprised, after an hour. Joan Allen was nominated for her role as Daniel Day-Lewis' wife, who is targeted by Winona Ryder with false witchcraft accusations since Ryder is in love with Day-Lewis. The first half of the film, starting with the accusations in 1690's Massachusetts, is atrocious. The film works better when finally fixing its focus on Day-Lewis and Allen, putting wide eyed stiff Ryder into the background.

I was surprised at how good Allen was. I had not heard too much about her performance, and she deserved more recognition. Two scenes illustrate why Allen deserved her nomination- when her character is asked why she let go of Ryder as a housegirl (Ryder had slept with Day-Lewis), and when Allen tells a lie for the first time in her life to save face and her husband. The look on her face when she realizes she should have stuck to the truth is wrenching. Another scene takes place on a seaside cliff, where Allen must try to convince Day-Lewis to confess to witchcraft so he will not be hanged. Another great moment, and Allen's is an unexpected performance to beat.

Next up, the Bacall. "The Mirror Has Two Faces" (and an awkward title), and is the only romantic comedy among a bunch of serious performances in serious movies. Watching Bacall play the beautiful mother of frumpy Barbra Streisand, I realized Bacall should not have won the Oscar that year. Like the movie, there was no meat to the role. Streisand wonderfully directed an awkward script full of awkward characters, and Bacall and the rest of the fantastic cast (Pierce Brosnan, Mimi Rogers, George Segal, Brenda Vaccaro, Austin Pendleton, Jeff Bridges, and Streisand herself) never had a chance.

Bacall had some nice moments with Streisand, but the role is underwritten and there is nothing she could have done to make it any better. Good, but not great, and Allen continues to lead.

"Secrets & Lies" was a little British film that finally got writer/director Mike Leigh the notice he deserved. Marianne Jean-Baptiste was the nominee here, and out of all five nominees, her performance was the most natural. Playing a woman given up for adoption as an infant by a terribly shrill Brenda Blethyn, Jean-Baptiste's laid back character Hortense makes her one to notice in an otherwise tense cast. Laughing quietly at some of her birth mother's sayings, being unsure of developing a relationship with this stranger, Hortense readily accepts the events around her.

The majority of Jean-Baptiste's scenes are with Blethyn, but a scene I really admired was without anyone at all. Hortense is looking through the paperwork dealing with her adoption at a social worker's office. She then begins crying. I do not mean hysterical sobbing for the benefit of an awards show nominee clip, but simply tears. It was a touching moment. I still give Joan Allen the lead, but Jean-Baptiste comes in a close second, so far. Hortense was a little TOO laid back for my tastes, and Leigh sometimes seemed more concerned with his soap opera dramatics than what this was doing to Hortense.

"The Portrait of a Lady"? Ah, here are my big old overwrought performances. Nicole Kidman, John Malkovich, nominee Barbara Hershey, and a cast of huge stars get caught in Jane Campion's boring tale of love professings and polite societal schemings in 1870's Europe. Campion tries her best, adding some nice cinematic touches to wake the audience, but the cinematography is overly cold and the plot is too simplistic for this type of heady execution.

Barbara Hershey plays a poor man's version of another, better schemer- Glenn Close as Marquise de Merteuil in "Dangerous Liaisons." Hershey is a good foil to Malkovich and Kidman, having nice scenes with both, but she is as restrained as her corset. Once she lets her true demeanor slip through near the end of the film, I did not care either way for anyone concerned. As a performance, Hershey may have listened too well to her director. Allen is still getting my vote before I turn to the one performance of the five that I have seen before and the winner for the category.

Although I arranged the films according to shortest to longest running time, it is luck that they got progressively worse. "The English Patient" is a maddening World War II epic romance between Ralph Fiennes and Kristin Scott Thomas, with their story being recounted to nominee Juliette Binoche, who is caring for a dying Fiennes. The film jumps back and forth in time as writer/director Anthony Minghella tries to cram everything from the dense novel into the film.

While Juliette Binoche won the Oscar, she did not give the best performance of the five nominees. There is nothing commendable or special about her character, much less her acting. She became a victim of Minghella's cinematic cramming, and never offers the audience anything challenging except pensive stares and crocodile tears. Of the five nominees, she was the only one to appear nude onscreen. If an actress takes her top off for a B-flick, it's exploitation. If an actress takes her top off and is nominated for an Oscar, it's a brave performance. Go figure.

"And the Oscar goes to...Joan Allen for 'The Crucible'!"- words that should have been uttered that night. Ranking the performances from best to worst: Allen, Jean-Baptiste, Bacall, Hershey, Binoche. Instead, I hereby award Joan Allen the Golden Chucky. No, it does not exist, but if it did, it would be a brass plated statuette of me, sitting in my underwear in a recliner, with a remote control in my left hand and popcorn in my right. Joan, for what it's worth (not much), you got my vote.

The English Patient (1996)

"Seinfeld" fans will remember the episode where Elaine was dragged to "The English Patient," and could not fathom why so many people she knew came to love it. I stand with Elaine.

In the closing days of World War II in Italy, Canadian nurse Hana (Juliette Binoche) is not having a good week. She finds out her boyfriend has been killed in action, then watches another friend roll over a land mine. She decides she is cursed, and volunteers to stay behind with a mysterious burn patient and wait for him to die, then she will meet up again with her medical detachment. The patient is suffering from amnesia, not remembering his own name. He has flashes of memory, including a wife. The pair stay at an abandoned monastery, but soon they receive visitors. Kip (Naveen Andrews) is a bomb detonator who takes a shine to Hana. Caravaggio (Willem Dafoe) is a thumbless morphine addict who immediately senses that he has met the burn victim before.

In the film's opening moments, we see the patient Almasy (Ralph Fiennes) and Katharine (Kristin Scott Thomas) suffer a horrible plane crash. The majority of the film is Almasy's recollections of meeting Katharine and falling in love with her. Almasy was with some geologists, mapping the desert of North Africa. With war looming, the maps have become desirable to both sides of the conflict. Geoffrey (Colin Firth) arrives with wife Katharine in tow. Almasy and Katharine do not like each other, but certainly become good friends when they are trapped alone in a car during a sandstorm. They carry on an illicit affair, and Geoffrey soon finds out. Katharine breaks off all the sweaty sex, and Almasy mopes. I cannot give out too much about what happens to the pair, but the final fifteen minutes of the film are the best.

Anthony Minghella directs his own screenplay, but his editor should have put his foot down. While the film clocks in at one hundred and sixty-two minutes, it actually feels longer. Almasy and Katharine's story mostly takes place before the war, and Hana's story in the last days of the war, but the film feels as long as the combat that filled in those half dozen years. The film is certainly pretty, but Minghella gives us scenes from the novel without any deep characterization behind them. The courtship between Almasy and Katharine is mechanical and old-fashioned. Romantic lines that were old back when Humphrey Bogart made woo with Ingrid Bergman are transposed with hot and sweaty sex and nudity more akin to Cinemax After Dark. Colin Firth's reaction upon finding out about the affair is so overdone that it is funny. Willem Dafoe's Caravaggio should have been cut from the film completely. He is an info dump listener as characters tell him everything. Watch for the completely unnecessary thumb losing scene, unless the world really needed a Jurgen Prochnow cameo. The rest of the performances are strictly one note until the final scenes when actual passion suddenly explodes onto the screen in between the frustration and the uninteresting wartime espionage subplot. Juliette Binoche's Oscar winning performance is a blank canvas left blank. She makes no impression whatsoever, Joan Allen should have won that year for "The Crucible."

"The English Patient" might be one of the worst Best Picture Academy Award Winners ever made. I do not want to waste another three hours of my life sitting through it to be convinced otherwise.

Stats:
(1996) 162 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Anthony Minghella
-Screenplay by Anthony Minghella based on the novel by Michael Ondaatje
-Cast: Ralph Fiennes, Kristin Scott Thomas, Juliette Binoche, Willem Dafoe, Colin Firth, Naveen Andrews, Jurgen Prochnow, Julian Wadham, Kevin Whately, Clive Merrison, Nino Castelnuovo, Hichem Rostom, Peter Ruhring
(R)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Picture (won)
-Best Actor- Ralph Fiennes (lost to Geoffrey Rush "Shine")
-Best Actress- Kristin Scott Thomas (lost to Frances McDormand "Fargo")
-Best Supporting Actress- Juliette Binoche (won)
-Best Director (won)
-Best Adapted Screenplay (lost to "Sling Blade")
-Best Cinematography (won)
-Best Art Direction-Set Decoration (won)
-Best Costume Design (won)
-Best Sound (won)
-Best Film Editing (won)
-Best Dramatic Musical Score (won)
*BAFTA*
-Best Film (won)
-Best Actor- Ralph Fiennes (lost to Geoffrey Rush "Shine")
-Best Actress- Kristin Scott Thomas (lost to Brenda Blethyn "Secrets & Lies")
-Best Supporting Actress- Juliette Binoche (won)
-David Lean Award for Best Direction- Anthony Minghella (lost to Joel Coen "Fargo")
-Best Adapted Screenplay (won)
-Anthony Asquith Award for Music (won)
-Best Cinematography (won)
-Best Production Design (lost to "Richard III")
-Best Costume Design (lost to "Richard III")
-Best Editing (won)
-Best Sound (lost to "Shine")
-Best Make Up/Hair (lost to "The Nutty Professor")

The Crucible (1996)

Arthur Miller's well known stage play is a difficult work to mount. Given the theatrical style, Miller's screenplay comes close to losing the viewer in the opening hour before the actors redeem themselves in the second half of the film and save it.

