*Get the film on Amazon here*
They are here: beautiful New Yorkers who never work and have great one-liners at the ready- characters who think of themselves as the centers of their respective universes. The only thing missing from "You Stupid Man" is the opening credit "a Woody Allen film," and the work of a Scandinavian cinematographer.
New Yorkers Owen (David Krumholtz) and Chloe (Denise Richards) have a fairy tale love cut short by Chloe's departure to the west coast to star in a brainless sitcom. Owen discovers on a surprise trip that she's also sleeping with her co-star, and now Owen's alone. He tries a blind date with Nadine (Milla Jovovich), which turns into a disaster. Their second meeting is not much better, and Owen gets into an argument with Chloe at the wedding of their mutual friends Jack (Dan Montgomery Jr.) and Diane (Jessica Cauffiel). Nadine and Owen finally find common ground- they are both trying to get over recent painful break-ups, and the two become quick best friends. As Jack and Diane's relationship crumbles and Owen's brother Brady (William Baldwin) sleeps with any woman he can, Owen still clings to the perfect ideal love he had with Chloe, blind to Nadine's changing feelings.
Now I'm not saying writer/director Burns set out to copy Woody Allen, but if you are going to shoot a comedy about neurotic New Yorkers and their love problems, you are inviting comparison. This does not mean "You Stupid Man" is a disaster. Despite Owen being an annoyance of the highest degree, Krumholtz does an admirable job of wringing a bit of nice out of him. Richards has no problem playing a brain-dead, shallow actress, and the rest of the cast is okay, although Baldwin's role feels very trimmed, and I never believed he and Krumholtz would pass for brothers for a second. Jovovich is nothing but great as Nadine, bringing a very good emotional range to an otherwise mono-emotional screenplay. She has a smoldering "are you kidding me?" look every time Owen opens his mouth that had me grinning. A couple of scenes stand out here and there but I kept asking myself why anyone should care about these characters? I wanted everyone to tell Owen to get over himself by the end of the film, he falls in and out of love much too often. No one works, jobwise, the New York City locales are there, as is the navel-gazing and self-analytical banter- you try and not look for Woody Allen's name in the credits.
Stats:
(2002) 95 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Brian Burns
-Cast: David Krumholtz, Denise Richards, Milla Jovovich, Dan Montgomery Jr., Jessica Cauffiel, William Baldwin, Landy Cannon, Katia Corriveau, Stephen Bogaert, Catherine Fitch, Stephanie Belding, Darren Frost, Dan Willmott
(Not Rated)
Thursday, March 13, 2025
Yuma (1971)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Aaron Spelling produced this made-for-television western that gets awfully plotty for a seventy-three minute film, playing like a failed series pilot.
Clint Walker is U.S. Marshal Dave Harmon, who wanders into Yuma, Arizona Territory in time to kill one of the brothers of a local bigwig rancher, and takes another brother to jail where he meets homeless kid Andres (Miguel Alejandro goes from "cute" to "aneurysm-inducing annoyance" quickly), who sleeps at the jailhouse. Two men kill the remaining brother, pinning the murder on Harmon. Harmon visits the local Army fort, and rankles the chains of the commander. The bigwig hears of his brothers' deaths, and rides back to town in time to get his chains rankled as well. The local Native population, who get short-changed by the Army on their beef, also get rankled in the chains area. With all these chains getting rankled, Harmon still has time to woo the local hotel owner before an unlikely climactic showdown.
There is a subplot involving the death of Harmon's family at the hands of Army raiders, and I think this would have been the force behind the series, had it been picked up. Instead, the film ends abruptly, and I kept waiting for scenes from next week's exciting episode. Because of the fade-outs for nonexistent commercial breaks, the pacing is off and its story jumps in fits. Walker is handsome, rugged, and has a voice deeper than a well. The rest of the cast is full of television actors you have probably seen before. Much of the action is lame, and the violence is tepid. The first brother killed gets a shotgun blast mid-torso, and falls without a scratch on him.
