When in Rome (2010)

If I wanted to watch bad television, I would have skipped this film and turned on any original basic cable daytime programming.

Beth (Kristen Bell) is a driven museum curator suddenly invited to Rome to be in her sister's (Alexis Dziena) wedding. While her younger sister celebrates her whirlwind romance, Beth worries about a huge exhibition overseen by her cold boss Celeste (Anjelica Huston, who wandered in for a paycheck). At the wedding, Beth meets the charming Nick (Josh Duhamel), and the two get along very well until the well-worn sitcom cliche -"sees possible new boyfriend kissed by mystery girl"- rears its ugly head. Beth gets good and drunk- the adorable rom-com drunk, not the puke-on-your-own-hair drunk- and takes some coins from the conveniently placed Fountain of Love, where the lovelorn throw in their Euros and other monies and hope for true love. An odd thing happens. The five coins she took are magically connected to the five men who threw them in, and those five men fall hopelessly in love with Beth, who has jetted back home to New York City. Beth must not only avoid sportswriter Nick, but struggling artist Antonio (Will Arnett), self-obsessed male model Gale (Dax Shepard), street magician Lance (Jon Heder), and sausage king Al (Danny DeVito). Beth must discern whether Nick is feeling real love through a series of badly written set pieces, as the other four men make fools of themselves trying to win her heart, too.

For a ninety-one minute movie, this film has a lot of characters. Both Beth and Nick have the standard network of try-to-be-funnier supporting friends, and Beth's divorced parents (Peggy Lipton, Don Johnson) bicker and give Beth sads. The editing is choppy and the viewer is thrown into the melee quickly, so we don't get to know Beth, a vacuous harpy I didn't sympathize with. Bell is okay in the lead role, but she must act her way through a screenplay that unravels like a series of rejected "Saturday Night Live" skits. The vase that wouldn't break at the wedding? Calling a girl during a men-only poker game? A "blackout" restaurant? The cast goes through the motions, with Duhamel and Shepard getting the most precious laughs as the film makers lurch from one unfunny set-up to another. The cast doesn't get to "play" or improvise (check out Shepard on the blooper reel delivering funnier material than what ended up in the final cut), reined in by a pace meant to hide all the predictability.

It's sad, but "When in Rome" is indicative of the sorry state of romantic comedies. Like a plate of spaghetti, it's been done before, is a bit cheesy, and brings little satisfaction but a lot of heartburn.

Stats:
(2010) 91 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Mark Steven Johnson
-Written by David Diamond & David Weissman
-Cast: Kristen Bell, Josh Duhamel, Anjelica Huston, Alexis Dziena, Will Arnett, Dax Shepard, Jon Heder, Danny DeVito, Peggy Lipton, Don Johnson, Kate Micucci, Luca Calvani, Keir O'Donnell
(PG-13)

Which Way to the Front? (1970)

I'm not sure I have ever laughed so little at something billed as a comedy...no, wait, I've seen some of the "American Pie" franchise films.

World War II is raging and Jerry Lewis plays the richest man in the world. He is rejected as 4-F by the Army, and decides to use his money to raise his own army of about half a dozen men. He impersonates a Nazi commander in Italy, and eventually tries to kill Hitler- and that is the description of the flimsy plot.

This film is as funny as a heart attack, and makes "Hogan's Heroes" look like Shakespeare. I cannot stress how bad this is. Lewis' direction consists of two cameras shooting the action from two angles, and the footage is edited together. This sitcom direction works on television, but this is an obvious attempt to cheat the audience. He ends most of his scenes with a still shot, giving the viewer a chance to double over in stitches before going to the next tired set-up. Lewis- star, director, and producer, sets the film in 1943, but makes no attempt to use period costumes or sets. Everyone wears the latest 1970 style, cavorting in the latest interior design.

The supporting cast is lost as Lewis goes off on comedic tangents, which last as long as major surgery and are just as painful. When Lewis becomes the Nazi commander, he spends the last half of the film screaming at the top of his lungs in a performance so odious as to stink up any goodwill you try to bring in at the beginning. The final embarrassing shot has Lewis and his cronies trying to put one over on the Japanese. They wear buck teeth, squint their eyes, and talk in a "funny" accent. I was slack-jawed at what Lewis did through this anyway, but that put me over the edge. Watch for Kaye Ballard's tasteless scene where she attempts to end it all over and over again. George Takei has two scenes, then wisely drops out of the picture- I wonder what this progressive icon thinks of this today? There is nothing sadder than watching a formerly respected comedian screw up a project so horribly, you actually feel sorry for them; trust me, I sat through "Boom in the Moon" starring Buster Keaton. I've never recognized the "genius" that others (the country of France) see in Jerry Lewis' work, and I would hold this film up as an example.

"Which Way to the Front?" is cheap, unfunny, offensive, and stupid. I feel bad for everyone involved, and anyone who must endure this.

Stats:
(1970) 96 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Jerry Lewis
-Screenplay by Gerald Gardner & Dee Caruso, Story by Gerald Gardner & Dee Caruso and Dick Miller
-Cast: Jerry Lewis, Jan Murray, John Wood, Steve Franken, Willie Davis, Dack Rambo, Robert Middleton, Kaye Ballard, Harold J. Stone, Paul Winchell, Sidney Miller, Joe Besser, Gary Crosby, George Takei
(G)

Wild Girl Waltz (2012)

A virtually plotless film that scores more laughs than some mainstream "stoner" comedies.

Best friends Angie (Christina Shipp) and Tara (Samantha Steinmetz) decide to take a couple of mystery pills to get over a boring day sitting around the house after Angie got a milkshake thrown at her while walking along a road. The pills give them the high they wanted, and they enlist Brian (Jared Stern), who happens to be Tara's boyfriend and Angie's brother, to hang out with them. The trio drive around their small town, still bored.

Yup, that's pretty much it, yet writer/director Mark Lewis lets his cast score some big laughs. I have never been much of a stoner comedy fan, the allure of Cheech and Chong escapes me to this day, but Shipp and Steinmetz are naturally funny before and after they pop the pills. We get to see a few other characters (a guy who owes Brian money, a bartender who Angie flirts with), and we get to experience the small town boredom Angie and Tara are feeling. This isn't deep, navel-gazing comedy, and Lewis does pad the film with a few too many driving scenes. Not all the laughs hit, too, much like when your "funny" friends get drunk or high. The three leads have a chemistry that is pretty astounding. Shipp, Steinmetz, and Stern are natural together, and Lewis lets them do their thing. I don't know how much of this was improvised, but the goofiness of the women's high is almost natural. Lewis keeps things small and intimate, and therefore successful.

"Wild Girl Waltz" isn't as wild as you think it will get, but it is funny enough to recommend.

Stats:
(2012) 82 min. (7/10)
-Written and Directed by Mark Lewis
-Cast: Christina Shipp, Samantha Steinmetz, Jared Stern, Brad Hemesath, Scott Lewis, Kim Barlow, Kim Gordon, Alexander Cook, Julian Lowenthal, Sean McDonald
(Not Rated)

Lucky Bastard (2014)

This low budget thriller is hampered by its own subgenre, as "found footage" takes another casualty.

Mike (Don McManus) runs the porn website "Lucky Bastard," where he dabbles in fake sexual assault scenes for his subscribers. He decides to do his infamous "regular guy gets to sleep with a porn star on camera" scene with a hesitant Ashley (Betsy Rue). The logistics are in motion, his crew is set, and "nice" David (Jay Paulson) is chosen. David begins messing up right away, offending cast and crew with his naivete and nerves. Mike tries to make it work and salvage his production fee until David snaps.

The germ of an excellent thriller is here. There's a sense of foreboding as the opening footage is of first responders finding bodies at the house the video was to be shot at- a convenient reality show setting with a bunch of cameras spread around the rented home and grounds. The film has Wonderland/Manson murders vibes, and most of the camera angles seem natural. The dialogue seems to be scripted, so there are no awkward improvised dialogue scenes, although the stabs at characterization are sometimes shallow. The editing and sound are fantastic. This isn't a "porno" by definition, but it deserves its (NC-17) rating; this is the kind of film the rating was invented for.

If the film had been a scripted look at a porno set descend into murderous chaos, it might have worked. There is no real suspense, but seeing the victims begging for their lives instead of wandering around alone and experiencing a jump scare or two is almost refreshing. I've seen some of the cast in other projects (Rue was hilarious as a spoiled pop star in an episode of "iCarly" years ago), and they all do well here. Around Ashley's third walk-off of a set, I started checking the running time. I can't stand "confessing villains" in films, but even a little more about David would have helped. The characters must hold back because this is all being shot for online use, an omnipresent camera would have given the viewer more emotion, insight, and empathy. Finally, we have yet another "in-house editing" team of law enforcement officers putting the hours of footage together, which makes no sense at all. If you watch the Wonderland Murders police walk-through video from the 1980s, it's really boring despite the gruesome footage. The LAPD doesn't edit the video together to make it run quicker. Start asking yourself in the found footage cinematic universe, why would any law enforcement entity be doing this in the first place, much less releasing the footage that has nothing to do with the crimes itself?

I had heard about "Lucky Bastard" for a while, and it proved to be the disappointment I was expecting.

Stats:
(2014) 94 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Robert Nathan
-Written by Lukas Kendall and Robert Nathan
-Cast: Don McManus, Jay Paulson, Betsy Rue, Catherine Annette, Lee Kholafai, Lanny Joon, Clint Brink, Deborah Zoe, Angela Shin, Krystall Ellsworth, Mark Heenehan, Marissa Labog, Chase Woolner
(NC-17)-contains physical violence, gun violence, sexual violence, some gore, strong profanity, very strong nudity, very strong sexual content, very strong sexual references, strong adult situations, tobacco use

William S. Burroughs: Commissioner of Sewers (1991)

This bizarre video documentary from the 1980's threatens to be even more weird than the author.

Clocking in at under an hour, the film jumps back and forth between a black-and-white videotaped interview between Jurgen Ploog and Burroughs, and Burroughs at a reading, with some of his artwork projected behind him, and an overenthusiastic crowd projecting whoops and laughter in front of him. The most surprising aspect of the film is Ploog's interview with Burroughs. Ploog sidesteps the mundane questions I am sure Burroughs was asked a million times before- did you know the Beat movement would become a phenomenon? what was Jack Kerouac really like?- and focuses on the process of writing. It's like "Inside the Actors' Studio," for academics. Burroughs' readings are also entertaining. Among his revised ten commandments: don't blow pot smoke in your pet's face, and don't be such a sh*t that you don't know you are one. It is interesting to see the writer refer to words as organisms in the interviews, to push the film medium as the ultimate meeting of words, music, and visual stimulation, and this opens up a few art films Burroughs either wrote or starred in.

