American Virgin (1999)

*Get the film on Amazon here*

In order to cash in on the overnight success of actress Mena Suvari, the producers behind this awful film changed the name from "Live Virgin" to "American Virgin," perhaps hoping some poor schmuck out there would mistake this for the Oscar winner or the stupid but financially successful teen sex comedy. They should be ashamed of themselves for filming and releasing this at all. This celluloid nightmare contains a few Oscar alumni who should have known better. Joey (Bob Hoskins) and Ronny (Robert Loggia) are rival middle-aged porn producers. Ronny stole Joey's wife Mitzi (Alexandra Wentworth), so Joey steals Ronny's daughter Katrina (Mena Suvari), so to speak. In order to get back at Daddy, Katrina decides to lose her virginity online courtesy of Joey's money, and a dopey cyber suit that will let subscribers physically feel what Katrina's lover will feel. So far, so bad. I used to rebel by missing curfews, but this is just plain ridiculous.

Not since "Star Wars" has a film careened toward such a breathtaking conclusion, full of hope for the future and love for our fellow man- I'll stop. Esai Morales has a pointless scene as a gay film director who idolizes Ronny. Esai should have stuck around to screen this film, since they spell his first name "Essai" in the opening credits. Loggia and Hoskins spend the entire film yelling the F word at each other. Neither is likable. Director Marois could not frame a decent shot to save his life. I have seen better production values from the local university's broadcasting department's news show on public access. Watch for a scene where Mann gets out of a taxi, and a boom microphone's reflection is clearly visible in the cab's roof. Marois also cowrote the screenplay, perhaps trying to put a satirical screwball spin on the porn world. Too bad no one takes the porn world seriously enough to want to see it skewered by some second rate film maker who hasn't an original thought to put on the screen. Look for porn star Ron Jeremy as a cop, proving once again that all his talent was contained below his waist. "American Virgin" is loud, dumb, and unfunny. Suvari was one of the best things about "American Pie," but here she looks embarrassed. She should be.

Stats:
(1999) 88 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jean-Pierre Marois
-Written by Jean-Pierre Marois & Ira Israel
-Cast: Bob Hoskins, Robert Loggia, Mena Suvari, Alexandra Wentworth, Brian Bloom, Ron Jeremy, Esai Morales, Octavia Spencer, O-Lan Jones, Sally Kellerman, Vincent Schiavelli, Bobbie Phillips, Gabriel Mann
(R)