An American Vampire Story (1997)

*Get the film on Amazon here*

A disclaimer: the following plot summary is completely accurate and not enhanced on my part- the film is really this bad. Frankie's (Trevor Lissauer) parents leave for Europe for the summer, and he gets the run of their giant L.A. home. His friend, the nerdy Bogie (Danny Hitt), sees this as the perfect opportunity to "party hardy," a term I have not heard used since 1984, and Frankie wants to get closer to his girlfriend Dee Dee (Daisy Torme). One night, Frankie and Bogie meet Moondoggie (Johnny Venokur). Remember, I am not making this up. Moondoggie invites himself to Frankie's house, dropping in with Bruno (Sydney Lassick), Sulka (Carmen Electra), and Katrina (Debra K. Beatty). Bruno begins kidnapping local pets and frying them up for breakfast. Sulka and Katrina keep trying to suck Frankie dry, bloodwise. Hey, these houseguests are vampires! Like a bad episode of "Step by Step" or "Family Matters," Frankie cannot get the vampires out of his house, and his girlfriend eventually leaves him for Moondoggie. Enter the reliably awful Adam West (before "Family Guy" saved his reputation) as The Big Kahuna Van Helsingmeister, vampire killer. You can guess the rest.

The film is awful. The special effects mostly consist of cheap computer animation. The actors are terrible, taking what was once a horror comedy very seriously. Nothing worse than a horror comedy that provides no laughs in addition to its lack of scares. Carmen Electra is in a purely supporting role here as Sulka, despite her prominence on the video box wearing makeup and sporting fangs that are not featured in this film. Asking yourself stupid questions like why Frankie lets the vampires stay, or why doesn't he just kill them, is futile because the writer and director set out to make a mindless film and succeeded. Do not be fooled by the "unrated" version of this, its gore and sex never rise above (PG-13) level. Also known as "American Vampire," this is not just bad, it is painfully bad, and does indeed suck.

Stats:
(1997) 99 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Luis Esteban
-Written by Rollin Jarrett
-Cast: Trevor Lissauer, Johnny Venokur, Adam West, Danny Hitt, Daisy Torme, Carmen Electra, Sydney Lassick, Debra K. Beatty, Don Robb, Billy 'Sly' Williams, Kim Meredith, Brent Jasmer, Nicole Gian
(PG-13)