Nicolas Cage, Jon Lovitz, and Dana Carvey unconvincingly play three brothers in a comedy that should never have been made.
Dave (Jon Lovitz) and Alvin (Dana Carvey) have recently been paroled. They have a letter from a fellow inmate they must get to small town Paradise, Pennsylvania. It seems Vic (Vic Manni) is trying to make amends with daughter Sarah (Madchen Amick), and the brothers agree to deliver it. A third brother, Bill (Nicolas Cage), is leading a straight life before getting involved in his brothers' petty criminal shenanigans. He soon finds himself in Paradise with his brothers breaking parole, and a local bank that is just begging to be robbed. The robbery goes as planned sort of- they did get the money, but the brothers keep getting caught up with the kindness of the local folk, and cannot seem to get out of town. The FBI and local police move in, as does a now-escaped Vic who has taken the boys' mother (Florence Stanley) hostage, and the wackiness continues.
Have you ever seen a film that was so bad on so many different levels, you were literally at a loss as to where to begin? Deep breath- Carvey, Cage, and Lovitz- as brothers? Cage's idea of saving this mess is to shout all of his lines and wave his hands a lot. Lovitz tries out his pathological liar character on the big screen, to no avail. Carvey adopts an annoying, high-pitched nasal drone for a voice, I could not understand a word he was saying. None of them worked well together. Poor John Ashton also comes along, playing the same a-hole character he has played in every film he has been in from "Beverly Hills Cop" to "King Kong Lives." The script is overly hokey and sentimental. I like a good Christmas movie now and then, but this is so chock full of good tidings and cheer, it turns completely unbelievable. Throw in the loud, bombastic music that drowns out some performers' lines, the fakest snow you have ever seen, and some characters suddenly acting in the complete opposite direction from how they were introduced, and you have an unmitigated disaster.
"Trapped in Paradise" clocks in at nearly two hours long and is in desperate need of an editor- I would lose the first half of the film, and then the second half. Do not be fooled by the cast, this is not good.
Stats:
(1994) 111 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by George Gallo
-Cast: Nicolas Cage, Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey, Madchen Amick, Vic Manni, Florence Stanley, Richard B. Shull, Jack Heller, Paul Lazar, Donald Moffat, John Ashton, Frank Pesce, Richard Jenkins
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: Home Video
Saturday, May 31, 2025
Rockwell (1994)
Former NBA player Karl Malone should have kept his day job. No, this is not an epic biopic of painter Norman Rockwell, or the "Somebody's Watching Me" one-hit wonder from the 1980's. This weak western is more horrible than you can imagine.
Randy Gleave, looking like he is auditioning for the dinner theater production of "Jim Morrison: The Paris Years," plays Porter Rockwell, a long-haired, bearded friend of Mormons Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. Smith is killed and Rockwell moves to Utah, where he must deal with the same land grabbers who had Smith and others gunned down back in Illinois. Rockwell becomes marshal, and rumor has it he cannot be killed because of his long hair. The end features a final showdown with the lead land grabber, and a snake pit.
The villains are broadly written and played, you expect them to be described as "nefarious" and "dastardly" while they twirl their mustaches and tie virgins to railroad tracks. The film is very cheap, I swear the film makers used the same log cabin to film every character's exteriors, no matter if they lived in Illinois or Utah. The costuming seems to consist of actors bringing what they thought was old from home as modern hairstyles and clothing can often be spotted. The rest of the exterior shots were done at a state park somewhere, and you can see modern doorknobs, and even a modern city in the background of one shot, as the villain describes the frontier town he has arrived in as "quaint." The opening scenes show a child gunned down, and Rockwell is hit on by TWO preteen girls trying to find a husband- both scenes are squirm-inducing.
The whole film is Rockwell getting shot at, then killing whoever was responsible. Malone looks clueless as to how he got stuck in this. As Rockwell's friend Elijah, he shoots and runs around, but his character's only purpose seems to be to give Malone something to do onscreen. There is an embarrassing vignette where Rockwell and Elijah are in a play together, and Rockwell forgets his lines. I think the writer-director was trying to be funny, but my jaw was agape in how bad this was, and how long it dragged out. For fun, count the number of characters who use colorful words like "ain't" and "reckon" non-stop. The editing feels like one of those nine hour TV mini-series edited down to an hour and a half, then released on video as a "movie," with narration added to fill in the gaps.
This movie is hard to find on video for a reason, it is awful. Stay away from "Rockwell." Also known as "Rockwell: A Legend of the Wild West."
Stats:
(1994) 105 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Richard Lloyd Dewey
-Cast: Randy Gleave, Scott Christopher, Karl Malone, Michael Flynn, Kennedy Kevin, Meilani Paul, Lance C. Williams, Michael Ruud, Shantal Hiatt, Linda Gilbert, John Bozung, Scott McMillan, Paul Mugerian
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
Randy Gleave, looking like he is auditioning for the dinner theater production of "Jim Morrison: The Paris Years," plays Porter Rockwell, a long-haired, bearded friend of Mormons Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. Smith is killed and Rockwell moves to Utah, where he must deal with the same land grabbers who had Smith and others gunned down back in Illinois. Rockwell becomes marshal, and rumor has it he cannot be killed because of his long hair. The end features a final showdown with the lead land grabber, and a snake pit.
The villains are broadly written and played, you expect them to be described as "nefarious" and "dastardly" while they twirl their mustaches and tie virgins to railroad tracks. The film is very cheap, I swear the film makers used the same log cabin to film every character's exteriors, no matter if they lived in Illinois or Utah. The costuming seems to consist of actors bringing what they thought was old from home as modern hairstyles and clothing can often be spotted. The rest of the exterior shots were done at a state park somewhere, and you can see modern doorknobs, and even a modern city in the background of one shot, as the villain describes the frontier town he has arrived in as "quaint." The opening scenes show a child gunned down, and Rockwell is hit on by TWO preteen girls trying to find a husband- both scenes are squirm-inducing.
The whole film is Rockwell getting shot at, then killing whoever was responsible. Malone looks clueless as to how he got stuck in this. As Rockwell's friend Elijah, he shoots and runs around, but his character's only purpose seems to be to give Malone something to do onscreen. There is an embarrassing vignette where Rockwell and Elijah are in a play together, and Rockwell forgets his lines. I think the writer-director was trying to be funny, but my jaw was agape in how bad this was, and how long it dragged out. For fun, count the number of characters who use colorful words like "ain't" and "reckon" non-stop. The editing feels like one of those nine hour TV mini-series edited down to an hour and a half, then released on video as a "movie," with narration added to fill in the gaps.
This movie is hard to find on video for a reason, it is awful. Stay away from "Rockwell." Also known as "Rockwell: A Legend of the Wild West."
Stats:
(1994) 105 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Richard Lloyd Dewey
-Cast: Randy Gleave, Scott Christopher, Karl Malone, Michael Flynn, Kennedy Kevin, Meilani Paul, Lance C. Williams, Michael Ruud, Shantal Hiatt, Linda Gilbert, John Bozung, Scott McMillan, Paul Mugerian
(R)
Media Viewed: VHS
The Pagemaster (1994)
Rich Tyler (Macaulay Culkin) is a nervous, paranoid boy who lives with his parents Alan (Ed Begley, Jr.) and Claire (Mel Harris). If I had these two as parents, I would be nervous, too.
Rich is afraid of everything, quoting statistics, and rarely taking chances for fear of injury. One stormy day, he rides his super safe bike to the hardware store, but diverts to a library to get out of the rain. Mr. Dewey (Christopher Lloyd), the creepiest librarian ever, directs Rich to a pay phone so he can call his parents. Rich slips and knocks himself out, awakens magically animated, and is transported to a strange land where books can talk. Three books befriend Rich: Adventure (voiced by Patrick Stewart), Fantasy (voiced by Whoopi Goldberg), and Horror (voiced by Frank Welker). The books follow Rich on his quest for the giant EXIT sign that will lead him back to real life, and home.
The group run through familiar stories like Moby Dick, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, etc., yet this film finds a way to make these classics boring. The basic message is that children should read more. However, it seems Rich is reading, since he can quote safety statistics. So, he must read more fiction. No Shakespeare, but exciting fiction that can be touched on with cheap animation in a vehicle for its child star. The live-action opening and closing pieces had to have been done in a day. The animation is weak. The background colors will be vibrant, yet the foreground animated characters are washed out and look beige. Even at eighty minutes, this goes on forever, and ends with a couple of Oscar-hopeful songs about nurturing dreams and using your imagination. Too bad the film makers could not follow the advice of their own tunes.
"The Pagemaster" provides proof of Culkin's unhappiness with the industry, and I certainly felt his pain.
Stats:
(1994) 80 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Pixote Hunt, Joe Johnston
-Screenplay by David Casci and David Kirschner and Ernie Contreras, Story by David Casci and David Kirschner
-Cast: Macaulay Culkin, Christopher Lloyd, Ed Begley Jr., Mel Harris, Patrick Stewart, Whoopi Goldberg, Frank Welker, Leonard Nimoy, Phil Hartman, Jim Cummings, B.J. Ward, Dorian Harewood, Robert Picardo
(G)
Media Viewed: Home Video
Rich is afraid of everything, quoting statistics, and rarely taking chances for fear of injury. One stormy day, he rides his super safe bike to the hardware store, but diverts to a library to get out of the rain. Mr. Dewey (Christopher Lloyd), the creepiest librarian ever, directs Rich to a pay phone so he can call his parents. Rich slips and knocks himself out, awakens magically animated, and is transported to a strange land where books can talk. Three books befriend Rich: Adventure (voiced by Patrick Stewart), Fantasy (voiced by Whoopi Goldberg), and Horror (voiced by Frank Welker). The books follow Rich on his quest for the giant EXIT sign that will lead him back to real life, and home.
The group run through familiar stories like Moby Dick, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, etc., yet this film finds a way to make these classics boring. The basic message is that children should read more. However, it seems Rich is reading, since he can quote safety statistics. So, he must read more fiction. No Shakespeare, but exciting fiction that can be touched on with cheap animation in a vehicle for its child star. The live-action opening and closing pieces had to have been done in a day. The animation is weak. The background colors will be vibrant, yet the foreground animated characters are washed out and look beige. Even at eighty minutes, this goes on forever, and ends with a couple of Oscar-hopeful songs about nurturing dreams and using your imagination. Too bad the film makers could not follow the advice of their own tunes.
"The Pagemaster" provides proof of Culkin's unhappiness with the industry, and I certainly felt his pain.
Stats:
(1994) 80 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Pixote Hunt, Joe Johnston
-Screenplay by David Casci and David Kirschner and Ernie Contreras, Story by David Casci and David Kirschner
-Cast: Macaulay Culkin, Christopher Lloyd, Ed Begley Jr., Mel Harris, Patrick Stewart, Whoopi Goldberg, Frank Welker, Leonard Nimoy, Phil Hartman, Jim Cummings, B.J. Ward, Dorian Harewood, Robert Picardo
(G)
Media Viewed: Home Video
Friday, May 30, 2025
On Deadly Ground (1994)
Al Gore, take note. You could try to save the environment with your little slide show, your Oscar, your multiple houses, your private jet travel (I digress) but would you be willing to kill for it? No, I don't mean kill actual people, but kill your career over it? Steven Seagal killed his with this film.
Seagal scowls as Forrest Taft (prompting many "run, Forrest, run" jokes in my head), an Alaskan oil rig firefighter in the employ of evil oil company owner Jennings (a stunned looking Michael Caine). Jennings and his henchmen are trying to bring a gargantuan oil rig and refinery online hours before the oil rights revert back to the sympathetic Indigenous Eskimo people, led by that great Native American/Indigenous/First Nation actress Joan Chen. After Jennings' umpteenth attempt to kill Taft fails, our injured hero has one of those spiritual quests one finds in the movies or self-help getaways, and Taft wakes up reborn and ready to blow up and kill everyone in sight to save Mother Earth from big business.
Seagal picked the right technical team and cast to make his directorial debut (he has only directed a little-seen documentary on Ukraine in 2024). Aside from the miscast Chen and the slumming Caine, you'll catch John C. McGinley, R. Lee Ermey, an uncredited Louise Fletcher in an obviously trimmed role, and a puffy Billy Bob Thornton in an obviously padded role. The special effects suck, but the Alaskan scenery is breathtaking. Seagal cannot even nod convincingly onscreen. Saving the environment by blowing things up is more than a little hypocritical. Watching Seagal try to take the high road by blaming big business for the planet's problems in his infamous final speech would be more inspirational if the film was not overwhelmed with bloody violence, profanity, a weird gay-bashing subtext, racism, and just enough boobies to keep the teenage boys awake. "Save the planet, kill everyone" is not a rousing call to arms. Every character does or says something so stupid, and it is done with such seriousness, it's shocking.
Seagal is a joke, releasing unwatchable straight-to-video and streaming fare today, making me wonder where the iffy promise of "Above the Law" disappeared to. "On Deadly Ground"- what an appropriate title.
Stats:
(1994) 101 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Steven Seagal
-Written by Ed Horowitz & Robin U. Russin
-Cast: Steven Seagal, Michael Caine, Joan Chen, Louise Fletcher, Billy Bob Thornton, John C. McGinley, R. Lee Ermey, Shari Shattuck, Richard Hamilton, Chief Irvin Brink, Apanguluk Charlie Kairaiuak, Elsie Pistolhead, John Trudell
(R)
Media Viewed: Home Video
Seagal scowls as Forrest Taft (prompting many "run, Forrest, run" jokes in my head), an Alaskan oil rig firefighter in the employ of evil oil company owner Jennings (a stunned looking Michael Caine). Jennings and his henchmen are trying to bring a gargantuan oil rig and refinery online hours before the oil rights revert back to the sympathetic Indigenous Eskimo people, led by that great Native American/Indigenous/First Nation actress Joan Chen. After Jennings' umpteenth attempt to kill Taft fails, our injured hero has one of those spiritual quests one finds in the movies or self-help getaways, and Taft wakes up reborn and ready to blow up and kill everyone in sight to save Mother Earth from big business.
Seagal picked the right technical team and cast to make his directorial debut (he has only directed a little-seen documentary on Ukraine in 2024). Aside from the miscast Chen and the slumming Caine, you'll catch John C. McGinley, R. Lee Ermey, an uncredited Louise Fletcher in an obviously trimmed role, and a puffy Billy Bob Thornton in an obviously padded role. The special effects suck, but the Alaskan scenery is breathtaking. Seagal cannot even nod convincingly onscreen. Saving the environment by blowing things up is more than a little hypocritical. Watching Seagal try to take the high road by blaming big business for the planet's problems in his infamous final speech would be more inspirational if the film was not overwhelmed with bloody violence, profanity, a weird gay-bashing subtext, racism, and just enough boobies to keep the teenage boys awake. "Save the planet, kill everyone" is not a rousing call to arms. Every character does or says something so stupid, and it is done with such seriousness, it's shocking.
Seagal is a joke, releasing unwatchable straight-to-video and streaming fare today, making me wonder where the iffy promise of "Above the Law" disappeared to. "On Deadly Ground"- what an appropriate title.
Stats:
(1994) 101 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Steven Seagal
-Written by Ed Horowitz & Robin U. Russin
-Cast: Steven Seagal, Michael Caine, Joan Chen, Louise Fletcher, Billy Bob Thornton, John C. McGinley, R. Lee Ermey, Shari Shattuck, Richard Hamilton, Chief Irvin Brink, Apanguluk Charlie Kairaiuak, Elsie Pistolhead, John Trudell
(R)
Media Viewed: Home Video
The Best Horror Films of the 1980's (as of 2003)
*I wrote this in 2003, so I guarantee this list has changed.*
Of the almost three thousand votes I have listed on Internet Movie Database (imdb.com), I recently noticed over one hundred and fifty of those were for horror films released in the 1980's. What better time than now to revisit the decade of slasher films and big hair, and do a top ten list? I certainly did not even see ten films released in 2003, and I certainly do not want to be left out of all the year end list making activities.
The Top Ten Best Horror Films of the 1980's:
10. Scarecrows (1988, William Wesley)
Scare-wha? This violent little story plops a bunch of payroll robbers in the middle of some green acres, and the local scarecrows begin killing them in grisly ways. The unrated version of this tape is a gore lover's dream, I haven't seen it in years, but I will always remember it.
9. Contagion (1987, Karl Zwicky)
Contay-huh? Another obscurity, this one from Down Under, mate. Man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, he seeks refuge at the only house close by, and becomes involved with its strange inhabitants. I picked this up on a whim at the video store, and it weirded me out, especially living in a rural state.
8. Pin (1988, Sandor Stern)
Okay, my final "say again?" video. Another whim rental that had me creeped out, this psychological chiller involves a boy, his sister, and their medical dummy who may or may not be alive. Really creepy, despite the predictable end. Full review here.
7. Gremlins (1984, Joe Dante)
I hated the sequel, so this original Christmas nightmare is still the best of the two. Creatures take over a small town and wreak havoc, it's as if demons had come to Bedford Falls. While parents were shielding their children's eyes in the theater, I was flabbergasted at its darkness, and dark comedy.
6. The Dead Zone (1983, David Cronenberg)
I made my poor Dad drag teenage me to this one after I read the novel, and I will never regret it. Christopher Walken is great as Stephen King's hero, who can see the future and runs into crazed politico Martin Sheen. Putting Walken into his own visions was a stroke of pure genius, King said so himself. Full review here.
5. Poltergeist (1982, Tobe Hooper)
The ultimate suburban nightmare, as an every-family is terrorized by ghosts in their brand new house. Too many quotable lines to list, but it still chills. The second one wasn't as good, and the third just plain stunk. This house is clean.
4. Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1988, Shinya Tsukamoto)
From suburban nightmare to mechanical nightmare. A man slowly evolves into a machine, all done in gritty black and white, with subtitles. Disturbing images abound, I have no real idea what it means, but it still gets to me just thinking about it. Full review here.
3. Dressed to Kill (1980, Brian De Palma)
A dressed up slasher film that victimizes women? Sure, but no one else this decade did it so well (just try and watch Lauren Bacall in "The Fan"). The cast is great in De Palma's homage to "Psycho," his camerawork is so bold and blatant, he makes the case against "less is more."
2. The Changeling (1980, Peter Medak)
Grieving widower George C. Scott is haunted by the tortured soul of a child in this creepy Canadian import. Here, less is more, as the effects are minimal but the scares are there. I saw this when I was twelve years old in 1980, and once in a while I'll see it on television and cower behind the couch.
and the winner is...
1. The Thing (1982, John Carpenter)
Remaking a beloved classic is one thing, but to actually improve on a sometimes stilted black and white 1950's film is another. Carpenter pulls out all the stops, after "Halloween," when he could do no wrong. Some of the grossest special effects ever populate a creepy paranoid thriller, with one of the best endings of all time. I simply love this movie, and Carpenter was my favorite director for a long time...until another remake, "Village of the Damned."
Of the almost three thousand votes I have listed on Internet Movie Database (imdb.com), I recently noticed over one hundred and fifty of those were for horror films released in the 1980's. What better time than now to revisit the decade of slasher films and big hair, and do a top ten list? I certainly did not even see ten films released in 2003, and I certainly do not want to be left out of all the year end list making activities.
The Top Ten Best Horror Films of the 1980's:
10. Scarecrows (1988, William Wesley)
Scare-wha? This violent little story plops a bunch of payroll robbers in the middle of some green acres, and the local scarecrows begin killing them in grisly ways. The unrated version of this tape is a gore lover's dream, I haven't seen it in years, but I will always remember it.
9. Contagion (1987, Karl Zwicky)
Contay-huh? Another obscurity, this one from Down Under, mate. Man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, he seeks refuge at the only house close by, and becomes involved with its strange inhabitants. I picked this up on a whim at the video store, and it weirded me out, especially living in a rural state.
8. Pin (1988, Sandor Stern)
Okay, my final "say again?" video. Another whim rental that had me creeped out, this psychological chiller involves a boy, his sister, and their medical dummy who may or may not be alive. Really creepy, despite the predictable end. Full review here.