Abigail (Winona Ryder) and many of the girls who live in Salem, Massachusetts in 1691 are a little repressed. They have taken to dancing in the woods with servant Tituba (Charlayne Woodard), wishing for the love of the local boys and not doing much harm. Abigail requests the hand of the married John (Daniel Day-Lewis) at the same time the seemingly innocent ceremony goes wrong. One girl strips, Abigail kills a chicken and smears the blood on her mouth, and Abigail's uncle, Reverend Parris (Bruce Davison) stumbles onto the scene. He keeps the secret, until two girls in the village seem to fall ill, not waking up or communicating with anyone. One of the girls is Abigail's cousin, the reverend's daughter. This is obviously the Devil's work here, and Reverend Hale (a terrific Rob Campbell) is sent to Salem to investigate the incident. The girls become a mob, trying to cover their own behavior by naming anyone they can think of as witches. They fake mass hysteria to make their point, but Abigail still has designs on John, and decides to move wife Elizabeth (Joan Allen) out of the picture with a false accusation. The deputy governor of Massachusetts (Paul Scofield) and his council are called in to try the cases, and the girls realize it is too late to turn back now. As the village becomes caught up in the fever of hatred, the executions begin.

A thinly veiled rebuff of the House Un-American Committee hearings of the 1950's, as a film the first half of "The Crucible" is awful. Ryder seems to get nowhere, not realizing that her character is a classic villain, but plays her like an angel. Day-Lewis seems unable to pin John Proctor down, character names are bandied about with no idea who they are, and Hytner's direction consists of crane shots and unintentionally funny angles from other characters' points of view. By the time the tribunal arrives, and the story shifts to John and Elizabeth, things improve drastically. Paul Scofield should have won his second Oscar for his portrayal of Danforth, torn between what he has been taught to believe about religion and the Devil, and what his common sense is telling him. Joan Allen also should have won an Oscar. She does a great job as the understanding Elizabeth. With such sad scenes, other actresses would have played all the emotion out of them. Allen plays Elizabeth not emotionally aloof, but stoic. She is not a seventeenth century feminist. Davison and Hale are also great in their roles. Day-Lewis finally seems to get the hang of John, his improvement in the second half of the film is noteworthy. Ryder, who I normally do not mind, is irritating here, playing Abigail as a victim instead of a cold hearted murderess, indirectly killing through the hangings.

"The Crucible" is a difficult play to read, and watch on the screen. Some of the girls' theatrics are unconvincing, Hytner's direction is unsure, and the performances are weak. Waiting until things improve make for a better viewing experience in the second half, but an audience may not want to wait around that long.

Stats:
(1996) 124 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Nicholas Hytner
-Written by Arthur Miller
-Cast: Daniel Day-Lewis, Winona Ryder, Joan Allen, Paul Scofield, Bruce Davison, Rob Campbell, Charlayne Woodard, Jeffrey Jones, Peter Vaughan, Karron Graves, Frances Conroy, Elizabeth Lawrence, George Gaynes
(PG-13)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Supporting Actress- Joan Allen (lost to Juliette Binoche- "The English Patient")
-Best Adapted Screenplay (lost to "Sling Blade")
*BAFTA*
-Best Supporting Actor- Paul Scofield (won)
-Best Adapted Screenplay (lost to "The English Patient")

Oscar Denied: 1977 Best Picture Academy Award

The year 1977 saw a cultural phenomenon kick box office records, entertain millions, and get nominated for the Best Picture Oscar. Unfortunately, "Star Wars" lost to Woody Allen's "Annie Hall." When I wrote this article, we waited for "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" to be read as Best Picture. I thought it would be interesting to watch all five nominees for Best Picture in 1977. Has everyone been wrong about how good "Star Wars" was for all these years? Maybe "Annie Hall" did deserve the Oscar, or also-rans like "Julia," "The Goodbye Girl," or "The Turning Point" should have scored the big one. Of the five, I did see "Star Wars" in the theater when it came out, I turned nine in 1977. I saw "The Turning Point" in junior high, "Annie Hall" and "Julia" in college, and I had never seen "The Goodbye Girl," aside from a few clips here and there. That seems like a good place to start.

"The Goodbye Girl" is a very funny comedy written by Neil Simon and expertly directed by Herbert Ross. Marsha Mason and her daughter Quinn Cummings find themselves sharing an apartment with Richard Dreyfuss. Mason and Dreyfuss do not get along, so naturally they begin to fall in love. Aside from Mason's sometimes schizophrenic performance and some of Simon's limp dialogue, this is a good strong film that may have been funnier than "Annie Hall."

Ross scored again with "The Turning Point," turning his own eye to the backstage world of a ballet company. Shirley MacLaine and Anne Bancroft canceled each other out in the Best Actress category, both are brilliant as former best friends and rivals whose old wounds open up again when MacLaine's daughter joins the company. While the film runs a little long, and ballet does not interest me, "The Turning Point" is great because of Bancroft and MacLaine.

"Julia" impressed me the first time I saw it. The film tells the story of writer Lillian Hellman's friendship with the mysterious Julia, played by Vanessa Redgrave. Hellman is portrayed rather well by Jane Fonda, and the two actresses have a great chemistry, with classic direction by Fred Zinnemann. I loved this film. Watching the brassy Hellman reduced to a speechless nervous tic while trying to smuggle money to Julia's social cause is great. Whether Julia existed or not did not matter, "Julia" captures 1930's pre-war Europe perfectly, and it never bored me.

"Star Wars." It was magic when I saw it as a kid, and still thrilled me on my first viewing of it as a film critic. The cast are mostly freshly scrubbed new faces who act out George Lucas' script with a wonderful sense of fun. The film felt like the old movie serials my father's generation grew up with. While some of the special effects shots were a little obvious, the story and characters had me enthralled. It almost made me sad to see what Lucas had done with his series later. That same magic and awe that everyone experienced in 1977 can never be repeated.

The winner of the year, "Annie Hall," is not a bad film but I found it to be the lesser of the five nominees. Woody Allen chronicles his romance with the title character, played by Diane Keaton. While Allen's one-liners and situations are now classics, I did not think the film held together well. Both main characters turn into a couple of talking heads who we never get to know very well despite seeing family and past relationships, and eventually Allen lost me. The Best Picture Oscar should have gone to his "Radio Days," not this one.

It looks like the two best films of the nominees were "Star Wars" and "Julia," and on my imaginary ballot, I would have chosen "Star Wars." Back then, it was a brilliant technical achievement, but many today forget John Williams' perfect musical score, Alec Guinness having fun as Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Harrison Ford being the ultracool Han Solo. "Star Wars" was great, a two hour thrill ride that never stops to let the viewer catch their breath. Ranking the five films from best to worst:

1. Star Wars
2. Julia
3. The Goodbye Girl
4. The Turning Point
5. Annie Hall

"...and the Best Picture Oscar goes to 'Star Wars'!"...oh, well, we'll never hear those words. The film's sequels and prequels never scored the amount of Oscar nominations and wins the first film did. In the meantime, I award "Star Wars" a new and improved Golden Chucky: a life size nude statue of me from the waist up- holding a copy of the Atkins diet in one hand and a stick of butter in the other. Mr. Lucas, send me your address and I will come to your house and re-enact the award in person.

The Goodbye Girl (1977)

Director Herbert Ross capably directs Marsha Mason and Richard Dreyfuss in a very enjoyable romantic comedy.

Paula (Marsha Mason) and her young daughter Lucy (the very funny Quinn Cummings) have just been abandoned by Paula's married lover, an actor who suddenly flies to Europe after promising to take them to Hollywood with him. He also forgot to tell Paula that he sublet their New York City apartment to Elliot (Richard Dreyfuss), an actor from Chicago who arrives to do an off-Broadway version of "Richard III." As with all good romantic comedies, Paula and Elliot cannot stand each other, but agree to share the apartment. Paula is trying to make a comeback as a dancer in musical theater, and Elliot is ordered by his director (Paul Benedict) to play Richard III as a flamboyant homosexual. Will the two get together? What do you think?

Ross and playwright Neil Simon open up Simon's original script, shooting on location in New York City. For the apartment scenes, Ross does a wonderful job of keeping his camera moving, never letting anyone stand too still for too long. Simon's script is very Simonesque. There are some fall-down funny lines, but there is also a lot of pointless yelling, an ingredient of many Simon productions. Cummings is hilarious, who would have thought a ten year old was capable of flawless comic timing? Mason is sometimes drab as Paula, she changes moods quicker than changing clothes. Dreyfuss won the Oscar for his Elliot, deservedly, since he lifts his goofy character to another level entirely- a romantic leading man who meditates and sleeps in the nude.

"The Goodbye Girl" is a very good, and very funny, romantic comedy. Aside from some lame lines and Paula's mood swings, it would stack up well to any rom-com out there today.

Stats:
(1977) 111 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Herbert Ross
-Written by Neil Simon
-Cast: Richard Dreyfuss, Marsha Mason, Quinn Cummings, Paul Benedict, Barbara Rhoades, Theresa Merritt, Michael Shawn, Patricia Pearcy, Marilyn Sokol, Robert Costanzo, Gene Castle, Daniel Levins, Anita Dangler
(PG)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Picture (lost to "Annie Hall")
-Best Actor- Richard Dreyfuss (won)
-Best Actress- Marsha Mason (lost to Diane Keaton- "Annie Hall")
-Best Supporting Actress- Quinn Cummings (lost to Vanessa Redgrave- "Julia")
-Best Original Screenplay (lost to "Annie Hall")
*BAFTA*
-Best Actor- Richard Dreyfuss (won)
-Best Actress- Marsha Mason (lost to Jane Fonda- "Julia")
-Best Screenplay (lost to "Julia")

Star Wars (1977)

Anyone out there NOT know the story of this science fiction classic? Okay. In a nutshell, Luke (Mark Hamill) lives on a dead-end desert planet when two androids on a secret mission fall into his possession. They must get a message from Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) to a former Jedi knight Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness). The Resistance is battling the Empire, and the Empire's main baddie Darth Vader (voiced by James Earl Jones) is looking to destroy the Resistance with a giant moon-shaped ship called the Death Star that can annihilate entire planets. With the help of mercenary Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Luke and his fellow pilots try to destroy the Death Star before it can blow up a rebel base.