Burroughs is a difficult man to read and listen to, strictly because he sometimes tries to take his audience/reader further than they can comprehend. I watched this when I was reading his first book, a definitive version of "Junky" (which I didn't finish), which he did not start writing until he was 35- my age when I reviewed this. His advice to writers was taken from Sinclair Lewis- if you think what you have written is great, throw it out. A writer is the worst judge of his own work. The title of the film comes from a piece he wrote when given the question "when did you stop wanting to be President of the United States?" He wrote that he would rather be the commissioner of sewers for St. Louis. No political speeches, just a paying job with the power to run raw sewage through the lawns of enemies and the lazy. Sounds good to me.

William S. Burroughs sometimes reads like a very angry man. His readings make him seem more wise about the world than the rest of us. He travelled, took harsh amounts of illegal narcotics, came out as a homosexual, and shot his wife in the head during a drunken William Tell challenge, killing her. He sums up our existence with "life is a cut up." Take a magazine page, cut it up, put the pieces back together in a different order or arrangement, and read the text. It does sometimes make more sense than what the article writer meant- I tried this with lightweight entertainment magazines, and it was a hoot.

"William S. Burroughs: Commissioner of Sewers" is a strange work that does add to the writer's mystique. This is not a straight documentary, it did lose me once in a while, and I thought an hour was too little time to try and get to know this man. It is unbelievable that Burroughs lived into his 80's despite the life he led, and the things he did to his body. That kind of experience would be hard to find today in a mainstream author.

Stats:
(1991) 60 min. (8/10)
-Written and Directed by Klaus Maeck
-Featuring William S. Burroughs, Jurgen Ploog
(Not Rated)
Media Viewed: Home Video

The Wind (1986)

Greek director Nico Mastorakis gives us eighty minutes of solid suspense, then betrays his audience with a laughable climax.

Sian Anderson (Meg Foster) leaves boyfriend John (David McCallum) in Los Angeles and flies to a secluded island off Greece, using the isolation to write her next novel. Sian is no romance author, she pens violent murder mysteries. She rents a house from Elias (Robert Morley) and settles in, meeting her misfit neighbor and Elias' inadequate handyman Phil (Wings Hauser). Sian is warned to stay indoors at night, as the island experiences terrible windstorms on a daily basis. As she types away, Sian spots Phil burying something in the garden, and calls John, who is of little help half a planet away. Sian starts suspecting Phil of something more sinister than fixing leaky faucets, but her suspicions are excused as her violent imagination getting the best of her. The film turns into a game of cat and mouse between Phil and Sian, leading to a maddening finale.

This film made me mad. The director/co-writer had a neat thing going. Sian relies on her smarts to survive. Her talking to herself seems so natural, because she sounds like a reasonable human being. Phil flips out all at once, but Hauser does not turn him into an unstoppable killing machine. Steve Railsback's Kesner is so out of the blue, his fate is not expected, either. If Mastorakis had left out the last ten minutes of this film, he would have had a minor classic. Throwing in a bickering honeymoon couple added nothing to the film. The climactic showdown feels padded and does not work on any level. The wind effects are good, the gore works for what little of it there is, and Mastorakis' direction at times reminded me of European horror masters Soavi or Argento. Hans Zimmer adds a good musical score. If he had left well enough alone, I would have been thrilled.

"The Wind" blows itself out, leaving me disappointed. Stop the film after eighty minutes, and be happy. Continue it, and you'll agree with me.

Stats:
(1986) 92 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Nico Mastorakis
-Screenplay by Nico Mastorakis, Fred Perry, Story by Nico Mastorakis
-Cast: Meg Foster, Wings Hauser, David McCallum, Robert Morley, Steve Railsback, Mihalis Giannatos, Summer Thomas, John Michaels, Tracy Young, Dina Giannakou
(Not Rated)

The Wind (2001)

When you make a bad film called "The Wind," you invariably invite viewers to come up with their own jokes describing the offending product. "The Wind" reeks.

Clair (Carolyn Camburn) has a trio of college boys wrapped around her finger. There is studly jock John (Scott Parrish), nerdy Billy (Philipp Karner), and brooding Mic (Zeke Rippy). Clair accuses dumb guy Bob (Jim Thalman) of stalking her, and the boys decide to beat him up in the nearby woods, where Mic delivers a fatal blow to Bob's thick head. Clair is downright delighted about Bob, and wants to see the body. Bob's brother Earl (David Mikaels) wants to be the group's new amigo, and Clair and her boys begin to turn on each other as she begins to receive mysterious phone calls.

With an attractive cast in a cross between "Cruel Intentions" and "I Know What You Did Last Summer," screenwriters James Charbonneau and director Michael Mongillo should have had a tight suspenser on their hands. Instead, the three main male characters muddle together to the point where extra attention must be paid to tell them apart. Clair is easy on the eyes, but the viewer is not given good enough reasons why anyone would kill for her. The characters' ages were hard to pin down. Everyone lives with their parents, so I thought "badly cast high schoolers" until John mentions finishing college. Some of the dialogue sounds like a middle schooler's interpretation of a grown up script as clicheed speech is yelled and hissed by the cast. Couple this with a terrible opening involving a lot of wind metaphors that say little, and this begins sucking from the start. Mongillo's direction is alright, but any style he shows, like a nicely shot stunt jump into a lake, is overshadowed by the script. There are more people wandering around in the woods than at a comic convention, and did the easily identifiable scary voice on the phone just ask Clair if her refrigerator was running?

"The Wind" had promise, but eventually dies down to an unmemorable faint breeze- an ill wind indeed.

Stats:
(2001) 90 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Michael Mongillo
-Written by James Charbonneau, Michael Mongillo
-Cast: Carolyn Camburn, Scott Parrish, Philipp Karner, Zeke Rippy, Jim Thalman, David Mikaels, Joanna Bonaro
(R)

Wilderness (1996)

Dumping both the comedy of "An American Werewolf in London" and the surrealism of "The Company of Wolves," this made-for-television film starts with the basics: Alice thinks she is a werewolf.

Set in London, Alice (Amanda Ooms) has a nice safe job at the university library, and nice safe one night stands with strangers. Once a month, she locks herself in her basement and turns into a trapped wolf, or maybe not. Alice is seeing psychoanalyst Luther (Michael Kitchen), who is trying to help her without knowing her real concern about turning into a bloodthirsty predator. Alice begins opening her life up to others, and regretting it. Dan (Owen Teale), a penguin researcher, asks her on a date, and the two hit it off. Alice confesses her monthly nocturnal habits to Luther, who immediately dismisses them. Alice takes a chance on a night with a full moon and sleeps with Dan, but wakes up naked in her front yard and hears later that a security guard was killed, and a large dog spotted near the scene. Alice tells Luther that she has been turning into a wolf since she was thirteen and almost assaulted by a local farmhand, who was the wolf's first victim. At this point, the viewer might just agree with Luther- it's all in her head, so what's the point? From there, the film juggles a number of plotlines, all successfully.

For a television miniseries, the video version was trimmed of almost an hour, but the cuts are not noticeable. Ooms is a good actress, never playing Alice as a victim or idiot. Owen Teale's Dan is one of the most normal guys you will ever see in the movies. The film makers wisely did not make him an expert on werewolves (penguins?!), and Teale plays all the confusion you would feel, if your girlfriend came out as a werewolf, to the hilt. While Kitchen goes a little bonkers too quickly, he also does very well with a very interesting character. His final scenes are the only light moments in the film, his shrub trimming in the garden is a riot. Even the smaller role of Jane is done well by Gemma Jones, who is more concerned for the wolf than anyone but Alice. An attraction to Alice hastens the friendship between the two. While these characters are wonderful, the special effects are lacking. They consist of the mid-1990's morph technique, and never work well. Also, the climax is sad but protracted, a cut here or there may have tightened it up. Good stuff.

Stats:
(1996) 174 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Ben Bolt
-Written by Andrew Davies, Bernadette Davis, based on the novel by Dennis Danvers
-Cast: Amanda Ooms, Michael Kitchen, Gemma Jones, Owen Teale, Catherine Russell, Rupert Vansittart, Catherine Russell, Rosalind March, Mary Healey, Philip McGough, Brigitte Kahn, Mark Caven, Val Lehman
(R)

Wigstock: The Movie (1995)

Made in the mid 1990's, this film shows live performances and some behind-the-scenes footage of the giant New York City-based Wigstock festival, where gay and straight alike come decked out in flamboyant makeup and hair. An entertaining enough documentary, although for every good onstage number, there is an equal and opposite bad one.

The film opens with someone named Mistress Formika telling us that the media is brainwashing everyone into being Republicans, something any Republican in their right mind knows is not true, but wishes it were. The film is often a little confusing, showing and interchanging performances from 1993, which took place in a park, and 1994, which took place on a pier. I wonder why the film makers did this, were they short of watchable stuff they could show? Most of the drag queens here look like either Andy Dick or Divine. The musical numbers are another matter. Lypsinka (John Epperson) is so entertaining, they deserved their own film. On the other hand, the less said about the Wigstock Dancers, the better. I will have nightmares for months after Leigh Bowery's bizarre birth performance piece, the end credits dedicate the film to him, he died in 1994. The film also follows sometime actor and famous sibling Alexis Arquette getting ready for the celebration.

I am a huge electronic dance music fan, and the film makers wisely trot out great stuff by RuPaul, Deee-Lite, and Crystal Waters. Again, this is negated by some lip synch numbers that make MTV's old, limp "Say What Karaoke" show look like auditions at Carnegie Hall. The lack of primary direction the film makers show is also evident. I never got a sense about why the film was made. Gay pride? Backstage at a huge concert? The drag queen culture? All of these are hit upon, but never to the depth that might have made this more interesting. I am not sure if Wigstock is going on today, or if the same people are still involved. AIDS is brought up often, and Wigstock has lost many performers that we will never get to see strut their stuff onstage. If anything, I came away from this film with a perspective the film makers never dreamed would happen. The 1994 pier concert forced the performers to sing and dance while looking directly at the New York City skyline, and toward the end of the film, you can see the World Trade Center standing in its rightful place. Suddenly, all the advice these strange looking individuals are dishing out makes perfect sense: loosen up, have fun, and celebrate yourself, because as AIDS did then, and terrorism and war does now, we realize that no one is immortal.

For what it is, "Wigstock: The Movie" does succeed. It is funny that something this shallow and silly will have you questioning deeper societal problems.

Stats:
(1995) 85 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Barry Shils
-Featuring RuPaul, Deborah Harry, Alexis Arquette, John Epperson, Jackie Beat, Lee Kimble, Candis Cayne, Chloe Dzubilo, Crystal Waters, Clinton Leupp, Deee-Lite, Lady Miss Kier, Lee Bowery
(R)

The Who Rocks America 1982 (1983)

This decades-old concert was captured on video in order to preserve what was going to be The Who's final performance before they retired from touring. Of course, that did not happen, and some of us wish this tape did not happen, as well.