7. Gremlins (1984, Joe Dante)
I hated the sequel, so this original Christmas nightmare is still the best of the two. Creatures take over a small town and wreak havoc, it's as if demons had come to Bedford Falls. While parents were shielding their children's eyes in the theater, I was flabbergasted at its darkness, and dark comedy.
6. The Dead Zone (1983, David Cronenberg)
I made my poor Dad drag teenage me to this one after I read the novel, and I will never regret it. Christopher Walken is great as Stephen King's hero, who can see the future and runs into crazed politico Martin Sheen. Putting Walken into his own visions was a stroke of pure genius, King said so himself. Full review here.
5. Poltergeist (1982, Tobe Hooper)
The ultimate suburban nightmare, as an every-family is terrorized by ghosts in their brand new house. Too many quotable lines to list, but it still chills. The second one wasn't as good, and the third just plain stunk. This house is clean.
4. Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1988, Shinya Tsukamoto)
From suburban nightmare to mechanical nightmare. A man slowly evolves into a machine, all done in gritty black and white, with subtitles. Disturbing images abound, I have no real idea what it means, but it still gets to me just thinking about it. Full review here.
3. Dressed to Kill (1980, Brian De Palma)
A dressed up slasher film that victimizes women? Sure, but no one else this decade did it so well (just try and watch Lauren Bacall in "The Fan"). The cast is great in De Palma's homage to "Psycho," his camerawork is so bold and blatant, he makes the case against "less is more."
2. The Changeling (1980, Peter Medak)
Grieving widower George C. Scott is haunted by the tortured soul of a child in this creepy Canadian import. Here, less is more, as the effects are minimal but the scares are there. I saw this when I was twelve years old in 1980, and once in a while I'll see it on television and cower behind the couch.
and the winner is...
1. The Thing (1982, John Carpenter)
Remaking a beloved classic is one thing, but to actually improve on a sometimes stilted black and white 1950's film is another. Carpenter pulls out all the stops, after "Halloween," when he could do no wrong. Some of the grossest special effects ever populate a creepy paranoid thriller, with one of the best endings of all time. I simply love this movie, and Carpenter was my favorite director for a long time...until another remake, "Village of the Damned."
Thursday, May 29, 2025
Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)
Just another Japanese-language, surreal, horrifying, chilling, gross, sadistic, industrial sixty seven minute nightmare in glorious black and white.
What can I say about the plot? A victim of a hit-and-run accident has his revenge on the couple that ran him over. That sounds like a pitch to an average Hollywood movie, and it has been done, but "Tetsuo: The Iron Man" quickly leaves all safe Hollywood ingredients in its wake. The victim somehow gets the male driver to slowly turn into a raging machine. It starts with a small wire sticking out of his cheek. Soon, he is being chased in a subway terminal by a woman with the mechanical affliction. He escapes her, but still tries to make it with his girlfriend. In the film's most horrific scenes, he grows a giant ugly drill, and the two spend many minutes both trying to kill and love each other. Halfway through, we find out what the victim is trying to do, and the climax involves the two men joining together in more ways than one.
Surrealism is so hard to describe- quick, give me the plot of "Un Chien Andalou," but this film is one of the most violent films I have seen. So much can be read into this, from machines taking over our world, to impersonal love relationships, but all in all, director and writer Tsukamoto stuns the viewer with eye imploding visuals. The stop motion special effects work well, and everyone involved seems to be in actual pain in many scenes. The makeup and mechanical costuming are top notch, and the music totally kills- not quite heavy industrial, but not just another rock soundtrack, either. There is not a lot of blood here- there are torrents of it. This is a blood monsoon. The soundtrack has little dialogue, and the sound effects consist of a lot of metal scraping metal, which had me climbing the walls. Watch for the now infamous scene as the unnamed man feeds his girlfriend breakfast.
"Tetsuo: The Iron Man" is a hardcore sci-fi/horror fan's dream, I'll never curse my car or microwave again. Followed by a sequel.
Stats:
(1989) 67 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Shin'ya Tsukamoto
-Cast: Tomoro Taguchi, Kei Fujiwara, Nobu Kanaoka, Shin'ya Tsukamoto, Naomasa Musaka, Renji Ishibashi
(Unrated)
Media Viewed: VHS
What can I say about the plot? A victim of a hit-and-run accident has his revenge on the couple that ran him over. That sounds like a pitch to an average Hollywood movie, and it has been done, but "Tetsuo: The Iron Man" quickly leaves all safe Hollywood ingredients in its wake. The victim somehow gets the male driver to slowly turn into a raging machine. It starts with a small wire sticking out of his cheek. Soon, he is being chased in a subway terminal by a woman with the mechanical affliction. He escapes her, but still tries to make it with his girlfriend. In the film's most horrific scenes, he grows a giant ugly drill, and the two spend many minutes both trying to kill and love each other. Halfway through, we find out what the victim is trying to do, and the climax involves the two men joining together in more ways than one.
Surrealism is so hard to describe- quick, give me the plot of "Un Chien Andalou," but this film is one of the most violent films I have seen. So much can be read into this, from machines taking over our world, to impersonal love relationships, but all in all, director and writer Tsukamoto stuns the viewer with eye imploding visuals. The stop motion special effects work well, and everyone involved seems to be in actual pain in many scenes. The makeup and mechanical costuming are top notch, and the music totally kills- not quite heavy industrial, but not just another rock soundtrack, either. There is not a lot of blood here- there are torrents of it. This is a blood monsoon. The soundtrack has little dialogue, and the sound effects consist of a lot of metal scraping metal, which had me climbing the walls. Watch for the now infamous scene as the unnamed man feeds his girlfriend breakfast.
"Tetsuo: The Iron Man" is a hardcore sci-fi/horror fan's dream, I'll never curse my car or microwave again. Followed by a sequel.
Stats:
(1989) 67 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Shin'ya Tsukamoto
-Cast: Tomoro Taguchi, Kei Fujiwara, Nobu Kanaoka, Shin'ya Tsukamoto, Naomasa Musaka, Renji Ishibashi
(Unrated)
Media Viewed: VHS
Wednesday, May 28, 2025
First Family (1980)
I guess I have something in common with comedians Harvey Korman and Fred Willard, aside from being hilarious. Both men appeared in the 1979 political comedy "Americathon," which was a disaster. Not learning their lesson, they appeared in this even-worse political comedy. I watched "Americathon," didn't learn my lesson, and viewed this monstrosity days afterward.
President Manfred Link (Bob Newhart) is an unpopular president dealing with his idiotic administration as well as drunken First Lady Constance (Madeleine Kahn) and oversexed virgin daughter Gloria (Gilda Radner). The Links get roped into visiting the backward island of Upper Gorm, and discover the United States needs Upper Gorm more than Upper Gorm needs the United States.
Slight plot summary? Slightly plotted film. I don't know what Buck Henry was thinking writing and directing this (his first and last stab at solo directing a theatrical film), or what the performers read when they signed onto this (much like "Americathon"). How could these winning comedians be this unfunny? I cringed constantly as joke after joke, and set-up after set-up, would bomb badly. Scenes would drag on forever, with no purpose other than to get a cheap laugh that isn't there, and Henry kept the camera rolling, confident that something was going to stick. The cast flailed and underperformed, the sets and special effects look cheap, and Henry's camera set-ups are terrible. This isn't smart and satirical, this is stupid- a word I rarely use to describe a film, but I'm making an exception here.
"First Family" makes "Americathon" look like "Being There." I waited forty-five years to finally watch this thing, and now I wish I could have put it off for another forty-five years.
Stats:
(1980) 97 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Buck Henry
-Cast: Bob Newhart, Gilda Radner, Madeleine Kahn, Richard Benjamin, Bob Dishy, Harvey Korman, Austin Pendleton, Rip Torn, Fred Willard, John Hancock, Julius Harris, Buck Henry, Miriam Flynn, Roger Bowen
(R)- Mild physical violence, some profanity, some sexual content, strong sexual references, some adult situations, alcohol use
Media Viewed: DVD
President Manfred Link (Bob Newhart) is an unpopular president dealing with his idiotic administration as well as drunken First Lady Constance (Madeleine Kahn) and oversexed virgin daughter Gloria (Gilda Radner). The Links get roped into visiting the backward island of Upper Gorm, and discover the United States needs Upper Gorm more than Upper Gorm needs the United States.
Slight plot summary? Slightly plotted film. I don't know what Buck Henry was thinking writing and directing this (his first and last stab at solo directing a theatrical film), or what the performers read when they signed onto this (much like "Americathon"). How could these winning comedians be this unfunny? I cringed constantly as joke after joke, and set-up after set-up, would bomb badly. Scenes would drag on forever, with no purpose other than to get a cheap laugh that isn't there, and Henry kept the camera rolling, confident that something was going to stick. The cast flailed and underperformed, the sets and special effects look cheap, and Henry's camera set-ups are terrible. This isn't smart and satirical, this is stupid- a word I rarely use to describe a film, but I'm making an exception here.
"First Family" makes "Americathon" look like "Being There." I waited forty-five years to finally watch this thing, and now I wish I could have put it off for another forty-five years.
Stats:
(1980) 97 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Buck Henry
-Cast: Bob Newhart, Gilda Radner, Madeleine Kahn, Richard Benjamin, Bob Dishy, Harvey Korman, Austin Pendleton, Rip Torn, Fred Willard, John Hancock, Julius Harris, Buck Henry, Miriam Flynn, Roger Bowen
(R)- Mild physical violence, some profanity, some sexual content, strong sexual references, some adult situations, alcohol use
Media Viewed: DVD
Legion (2010)
This slick apocalyptic melodrama is long on style but short on substance.
Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) descends on an isolated diner in the middle of the desert. For being an isolated diner, it contains a lot of characters: owner Bob (Dennis Quaid), his son Jeep (Lucas Black) who is in love with pregnant waitress Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), cook Percy (Charles S. Dutton), traveler Kyle (Tyrese Gibson), and upper class couple the Andersons (John Tenney, Kate Walsh) and their spoiled daughter (Willa Holland). In the film's most memorable scene, sweet old lady Gladys (Jeanette Miller) wanders in and upsets the patrons and staff of the diner by insulting Charlie and her unborn child, crawling up walls, and trying to kill everyone. There's a battle going on in Heaven, and the diner is the first line of defense here on Earth.
The cast is full of underrated performers who almost pull this otherwise silly stuff off. The theology and reasoning behind the heavenly battle is never made clear, as is Charlie's baby's involvement. For every startling scene of havoc, we get a lot of talk and some awkward characterization that drags the film to a crawl. Stewart has a good eye and the screenwriters play up the sense of dread, but the viewer requires more reason to support the characters than what we're given. The script doesn't get bogged down in heavy theology, but a little guidance as to what exactly is going on with Archangels Michael and Gabriel (an always great Kevin Durand) might have helped- instead of a long physical fight. Kudos to the production design and set decorators, I totally believed this was a desert-bound diner in the middle of nowhere.
"Legion" is ultimately forgettable, don't confuse this with Stewart's "Priest" (also starring Bettany), or William Peter Blatty's director's cut of "The Exorcist III: Legion" based on his novel. Followed by the television series "Dominion."
Stats:
(2010) 100 min. (5/10)
-Directed by Scott Stewart
-Written by Peter Schink and Scott Stewart
-Cast: Paul Bettany, Adrianne Palicki, Dennis Quaid, Charles S. Dutton, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson, Kate Walsh, Kevin Durand, Jon Tenney, Willa Holland, Jeanette Miller, Doug Jones, Cameron Harlow
(R)- Physical violence, strong gun violence, strong violence involving children, strong gore, profanity, adult situations, alcohol and tobacco use
Media Viewed: Streaming
Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) descends on an isolated diner in the middle of the desert. For being an isolated diner, it contains a lot of characters: owner Bob (Dennis Quaid), his son Jeep (Lucas Black) who is in love with pregnant waitress Charlie (Adrianne Palicki), cook Percy (Charles S. Dutton), traveler Kyle (Tyrese Gibson), and upper class couple the Andersons (John Tenney, Kate Walsh) and their spoiled daughter (Willa Holland). In the film's most memorable scene, sweet old lady Gladys (Jeanette Miller) wanders in and upsets the patrons and staff of the diner by insulting Charlie and her unborn child, crawling up walls, and trying to kill everyone. There's a battle going on in Heaven, and the diner is the first line of defense here on Earth.
The cast is full of underrated performers who almost pull this otherwise silly stuff off. The theology and reasoning behind the heavenly battle is never made clear, as is Charlie's baby's involvement. For every startling scene of havoc, we get a lot of talk and some awkward characterization that drags the film to a crawl. Stewart has a good eye and the screenwriters play up the sense of dread, but the viewer requires more reason to support the characters than what we're given. The script doesn't get bogged down in heavy theology, but a little guidance as to what exactly is going on with Archangels Michael and Gabriel (an always great Kevin Durand) might have helped- instead of a long physical fight. Kudos to the production design and set decorators, I totally believed this was a desert-bound diner in the middle of nowhere.
"Legion" is ultimately forgettable, don't confuse this with Stewart's "Priest" (also starring Bettany), or William Peter Blatty's director's cut of "The Exorcist III: Legion" based on his novel. Followed by the television series "Dominion."
Stats:
(2010) 100 min. (5/10)
-Directed by Scott Stewart
-Written by Peter Schink and Scott Stewart
-Cast: Paul Bettany, Adrianne Palicki, Dennis Quaid, Charles S. Dutton, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson, Kate Walsh, Kevin Durand, Jon Tenney, Willa Holland, Jeanette Miller, Doug Jones, Cameron Harlow
(R)- Physical violence, strong gun violence, strong violence involving children, strong gore, profanity, adult situations, alcohol and tobacco use
Media Viewed: Streaming
Pin (1988)
This is truly one of the most bizarre films to ever come out of Canada.
David Hewlett is Leon, and Cynthia Preston is Ursula. Leon and Ursula had a strange upbringing. Their mother is a neat freak of the highest order, and very controlling. Dad (Terry O'Quinn) is an emotionally detached doctor. He learns to raise his children by throwing his voice into a life-size medical dummy named Pin (after Pinocchio). Pin becomes a part of the children's lives, to the point where Leon is obsessed with him, and uses his own voice in place of his father's. Mom and Dad are killed in a car accident with Pin in the back seat, and Leon brings Pin home, eventually dressing him in his dead father's clothes and insisting on letting Ursula's dates meet him. Pin begins telling Leon what to do...and who to kill.
This is not your silly '80's slasher fare, or even something along the lines of "Magic" or "Child's Play." This is a very creepy effort helped by great performances by Hewlett and Preston. Hewlett's Leon is not all facial tics and googly-eyed movie mental illness, he turns in an outstanding performance as a sheltered adult whose life revolves around the medical dummy. His reading of his "poetry," where he imagines the main character assaulting their own sister, is chilling. Preston has an equally hard part, but plays it well. She loves her brother, but is torn between him and her new boyfriend. She is not as weird as Leon, but Ursula was raised this way and shows signs here and there of childhood trauma. The script, however, ruins a key plot point. The final shot is chilling, but if you pay attention, it is not surprising. A really scary musical score accentuates the sterile house the siblings live in. Special effects are kept to a minimum, thank goodness, adding to the suspense. The director of this was the screenwriter on "The Amityville Horror," and he has a good eye.
"Pin" is one of those films that you probably saw at the video store back in the day, but passed it up in favor of something else. Give it a chance, and those other films will pale by comparison. I highly recommend it. Also known as "Pin...," "Pin: A Plastic Nightmare," and "Deadly Friend."
Stats:
(1988) 103 min. (10/10)
-Directed by Sandor Stern
-Screenplay by Sandor Stern based on the novel by Andrew Neiderman
-Cast: David Hewlett, Cynthia Preston, Terry O'Quinn, Bronwen Mantel, John Pyper-Ferguson, Helene Udy, Patricia Collins, Steven Bednarski, Katie Shingler, Jacob Tierney, Michelle Anderson, Joan Austen, Jamie Stern
(R)
Media Viewed: Home Video
David Hewlett is Leon, and Cynthia Preston is Ursula. Leon and Ursula had a strange upbringing. Their mother is a neat freak of the highest order, and very controlling. Dad (Terry O'Quinn) is an emotionally detached doctor. He learns to raise his children by throwing his voice into a life-size medical dummy named Pin (after Pinocchio). Pin becomes a part of the children's lives, to the point where Leon is obsessed with him, and uses his own voice in place of his father's. Mom and Dad are killed in a car accident with Pin in the back seat, and Leon brings Pin home, eventually dressing him in his dead father's clothes and insisting on letting Ursula's dates meet him. Pin begins telling Leon what to do...and who to kill.
This is not your silly '80's slasher fare, or even something along the lines of "Magic" or "Child's Play." This is a very creepy effort helped by great performances by Hewlett and Preston. Hewlett's Leon is not all facial tics and googly-eyed movie mental illness, he turns in an outstanding performance as a sheltered adult whose life revolves around the medical dummy. His reading of his "poetry," where he imagines the main character assaulting their own sister, is chilling. Preston has an equally hard part, but plays it well. She loves her brother, but is torn between him and her new boyfriend. She is not as weird as Leon, but Ursula was raised this way and shows signs here and there of childhood trauma. The script, however, ruins a key plot point. The final shot is chilling, but if you pay attention, it is not surprising. A really scary musical score accentuates the sterile house the siblings live in. Special effects are kept to a minimum, thank goodness, adding to the suspense. The director of this was the screenwriter on "The Amityville Horror," and he has a good eye.
"Pin" is one of those films that you probably saw at the video store back in the day, but passed it up in favor of something else. Give it a chance, and those other films will pale by comparison. I highly recommend it. Also known as "Pin...," "Pin: A Plastic Nightmare," and "Deadly Friend."
Stats:
(1988) 103 min. (10/10)
-Directed by Sandor Stern
-Screenplay by Sandor Stern based on the novel by Andrew Neiderman
-Cast: David Hewlett, Cynthia Preston, Terry O'Quinn, Bronwen Mantel, John Pyper-Ferguson, Helene Udy, Patricia Collins, Steven Bednarski, Katie Shingler, Jacob Tierney, Michelle Anderson, Joan Austen, Jamie Stern
(R)
Media Viewed: Home Video
Sunday, May 25, 2025
The Picture of Dorian Gray (1945)
Albert Lewin does a masterful job of writing and directing the famous novel by Oscar Wilde, but forgets to direct the film's main star.
Basil (Lowell Gilmore) paints a life-size portrait of his twenty-something friend, Dorian (Hurd Hatfield). Their mutual cad, Henry (George Sanders), is always around to say something pithy and urbane, and much talk is bandied about around the essence of the soul. Everyone wants to remain young forever, including Dorian, who realizes this wish and much more. Dorian becomes semi-engaged to dance hall performer Sibyl (Angela Lansbury) but at Henry's suggestion Dorian treats her cruelly and dumps her to test their relationship. Dorian feels no remorse, deciding to let nothing affect him. He also notices Basil's portrait changes. The painting is aging as Dorian keeps his youthful appearance, and it takes on the pain of conscience that Dorian lacks. Dorian is staying eternally young as those around him age, and finds love again with Basil's niece Gladys (Donna Reed). Unfortunately, living a life without a soul begins to get to Dorian.
Lewin's direction is masterful. He uses shadow to crank up tension and atmosphere, without ever going over the top into out-and-out horror. The set design is brilliant, Dorian's childhood school room, where he hides the painting, is wonderful. Lewin shot the film in black and white, save for a couple of Technicolor shots of the portrait. The portrait's original beauty, when it is simply a painting of Dorian, and the later incarnation, as it takes on all of Dorian's faults and turns the figure into a monster, are breathtaking. The supporting cast is wonderful, Sanders steals every scene he is in, rattling off Wilde's rich and wry observations without stopping to breathe. Lansbury is luminous, and Reed makes a great love interest. The script moves along, full of rich characters, although it stumbles a bit when trying to explain the source of the portrait's supernatural abilities.