What is in between the lacking plot summary above? State of the art (for 1977) special effects. A cast of heroes you can cheer for, and a cast of villains you want to hiss at. Funny comedy relief, and sad moments. Basically, "Star Wars" has everything you could hope for in a film. I was slack-jawed when I first saw the film as a kid, and it still bowled me over as an adult. George Lucas wrote a marvelous screenplay whose magic he had not been able to capture with the prequels. In the original film, there seems to be no pressure to top one's self. The entire story is self-contained, no sequel worries that the average movie goer in 1977 needed to fret about. Looking at the original version now, some of those magical effects ain't so magical anymore, but they are still fun. Lucas' direction is great, reminiscent of the 1950's serials like Flash Gordon. His art direction and set decoration are stunning in their scope. Even John Williams' eternal musical score deserves another listen, one of the most perfect uses of music ever put on film. I cannot imagine anyone not seeing "Star Wars" unless you were my mother and don't like watching movies with aliens and creatures in them.

This is one of the greatest movies of all time, despite its prequels and some sequels, and a film that is truly treasured by young and old alike.

Stats:
(1977) 121 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by George Lucas
-Cast: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Alec Guinness, James Earl Jones, Peter Cushing, David Prowse, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Peter Mayhew, Phil Brown, Shelagh Fraser, Jack Purvis
(PG)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Picture (lost to "Annie Hall")
-Best Supporting Actor- Alec Guinness (lost to Jason Robards- "Julia")
-Best Director- George Lucas (lost to Woody Allen- "Annie Hall")
-Best Original Screenplay (lost to "Annie Hall")
-Best Art Direction/Set Decoration (won)
-Best Costume Design (won)
-Best Sound (won)
-Best Film Editing (won)
-Best Visual Effects (won)
-Best Original Score (won)
-Special- Best Sound Effects (won)
*BAFTA*
-Best Film (lost to "Julia")
-Best Costume Design (lost to "Death on the Nile")
-Best Sound (won)
-Best Film Editing (lost to "Midnight Express")
-Best Production Design/Art Direction (lost to "Close Encounters of the Third Kind")
-Anthony Asquith Award for Film Music (won)

Julia (1977)

*Get "Julia" on Amazon here*
*Get "Julia" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get Pentimento by Lillian Hellman on Amazon here*
*Get Hellman and Hammett: The Legendary Passion of Lillian Hellman and Dashiell Hammett by Joan Mellen on Amazon here*

The great filmmaker Fred Zinnemann, in the twilight of his career, proved he could still direct with the best of them.

Jane Fonda plays writer Lillian Hellman. Hellman is living a quiet life with her lover, Dashiell Hammett (Jason Robards), as she tries to pound out a play. The duo are a perfect match- hard drinking and hard smoking with Hammett serving as Hellman's mentor and support. Through Hellman's memories, we see a different side of her life. Hellman was once friends with Julia (Vanessa Redgrave), a passionate and lonely girl who was admired by Hellman. The two have physically lost touch over the years, but still remain close through letters. Finally, Lillian tries to contact Julia. Julia leads Lillian into some pre-World War II anti-Nazi intrigue which tests their friendship.

The most interesting aspect of the film is Fonda's portrayal of Lillian Hellman. She does an excellent job of being bold and confident around Hammett, but turns into an almost child-like, stuttering woman around Julia, and when she becomes involved with Julia's plan to smuggle money into Berlin to help out the Jews. Fonda does not seem a likely choice, physically, but she does well. Redgrave deserved her Oscar, especially when her character is not onscreen much of the time, or lying in bed bandaged and unable to speak. Robards is good, as is Maximilian Schell in a tiny role as one of Julia's co-conspirators. The supporting cast includes familiar faces like Hal Holbrook, John Glover- who was also in "Annie Hall," that year's Best Picture Oscar winner, and Meryl Streep. Alvin Sargent's screenplay jumps back and forth in time, and Zinnemann keeps the viewer grounded. Every shot is beautiful, the film looks very expensive, but there is a grittiness to the look that tells you Hellman's life was not all roses.

"Julia" is a hard film to explain in one or two sentences. It concerns friendship, loss, sorrow, war, and chain smoking. It is one of the most underrated films of the 1970's, and my pick for the second best film of 1977 right after "Star Wars".

Stats:
(1977) 117 min. (10/10)
-Directed by Fred Zinnemann
-Screenplay by Alvin Sargent, Story by Lillian Hellman
-Cast: Jane Fonda, Jason Robards, Vanessa Redgrave, Maximilian Schell, Hal Holbrook, John Glover, Meryl Streep, Rosemary Murphy, Dora Doll, Mark Metcalf, Lisa Pelikan, Elisabeth Mortensen, Susan Jones
(PG)
-Media Viewed: Home Video
*Academy Awards*
-Best Picture (lost to "Annie Hall")
-Best Actress- Jane Fonda (lost to Diane Keaton- "Annie Hall")
-Best Supporting Actor- Jason Robards (won)
-Best Supporting Actor- Maximilian Schell (lost to Jason Robards- "Julia")
-Best Supporting Actress- Vanessa Redgrave (won)
-Best Director- Fred Zinnemann (lost to Woody Allen- "Annie Hall")
-Best Adapted Screenplay (won)
-Best Cinematography (lost to "Close Encounters of the Third Kind")
-Best Costume Design (lost to "Star Wars")
-Best Film Editing (lost to "Star Wars")
-Best Original Score (lost to "Star Wars")
*BAFTA*
-Best Film (won)
-Best Actress- Jane Fonda (won)
-Best Supporting Actor- Jason Robards (lost to John Hurt "Midnight Express")
-Best Director- Fred Zinnemann (lost to Alan Parker "Midnight Express")
-Best Screenplay (won) -Best Cinematography (won)
-Best Costume Design (lost to "Death on the Nile")
-Best Film Editing (lost to "Midnight Express")
-Best Production Design/Art Direction (lost to "Close Encounters of the Third Kind")
-Anthony Asquith Award for Film Music (lost to "Star Wars")
*Golden Globes*
-Best Motion Picture- Drama (lost to "The Turning Point")
-Best Motion Picture Actress- Drama- Jane Fonda (won)
-Best Motion Picture Supporting Actor- Drama- Jason Robards (lost to Peter Firth "Equus")
-Best Motion Picture Supporting Actor- Maximilian Schell (lost to Peter Firth "Equus")
-Best Motion Picture Supporting Actress- Drama- Vanessa Redgrave (won)
-Best Motion Picture Director- Fred Zinnemann (lost to Herbert Ross "The Turning Point")
-Best Motion Picture Screenplay (lost to "The Goodbye Girl")

iCarly: Season 1, Volume 1 (2009)

DISCLAIMER:
It's sad that I have to write something like this a decade and a half after I first wrote this review, but here it goes. My praise for the show was based on my viewing of it back then, not now. Many cast and crew members have since come out and criticized producer Dan Schneider's and Nickelodeon's behind-the-scenes behavior. Although slightly edited, this was my initial reaction to the episodes on the DVD, and I do stand by what I saw and liked about the show (which I stopped watching sometime around Season 3).

REVIEW:
I will just state it at the outset. Although I am 40 years old, and "iCarly," the hit Nickelodeon sitcom, is meant for my children, I honestly think it is the funniest comedy on television right now.

Carly Shay (Miranda Cosgrove) is a junior high schooler in Seattle, living with her older twenty-something brother, pop artist Spencer (Jerry Trainor). Their father is in the military, stationed overseas, and the two live in a giant three story loft apartment with an elevator. Carly's best friend, and budding juvenile delinquent, is Sam (Jennette McCurdy) who lives with her as-yet-unseen mom. The two also pal around with Freddie (Nathan Kress), a technical whiz whose love for Carly is well known.

Carly, Sam, and Freddie webcast the internet show "iCarly," and the Nickelodeon series follows their rising popularity, and dealings with everyday life at school and home. The DVD features thirteen episodes from the show's first season, plus some special features. I have listed each episode individually, along with a capsule review, and my IMDB.com rating (1-10, with 10 being the best), and favorite line from the episode:

DISC ONE
"iPilot" (written by Dan Schneider, directed by Steve Hoefer)
Because this is the pilot episode, there is some pretty obvious plot exposition mixed into the story of how Carly, Sam, and Freddie decided to do a webcast. We also get to meet sympathetic school Principal Franklin (Tim Russ) and mean teacher Miss Briggs (a hysterical Mindy Sterling). Despite the newness and some awkwardness (Freddie luckily loses the shrillness after this episode), I laughed all the way through. 7/10.
Favorite line: "Yeah, except he doesn't have Miss Briggs' crazy pointy boobs."

"iWant More Viewers" (written by Steve Holland & Steve Molaro, directed by Adam Weissman)
Freddie and Spencer team up against Carly and Sam to see who can come up with the best idea to get more viewers. Hysterical from start to finish, especially the "Messin' With Lewbert" bit. 9/10.
Favorite line: "Pee on Carl?"

"iHatch Chicks" (written by Steven Molaro, directed by David Kendall)
A science experiment goes wrong and Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer, and Freddie's science project partner Duke must find six lost baby chicks in the giant three story apartment. Consistently funny, with many memorable lines. 9/10.
Favorite line (tough call): "Wow, I've never seen dried beef make a boy so happy."