If you dislike westerns, then you will dislike "Yuma." If you like westerns, then you will still dislike "Yuma." I cannot recommend it.
Stats:
(1971) 73 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Ted Post
-Written by Charles A. Wallace
-Cast: Clint Walker, Barry Sullivan, Edgar Buchanan, Kathryn Hays, Peter Mark Richman, Morgan Woodward, Miguel Alejandro, John Kerr, Robert Phillips, Bing Russell, Bruce Glover, Rudy Diaz, Bill McLean
(PG)
Aaron Spelling produced this made-for-television western that gets awfully plotty for a seventy-three minute film, playing like a failed series pilot.
Clint Walker is U.S. Marshal Dave Harmon, who wanders into Yuma, Arizona Territory in time to kill one of the brothers of a local bigwig rancher, and takes another brother to jail where he meets homeless kid Andres (Miguel Alejandro goes from "cute" to "aneurysm-inducing annoyance" quickly), who sleeps at the jailhouse. Two men kill the remaining brother, pinning the murder on Harmon. Harmon visits the local Army fort, and rankles the chains of the commander. The bigwig hears of his brothers' deaths, and rides back to town in time to get his chains rankled as well. The local Native population, who get short-changed by the Army on their beef, also get rankled in the chains area. With all these chains getting rankled, Harmon still has time to woo the local hotel owner before an unlikely climactic showdown.
There is a subplot involving the death of Harmon's family at the hands of Army raiders, and I think this would have been the force behind the series, had it been picked up. Instead, the film ends abruptly, and I kept waiting for scenes from next week's exciting episode. Because of the fade-outs for nonexistent commercial breaks, the pacing is off and its story jumps in fits. Walker is handsome, rugged, and has a voice deeper than a well. The rest of the cast is full of television actors you have probably seen before. Much of the action is lame, and the violence is tepid. The first brother killed gets a shotgun blast mid-torso, and falls without a scratch on him.
If you dislike westerns, then you will dislike "Yuma." If you like westerns, then you will still dislike "Yuma." I cannot recommend it.
Stats:
(1971) 73 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Ted Post
-Written by Charles A. Wallace
-Cast: Clint Walker, Barry Sullivan, Edgar Buchanan, Kathryn Hays, Peter Mark Richman, Morgan Woodward, Miguel Alejandro, John Kerr, Robert Phillips, Bing Russell, Bruce Glover, Rudy Diaz, Bill McLean
(PG)
Zandy's Bride (1974)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Gene Hackman turns in one of his best performances in this intimate western.
Hackman is Zandy, a hard and angry rancher who needs a wife to cook the meals and birth him some sons, and sends away for a mail-order bride. The titular mate comes in the form of Hannah (Liv Ullmann), fresh off the stage from Minnesota to the gorgeous coast near Monterey, California. Hannah has lied about her age and Zandy already has it in for her from the beginning. The two are married immediately, and Zandy sexually assaults his new bride that night (this is a very hard "PG"-rated film). Zandy's place is filthy, and Hannah does what she can to clean it up. She makes some meek requests- things like a clothesline, no hats at the dinner table, and Zandy must wash his hands before eating. Zandy reacts angrily and violently to this, and we find out why- Zandy's father (Frank Cady) treats Zandy's mother (Eileen Heckart) with even less regard than Zandy treats Hannah. Zandy returns home and finds Hannah has befriended hot-to-trot Maria (Susan Tyrrell, surprisingly good in a part she is all wrong for), who has obvious designs on Zandy.
Jan Troell and screenwriter Marc Norman fashion a great film here. This is a western, but there are no gunfights, no sheriffs, no outlaws, just seemingly realistic life. Troell finds great little scenes, showcasing the actors who are dressed down and dowdy. Life then was ugly, and Troell captures it well. Hackman is incredible- his Zandy is unlikable, cruel, and he delights in the cruelty he shows to his new wife. Hackman never crosses the line into caricature, his character is totally believable. Ullmann is also great, not becoming another victim who turns into a liberated woman at the right time. The audience realizes she is a person before Zandy does. Heckart has a great, pained look that is the product of years of her character's abuse at the hands of Frank Cady's Pa, eons from his folksy sitcom characters. The script sends us through the lives of these people without too much direction, and I believe this is because these people's lives were directionless. There is an underlying anger and toughness to this cast that you do not see in many westerns, which seem to make us think that life then was really fun.