The glaring mistake is Hatfield in the title role. He is not good, and I am afraid this may be due to the direction instead of Hatfield's ability as an actor. When we see that Dorian is devoid of feeling and emotion, Hatfield unfortunately plays him as bland. His face is a blank, not registering ANYTHING. He takes indifferent and unemotional and turns it into wooden and bored, with a hint of ignorance. As death begins swirling around Dorian, Hatfield looks oblivious, not unfeeling or menacing. I do not know whose decision this was, but it does not work for me.
"The Picture of Dorian Gray" is a wonderful film that needed a strong core performance to put it in the "classic" genre. It did not get it, but what is here is still worthy.
Stats:
(1945) 110 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Albert Lewin
-Written by Albert Lewin based on the novel by Oscar Wilde
-Cast: George Sanders, Hurd Hatfield, Donna Reed, Angela Lansbury, Lowell Gilmore, Peter Lawford, Richard Fraser, Douglas Walton, Morton Lowry, Miles Mander, Lydia Bilbrook, Mary Forbes, Robert Greig
(Not Rated)
Media Viewed: Home Video
*Academy Awards*
-Best Supporting Actress- Angela Lansbury (lost to Anne Revere- "National Velvet")
-Best Cinematography- Black & White (won)
-Best Art Direction/Set Decoration- Black & White (lost to "Blood on the Sun")
Basil (Lowell Gilmore) paints a life-size portrait of his twenty-something friend, Dorian (Hurd Hatfield). Their mutual cad, Henry (George Sanders), is always around to say something pithy and urbane, and much talk is bandied about around the essence of the soul. Everyone wants to remain young forever, including Dorian, who realizes this wish and much more. Dorian becomes semi-engaged to dance hall performer Sibyl (Angela Lansbury) but at Henry's suggestion Dorian treats her cruelly and dumps her to test their relationship. Dorian feels no remorse, deciding to let nothing affect him. He also notices Basil's portrait changes. The painting is aging as Dorian keeps his youthful appearance, and it takes on the pain of conscience that Dorian lacks. Dorian is staying eternally young as those around him age, and finds love again with Basil's niece Gladys (Donna Reed). Unfortunately, living a life without a soul begins to get to Dorian.
Lewin's direction is masterful. He uses shadow to crank up tension and atmosphere, without ever going over the top into out-and-out horror. The set design is brilliant, Dorian's childhood school room, where he hides the painting, is wonderful. Lewin shot the film in black and white, save for a couple of Technicolor shots of the portrait. The portrait's original beauty, when it is simply a painting of Dorian, and the later incarnation, as it takes on all of Dorian's faults and turns the figure into a monster, are breathtaking. The supporting cast is wonderful, Sanders steals every scene he is in, rattling off Wilde's rich and wry observations without stopping to breathe. Lansbury is luminous, and Reed makes a great love interest. The script moves along, full of rich characters, although it stumbles a bit when trying to explain the source of the portrait's supernatural abilities.
The glaring mistake is Hatfield in the title role. He is not good, and I am afraid this may be due to the direction instead of Hatfield's ability as an actor. When we see that Dorian is devoid of feeling and emotion, Hatfield unfortunately plays him as bland. His face is a blank, not registering ANYTHING. He takes indifferent and unemotional and turns it into wooden and bored, with a hint of ignorance. As death begins swirling around Dorian, Hatfield looks oblivious, not unfeeling or menacing. I do not know whose decision this was, but it does not work for me.
"The Picture of Dorian Gray" is a wonderful film that needed a strong core performance to put it in the "classic" genre. It did not get it, but what is here is still worthy.
Stats:
(1945) 110 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Albert Lewin
-Written by Albert Lewin based on the novel by Oscar Wilde
-Cast: George Sanders, Hurd Hatfield, Donna Reed, Angela Lansbury, Lowell Gilmore, Peter Lawford, Richard Fraser, Douglas Walton, Morton Lowry, Miles Mander, Lydia Bilbrook, Mary Forbes, Robert Greig
(Not Rated)
Media Viewed: Home Video
*Academy Awards*
-Best Supporting Actress- Angela Lansbury (lost to Anne Revere- "National Velvet")
-Best Cinematography- Black & White (won)
-Best Art Direction/Set Decoration- Black & White (lost to "Blood on the Sun")
Saturday, May 24, 2025
Becoming Evil: Serial Killers of the Old West (2021)
This cheap, lousy entry was my first viewing of the "Becoming Evil" series that documents infamous crimes and serial killers. It might be my last.
Narrated by Tom Kimball, the film is made up of badly rendered historical reenactment footage telling the story of how serial killers are not a modern product- outlaws and gunfighters could be lumped into the category based on their body count. The film then plunges into some surface information about different "serial killers" (a term used dozens of times throughout the film), with talking heads and actual photographs of dead bodies.
This is an interesting hypothesis, one I have been supporting for years in the face of the Hollywood Heroization of many of these career criminals (for me, it started with "American Outlaws," the mostest funnest Jesse James biopic evah), and don't even get me started on Bonnie and Clyde. The film makers gather their material, which never rises above daytime basic cable television quality, and plop it onscreen. Even at under two hours, this took me three days to complete. I was quickly bored, snorting awake when narrator Kimball would imitate one of the historical subjects' voices- they all had Southern drawls, go figure- or when a couple of racial slurs slip out since the film is obsessed with the skin colors of the killers and victims. As artificial intelligence becomes a worry in Hollywood, I think I would prefer it to this internet search-type of writing- dates and names are bandied about, old photographs are shown of people who may not be the subjects talked about, and by the time you get caught up in a case, the film makers breathlessly go on to the next Wiki-sounding biography or bring up a few modern serial killers for comparison. Come on, the Servant Girl Murders, the Bender family, and John Wesley Hardin deserve their own dark documentaries, not the scant coverage here.
True crime and historical documentary viewers will be very disappointed in this, as will the average moviegoer. Additional online homework shouldn't be a requirement after watching a film like this.
Stats:
(2021) 108 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Ronald C. Meyer
-Featuring Tom Kimball, Bob Boze Bell, Nick Volich, Kathy Weiser-Alexander, Rick Beyer, Dirk Duran-Gibson, Larry D. O'Neal, Deb Goodrich, Tom Goodrich, Gary Chilcote, Marc Ferguson, Doris Scism, Jared Chatterley, Steven Zimmer
(Not Rated)- Physical violence, gun violence, sexual violence references, some extreme gore, some profanity, strong adult situations
Narrated by Tom Kimball, the film is made up of badly rendered historical reenactment footage telling the story of how serial killers are not a modern product- outlaws and gunfighters could be lumped into the category based on their body count. The film then plunges into some surface information about different "serial killers" (a term used dozens of times throughout the film), with talking heads and actual photographs of dead bodies.
This is an interesting hypothesis, one I have been supporting for years in the face of the Hollywood Heroization of many of these career criminals (for me, it started with "American Outlaws," the mostest funnest Jesse James biopic evah), and don't even get me started on Bonnie and Clyde. The film makers gather their material, which never rises above daytime basic cable television quality, and plop it onscreen. Even at under two hours, this took me three days to complete. I was quickly bored, snorting awake when narrator Kimball would imitate one of the historical subjects' voices- they all had Southern drawls, go figure- or when a couple of racial slurs slip out since the film is obsessed with the skin colors of the killers and victims. As artificial intelligence becomes a worry in Hollywood, I think I would prefer it to this internet search-type of writing- dates and names are bandied about, old photographs are shown of people who may not be the subjects talked about, and by the time you get caught up in a case, the film makers breathlessly go on to the next Wiki-sounding biography or bring up a few modern serial killers for comparison. Come on, the Servant Girl Murders, the Bender family, and John Wesley Hardin deserve their own dark documentaries, not the scant coverage here.
True crime and historical documentary viewers will be very disappointed in this, as will the average moviegoer. Additional online homework shouldn't be a requirement after watching a film like this.
Stats:
(2021) 108 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Ronald C. Meyer
-Featuring Tom Kimball, Bob Boze Bell, Nick Volich, Kathy Weiser-Alexander, Rick Beyer, Dirk Duran-Gibson, Larry D. O'Neal, Deb Goodrich, Tom Goodrich, Gary Chilcote, Marc Ferguson, Doris Scism, Jared Chatterley, Steven Zimmer
(Not Rated)- Physical violence, gun violence, sexual violence references, some extreme gore, some profanity, strong adult situations
The Video Store Grab 'n' Run: The Malevolent Seven
*This was written about twenty years ago, when video stores were still "a thing."*
*Get "Second Sight" on Amazon here*
*Get "Sgt. Bilko" on Amazon here*
*Get "Soldier" on Amazon here*
*Get "Speed 2: Cruise Control" on Amazon here*
*Get "Splendor" on Amazon here*
*Get "Split Decisions" on Amazon here*
*Get "Street Smart" on Amazon here*
You remember the drill- I go find videos I have not seen, grab, run, and review them. With a video store gift card in hand, I entered a local establishment and picked videos from the letter of "S." Why "S"? Why not? The videos were due back in five days, so I only chose two. I scouted out my independent music seller, who just dumped all his video rental stock for fifty cents a tape (sorry, he kept the porn to rent out). I picked three videos there, and the total cost to me for this column so far comes to under two bucks. Why I think I'll splurge on a Diet Dr. Pepper while I'm here! I then hit the local library for a couple of more entries. My county library is tiny. The city library is huge, but the county library is small. This is the place I retire to after work to kick back and write these missives on one of their computers. Sometimes those computers are being used by smelly weird people who like the "Spank Me, I'm Your Slave" chat rooms, but when they get up to, ahem, "use the restroom," I am able to reach the rest of the world via the 'net. The library has a ton of videos for check out for absolutely nothing. These videos have been donated by both patrons and video stores going out of business, so next to big hits of yesterday sits obscure stuff even I am skittish about renting.
This week's seven picks run the gamut: from Comedy- "Second Sight," "Sgt. Bilko," and "Splendor," from Action- "Soldier" and "Speed 2: Cruise Control," and from Drama- "Split Decisions" and "Street Smart." I sit back, curse the snowstorm that is contributing to my determination to move to Key West or Tahiti once my kids are grown up, and whip out the Bilko- and then I watch the first movie.
Steve Martin is a funny guy. He is so thoughtful in interviews, and good onscreen, I have always liked him. Of course, I have not always liked the movies he has made, and "Sgt. Bilko" is one of them. First off, Martin is a riot. He is the only reason to see this weak military comedy. When Martin is not on, the movie sucks. When on, it does not suck as much. The plot is not important since this is a one man show for its star. Ignore the supporting cast and bask in Martin's Bilko, and nothing more.
Kurt Russell is the lead in "Soldier," but nothing he tries can save a tedious sci-fi action flick. Russell is a human killing machine who is retired and dumped on a garbage planet after being replaced by genetically altered soldiers. Russell lives with some refugees, learns the true meaning of love, peace, and Christmas, then battles the very same genetic soldiers, who happen to arrive on the very same garbage planet for maneuvers. I could watch Connie Nielsen read out of a phone book, but nothing can save this shoot-'em-up junk that quickly bores. Good cast, lousy flick.
Sandra Bullock returns as Annie, that delightful bus driving pixie from "Speed," in "Speed 2: Franchise Out of Control." Jason Patric makes a poor substitute for Keanu Reeves, Willem Dafoe makes a poor villain, and Jan de Bont makes a poor action flick that fails on any level where dialogue or common sense is needed. This film throws everything it can think of on the screen, and nothing sticks. Huge disappointment.
Threesome, anyone? I can get a babysitter. Okay, how about "Splendor"? Kathleen Robertson cannot make up her mind about who she loves more, dumb musician Matt Keeslar or brooding writer Johnathon Schaech. She begins seeing both, and the three move in together. Then Robertson meets Eric Mabius. Maybe he is the right guy for her, even though she does not love him. Schaech and Keeslar finally wake up and smell the pregnancy test, and fight to win their girl back. Edgy director Gregg Araki did this oddball comedy, which almost works. The script has a few laughs scattered about, the cast is so immensely likable you may want to sleep with them all, but Araki's direction is lacking, it pulls the rest of the project down with it. I have not liked any of his previous films, so I am still waiting for that one film I know he is directing just for me, a freelance film critic with relationship issues and a dead-end manual labor job. Yeah, I know I'm the only one out there.
Have you ever seen a film that was so bad, you wanted to harm yourself? No? Well, just pop in "Second Sight," and grimace at what falls off the screen and piles on your rug. John Larroquette plays his Dan Fielding TV character to another version of Bronson Pinchot's Balki in this stupid comedy about a Catholic cardinal's kidnapping in Boston. Bostonians should have dumped the film makers in the harbor, not the tea. There is not one laugh in this turgid flick about a psychic detective agency, but you will be moaning and maybe sobbing a little. That's what I did. This was one of the videos I picked up for fifty cents. Two quarters, and I feel ripped off and violated. I think I found the worst film of the group.
Let's take a few rounds in the ring. "Split Decisions" is a boxing drama about Gene Hackman and his two sons, Jeff Fahey and Craig Sheffer. It's simple, Fahey is murdered, Hackman and Sheffer avenge- in the ring. The plot is so implausible, it ruins the good performances and nicely handled direction. This was another fifty center that may find an audience- at my local library's annual book sale after I donate the tape.
"Street Smart" is another drama, featuring Christopher Reeve, Kathy Baker, and Morgan Freeman. Reeve makes up a magazine story about a pimp, and pimp Freeman tries to use Reeve as his alibi in a murder investigation as Reeve's lie brings down the lives of those around him. While the acting is top notch, it is hard to get behind Reeve's character. Helpful advice to him like "you idiot, you shouldn't have lied," and "don't sleep with the hooker" kept getting stuck in my throat. A technically good film, I hated the main character so much I could not recommend it.
There we have them- seven films. None of them really made me tingle in my special place, but if I had to rank them best to worst:
1. Splendor
2. Street Smart
3. Split Decisions
4. Sgt. Bilko
5. Soldier
6. Speed 2: Cruise Control
7. Second Sight
I don't know when the next column will rear its ugly head, but I need to hit the stores, libraries, rummage sales, and that storage box marked "important papers- do not open" collecting dust under the bed. Full length reviews for the seven films up now, the next column will definitely be just five...yes, I'm almost done with the computer...sorry, Mistress Katrina has a computer "appointment"...see you next time.
*Get "Second Sight" on Amazon here*
*Get "Sgt. Bilko" on Amazon here*
*Get "Soldier" on Amazon here*
*Get "Speed 2: Cruise Control" on Amazon here*
*Get "Splendor" on Amazon here*
*Get "Split Decisions" on Amazon here*
*Get "Street Smart" on Amazon here*
You remember the drill- I go find videos I have not seen, grab, run, and review them. With a video store gift card in hand, I entered a local establishment and picked videos from the letter of "S." Why "S"? Why not? The videos were due back in five days, so I only chose two. I scouted out my independent music seller, who just dumped all his video rental stock for fifty cents a tape (sorry, he kept the porn to rent out). I picked three videos there, and the total cost to me for this column so far comes to under two bucks. Why I think I'll splurge on a Diet Dr. Pepper while I'm here! I then hit the local library for a couple of more entries. My county library is tiny. The city library is huge, but the county library is small. This is the place I retire to after work to kick back and write these missives on one of their computers. Sometimes those computers are being used by smelly weird people who like the "Spank Me, I'm Your Slave" chat rooms, but when they get up to, ahem, "use the restroom," I am able to reach the rest of the world via the 'net. The library has a ton of videos for check out for absolutely nothing. These videos have been donated by both patrons and video stores going out of business, so next to big hits of yesterday sits obscure stuff even I am skittish about renting.
This week's seven picks run the gamut: from Comedy- "Second Sight," "Sgt. Bilko," and "Splendor," from Action- "Soldier" and "Speed 2: Cruise Control," and from Drama- "Split Decisions" and "Street Smart." I sit back, curse the snowstorm that is contributing to my determination to move to Key West or Tahiti once my kids are grown up, and whip out the Bilko- and then I watch the first movie.
Steve Martin is a funny guy. He is so thoughtful in interviews, and good onscreen, I have always liked him. Of course, I have not always liked the movies he has made, and "Sgt. Bilko" is one of them. First off, Martin is a riot. He is the only reason to see this weak military comedy. When Martin is not on, the movie sucks. When on, it does not suck as much. The plot is not important since this is a one man show for its star. Ignore the supporting cast and bask in Martin's Bilko, and nothing more.
Kurt Russell is the lead in "Soldier," but nothing he tries can save a tedious sci-fi action flick. Russell is a human killing machine who is retired and dumped on a garbage planet after being replaced by genetically altered soldiers. Russell lives with some refugees, learns the true meaning of love, peace, and Christmas, then battles the very same genetic soldiers, who happen to arrive on the very same garbage planet for maneuvers. I could watch Connie Nielsen read out of a phone book, but nothing can save this shoot-'em-up junk that quickly bores. Good cast, lousy flick.
Sandra Bullock returns as Annie, that delightful bus driving pixie from "Speed," in "Speed 2: Franchise Out of Control." Jason Patric makes a poor substitute for Keanu Reeves, Willem Dafoe makes a poor villain, and Jan de Bont makes a poor action flick that fails on any level where dialogue or common sense is needed. This film throws everything it can think of on the screen, and nothing sticks. Huge disappointment.
Threesome, anyone? I can get a babysitter. Okay, how about "Splendor"? Kathleen Robertson cannot make up her mind about who she loves more, dumb musician Matt Keeslar or brooding writer Johnathon Schaech. She begins seeing both, and the three move in together. Then Robertson meets Eric Mabius. Maybe he is the right guy for her, even though she does not love him. Schaech and Keeslar finally wake up and smell the pregnancy test, and fight to win their girl back. Edgy director Gregg Araki did this oddball comedy, which almost works. The script has a few laughs scattered about, the cast is so immensely likable you may want to sleep with them all, but Araki's direction is lacking, it pulls the rest of the project down with it. I have not liked any of his previous films, so I am still waiting for that one film I know he is directing just for me, a freelance film critic with relationship issues and a dead-end manual labor job. Yeah, I know I'm the only one out there.
Have you ever seen a film that was so bad, you wanted to harm yourself? No? Well, just pop in "Second Sight," and grimace at what falls off the screen and piles on your rug. John Larroquette plays his Dan Fielding TV character to another version of Bronson Pinchot's Balki in this stupid comedy about a Catholic cardinal's kidnapping in Boston. Bostonians should have dumped the film makers in the harbor, not the tea. There is not one laugh in this turgid flick about a psychic detective agency, but you will be moaning and maybe sobbing a little. That's what I did. This was one of the videos I picked up for fifty cents. Two quarters, and I feel ripped off and violated. I think I found the worst film of the group.
Let's take a few rounds in the ring. "Split Decisions" is a boxing drama about Gene Hackman and his two sons, Jeff Fahey and Craig Sheffer. It's simple, Fahey is murdered, Hackman and Sheffer avenge- in the ring. The plot is so implausible, it ruins the good performances and nicely handled direction. This was another fifty center that may find an audience- at my local library's annual book sale after I donate the tape.
"Street Smart" is another drama, featuring Christopher Reeve, Kathy Baker, and Morgan Freeman. Reeve makes up a magazine story about a pimp, and pimp Freeman tries to use Reeve as his alibi in a murder investigation as Reeve's lie brings down the lives of those around him. While the acting is top notch, it is hard to get behind Reeve's character. Helpful advice to him like "you idiot, you shouldn't have lied," and "don't sleep with the hooker" kept getting stuck in my throat. A technically good film, I hated the main character so much I could not recommend it.
There we have them- seven films. None of them really made me tingle in my special place, but if I had to rank them best to worst:
1. Splendor
2. Street Smart
3. Split Decisions
4. Sgt. Bilko
5. Soldier
6. Speed 2: Cruise Control
7. Second Sight
I don't know when the next column will rear its ugly head, but I need to hit the stores, libraries, rummage sales, and that storage box marked "important papers- do not open" collecting dust under the bed. Full length reviews for the seven films up now, the next column will definitely be just five...yes, I'm almost done with the computer...sorry, Mistress Katrina has a computer "appointment"...see you next time.
