Decades ago when I saw this, I was not a big Kevin Smith fan. I thought "Clerks" and "Chasing Amy" were good but overpraised. When Smith apologized for this film, calling it his worst, I expected to be thoroughly trashing it when actually, it's pretty funny. Best friends Brodie (Jason Lee) and Quint (Jeremy London) break up with their respective girlfriends in the same day. Brodie is dumped by Rene (Shannen Doherty), who takes up with the mall men's store manager Shannon (Ben Affleck). Quint is dumped by Brandi (Claire Forlani), whose father Svenning (Michael Rooker) is hosting a game show that she must participate in. Conveniently, the "Dating Game"-type show is being taped at the mall. Enter the cult heroes Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith), who are recruited to sabotage the game show so that Quint can get back with Brandi. Brodie has issues of his own, since Shannon is also looking to kill him. Most of the film takes place in the mall the two hang out at, as they recruit other mallrats into their plans, with the final game show providing the climax of the film.
There is a lot here that is very funny. Jason Lee is very likable in the role of a jerk slacker who says what we all think. London is okay as his subdued friend. Priscilla Barnes will make you forget those late night "Three's Company" reruns as the topless psychic. The film moves at a quick, energetic pace. Even comic book guru Stan Lee is entertaining in a small role as himself. The not so good? Doherty and Forlani are not given much more to do than look exasperated at their former boyfriends. They are easily interchangeable, and did not make much of an impression. Also, Smith gives some of his actors mouthfuls of dialogue that has no reasonable comparison to actual speech, and his cast almost lose their breath trying to spit out sentences that make mine look like three word quotable quotes. Michael Rooker is all wrong as a TV game show host. This movie is so goofy, and often foul mouthed, but considering the junk coming out back then like "Road Trip" and the "American Pie" series, it is also funny. Smith should not apologize, we should thank him for an entertaining ninety six minutes.
Friday, April 17, 2026
Magic Kisa (2008)
This complex Tarantino-like noir short film is a treat to watch and recommend. Vic and Gino (both played by Christophe Laubion) are identical twins. Vic has just been released from prison after six years, and he tracks down family man Gino at Gino's bar. Gino should have gone to jail with Vic, both are con men, so Gino makes him an offer- Vic spends two weeks playing Gino, complete with sexy common-law wife Margot (Marie Vernalde) and nerdy son Castor (Philemon Renaud), and then all is even between them. What Gino fails to tell Vic is that he owes three million dollars to another set of identical twins known as the Gravediggers (both played by Dominique Bettenfeld), who see their enforcement by hacksaw as a task from God, and who like to peruse coffin catalogs in case they must bury one of their associates. Gino is seriously injured, and Vic begins to realize he may have got the raw end of this deal.
First, a word about the technical aspects. Director Saliva does an absolutely flawless job of creating two sets of identical twins with one actor playing each set. The effect is brilliant, without calling attention to itself, and I was stunned to learn only one actor played two brothers in both cases. The musical score is fun and odd, another aspect that reminded me of Tarantino. Laubion is great as the shifty brothers. Marie Vernalde is also good as Gino's girl, and Philemon Renaud as the young son is excellent, especially when telling the story of his hitchhiking trip home from school. I could watch an entire film dedicated to the Gravedigger brothers. Their (his?) scenes are both creepy and humorous, with Bettenfeld doing an astounding job. My few qualms are minor- I wasn't sure which brother was taking whose role, and I was also confused about the Marina (Nathalie Hauwelle) character. Some of this might be blamed on the fact that the film is in French, with English subtitles, and something may have been lost in translation. Either way, I wholeheartedly enjoyed this mean little film (barely thirty minutes long). It could easily be expanded to a feature length film, and I would be one of the first seeking it out.
First, a word about the technical aspects. Director Saliva does an absolutely flawless job of creating two sets of identical twins with one actor playing each set. The effect is brilliant, without calling attention to itself, and I was stunned to learn only one actor played two brothers in both cases. The musical score is fun and odd, another aspect that reminded me of Tarantino. Laubion is great as the shifty brothers. Marie Vernalde is also good as Gino's girl, and Philemon Renaud as the young son is excellent, especially when telling the story of his hitchhiking trip home from school. I could watch an entire film dedicated to the Gravedigger brothers. Their (his?) scenes are both creepy and humorous, with Bettenfeld doing an astounding job. My few qualms are minor- I wasn't sure which brother was taking whose role, and I was also confused about the Marina (Nathalie Hauwelle) character. Some of this might be blamed on the fact that the film is in French, with English subtitles, and something may have been lost in translation. Either way, I wholeheartedly enjoyed this mean little film (barely thirty minutes long). It could easily be expanded to a feature length film, and I would be one of the first seeking it out.