"Zandy's Bride" is not your average western, and even non-genre fans will find something to like. I highly recommend it.
Stats:
(1974) 97 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jan Troell
-Screenplay by Marc Norman based on "The Stranger" by Lillian Bos Ross
-Cast: Gene Hackman, Liv Ullmann, Frank Cady, Eileen Heckart, Susan Tyrrell, Sam Bottoms, Harry Dean Stanton, Joe Santos, Robert E. Simpson, Vivian Gordon, Fabian Gregory, Ivan Bell, James Gammon
(PG)
Gene Hackman turns in one of his best performances in this intimate western.
Hackman is Zandy, a hard and angry rancher who needs a wife to cook the meals and birth him some sons, and sends away for a mail-order bride. The titular mate comes in the form of Hannah (Liv Ullmann), fresh off the stage from Minnesota to the gorgeous coast near Monterey, California. Hannah has lied about her age and Zandy already has it in for her from the beginning. The two are married immediately, and Zandy sexually assaults his new bride that night (this is a very hard "PG"-rated film). Zandy's place is filthy, and Hannah does what she can to clean it up. She makes some meek requests- things like a clothesline, no hats at the dinner table, and Zandy must wash his hands before eating. Zandy reacts angrily and violently to this, and we find out why- Zandy's father (Frank Cady) treats Zandy's mother (Eileen Heckart) with even less regard than Zandy treats Hannah. Zandy returns home and finds Hannah has befriended hot-to-trot Maria (Susan Tyrrell, surprisingly good in a part she is all wrong for), who has obvious designs on Zandy.
Jan Troell and screenwriter Marc Norman fashion a great film here. This is a western, but there are no gunfights, no sheriffs, no outlaws, just seemingly realistic life. Troell finds great little scenes, showcasing the actors who are dressed down and dowdy. Life then was ugly, and Troell captures it well. Hackman is incredible- his Zandy is unlikable, cruel, and he delights in the cruelty he shows to his new wife. Hackman never crosses the line into caricature, his character is totally believable. Ullmann is also great, not becoming another victim who turns into a liberated woman at the right time. The audience realizes she is a person before Zandy does. Heckart has a great, pained look that is the product of years of her character's abuse at the hands of Frank Cady's Pa, eons from his folksy sitcom characters. The script sends us through the lives of these people without too much direction, and I believe this is because these people's lives were directionless. There is an underlying anger and toughness to this cast that you do not see in many westerns, which seem to make us think that life then was really fun.
"Zandy's Bride" is not your average western, and even non-genre fans will find something to like. I highly recommend it.
Stats:
(1974) 97 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jan Troell
-Screenplay by Marc Norman based on "The Stranger" by Lillian Bos Ross
-Cast: Gene Hackman, Liv Ullmann, Frank Cady, Eileen Heckart, Susan Tyrrell, Sam Bottoms, Harry Dean Stanton, Joe Santos, Robert E. Simpson, Vivian Gordon, Fabian Gregory, Ivan Bell, James Gammon
(PG)
Zeus & Roxanne (1997)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
George Miller directs this family film about a scrappy, mangy mongrel who falls in love with a graceful creature way out of his league, and species- but enough about Steve Guttenberg and Kathleen Quinlan.