"iDream of Dance" (written by Dan Schneider, directed by Adam Weissman)
The "iCarly" team decide to open their site to dance videos from their viewers, and are inundated with over three thousand. The trio slogs through a few hundred, fall asleep, and dream themselves into some nicely choreographed dance routines. The music is fun, the backup dancers are sensational, and Trainor's final dance sealed this as my favorite episode of the first season. 10/10.
Favorite lines (no way I could come up with just one): "How dare you children boo a dancing Scotsman!," "Because I move my legs in a fiery explosion of flailing limbs and floppy passion, wanna see it?," "If he's a nub, then someday I want to be Mrs. Carly Nub," "Get out of here, Gibby, this is my nightmare!," and "Oh, Juiceboy's got a friend."

"iLike Jake" (written by Dan Schneider, directed by Steve Hoefer)
When Jake (Austin Butler), the hottest guy in school, breaks up with his girlfriend, Carly books him on the web show so he can sing, not realizing he is terrible. Strong plot and pacing, and nice work from Butler. 8/10.
Favorite line: "The internet can distort room size."

"iWanna Stay with Spencer" (written by Arthur Gradstein, directed by Adam Weissman)
After Carly almost gets hurt by one of Spencer's nutty sculptures, their grandfather decides Carly needs to come live with him in Yakima. Trainor really gets to shine here. 8/10.
Favorite line: "What's her next phase? Stealing cars? Swimming with hobos?"

"iNevel" (written by Steve Holland, directed by Steve Hoefer)
My second favorite episode has Carly meeting Nevel, an eleven year old boy who gives "iCarly" a bad review on his hugely popular website after Carly rejects his advances. I don't know if he was eligible, but Reed Alexander is Emmy-worthy as Nevel. 10/10.
Favorite line: "Do you feel the rue? Ya feel it!"

DISC TWO
"iScream on Halloween" (written by Jake Farrow, directed by Steve Hoefer)
In this Halloween themed episode, Carly, Sam, and Freddie webcast from a haunted apartment in their building while Spencer tries to carve a giant pumpkin and keep trick or treaters at bay (he forgot to buy candy). A lesser episode in the "iCarly" canon, but still funny here and there. 6/10.
Favorite line: "You gotta sick mama!"

"iSpy a Mean Teacher" (written by Steven Molaro, directed by Steve Hoefer)
Carly and Freddie decide to follow Miss Briggs around with a video camera to see what teachers do outside of school, and end up getting trapped in her apartment. Very, very funny stuff, with the entire cast doing well. 9/10.
Favorite lines (tie): "My Aunt Maggie's boobs look more real than that, and they're ridiculous," and "You dented my blow stick and punctured my squeeze bag!"

"iWant to Date Freddie" (written by Steve Holland, directed by Adam Weissman)
Freddie's new girlfriend Valerie wants to do a web show of her own, and tries to steal both Freddie and Sam from "iCarly." More fast moving than a network sitcom, with Freddie's first date and Valerie's web show the highlights. 9/10.
Favorite line: "You won't get respect if your back's not erect."

"iWant a World Record" (written by Dan Schneider, directed by Roger Christiansen)
Carly, Sam, and Freddie try to get into the Jonas Book of World Records by continuously streaming their webshow for over twenty-four hours. Typically surreal, and funny, episode with excellent supporting guest cast. 9/10.
Favorite line: "I'm obsessed with the fattest priest. The chubby ones mean nothing to me."

"iRue the Day" (written by Dan Schneider, directed by David Kendall)
Nevel returns to ruin "iCarly" just as they are getting the pop group Plain White T's on the webcast. Alexander as Nevel still cracks me up. 8/10.
Favorite line: "You feel it, Carly? You feel the rue? Ya feel it!"

"iPromise Not to Tell" (written by Dicky Murphy, directed by Steve Hoefer)
The final episode of this two disc set has Sam hacking into the school's computer and changing Carly and Freddie's grades. They then lie to family and school administration to cover for Sam. Chock full of funny lines, which make up for a couple of awkwardly played scenes. 8/10.
Favorite line: "Hobos can't afford cable."

EXTRAS
"Leave it All to Me" Music Video
Cosgrove also sings the infectious theme song to the series, with a little help from former "Drake & Josh" co-star Drake Bell. The video is kind of meh, but the song will stay with you for days. 7/10.

Extended and Exclusive Making of the Video "Leave it All to Me"
The "iCarly" cast also appears in the music video, and are pretty entertaining behind the scenes, too. 7/10.

Behind-the-Scenes Extras
These video bites are about ninety seconds long, and show the cast goofing off behind the scenes. All of them are naturally funny, although you won't learn any huge insight here. 7/10.

So, what can I say? I am a forty year old man who laughs at junior high antics. My one complaint about the DVD collection is that a couple of the shows are out of order, which makes for some "huh?" moments when we meet new characters. I have been keeping up with Season 2, with "iPie" quite possibly one of the funniest sitcom episodes in Nickelodeon history. I can find nothing bad about the cast, all of them shine, including guest and recurring characters like Freddie's mom (Mary Scheer) and evil doorman Lewbert. Miranda Cosgrove, Jennette McCurdy, Nathan Kress, and Jerry Trainor have great unmatched chemistry onscreen.

Sure, you might watch this and not find it that hilarious, and that's okay. I am completely immature. You can have your "Two and a Half Men" (which is only funny when that kid is on), I will take my "iCarly" DVD set with its running jokes (hobo jokes, the word 'nub') and giggle alone, waiting anxiously for Season 1, Volume 2 to come out in a little while. I told everyone at work I bought this set for my kids, and that is partially true, but I think I enjoy it more.

Crazy White Boys (2004)

The video opens with the following important disclaimer: "Warning: The shit in this video has been performed and supervised by Crazy White Boys. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. If you do, and get fucked up, it's on you asshole. We're not responsible for your bullshit antics." What follows is fifty minutes of junk, but with a couple of inspired segments that barely lift this above a "Jackass" clone.

The opening stunt involves a bunch of motorcycles flying down a California freeway, when one of the riders stands on the tank of his bike with a bus right behind him. The cops then pull him over, something you never see on "Jackass.". For every one of these segments, you get three on the level of the drunk college student on spring break unknowingly chugging pee. The cops arrive again after the Boys buy a used car and proceed to destroy the thing, all for the cameras. Another disclaimer reads "Non-professional driver on an open course."

The video is at its worst when it was at its most repulsive. Vomiting, fights, a night vision video of a mousetrap in action, a guy biting the heads off of live fish, all were not only gross but a little dull to anyone who has been jaded by shockumentaries and reality TV. Scott Lane does a boring stint about how to get free food from McDonald's. The guys destroy the interior of a house with motorbikes. Man lights genitalia on fire. More and more vomiting. There is a drive-by paintball shooting, which is going to be real unfunny some day when a victim pulls a Glock and blows some of these merry pranksters away. The worst segment might be a bunch of drunks commenting on terrorists.

However, once in a great while something funny or entertaining would work. The Boys spoof bum fighting by giving the participants actual martial arts skills. There is a pornographic segment involving what look like Barbie and Ken dolls. Two large breasted women box topless. Lane goes to meet his hero, "Jackass"'s Steve-O, by tackling him onstage during a live performance. Steve-O is pissed-o, which makes Scott, and me, laugh out loud. The Boys booby trap a bicycle, then plant it in Newport Beach and videotape it. No one steals it, so they run it to Compton and find a victim. Another piece of tape captures a world record setting cross country wheelie.

"Crazy White Boys" works when they are not being "Jackass" and doing their own original wild stuff. You could call this a negative review, but I doubt my opinion is going to matter to these people.

Stats:
(2004) 50 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Alan Sharpe
-Written by Loring Mandel
-Featuring Scott Lane, Steve-O, Jim Brown, Alan Sharpe, Matt Caldwell, Brian Fitzpatrick, Jimmy Fitzpatrick, Justin Guarino, Josh Harville, Kenny Hill, Jackson James, Scott Keen, Danny Lamping
(Unrated)

Conspiracy (2001)

During World War II, fifteen men meet for a boring sounding meeting now dubbed the "Wannsee Conference." They smoke, eat, argue, and eventually agree, or are forced to agree. The direct result of this meeting is the annihilation of six million men, women, and children.

As the German army was stalled in their bid to reach Moscow, the "Jewish problem" was getting out of hand and draining Nazi resources. Adolf Hitler orders a group of men to meet in private to discus the final solution to the Jewish problem, and this film, based on the only surviving transcript of the meeting, shows agreement was not unanimous. Kenneth Branagh plays General Heydrich, the military architect of the plan, with the loyal Lieutenant Colonel Adolf Eichmann (Stanley Tucci) at his side. They are criticized and questioned by Stuckart (Colin Firth) and Kritzinger (David Threlfall), who worry about the lawfulness of an action such as "evacuating" eleven million Jews.

The original meeting was only two hours, the film runs ninety five minutes, but the viewer will be chilled for days after watching this. Frank Pierson smartly keeps the entire film in just a couple of rooms and some brief outdoor shots. Claustrophobia immediately sets in, much like "12 Angry Men." The entire cast is brilliant, with Branagh scoring extra points for playing evil so charismatically, and Tucci, who plays Eichmann as a humorless efficient just following orders. Loring Mandel's screenplay shows the division right away between the military and the politicians, with the military basically taking control of the final solution. The creepiest aspect of the film are scenes involving the specifics of what makes a person a Jew in Nazi eyes, and the vast numbers of people they planned to murder in order to rid the continent of Jews, eleven and a half million in one year, as soon as the camps were built. The meeting was called under the guise of finding a way to rid the continent of the Jewish race, but many of the military men involved already had their marching orders about what they were to do and how to do it. Tucci quoting the figures concerning the thousands of Polish mental deficients already gassed with carbon monoxide is scary enough, but when the men joke about the color of the bodies, it was very difficult.

"Conspiracy" is another fine entry in the World War II genre of film. Every aspect works, you may find yourself in utter disbelief, as I was, when you see how many of the participants survived the war and returned to civilian life, living for decades after the meeting's subjects were murdered. A film that truly disturbs.