The concert film is shot on video in front of thousands of screaming fans in Toronto, Canada. I guess when they rocked America, The Who meant NORTH America. The concert lasts almost two hours, and the lads give it all they have- and that ain't much. The group includes Roger Daltrey on vocals and some guitar, Pete Townshend on guitar and some vocals, John Entwistle on bass and some vocals, Kenney Jones replaces Keith Moon on drums, and Tim Gorman is trapped behind a bank of keyboards.

The film opens with what can only be described as a lethargic version of "My Generation." "Can't Explain" follows, and the group looks tired and unprepared. "Dangerous" wanders all over the place, and I noticed the film suffers from a terrible sound mix, as Townshend's microphone seems to be set lower than the others'. On "Sister Disco," Townshend sings but Daltrey's trademark microphone throwing is way off. Director Namm cuts to Entwistle a lot as Roger chases his prop around the stage. Namm also has a habit of using then state-of-the-art video effects when things slow down, and they do nothing to enhance the viewing experience. "The Quiet One," written about Entwistle, is next and it has a bluesy feel to it that seems to wake everyone up. "It's Hard" finds Daltrey on guitar, and things definitely improve as they pound through "Eminence Front" and "Baba O'Reilly." And along came a spider...Entwistle proudly announces that "Boris the Spider" took just eight minutes to write- I doubt it was that long. The song is terrible, and the build-up to this point is quickly lost. "Drowned" is better, as Daltrey does some awesome harmonica playing. "Love Ain't for Keeping" is average, but Daltrey continues his streak with some decent guitar work. "Pinball Wizard/See Me, Feel Me" sounds good, but shots of Townshend indicate he is completely bored. The liveliest performance here, "Who Are You" is negated by more stupid special effects. Then comes what I can only refer to as "the cord incident."

On "Love Reign O'er Me," Daltrey gets his microphone cord tangled in Townshend's guitar amplifier cord. Daltrey is literally under Townshend's nose. He sings his bit of the song, then turns his back to the audience while furiously trying to untie the knot. I thought I was watching a deleted scene from "This is Spinal Tap." "Long Live Rock" gives Daltrey room to move, and suddenly the stage does not seem as large as before. "Won't Get Fooled Again" is good, but features some unintentional (?) feedback and a weird gallery of photographs from the old days of the group. The band says good night, and leave the stage. Interesting observations: someone gives Entwistle a cigarette right offstage. Later, when the group comes back for their encore, Entwistle is scratching his nose. This man had a well-known heart condition and his cocaine addiction triggered a fatal heart attack, just wondering why there was so much shock when he died. Entwistle always looked about twenty years older than his bandmates, and he looks terrible here. The nose scratching? Maybe he was just scratching... For the encore, the intimate song "Naked Eye" gets completely lost in such a big venue. "Squeezebox/Young Man Blues" is handled well, and Entwistle closes the show with the perennial "Twist and Shout."

For the final concert they would ever perform, this was a complete disappointment. This was the final night of the tour, so no pick-up shots could be done. Instead, the viewer must suffer through two hours of material that does not seem to interest the band. It took me three days to plow through the video, I was just as bored as The Who was. At one point, Townshend even comments that the audience has no idea what he is talking about. Terrible stage banter abounds. I do like some of the songs, and Namm's picture is clear and colorful. He does spot some of his other cameramen on certain occasions, and when in doubt he cuts to Entwistle a little too often, but for a live concert this is directed well enough.

The Who survived, and tour despite the deaths of Moon and Entwistle. Hopefully, this hard-to-find video will not serve as a reminder of better days, I think next time I will just watch "Tommy" instead.

Stats:
(1983) 118 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Richard Namm
-Featuring Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, Kenney Jones, Tim Gorman, The Who
(Not Rated)

Winter Nights (2009)

I really like most short films. It takes a special talent to get a story and characterization across in such a short span of time. At thirty-three minutes, "Winter Nights" provides little of this.

Megan (Ilana Kohanchi) kidnaps World War II veteran Colton (Tony Mathews) at gunpoint. He is sickly and frail, but still goes along with the crime. During the film's flashbacks, we see Megan dealing with some heavy issues in her life. She has broken up with fiance/hockey player Mickale (Alinur Goksel), and her grandmother Helen (Elaine Levin) is dying of cancer. As Megan and Colton come to like each other, Megan's kidnapping motive is revealed.

Kevin Y. Ling wrote and directed the short film. The title is one of many references to cold, along with characters' names and some peripheral situations. Ling does not follow through on these points, turning an already preposterous situation into a short soap opera that I quickly found tedious. Mathews and Levin are fine, even while delivering the clunky dialogue, and Guralnik actually gets better as the film goes along. Technically, the picture looks better than the sound plays. Ling's director of photography does a nice job, and the closing theme music is memorable. Ling could have either mined this for some dark comedic gold, or gone into a deadly serious Gothic drama.

Instead, the film cannot make up its mind, but I'm sorry to say I can. Go ahead and skip this cold "Winter Nights."

Stats:
(2009) 33 min. (4/10)
-Written and Directed by Kevin Y. Ling
-Cast: Ilana Kohanchi, Tony Mathews, Alinur Goksel, Elaine Levin, Beth Bemis, Jiin Liang, Chelsea Smith, Jason Archer, Allan Lazo, Adam Norcup
(Not Rated)

Wholly Moses! (1980)

In the sometimes questionable comedy vein of Mel Brooks, "Wholly Moses!" tries to take the Bible story of Moses and make fun of it, resulting in the unfunniest Biblical spoof ever filmed.

There is no real plot here, just excuses to trot out stalwart comedy talent in underwritten roles. Harvey (Dudley Moore) and Zoey (Laraine Newman) are on a bus tour of the Holy Land, when they stumble across an ancient scroll in a cave. There they read the story of Herschel and Zerelda, also played by Moore and Newman. Herschel's life parallels Moses'. He was sent down the river to be found by the pharaoh's family at the same time Moses was. Herschel's birth father, Hyssop (James Coco), becomes Herschel's slave after Herschel is rescued by idol makers and works as a sculptor. Eventually Herschel comes to work for the pharaoh as an astronomer, is banished, and ends up tending Moses' flock of sheep. Herschel and Moses are brothers-in-law, marrying sisters, and Herschel thinks God has chosen him to free his people in Egypt. Of course, Moses was receiving the Divine Word, but Herschel misunderstood. I'll pause here to laugh hysterically...pause...anyway, the rest of the film is a series of badly written scenes involving Moore and actors who are making "special appearances." These scenes do not propel the plot forward, they bring what little story there is to a grinding halt.

Jack Gilford plays a tailor. Dom DeLuise has maybe three lines when he meets Herschel in the desert. John Houseman is an archangel, giving the same line readings he gave in "The Paper Chase." David L. Lander is a fake blind man "healed" by Herschel. Andrea Martin is one of Zerelda's sisters. I was not sure who Madeline Kahn was supposed to be, she gives a ride to Herschel, and has about a minute and a half of screen time. John Ritter plays a very unfunny devil. Richard Pryor has one scene as the pharaoh, but it was obviously shot at a different time than Moore's scene because the two do not appear onscreen together. In the end, Zerelda turns into a pillar of salt after looking back on New Sodom's destruction, ha ha. Herschel writes the Ten Commandments, and gives them to Moses, who is basking in all the glory. In the final scenes, the screenwriter decide to try and salvage this shallow film by having Herschel bait God into an argument. God comes off as an all-powerful bully who was leading Herschel around for his own amusement, speaking through him only to give him the Ten Commandments. We even have Zerelda quip "God works in mysterious ways," thereby excusing everyone's un-Christian behavior during the film.

This film is not funny. There is nary a laugh to be found anywhere. At least Monty Python made fun of many established religious mainstays in "Life of Brian" in addition to their take on Jesus' life, but here the humor consists of poo-poo jokes and characters constantly bumping their heads. This makes Mel Brooks look like Merchant/Ivory. Churchgoers will be offended, not by the film's attitude toward religion, but by the smugness the movie exhibits, impressed with their own hoitytoityness (I know, not a word) on a subject they obviously know nothing about.

"Wholly Moses!" is wholly bad, and an embarrassment to all involved. I suggest you read the Book instead.

Stats:
(1981) 103 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Gary Weis
-Written by Guy Thomas
-Cast: Dudley Moore, Laraine Newman, James Coco, Paul Sand, Dom DeLuise, Jack Gilford, Madeline Kahn, Richard Pryor, John Ritter, David L. Lander, Andrea Martin, John Houseman, Richard B. Shull
(PG)

Whoever Says the Truth Shall Die (1981)

On November 2, 1975, film maker Pier Paolo Pasolini was brutally beaten, and then run over by a car, ending the life of an inconvenient thorn in the side of the powers-that-be in Italy.

Pasolini was born in 1922 to a rich military father who gambled away most of the family's money, and a vocally anti-fascist mother. Pasolini became a follower of Mussolini anyway, and published a volume of poetry during World War II. Things changed after the politically motivated murder of Pasolini's younger brother, and Pasolini turned into a Communist who longed for Italy's return to greatness as experienced in the Roman Empire and Renaissance eras. Pasolini began to teach high school. An open homosexual, he was acquitted of charges of having sex with his students, but was fired anyway. He became fascinated with the young slum boys of Rome, and the writings of political dissident Antonio Gramsci. Pasolini was a walking contradiction. He supported Communism but attacked conformity. He began writing novels and essays, eventually branching into film making with "Accattone," where he was assisted by a young Bernardo Bertolucci. Pasolini specialized in neorealism- realistic films about everyday people with epic characterizations, but soon entered mythic film making with such works as "The Gospel According to St. Matthew," "The Decameron," "Oedipus Rex," "The Canterbury Tales," and "Arabian Nights." Pasolini's prolific writing continued as well, making him the scourge of both the left and right wings of Italian political circles. Then came "Salo, or The 120 Days of Sodom." Pasolini turned people into objects to attack consumerism in this violent tale of torture. It was to be his last film, although his next project was about a modern day St. Paul in the United States. The investigation into Pasolini's death was hurried and sloppy. A seventeen year old male prostitute was sentenced to nine years in jail for the murder, even though no blood was found on the boy's clothes, and the Italian government chalked the incident up to just another homosexual who was into rough sex taking things a little too far.

Pier Paolo Pasolini is a difficult subject because of his innate Italian character. When I saw this documentary, I had seen three of his films: "Love Meetings" (a total bore about sexual behavior among Italian youths), "Teorema" (a sometimes tedious surrealistic exercise), and "The Canterbury Tales" (a confusing and confused adaptation). The readings of his poetry show a passionate patriot embroiled in good but dense imagery obsessed with a perceived downturn in Italian culture. English majors, think Robinson Jeffers writing urban and political verse. Pasolini was not a Lucio Fulci or a Ruggero Deodato, shooting "Salo" to excite and exploit, this is a man who slaved over his art and thoughts, publishing a book calling for the criminal prosecution of the ruling party at that time, with passages that make Michael Moore read like A.A. Milne.