Zeus is the dog belonging to widower Terry (Steve Guttenberg) and son Jordan (Miko Hughes). Roxanne is the dolphin being studied by Mary Beth (Kathleen Quinlan), when she isn't busy running after her bratty daughters Judith (Majandra Delfino) and Nora (Jessica Howell). Dog and dolphin meet in the opening scene of the film and the two seem to share a special bond that is never fully explored by the screenwriter. Terry and Mary Beth happen to live across the street from each other, and Zeus follows Mary Beth to work to see Roxanne. We also meet our villain, Dr. Carver (Arnold Vosloo), who pens his dolphins to study them instead of letting them frolic in the open sea like Roxanne allows. Mary Beth decides to apply for a grant to study inter-species communication after seeing Zeus and Roxanne's interaction. Judith, Nora, and Jordan set Terry and Mary Beth up on a date that goes so well the kids decide shacking up would be the next logical step in the relationship. Terry has second thoughts (making one wonder where his first thoughts are since both adults are shamelessly manipulated by their offspring), and bolts with boy and dog, while Roxanne acts out in her own way.
If I needed to describe "Zeus and Roxanne" with one word, that word would be "mild." The film makers saw their target audience, the family, and dumbed down every aspect of the production. What is produced is a bland saltine of a movie more at home on a basic cable family channel, sandwiched in between reruns of drab thirty-year old sitcoms. Terry and Jordan, two of the film's lead characters, really don't have to be here at all. Zeus could have been a stray dog discovered by Mary Beth, and the main plot of the film (dog and dolphin) would have remained intact. Instead, Terry is an immature musician cared for by Jordan, whose photographs of Zeus reminded me of early Robert Mapplethorpe. So we must suffer through the pulp romance mechanics of Mary Beth and Terry's courtship, while dog and dolphin take a back seat to the humans.
Kathleen Quinlan is actually quite good here. While her character is not as straight laced and prudish as I imagine she was conceived to be, she is the best thing going. Guttenberg is given nothing, forcing that silly grin and probably wondering what the hell happened between "Cocoon" and this. The Bahamas location and underwater photography are both beautiful, as it would be hard to muck that up. Unfortunately, director Miller is as mechanical with his direction as Tom Benedek is with his screenplay. Endless shots of the animals doing adorable things gets old after a while. Bruce Rowland's high-pitched musical score is so bad, I kept muting my television, ready to blame the neighbors for playing their stereo too loud.
The funniest aspect of this film is the breathless blurb on the back of the VHS box from critic Jeffrey Lyons, who salivates: "A charmer! Zeus and Roxanne will melt your hearts- and parents will enjoy it, guaranteed!" You know, if I had not checked this out from the library for free decades ago, I would be tempted to write Lyons and demand my video rental fee be refunded toot-sweet. Throw back "Zeus and Roxanne."
Stats:
(1997) 98 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by George Miller
-Written by Tom Benedek
-Cast: Steve Guttenberg, Kathleen Quinlan, Arnold Vosloo, Miko Hughes, Majandra Delfino, Jessica Howell, Dawn McMillan, Duchess Tomasello, Shannon K. Foley, Jim R. Coleman, Alvin Farmer, Harri James, Maury Covington
(PG)
George Miller directs this family film about a scrappy, mangy mongrel who falls in love with a graceful creature way out of his league, and species- but enough about Steve Guttenberg and Kathleen Quinlan.
Zeus is the dog belonging to widower Terry (Steve Guttenberg) and son Jordan (Miko Hughes). Roxanne is the dolphin being studied by Mary Beth (Kathleen Quinlan), when she isn't busy running after her bratty daughters Judith (Majandra Delfino) and Nora (Jessica Howell). Dog and dolphin meet in the opening scene of the film and the two seem to share a special bond that is never fully explored by the screenwriter. Terry and Mary Beth happen to live across the street from each other, and Zeus follows Mary Beth to work to see Roxanne. We also meet our villain, Dr. Carver (Arnold Vosloo), who pens his dolphins to study them instead of letting them frolic in the open sea like Roxanne allows. Mary Beth decides to apply for a grant to study inter-species communication after seeing Zeus and Roxanne's interaction. Judith, Nora, and Jordan set Terry and Mary Beth up on a date that goes so well the kids decide shacking up would be the next logical step in the relationship. Terry has second thoughts (making one wonder where his first thoughts are since both adults are shamelessly manipulated by their offspring), and bolts with boy and dog, while Roxanne acts out in her own way.