Stats:
(2001) 96 min. (10/10)
-Directed by Frank Pierson
-Written by Loring Mandel
-Cast: Kenneth Branagh, Stanley Tucci, Colin Firth, David Threlfall, Simon Markey, Tom Hiddleston, Kevin McNally, Peter Sullivan, Ben Daniels, Brian Pettifer, Ewan Stewart, Barnaby Kay, Nicholas Woodeson
(R)
*BAFTA*
-Best Single Drama- TV (won)
-Best Actor TV- Kenneth Branagh (lost to Albert Finney "The Gathering Storm")

Conquest (1983)

Ah, Lucio Fulci. This infamous Italian director is most famous for "Zombie," and the unwatchable "The Psychic" and "Manhattan Baby." Well, add this film to the unwatchable list.

The plot, as it were, concerns a nude woman who wears a gold mask and a G-string. She wants the power of a young dubbed man who has a set of magic arrows and a bow. They are magic because they glow. Arrow Boy teams up with a guy in a bad wig, and they spend most of the movie rescuing each other from flat action sequences.

Fulci bathes every shot in an orange glow and fills the screen with smoke. The special effects are laughable. In one sequence, our duo are attacked by dozens of arrows that are obviously pin scratches on the film itself. The majority of the effects budget must have been spent on the Fulci-licious gore, which consists of spurting wounds. The spurting wound overkill gets boring. I kept having to play with the brightness setting on my TV to see what the heck was happening. There is lots of talk of fulfilling omens and prophecies, so let me do a little look into the future- if you find this movie and watch it, you will regret it. The scene on the VHS video box by Media and the movie poster does not appear in the film in any context whatsoever. "Conquest" is a con job.

Stats:
(1983) 88 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Lucio Fulci
-Screenplay by Gino Capone & Jose Antonio de la Loma & Carlos Vasallo, Story by Giovanni Di Clemente
-Cast: Jorge Rivero, Andrea Occhipinti, Conrado San Martin, Violeta Cela, Jose Gras, Gioia Scola, Sabrina Siani
(R)

Ticker (2001)

Director Albert Pyun has said the studio pulled funding for "Ticker" midway through and, despite the name cast, he had to work with what he had- nothing. Pyun was a talented director, and I sympathize with him.

Sometimes a film comes along whose reputation is so bad that it must be seen to be believed. "Ticker" is even worse than I was expecting. Tom Sizemore plays a cop in San Francisco who recently lost his wife and son in a car bombing. Steven Seagal is a bomb squad leader who had a job go wrong, killing many innocent people. Dennis Hopper is a mad bomber who comes to San Francisco to bomb a big target. His girlfriend (Jaime Pressly) is being held by the police. As Sizemore and Seagal try to figure out Hopper's master plan, Hopper starts blowing up most of the city in order to get Pressly released. You will forgive the lack of character names, but I honestly did not want to put this disc back in my DVD player when I was done watching it and take notes.

Where to begin? The bones of an action film are here, but the production is hurried, shots poorly planned, and the script is laughable. There is no "bigness" to the film. No menace. No suspense. This is an hour and a half of nonsensical dialogue ("Don't you die on me!"), the worst performances of all involved, and an attitude that what the film makers are dishing up is on par with "Die Hard" or "Speed." Although released in 2001, the film takes an oh-so-timely jab at the Reagan administration. Trying to engage this on anything more than a terrible movie is like trying to discuss the national debt with a zoo monkey as it flings its feces at you.

"Ticker" is truly one of the worst films of all-time, with most of the blame falling squarely on the studio.

Stats:
(2001) 92 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Albert Pyun
-Written by Paul B. Margolis
-Cast: Tom Sizemore, Dennis Hopper, Steven Seagal, Nas, Jaime Pressly, Rozonda "Chilli" Thomas, Peter Greene, Joe Spano, Kevin Gage, Michael Halsey, Norbert Weisser, Romany Malco, Mimi Rose
(R)

Unspeakable (2003)

This cornball horror flick feels like a two hour set up to a better film.

Scientist Diana (Dina Meyer) has created a new machine that can read people's minds, and she is trying it out on criminals. She uses it on poor Cesar (Marco Rodriguez), accused of murdering a border patrol agent. Cesar is executed, but Diana and her assistant Jack (a sleeping Lance Henriksen) know he is innocent. Recently captured crazed notorious serial killer Mowatt (screenwriter Pavan Grover) is up next on death row. Diana hooks up her dorky machine, but Mowatt is very different. He can will people to do things like commit suicide. He can use the machine to read Diana's mind, as well. Diana wants to study Mowatt more, but the governor (Jeff Fahey) won't allow it, despite his past relationship with Diana. As psychotic penitentiary warden Blakely (Dennis Hopper) pushes Mowatt's execution date closer, Diana seems to be the only person interested in seeing him live.

From the beginning, "Unspeakable" cannot get anything right. Diana and Jack are serious medical scientist types, but crumble and grimace at all the executions and autopsies, as if they never saw blood in medical school. Mowatt might be the Devil, might be Man Evolved, but mostly he is a big giant question mark who is never explained. The film spends too much time on the innocent Cesar storyline, which goes nowhere. Dina Meyer was still looking for that breakout role that would propel this talented woman into the big leagues, but this was not it. She channels Jodie Foster's Clarice Starling. Henriksen is so laid back, I honestly forgot he was in the film whenever he was not onscreen. Hopper does another over-the-top performance like we have never seen "the crazed warden" character before. Likewise with Fahey's turn as the politician more concerned with the upcoming election than anything else. Yawn.

The direction is okay, the gore effects are good, but I kept waiting for something to happen during "Unspeakable." After the film ended, I am still waiting. "Unspeakable." Unwatchable. Unbelievable.

Stats:
(2003) 108 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Thomas J. Wright
-Written by Pavan Grover
-Cast: Pavan Grover, Dennis Hopper, Dina Meyer, Lance Henriksen, Jeff Fahey, Marco Rodriguez, Michelle Wolff, Mark Voltura, Miguel Perez, J.D. Garfield, Angelo Jaramillo, George Michael Tapia, Audra Wise
(R)

Virus (1999)

When I first saw the previews for this, I assumed it took place in space onboard a ship taken over by an alien. Even the video box looks space bound. Wrong.

A boat crew loses their cargo in a typhoon (which do not necessarily spring up out of nowhere anymore, having lived through quite a few of them in the Far East) and comes across a seemingly abandoned Russian space communications ship while waiting in the storm's eye. The Russian ship could be salvaged, and the crew decides to take it and redeem the millions of dollars they think they will get. The crew discovers a Russian scientist Nadia (Joanna Pacula) onboard who tells them what happened. Apparently, and this was shown in the beginning of the film, an alien lifeforce took over the Mir space station, then the ship in the water. It is electronic in nature, and uses humans for "spare parts" as it builds machine/human hybrids to do its bidding. A lot of things blow up after that, all headed toward the predictable finale.

Jamie Lee Curtis is the navigator Foster, but is not given a lot to do except cough and call out other characters' names in dark corridors. One of the Baldwin brothers comes along for the ride. Donald Sutherland is the stereotypical mentally unbalanced captain of the American ship. He has some kind of strange accent that sounds Scottish one minute, and Canadian the next. The rest of the doomed crew consists of expendable characters and crusty cowards. As Nadia, Joanna Pacula has done better. The entire film is full of characters wandering down creepy hallways, "checking on" each other. People get separated, and the real gore comes about thanks to the machines. The special effects are pretty incredible. From the opening space shots, to the typhoon effects, to the very gory hybrids, I thought they were the best thing about the film. The cast tries hard. The film looks expensive, and special effects guru Bruno's direction is excellent. The musical score is a little clangy, and the cinematography (especially a closing sunrise shot) is lush.

There is nothing underneath the surface of "Virus." Characters go tromping after noises they hear in the dark. The crew stumbles across a stash of guns that seems prerequisite in all sci-fi/horror films. Jamie Lee Curtis is lusted after by the rest of the crew as she remains serious so she can be taken seriously. They even throw in a fake ending to get your blood rushing again after 100 minutes of yelling, gore, and explosions. What we have here is a spaceship movie that takes place in the oceangoing ship concerning a computer virus. What we also have here is a lot of cliche dressed up with pretty pictures, an expensive look, and great effects.

Stats:
(1999) 99 min. (4/10)
-Directed by John Bruno
-Screenplay by Chuck Pfarrer and Dennis Feldman based on the comic book series created by Chuck Pfarrer
-Cast: Jamie Lee Curtis, William Baldwin, Donald Sutherland, Joanna Pacula, Marshall Bell, Sherman Augustus, Cliff Curtis, Julio Oscar Mechoso, Yuri Chervotkin, Keith Flippen, Olga Rzhepetskaya-Retchin, Levani, David Eggby
(R)

Nightmare Castle (1965)

Horror legend Barbara Steele takes a dual role in this cornball, "gory" Gothic story that is screaming for a remake.

Unfeeling cynic Stephen (Paul Muller) is one of those movie scientists who spends the entire running time of a motion picture excusing himself to go to his laboratory, working on generic experiments. His shrewish wife Muriel (Barbara Steele) is dallying with stable boy/handyman David (Rik Battaglia), and the two are discovered and murdered by Dr. Stephen. In the background lurks elderly Solange (Helga Line, sporting terrible old age make-up). Stephen drains Muriel's blood, burns the couple's bodies, and then goes in search of Jenny (also Barbara Steele), Muriel's look-alike sibling.