Mackenna's Gold (1969)
This big, bold western has the best of intentions, but Carl Foreman's screenplay, based on Will Henry's novel, is more ambitious than 1969 special effects technology. This is ripe for a remake, but be warned that there are some spoilers ahead. Victor Jory, a completely unnecessary narrator, clues us in on a hidden canyon of gold that the Apaches guard. They kill and maim anyone who discovers it, and there are plenty of gold hunters out there looking for it. One of them is NOT Marshal Mackenna (Gregory Peck), who is wandering around in the desert before being shot at by an old Apache chief. Mackenna fires back. Before the chief dies, Mackenna finds his map of the golden canyon, but burns it, confident it is a myth. Continuing the run of bad luck, an outlaw gang led by Colorado (Omar Sharif) come on the scene. They find the useless burned map, so they kidnap Mackenna, and will use the memorized map in his head. Also along as a hostage is Inga (Camilla Sparv), the daughter of the murdered judge who put a price on Colorado's head. Colorado's gang includes Hesh-Ke (Julie Newmar), an insanely jealous Apache woman who was once involved with Mackenna, and Hachita (Ted Cassidy), a strong and silent Apache warrior torn between his Native American spirituality and his outlaw behavior. The gang is hiding out when Baker (Eli Wallach) shows up with most of the prominent citizens of a local town. They also want to come along, seeing the gold hunt as a big non-dangerous adventure. Big time cameos abound here: Lee J. Cobb, Raymond Massey, Burgess Meredith, Anthony Quayle, and Edward G. Robinson. The men do not heed Mackenna's warnings about Colorado, thinking Mackenna wants more gold for himself. The U.S. Cavalry and a group of Apache warriors are after this group, and the Cavalry ambush them after they escape from their canyon hideout. Most of the cameo actors die, and Colorado, Mackenna, Inga, Hachita, and Hesh-Ke survive. Thrown into the busy plot is Sgt. Tibbs (Telly Savalas). Tibbs hears the story of the gold, pretends to rescue a released Inga, then kills his own men and joins the gang. The gang finally finds the golden canyon, enter it, and the double crosses and mind games come to a head.
The cast here is first rate. Except for the never-convincing casting decision of having white actors portray Native Americans, the group is strong and professional. One sour note is Keenan Wynn, whose part seems to have been trimmed excessively, considering he is fifth billed. Director Thompson, who also directed Peck in the excellent "The Guns of Navarone," does a good job here. He gives us scenes we do not normally see in westerns- a point of view shot from a man dragged by a horse, and the destruction of an actual canyon. Quincy Jones throws in a cool score, although the buzzard song, warbled by Jose Feliciano, is a little silly. The film suffers from a slow midsection. Victor Jory's narration is awful. He explains obvious plot points, and leaves nothing to the viewer's imagination. The special effects are also awful. The beautiful location scenery is negated by some bad back screening shots. The ride down the canyon wall near the climax is embarrassing in its ineptitude. A crossing across a rickety footbridge between two cliffs and an escape on a river raft are both negated by obvious miniature work and stock footage, respectively. Finally, the golden canyon segment has funny animated shadows and badly done matte cliff faces. A remake with some really good effects might enliven the action set pieces since the bad effects detract. In the buffet of big action films, "Mackenna's Gold"'s eyes are bigger than its stomach. There is a great western trying to get out, evidenced by the talent in front of and behind the camera, but technical gaffes sink it.
The cast here is first rate. Except for the never-convincing casting decision of having white actors portray Native Americans, the group is strong and professional. One sour note is Keenan Wynn, whose part seems to have been trimmed excessively, considering he is fifth billed. Director Thompson, who also directed Peck in the excellent "The Guns of Navarone," does a good job here. He gives us scenes we do not normally see in westerns- a point of view shot from a man dragged by a horse, and the destruction of an actual canyon. Quincy Jones throws in a cool score, although the buzzard song, warbled by Jose Feliciano, is a little silly. The film suffers from a slow midsection. Victor Jory's narration is awful. He explains obvious plot points, and leaves nothing to the viewer's imagination. The special effects are also awful. The beautiful location scenery is negated by some bad back screening shots. The ride down the canyon wall near the climax is embarrassing in its ineptitude. A crossing across a rickety footbridge between two cliffs and an escape on a river raft are both negated by obvious miniature work and stock footage, respectively. Finally, the golden canyon segment has funny animated shadows and badly done matte cliff faces. A remake with some really good effects might enliven the action set pieces since the bad effects detract. In the buffet of big action films, "Mackenna's Gold"'s eyes are bigger than its stomach. There is a great western trying to get out, evidenced by the talent in front of and behind the camera, but technical gaffes sink it.
