Clifford (1994)

Martin Short and Charles Grodin star in this mess of a comedy that unsettled me more often than it made me want to hurl.

Short plays ten year old Clifford, a little tyke who makes Dennis the Menace look like a choirboy. Therein lies the first massive mistake in the film- Short pulls everything he can out of his magic fun comedy bag, but does not elicit one chuckle playing a child. Anyway, Clifford's parents cannot stand to be around him, and on their way to Honolulu, they drop the little darling off with Clifford's Uncle Martin (Charles Grodin) in Los Angeles. Uncle Martin is having his own problems with fiancee Sarah (what is Mary Steenburgen doing in this?), who wants kids. Martin decides to prove to Sarah that he loves kids, and takes in Clifford, whose only wish is to go to local theme park Dinosaur World. What follows is an hour and a half of Clifford ruining Martin's life, Martin shrieking at Clifford, and Sarah not believing the worst about the child. The story is framed by an older Clifford, a priest in 2050, telling the story to a young runaway (Ben Savage).

Words cannot describe how stupid this comedy is, but if that were true, this review would end right now- this is woefully unfunny. I was too busy being weirded out by Short's casting to realize right away that he was the film's only gimmick. The story is so weak and padded, the only reason you do not turn it off after the first ten minutes is because the sadist in you wants to see how much more creepy Short gets playing a kid; and it does get really creepy. Grodin grates and grates on the viewer's nerves. Steenburgen looks trapped, and Dabney Coleman plays another variation of his "9 to 5" jerk boss. Flaherty's direction is flat, and the cinematography is amateur looking- casting so many shadows I thought I was watching a Thai finger puppet show. The finale at the theme park, involving a ride gone wrong, is weak. For one thing, this is supposed to be a major theme park, yet the ride can take only one person at a time? Imagine that line during tourist season. The script is boring since it sets up the premise, then beats it to death. Oh, no, Clifford forced the plane down on an emergency landing! Oh, no, Clifford gets a crush on Sarah! Oh, no, Clifford makes fun of Martin's boss' toupee! This all got real old real quick.

"Clifford" sat on a shelf for quite a while before being dismissed en masse by the movie going public. I welcome the opportunity to dismiss it as well. The film's writers are credited with pseudonyms, and there's a weak attempt at labeling this a cult film. The name "Clifford" is better known as a giant red cartoon dog in children's books, television, and film. This "Clifford" is the equivalent of what comes out of the back end of that canine.

Stats:
(1994) 90 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Paul Flaherty
-Written by William Porter & Steven Kampmann
-Cast: Martin Short, Charles Grodin, Mary Steenburgen, Dabney Coleman, Richard Kind, Jennifer Savidge, Brandis Kemp, Ben Savage, Don Galloway, Tim Lane, Susan Varon, Josh Seal, Marianne Muellerleile
(PG)