It seems Muriel changed her will so that Jenny inherits everything, and lucky for our villainous doctor, Jenny is nuts. Quicker than you can check the running time on the film, Stephen has married Jenny and brings her home, where she meets Solange, who is suddenly younger looking. Solange and Stephen decide to poison Jenny, sparking a return of her insanity, but there's a problem- Jenny has a "nightmare," and sees outlandish things, but had not taken any of the solution Stephen prepared. Is she crazy on her own, reacting to a very real haunted castle? Or has Muriel come back from the dead to possess Jenny's body? A visit from Jenny's old hunky doctor Dereck (Marino Mase) should clear up all of these questions.

"Nightmare Castle" is one of those films in the public domain, meaning anyone can grab and show a copy. There are a variety of running times, cast and crew pseudonyms, and picture quality prints out there. When you find a copy of this- I counted at least six different versions on YouTube alone, but screened a cheap DVD version for review- you need to take all of this into account. This isn't a very good film by any means, but Caiano uses his limited resources to the extreme. The set is nicely decorated, the shadowy cinematography works, and Caiano does some nice things with his camera. The small cast and castle setting make this feel stagy at times. The performers' performances are hard to judge since the dubbing on the film is atrocious. Ennio Morricone delivers an odd score.

"Nightmare Castle" is passable time-filler, in all it's versions. Not scary or great, but it could make you reminisce about the long-gone late late shows on independent television stations.

Stats:
(1965) 90 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Mario Caiano
-Story and Screenplay by Mario Caiano and Fabio De Agostini
-Cast: Barbara Steele, Paul Muller, Rik Battaglia, Helga Line, Marino Mase, Giuseppe Addobbati
(Not Rated)

Sisters of Death (1976)

This 1970's relic is a clever little thriller with plenty of twists and turns and the over-the-top finale is fun. Too bad the film makers don't make the best of the nubile female cast and fantastic setting, instead dwelling in technical mistakes and iffy pacing.

The film opens with a ceremony inducting two new members into a group called the Sisters. One of the initiation rites involves putting a gun to the newbie's heads, but it goes off, killing Liz (Elizabeth Bergen). The other half dozen Sisters are rightfully horrified. Cut to seven years later, and all of the Sisters receive invitations to a reunion. They gather, and are driven out to the location by two hired men (Paul Carr, Joe E. Tata), who have never met their boss. The Sisters are obviously intimidated by the mystery, and the guys hang around hoping to score with the women. The partygoers find themselves trapped in the remote mansion by an active electrical fence, and the murderous Sisters are slowly being picked off one by one.

I collectively refer to the women as the Sisters, because aside from Claudia Jennings as model Judy, none of the other characters stuck out in my mind. The two brunettes looked so much alike, and Jennings resembles another brown haired Sister, I thought everyone might be related in real life. Just when you think you know who is creeping off with who, who might be in on the murderous plot, and who just got killed, their doppelganger pops up and you think "oh, wait, isn't she dead?" Old pro Arthur Franz plays a good bad guy, and the location is wonderful. The screenplay does generate some tension here and there, but an over-enthusiastic boom microphone will suddenly fall into a shot and kill the mood. By the time the climax rolls around, where a very large gun makes a laugh-worthy entrance, my patience had run out. As with many of these public domain films, this screenplay is screaming for a remake.

Star Claudia Jennings should have had a big career in television and films, but her life was cut short three years after this film was released- she died in a car accident. Her charisma comes through onscreen. She found herself trapped in many exploitation films, had been a Playboy Playmate, but seemed to be on the cusp of bigger things at the time of her death. "Sisters of Death" serves as a reminder of what could have been.

Stats:
(1976) 87 min. (3/10)
-Directed by Joe Mazzuca
-Screenplay by Peter Arnold & Elwyn Richards, Original Story by Elwyn Richards
-Cast: Arthur Franz, Claudia Jennings, Cheri Howell, Sherry Boucher, Paul Carr, Joe E. Tata, Sherry Alberoni, Roxanne Albee, Elizabeth Bergen, Paul Fierro, Vern Mathison
(PG)

27 Dresses (2008)

As I sat through the almost two-hour running time for this film, I kept thinking the same thing over and over again: there is not one laugh to be had here, but I have to keep watching just in case the film makers throw cliche out the window and do something different- and they don't.

Jane (Katherine Heigl) is a responsible young woman who works for hunky George (Edward Burns? Really?). She's in love with him, of course, but she is also in love with weddings. Lots of weddings. She thrives on helping good friends through the biggest day of their lives, and has the titular twenty-seven bridesmaid dresses in her closet to prove it. One night, while trying to attend two weddings at the same time, she meets rapscallion Kevin (James Marsden), who is immediately taken with Jane. Conveniently, Jane's "better looking" sister Tess (Malin Akerman) comes back to town, lies her way into George's arms, and suddenly the two are engaged. Jane tries to turn to cynical Kevin, but he conveniently writes her must-read wedding column in a fictitious New York paper, and in actuality hates weddings. Secretly, he is working on an article about Jane and all of her big days, ready to get out of the Style section for good. Jane's careful life begins unraveling as George and Tess' big day nears.

"27 Dresses" has all the cliches. ALL OF THEM. Judy Greer is along to play Jane's oversexed bestie (I'm hard pressed to remember her not playing this same role in other films and on television). Kevin has a sex-minded pal (Maulik Pancholy), too, but they don't seem to be that close. The cast gamely goes through the motions, and I really felt my age when Brian Kerwin popped up as Jane and Tess' dad- there was a time a few years ago when he could have played Marsden's part. Every plot point is telegraphed, and it was painful to watch a capable cast pretend that what they were doing was unique. The final shot is nice, but the film runs about twenty minutes too long.

So why not a one-star review? Rake it over the coals? Two words: Katharine Heigl. She is fantastic. Her comic timing is impeccable, she's fun to watch, and seeing Jane react to Tess gunning for the man she loves is a treat. Everyone else is so involved in their own lives, they don't see Jane suffering in silence, barely able to utter complete sentences. Heigl pulls this role off so well, she soars above the sub-par material she was given. When Jane and Kevin meet cute for the first time, both performers must take deep breaths in order to release every double entendre and verbal barb that screenwriter Aline Brosh McKenna has cooked up. A lot of the quips could have been spaced out later into the film, when lethargy sets in because you know exactly what will happen next.

In the end, "27 Dresses" is standard stuff, and I don't recommend it.

Stats:
(2008) 111 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Anne Fletcher
-Written by Aline Brosh McKenna
-Cast: Katherine Heigl, James Marsden, Edward Burns, Malin Akerman, Judy Greer, Maulik Pancholy, Brian Kerwin, Charli Barcena, Peyton List, Jane Pfitsch, Jennifer Lim, Brigitte Bourdeau, Danielle Skraastad
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: DVD

The Work of Director Spike Jonze (2003)

The "Work of Director Spike Jonze" DVD features many of the music videos and short films done by the notorious directing legend, who had graduated from music video icon status into feature film stardom when this was released. Jonze cut his teeth on such music videos as Fatboy Slim's "Praise You" and the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage", and has managed to notch some of my all-time favorites along the way. Let's take a look at how the Jonze collection stacks up:

Side A of the DVD features the following videos, complete with interviews and audio commentaries on some of the clips:

"California" -Wax
A guy runs to catch a bus in slow motion- and he is on fire. Catchy song with a creepy video. (4/5*)

"Sure Shot"- Beastie Boys
I watched this collection when I was 35 years old, I'm in my fifties now, and I don't have to like rap music if I don't want to. (1/5*)

"Drop"- The Pharcyde
The camera captured the rap group doing the song backward, then ran the clip forward, resulting in a visually interesting effect on yet another generic rap song. (2/5*)

"Cannonball"- The Breeders
A great song from the early to mid 90's, when alternative music was kicking '80's pop out the door- before falling victim to the hip hop tidal wave. (5/5*)

"Sabotage"- Beastie Boys
This homage to gritty '70's police shows is considered groundbreaking, I found it annoying. (1/5*)

"Da Funk"- Daft Punk
A large talking dog wanders the streets of New York City, playing his radio. I was more interested in the song than the dog. (2/5*)

"What's Up Fatlip"- Fatlip
More rap, a guy in a diaper, it must mean something...(see the documentary on Side B to find out what) (2/5*)

"Undone (The Sweater Song)"- Weezer
A whimsical clip, all done in one shot, as the band plays an equally whimsical song. I never thought much of Weezer until I saw the Jonze videos. (4/5*)

"Praise You"- Fatboy Slim
The now infamous live street performance of the Torrance Community Dance Group, one of the greatest videos ever made. (5/5*)

"Feel the Pain"- Dinosaur Jr.
Another imaginative video, as two band members play golf on the streets of Manhattan. Lovely shots of the World Trade Center, and that distinctive Dinosaur Jr. sound. (5/5*)

"If I Only Had a Brain"- MC 900ft Jesus
If you only had a listenable song. Another rapping white boy in a dumb video, as he mails himself and has various adventures inside the box. Does Eminem really think he was the first one to do this? (1/5*)

"Sky's the Limit"- The Notorious B.I.G.
Jonze redoes another one of those "livin' large" videos, but this time casts kids in the roles of the rapper and his cronies. Inspired by personal fave "Bugsy Malone," too bad someone didn't use whipped cream guns on Tupac and Biggie. Could have shown how stupid these videos eventually became, and yet they are still being made... (2/5*)

"Weapon of Choice"- Fatboy Slim
Christopher Walken tap dances around a hotel to Slim's song. Excellent video, listening to Walken's commentary only adds to the fun. Fatboy Slim is right, the expression on Walken's face during the video makes one think he is "about to pull out a gun and shoot everybody." (5/5*)

"Buddy Holly"- Weezer
Why did we watch "Happy Days" back in the day? "Laverne and Shirley" was funnier. The Weezer guys are put into Arnold's set, and entertain Fonz and the gang. Technically good, but I liked the song, too. (4/5*)