If I needed to describe "Zeus and Roxanne" with one word, that word would be "mild." The film makers saw their target audience, the family, and dumbed down every aspect of the production. What is produced is a bland saltine of a movie more at home on a basic cable family channel, sandwiched in between reruns of drab thirty-year old sitcoms. Terry and Jordan, two of the film's lead characters, really don't have to be here at all. Zeus could have been a stray dog discovered by Mary Beth, and the main plot of the film (dog and dolphin) would have remained intact. Instead, Terry is an immature musician cared for by Jordan, whose photographs of Zeus reminded me of early Robert Mapplethorpe. So we must suffer through the pulp romance mechanics of Mary Beth and Terry's courtship, while dog and dolphin take a back seat to the humans.
Kathleen Quinlan is actually quite good here. While her character is not as straight laced and prudish as I imagine she was conceived to be, she is the best thing going. Guttenberg is given nothing, forcing that silly grin and probably wondering what the hell happened between "Cocoon" and this. The Bahamas location and underwater photography are both beautiful, as it would be hard to muck that up. Unfortunately, director Miller is as mechanical with his direction as Tom Benedek is with his screenplay. Endless shots of the animals doing adorable things gets old after a while. Bruce Rowland's high-pitched musical score is so bad, I kept muting my television, ready to blame the neighbors for playing their stereo too loud.
The funniest aspect of this film is the breathless blurb on the back of the VHS box from critic Jeffrey Lyons, who salivates: "A charmer! Zeus and Roxanne will melt your hearts- and parents will enjoy it, guaranteed!" You know, if I had not checked this out from the library for free decades ago, I would be tempted to write Lyons and demand my video rental fee be refunded toot-sweet. Throw back "Zeus and Roxanne."
Stats:
(1997) 98 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by George Miller
-Written by Tom Benedek
-Cast: Steve Guttenberg, Kathleen Quinlan, Arnold Vosloo, Miko Hughes, Majandra Delfino, Jessica Howell, Dawn McMillan, Duchess Tomasello, Shannon K. Foley, Jim R. Coleman, Alvin Farmer, Harri James, Maury Covington
(PG)
Confessions (1977)
*Get a copy of A Call to Purity: Living a Lifestyle of Purity by Richard and Brittni De La Morra on Amazon here*
1977 was a productive year for porn auteur Anthony Spinelli. Not only did he direct the silly identity switch film "Expectations", he also helmed the hilariously titled "Oriental Babysitter," and this standard flick. Spinelli doesn't need any identity switching here, telling the story of Beth (Kristine Heller), a bored housewife who can't get sex from her moron husband Gary (John Leslie), and goes out looking for it. She picks up a biker (Peter Johns) in the film's only "action sequence", then seduces her husband's boss (Joey Silvera) in a kinda funny party scene. She answers an ad in the paper and humiliates Howard (Jack Wright), much to his wife's (Dory Devon) amusement, before letting herself be with the wife as well. Eventually, Beth turns to prostitution- all because goofy Gary won't satisfy her in bed?
Spinelli's direction is different from most porn only because he actually directs. The late 1970s decor seems more outlandish here, adding to the by-the-numbers screenplay, which is just a series of sexual encounters set against a very weak plot frame. The lead actress, Kristine Heller, a girl next door type, is so refreshingly different from other tarted-up starlets who all eventually look alike. She died in 1989, if you believe internet sources, and that is sad. It is unsettling to watch someone who has fallen victim to abuse, illness, or an early death perform such intimate acts onscreen. The rest of the cast literally go through the motions, but I cannot get Heller out of my head. This is unerotic stuff.
"Confessions," also known as "Confessions of a Woman," is standard, slightly worse than "Expectations," and no different than any other adult film. I confess to not liking this film.