Thursday, April 16, 2026
Lust in the Mummy's Tomb (2002)
No expense is spared in yet another Misty Mundae (now known as Erin Brown) softcore romp. In "Lust in the Mummy's Tomb," Mundae is a schoolgirl who wakes up one morning and takes a shower. I have just summarized the first ten minutes of this opus. Misty goes downstairs and discovers a mummy (Joey Smack credited as Ben Orange) on the floor of her father's study. What's a girl to do? You boink it, apparently. As Misty works on the mummy, the ghost of Cleopatra (Patty Perturbed- probably not her real name) lurks behind a bookshelf, jealously watching Misty and the mummy. Unfortunately for Cleopatra, and the viewer, the orgasm of a young girl can wake the mummy. Misty "wins," and the mummy arises (so to speak) and chases her. Don't fret, Misty lives, and we learn Cleopatra will rest only if brought to orgasm by a hot young girl like Misty. How convenient.
These "films" are on the DVD together because neither is full length on their own. "Lust in the Mummy's Tomb" is about forty minutes, while its DVD companion "The Vibrating Maid" runs twenty-five. These "films" are on the DVD together because neither is full length on their own. "Lust in the Mummy's Tomb"'s location shooting consists of someone's house, not a tomb in sight. While I did not watch this for historical accuracy of any kind, having some sad actor wrapped in all the gauze he could find in a poorly stocked first aid kit would be hysterical if it were not so pathetic. I found myself just as bored as the cast members. The supposed direction by William Hellfire consists of turning the video camera on and off. No screenwriter is credited, since I believe the entire story meeting and read-through consisted of "take your clothes off and dry hump this." Just a rant against the old Seduction Cinema and After Hours Cinema's hard softcore sex videos. If you have a cast willing to do all of this sexually explicit activity on camera for all the world to see, then why not back it up with some semblance of a story or script and semi-professional production values? Film makers, challenge yourselves to actually write and shoot something watchable, instead of a bunch of scenes? Even though I found many faults with "Shortbus" and "The Brown Bunny," at least these writer/directors were trying to be provocative, not lazy. Sorry, Misty, but I needed to break off this relationship. I also made the mistake of watching "Erotic Survivor" the same night decades ago, a film so bad I could not put into words the grief I felt. I need more out of my video vixens, since I am no longer sixteen years old and sneaking peeks at Cinemax. Everyone involved is better than this, and frankly, so am I.
These "films" are on the DVD together because neither is full length on their own. "Lust in the Mummy's Tomb" is about forty minutes, while its DVD companion "The Vibrating Maid" runs twenty-five. These "films" are on the DVD together because neither is full length on their own. "Lust in the Mummy's Tomb"'s location shooting consists of someone's house, not a tomb in sight. While I did not watch this for historical accuracy of any kind, having some sad actor wrapped in all the gauze he could find in a poorly stocked first aid kit would be hysterical if it were not so pathetic. I found myself just as bored as the cast members. The supposed direction by William Hellfire consists of turning the video camera on and off. No screenwriter is credited, since I believe the entire story meeting and read-through consisted of "take your clothes off and dry hump this." Just a rant against the old Seduction Cinema and After Hours Cinema's hard softcore sex videos. If you have a cast willing to do all of this sexually explicit activity on camera for all the world to see, then why not back it up with some semblance of a story or script and semi-professional production values? Film makers, challenge yourselves to actually write and shoot something watchable, instead of a bunch of scenes? Even though I found many faults with "Shortbus" and "The Brown Bunny," at least these writer/directors were trying to be provocative, not lazy. Sorry, Misty, but I needed to break off this relationship. I also made the mistake of watching "Erotic Survivor" the same night decades ago, a film so bad I could not put into words the grief I felt. I need more out of my video vixens, since I am no longer sixteen years old and sneaking peeks at Cinemax. Everyone involved is better than this, and frankly, so am I.