"Elektrobank"- The Chemical Brothers
Future Oscar winner Sofia Coppola (who finished her penance for her performance in "The Godfather Part III" when she started directing) plays a gymnast with a floor routine. Some of the editing is a bit choppy, but it works overall. (4/5*)

"It's Oh So Quiet"- Bjork
I don't know about you, but Bjork scares me. The song is weird, the old fashioned dance number is kind of fun...but Bjork just plain scares me. (3/5*)


Side B features "rarities" (very short films), and three short documentaries:

Rarities:

"How They Got There"
Answers the age old question of how shoes end up in street gutters. Alternately hilarious and horrifying. (5/5*)

"Mark Paints"
A guy named Mark paints a picture, then a kid paints over it, and then I went on with my life. (3/5*)

"The Oasis Video That Never Happened"
Jonze went to England to do a music video for the Oasis song "Stand by Me." He videotaped ideas from common people in England, and was going to use the best ideas to shoot the video. The band did not like the idea, so Jonze edited together the citizens just talking about the video that never was. Jonze went on to do feature films and earn an Oscar nomination. As for Oasis... (4/5*)

"The Woods"
A guy skateboards in the woods. A perfectly timed piece of fluff. (4/5*)

"Rockafella Skank- Fatboy Slim"
A variation on the music video for "Praise You," has Jonze solo in his Richard Koufey guise, dancing for the unappreciative people of L.A. Still love the song, and Richard dances his little heart out. (5/5*)

Documentaries:

"What's Up Fatlip? (the documentary)"
While shooting the music video, Jonze kept the camera rolling, catching a formally hot rapper down on his luck. This should be required viewing for everyone on the hip hop charts today, and throw in some of those reality show contestants as well. Fatlip's transvestite story had me incredulous, but when he talks about supporting his six kids with a job at Burger King, then admits he does not have six kids, you can see Fatlip is still trying to live the rapper's dream life. Strong, fascinating stuff. (5/5*)

"Amarillo by Morning"
Jonze interviews a group of Texas high schoolers who have big dreams of making it big on the rodeo circuit. Equally interesting and dull, it could be considered Jonze's most normal work on the DVD. (3/5*)

"Torrance Rises"
Jonze returns as Richard Boufey, tracing the Torrance dance troupe's trip to New York City for a live performance at the 1999 Music Video Awards. Funny mockumentary. (4/5*)

In addition to all the above there is a small postcard sized 52 page book interview with Jonze, where he talks about early videos, and meeting directors Michel Gondry and Chris Cunningham, who also happen to have DVD compilations by the same company.

While not all of Jonze's stuff is my cup of tea, I think this DVD compilation is a brilliant idea. I reviewed this during the death rattle of music video channels, so it was nice to see uninterrupted music videos. No little screens opening up as some stuttering twink screams shout outs to their peeps, no ticker, no vacuous VJ droning on about Chingy, thinking that makes them hip. MTV and VH1 are shells of their former selves, and today's teen culture will never know the thrill that the videos themselves brought, not a bunch of lame reality shows.

"The Work of Director Spike Jonze" is a worthwhile DVD for fans and aspiring film makers alike. Many will find something here to watch, Jonze cannot be accused of sticking to just one angle or idea, and milking it.

Stats:
(2003) 200 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Spike Jonze, Roman Coppola
-Featuring Spike Jonze, Christopher Walken, Sofia Coppola, Fatlip, Bjork, Beastie Boys, Weezer, The Breeders
(Not Rated)

"The Twilight Zone" {"One for the Angels" # 1.2} (1959)

Ed Wynn is Lou Bookman, a pitchman who tries to sell anything he can out of his suitcase, usually embellishing facts about ordinary things like thread and neckties.

He is being watched by a mysterious man played by Murray Hamilton. The man follows Lou back to his modest one room apartment, and tells him he is Death and must take him at midnight, unless Lou can delay it with one of three loopholes. Lou has no family, save a bunch of neighborhood children who love playing with his toy merchandise, he is not on the verge of a scientific breakthrough, and he has no unfinished business. Lou convinces Death that he wants to make a big sale, a big pitch that would cause the skies to open, "one for the angels." Death concedes, and Lou promptly retires, never to pitch again, and buying himself a few years. Death has another plan, and Lou gives the pitch of a lifetime.

While this episode, written by Serling, is more predictable than others, it succeeds thanks to Wynn and Hamilton. Wynn has always been great onscreen, and the viewer quickly likes and feels for him. Hamilton's Death is not threatening at all, he is more of a bureaucrat, but he plays the role coolly.

This is a good first season entry in the "The Twilight Zone" body of work.

Stats:
(1959) 25 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Robert Parrish
-Written and Created by Rod Serling
-Cast: Ed Wynn, Murray Hamilton, Dana Dillaway, Jay Overholts, Merritt Bohn, Gene Coogan, Raoul Freeman, Mike Lally, Mickey Maga, Murray Pollack, Rod Serling
(Not Rated)

"The Twilight Zone" {"The Lonely" Episode # 1.7} (1959)

Jack Warden plays Corry, a murderer sentenced to the ultimate punishment- fifty years on an asteroid thousands of miles from Earth.

His only human contact is a supply ship that arrives every three months, with Captain Allenbe (John Dehner) aboard. One visit, Allenbe brings a crate. Inside is a robot named Alicia (Jean Marsh). She can feel pain and loneliness, just like Corry, and the two live together and eventually fall in love. A year later, Allenbe arrives with good news. Corry has been pardoned, and all the prisoners on all the asteroids are going home. The problem is there is only enough room on the ship for Corry and fifteen pounds of his belongings, and Alicia weighs much more than that.

Despite an effective Death Valley location and some nice acting by Warden, "The Lonely" is one of the series' least satisfying episodes. The cast is fine, but Serling's script should have been longer. Corry and Alicia's year together is glossed over, so we do not feel the same emotional attachment Corry does when told he must leave her behind. The ending is too pat, as if it was decided on after the shooting started.

This would be ripe for a remake either as a feature film or an hour long episode of one of the many "The Twilight Zone" incarnations that have popped up in the decades since this aired.

Stats:
(1959) 25 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Jack Smight
-Written and Created by Rod Serling
-Cast: Jack Warden, Jean Marsh, John Dehner, Ted Knight, James Turley, Rod Serling
(Not Rated)

"The Twilight Zone" {"Eye of the Beholder" Episode # 2.6} (1960)

A young woman is in a hospital, for the eleventh time, recovering from plastic surgery that will make her look like everybody else.

In this unnamed country, the State has decided that those who are deformed and ugly to the norm should be segregated to communal colonies away from the others. Janet's (Maxine Stuart) doctor is perplexed, and Janet knows this is her last chance to fit in after all the shunning she has been accustomed to since childhood. And then the bandages come off.

Serling's script has tension to burn, even though I had seen this episode before and knew what would happen. Director Heyes heightens the tension with the show's characteristic small settings. Volumes can be found here, issues that are still relevant today- from what society considers normal to self-image. Stuart must act under bandages for most of the show, and the rest of the cast is usually in darkness, but this does not detract from the talent. William Tuttle's makeup effects are also a plus.

Truly one of the best episodes of the show.

Stats:
(1960) 25 min. (10/10)
-Directed by Douglas Heyes
-Written and Created by Rod Serling
-Cast: Maxine Stuart, William D. Gordon, Jennifer Howard, George Keymas, Joanna Heyes, Edson Stroll, Donna Douglas, Rod Serling
(Not Rated)

"The Twilight Zone" {"The Invaders" Episode # 2.15} (1961)

In this infamous episode, Agnes Moorehead plays an unnamed old woman in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. There is no electricity or running water, and she is simply preparing a meal when something lands on her roof. She investigates, and finds a small flying saucer. Two little beings, no bigger than children's toys, invade her home, using their space-age weapons on her as she uses her own simpler instincts to fight back.

If you only know Moorehead from her turn as Endora on "Bewitched," this episode proves why she was nominated for four Academy Awards, seven Emmys (winning one), and two Golden Globes wins over the years. She has no dialogue, works on just one set, and is the only cast member save Rod Serling's trademark opening appearance and a voiceover, yet carries the episode.

A drooling Moorehead, with wild hair and wielding a hatchet, is pretty unglamorous stuff. Heyes' direction is tight, and Richard Matheson's script is simple, doing it all in twenty five minutes.

Stats:
(1961) 25 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Douglas Heyes
-Written by Richard Matheson, Created by Rod Serling
-Cast: Agnes Moorehead, Douglas Heyes, Rod Serling
(Not Rated)

"The Twilight Zone" {"Nothing in the Dark" Episode # 3.16} (1962)

Wanda (Gladys Cooper) has been a shut-in for a long time. You would shut yourself in, too, if you feared death. Wanda has lived for years in the basement of a tenement, never opening the door for anyone in case Mr. Death comes knocking to take her. Instead, young policeman Harold (Robert Redford) is shot and wounded right outside of her door. She brings him in, and begins nursing him back to health, never notifying anyone that he is there. A construction worker (R.G. Armstrong) comes to tear the building down, and all is revealed.

Of all the "Twilight Zone" episodes, this small cast is one of the most impressive. Gladys Cooper does a bang-up job as Wanda, her reminiscing of younger days is sad and touching. Say what you want about him, Redford is great here, sporting such a trustworthy face. His nonthreatening manner is key to the story. Armstrong is always reliable. Despite the one room set, director Johnson does a good job of keeping the pace going. Screenwriter Johnson revisits Serling's oft-told tales of Death personified, and does a nice if not sometimes predictable job with it.

The episode lets us know that we fear things in the dark, yet those fears are still there when the lights are on. A spooky entry in the television canon.