The film itself is just an hour, a detriment to such a complex thinker. Although punctuated with gory death photos of Pasolini, the viewer must do their own detective work about what happened that night decades ago. "Salo" was not the end-all-be-all of Pier Paolo Pasolini's life. He had plenty more to say, but not enough time to say it. The accused male prostitute recanted his story and the case was reopened. Too late for a unique film maker, artist, and writer.

"Whoever Says the Truth Shall Die" does do a good job introducing Pasolini to many, whether we should heed his warning that all truth opens a writer to danger and death falls squarely on the viewer.

Stats:
(1981) 60 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Philo Bregstein
-Featuring Pier Paolo Pasolini, Alberto Moravia, Laura Betti, Maria Antonietta Macciocchi, Bernardo Bertolucci, Nino Marazzita
(Unrated)

White Tiger (1996)

Stop me if you have heard this one before: Mike (Gary Daniels) and John (Matt Craven) are DEA agents out on a weekend off with John's picture perfect wife and son (stop). They are called in early to bust a drug operation (stop!). John is killed (STOP!). Mike seeks vengeance...yeah, you have heard this one before.

The main villain, Victor (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) has created a new synthetic drug that is more addictive that anything on the streets now, as most movie synthetic drugs are. Victor is eliminating the competition, while Mike is following him and putting up with a corrupt Seattle cop force who are in Victor's pocket. Mike meets Jade (Julia Nickson), the mysterious woman who seems to be playing on both sides of the law. The inevitable investigation and fiery climax arrive at their appointed times, feel free to unbuckle your seatbelt and move about your living room.

I am mad at "White Tiger." Four people are credited with the screenplay and story, when in fact the basic plot is older that the hills, and has even been spoofed in the "Naked Gun" films. The fact that no one seems to realize this, and plays their parts so seriously, frustrated me. Come on, we have the thought-dead villain miraculously jumping back to life? Mike at one point says the eternal line "he killed my partner"? Victor is a "funny" villain who has a one-liner for every violent occasion? We get the obligatory sex scene between Jade and Mike complete with new age music and artsy camera angles? There is not one plot point or character that you have not seen in any other action film before- so why the slight recommendation? Simple- everything else but the script worked for me. While director Martin overdoes the "slow motion flames" shots, his action scenes are very sure of themselves. The editing is crisp and clean, not wasting a camera angle, and the cinematography- this was shot in Vancouver, British Columbia- is professional and takes advantage of the scenery.

Daniels is a little stiff in some of the dialogue scenes, but he had male model looks and could kick butt with the best of any major action star on the big screen back then. Nickson is given a thankless role but does her best with it. Tagawa plays a great villain, he is sometimes the only good thing in the films he ends up in. His last drugged out scenes with Nickson are just plain weird. Matt Craven, playing this movie's equivalent of "Hot Shots!"'s Dead Meat, registered nothing with me.

I can barely recommend "White Tiger," but I found enough to keep this from being a complete mess. Martial arts action films are hard enough to pull off successfully, and the cast and crew here were let down by a loser script.

Stats:
(1996) 93 min. (5/10)
-Directed by Richard Martin
-Screenplay by Dan Woodman & Gordon Melbourne & Roy Sallows, Original Story by Bey Logan
-Cast: Gary Daniels, Matt Craven, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Julia Nickson, Lisa Langlois, George Cheung, Philip Granger, Frank Cassini, John Cassini, J. Max Kirishima, Dana Lee, Ben Immanuel, Michael David Simms
(R)

While You Were Sleeping (1995)

It's ironic that a romantic comedy about a woman in love with a man in a coma only comes to life after the guy wakes up.

Lucy (Sandra Bullock) is a lonely clerk for the Chicago Transit Authority. She pines after handsome Peter (Peter Gallagher), a train passenger she's never spoken with. Peter almost gets hit by a train after falling on the tracks, Lucy saves him, and follows him to the hospital. After Lucy professes her unrequited love to the now comatose Peter, a nurse overhears her and assumes she is his fiancee. Peter's large family also believes the mistake, and Lucy follows along so as not to shock the weak heart of Peter's grandmother Elsie (the always wonderful Glynis Johns). Lucy is accepted by Peter's parents (Micole Mercurio, and Peter Boyle- field testing his Frank character from "Everybody Loves Raymond"), little sister Mary (a barely noticeable Monica Keena), family friend Sol (Jack Warden), and skeptical brother Jack (Bill Pullman). Lucy joins the family for Christmas, lucking her way through her pretend relationship with Peter. She finds herself drawn to Jack, Lucy's boss Jerry (the underrated Jason Bernard) and Sol know the truth, and then one day Peter wakes up- that's when the complications and laughs increase.

"While You Were Sleeping" drove me crazy, and not in a good way. Bullock is good, but she was a more effective ugly duckling in the otherwise laughless "Love Potion #9," she crinkles her nose and squints her eyes more than Meg Ryan caught in headlights. Bill Pullman is so laid back as Jack, he elicits a yawn every time he appears onscreen. Ally Walker isn't brought out until near the end as Peter's real girlfriend, and she's funny. Likewise with Gallagher. When Peter wakes up, he begins reevaluating his life with Lucy, a woman he's never met, and his self-observations are great. Not funny is the hour or so of running time the viewer must suffer through waiting for Peter to wake up. The film is so bland: there is no edge, no screwball comedy, just Bullock crinkling and squinting, while Pullman squints and crinkles right back. They slip and fall in the snow while the non-stop Randy Edelman crappy jank musical score constantly reminds us how quirky and funny this was. There is a subplot about the family thinking Lucy is pregnant, but that is dropped faster than you can sneeze. Landlord's son Joe Jr.'s (Michael Rispoli) pursuit of Lucy is so badly written it had to have been lifted from an episode of ABC's old TGIF lineup. Even after Peter wakes, things are funnier, but not at their funniest.

Sure, the title begs to be mocked, but "While You Were Sleeping" did seal Bullock's megastar status, opening the door to such work as "Speed 2: Cruise Control"- okay, now I'm angry with this film.

Stats:
(1995) 103 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Jon Turteltaub
-Written by Daniel G. Sullivan & Fred Lebow
-Cast: Sandra Bullock, Bill Pullman, Peter Gallagher, Micole Mercurio, Peter Boyle, Monica Keena, Jack Warden, Glynis Johns, Jason Bernard, Michael Rispoli, Ally Walker, Ruth Rudnick, Marcia Wright
(PG)

Wise Guys (1986)

Brian De Palma is not the first director you would think of to helm a slapstick-laden comedy about the mob, but he gives George Gallo's first produced screenplay a try, and succeeds for the most part.

Best friends Harry (Danny DeVito) and Moe (Joe Piscopo) are low-level Mafia operatives working for Tony Castelo (Dan Hedaya). How low-level are they? They run around Newark taking care of his grocery lists and dry cleaning, and the other henchmen take bets on whether they will survive starting Castelo's luxury car. The duo is entrusted to place a twenty-five thousand dollar bet at a horse track, but decide to put it on another horse instead. They lose, costing Castelo a quarter of a million dollar windfall. Castelo decides to teach them a lesson, and takes out a contract on the men- but with Moe hired to kill Harry, and Harry hired to kill Moe. Normally, the laughs would start there, but Gallo throws in a trip to Atlantic City and a few scenes with Bobby (Harvey Keitel), one of Harry and Moe's friends from the past. Harry works hard trying to come up with the money to get things right with Castelo, and Bobby sees an opportunity as well.

De Palma's direction has always been a little intense, so his take on the comedy genre is interesting. The humor can be dark, and De Palma handles it well. Ira Newborn's musical score is awesome, when not drifting into 1980's synthesizer territory, and the grimy New Jersey locale works. Gallo does telegraph a lot of jokes, I could see the punchline in the men's room scene from a mile away, and he sometimes doesn't seem to trust his original plot enough to stick with two dumb guys trying to kill each other. The funniest performance comes from the unlikeliest actor- Captain Lou Albano was best known for his professional wrestling appearances, and roles in Cyndi Lauper music videos. He is unrecognizable as foul-mouthed killer The Fixer, and he should have scored an Oscar nomination for Supporting Actor. The screen lights up every time he is on, and he had me laughing. DeVito tries to get the film going, since Piscopo can't rely on the "Saturday Night Live" impressions that made him famous. Moe mostly squeals after Harry, and gets lost in the cinematic shuffle. Ray Sharkey is given a thankless role as a bartender, his scene in the church goes on way too long.

"Wise Guys" is not a perfect comedy, but it does the job.

Stats:
(1986) 100 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Brian De Palma
-Written by George Gallo
-Cast: Danny DeVito, Joe Piscopo, Harvey Keitel, Dan Hedaya, Lou Albano, Ray Sharkey, Julie Bovasso, Patti LuPone, Antonia Rey, Mimi Cecchini, Frank Vincent, Anthony Holland, Matthew Kaye
(R)

Wish Me Luck (1995)

Desperation. Sometimes film makers will go to extreme lengths to lure an audience. For some, wacky gadgets and mock insurance policies pull the crowds in. For others, a good script and capable performers are enough. To make sure the audience pays full attention to the opening and closing credits of "Wish Me Luck," the director went with his cast's only strength- bare breasts.

Playboy Playmate Avalon Anders is Jeannie, an actual genie sent to a community college on Earth to help nerdy Henry (Zen Gesner) find his manhood so she won't become the slave of the evil Slag (Tom Kane)- this is so lame. Henry can't sleep with Jeannie because he is in love with Rachael (Christine Harte). He is also bullied around the campus by Eddie (David Sobel) and his gang. Jeannie only has two days before becoming enslaved, and Henry is beyond helpless- I've got to stop this review and pull over to the side of the information highway- I need to vomit, the headache is so bad.

While the VHS video box cover pushes this as a raunchy teen sex comedy, I am pressed to remember anyone in the cast looking younger than twenty-five- and they are portraying community college students. The special effects are cutting edge 1995 technology if you had no special effects budget. The cringe factor is very high, and while there is such a thing as comic timing, you wouldn't know it from watching this exercise in stiltedness. The film is padded with some fantasy softcore sex scenes, and apparently everyone at Oak Valley Community College fantasizes about sex in the exact same stained glass bedroom. The comedy not only "does not work," it is "painful to watch." Finally, Avalon Anders. She can't act, and displays her physical assets constantly. The topless dancing during the credits is so sad and so pathetic, I felt bad for her. Stay tuned through the closing credits, where our wacky film makers go all "Airplane!" on us and throw in wild and crazy stuff like a cookie recipe, fake second unit credits from Bora Bora, and then thank Martin Scorsese and "Stephen" Spielberg- I'd like to thank them as well, for creating better films.

Don't confuse "Wish Me Luck" with the Lindsay Lohan disaster "Just My Luck"...then again, do. It couldn't be any worse than this.

Stats:
(1995) 91 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Philip J. Jones
-Cast: Avalon Anders, Zen Gesner, Tom Kane, Christine Harte, David Sobel, Stephanie Champlin, Raymond Storti, Bethenny Frankel, Adam Rocke, Alex Cohen, David Jean Thomas, James Reason, Gloria Pryor
(Unrated)

Witchboard (1986)

This 1986 film is more infamous for Tawny Kitaen's brief shower scene than anything else, and believe me, you must sit through a lot in order to see it.