Lone Wolf (1988)
The Colorado town of Fairview is plagued with a rash of wild dog attacks. The dogs are mutilating humans, especially around Fairview School. No one has actually seen these wild dogs, but there are also reports of a large wolf walking on its hind legs. The entire mystery of "Lone Wolf" is: who is the werewolf? Is it brooding heavy metal singer Eddie (Jamie Newcomb)? Is it hot-to-trot Deirdre (Ann Douglas)? And what of Deirdre's pixie like friend, Colleen (Siren)? We mustn't forget blonde princess Julie (Dyann Brown), who was the last person to see one victim alive. Or maybe nerdy Joel (Kevin Hart), who takes a liking to Julie? Or someone else entirely, like the police force, or the school's instructors, or Eddie's extended family, or the local bar owner, or some parents, or the girl in the wheelchair, or the janitor, or...this film has more characters in it than an Italian opera but don't worry, everything will be cleared up at the school's conveniently scheduled winter costume ball.
I keep writing "school," instead of "high school." Therein lies the film's biggest problem. The school looks like a high school, complete with lockers and a gym, yet all the students are about thirty years old. The students go to a night club, drink, stay out, and still live with their parents or guardians. Sure, high school students do that, but how many high school students have five o'clock shadow? Deirdre looks old enough to be a teacher, not a student. This is a cheesy 1980's werewolf flick that overextends itself with too many characters and not enough story. It takes everyone else in the cast forever to figure out who the werewolf is, long after you have guessed correctly. The makeup and gore effects are above average, until the camera dwells too long on one rubbery transformation sequence. The script is a series of werewolf point-of-view attacks, while the cops go about not believing the "kids," who take it upon themselves to catch the monster. The heavy metal band's songs illustrate why the big hair hard rock days of the 1980's are now long gone. The acting is okay, but I get the feeling the actors were also kept in the dark as to their characters' ages. "Lone Wolf" is a valiant try at small film making. The budget and script lack, the talent is lost, and it lumbers along. Too bad things weren't trimmed a bit, and the energy was heightened. This could have been another "An American Werewolf in London" or "The Howling," but instead, it is no better than any of those better film's sequels. Too bad.
I keep writing "school," instead of "high school." Therein lies the film's biggest problem. The school looks like a high school, complete with lockers and a gym, yet all the students are about thirty years old. The students go to a night club, drink, stay out, and still live with their parents or guardians. Sure, high school students do that, but how many high school students have five o'clock shadow? Deirdre looks old enough to be a teacher, not a student. This is a cheesy 1980's werewolf flick that overextends itself with too many characters and not enough story. It takes everyone else in the cast forever to figure out who the werewolf is, long after you have guessed correctly. The makeup and gore effects are above average, until the camera dwells too long on one rubbery transformation sequence. The script is a series of werewolf point-of-view attacks, while the cops go about not believing the "kids," who take it upon themselves to catch the monster. The heavy metal band's songs illustrate why the big hair hard rock days of the 1980's are now long gone. The acting is okay, but I get the feeling the actors were also kept in the dark as to their characters' ages. "Lone Wolf" is a valiant try at small film making. The budget and script lack, the talent is lost, and it lumbers along. Too bad things weren't trimmed a bit, and the energy was heightened. This could have been another "An American Werewolf in London" or "The Howling," but instead, it is no better than any of those better film's sequels. Too bad.
London Voodoo (2004)
"London Voodoo" is better than "The Serpent and the Rainbow," but can't touch "Angel Heart" with a severed chicken head on a ten foot long pole. Yuppie American couple Lincoln (Doug Cockle) and Sarah (Sara Stewart) move to London with their toddler daughter for Lincoln's new corporate job. Lincoln is a workaholic, taking his family for granted, and gets right back into these habits with his new employment. The couple hires a hot nanny, Kelly (Vonda Barnes), who takes an instant attraction to Lincoln. Unfortunately, Sarah has happened upon an old Voodoo grave in the cellar of their London row house. An evil spirit escapes and finds a new home in Sarah's body. Sarah is not possessed all the time, and Kelly spends her days mentally tormenting Sarah so she can get closer to Lincoln, who does not have a clue what is going on in his own house. The local Voodoo practitioners are aware of the escaped spirit and try to warn the family, to no avail. By the time Sarah starts sporting a new cosmetics regimen and collecting fingernail clippings and blood in small containers, Lincoln teams up with historian/Voodoo gal Fiona (Trisha Mortimer) and finally acts.