Stats:
(1962) 25 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Lamont Johnson
-Written by George Clayton Johnson, Created by Rod Serling
-Cast: Gladys Cooper, Robert Redford, R.G. Armstrong, Rod Serling
(Not Rated)

NBC News Presents The Last Days of Jesus (2004)

Stone Phillips reports this one hour look at the last days of Jesus, conveniently released to capitalize on the success of "The Passion of the Christ." Originally an episode of "Dateline NBC," Phillips talks to scholars and takes the viewer through the understood history of Jesus' last hours. The producers also take an interesting tact, as the renowned and learned scholars disagree with one another concerning the Gospels and their descriptions of what happened in Jerusalem. No one "wins" the arguments about whether there was really a Judas, or if Pontius Pilate really washed his hands.

The viewer's like or dislike of the DVD will depend on their personal belief system. If you do believe in God, you will agree with everything Bible based and boo the naysayers. If you do not believe in a Christian God, or are agnostic, then you will rally behind the other opinions concerning two thousand years of worship.

The extras on the DVD consist of other shorter reports concerning Jesus and God in our every day life. Do healing miracles happen today? Can science recreate the sensation of being with God? Or did God's presence merely trigger an affect on the brain? There are many questions to ponder here, but nothing too deep to become morose over.

NBC has done a good job of packaging the similar stories together. It is a shame that is must have been done in order to cash in on a successful film, but many Christians will take what they can get...except Peter Jennings' laughable three hour report on Jesus a few months back. I started giggling when one hit wonder Joan Osborne started asking "what if God were one of us?" on the soundtrack as the report tried desperately to be hip.

Either way, whether a testament of a messiah, or a cheap ploy to make some video bucks, you could rent or buy something worse- like "In Search of Historic Jesus"...or "Left Behind"...or...

Stats:
(2004) 60 min. (7/10)
-Featuring Stone Phillips, Paula Fredriksen, Craig A. Evans, Marcus Borg, John Dominic Crossan, N.T. Wright
(Not Rated)

The Pink Panther Film Collection (2004)

The Pink Panther movies will forever be synonymous with the name Peter Sellers. The British comedian made the character of Inspector Clousseau his very own and kept fans laughing for the best part of a decade. Unfortunatley, Sellers is no longer with us, but at least his films have been captured in a single DVD collection. Sadly, this collection of five films plus extras is notable for one conspicuous absence.

Disc 1: "The Pink Panther"
The first Pink Panther film has Peter Sellers reduced to a supporting role, as the film makers were not aware that his character would be such a hit. Sir Charles (David Niven), rumored to be the notorious cat burglar "the Phantom" woos a princess (the drop dead stunningly gorgeous Claudia Cardinale) who also happens to own the Pink Panther, the world's largest diamond. Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers) investigates not aware that his own wife (Capucine) is conspiring with Charles. Since David Niven is the star of the film, he has the most scenes, and some of the slowest ones. Edwards' trademark slapstick is underwhelming in this tepid sex comedy, watch for the seduction scene between Niven, Cardinale, and a tiger skin rug that literally goes on forever, and had me checking the dormant VCR clock. I do recommend the lovely scenery, all in glorious widescreen. (3/5*)

Disc 2: "A Shot in the Dark"
My favorite Inspector Clouseau film has the nitwit investigating a series of murders at a mansion owned by George Sanders. The maid Maria (Elke Sommer) is suspected, and Clouseau falls for her despite the overwhelming evidence that she is guilty. A wonderful balance of slapstick and characterization, with classic scenes all around. In "Son of Pink Panther," Claudia Cardinale plays Maria, confusing anyone who followed the series. This film also first introduced Clouseau's boss Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) and manservant Kato (Burt Kwouk). (5/5*)

Disc 3: "The Pink Panther Strikes Again"
Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) finally goes off the deep end, and builds a doomsday device in order to kill one man- Jacques Clouseau. This may be one of the silliest films ever made, with hit and miss gags, but you can see where the inspiration for Mike Myers' Austin Powers series comes from. Weak special effects do not help, although a Tom Jones song has never been used in a funnier manner. (3/5*)

Disc 4: "Revenge of the Pink Panther"
The last film to feature original footage of Sellers, and the weakest. A multinational conglomerate and the mob all want Clouseau dead, and they think they have succeeded in killing him, so he teams with the company's boss' former secretary Dyan Cannon to catch the bad guys in Hong Kong. There is an over reliance on Clouseau in disguise, perhaps to hide an ailing Sellers, who suffered from a heart condition and died at the young age of 55. The rest of this just is not very funny, or interesting. (2/5*)

Disc 5: "Trail of the Pink Panther"
After Peter Sellers died, Blake Edwards shot this monstrosity around unused footage of Clouseau from previous films. Here, Clouseau is missing and reporter Joanna Lumley investigates, visiting former friends and enemies of the inspector. If Edwards meant this as a tribute, then he is way off base as tired footage from previous films is unsuccessfully intercut with Lumley. Very sad. (1/5*)

Disc 6: Bonus Disc
This disc contains two very interesting documentaries. One traces the birth of the Inspector Clouseau character, featuring interviews with the director and crew. The Pink Panther cartoon character gets his own documentary, and the DVD makers wisely put about ten cartoons on the disc, some of which I have not seen since I was a kid. All in all, very entertaining, considering most "making of" DVD documentaries are as enlightening as Bill Clinton under oath. (5/5*)

All the films are in widescreen presentation, which is great for those of us who have had to suffer through the pan and scan versions of these films on home video for years. A nice collection that I do recommend for fans...what? Something's missing? Christopher Plummer? Yeah, I wondered about that, too. There were no Pink Panther films between "A Shot in the Dark" and "Return of the Pink Panther," which featured Christopher Plummer in the role of Sir Charles. For some unknown reason, that film is not in the collection! Watching the documentaries mention it, and the case being referenced in later films, it is a mystery why this was left off, yet "Trail of the Pink Panther" was included. Of course, "Curse of the Pink Panther" and "Son of the Pink Panther" were also left off, but with good reason since they were awful.

"The Pink Panther Film Collection" is by no means perfect, or complete for that matter. When I wrote this in 2004, Hollywood offered up yet another ill conceived remake, with Steve Martin in the Clouseau role, and Kevin Kline as Dreyfus. At least we have these films to remember how funny Sellers was, and how good Edwards used to be.

Cell (2016)

The behind-the-scenes drama surrounding the financing, making, and distribution of this film, based on Stephen King's novel, is more interesting than the film itself, which is yet another post-apocalyptic road movie that owes plenty to King's previous works.

Clay (a tired John Cusack) is a graphic novel writer who is finally making it big. His estranged wife and son live in northern New England, and he has just arrived in a Boston airport with his good career news. Everyone's on their cell phones, when suddenly people start going insane and killing others around them. Planes collide and crash to the ground in all their computer animated glory (more on that later), and Clay flees, finding himself underground in a subway tunnel where cell phone signals cannot reach. He meets up with Tom (Samuel L. Jackson), and they head to Clay's apartment, picking up neighbor Alice (Isabelle Fuhrman) along the way (she killed her own mother, which she seems to shake off rather quickly). The trio set out for Clay's family's home, he is confident that despite the chaos going on around them, his wife and son are going to be alright. The impossible trek turns into an information gathering field trip, as our group of heroes meet up with various characters who all offer input as to what is happening, and the audience has to delineate the facts as well. The climax of the film has gained cult status for its lousy, cheesy special effects.

From what I have read online, "Cell" seems to have been a doomed production from the start. King co-wrote the screenplay, but there were financing issues with a ton of production companies listed in the opening credits. The lack of a sure budget means what should have been some epic set-pieces like the opening airport scene, a mass cell-zombie extermination on a soccer field, and the climax are treated to special effects that are more at home on a YouTube fan film channel. The film itself debuted online, then opened in a handful of theaters (has this marketing strategy ever worked?), and the DVD/Digital copy I purchased was in the $5 bargain bin at Wal-Mart, despite coming out about a year before. Director Williams has done other films, but he seems to have been hamstrung in his creative efforts here. He is the only one who participated on the audio commentary (I couldn't sit through this again to listen to it), and it's very telling that his behind-the-scenes featurette interview is done with a giant green screen in the background. The computer animation effects are awful. The climax should have been effective and creepy, but I couldn't stop guffawing at the Video Toaster-like effects (there's a early 1990's reference for all you middle-aged broadcasting and mass communications majors out there). I didn't read King's novel, I gave up on him after slogging through half of Insomnia, but I could spot story elements from The Stand, Pet Sematary, The Shining, and his only directorial effort "Maximum Overdrive." In King's America, does everyone sit on a cache of guns? Good thing one supporting character seems to be an expert bomb maker, providing a convenient catalyst for the finale. In true Hollywood fashion, guns are found, everyone is an expert shot, and ammo is never-ending. Williams' best scenes are the intimate, creepy ones- the drive-in theater, Clay's home, and a fortified bar. His direction is a bit shaky and off-putting, which adds to the tension. The cast does what they can, everyone gets their little moments. I wondered why no one turns on a TV in the film, or where the stereotypical evil government was. The characters, and the viewer, must accept what is happening and go with it. Ambiguity is a good thing, but having all the survivors being visited in their nightmares by the same red hoodie-wearing demonic character was never followed through or explained.

“Cell" isn't the worst film ever made, heck, it's not even the worst Stephen King adaptation ever made (I'm glaring at you, "Dreamcatcher"), but it is a definite curiosity.

Stats:
(2016) 98 min. (3/10)
-Directed by Tod Williams
-Screenplay by Stephen King and Adam Alleca, Based on the novel by Stephen King
-Cast: John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson, Isabelle Fuhrman, Stacy Keach, Clark Sarullo, Ethan Andrew Casto, Owen Teague, Joshua Mikel, Anthony Reynolds, Erin Elizabeth Burns, Jeff Hallman, Mark Ashworth, Wilbur Fitzgerald
(R)