Kitaen is Linda, a bubble-headed college student who lives with current jerk boyfriend Jim (Todd Allen). During a party, former jerk boyfriend Brandon (Stephen Nichols) makes an appearance sporting a Ouija board ("it's pronounced 'wee-juh'"). He makes contact with his guide spirit David, a dead ten year old boy. Except there is another EVIL spirit in the board, and it quickly shunts helpful David aside. Linda begins using the Ouija board alone, a big no-no, and one of Jim's construction worker buddies is killed in an on site "accident." This peaks the interest of jerk homicide detective Dewhurst (Burke Byrnes), who questions Jim's connection to the death. As Linda begins showing all the signs of spirit possession, she thinks she is pregnant, Brandon suspects the worst and calls in a medium named Zarabeth (Kathleen Wilhoite), and the final showdown combines the aforementioned shower scene, some lousy special effects, and Dewhurst's laughable attempt to help out the good guys.

Kathleen Wilhoite brings in the film's only levity, cracking psychic jokes and brightening the film. Director/writer Tenney's script is more ambitious than his direction. In one scene, a character is chased by a camera's point-of-view, and you catch the cameraman's shadow on three different occasions. Tenney uses zoom and fish eye lenses ad nauseum, and may rival Kubrick in the sheer number of steadicam shots allowed in one film. The gore is pretty mild compared to other horror films of the 1980's, and this may be budgetary. Jim, Brandon, and Dewhurst are all morons. Tenney makes them so unlikable, when one of them gets a hatchet to the head, I almost stood and cheered. Jim and Brandon harbor deep seated resentment over Linda, yet bicker and argue as if Jim stole Brandon's last beer, not the love of their respective petty lives. Dewhurst's preoccupation with magic may have been meant as characterization, but it does not work as anything more than an annoyance. Linda comes off as an airhead, Kitaen's valiant attempt at acting evil in the finale is bad. Throw in TV icon Rose Marie in an unnecessary role as a landlady, and Tenney proves his contempt for both his characters and the actors who must play them. The final end credits song, "Bump in the Night," may have you running from your living room, screaming.

"Witchboard" spawned two bad sequels. I am afraid, very afraid, I cannot recommend this silly venture.

Stats:
(1986) 98 min. (2/10)
-Written and Directed by Kevin Tenney
-Cast: Tawny Kitaen, Todd Allen, Stephen Nichols, Kathleen Wilhoite, Burke Byrnes, James W. Quinn, Rose Marie, Judy Tatum, Gloria Hayes, J.P. Luebsen, Susan Nickerson, Ryan Carroll, Kenny Rhodes
(R)

Witchboard 2 (1993)

Not letting a good idea die once, Kevin Tenney extends his Ouija board fetish into yet another mediocre horror outing. If you missed the first film, do not worry, these films are not connected.

Ami Dolenz is Paige, an accountant who longs to be an artist. Paige moves into a loft in a building run by burnt-out hippie Elaine (Laraine Newman) and lecherous Jonas (Christopher Michael Moore). Paige is also escaping the clutches of her overbearing cop ex-boyfriend Mitch (Timothy Gibbs). The first day there, while unpacking, Paige comes across a Ouija board in a closet, and immediately begins using it. She also immediately comes into contact with a spirit named Susan, who used to live in the same loft apartment. Susan keeps claiming she was murdered, yet angry Mitch cannot seem to find any death record. Jonas and Elaine's nephew, Russell (John Gatins), takes a liking to Paige. He asks her to pose for him, just like he asked Susan to. Paige agrees, as her personality begins to change. As we remember from the first film, if you crank up the ol' Ouija on your own, weird things start to happen. Paige turns a little naughty, cussing at coworkers and calling in sick. She starts dressing a little more provocatively and becomes her own independent person. A character is killed in a freakish boiler accident, and Susan keeps leaving clues on the Ouija. Apparently spirits are not the best spellers, and Russell and Paige must decipher Susan's cryptic words. As Russell begins begging off the case, Mitch wants to help Paige and get back in to her good graces.

Dolenz's acting suffers because Tenney changes her too quickly. In one scene she is sugar and spice, in the next she is wearing short-shorts and a halter top into the woods to dig up a body. Gibbs as Mitch is ruggedly handsome and should be doing more than this type of stuff. Gatins has broken into screenwriting and he is a little too eager to play the red herring here. Julie Michaels is okay as Susan, until Tenney begins giving her "funny" lines and puns toward the end, ruining any menace she musters. Laraine Newman is so embarassing as hippie Elaine, I felt bad that this is where this talented comedienne's career has ended up. Tenney has an annoying habit that he did not show in the first "Witchboard" film- he has Paige read every letter of every Ouija reading, and announcing the word at the end. Can the audience not spell? If you ask a spirit how it died and it begins to spell M-U-R-D-, does anyone out there doubt it is going for "MURDer?" Tenney's direction is better here, he works his budget around to highlight some decent effects and a fantastic action scene involving the brakes going out on a car. His script is lousy, and the cast seems to sense it. Tenney sets up Paige's work scenario, where she is up for a promotion, but he never tells us what happens with the new job or the coworker she yells at.

In the end, "Witchboard 2" is exactly on par with "Witchboard." This means I had the same recommendation as the first film- none. Sometimes known with the subtitle "The Devil's Doorway"...which really describes nothing in the film, as well.

Stats:
(1993) 98 min. (2/10)
-Written and Directed by Kevin Tenney
-Cast: Ami Dolenz, Christopher Michael Moore, Laraine Newman, Timothy Gibbs, John Gatins, Julie Michaels, Sarah Kaite Coughlan, Marvin Kaplan, Jeff Feringa, Todd Allen, Kenny Rhodes, Patrick Josten, Raemone Sequiera
(R)

Witchboard III: The Possession (1995)

Ouija-nator Kevin Tenney hands over the directorial reins and takes a co-writer credit in this lousy film.

If you have not seen the first two entries, don't worry, this film has nothing to do with them. Brian (David Nerman) is a recently fired stock broker. He and his beautiful wife Julie (Elizabeth Lambert) move into an apartment in a gothic building in order to save costs while Brian job hunts. Immediately, he meets eccentric landlord Francis (Cedric Smith), who has a strange collection of fertility artifacts and a fascination with the Ouija. He confides to Brian that he made his money by consulting the board on commodities purchases. Brian dabbles, makes some scratch, and is hooked on the nice old man. We find out Julie is a cultural anthropology professor and has best friend Lisa (Donna Sarrasin) to confide in. One pleasant afternoon, Francis gives Brian an old ring, tells him he always wanted children, then throws himself off a balcony, impaling himself on an ornate gateway. At his funeral, Francis' crazy ex-wife bursts in and desecrates the corpse to "make sure he is dead." Brian steals the Ouija board and borrows money from a shady money launderer for his next Ouija-inspired purchase. He thinks the board is wrong, and cannot pay the man back. More murders and demonic possessions follow, resulting in some questionable special effects and a goofy finale.

As with the other "Witchboard" films, the cast tries to work material that is not there- too many questions remain. The main villain is a demon, but not much more is given about who he is or where he came from. Julie is an anthropology professor, but this knowledge adds nothing to the plot. She recognizes some of the dead landlord's pieces, but that is all. The only previous knowledge that helps her defeat the villain involves an allergy to shrimp- don't ask. Svatek's cinematography is mostly earth hues, setting off the bloody scenes. He also must rely on some really cheesy computer animated effects like morphing, and reverse filming. A butterfly collection attack probably looked great on paper, but the budget is not there to make it convincing to the audience. The Ouija board is the best looking of the series, black and gothic.

All in all, this entry is the worst of the three films, and I do not recommend "Witchboard III: The Possession." Also known as "Witchboard: The Possession"

Stats:
(1995) 93 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Peter Svatek
-Screenplay by Kevin Tenney and Jon Ezrine, Story by Jon Ezrine
-Cast: David Nerman, Elizabeth Lambert, Cedric Smith, Donna Sarrasin, Danette Mackay, Thick Wilson, Richard Zeman, Bernard Bourgault, Renee Madeline Le Guerrier, Cas Anvar, Glenn Painter, Gwen Tolbart, John Sanford Moore
(R)

Without Destination (Sin Destino) (2002)

This Mexican film treads familiar ground as it shows us what a street kid will do to survive in the big bad city.

Francisco (Francisco Rey) is a not-too-bright homeless teen who owes drug money to his best friend and dealer David (David Valdez). Francisco is quite the troubled young man, having nightmarish flashbacks to being nine years old, photographed, and assaulted by a creepy old man named Sebastian (Roberto Cobo). David tries to get Francisco to stop trading sex for drugs, and sets him up with prostitute Perla (Sylvia Vilchis). Francisco reluctantly sleeps with her, and freaks out. He is practicing for his ideal love, Angelica (Mariana Gaja). David decides to give Francisco a drug to make Angelica horny, and Francisco finds himself at Sebastian's mercy again, trying to raise money for the drug. This time around, Francisco's encounter with Sebastian is far more harrowing.

Despite a very good acting job by the cast, this left me cold. The gritty, grimy, sleazy world of violent street youth has been done, from the classic "Pixote" to the heartbreaking "Streetwise" to the lousy "Havoc," with many other examples in between. Writer/director Laborde gave me no reason to care about the cast and their predicament. While it is sad that Francisco was snatched off the streets as a child, background about his character is lacking. I wanted to know how he got there, and what happened to his parents. What was David's story? The very unsatisfying ending added to my frustration. On the other hand, like "Pixote," the inexperienced cast, and the veteran Cobo, is brilliant. The film is shot in appropriately grainy black and white, with Francisco's dreams and hallucinations shot in appropriately grainy color. The film is low budget, looks low budget, and its authentic impoverished Mexican locations work.

"Without Destination" has the look and film festival pedigree of a work that should not be ignored. The problem is we are bombarded with the same message movies year after year, and this film brings nothing new to the table. Also known by its Spanish title: "Sin Destino"

Stats:
(2002) 97 min. (6/10)
-Written and Directed by Leopoldo Laborde
-Cast: Roberto Cobo, Francisco Rey, David Valdez, Sylvia Vilchis, Mariana Gaja, Jose Luis Badillo, Roberto Trujillo, Arturo Ramirez, Claudio Guaneros, Malenski Ruiz
(Not Rated)

Woman of Desire (1994)

Bo Derek appears in this film noir wannabe. A nude Jack (Jeff Fahey) is found washed up on the beach at about the same time Christina (Bo Derek) is at the hospital, telling of a night of assault and murder. According to Christina, Jack was captaining Ted's (Steven Bauer) yacht when the two fought. Jack shot Ted and tossed him overboard, and his body is missing. Jack assaulted Christina, and a storm tossed Jack and Christina overboard- things don't look good for Jack. The smartest thing Jack does in the entire film is call his old lawyer friend Walter (Robert Mitchum). Walter goes "Matlock" on the cast, investigating Christina's past while trying to get the truth out of a reluctant Jack. Jack is still in love with Christina, who has taken up with Ted's conveniently identical twin brother Jonathan (also Steven Bauer), and Jack keeps believing he and Christina will be together. Without a body or murder weapon, the truth is finally able to come out at an eventful preliminary hearing.