Friday, May 23, 2025
Street Smart (1987)
Christopher Reeve plays a reporter who makes up a story and eventually gets called on it. This main plot is not nearly as interesting as the subplots that fly around it.
Reeve is Jonathan, a struggling magazine writer. He has a girlfriend Alison (Mimi Rogers), but no story to pitch to his editor. He decides to write about a pimp, and goes to find one. He meets hooker Punchy (Kathy Baker), who will not help him. Finally, out of desperation, Jonathan writes a story, making up a pimp named Tyrone. Fast Black (Morgan Freeman) is Punchy's pimp in real life. He beats an abusive john, giving him a fatal heart attack, and comes up on second degree murder charges. The district attorney decides Jonathan's Tyrone is Fast Black, and subpoenas Jonathan for his nonexistent notes. Jonathan has jumped to television reporting now, but keeps up the ruse. He meets Fast Black, and the two come to an agreement: Fast Black will pose as the article's subject if he'll show Jonathan real life on the streets. Jonathan sees Fast Black for what he is- a violent man who likes to scare and intimidate people. Jonathan's world collapses as he is in and out of jail on contempt of court charges over the notes. Alison dumps him, and Fast Black decides Jonathan should fake the notes, providing Fast Black with an alibi for the murder. Jonathan refuses, and Fast Black begins hurting those close to the reporter.
Jerry Schatzberg is no stranger to the urban nightmare. He directed "Panic in Needle Park," and has a sure eye at shooting gritty city exteriors. However, I had the same reaction to this film as I did to "Midnight Express"- if dummy main character had not done this one stupid thing, we would not be watching the movie. Why does Jonathan lie? He watches the lie snowball and does nothing until it is too late, and no one believes him. He sleeps with Punchy, ruining his relationship with Alison, for no reason. The seduction scene between Baker and Reeve is dark and sad, but has Aretha Franklin's song "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" drowning out the conversation. Whose idea was this? Reeve tries, but his character is such a mess, even the light moments he manages cannot change the fact that I disliked Jonathan more and more as the film went on. Morgan Freeman is chilling as Fast Black, watch for his scene with Punchy and a pair of scissors. Kathy Baker is very good as Punchy, she is not the hooker-type actress, but pulls it off. Kudos to Erik King as Fast Black's right hand man, Reggie. He may seem like a minor character, but he ends up being very important to all involved. That good, old fashioned '80's synthesizer score permeates the soundtrack. Most of the film is dark, and the cinematography is good. This is not a badly made film, but the film makers never let us get into Jonathan's head. We have no empathy for him, and that leaves us no one to cheer on, with the exception of secondary character Punchy. Even Jonathan's television reports are unrealistic, bad Hollywood renderings of what TV news is like.
A good supporting cast cannot save "Street Smart," an annoying statement that never casts blame where it should- on its main character. It also never answers the one burning question I had while watching it- why should I care?
Stats:
(1987) 97 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Jerry Schatzberg
-Written by David Freeman
-Cast: Christopher Reeve, Mimi Rogers, Morgan Freeman, Kathy Baker, Jay Patterson, Andre Gregory, Anna Maria Horsford, Frederick Rolf, Erik King, Michael J. Reynolds, Shari Hilton, Donna Bailey, Ed Van Nuys
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: Home Video
*Academy Awards*
-Best Supporting Actor- Morgan Freeman (lost to Sean Connery- "The Untouchables")
Reeve is Jonathan, a struggling magazine writer. He has a girlfriend Alison (Mimi Rogers), but no story to pitch to his editor. He decides to write about a pimp, and goes to find one. He meets hooker Punchy (Kathy Baker), who will not help him. Finally, out of desperation, Jonathan writes a story, making up a pimp named Tyrone. Fast Black (Morgan Freeman) is Punchy's pimp in real life. He beats an abusive john, giving him a fatal heart attack, and comes up on second degree murder charges. The district attorney decides Jonathan's Tyrone is Fast Black, and subpoenas Jonathan for his nonexistent notes. Jonathan has jumped to television reporting now, but keeps up the ruse. He meets Fast Black, and the two come to an agreement: Fast Black will pose as the article's subject if he'll show Jonathan real life on the streets. Jonathan sees Fast Black for what he is- a violent man who likes to scare and intimidate people. Jonathan's world collapses as he is in and out of jail on contempt of court charges over the notes. Alison dumps him, and Fast Black decides Jonathan should fake the notes, providing Fast Black with an alibi for the murder. Jonathan refuses, and Fast Black begins hurting those close to the reporter.
Jerry Schatzberg is no stranger to the urban nightmare. He directed "Panic in Needle Park," and has a sure eye at shooting gritty city exteriors. However, I had the same reaction to this film as I did to "Midnight Express"- if dummy main character had not done this one stupid thing, we would not be watching the movie. Why does Jonathan lie? He watches the lie snowball and does nothing until it is too late, and no one believes him. He sleeps with Punchy, ruining his relationship with Alison, for no reason. The seduction scene between Baker and Reeve is dark and sad, but has Aretha Franklin's song "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman" drowning out the conversation. Whose idea was this? Reeve tries, but his character is such a mess, even the light moments he manages cannot change the fact that I disliked Jonathan more and more as the film went on. Morgan Freeman is chilling as Fast Black, watch for his scene with Punchy and a pair of scissors. Kathy Baker is very good as Punchy, she is not the hooker-type actress, but pulls it off. Kudos to Erik King as Fast Black's right hand man, Reggie. He may seem like a minor character, but he ends up being very important to all involved. That good, old fashioned '80's synthesizer score permeates the soundtrack. Most of the film is dark, and the cinematography is good. This is not a badly made film, but the film makers never let us get into Jonathan's head. We have no empathy for him, and that leaves us no one to cheer on, with the exception of secondary character Punchy. Even Jonathan's television reports are unrealistic, bad Hollywood renderings of what TV news is like.
A good supporting cast cannot save "Street Smart," an annoying statement that never casts blame where it should- on its main character. It also never answers the one burning question I had while watching it- why should I care?
Stats:
(1987) 97 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Jerry Schatzberg
-Written by David Freeman
-Cast: Christopher Reeve, Mimi Rogers, Morgan Freeman, Kathy Baker, Jay Patterson, Andre Gregory, Anna Maria Horsford, Frederick Rolf, Erik King, Michael J. Reynolds, Shari Hilton, Donna Bailey, Ed Van Nuys
(PG-13)
Media Viewed: Home Video
*Academy Awards*
-Best Supporting Actor- Morgan Freeman (lost to Sean Connery- "The Untouchables")
Split Decisions (1988)
Gene Hackman takes a secondary role in this melodramatic boxing drama.
Hackman is Dan McGuinn, who is training his younger son Eddie (Craig Sheffer) to enter the Olympic boxing team. Dan still harbors deep resentment toward his other son, Ray (Jeff Fahey), who turned pro and signed with slimy promoter Lou (Carmine Caridi). Ray comes home for a visit, readying to fight the smug, villainous Pedroza (Eddie Velez). Dan and Ray are still at odds, despite Dan's father's (John McLiam) efforts. Lou makes a deal with mob boss guy Benny (James Tolkan) to have Ray throw the fight. Ray refuses, and Benny's goons (including Pedroza) break Ray's hand before tossing him out a window to his death. The one witness to the murder ain't talking, and Eddie cannot go through with a half-hearted attempt to off Pedroza. Eddie then comes up with a convenient idea. He will fight Pedroza in the ring, avenging his brother. Dan reluctantly agrees to train Eddie, and the big fight is on.
If you took all the subplots from all the "Rocky" films, you would have this movie. The acting is very good, everyone plays lower middle-class boxer people extremely well. Hackman is especially good, a scene where he breaks down over Ray's death is unexpected and sad. Sheffer and Fahey do not play the McGuinn brothers as very bright, and that makes them more sympathetic. Dan, his son, and his father all live in the same apartment. Jennifer Beals is given a totally thankless role, about ten speaking lines, as a former girlfriend of Ray's who begins warming up to Eddie. Their romance is not pursued, and nothing really comes of it. Drury's direction is great, thanks in part to his New York City locations. There is a grittiness that you do not find in any of "Rocky"'s sequels. Basil Poledouris' musical score is heavy on '80's synth, and sounds like every other score to come out of the decade. My biggest problem with the film was the script. Despite Ray being beaten and thrown out of a window, his death is ruled an accident. The silent witness, Eddie's decision to fight Pedroza, and the fact that the murderers all agree to the fight- none of it makes sense. Of course, everything is wrapped up in the final minutes in one tidy package, but the script takes the easy way out.
"Split Decisions" fumbles its screenplay, and barely clocks in at an hour and a half. While it is a good looking film, thinking about it will make you mad. What a wasted opportunity.
Stats:
(1988) 95 min. (4/10)
-Directed by David Drury
-Written by David Fallon
-Cast: Gene Hackman, Craig Sheffer, Jeff Fahey, Jennifer Beals, John McLiam, Eddie Velez, James Tolkan, Carmine Caridi, David Labiosa, Harry Van Dyke, Anthony Trujillo, Victor Campos, Tom Bower
(R)
Hackman is Dan McGuinn, who is training his younger son Eddie (Craig Sheffer) to enter the Olympic boxing team. Dan still harbors deep resentment toward his other son, Ray (Jeff Fahey), who turned pro and signed with slimy promoter Lou (Carmine Caridi). Ray comes home for a visit, readying to fight the smug, villainous Pedroza (Eddie Velez). Dan and Ray are still at odds, despite Dan's father's (John McLiam) efforts. Lou makes a deal with mob boss guy Benny (James Tolkan) to have Ray throw the fight. Ray refuses, and Benny's goons (including Pedroza) break Ray's hand before tossing him out a window to his death. The one witness to the murder ain't talking, and Eddie cannot go through with a half-hearted attempt to off Pedroza. Eddie then comes up with a convenient idea. He will fight Pedroza in the ring, avenging his brother. Dan reluctantly agrees to train Eddie, and the big fight is on.
If you took all the subplots from all the "Rocky" films, you would have this movie. The acting is very good, everyone plays lower middle-class boxer people extremely well. Hackman is especially good, a scene where he breaks down over Ray's death is unexpected and sad. Sheffer and Fahey do not play the McGuinn brothers as very bright, and that makes them more sympathetic. Dan, his son, and his father all live in the same apartment. Jennifer Beals is given a totally thankless role, about ten speaking lines, as a former girlfriend of Ray's who begins warming up to Eddie. Their romance is not pursued, and nothing really comes of it. Drury's direction is great, thanks in part to his New York City locations. There is a grittiness that you do not find in any of "Rocky"'s sequels. Basil Poledouris' musical score is heavy on '80's synth, and sounds like every other score to come out of the decade. My biggest problem with the film was the script. Despite Ray being beaten and thrown out of a window, his death is ruled an accident. The silent witness, Eddie's decision to fight Pedroza, and the fact that the murderers all agree to the fight- none of it makes sense. Of course, everything is wrapped up in the final minutes in one tidy package, but the script takes the easy way out.
"Split Decisions" fumbles its screenplay, and barely clocks in at an hour and a half. While it is a good looking film, thinking about it will make you mad. What a wasted opportunity.
Stats:
(1988) 95 min. (4/10)
-Directed by David Drury
-Written by David Fallon
-Cast: Gene Hackman, Craig Sheffer, Jeff Fahey, Jennifer Beals, John McLiam, Eddie Velez, James Tolkan, Carmine Caridi, David Labiosa, Harry Van Dyke, Anthony Trujillo, Victor Campos, Tom Bower
(R)
Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
Sandra Bullock returns as Annie in this terrible, ill-conceived sequel that has great action and awful dialogue.
Annie and her new beau-hunk, Alex (Jason Patric), go vacationing on a cruise to the Caribbean. Where is Keanu Reeves? He skipped this sequel, sensing it was doomed to fail? Alex is a cop, and Annie is nervous about pursuing a relationship with him. The cruise is a way to relax, spend some downtime together, and discover more about each other, and themselves; finding a deep, ageless love that transcends the gods and makes us believe that there is a soulmate for each of us, and we just have to find them- but then nutty Geiger (Willem Dafoe) takes over the ship and ruins everyone's good time. Geiger was fired from the cruise company because he is ill from spending too much time doing their computer systems. As luck would have it, there is a traveling jewelry showcase onboard, so Geiger decides to rob the ship, and send it careening all over the seas. Annie and Alex argue and make up in between Geiger's terrorist acts. They help screaming, nameless passengers and crew members- "Is that Lois Chiles? Colleen Camp? Bo Svenson? UB40?", but Geiger is always "one step ahead" of them. The final half hour, as the ship heads toward an oil tanker and certain doom, are exciting, but they do not make up for the rest of the film.
During filming, I remember seeing on-set interviews where Bullock was swearing off a "Speed 3" before this film was even in the can. Now we know why. Alex is blessed with the same superhuman powers Bruce Willis possessed in "Die Hard 2": Alex can figure out who Geiger is from the most scant of clues, Alex can diffuse grenades, Alex can slow ships down with the grandest of ideas, Alex can save a little deaf girl (Christine Firkins) from certain drowning, Alex can defy all marine and physical laws to get back to his gal Annie. Alex even gets a catch phrase, in case this had proved successful: "I'll be right back."
Geiger is a creepy villain, leeching himself to stay alive, but he does stupid things to mess up and let Alex or Annie triumph. The cast members have "funny" one liners to mutter during the proceedings, reminding us that this is all in good fun. This also removes the tension, as when Annie is shooting flares into the air while Geiger comments on her "fiery temper." That line alone made me want to shut the film off. The first film had suspense, but director and co-story writer de Bont decided to turn this into a half-hearted smirk-fest. There are some brilliant action pieces. The sight of the giant ship headed to the oil tanker, then a crowded pier, are wonderful. Don't worry, that's no spoiler, the film's trailer gave it away when it was released in 1997. But, there are also some action pieces that should have been lost. The lifeboat rescue, and Drew's elevator ordeal, are too long and go nowhere in the grand scheme of Geiger's. Toss in some hot and cold computer effects, too.
"Speed 2: Cruise Control" cannot take advantage of its built-in audience and deliver another tight actioner like the first film was. It takes the viewer for granted, and proves the character Annie cannot carry an entire film. This film cruises into oblivion, and sinks the franchise faster than the Titanic.
Stats:
(1997) 121 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Jan de Bont
-Screenplay by Randall McCormick and Jeff Nathanson, Story by Jan de Bont and Randall McCormick, based on characters created by Graham Yost
-Cast: Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe, Temuera Morrison, Brian McCardie, Christine Firkins, Lois Chiles, Colleen Camp, Bo Svenson, Mike Hagerty, Frances Guinen, Tamia, UB40
(PG-13)
Annie and her new beau-hunk, Alex (Jason Patric), go vacationing on a cruise to the Caribbean. Where is Keanu Reeves? He skipped this sequel, sensing it was doomed to fail? Alex is a cop, and Annie is nervous about pursuing a relationship with him. The cruise is a way to relax, spend some downtime together, and discover more about each other, and themselves; finding a deep, ageless love that transcends the gods and makes us believe that there is a soulmate for each of us, and we just have to find them- but then nutty Geiger (Willem Dafoe) takes over the ship and ruins everyone's good time. Geiger was fired from the cruise company because he is ill from spending too much time doing their computer systems. As luck would have it, there is a traveling jewelry showcase onboard, so Geiger decides to rob the ship, and send it careening all over the seas. Annie and Alex argue and make up in between Geiger's terrorist acts. They help screaming, nameless passengers and crew members- "Is that Lois Chiles? Colleen Camp? Bo Svenson? UB40?", but Geiger is always "one step ahead" of them. The final half hour, as the ship heads toward an oil tanker and certain doom, are exciting, but they do not make up for the rest of the film.
During filming, I remember seeing on-set interviews where Bullock was swearing off a "Speed 3" before this film was even in the can. Now we know why. Alex is blessed with the same superhuman powers Bruce Willis possessed in "Die Hard 2": Alex can figure out who Geiger is from the most scant of clues, Alex can diffuse grenades, Alex can slow ships down with the grandest of ideas, Alex can save a little deaf girl (Christine Firkins) from certain drowning, Alex can defy all marine and physical laws to get back to his gal Annie. Alex even gets a catch phrase, in case this had proved successful: "I'll be right back."
Geiger is a creepy villain, leeching himself to stay alive, but he does stupid things to mess up and let Alex or Annie triumph. The cast members have "funny" one liners to mutter during the proceedings, reminding us that this is all in good fun. This also removes the tension, as when Annie is shooting flares into the air while Geiger comments on her "fiery temper." That line alone made me want to shut the film off. The first film had suspense, but director and co-story writer de Bont decided to turn this into a half-hearted smirk-fest. There are some brilliant action pieces. The sight of the giant ship headed to the oil tanker, then a crowded pier, are wonderful. Don't worry, that's no spoiler, the film's trailer gave it away when it was released in 1997. But, there are also some action pieces that should have been lost. The lifeboat rescue, and Drew's elevator ordeal, are too long and go nowhere in the grand scheme of Geiger's. Toss in some hot and cold computer effects, too.
"Speed 2: Cruise Control" cannot take advantage of its built-in audience and deliver another tight actioner like the first film was. It takes the viewer for granted, and proves the character Annie cannot carry an entire film. This film cruises into oblivion, and sinks the franchise faster than the Titanic.
Stats:
(1997) 121 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Jan de Bont
-Screenplay by Randall McCormick and Jeff Nathanson, Story by Jan de Bont and Randall McCormick, based on characters created by Graham Yost
-Cast: Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe, Temuera Morrison, Brian McCardie, Christine Firkins, Lois Chiles, Colleen Camp, Bo Svenson, Mike Hagerty, Frances Guinen, Tamia, UB40
(PG-13)
Thursday, May 22, 2025
Soldier (1998)
If you didn't know any better, you would think I was about to describe the plot of an old Chuck Norris or Jean Claude Van Damme straight-to-video film.
Kurt Russell plays Todd, a soldier, picked from birth to be trained in combat fighting to the point where he is nothing more than a programmable killing machine. He and his fellow soldiers fight in many skirmishes and battles until Mekum (Jason Isaacs) comes along. Mekum has created a new fighting force using genetic engineering. One of his men, Caine (Jason Scott Lee), kills two other older soldiers and wounds Todd. Todd and his dead comrades are dumped on a giant garbage collecting planet, not knowing that Todd is still alive. On the planet, he meets the survivors of a crashed ship who have a Utopian existence. Todd stays with Mace (Sean Pertwee) and his wife Sandra (Connie Nielsen), and he begins to learn the ways of love and peace, man. Mekum happens to pick the garbage planet to train his new fighting force on and the last third of the film is one big long nasty fight.
I like science fiction as much as the next Trekkie, but "Soldier" does not contain one plot point or character I have not seen before. The outcome is a foregone conclusion. Russell is too good an actor to play stiff. He is wasted in the title role, another version of the Terminator or Rambo or any other silent killing machine. Things on the garbage planet (can we call a moratorium on those in all futuristic films?) are going too well, and the fact that the very same man who dumped Todd there picks it for exercises is a real stretch. The special effects are okay, nothing you haven't seen before. The supporting cast tries, but the direction and script stink. Anderson's final third is not only a long shootout, but a boring one. Todd is everywhere and nowhere, killing indestructible soldiers, then vanishing. All the explosions, shootings, punches, and hoopla bore, especially when the end is devoid of suspense. At ninety nine minutes, the film feels padded, as if the running time was increased by more and more explosions.
"Soldier" bombed at the box office, and with good reason. Sometimes the public can spot a loser, and they were right in this case.
Stats:
(1998) 99 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson
-Written by David Webb Peoples
-Cast: Kurt Russell, Jason Scott Lee, Connie Nielsen, Sean Pertwee, Jason Isaacs, Gary Busey, Michael Chiklis, K.K. Dodds, James Black, Mark De Alessandro, Vladimir Orlov, Jared Thorne, Nathan Thorne
(R)
Kurt Russell plays Todd, a soldier, picked from birth to be trained in combat fighting to the point where he is nothing more than a programmable killing machine. He and his fellow soldiers fight in many skirmishes and battles until Mekum (Jason Isaacs) comes along. Mekum has created a new fighting force using genetic engineering. One of his men, Caine (Jason Scott Lee), kills two other older soldiers and wounds Todd. Todd and his dead comrades are dumped on a giant garbage collecting planet, not knowing that Todd is still alive. On the planet, he meets the survivors of a crashed ship who have a Utopian existence. Todd stays with Mace (Sean Pertwee) and his wife Sandra (Connie Nielsen), and he begins to learn the ways of love and peace, man. Mekum happens to pick the garbage planet to train his new fighting force on and the last third of the film is one big long nasty fight.