I am sorry, but I have never found Voodoo to be all that scary. Sure, it's gross, but "The Serpent and the Rainbow" was not that suspenseful, and neither is the script for this film. Cockle's entire screen time is spent in an office, or staring helplessly at a female cast member. His character Lincoln is simply too dumb. Stewart also gets a few unintentionally funny scenes and her suffering at the hands of Kelly is more believable and suspenseful than her possession by the evil Voodoo spirit. Mortimer is sympathetic as Fiona, a middle aged woman who uses Voodoo in order to be reunited with her deceased husband. Barnes' Kelly is pure evil, but she puts such an innocent look on her face, I would believe her, too. Writer/director Robert Pratten should have trimmed the talky screenplay. There is some gore, but not enough. A subplot with a couple of workmen laboring in the basement is kind of dropped, and we never get to know anyone else in the Voodoo cult except Fiona. On the other hand, the London locale is certainly different from some anonymous Caribbean island somewhere. The cinematography is crystal clear, and Pratten does some very interesting things with his camera, I liked his direction more than his script. "London Voodoo" gets a lukewarm reception, but Pratten is certainly a talent to watch.
I am sorry, but I have never found Voodoo to be all that scary. Sure, it's gross, but "The Serpent and the Rainbow" was not that suspenseful, and neither is the script for this film. Cockle's entire screen time is spent in an office, or staring helplessly at a female cast member. His character Lincoln is simply too dumb. Stewart also gets a few unintentionally funny scenes and her suffering at the hands of Kelly is more believable and suspenseful than her possession by the evil Voodoo spirit. Mortimer is sympathetic as Fiona, a middle aged woman who uses Voodoo in order to be reunited with her deceased husband. Barnes' Kelly is pure evil, but she puts such an innocent look on her face, I would believe her, too. Writer/director Robert Pratten should have trimmed the talky screenplay. There is some gore, but not enough. A subplot with a couple of workmen laboring in the basement is kind of dropped, and we never get to know anyone else in the Voodoo cult except Fiona. On the other hand, the London locale is certainly different from some anonymous Caribbean island somewhere. The cinematography is crystal clear, and Pratten does some very interesting things with his camera, I liked his direction more than his script. "London Voodoo" gets a lukewarm reception, but Pratten is certainly a talent to watch.
Lisa and the Devil (1973)
Also known in a different form as "House of Exorcism," this messy little film takes itself so seriously as to kill any entertainment value whatsoever. The spare plot involves European tourist Lisa (Elke Sommer) who has a chance run-in with Leandro (Telly Savalas), who looks just like the devil she saw on a fresco in the square. Sommer is given a ride to a mysterious house in the country, where Leandro happens to be the butler. There, she is mistaken for a long dead woman, and the real soap opera theatrics begin. The house's blind matriarch's husband had an affair with the dead woman, who was the matriarch's son's fiancee. The couple who gave Lisa the ride? Well, the woman is giving the chauffeur, uh, "backseat driving lessons," and the husband knows and does not care. Eventually, most of the cast is killed, Sommer is drugged and assaulted, escapes, and the viewer is taken to a climax on board an empty airplane- which must have resembled the empty theaters this thing played in. The alternate version of this, "House of Exorcism," has scenes added involving a priest played by Robert Alda.
Mario Bava's direction is fast and furious, but his screenplay is awful. There are half baked ideas, abandoned plotlines, and stunning conveniences that do nothing more than propel this thing in some sort of forward direction. You have lifelike dummies for practice funerals, the blind matriarch does not act all that blind, and Savalas is given the same lollipops he had in "Kojak"- who haunts ya, baby? The project seems like they had two name stars, then wrote the script quickly, something that happens in Hollywood on a daily basis. Savalas looks completely lost, delivering his lines haltingly. Sommer runs around and screams and gasps a lot, but her character is a blank, I use the term "character" loosely. The only thing we know about her is her name. This is a real weird film, and your reaction to it might depend on how heavily you are into Eurohorror, Bava, and Kojak. I cannot recommend "Lisa and the Devil."
Mario Bava's direction is fast and furious, but his screenplay is awful. There are half baked ideas, abandoned plotlines, and stunning conveniences that do nothing more than propel this thing in some sort of forward direction. You have lifelike dummies for practice funerals, the blind matriarch does not act all that blind, and Savalas is given the same lollipops he had in "Kojak"- who haunts ya, baby? The project seems like they had two name stars, then wrote the script quickly, something that happens in Hollywood on a daily basis. Savalas looks completely lost, delivering his lines haltingly. Sommer runs around and screams and gasps a lot, but her character is a blank, I use the term "character" loosely. The only thing we know about her is her name. This is a real weird film, and your reaction to it might depend on how heavily you are into Eurohorror, Bava, and Kojak. I cannot recommend "Lisa and the Devil."
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