While Derek is very easy on the eyes, her acting ability is subpar. Christina is the title character, a woman of desire any man would kill for. Instead, Derek gives her no edge- she's a blank. This major flaw hurts the character of Jack. Instead of being obsessed and showing poor judgement when it comes to Christina, Jack comes off as a flaky idiot. A film's hero should not be a flaky idiot unless the film is a comedy, or "Body Heat." Mitchum comes off best, his Walter character is smart, and he gets just as frustrated with Jack as the viewer does. The film did have me interested until almost half way through, when I got tired of being patronized by the screenplay. Ginty's direction is adequate, and the South African locations are different, but after Jack's fourth or fifth blue-tinged flashback to the fatal night, and yet another shot of Derek's nude body, I just wanted the predictable conclusion to proceed.

The film makers play cute with the characters' last names, giving them the same monikers as famous film directors. This only reminds you that better films are out there, and "Woman of Desire" leaves you wanting to watch one of those instead.

Stats:
(1994) 97 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Robert Ginty
-Written by Anthony Palmer
-Cast: Bo Derek, Jeff Fahey, Steven Bauer, Robert Mitchum, Thomas Hall, John Matshikiza, Warrick Grier, Todd Jensen, Michael McCabe, John Carson, Peter Holden, Ellia Thompson, James Whyle
(R)

The Worst of Faces of Death (1987)

A Dr. Louis Flellus introduces the video and proclaims Dr. Frances B. Gross (Michael Carr), the narrator of the Faces of Death series, has died during a surgery Flellus was performing. Flellus decides to continue the study of death that his colleague started, and appears throughout the video to talk about the different segments. Gross' voice can be heard narrating the grainy death footage. I cannot believe I just typed that last paragraph with a straight face.

The viewer is then assaulted with images of autopsies and other filmed footage associated with death. The problem is only part of this footage is authentic. Most of the film consists of terrible reenactments that make "Amityville Vibrator" look like an Avengers movie. The first reenactment involves a bear attack that was captured by two different cameramen simultaneously. From there, fake shootings and fake suicides abound. One clip has a man jumping off a six story building. Watching that mannequin plunge to its eternal disrepair made me chortle.

This does feature real violent footage as well, mostly some explicit news footage and lots of animal slaughtering. This is all very real and very gross, but the reenactments were still at the back of my mind. How can someone review something like "The Worst of Faces of Death"? Looking at it as a documentary, it is a failure and a lie. The film never purports to contains one hundred percent authentic footage, but it is assumed. Looking at it as a weird experiment in fiction, it is a total failure. The reenactments are so badly acted and directed, anyone who thinks they are real has led a very sheltered life. The "funny" footage with the doctor is also lowbrow and stupid. So, this greatest hits of the stupefying successful video series is awful. Awful as documentary, awful as fiction, and awful as a film.

Stats:
(1987) 60 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by John Alan Schwartz
-Featuring Michael Carr
(Unrated)

Wrecked (2009)

I've said it before, and I will say it again- if you are a film maker, and can find actors who will do ANYTHING onscreen, including hardcore explicit sex, then why won't you give them a script that will serve as something more than an excuse to break out endless explicit shots?

Ryan (Theo Montgomery) is a young wannabe actor. He has landed his first part in a play, but his happiness is short-lived as former boyfriend Daniel (Benji Crisnis) shows up. Daniel is a drug addict, but Ryan takes him in (again) anyway, hoping to change him since he won't change himself. Daniel immediately goes back to his old habits, including introducing Taylor (Forth Richards) into the relationship. Ryan's life begins to spiral downward, and the film ends with a scene you could predict before you even popped the disc in the DVD player.

The three leads get nude, often. The Shumanski brothers wallow in Ryan's filthy world; you can almost smell the stale cigarette butts and warm wine in his squalid little house. However, the Shumanskis let their willing cast down. Some of the scenes are obviously improvised, and watching the young cast try to smoke and talk like adults before shedding their underwear is embarrassing to sit through. I began to mistake Ryan's constant naivete for a mental deficiency as Daniel goes through his drug addict and casual sex routine and elicits only tsk-ing and rolled eyes from the viewer. The direction is sloppy- you can spot a cameraman in a mirror in one scene, and dates on cell phones never jibe, the editing is fair, and the music makes no impression whatsoever. The Shumanskis pad the film with unnecessary shots of the dudes waking up, getting their bearings, and dressing. The only scenes that almost work are Ryan's play rehearsals. The play, as presented to the viewer, is a disaster. The director obviously wants to take Ryan to bed, his chain-smoking assistant hates the world, and one of his co-stars is a Brando wannabe who must stretch and do annoying preparation for this piece of garbage he is "starring" in. Trust me, I have some theater background, and a lot of this is dead-on. Plus, these scenes provide a break from all the cocaine snorting and gay sex.

"Wrecked" joins the sad list of sexually explicit films that fail because of the script and direction, and not the sex. Move over, "9 Songs," "Shortbus," and almost everything Larry Clark has ever done, "Wrecked" and its truth-in-advertising title is here.

Stats:
(2009) 73 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Bernard Shumanski and Harry Shumanski
-Cast: Forth Richards, Benji Crisnis, Theo Montgomery, Womack Daryl, Peter Petersen, Beatrice Carina, Heidi Blissenbach, Garett Dragovitz, Jake Casey
(Unrated)

WrestleMassacre (2018)

"WrestleMassacre" seems like two different films, with the two main storylines coming together in the last hour.

Randy (Richie Acevedo) is a down-on-his-luck son of a former professional wrestler (Josip Peruzovic) who does landscaping for a living and pines after Becky (Rosanna Nelson). Becky is attached to Owen (Julio Bana Fernandez), who owes loan sharks thousands of dollars. Randy decides to better himself, and win Becky, by becoming a professional wrestler. Things don't work out as planned, as everyone around him dumps on his dreams. In the meantime, Becky's brother Shawn (Rene Dupree) has problems of his own as he watches Becky constantly drink in an effort to deal with odious Owen. Finally, thanks to some very odd dreams and hallucinations via cable television, Randy decides to take revenge on everyone who has wronged him in brutal and gory ways.

Leading man Acevedo certainly looks the part, a very uncommon casting decision for the lead. The entire cast is populated with professional wrestlers apparently (I don't follow that world- isn't that what Hulk Hogan used to do?), and the viewer gets a mix of performances from awful to campy fun. The gore effects are pretty fantastic, as Randy is able to rip limbs off of his helpless victims in a single pull. There is plenty of nudity here, but the story does lag from time to time as we wait for Randy to finally do his thing. Often, Owen's storyline was more interesting, I thought some tweaking and editing might help. I'm not sure what the opening segment meant, I'm never one to complain about Cayt Feinics onscreen, and she has a heck of an entrance. I think Randy might be able to appear in some sequels, if the film makers can get the money, and wrestling cameos, together.

Of the non-mainstream-screw-Hollywood films I have watched recently, "WrestleMassacre" is one of the strongest, despite its flaws. Also known by a two word title- "Wrestle Massacre."

Stats:
(2018) 100 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Brad Twigg
-Written by Alan B. McElroy
-Cast: Richie Acevedo, Rene Dupree, Nikolai Volkoff, Tony Atlas, Jimmy Valiant, Cayt Feinics, Josip Peruzovic, Rosanna Nelson, Julio Bana Fernandez
(Unrated)- contains very strong physical violence, some gun violence, mild sexual violence, very strong gore, strong profanity, female nudity, some sexual content, sexual references, strong adult situations, alcohol use

Wrong Turn (2003)

This typical slasher flick has polite and sullen Chris (Desmond Harrington) sidetracked in backwoods West Virginia after a truck jacknifes on the highway. He gets lost, and accidentally rams his beautiful Mustang into a car belonging to half a dozen campers. Everybody is shaken up, and Chris, recently-broke-up-with-boyfriend Jessie (Eliza Dushku), sincere Scott (Jeremy Sisto) and Scott's fiancee Carly (Emmanuelle Chriqui) head off to find help, leaving their two friends Evan (Kevin Zegers) and Francine (Lindy Booth) with the wreck. The foursome come upon a backwoods house full of stuff taken from other stranded motorists. The house's occupants come home, and begin to hunt the group for food.

Stan Winston produced and provided some appropriately icky makeup for the trio of cannibals. It is neat, unless you ever saw the "Home" episode on "The X Files." Even mentioning the comparisons "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Deliverance" to this film just allows the viewer to realize this is not going to be anything you have not seen before. I enjoyed when director Schmidt would break out of the slasher mold once in a while with a unique camera move. The characters are not overly stupid, unlike most slasher film victims, and the musical score and opening title sequences are appropriate. The gore effects are great, and the set decoration for the cannibals' house is disgusting.

"Wrong Turn" is kind enough to set itself up for many sequels and a remake/reboot, and I could not bring myself to completely hate the film. It is eventually forgettable, but with a couple of good shots.

Stats:
(2003) 84 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Rob Schmidt
-Written by Alan B. McElroy
-Cast: Desmond Harrington, Eliza Dushku, Jeremy Sisto, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Kevin Zegers, Lindy Booth, Julian Richings, Garry Robbins, Ted Clark, Yvonne Gaudry, Joel Harris, David Huband, Wayne Robson
(R)- Strong physical violence, some gun violence, gore, profanity, very brief sexual content, sexual references, strong adult situations, drug and tobacco use

The Year That Trembled (2002)

Based on a novel by Scott Lax that I was not familiar with, "The Year That Trembled" takes twelve months in the lives of Vietnam-era Ohioans and turns it into a very special episode of "American Dreams."

Jonathan Brandis is sullen but idealistic writer Casey, secretly in love with his recently fired idealistic teacher Helen (Marin Hinkle). Helen is married to idealistic law clerk Charlie (Jonathan M. Woodward), who is involved in some sort of lawsuit concerning the 1970 Kent State shootings. Idealistic Judy (Meredith Monroe) and FBI undercover agent Isaac (Jay R. Ferguson) are busy protesting the draft, which will soon affect Charlie, Casey, and a stoner named Hairball (Charlie Finn), who has no idealistic ideas.

I have at least half a dozen other characters' names written down in my notes, from the token minority who worships both Buddha and Jimi Hendrix to that little girl from "The Wonder Years" all grown up. Therein lies the major malfunction of the film. Screenwriter/director Craven tries so hard to cram everything in, the viewer is overwhelmed, especially when the movie feels like a bunch of outtakes glued together to make a story. Casey is a writer, the title comes from Walt Whitman, but what does Casey write? Much lawsuit talk is bandied about, but you would need a J.D. degree to understand just what is going on. I thought I was going to have to break out a flow chart to keep track of everyone. Having former child actors and some comedians (Fred Willard, Martin Mull, Henry Gibson) in such a heavy-handed drama feels a lot like stunt casting. I thought two blonde characters, Jennifer (Kiera Chaplin) and Judy, were the same person for close to ten minutes of the film's running time.