I like science fiction as much as the next Trekkie, but "Soldier" does not contain one plot point or character I have not seen before. The outcome is a foregone conclusion. Russell is too good an actor to play stiff. He is wasted in the title role, another version of the Terminator or Rambo or any other silent killing machine. Things on the garbage planet (can we call a moratorium on those in all futuristic films?) are going too well, and the fact that the very same man who dumped Todd there picks it for exercises is a real stretch. The special effects are okay, nothing you haven't seen before. The supporting cast tries, but the direction and script stink. Anderson's final third is not only a long shootout, but a boring one. Todd is everywhere and nowhere, killing indestructible soldiers, then vanishing. All the explosions, shootings, punches, and hoopla bore, especially when the end is devoid of suspense. At ninety nine minutes, the film feels padded, as if the running time was increased by more and more explosions.
"Soldier" bombed at the box office, and with good reason. Sometimes the public can spot a loser, and they were right in this case.
Stats:
(1998) 99 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson
-Written by David Webb Peoples
-Cast: Kurt Russell, Jason Scott Lee, Connie Nielsen, Sean Pertwee, Jason Isaacs, Gary Busey, Michael Chiklis, K.K. Dodds, James Black, Mark De Alessandro, Vladimir Orlov, Jared Thorne, Nathan Thorne
(R)
Sunday, May 18, 2025
Splendor (1999)
Gregg Araki, he of the mostly unwatchable "The Doom Generation" and "Nowhere," comes up with an almost mainstream romantic comedy.
Veronica (Kathleen Robertson) is a starving actress in L.A. who hangs out with her funky artist galpal Mike (Kelly Macdonald). One Halloween night, Veronica goes to a club and meets sensitive writer Abel (Johnathon Schaech) and the two connect. She then sees the band's drummer, Zed (Matt Keeslar), and those two really connect right on the floor of the restroom. Veronica soon begins dating both men. Abel and Zed (A and Z, get it?) find out about each other, and agree to the arrangement until Zed moves in after getting kicked out my his roommates. Abel decides to move in too, but the guys quickly show they are less than mature, especially in a relationship. By chance, Veronica gets a role in a television movie directed by the earnest Ernest (Eric Mabius). Veronica ends up pregnant, moves out of the trio's apartment, and breaks up with Abel and Zed. Then Ernest proposes marriage...
While championed as an homage to the screwball comedies of the Golden Age of Hollywood, I don't remember Fred Astaire wooing Ginger Rogers to the music of Fatboy Slim or New Order. Araki takes the screwball set-up and completely claims it as his own. Modern touches abound, such as the raunchy sex and drug use, and Araki's script handles them better than his other efforts. My biggest complaint is with Araki's direction. For the love of David Lean, get out of the actors' faces! Every shot seems to be a closeup, I got seasick and a little creeped out being this close to the characters. Plus, I have thirty two inch television which gives Kathleen Robertson a BIG GIANT HEAD. The cast is really likable, there are no villains here. You really wish everyone the best, even Ernest, who comes off as the nicest rebound boyfriend ever. Robertson is very good, even though underneath all her scenes, you quickly realize Veronica is a big flake. Keeslar is funny as Zed without going overboard on the dumb guy act. Schaech is also good at Abel, without going overboard on the brooding artist act. Macdonald does a nice turn as Mike, without going overboard on the best friend role. Everyone plays their parts well, never going overboard, so Araki takes up the slack, guaranteeing this is not the film to show Grandma when she reminisces about William Powell or Myrna Loy.
"Splendor" is funny in some spots, but slow in others. The laughs are hit and miss, and Araki's direction is a constant nuisance throughout. While I did not hate it, I found it to be really average. It is always interesting to watch an Araki film. While they can be arresting, I had yet to find a really good one until "Mysterious Skin" came along and changed my life.
Stats:
(1999) 93 min. (6/10)
-Written and Directed by Gregg Araki
-Cast: Kathleen Robertson, Johnathon Schaech, Matt Keeslar, Kelly Macdonald, Eric Mabius, Dan Gatto, Linda Kim, Audrey Ruttan, Nathan Bexton, Amy Stevens, Adam Carolla, Julie Millett, Jenica Bergere
(R)
Veronica (Kathleen Robertson) is a starving actress in L.A. who hangs out with her funky artist galpal Mike (Kelly Macdonald). One Halloween night, Veronica goes to a club and meets sensitive writer Abel (Johnathon Schaech) and the two connect. She then sees the band's drummer, Zed (Matt Keeslar), and those two really connect right on the floor of the restroom. Veronica soon begins dating both men. Abel and Zed (A and Z, get it?) find out about each other, and agree to the arrangement until Zed moves in after getting kicked out my his roommates. Abel decides to move in too, but the guys quickly show they are less than mature, especially in a relationship. By chance, Veronica gets a role in a television movie directed by the earnest Ernest (Eric Mabius). Veronica ends up pregnant, moves out of the trio's apartment, and breaks up with Abel and Zed. Then Ernest proposes marriage...
While championed as an homage to the screwball comedies of the Golden Age of Hollywood, I don't remember Fred Astaire wooing Ginger Rogers to the music of Fatboy Slim or New Order. Araki takes the screwball set-up and completely claims it as his own. Modern touches abound, such as the raunchy sex and drug use, and Araki's script handles them better than his other efforts. My biggest complaint is with Araki's direction. For the love of David Lean, get out of the actors' faces! Every shot seems to be a closeup, I got seasick and a little creeped out being this close to the characters. Plus, I have thirty two inch television which gives Kathleen Robertson a BIG GIANT HEAD. The cast is really likable, there are no villains here. You really wish everyone the best, even Ernest, who comes off as the nicest rebound boyfriend ever. Robertson is very good, even though underneath all her scenes, you quickly realize Veronica is a big flake. Keeslar is funny as Zed without going overboard on the dumb guy act. Schaech is also good at Abel, without going overboard on the brooding artist act. Macdonald does a nice turn as Mike, without going overboard on the best friend role. Everyone plays their parts well, never going overboard, so Araki takes up the slack, guaranteeing this is not the film to show Grandma when she reminisces about William Powell or Myrna Loy.
"Splendor" is funny in some spots, but slow in others. The laughs are hit and miss, and Araki's direction is a constant nuisance throughout. While I did not hate it, I found it to be really average. It is always interesting to watch an Araki film. While they can be arresting, I had yet to find a really good one until "Mysterious Skin" came along and changed my life.
Stats:
(1999) 93 min. (6/10)
-Written and Directed by Gregg Araki
-Cast: Kathleen Robertson, Johnathon Schaech, Matt Keeslar, Kelly Macdonald, Eric Mabius, Dan Gatto, Linda Kim, Audrey Ruttan, Nathan Bexton, Amy Stevens, Adam Carolla, Julie Millett, Jenica Bergere
(R)
Saturday, May 17, 2025
Sgt. Bilko (1996)
I'm torn. This is one of Steve Martin's worst films, and yet, Steve Martin is the best thing about this film.
Martin plays Sgt. Bilko, a goof-off who runs gambling rings and dog races out of his motor pool all under the nose of none-too-bright Colonel Hall (Dan Aykroyd). The small fort they are at has suffered another setback in their hovertank idea, and the military might close the post down. They send in hard-as-nails Major Thorn (Phil Hartman) to find out what is going on. Thorn and Bilko have a bad history, and Thorn immediately tries to take revenge on Bilko for getting him in trouble years before. Thorn starts dating Rita (Glenne Headly), Bilko's consistently jilted fiancee. Thorn also plants evidence that Bilko has been taking money from the hovertank program, and Bilko and his squad must figure out a way to get back at Thorn and get the hovertank to work.
This ain't rocket science. The basic plot outline reads like it should have starred Pauly Shore or Tom Arnold back in the 1990s. Instead, Martin is the lead, and he is hilarious. He tries anything to squeeze a laugh out of the weak material, and he does succeed more often than not. I remember interviews where he tried to distance himself from this picture, but in fact he is the best thing about it. Too bad he is not onscreen for the entire running time. Bilko's squad is a bunch of caricatures whose names I didn't even bother with. We got the fat guy, the suave guy, the dumb guy, the by-the-book new recruit, the girl, and so on, and none of them make much of an impact (although there are a ton a recognizable faces sprinkled throughout). Aykroyd is too stiff as Hall, he seems to be wrestling with the spirit of Maclean Stevenson's Colonel Blake. Phil Hartman, one of my all time favorite comedic actors, is also relegated to a nothing role. Headly isn't given any funny lines at all, nothing like her work with Martin in "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels." Lynn's direction is terrible. All the scenes have a stagy quality to them. The camera is turned on, actors enter and exit, and nothing ever seems to happen except when Martin is on. I don't know how much Martin ad-libbed, if any, but the rest of the script sucks. The hovertank special effects are embarrassing, obvious computer animation that fails to convince. If anyone else but Martin were in this, it would be an unprecedented disaster on par with a Pauly Shore or Tom Arnold military comedy. Martin tries to keep this one up, but eventually the movie collapses despite his efforts. "Sgt. Bilko" should be retired.
Stats:
(1996) 94 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Jonathan Lynn
-Written by Andy Breckman based on the television series by Nat Hiken
-Cast: Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Glenne Headly, Phil Hartman, Daryl Mitchell, Max Casella, Eric Edwards, Dan Ferro, John Marshall Jones, Brian Leckner, John Ortiz, Pamela Adlon, Mitchell Whitfield
(PG)
Martin plays Sgt. Bilko, a goof-off who runs gambling rings and dog races out of his motor pool all under the nose of none-too-bright Colonel Hall (Dan Aykroyd). The small fort they are at has suffered another setback in their hovertank idea, and the military might close the post down. They send in hard-as-nails Major Thorn (Phil Hartman) to find out what is going on. Thorn and Bilko have a bad history, and Thorn immediately tries to take revenge on Bilko for getting him in trouble years before. Thorn starts dating Rita (Glenne Headly), Bilko's consistently jilted fiancee. Thorn also plants evidence that Bilko has been taking money from the hovertank program, and Bilko and his squad must figure out a way to get back at Thorn and get the hovertank to work.
This ain't rocket science. The basic plot outline reads like it should have starred Pauly Shore or Tom Arnold back in the 1990s. Instead, Martin is the lead, and he is hilarious. He tries anything to squeeze a laugh out of the weak material, and he does succeed more often than not. I remember interviews where he tried to distance himself from this picture, but in fact he is the best thing about it. Too bad he is not onscreen for the entire running time. Bilko's squad is a bunch of caricatures whose names I didn't even bother with. We got the fat guy, the suave guy, the dumb guy, the by-the-book new recruit, the girl, and so on, and none of them make much of an impact (although there are a ton a recognizable faces sprinkled throughout). Aykroyd is too stiff as Hall, he seems to be wrestling with the spirit of Maclean Stevenson's Colonel Blake. Phil Hartman, one of my all time favorite comedic actors, is also relegated to a nothing role. Headly isn't given any funny lines at all, nothing like her work with Martin in "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels." Lynn's direction is terrible. All the scenes have a stagy quality to them. The camera is turned on, actors enter and exit, and nothing ever seems to happen except when Martin is on. I don't know how much Martin ad-libbed, if any, but the rest of the script sucks. The hovertank special effects are embarrassing, obvious computer animation that fails to convince. If anyone else but Martin were in this, it would be an unprecedented disaster on par with a Pauly Shore or Tom Arnold military comedy. Martin tries to keep this one up, but eventually the movie collapses despite his efforts. "Sgt. Bilko" should be retired.
Stats:
(1996) 94 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Jonathan Lynn
-Written by Andy Breckman based on the television series by Nat Hiken
-Cast: Steve Martin, Dan Aykroyd, Glenne Headly, Phil Hartman, Daryl Mitchell, Max Casella, Eric Edwards, Dan Ferro, John Marshall Jones, Brian Leckner, John Ortiz, Pamela Adlon, Mitchell Whitfield
(PG)
Second Sight (1989)
Before Joel Zwick bored us with "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," he assaulted us with this.
Wills (John Larroquette) is a former cop who works with psychic Bobby (Bronson Pinchot) and Ph.D. Preston (Stuart Pankin) to solve crimes. Boston Cardinal O'Hara (William Prince) and Bobby's love interest Maria (Marisol Massey) are kidnapped, and the psychic detective agency Second Sight are on the case. Wills has run-ins with cute Sister Elizabeth (Bess Armstrong, the best thing here), and Preston is married, which means everybody has a girlfriend to end up with in the final shot.
The investigation into the cardinal's disappearance is about as challenging as an episode of "Blue's Clues." The audience is punished with the exact same routine throughout the film: Bobby does something off the wall and crazy (trying to be funny), Preston takes pictures and identifies the psychic phenomenon (trying to be funny), and Wills slumps, complains, and mopes (like the viewer; and trying to be funny). How these three ended up together is not important. Elaborating on how Bobby got his psychic powers after getting struck by lightning is not important. How Preston's wife kept winning prizes after getting lottery numbers from a sleeping Bobby without Preston finding out is not important. With all these dangling plotlines, there must have been a lot more to this eighty-three minute movie. Maybe it is a good thing scenes were deleted, that would mean the stuff left onscreen was the funny stuff and I did not smile once. Zwick's direction is like the sitcom work he has done. Larroquette plays his Dan Fielding character from "Night Court," Pinchot channels Balki from "Perfect Strangers," and Pankin copies Harold Ramis' Egon Spengler from the "Ghostbusters" films. Everyone mugs and grimaces, but no one can squeeze a chuckle out of this lame script. The special effects are awful- animated glowing lines and flashing blue lights.
I remember when this film came out, and how badly it did. I wish I had never laid first sight on this. Leave "Second Sight" unseen.
Stats:
(1989) 83 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Joel Zwick
-Screenplay by Michael McDowell and Tom Holland based on the novel by Stephen King
-Cast: John Larroquette, Bronson Pinchot, Stuart Pankin, Bess Armstrong, William Prince, Marisol Massey, John Schuck, James Tolkan, Michael Lombard, Christine Estabrook, Adam LeFevre, Andrew Mutnick, Ron Taylor
(PG)
Wills (John Larroquette) is a former cop who works with psychic Bobby (Bronson Pinchot) and Ph.D. Preston (Stuart Pankin) to solve crimes. Boston Cardinal O'Hara (William Prince) and Bobby's love interest Maria (Marisol Massey) are kidnapped, and the psychic detective agency Second Sight are on the case. Wills has run-ins with cute Sister Elizabeth (Bess Armstrong, the best thing here), and Preston is married, which means everybody has a girlfriend to end up with in the final shot.
The investigation into the cardinal's disappearance is about as challenging as an episode of "Blue's Clues." The audience is punished with the exact same routine throughout the film: Bobby does something off the wall and crazy (trying to be funny), Preston takes pictures and identifies the psychic phenomenon (trying to be funny), and Wills slumps, complains, and mopes (like the viewer; and trying to be funny). How these three ended up together is not important. Elaborating on how Bobby got his psychic powers after getting struck by lightning is not important. How Preston's wife kept winning prizes after getting lottery numbers from a sleeping Bobby without Preston finding out is not important. With all these dangling plotlines, there must have been a lot more to this eighty-three minute movie. Maybe it is a good thing scenes were deleted, that would mean the stuff left onscreen was the funny stuff and I did not smile once. Zwick's direction is like the sitcom work he has done. Larroquette plays his Dan Fielding character from "Night Court," Pinchot channels Balki from "Perfect Strangers," and Pankin copies Harold Ramis' Egon Spengler from the "Ghostbusters" films. Everyone mugs and grimaces, but no one can squeeze a chuckle out of this lame script. The special effects are awful- animated glowing lines and flashing blue lights.
I remember when this film came out, and how badly it did. I wish I had never laid first sight on this. Leave "Second Sight" unseen.
Stats:
(1989) 83 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Joel Zwick
-Screenplay by Michael McDowell and Tom Holland based on the novel by Stephen King
-Cast: John Larroquette, Bronson Pinchot, Stuart Pankin, Bess Armstrong, William Prince, Marisol Massey, John Schuck, James Tolkan, Michael Lombard, Christine Estabrook, Adam LeFevre, Andrew Mutnick, Ron Taylor
(PG)
Thursday, May 15, 2025
The Video Store Grab 'n' Run: The Fundamental Four T's
*This was written about twenty years ago, when video stores were still "a thing."*
*Get "Thinner" on Amazon here*
*Get "To Die For" on Amazon here*
*Get "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" on Amazon here*
*Get "Trial and Error" on Amazon here*
For the return of the ol' grab and run, I thought I would ease back into the process like I ease into a warm bath- yes, naked, but also slowly and with caution. Instead of the normal five flicks, I decided to start small and get four. As I lay back and let Calgon take me away, I'll let you gander at this week's victims: from Comedy- "To Die For," "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar," and "Trial and Error," and from Horror- "Thinner." I wish a century old gypsy would brush my cheek and make my weight problem go away...
"Thinner" is based on Stephen King's novel, and features an incredible Robert John Burke as a fat lawyer who accidentally runs over an old gypsy woman with his car because his wife was, er, playing with his stick shift. A small conspiracy gets the lawyer off (so to speak), so the woman's father puts a gypsy curse on Burke (rubbing his cheek and whispering "thinner"), who begins losing weight rapidly. Good thing he recently defended mobster Joe Mantegna, who helps him try to get the curse removed. The film is good, surprisingly close to King's novel, but I did not think the mob guy worked in the novel and I do not think he works in the film. On the other hand, co-star Kari Wuhrer could rub me anywhere she wants. That's a curse I could live with.
Your honor, I object to this film! Lack of hilarity! "Trial and Error" plays like a bad episode of "The Night Court Practice of L.A. Law vs. The Defenders of AUSA Perry Mason." Jeff Daniels gets drunk thanks to doofus friend Michael Richards, and cannot go into a simple continuance hearing in a court case. Actor Richards steps in in his place, and suddenly a trial is on. Richards falls for opposing counsel, Daniels falls for waitress Charlize Theron, and I fell off the couch in a boredom-induced trance. No laughs, and I knew everything that would happen from the beginning to the end. Habeas corpus? No, habeas crappus...let's kill Matt Dillon!
In "To Die For," Nicole Kidman is a small town TV weather girl with big empty dreams of making it big in television. She is married to Dillon, who wants a normal wife and kids, so she beds juvenile delinquent Joaquin Phoenix, who takes her suggestions of killing her husband, and acts on them. While Gus Van Sant's direction is to die for, Buck Henry's screenplay never takes any bold steps into media criticism or dark comedy or satire, merely hinting at these elements. Phoenix is fine, but Kidman is one note, and I was disappointed by this film. To feel better, I put on an evening gown and pumps, and damn it, I AM as pretty as Patrick Swayze.
"To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" features Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo as three drag queens on their way to California for a beauty pageant when they get stuck in a tiny town in the Midwest populated by character actors like Arliss Howard, Stockard Channing, and Melinda Dillon. As the three ingratiate themselves to the towns folk, who have no idea the ladies are men, they learn a little something about themselves, too. Ignore some of the sentiment and stereotypes, this is really funny often enough, and the fabulous trio turn in some great work, including Swayze and an impeccable comic timing he would reveal during hosting gigs on "Saturday Night Live." It's fun, and the best film of the week.
That's four, I counted them using my rubber ducky collection. The films, from best to worst:
1. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
2. Thinner
3. To Die For
4. Trial and Error
Next time, I get my hoity-toity on, reviewing five (yes, five) documentaries. Don't worry, nothing boring, just lots of sex, drugs, artists, and writers- sounds like my prom night. See you then.
