Creepozoids (1987)

The year is 1998, six years after a nuclear war has leveled the earth. I love sci-fi movies that make dire futuristic predictions, just so we can live through the very years that are supposed to be among mankind's worst? Anyway, a band of two women and three men, all army deserters, find a strange bunker laboratory where an experiment gone awry waits to pick them off one by one... if you have chills from this plot description, turn down your air conditioner. This same exact plot has been done to death in so many films, I am sick of mentioning it, although I just did. What is wrong with this film? Where do I begin? First a warning: there are spoilers here.

The budget is so low, when characters run down the main laboratory hallway, you can tell it is obviously a self storage locker building. The band of deserters have deserted the army, even though the long prologue tells us the earth is a burnt out shell. Who is the army fighting if everyone was killed by the nuclear fallout and acid rain? The army must also be desperate for recruits. Count how many times a creature or giant rat attacks someone while another cast members stand there and watch "frozen in fear." The creature, looking like a giant dung beetle, is never explained, except for some talk about amino acids.

Linnea Quigley finds time with all the hullabaloo and goings-on to have a shower quickie with one of the hunky deserters. The other female also tries to take a shower, but she forgot her death was scheduled at the same time, and prior commitments should be honored. The film is less than eighty minutes long, and is padded with cast members crawling around the ventilations shafts with flashlights...and crawling...and finding some goo...and crawling...and crawling some more. Watch for the end credits, perhaps the slowest credits scroll ever committed to celluloid. So, what is a "creepozoid," anyway? I do not know, no one in the film ever says that word.

This "Creepozoids," on the other hand, is a cheap gory mess that seems to have been written around Quigley's two nude scenes. Do not bother exerting any effort to see this, the film makers sure did not exert any effort to make this.

Stats:
(1987) 72 min. (1/10)
-Directed by David DeCoteau
-Written by Dave Eisenstark & David DeCoteau
-Cast: Linnea Quigley, Richard L. Hawkins, Ken Abraham, Ashlyn Gere, Michael Aranda, Joi Wilson
(R)