"The Year That Trembled"'s heart is in the right place, and the film almost comes to life when one major character is actually sent to Vietnam. However, when a film trudges along under its own moral outrage, without getting the viewer to feel empathy, it fails.

Stats:
(2002) 104 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Jay Craven
-Screenplay by Jay Craven, Additional Writing by Hathalee Higgs, based on the novel by Scott Lax
-Cast: Jonathan Brandis, Marin Hinkle, Jonathan M. Woodward, Meredith Monroe, Jay R. Ferguson, Charlie Finn, Fred Willard, Martin Mull, Henry Gibson, Matt Salinger, Danica McKellar, Erik Jensen, Sascha Stanton Craven
(R)

Yellowstone (1936)

Do you remember when the Brady Bunch went to Hawaii, or Knott's Berry Farm? Or how about other sitcom family's trips to one of the Disney theme parks? The episodes were never very funny compared to the rest of the studio bound series, and mostly served as an infomercial for the location visited. I believe "Yellowstone" may have started the trend way back in 1936.

The pornographic-sounding Dick Sherwood (Henry Hunter) is a park ranger at Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming. He meets up with Ruth (Judith Barrett, a dead ringer for Fay Wray), a young woman staying at the park's luxurious hotel and waiting for the father she hasn't seen in eighteen years. Dick immediately starts putting the moves on Ruth- playing cute, and annoyingly quoting out of his ranger manual. Ruth's dad, James (Ralph Morgan), arrives and is briefly reunited with his daughter before -dun-dun-DUN!- murder! James' body is found after it gets blown out of a geyser (stop giggling), and the park is locked down as the large cast of suspects is interrogated by private detective Hardigan (a miscast Alan Hale). Since the film is barely an hour, the climax arrives quickly, with a hard-to-believe explanation.

Also hard to believe is some of the annoying supporting cast. Andy Devine volunteers little comic relief as Pay-Day, who wants to be a full-time park ranger. Raymond Hatton is along as Old Pete, who has tall tales to bore the cast and viewer with. Between these two, the stereotypical Chinese chef (Willie Fung), and the Native American, you will be cringing often. The scenery is gorgeous, it would be interesting to compare the locations on film to how they look today. While four writers have their names on this fluff, possibly explaining the bizarre shifts in tone, director Lubin keeps things clicking along. Too bad about the two songs here, both impossible to comprehend and enjoy.

"Yellowstone" is a harmless B-movie hearkening back to yesteryear. Old Faithful, indeed.

Stats:
(1936) 63 min. (6/10)
-Directed by Arthur Lubin
-Screenplay by Jefferson Parker & Stuart Palmer & Houston Branch, Original Story by Arthur Phillips
-Cast: Henry Hunter, Judith Barrett, Andy Devine, Alan Hale, Willie Fung, Ralph Morgan, Monroe Owsley, Rollo Lloyd, Raymond Hatton, Paul Harvey, Paul Fix, Michael Loring, Mary Gordon
(Not Rated)

Yesterday's Target (1996)

A trio of time travelers land in the present and try to find out who they are, why they are here, and why is the host of "Reading Rainbow" after them?

Paul (Daniel Baldwin), Jessica (Stacey Haiduk), and Carter (T.K. Carter) all land with skull caps that make Harvey Korman's fake chrome dome on "The Carol Burnett Show" look chillingly realistic. They eventually take manual labor jobs, and keep their special powers a secret. Paul is telekinetic, Jessica is psychic, and Carter can make fire without the use of flammable liquids. Paul is rescued from baddies by Aaron (Richard Herd), who runs an organization that helps children born with these powers. Aaron is aided by a psychic boy Roland (David Netter), who communicates telepathically. Paul rescues Jessica, and hints at a past future that neither one especially remembers. They also rescue Carter, and go on the run. LeVar Burton is Winstrom, who is very psychic. He also has some mean henchmen (Tom Poster, Trevor Goddard), and a mysterious boss Holden (Malcolm McDowell). They chase our heroic trio, and the heroic trio runs and hides, using their powers when needed, until the true reason they were sent back in time is discovered.

"Yesterday's Target" is yesterday's news. The film is too small to live up to its hopeful intentions. For a huge underground organization, Aaron seems to be running a very small psychiatric hospital with a handful of patients. The action scenes lumber along on their average special effects and small budget. The film tries to be a road movie, but it never gets far enough down that road. A switch to time travel thriller never works, as the climactic mission that the three are sent on is really not all that exciting. The semi-name cast is pretty good. Baldwin is an old hand at these B action movies, but Burton has been such a goody-goody staple on children's television, he can gather no menace to play the part of Winstrom, despite the despicable murders and whatnot. McDowell turns in his usual psycho performance, proving he will appear in anything for a buck. While Samson's direction is adequate, I got the feeling he was confined by his cable TV movie budget. A big screen action blowout run by Cronenberg or John Carpenter probably would have had the desired effect. There may have been more to Bourla's script, the film is a choppy eighty minutes long.

"Yesterday's Target" seems half done, and never grabs the viewer like it should. It combines "X-Men," "The X Files," and "The Terminator," but seems satisfied to end on time and nothing more.

Stats:
(1996) 79 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Barry Samson
-Written by David Bourla
-Cast: Daniel Baldwin, Malcolm McDowell, LeVar Burton, T.K. Carter, Stacey Haiduk, Richard Herd, Tom Poster, Trevor Goddard, David Netter, Page Mosely, Mary Kathleen Gordon, Lucille Soong, Iqbal Theba
(R)

You Know My Name (1993)

The beauty of Angel Connell's music video is that he takes one of the strangest songs you will ever hear from one of the greatest bands of all-time, and succeeds in making it his.

An attractive Betty Taylor enters Fantasy Dating Service and sits in front of four television screens to pick through potential suitors. The screens pop on one at a time, and feature writer/director Angel Connell playing all four roles- a wigged crazy guy, an oily lothario, a perfectly handsome man, and a circus clown...or is it the same man exhibiting different personalities? As The Beatles' "You Know My Name (Look Up the Number)" plays, and is lip-synched by Connell's characters, the woman must choose.

While this does not have the technical strengths of Connell's "She's So Cold" or "Stocking Stuffers," predating both, Connell succeeds in making a short, fun film. I do not know where he found "You Know My Name (Look Up the Number)," it was released as a B-side, then appeared on a few collections and anthologies here and there, but Connell takes the goofball novelty aspects of the song and builds on them. While the VHS quality and some off synching would normally be huge detriments, Connell's editing shines through, and he does have onscreen charisma. I still have the Rolling Stones' "She's So Cold" running through my head ("You Know My Name" isn't as insidious), and Connell and his Parousian Pictures score another successful short. He proves that short film making is a viable art form, and I wish some full length films were this memorable.

Stats:
(1993) 6 min. (8/10)
-Written and Directed by Angel Connell
-Cast: Angel Connell, Betty Taylor
(Not Rated)

The Young, the Gay, and the Restless (2006)

Jeez, if you are going to spoof daytime soap operas, you could at least look like you are having fun doing it.

Victoria (Ms. Elliott) and Francis (Joseph Haggerty) have been together for ten years- a lifetime for a gay relationship, according to one character. An anniversary party is planned- Cynthia (Holly Karrol Clark), Victoria's estranged adopted daughter, plans to attend with her issues-laden husband Phillip (Caleb Campbell). Phillip is a protests-too-much homophobe tiring of Francis' son Nicholas (Justin Marchert) making passes at him. Household help Andrew (Scott Whitaker) is gay but is fighting off the advances of Kristin (Kaycee). He seems to be proving his homosexuality by seeing three other men at the same time, all of whom show up during the party. The melodramatic Victoria is suffering from fainting spells and her physician Dr. Bender (Buck Davis) is called in. He continuously butts heads with Francis over Victoria's care. Mark (Dennis Richardson), Victoria's natural son, arrives, and many plot twists get revealed, soap opera-style. Blackmail, a pregnancy, and some deaths occur, all while the viewer checks their watch.

I will give the film this- the lush opening credits resemble any soap opera on television back when they were popular. The beautiful California locale is nice to look at. This was appropriately shot on high definition video, and the brief seventy-something minute running time is welcome. I could not tell if the cast's bad acting was intentional or not. There are good performers on real daytime television, soap operas have spawned many an Oscar nominee and winner, but here everyone is bad. This may be the fault of writer/director Joe Castro, whose script is terrible- he never gets any laughs. This genre of television could be mined for comedy ("Tootsie," "Fresno," and "Soapdish" spring to mind), but Castro drops the ball. The direction is beyond listless, as Castro holds medium shots for what feels like hours, and I became embarrassed for the cast as they floundered. While some of the language and sexual dynamics were not common on network television, this film's sex scenes are too mild. Maybe there is an uncut version of this out there somewhere, but in this version there is no nudity. The camera cuts away or does not show anything, which is frustrating since daytime television's sex scenes are also a genre staple that should have been lampooned more effectively. Instead, we get the old chestnut where somebody is scattering the ashes of a character's remains, only to have those ashes blow back in their face- ow, my sides. It is hard to recommend a film based solely on the opening credits, so I won't.

"The Young, the Gay, and the Restless" had potential, but any ten minutes of yesteryear's soaps had more laughs.

Stats:
(2006) 79 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Joe Castro
-Cast: Ms. Elliott, Joseph Haggerty, Holly Karrol Clark, Caleb Campbell, Justin Marchert, Scott Whitaker, Kaycee, Buck Davis, Dennis Richardson, Chris Brown, Jeremy Dubois, Felicia Lambreton, Michael Oliveira
(Not Rated)

You Stupid Man (2002)

They are here: beautiful New Yorkers who never work and have great one-liners at the ready- characters who think of themselves as the centers of their respective universes. The only thing missing from "You Stupid Man" is the opening credit "a Woody Allen film," and the work of a Scandinavian cinematographer.

New Yorkers Owen (David Krumholtz) and Chloe (Denise Richards) have a fairy tale love cut short by Chloe's departure to the west coast to star in a brainless sitcom. Owen discovers on a surprise trip that she's also sleeping with her co-star, and now Owen's alone. He tries a blind date with Nadine (Milla Jovovich), which turns into a disaster. Their second meeting is not much better, and Owen gets into an argument with Chloe at the wedding of their mutual friends Jack (Dan Montgomery Jr.) and Diane (Jessica Cauffiel). Nadine and Owen finally find common ground- they are both trying to get over recent painful break-ups, and the two become quick best friends. As Jack and Diane's relationship crumbles and Owen's brother Brady (William Baldwin) sleeps with any woman he can, Owen still clings to the perfect ideal love he had with Chloe, blind to Nadine's changing feelings.