*Get "Thinner" on Amazon here*
*Get "To Die For" on Amazon here*
*Get "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" on Amazon here*
*Get "Trial and Error" on Amazon here*
For the return of the ol' grab and run, I thought I would ease back into the process like I ease into a warm bath- yes, naked, but also slowly and with caution. Instead of the normal five flicks, I decided to start small and get four. As I lay back and let Calgon take me away, I'll let you gander at this week's victims: from Comedy- "To Die For," "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar," and "Trial and Error," and from Horror- "Thinner." I wish a century old gypsy would brush my cheek and make my weight problem go away...
"Thinner" is based on Stephen King's novel, and features an incredible Robert John Burke as a fat lawyer who accidentally runs over an old gypsy woman with his car because his wife was, er, playing with his stick shift. A small conspiracy gets the lawyer off (so to speak), so the woman's father puts a gypsy curse on Burke (rubbing his cheek and whispering "thinner"), who begins losing weight rapidly. Good thing he recently defended mobster Joe Mantegna, who helps him try to get the curse removed. The film is good, surprisingly close to King's novel, but I did not think the mob guy worked in the novel and I do not think he works in the film. On the other hand, co-star Kari Wuhrer could rub me anywhere she wants. That's a curse I could live with.
Your honor, I object to this film! Lack of hilarity! "Trial and Error" plays like a bad episode of "The Night Court Practice of L.A. Law vs. The Defenders of AUSA Perry Mason." Jeff Daniels gets drunk thanks to doofus friend Michael Richards, and cannot go into a simple continuance hearing in a court case. Actor Richards steps in in his place, and suddenly a trial is on. Richards falls for opposing counsel, Daniels falls for waitress Charlize Theron, and I fell off the couch in a boredom-induced trance. No laughs, and I knew everything that would happen from the beginning to the end. Habeas corpus? No, habeas crappus...let's kill Matt Dillon!
In "To Die For," Nicole Kidman is a small town TV weather girl with big empty dreams of making it big in television. She is married to Dillon, who wants a normal wife and kids, so she beds juvenile delinquent Joaquin Phoenix, who takes her suggestions of killing her husband, and acts on them. While Gus Van Sant's direction is to die for, Buck Henry's screenplay never takes any bold steps into media criticism or dark comedy or satire, merely hinting at these elements. Phoenix is fine, but Kidman is one note, and I was disappointed by this film. To feel better, I put on an evening gown and pumps, and damn it, I AM as pretty as Patrick Swayze.
"To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" features Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo as three drag queens on their way to California for a beauty pageant when they get stuck in a tiny town in the Midwest populated by character actors like Arliss Howard, Stockard Channing, and Melinda Dillon. As the three ingratiate themselves to the towns folk, who have no idea the ladies are men, they learn a little something about themselves, too. Ignore some of the sentiment and stereotypes, this is really funny often enough, and the fabulous trio turn in some great work, including Swayze and an impeccable comic timing he would reveal during hosting gigs on "Saturday Night Live." It's fun, and the best film of the week.
That's four, I counted them using my rubber ducky collection. The films, from best to worst:
1. To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar
2. Thinner
3. To Die For
4. Trial and Error
Next time, I get my hoity-toity on, reviewing five (yes, five) documentaries. Don't worry, nothing boring, just lots of sex, drugs, artists, and writers- sounds like my prom night. See you then.
Thinner (1996)
*Get "Thinner" on Amazon here*
*Get Thinner by Stephen King on Amazon here*
*Get "Thinner" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
*Get "Thinner" wall decor on Amazon here*
Stephen King's novel, written under the name Richard Bachman, makes a successful transition to the screen.
Billy (Robert John Burke) is a highly successful defense attorney, getting an acquittal for mobster Richie (Joe Mantegna). Billy is trying to diet, topping the scales at three hundred pounds. One night, Heidi (Lucinda Jenney), Billy's wife, begins fooling around with him in the car while he is driving. In the throes of passion, Billy does not see an elderly gypsy woman crossing the street, runs over her, and kills her. The judge and police chief conspire to cover the crime up, and the death is ruled accidental. That does not sit well with the old woman's even older father, Lempke (Michael Constantine), who brushes Billy's cheek and whispers the title of the film. Soon, Billy is dropping three or four pounds a day. He seems to be disappearing before everyone's eyes, and concern sets in. He is eating twelve thousand calories a day, still losing weight, and now Heidi and his doctor (Sam Freed) are spending a little too much time together. Billy decides to track down the gypsies, especially after hearing and witnessing others in on the conspiracy were cursed as well, and he mistakenly enlists Richie to help him.
Greg Cannom's special effects make-up is phenomenal. He had won Oscars in the past, and he should have won again for this film. Burke is totally believable going from 300 to 124 pounds in the span of the story. It helps that Burke's performance is as flawless as his make-up. He does not let all that latex and rubber get in the way, and goes from sympathetic to slightly deranged rather well. Jenney is also good as Heidi, although her character is often relegated to the "supportive wife" routine. The first hour of the film is very suspenseful. Billy is chasing the gypsies, and the authorities are chasing him. However, the film's biggest flaw was also the novel's biggest flaw- letting the convenient mob friend Richie help get revenge on the gypsies. Mantegna is one of those great actors who never receives his just credit, but here his character is just a caricature of mob types Mantegna has played before, especially on "The Simpsons"- try listening to Mantegna and not hearing Fat Tony. Holland's direction keeps things fresh, he shockingly shot this on location in Maine instead of fleeing to Canada like most Hollywood films, but the screenplay feels rushed. I wonder if this would have made a more effective transition to mini-series form, something King has done before.
I was surprised by "Thinner." Considering what some film makers have done to King's work, it is a better adaptation when put in that context. Strongly anchored by believable make-up and gore effects, and a fantastic central performance, I recommend it.
Stats:
(1996) 93 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Tom Holland
-Screenplay by Michael McDowell and Tom Holland based on the novel by Stephen King
-Cast: Robert John Burke, Lucinda Jenney, Joe Mantegna, Bethany Joy Lenz, Michael Constantine, Kari Wuhrer, Sam Freed, Time Winters, Terence Kava, Daniel von Bargen, Walter Bobbie, Jeffrey Ware, Randy Jurgensen
(R)
-Media Viewed: Home Video
*Get Thinner by Stephen King on Amazon here*
*Get "Thinner" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
*Get "Thinner" wall decor on Amazon here*
Stephen King's novel, written under the name Richard Bachman, makes a successful transition to the screen.
Billy (Robert John Burke) is a highly successful defense attorney, getting an acquittal for mobster Richie (Joe Mantegna). Billy is trying to diet, topping the scales at three hundred pounds. One night, Heidi (Lucinda Jenney), Billy's wife, begins fooling around with him in the car while he is driving. In the throes of passion, Billy does not see an elderly gypsy woman crossing the street, runs over her, and kills her. The judge and police chief conspire to cover the crime up, and the death is ruled accidental. That does not sit well with the old woman's even older father, Lempke (Michael Constantine), who brushes Billy's cheek and whispers the title of the film. Soon, Billy is dropping three or four pounds a day. He seems to be disappearing before everyone's eyes, and concern sets in. He is eating twelve thousand calories a day, still losing weight, and now Heidi and his doctor (Sam Freed) are spending a little too much time together. Billy decides to track down the gypsies, especially after hearing and witnessing others in on the conspiracy were cursed as well, and he mistakenly enlists Richie to help him.
Greg Cannom's special effects make-up is phenomenal. He had won Oscars in the past, and he should have won again for this film. Burke is totally believable going from 300 to 124 pounds in the span of the story. It helps that Burke's performance is as flawless as his make-up. He does not let all that latex and rubber get in the way, and goes from sympathetic to slightly deranged rather well. Jenney is also good as Heidi, although her character is often relegated to the "supportive wife" routine. The first hour of the film is very suspenseful. Billy is chasing the gypsies, and the authorities are chasing him. However, the film's biggest flaw was also the novel's biggest flaw- letting the convenient mob friend Richie help get revenge on the gypsies. Mantegna is one of those great actors who never receives his just credit, but here his character is just a caricature of mob types Mantegna has played before, especially on "The Simpsons"- try listening to Mantegna and not hearing Fat Tony. Holland's direction keeps things fresh, he shockingly shot this on location in Maine instead of fleeing to Canada like most Hollywood films, but the screenplay feels rushed. I wonder if this would have made a more effective transition to mini-series form, something King has done before.
I was surprised by "Thinner." Considering what some film makers have done to King's work, it is a better adaptation when put in that context. Strongly anchored by believable make-up and gore effects, and a fantastic central performance, I recommend it.
Stats:
(1996) 93 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Tom Holland
-Screenplay by Michael McDowell and Tom Holland based on the novel by Stephen King
-Cast: Robert John Burke, Lucinda Jenney, Joe Mantegna, Bethany Joy Lenz, Michael Constantine, Kari Wuhrer, Sam Freed, Time Winters, Terence Kava, Daniel von Bargen, Walter Bobbie, Jeffrey Ware, Randy Jurgensen
(R)
-Media Viewed: Home Video
Trial and Error (1997)
Michael Richards and Jeff Daniels team in this forgettable legal comedy that telegraphs the entire plot in the opening minutes.
Charles (Jeff Daniels) is about to marry snotty and shallow Tiffany (Alexandra Wentworth). He is a lawyer on the move, but will miss his bachelor party being thrown by his best friend Richard (Michael Richards). Charles must go to Nevada to get a continuance for Benny (Rip Torn), a con artist. Luckily for the audience, Richard is a complete screw-up- an actor who cannot get anything right. He flies out to Nevada and throws the party. Beautiful waitress Billie (Charlize Theron) helps get Charles rip-snorting drunk, and he misses the court date. Okay, hold your sides- Richard appears in his place! The trial is on! They are up against cute prosecutor Elizabeth (Jessica Steen), who Richard hit on the night before! Are you laughing yet?!
This film could have been an intelligent satire along the lines of "...And Justice for All." Imagine an actor playing a lawyer, and getting away with it. Sure, lawyers are not held in high regard, but this should have been great. Instead, Charles and Billie, despite their complete lack of chemistry, fall for one another. Richard and Elizabeth spar and kiss. We even get the edgy judge, played by poor Austin Pendleton, who can do nothing in a horribly written role. Just when you think the film cannot get any more predictable, the writers throw in a "surprise" visit, and that's when I threw a pillow across the room. The one plus is the location shooting in Independence, California, standing in for Nevada. This town is so beautiful, I want to move there and live in a trailer with a flat tire.
"Trial and Error" is terrible. It is not terrible because none of the slapstick works. It is not terrible because I knew what would happen so precisely, I thought I earned at least a co-story credit. It is terrible because the talent in front of the camera, the director, producers, writers, and everyone else involved blew a golden opportunity to make not only a smart comedy, but a funny one.
Stats:
(1997) 98 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Jonathan Lynn
-Screenplay by Sara Bernstein & Gregory Bernstein, Story by Sara Bernstein & Gregory Bernstein and Cliff Gardner
-Cast: Jeff Daniels, Michael Richards, Charlize Theron, Alexandra Wentworth, Rip Torn, Jessica Steen, Austin Pendleton, Jennifer Coolidge, Lawrence Pressman, Dale Dye, Max Casella, McNally Sagal, Kenneth White
(PG-13)
Charles (Jeff Daniels) is about to marry snotty and shallow Tiffany (Alexandra Wentworth). He is a lawyer on the move, but will miss his bachelor party being thrown by his best friend Richard (Michael Richards). Charles must go to Nevada to get a continuance for Benny (Rip Torn), a con artist. Luckily for the audience, Richard is a complete screw-up- an actor who cannot get anything right. He flies out to Nevada and throws the party. Beautiful waitress Billie (Charlize Theron) helps get Charles rip-snorting drunk, and he misses the court date. Okay, hold your sides- Richard appears in his place! The trial is on! They are up against cute prosecutor Elizabeth (Jessica Steen), who Richard hit on the night before! Are you laughing yet?!
This film could have been an intelligent satire along the lines of "...And Justice for All." Imagine an actor playing a lawyer, and getting away with it. Sure, lawyers are not held in high regard, but this should have been great. Instead, Charles and Billie, despite their complete lack of chemistry, fall for one another. Richard and Elizabeth spar and kiss. We even get the edgy judge, played by poor Austin Pendleton, who can do nothing in a horribly written role. Just when you think the film cannot get any more predictable, the writers throw in a "surprise" visit, and that's when I threw a pillow across the room. The one plus is the location shooting in Independence, California, standing in for Nevada. This town is so beautiful, I want to move there and live in a trailer with a flat tire.
"Trial and Error" is terrible. It is not terrible because none of the slapstick works. It is not terrible because I knew what would happen so precisely, I thought I earned at least a co-story credit. It is terrible because the talent in front of the camera, the director, producers, writers, and everyone else involved blew a golden opportunity to make not only a smart comedy, but a funny one.
Stats:
(1997) 98 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Jonathan Lynn
-Screenplay by Sara Bernstein & Gregory Bernstein, Story by Sara Bernstein & Gregory Bernstein and Cliff Gardner
-Cast: Jeff Daniels, Michael Richards, Charlize Theron, Alexandra Wentworth, Rip Torn, Jessica Steen, Austin Pendleton, Jennifer Coolidge, Lawrence Pressman, Dale Dye, Max Casella, McNally Sagal, Kenneth White
(PG-13)
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar (1995)
Although it often crosses over into stereotypes and sentimentality, this film is made likeable by its fabulous cast.
Vida (Patrick Swayze) and Noxeema (Wesley Snipes) are co-winners in a New York drag queen contest and win a trip to Hollywood to compete in a national pageant. Taking pity on drag queen in training Chi-Chi (John Leguizamo), they sell their two plane tickets and buy a Cadillac convertible and drive cross country. They have a run-in with hick sheriff Dollard (Chris Penn), and Vida thinks she has killed him after he discovers her male identity. The car breaks down somewhere in the Midwest, and the trio must wait a weekend before the part can be ordered. In the meantime, they integrate themselves into the small town, solving everyone's problems, and giving the place a little pizazz.
There are points in this film where my eyes rolled. No one in the town knows these three are men dressed in women's clothing. The dumb hick routine has been done before, and this film does not add anything. Vida, Noxeema, and Chi-Chi all have a heightened sense of fashion, have been rejected by their families, and can only rely on each other. Dollard is an insensitive bigot hunting the three down after being laughed at by other law enforcement officers. He is also a cliche, although Penn's scene in the bar talking about a man getting it on with another man is the highlight of the film.
Despite the stock characters, I am still recommending the film. Sure, the characters have been done before, but I still liked them all, even the villainous Dollard. The small town is populated by extremely good acting talent like Stockard Channing, Blythe Danner, Melinda Dillon, and Jason London, and that adds to the film. The writing never degenerates into the visiting trio trying to cover up the fact that they are men through weak slapstick or goofball chase scenes. After a while, I forgot Snipes, Swayze, and Leguizamo were actors dressed like women. There are no instances where the three "slip up" and reveal they are men, like "Tootsie" or "Some Like It Hot," and I am not faulting those films for that. Those films had straight men forced to dress like women. Here, Vida, Noxeema, and Chi-Chi make no secret of their love for men, and don't care what others believe of them- unless they could get physically hurt in the process. The title of the film refers to an autographed photograph the trio takes with them, turning it into their shrine and reason for going on.
With cameos by Robin Williams, RuPaul, and the titular Julie Newmar, I found I enjoyed "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" more than I probably should have. But like the three ladies, I did not care.
Stats:
(1995) 109 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Beeban Kidron
-Written by Douglas Carter Beane
-Cast: Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo, Chris Penn, Stockard Channing, Blythe Danner, Melinda Dillon, Jason London, Arliss Howard, Robin Williams, RuPaul, Julie Newmar, Beth Grant
(PG-13)
Vida (Patrick Swayze) and Noxeema (Wesley Snipes) are co-winners in a New York drag queen contest and win a trip to Hollywood to compete in a national pageant. Taking pity on drag queen in training Chi-Chi (John Leguizamo), they sell their two plane tickets and buy a Cadillac convertible and drive cross country. They have a run-in with hick sheriff Dollard (Chris Penn), and Vida thinks she has killed him after he discovers her male identity. The car breaks down somewhere in the Midwest, and the trio must wait a weekend before the part can be ordered. In the meantime, they integrate themselves into the small town, solving everyone's problems, and giving the place a little pizazz.
There are points in this film where my eyes rolled. No one in the town knows these three are men dressed in women's clothing. The dumb hick routine has been done before, and this film does not add anything. Vida, Noxeema, and Chi-Chi all have a heightened sense of fashion, have been rejected by their families, and can only rely on each other. Dollard is an insensitive bigot hunting the three down after being laughed at by other law enforcement officers. He is also a cliche, although Penn's scene in the bar talking about a man getting it on with another man is the highlight of the film.
Despite the stock characters, I am still recommending the film. Sure, the characters have been done before, but I still liked them all, even the villainous Dollard. The small town is populated by extremely good acting talent like Stockard Channing, Blythe Danner, Melinda Dillon, and Jason London, and that adds to the film. The writing never degenerates into the visiting trio trying to cover up the fact that they are men through weak slapstick or goofball chase scenes. After a while, I forgot Snipes, Swayze, and Leguizamo were actors dressed like women. There are no instances where the three "slip up" and reveal they are men, like "Tootsie" or "Some Like It Hot," and I am not faulting those films for that. Those films had straight men forced to dress like women. Here, Vida, Noxeema, and Chi-Chi make no secret of their love for men, and don't care what others believe of them- unless they could get physically hurt in the process. The title of the film refers to an autographed photograph the trio takes with them, turning it into their shrine and reason for going on.
With cameos by Robin Williams, RuPaul, and the titular Julie Newmar, I found I enjoyed "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar" more than I probably should have. But like the three ladies, I did not care.
Stats:
(1995) 109 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Beeban Kidron
-Written by Douglas Carter Beane
-Cast: Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo, Chris Penn, Stockard Channing, Blythe Danner, Melinda Dillon, Jason London, Arliss Howard, Robin Williams, RuPaul, Julie Newmar, Beth Grant
(PG-13)
To Die For (1995)
*Get "To Die For" on Amazon here*
*Get "To Die For" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
*Watch "Murder in New Hampshire: The Pamela Smart Story" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get Teach Me to Kill: The Shocking True Story of the Pamela Smart Murder Case by Steven Sawicki on Amazon here*
Nicole Kidman stars as a local television personality who will stop at nothing to get what she wants, but it is Gus Van Sant's direction that really shines.
Kidman plays Suzanne, a none-to-bright woman who decides she wants to be a giant media personality. She marries Larry (Matt Dillon), a restaurateur, and settles for doing the weather at a dead-end television station. Suzanne sees that Larry is not behind her career, and uses a trio of teens to kill him. She begins her plan by befriending them while shooting a documentary, then begins sleeping with James (Joaquin Phoenix), who in turn conspires with Russell (Casey Affleck) and Lydia (Alison Folland). Most of the film is told in flashback by the killers and families of Suzanne and Larry, and Suzanne herself.
"To Die For" is a strange film. Acting wise, the professional cast is saddled with one-note characters. While top-heavy with supporting players, Suzanne never really changes much, or offers enough menace to feel anything for her. Dillon fades into the background as Larry, trying too hard to make him normal. Buck Henry's screenplay is full of fits and starts, never gathering enough darkness to become a successful dark comedy, nor enough edge to become a successful satire. This is a shame, since murderers -as-celebrities are such a part of our lives today. The film never takes that final step and calls the media on the carpet, instead trying to get the viewer caught up in the mechanics of Suzanne and Jim's relationship, and Suzanne's progressively strange certainty that she will be famous.
Gus Van Sant's direction is absolutely fantastic. The interior of Larry and Suzanne's home is hysterical. His camera always finds the perfect tone for a scene, even if the scene is not especially well-written. I am one of the few who did not think much of "Drugstore Cowboy," although I do appreciate many of the films Van Sant has done since.
"To Die For" gets the viewer geared up for a no-punches-pulled look at popular culture, then throws in the towel before the bell rings. I cannot recommend it, despite the fine direction, the rest is a disappointment.
Stats:
(1995) 106 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Gus Van Sant
-Screenplay by Buck Henry based on the book by Joyce Maynard
-Cast: Nicole Kidman, Matt Dillon, Joaquin Phoenix, Casey Affleck, Alison Folland, Illeana Douglas, Dan Hedaya, Wayne Knight, Kurtwood Smith, Holland Taylor, Susan Traylor, Maria Tucci, Tim Hopper
(R)
*BAFTA*
-Best Actress- Nicole Kidman (lost to Emma Thompson "Sense and Sensibility")
*Golden Globes*
-Best Actress- Comedy or Musical Motion Picture (won)
*Get "To Die For" Original Motion Picture Soundtrack on Amazon here*
*Watch "Murder in New Hampshire: The Pamela Smart Story" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get Teach Me to Kill: The Shocking True Story of the Pamela Smart Murder Case by Steven Sawicki on Amazon here*
Nicole Kidman stars as a local television personality who will stop at nothing to get what she wants, but it is Gus Van Sant's direction that really shines.
Kidman plays Suzanne, a none-to-bright woman who decides she wants to be a giant media personality. She marries Larry (Matt Dillon), a restaurateur, and settles for doing the weather at a dead-end television station. Suzanne sees that Larry is not behind her career, and uses a trio of teens to kill him. She begins her plan by befriending them while shooting a documentary, then begins sleeping with James (Joaquin Phoenix), who in turn conspires with Russell (Casey Affleck) and Lydia (Alison Folland). Most of the film is told in flashback by the killers and families of Suzanne and Larry, and Suzanne herself.
"To Die For" is a strange film. Acting wise, the professional cast is saddled with one-note characters. While top-heavy with supporting players, Suzanne never really changes much, or offers enough menace to feel anything for her. Dillon fades into the background as Larry, trying too hard to make him normal. Buck Henry's screenplay is full of fits and starts, never gathering enough darkness to become a successful dark comedy, nor enough edge to become a successful satire. This is a shame, since murderers -as-celebrities are such a part of our lives today. The film never takes that final step and calls the media on the carpet, instead trying to get the viewer caught up in the mechanics of Suzanne and Jim's relationship, and Suzanne's progressively strange certainty that she will be famous.
Gus Van Sant's direction is absolutely fantastic. The interior of Larry and Suzanne's home is hysterical. His camera always finds the perfect tone for a scene, even if the scene is not especially well-written. I am one of the few who did not think much of "Drugstore Cowboy," although I do appreciate many of the films Van Sant has done since.
"To Die For" gets the viewer geared up for a no-punches-pulled look at popular culture, then throws in the towel before the bell rings. I cannot recommend it, despite the fine direction, the rest is a disappointment.
Stats:
(1995) 106 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Gus Van Sant
-Screenplay by Buck Henry based on the book by Joyce Maynard
-Cast: Nicole Kidman, Matt Dillon, Joaquin Phoenix, Casey Affleck, Alison Folland, Illeana Douglas, Dan Hedaya, Wayne Knight, Kurtwood Smith, Holland Taylor, Susan Traylor, Maria Tucci, Tim Hopper
(R)
*BAFTA*
-Best Actress- Nicole Kidman (lost to Emma Thompson "Sense and Sensibility")
*Golden Globes*
-Best Actress- Comedy or Musical Motion Picture (won)
The Video Store Grab 'n' Run: Laa-Dee-Documentaries
*This was written about twenty years ago, when video stores were still "a thing."*
*Get "The Cockettes" on Amazon here*
*Get "Kerouac: The Movie" on Amazon here*
*Get "Nico Icon" on Amazon here*
*Get "Pie in the Sky: The Brigid Berlin Story" on Amazon here*
*Get "William S. Burroughs: Commissioner of Sewers" on Amazon here*
Before you run screaming from the computer, afraid this column will be covering the mating habits of the dung beetle, or the deforestation of Brazil, just turn yourself around and plant that hinder back in the chair, little missy. Hitting the avant-garde and Beat lit lately, I thought a few documentaries about some of these "weirdos" would be entertaining.
I wish I could have lived in the '50's and '60's (I was born in '68), taking drugs, sleeping with whomever I pleased, and creating a new wave of art and literature whose era can never be recreated. I don't look back at the 1990's as a magical, creative time, I just see it as the decade when my first son was born and I had to go work for "the man" to put food on the table. This week's victims, all from the Documentary section, are: "The Cockettes," "Kerouac: The Movie," "Nico Icon," "Pie in the Sky: The Brigid Berlin Story," and "William S. Burroughs: Commissioner of Sewers."
Hello, Bill, tell me about your funky theory that dreams are time travel again. William S. Burroughs was one of the original Beat writers, and this too short video celebrates his writing and artwork. This was filmed in the 1980's, and Burroughs was showing his age, but he was still sharp as a tack and could have heady conversations with the surprisingly sharp interviewer Jurgen Proog, who asks very intelligent questions about Burroughs' creative process. I was sometimes bored, Burroughs was even too much for me, but this documentary is still worthy.
That Andy Warhol, what a gas! "Nico Icon" is a fantastic documentary about the pop icon known as Nico, who was born in Germany, emigrated to the United States, became one of Andy Warhol's superstars, and died before the age of 60 after finally kicking a decades-long heroin habit. The footage of her in her last years is depressing, after seeing what a beauty she was. Then there was her music, a deep singing voice belting out painfully honest lyrics that are hard to hear based on the singer's hatred of herself and disinterest in life in general. An astounding film, and I am Beat...
"Kerouac: The Movie" is an okay film, recommended simply because there is a lack of good documentaries on the King of the Beats. Kerouac died in 1969 at the ripe old age of 47, so he could not be reached for interviews like Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg could, when they became the old gentleman of the Beat movement. The film does rely too heavily on some unconvincing reenactments, but you do learn a lot about Kerouac, and you get to see the man on talk shows and reading his works, before sliding downhill into alcoholism. Not a great film, but good enough.
Who wants Pie? "Pie in the Sky: The Brigid Berlin Story" introduces us to sixty year old Brigid, who used to act in Warhol and Paul Morrissey's films, record phone conversations for public consumption with her conservative mother, and take her clothes off at the slightest inclination, not caring how others viewed her even if she weighed 260 pounds. Vincent Fremont and Shelly Dunn Fremont present their first documentary, and it is great. It helps that they let Brigid do her own talking, never pushing or trying to steal the film from her. This is intercut with tons of footage from Warhol's Factory days, and I enjoyed this tremendously.
What's a Cockette, you ask? They were like the Rockettes, only "The Cockettes" had more glitter and penises. In the late 1960's and early 1970's, a bunch of gay men, straight women, straight men, and possible gay women all communed together in San Francisco. They used to go to midnight movies, where old Hollywood musicals were played, and thought they could put on a stage show during the intermission. Everyone was in drag, when they kept their clothes on, and they lampooned everything from Busby Berkley musicals to Tricia Nixon's White House wedding. This is very funny, a few years before "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" debuted, but the troupe was eventually decimated by drug abuse and later, AIDS. Very good stuff.
There, that wasn't so bad, was it? I would recommend all five films this week, something I have never run into while writing this column. This may be a sign...from best to worst:
1. Nico Icon
2. Pie in the Sky: The Brigid Berlin Story
3. The Cockettes
4. William S. Burroughs: Commissioner of Sewers
5. Kerouac: The Movie
That's it for now, we'll see what happens the next time I shine a flaming hot spotlight on the underbelly of obscure video cinema.
*Get "The Cockettes" on Amazon here*
*Get "Kerouac: The Movie" on Amazon here*
*Get "Nico Icon" on Amazon here*
*Get "Pie in the Sky: The Brigid Berlin Story" on Amazon here*
*Get "William S. Burroughs: Commissioner of Sewers" on Amazon here*
Before you run screaming from the computer, afraid this column will be covering the mating habits of the dung beetle, or the deforestation of Brazil, just turn yourself around and plant that hinder back in the chair, little missy. Hitting the avant-garde and Beat lit lately, I thought a few documentaries about some of these "weirdos" would be entertaining.
I wish I could have lived in the '50's and '60's (I was born in '68), taking drugs, sleeping with whomever I pleased, and creating a new wave of art and literature whose era can never be recreated. I don't look back at the 1990's as a magical, creative time, I just see it as the decade when my first son was born and I had to go work for "the man" to put food on the table. This week's victims, all from the Documentary section, are: "The Cockettes," "Kerouac: The Movie," "Nico Icon," "Pie in the Sky: The Brigid Berlin Story," and "William S. Burroughs: Commissioner of Sewers."
Hello, Bill, tell me about your funky theory that dreams are time travel again. William S. Burroughs was one of the original Beat writers, and this too short video celebrates his writing and artwork. This was filmed in the 1980's, and Burroughs was showing his age, but he was still sharp as a tack and could have heady conversations with the surprisingly sharp interviewer Jurgen Proog, who asks very intelligent questions about Burroughs' creative process. I was sometimes bored, Burroughs was even too much for me, but this documentary is still worthy.
That Andy Warhol, what a gas! "Nico Icon" is a fantastic documentary about the pop icon known as Nico, who was born in Germany, emigrated to the United States, became one of Andy Warhol's superstars, and died before the age of 60 after finally kicking a decades-long heroin habit. The footage of her in her last years is depressing, after seeing what a beauty she was. Then there was her music, a deep singing voice belting out painfully honest lyrics that are hard to hear based on the singer's hatred of herself and disinterest in life in general. An astounding film, and I am Beat...
"Kerouac: The Movie" is an okay film, recommended simply because there is a lack of good documentaries on the King of the Beats. Kerouac died in 1969 at the ripe old age of 47, so he could not be reached for interviews like Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg could, when they became the old gentleman of the Beat movement. The film does rely too heavily on some unconvincing reenactments, but you do learn a lot about Kerouac, and you get to see the man on talk shows and reading his works, before sliding downhill into alcoholism. Not a great film, but good enough.
Who wants Pie? "Pie in the Sky: The Brigid Berlin Story" introduces us to sixty year old Brigid, who used to act in Warhol and Paul Morrissey's films, record phone conversations for public consumption with her conservative mother, and take her clothes off at the slightest inclination, not caring how others viewed her even if she weighed 260 pounds. Vincent Fremont and Shelly Dunn Fremont present their first documentary, and it is great. It helps that they let Brigid do her own talking, never pushing or trying to steal the film from her. This is intercut with tons of footage from Warhol's Factory days, and I enjoyed this tremendously.
What's a Cockette, you ask? They were like the Rockettes, only "The Cockettes" had more glitter and penises. In the late 1960's and early 1970's, a bunch of gay men, straight women, straight men, and possible gay women all communed together in San Francisco. They used to go to midnight movies, where old Hollywood musicals were played, and thought they could put on a stage show during the intermission. Everyone was in drag, when they kept their clothes on, and they lampooned everything from Busby Berkley musicals to Tricia Nixon's White House wedding. This is very funny, a few years before "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" debuted, but the troupe was eventually decimated by drug abuse and later, AIDS. Very good stuff.
There, that wasn't so bad, was it? I would recommend all five films this week, something I have never run into while writing this column. This may be a sign...from best to worst:
1. Nico Icon
2. Pie in the Sky: The Brigid Berlin Story
3. The Cockettes
4. William S. Burroughs: Commissioner of Sewers
5. Kerouac: The Movie
That's it for now, we'll see what happens the next time I shine a flaming hot spotlight on the underbelly of obscure video cinema.
Pie in the Sky: The Brigid Berlin Story (2000)
This is yet another fantastic documentary about a member of Andy Warhol's 1960's Factory. Unlike "Nico Icon" or the fictional "Ciao Manhattan," Brigid Berlin was alive and well when this film was made, and still a wonderful character.
Brigid was born to Richard and Honey Berlin in 1939. Her father eventually became chairman of the board of the Hearst Corporation, having to wrestle the company from William Randolph Hearst. She never met Patricia Hearst until John Waters brought them together on the set of "Serial Mom," and the two are friends despite the bad blood between the blue bloods. Brigid was rewarded with food as a child, and became overweight almost immediately. Her mother was a socialite, concerned with what everyone else thought of her wild child. Brigid has two sisters and a brother, and is not on speaking terms with any of them. Brigid became a confidante of Andy Warhol. She recorded hundreds of hours of telephone conversations with everyone, from her angered mother to her best friend Andy. She would be onstage, and call unsuspecting subjects, using the conversations as theater pieces. She also double exposed the new technology of Polaroid film, creating montages of her nude self and flowers. At 260 pounds, she was not self-conscious, and the film makers show a number of topless shots of Berlin. At the time this was filmed, Brigid was down to a healthy 123 pounds, hardly recognizable from her larger days. She was still a firebrand, obsessive about remembering everything, and she does imitations of her mother and Warhol that are both funny and enlightening. She has a bit of a key lime pie binge, gains ten pounds in a few days, and the camera never looks away from this woman who has always been comfortable in her body, it was every one else who told her to lose weight.
Over the course of the documentary, I came to like her immensely. She had these blue eyes that mesmerize you, whether she is lighting up her umpteenth cigarette of the interview, or just talking about her life. I thought she was very attractive when she was younger, "fat" or not. Now, she is older but still someone who would be fun to interview and talk with. Her remembrances of Andy Warhol are often touching. The film makers, Vincent Fremont and Shelly Dunn Fremont, rely on tons of footage from the Andy Warhol Museum, but we always get to see present-day Brigid as well. Brigid did some unorthodox work, and these examples are the highlight of the film. She would strip off her shirt, make prints using her breasts and paint, and give them away. She has an old blank bible, where the famous and the infamous would leave drawings and other paraphernalia strictly about penises. It would be a gas to see other trip books, blank books created while the subject or subjects were high. This is a fantastic, strong documentary. The Fremonts picked their subject well, and tell the story in a straightforward manner, without resulting to obvious flourishes to enliven the subject matter. Brigid Berlin was a flourish herself (she passed away in 2020), with fire in her eyes, a compulsion to clean and organize, and not a care in the world as to what people think of her, then and now. I really liked Brigid, and I really liked this film.
Stats:
(2000) 75 min. (10/10)
-Directed by Shelly Dunn Fremont, Vincent Fremont
-Featuring: Brigid Berlin, Paul Morrissey, Honey Berlin, Richard E. Berlin, Bob Colacello, John Waters, Patricia Hearst, Taylor Mead, Andy Warhol, Richard Bernstein, Larry Rivers
(Unrated)
Brigid was born to Richard and Honey Berlin in 1939. Her father eventually became chairman of the board of the Hearst Corporation, having to wrestle the company from William Randolph Hearst. She never met Patricia Hearst until John Waters brought them together on the set of "Serial Mom," and the two are friends despite the bad blood between the blue bloods. Brigid was rewarded with food as a child, and became overweight almost immediately. Her mother was a socialite, concerned with what everyone else thought of her wild child. Brigid has two sisters and a brother, and is not on speaking terms with any of them. Brigid became a confidante of Andy Warhol. She recorded hundreds of hours of telephone conversations with everyone, from her angered mother to her best friend Andy. She would be onstage, and call unsuspecting subjects, using the conversations as theater pieces. She also double exposed the new technology of Polaroid film, creating montages of her nude self and flowers. At 260 pounds, she was not self-conscious, and the film makers show a number of topless shots of Berlin. At the time this was filmed, Brigid was down to a healthy 123 pounds, hardly recognizable from her larger days. She was still a firebrand, obsessive about remembering everything, and she does imitations of her mother and Warhol that are both funny and enlightening. She has a bit of a key lime pie binge, gains ten pounds in a few days, and the camera never looks away from this woman who has always been comfortable in her body, it was every one else who told her to lose weight.
Over the course of the documentary, I came to like her immensely. She had these blue eyes that mesmerize you, whether she is lighting up her umpteenth cigarette of the interview, or just talking about her life. I thought she was very attractive when she was younger, "fat" or not. Now, she is older but still someone who would be fun to interview and talk with. Her remembrances of Andy Warhol are often touching. The film makers, Vincent Fremont and Shelly Dunn Fremont, rely on tons of footage from the Andy Warhol Museum, but we always get to see present-day Brigid as well. Brigid did some unorthodox work, and these examples are the highlight of the film. She would strip off her shirt, make prints using her breasts and paint, and give them away. She has an old blank bible, where the famous and the infamous would leave drawings and other paraphernalia strictly about penises. It would be a gas to see other trip books, blank books created while the subject or subjects were high. This is a fantastic, strong documentary. The Fremonts picked their subject well, and tell the story in a straightforward manner, without resulting to obvious flourishes to enliven the subject matter. Brigid Berlin was a flourish herself (she passed away in 2020), with fire in her eyes, a compulsion to clean and organize, and not a care in the world as to what people think of her, then and now. I really liked Brigid, and I really liked this film.
Stats:
(2000) 75 min. (10/10)
-Directed by Shelly Dunn Fremont, Vincent Fremont
-Featuring: Brigid Berlin, Paul Morrissey, Honey Berlin, Richard E. Berlin, Bob Colacello, John Waters, Patricia Hearst, Taylor Mead, Andy Warhol, Richard Bernstein, Larry Rivers
(Unrated)
Kerouac: The Movie (1985)
The King of the Beats gets a rather standard documentary treatment, complete with badly done reenactments, but it is hard to screw up such a strong subject.
Filmed in the early 1980's, all the Beat writers and various hangers-on are trotted out to tell the story of the author of "On the Road," a novel that changed modern literature. Jack Kerouac was born in Lowell, Massachusetts in 1922 and went to Columbia University on a football scholarship. He pounded out "On the Road" in three weeks, on a giant scroll of parchment paper. He eventually married a couple of times, had a daughter he was never close to, but always wrote- and drank. When Kerouac's life finally seemed to be turning for the better (he was selling his novels), he had a small breakdown over the newfound fame and really turned to the bottle. He was up to a quart of hard liquor a day, moved back in with his mother, and died at the age of 47.
The film makers utilize video of Kerouac on a couple of talk shows, and his transformation from the voice of the Beat generation on "The Steve Allen Show" to rambling angry drunk a few years later on "Firing Line with William F. Buckley" is sad to watch. What does not work here are the reenactments of Kerouac's life. Kerouac had a certain look that is hard to duplicate, although actor Jack Coulter certainly tries. The problem is the reenactments seem to have no budget, and early 1980's America does not stand in well for 1950's and 1960's America. At one point Kerouac is standing in front of a movie theater showing "Amityville 3-D," a film so bad I would want to drink a quart of liquor a day to forget it. Peter Coyote, sounding like Kevin Costner, narrates and John Antonelli handles the directing chores.
I will recommend the film because if you do not know Kerouac all that well, this is a safe place to start. "Kerouac" has been shown under a few other titles ("Kerouac," "Jack Kerouac: King of the Beats," "Kerouac, the Movie,") and it stood as the preeminent biography on its subject for many years.
Stats:
(1985) 78 min. (7/10)
-Directed by John Antonelli
-Screenplay by John Tytell & Frank Cervarich & John Antonelli, works by Jack Kerouac
-Featuring: Peter Coyote, Jack Kerouac, Jack Coulter, Michele DeFors, Kurt Deibel, Seth Goldstein, Jerold Pearson, Allen Ginsberg, Carolyn Cassady, Ann Charters, William S. Burroughs, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Herbert Huncke
(Not Rated)
Filmed in the early 1980's, all the Beat writers and various hangers-on are trotted out to tell the story of the author of "On the Road," a novel that changed modern literature. Jack Kerouac was born in Lowell, Massachusetts in 1922 and went to Columbia University on a football scholarship. He pounded out "On the Road" in three weeks, on a giant scroll of parchment paper. He eventually married a couple of times, had a daughter he was never close to, but always wrote- and drank. When Kerouac's life finally seemed to be turning for the better (he was selling his novels), he had a small breakdown over the newfound fame and really turned to the bottle. He was up to a quart of hard liquor a day, moved back in with his mother, and died at the age of 47.