Now I'm not saying writer/director Burns set out to copy Woody Allen, but if you are going to shoot a comedy about neurotic New Yorkers and their love problems, you are inviting comparison. This does not mean "You Stupid Man" is a disaster. Despite Owen being an annoyance of the highest degree, Krumholtz does an admirable job of wringing a bit of nice out of him. Richards has no problem playing a brain-dead, shallow actress, and the rest of the cast is okay, although Baldwin's role feels very trimmed, and I never believed he and Krumholtz would pass for brothers for a second. Jovovich is nothing but great as Nadine, bringing a very good emotional range to an otherwise mono-emotional screenplay. She has a smoldering "are you kidding me?" look every time Owen opens his mouth that had me grinning. A couple of scenes stand out here and there but I kept asking myself why anyone should care about these characters? I wanted everyone to tell Owen to get over himself by the end of the film, he falls in and out of love much too often. No one works, jobwise, the New York City locales are there, as is the navel-gazing and self-analytical banter- you try and not look for Woody Allen's name in the credits.

Stats:
(2002) 95 min. (4/10)
-Written and Directed by Brian Burns
-Cast: David Krumholtz, Denise Richards, Milla Jovovich, Dan Montgomery Jr., Jessica Cauffiel, William Baldwin, Landy Cannon, Katia Corriveau, Stephen Bogaert, Catherine Fitch, Stephanie Belding, Darren Frost, Dan Willmott
(Not Rated)

Yuma (1971)

Aaron Spelling produced this made-for-television western that gets awfully plotty for a seventy-three minute film, playing like a failed series pilot.

Clint Walker is U.S. Marshal Dave Harmon, who wanders into Yuma, Arizona Territory in time to kill one of the brothers of a local bigwig rancher, and takes another brother to jail where he meets homeless kid Andres (Miguel Alejandro goes from "cute" to "aneurysm-inducing annoyance" quickly), who sleeps at the jailhouse. Two men kill the remaining brother, pinning the murder on Harmon. Harmon visits the local Army fort, and rankles the chains of the commander. The bigwig hears of his brothers' deaths, and rides back to town in time to get his chains rankled as well. The local Native population, who get short-changed by the Army on their beef, also get rankled in the chains area. With all these chains getting rankled, Harmon still has time to woo the local hotel owner before an unlikely climactic showdown.

There is a subplot involving the death of Harmon's family at the hands of Army raiders, and I think this would have been the force behind the series, had it been picked up. Instead, the film ends abruptly, and I kept waiting for scenes from next week's exciting episode. Because of the fade-outs for nonexistent commercial breaks, the pacing is off and its story jumps in fits. Walker is handsome, rugged, and has a voice deeper than a well. The rest of the cast is full of television actors you have probably seen before. Much of the action is lame, and the violence is tepid. The first brother killed gets a shotgun blast mid-torso, and falls without a scratch on him.

If you dislike westerns, then you will dislike "Yuma." If you like westerns, then you will still dislike "Yuma." I cannot recommend it.

Stats:
(1971) 73 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Ted Post
-Written by Charles A. Wallace
-Cast: Clint Walker, Barry Sullivan, Edgar Buchanan, Kathryn Hays, Peter Mark Richman, Morgan Woodward, Miguel Alejandro, John Kerr, Robert Phillips, Bing Russell, Bruce Glover, Rudy Diaz, Bill McLean
(PG)

Zandy's Bride (1974)

Gene Hackman turns in one of his best performances in this intimate western.

Hackman is Zandy, a hard and angry rancher who needs a wife to cook the meals and birth him some sons, and sends away for a mail-order bride. The titular mate comes in the form of Hannah (Liv Ullmann), fresh off the stage from Minnesota to the gorgeous coast near Monterey, California. Hannah has lied about her age and Zandy already has it in for her from the beginning. The two are married immediately, and Zandy sexually assaults his new bride that night (this is a very hard "PG"-rated film). Zandy's place is filthy, and Hannah does what she can to clean it up. She makes some meek requests- things like a clothesline, no hats at the dinner table, and Zandy must wash his hands before eating. Zandy reacts angrily and violently to this, and we find out why- Zandy's father (Frank Cady) treats Zandy's mother (Eileen Heckart) with even less regard than Zandy treats Hannah. Zandy returns home and finds Hannah has befriended hot-to-trot Maria (Susan Tyrrell, surprisingly good in a part she is all wrong for), who has obvious designs on Zandy.

Jan Troell and screenwriter Marc Norman fashion a great film here. This is a western, but there are no gunfights, no sheriffs, no outlaws, just seemingly realistic life. Troell finds great little scenes, showcasing the actors who are dressed down and dowdy. Life then was ugly, and Troell captures it well. Hackman is incredible- his Zandy is unlikable, cruel, and he delights in the cruelty he shows to his new wife. Hackman never crosses the line into caricature, his character is totally believable. Ullmann is also great, not becoming another victim who turns into a liberated woman at the right time. The audience realizes she is a person before Zandy does. Heckart has a great, pained look that is the product of years of her character's abuse at the hands of Frank Cady's Pa, eons from his folksy sitcom characters. The script sends us through the lives of these people without too much direction, and I believe this is because these people's lives were directionless. There is an underlying anger and toughness to this cast that you do not see in many westerns, which seem to make us think that life then was really fun.

"Zandy's Bride" is not your average western, and even non-genre fans will find something to like. I highly recommend it.

Stats:
(1974) 97 min. (10/10)
-Directed by Jan Troell
-Screenplay by Marc Norman based on "The Stranger" by Lillian Bos Ross
-Cast: Gene Hackman, Liv Ullmann, Frank Cady, Eileen Heckart, Susan Tyrrell, Sam Bottoms, Harry Dean Stanton, Joe Santos, Robert E. Simpson, Vivian Gordon, Fabian Gregory, Ivan Bell, James Gammon
(PG)

Zeus & Roxanne (1997)

George Miller directs this family film about a scrappy, mangy mongrel who falls in love with a graceful creature way out of his league, and species- but enough about Steve Guttenberg and Kathleen Quinlan.

Zeus is the dog belonging to widower Terry (Steve Guttenberg) and son Jordan (Miko Hughes). Roxanne is the dolphin being studied by Mary Beth (Kathleen Quinlan), when she isn't busy running after her bratty daughters Judith (Majandra Delfino) and Nora (Jessica Howell). Dog and dolphin meet in the opening scene of the film and the two seem to share a special bond that is never fully explored by the screenwriter. Terry and Mary Beth happen to live across the street from each other, and Zeus follows Mary Beth to work to see Roxanne. We also meet our villain, Dr. Carver (Arnold Vosloo), who pens his dolphins to study them instead of letting them frolic in the open sea like Roxanne allows. Mary Beth decides to apply for a grant to study inter-species communication after seeing Zeus and Roxanne's interaction. Judith, Nora, and Jordan set Terry and Mary Beth up on a date that goes so well the kids decide shacking up would be the next logical step in the relationship. Terry has second thoughts (making one wonder where his first thoughts are since both adults are shamelessly manipulated by their offspring), and bolts with boy and dog, while Roxanne acts out in her own way.

If I needed to describe "Zeus and Roxanne" with one word, that word would be "mild." The film makers saw their target audience, the family, and dumbed down every aspect of the production. What is produced is a bland saltine of a movie more at home on a basic cable family channel, sandwiched in between reruns of drab thirty-year old sitcoms. Terry and Jordan, two of the film's lead characters, really don't have to be here at all. Zeus could have been a stray dog discovered by Mary Beth, and the main plot of the film (dog and dolphin) would have remained intact. Instead, Terry is an immature musician cared for by Jordan, whose photographs of Zeus reminded me of early Robert Mapplethorpe. So we must suffer through the pulp romance mechanics of Mary Beth and Terry's courtship, while dog and dolphin take a back seat to the humans.

Kathleen Quinlan is actually quite good here. While her character is not as straight laced and prudish as I imagine she was conceived to be, she is the best thing going. Guttenberg is given nothing, forcing that silly grin and probably wondering what the hell happened between "Cocoon" and this. The Bahamas location and underwater photography are both beautiful, as it would be hard to muck that up. Unfortunately, director Miller is as mechanical with his direction as Tom Benedek is with his screenplay. Endless shots of the animals doing adorable things gets old after a while. Bruce Rowland's high-pitched musical score is so bad, I kept muting my television, ready to blame the neighbors for playing their stereo too loud.

The funniest aspect of this film is the breathless blurb on the back of the VHS box from critic Jeffrey Lyons, who salivates: "A charmer! Zeus and Roxanne will melt your hearts- and parents will enjoy it, guaranteed!" You know, if I had not checked this out from the library for free decades ago, I would be tempted to write Lyons and demand my video rental fee be refunded toot-sweet. Throw back "Zeus and Roxanne."

Stats:
(1997) 98 min. (4/10)
-Directed by George Miller
-Written by Tom Benedek
-Cast: Steve Guttenberg, Kathleen Quinlan, Arnold Vosloo, Miko Hughes, Majandra Delfino, Jessica Howell, Dawn McMillan, Duchess Tomasello, Shannon K. Foley, Jim R. Coleman, Alvin Farmer, Harri James, Maury Covington
(PG)

Confessions (1977)

1977 was a productive year for porn auteur Anthony Spinelli. Not only did he direct the silly identity switch film "Expectations", he also helmed the hilariously titled "Oriental Babysitter," and this standard flick. Spinelli doesn't need any identity switching here, telling the story of Beth (Kristine Heller), a bored housewife who can't get sex from her moron husband Gary (John Leslie), and goes out looking for it. She picks up a biker (Peter Johns) in the film's only "action sequence", then seduces her husband's boss (Joey Silvera) in a kinda funny party scene. She answers an ad in the paper and humiliates Howard (Jack Wright), much to his wife's (Dory Devon) amusement, before letting herself be with the wife as well. Eventually, Beth turns to prostitution- all because goofy Gary won't satisfy her in bed?

Spinelli's direction is different from most porn only because he actually directs. The late 1970s decor seems more outlandish here, adding to the by-the-numbers screenplay, which is just a series of sexual encounters set against a very weak plot frame. The lead actress, Kristine Heller, a girl next door type, is so refreshingly different from other tarted-up starlets who all eventually look alike. She died in 1989, if you believe internet sources, and that is sad. It is unsettling to watch someone who has fallen victim to abuse, illness, or an early death perform such intimate acts onscreen. The rest of the cast literally go through the motions, but I cannot get Heller out of my head. This is unerotic stuff.

"Confessions," also known as "Confessions of a Woman," is standard, slightly worse than "Expectations," and no different than any other adult film. I confess to not liking this film.

Stats:
(1977) 67 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Anthony Spinelli
-No Writer Credited
-Cast: Kristine Heller, John Leslie, Joey Silvera, Peter Johns, Jack Wright, Al Russo, Dory Devon
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