The film makers utilize video of Kerouac on a couple of talk shows, and his transformation from the voice of the Beat generation on "The Steve Allen Show" to rambling angry drunk a few years later on "Firing Line with William F. Buckley" is sad to watch. What does not work here are the reenactments of Kerouac's life. Kerouac had a certain look that is hard to duplicate, although actor Jack Coulter certainly tries. The problem is the reenactments seem to have no budget, and early 1980's America does not stand in well for 1950's and 1960's America. At one point Kerouac is standing in front of a movie theater showing "Amityville 3-D," a film so bad I would want to drink a quart of liquor a day to forget it. Peter Coyote, sounding like Kevin Costner, narrates and John Antonelli handles the directing chores.
I will recommend the film because if you do not know Kerouac all that well, this is a safe place to start. "Kerouac" has been shown under a few other titles ("Kerouac," "Jack Kerouac: King of the Beats," "Kerouac, the Movie,") and it stood as the preeminent biography on its subject for many years.
Stats:
(1985) 78 min. (7/10)
-Directed by John Antonelli
-Screenplay by John Tytell & Frank Cervarich & John Antonelli, works by Jack Kerouac
-Featuring: Peter Coyote, Jack Kerouac, Jack Coulter, Michele DeFors, Kurt Deibel, Seth Goldstein, Jerold Pearson, Allen Ginsberg, Carolyn Cassady, Ann Charters, William S. Burroughs, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Herbert Huncke
(Not Rated)
Tuesday, May 13, 2025
Nico Icon (1995)
Susanne Ofteringer writes and directs a haunting documentary about the life of pop icon Nico.
Nico was born Christa Paffgen in Germany, and her father was killed under mysterious circumstances during World War II. She was a gorgeous woman, hitting the modeling circuit right away, and ending up in Paris, where she was named Nico after showing dislike for her own name. From Paris, Nico headed to New York, and Andy Warhol's Factory. She was quiet, gorgeous, and full of hatred of her own beauty. A fling with French actor Alain Delon produced a son whom Delon would not acknowledge, and the boy was raised by Delon's parents. Nico was teamed with the band the Velvet Underground, where her deep accented voice complemented Lou Reed and John Cale's new sound. Nico went solo, and drifted from lover to lover, including Jim Morrison and a very young Jackson Browne. She continued to record music, throwing in strange songs that would be lyrical and sometimes difficult. Nico began taking heroin, even getting her son Ari hooked on it, and cleaned up too late before dying of a brain hemorrhage at 58.
Ofteringer's documentary is riveting. She begins with Nico's last days touring in the mid-1980's- Nico looks old and tired. Her keyboardist James Young describes how she had needle tracks running up her arms, often pulled a knife on people over the slightest or no provocation, her teeth were rotting, and she would shove heroin up her anus at border crossings to avoid arrest. Ofteringer then traces Nico's beginnings, getting incredible interviews with a favorite aunt who raised her, a manager, Cale, Paul Morrissey, Browne, and even her son. The film is only sixty-seven minutes, but Ofteringer says more than enough without dragging the tragic story out. Footage of Nico's final years is especially difficult to watch, as she gamely tries to sing The Doors' "The End." It is not a great cover, but the pain in her voice is honest. Nico did not like people, did not like herself, and used her anger and imaginary lesbianism to build a wall around herself. This was a sad life, after watching "Ciao Manhattan" and seeing Edie Sedgwick self-destruct onscreen, you begin to wonder how "glorious" it was to be a part of Andy Warhol's Factory, and the hard drug scene in general.
Nico's songs are hard to forget, as is her deep voice. Truly an exceptional piece of work.
Stats:
(1995) 67 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Susanne Ofteringer
-Featuring: Nico, Tina Aumont, Jackson Browne, John Cale, Paul Morrissey, Jonas Mekas, Viva, Christian Paffgen, Edith Boulogne, Danny Fields, Sterling Morrison, Billy Name, Nikos Papatakis
(Unrated)
Nico was born Christa Paffgen in Germany, and her father was killed under mysterious circumstances during World War II. She was a gorgeous woman, hitting the modeling circuit right away, and ending up in Paris, where she was named Nico after showing dislike for her own name. From Paris, Nico headed to New York, and Andy Warhol's Factory. She was quiet, gorgeous, and full of hatred of her own beauty. A fling with French actor Alain Delon produced a son whom Delon would not acknowledge, and the boy was raised by Delon's parents. Nico was teamed with the band the Velvet Underground, where her deep accented voice complemented Lou Reed and John Cale's new sound. Nico went solo, and drifted from lover to lover, including Jim Morrison and a very young Jackson Browne. She continued to record music, throwing in strange songs that would be lyrical and sometimes difficult. Nico began taking heroin, even getting her son Ari hooked on it, and cleaned up too late before dying of a brain hemorrhage at 58.
Ofteringer's documentary is riveting. She begins with Nico's last days touring in the mid-1980's- Nico looks old and tired. Her keyboardist James Young describes how she had needle tracks running up her arms, often pulled a knife on people over the slightest or no provocation, her teeth were rotting, and she would shove heroin up her anus at border crossings to avoid arrest. Ofteringer then traces Nico's beginnings, getting incredible interviews with a favorite aunt who raised her, a manager, Cale, Paul Morrissey, Browne, and even her son. The film is only sixty-seven minutes, but Ofteringer says more than enough without dragging the tragic story out. Footage of Nico's final years is especially difficult to watch, as she gamely tries to sing The Doors' "The End." It is not a great cover, but the pain in her voice is honest. Nico did not like people, did not like herself, and used her anger and imaginary lesbianism to build a wall around herself. This was a sad life, after watching "Ciao Manhattan" and seeing Edie Sedgwick self-destruct onscreen, you begin to wonder how "glorious" it was to be a part of Andy Warhol's Factory, and the hard drug scene in general.
Nico's songs are hard to forget, as is her deep voice. Truly an exceptional piece of work.
Stats:
(1995) 67 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Susanne Ofteringer
-Featuring: Nico, Tina Aumont, Jackson Browne, John Cale, Paul Morrissey, Jonas Mekas, Viva, Christian Paffgen, Edith Boulogne, Danny Fields, Sterling Morrison, Billy Name, Nikos Papatakis
(Unrated)
The Video Store Grab 'n' Run: Variety Is the Spice of Life
*This was written about twenty years ago, when video stores were still "a thing."*
*Get "Combat Shock" on Amazon here*
*Get "Cross My Heart" on Amazon here*
*Get "The Great Train Robbery" on Amazon here*
*Get "The Heart of Texas Ryan" on Amazon here*
*Get "Torque" on Amazon here*
This time around, we turn our deficited attention- I smell fudge- to five new films picked at random on a recent jaunt through the old video store. The five films are currently readying themselves for viewing, receiving last minute rubdowns, fraternizing with each other, and creating alliances in the hope of counteracting their own perceived suckiness. The films this week: from Action- "Combat Shock" and "Torque," from Comedy- "Cross My Heart," and from Westerns- "The Great Train Robbery" and "The Heart of Texas Ryan."
I love the smell of Troma in the morning, it smells like...a crappy film. "Combat Shock" is not your normal cup of Troma bile. This is a gritty, grim account of a veteran's life in decaying Staten Island, complete with prostitutes, junkies, and bad television reception- sounds like my freshman year of college. The film is well acted and directed, but it is also very slow, with a terrible fake baby special effect. The gory finale is something you will not be able to forget (or stomach).
The third date's the charm, and Martin Short and Annette O'Toole have an eventful evening in "Cross My Heart." Both are keeping secrets from one another (she's got a kid, he's unemployed), and the two try to build a relationship based on a pack of lies. While the film has a staginess to it, the two leads absolutely shine in some of their best work, and the laughs are there without being forced.
Got twelve minutes? The antiquey film of the group is the over-a-century old "The Great Train Robbery." Pish posh, a silent film, but this is one of the first ones to do things we take for granted today like: linear plot, location shooting, and filming in New Jersey. Three outlaws hold up a train, and a posse chases them down. The overacting is fun, and witnessing a piece of cinematic history might get you kissed at your next film festival outing- "yes, I think the direction in 'Artsy Fartsy Festival Twaddle Number 75,' was static, but no more than Edwin S. Porter's use of composition in 1903's 'The Great Train Robbery.'"- I am so aroused. This must mean that all silent westerns are fun to watch!
Wrong! Try enduring "The Heart of Texas Ryan." Tom Mix plays "Single-Shot" Parker, who falls for local rancher's daughter Texas Ryan, and must deal with some ornery cattle rustlers. The scenery is pretty, but this was two films cut together, and half the time I did not have a clue what was going on. The dialogue is also unintentionally funny, and the more blatant racist scenes had me rolling my eyes (fireworks scare Indians, the rustlers are led by a Mexican). Nice hog!
"Torque" is an instantly forgettable fable of one man's fight against society and its suffocating grasp on his ability to forge a life on this mortal coil. And it's got, like, cool bikes and chicks and stuff. This was made for the eighth grade boy in all of us, and almost counters its blatant stupidity with some really cool action sequences...almost.
Has it been five already? I haven't even warmed up the nachos! Well, I would not vote only two films off the island this week, the other three will have to endure an immunity challenge involving grape jam, Mickey Rourke, and five hundred angry bees. In order from best to worst:
1. Cross My Heart
2. The Great Train Robbery
3. Combat Shock
4. Torque
5. The Heart of Texas Ryan
Next time, I will return with five new (to me) flicks clutched in my grubby hand. You know, my writing style combines the ham fisted nuance of Hemingway with the intelligent and understated film criticism of Gene Siskel...no? Yeah, I know.
*Get "Combat Shock" on Amazon here*
*Get "Cross My Heart" on Amazon here*
*Get "The Great Train Robbery" on Amazon here*
*Get "The Heart of Texas Ryan" on Amazon here*
*Get "Torque" on Amazon here*
This time around, we turn our deficited attention- I smell fudge- to five new films picked at random on a recent jaunt through the old video store. The five films are currently readying themselves for viewing, receiving last minute rubdowns, fraternizing with each other, and creating alliances in the hope of counteracting their own perceived suckiness. The films this week: from Action- "Combat Shock" and "Torque," from Comedy- "Cross My Heart," and from Westerns- "The Great Train Robbery" and "The Heart of Texas Ryan."
I love the smell of Troma in the morning, it smells like...a crappy film. "Combat Shock" is not your normal cup of Troma bile. This is a gritty, grim account of a veteran's life in decaying Staten Island, complete with prostitutes, junkies, and bad television reception- sounds like my freshman year of college. The film is well acted and directed, but it is also very slow, with a terrible fake baby special effect. The gory finale is something you will not be able to forget (or stomach).
The third date's the charm, and Martin Short and Annette O'Toole have an eventful evening in "Cross My Heart." Both are keeping secrets from one another (she's got a kid, he's unemployed), and the two try to build a relationship based on a pack of lies. While the film has a staginess to it, the two leads absolutely shine in some of their best work, and the laughs are there without being forced.
Got twelve minutes? The antiquey film of the group is the over-a-century old "The Great Train Robbery." Pish posh, a silent film, but this is one of the first ones to do things we take for granted today like: linear plot, location shooting, and filming in New Jersey. Three outlaws hold up a train, and a posse chases them down. The overacting is fun, and witnessing a piece of cinematic history might get you kissed at your next film festival outing- "yes, I think the direction in 'Artsy Fartsy Festival Twaddle Number 75,' was static, but no more than Edwin S. Porter's use of composition in 1903's 'The Great Train Robbery.'"- I am so aroused. This must mean that all silent westerns are fun to watch!
Wrong! Try enduring "The Heart of Texas Ryan." Tom Mix plays "Single-Shot" Parker, who falls for local rancher's daughter Texas Ryan, and must deal with some ornery cattle rustlers. The scenery is pretty, but this was two films cut together, and half the time I did not have a clue what was going on. The dialogue is also unintentionally funny, and the more blatant racist scenes had me rolling my eyes (fireworks scare Indians, the rustlers are led by a Mexican). Nice hog!
"Torque" is an instantly forgettable fable of one man's fight against society and its suffocating grasp on his ability to forge a life on this mortal coil. And it's got, like, cool bikes and chicks and stuff. This was made for the eighth grade boy in all of us, and almost counters its blatant stupidity with some really cool action sequences...almost.
Has it been five already? I haven't even warmed up the nachos! Well, I would not vote only two films off the island this week, the other three will have to endure an immunity challenge involving grape jam, Mickey Rourke, and five hundred angry bees. In order from best to worst:
1. Cross My Heart
2. The Great Train Robbery
3. Combat Shock
4. Torque
5. The Heart of Texas Ryan
Next time, I will return with five new (to me) flicks clutched in my grubby hand. You know, my writing style combines the ham fisted nuance of Hemingway with the intelligent and understated film criticism of Gene Siskel...no? Yeah, I know.
The Heart of Texas Ryan (1917)
Legendary cowboy star Tom Mix stars in this poorly done silent western. If you think it plays like two films, you would be right.
Mix plays "Single-Shot" Parker, a lovable ranch hand on Colonel Ryan's (George Fawcett) cattle ranch. Ryan eagerly awaits the return of his daughter, Texas (Bessie Eyton), who has been away at college. Of course, there's trouble a-brewin' in the small southwest Texas town of Cactus Gulch. The local marshal, "Dice" McAllister (Frank Campeau) is in cahoots with local cattle rustler Jose Mandero (William Ryno). Parker and McAllister get into a fight, but that doesn't stop our hero from driving the town nuts with a drunken Fourth of July celebration. Parker has fallen in love with Texas through her portrait, and follows her advice when she states that more can be done with words than a gun. This advice comes in handy when Mandero and his men kidnap Texas.
According to the DVD, "The Heart of Texas Ryan" started life as a film based on a Zane Grey story, done before rights could be hammered out. Some of the scenes from the first film are cut in with new footage, and it does not work. The first film had more comic elements, so out of nowhere we get a fight with the marshal and a Fourth of July celebration, all of which add nothing to the main plot. The film makers then make the mistake of telling an audience something that has happened with a title card instead of showing it, a huge mistake in a silent film. Mandero escapes, and we are told. The finale is supposed to be a breathtaking climax as one major character rides to the rescue of another before an execution takes place, and it is told to us instead of being shown. This is a silent film- dialogue and title cards were kept to a minimum. Instead, the director and writers take the easy way out, using shortcut strategies that many in today's more advanced world use. What a disappointment.
"The Heart of Texas Ryan" is of little interest as cinematic history. Western buffs might want to see it to complete their area of interest, and it was fun to see icon Tom Mix, but otherwise the film is a letdown. Also known as "Single-Shot Parker."
Stats:
(1903) 60 min. (3/10)
-Directed by E.A. Martin
-Scenario by Gilson Willets, based on the novel The Light of Western Stars by Zane Grey
-Cast: Tom Mix, George Fawcett, Bessie Eyton, Frank Campeau, William Ryno, Goldie Colwell, Charles K. Gerrard, Sid Jordan
(Not Rated)
Mix plays "Single-Shot" Parker, a lovable ranch hand on Colonel Ryan's (George Fawcett) cattle ranch. Ryan eagerly awaits the return of his daughter, Texas (Bessie Eyton), who has been away at college. Of course, there's trouble a-brewin' in the small southwest Texas town of Cactus Gulch. The local marshal, "Dice" McAllister (Frank Campeau) is in cahoots with local cattle rustler Jose Mandero (William Ryno). Parker and McAllister get into a fight, but that doesn't stop our hero from driving the town nuts with a drunken Fourth of July celebration. Parker has fallen in love with Texas through her portrait, and follows her advice when she states that more can be done with words than a gun. This advice comes in handy when Mandero and his men kidnap Texas.
According to the DVD, "The Heart of Texas Ryan" started life as a film based on a Zane Grey story, done before rights could be hammered out. Some of the scenes from the first film are cut in with new footage, and it does not work. The first film had more comic elements, so out of nowhere we get a fight with the marshal and a Fourth of July celebration, all of which add nothing to the main plot. The film makers then make the mistake of telling an audience something that has happened with a title card instead of showing it, a huge mistake in a silent film. Mandero escapes, and we are told. The finale is supposed to be a breathtaking climax as one major character rides to the rescue of another before an execution takes place, and it is told to us instead of being shown. This is a silent film- dialogue and title cards were kept to a minimum. Instead, the director and writers take the easy way out, using shortcut strategies that many in today's more advanced world use. What a disappointment.
"The Heart of Texas Ryan" is of little interest as cinematic history. Western buffs might want to see it to complete their area of interest, and it was fun to see icon Tom Mix, but otherwise the film is a letdown. Also known as "Single-Shot Parker."
Stats:
(1903) 60 min. (3/10)
-Directed by E.A. Martin
-Scenario by Gilson Willets, based on the novel The Light of Western Stars by Zane Grey
-Cast: Tom Mix, George Fawcett, Bessie Eyton, Frank Campeau, William Ryno, Goldie Colwell, Charles K. Gerrard, Sid Jordan
(Not Rated)
The Great Train Robbery (1903)
This classic western has everything: good guys, bad guys, a train robbery, murder, shootings- and no sound. What a full twelve minutes!
Filmed in 1903 in the wilderness of New Jersey, this short film from Thomas Edison's company broke new ground in film making. Three robbers tie up a station agent and board a train when it stops to water. They rob the postal car, and blow the safe. They then force the engineer to stop, unload the passengers, and rob them all, killing an escapee. They board the now uncoupled engine and ride it ahead, jumping off and escaping into the nearby woods. A little girl (Mary Snow) discovers the station agent, and the local townsfolk stop their dance and form a posse. The famous closing shot has an actor (Justus D. Barnes) firing a gun directly into the camera, something that had audiences diving for cover over a century ago.
The film is pretty good, especially considering that viewers back then had never seen anything like it before. The special effects and the static direction static are fine, and the editing is brisk. Some of the actors over-emote, throwing their arms in the air when shot, but that is okay. There are no titles in the original film now at the Library of Congress, but the story is so simple, you will figure it out.
While the film is not a must-see classic that will change your life, "The Great Train Robbery" is definitely a hoot. Western fans will enjoys seeing where all their cliches began, and film buffs will get a kick out of it, too. At twelve minutes, what have you got to lose?
Stats:
(1903) 12 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Edwin S. Porter
-Written by Matt Johnson
-Cast: Gilbert M. "Broncho Billy" Anderson, Justus D. Barnes, Mary Snow, Donald Gallaher, George Barnes, Robert Milasch, A.C. Abadie, Walter Cameron, John Manus Dougherty Sr., Shadrack E. Graham, Frank Hanaway, Adam Charles Hayman, Morgan Jones
(Not Rated)
Filmed in 1903 in the wilderness of New Jersey, this short film from Thomas Edison's company broke new ground in film making. Three robbers tie up a station agent and board a train when it stops to water. They rob the postal car, and blow the safe. They then force the engineer to stop, unload the passengers, and rob them all, killing an escapee. They board the now uncoupled engine and ride it ahead, jumping off and escaping into the nearby woods. A little girl (Mary Snow) discovers the station agent, and the local townsfolk stop their dance and form a posse. The famous closing shot has an actor (Justus D. Barnes) firing a gun directly into the camera, something that had audiences diving for cover over a century ago.
The film is pretty good, especially considering that viewers back then had never seen anything like it before. The special effects and the static direction static are fine, and the editing is brisk. Some of the actors over-emote, throwing their arms in the air when shot, but that is okay. There are no titles in the original film now at the Library of Congress, but the story is so simple, you will figure it out.
While the film is not a must-see classic that will change your life, "The Great Train Robbery" is definitely a hoot. Western fans will enjoys seeing where all their cliches began, and film buffs will get a kick out of it, too. At twelve minutes, what have you got to lose?
Stats:
(1903) 12 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Edwin S. Porter
-Written by Matt Johnson
-Cast: Gilbert M. "Broncho Billy" Anderson, Justus D. Barnes, Mary Snow, Donald Gallaher, George Barnes, Robert Milasch, A.C. Abadie, Walter Cameron, John Manus Dougherty Sr., Shadrack E. Graham, Frank Hanaway, Adam Charles Hayman, Morgan Jones
(Not Rated)
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