Stats:
(1977) 67 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Anthony Spinelli
-No Writer Credited
-Cast: Kristine Heller, John Leslie, Joey Silvera, Peter Johns, Jack Wright, Al Russo, Dory Devon
(X)
1977 was a productive year for porn auteur Anthony Spinelli. Not only did he direct the silly identity switch film "Expectations", he also helmed the hilariously titled "Oriental Babysitter," and this standard flick. Spinelli doesn't need any identity switching here, telling the story of Beth (Kristine Heller), a bored housewife who can't get sex from her moron husband Gary (John Leslie), and goes out looking for it. She picks up a biker (Peter Johns) in the film's only "action sequence", then seduces her husband's boss (Joey Silvera) in a kinda funny party scene. She answers an ad in the paper and humiliates Howard (Jack Wright), much to his wife's (Dory Devon) amusement, before letting herself be with the wife as well. Eventually, Beth turns to prostitution- all because goofy Gary won't satisfy her in bed?
Spinelli's direction is different from most porn only because he actually directs. The late 1970s decor seems more outlandish here, adding to the by-the-numbers screenplay, which is just a series of sexual encounters set against a very weak plot frame. The lead actress, Kristine Heller, a girl next door type, is so refreshingly different from other tarted-up starlets who all eventually look alike. She died in 1989, if you believe internet sources, and that is sad. It is unsettling to watch someone who has fallen victim to abuse, illness, or an early death perform such intimate acts onscreen. The rest of the cast literally go through the motions, but I cannot get Heller out of my head. This is unerotic stuff.
"Confessions," also known as "Confessions of a Woman," is standard, slightly worse than "Expectations," and no different than any other adult film. I confess to not liking this film.
Stats:
(1977) 67 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Anthony Spinelli
-No Writer Credited
-Cast: Kristine Heller, John Leslie, Joey Silvera, Peter Johns, Jack Wright, Al Russo, Dory Devon
(X)
Wednesday, March 12, 2025
Expectations (1977)
*Get a copy of A Call to Purity: Living a Lifestyle of Purity by Richard and Brittni De La Morra on Amazon here*
This pornographic film may be more famous today because of its mainstream cinematic quality, not the actual sex itself.
I am using the participants' real names, as found online, since the onscreen credits are full of pseudonyms. Margo (Delania Raffino) is bored with her man, and wants a change. She puts an ad in a San Francisco "underground newspaper," and meets up with Montana (Chris Cassidy). Margo plans to switch identities with Montana, and live the life of a "loose woman". Montana apparently has connections, makes all the arrangements, and Margo goes to Montana's apartment to live. Instantly, Joey (Joey Silvera) stops over for a little spank-and-tickle. Meanwhile, Montana settles into Margo's pad, and Margo's brother Vincent (Jack Wright) stops by. Because of an unexplained eye patch and a penchant for incestuous fantasy, Vincent is already the most interesting character in this group as the two women explore their new lives sexually.
If this had not been a porn film, it would not have been made. The identity switch is completely idiotic. Margo is a mousy brunette, and Montana is an oddly built platinum blonde. The idea is ridiculous to start with, and the only reason the audience follows along is to see some sex. The film's cinematography and widescreen are notable only because they exist. There is nothing special about either, and my mind wandered during many scenes- count how many lamps Montana turns off- it's a fun game. The acting is porn-standard, and the music is laughable, pieces ending and others beginning in the middle of scenes. The film is narrated by Margo and Montana, badly, and I can't remember when even that was dropped before a final coda at the end of the film.
The director, Anthony Spinelli, was the brother of mainstream actor Jack Weston. I can only imagine some of their conversations around the dinner table at Thanksgiving- "I just appeared in 'The Four Seasons' with Alan Alda", "Wow, I just directed 'Between the Sheets' with Seka". Some of Spinelli's shots are interesting, and the sex scenes don't follow the tried-and-true formula, teasing the audience. A lesbian scene between Margo and actress Desiree West never goes beyond softcore, making the viewer ask why it was cut.
All in all, "Expectations" is just what you might expect from a pornographic film as the cusp of the video age. They don't make them like this anymore, and that might be a good thing.
Stats:
(1977) 69 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Anthony Spinelli
-No Writer Credited
-Cast: Chris Cassidy, Delania Raffino, Jack Wright, Joey Silvera, Desiree West, Blair Harris
(X)
This pornographic film may be more famous today because of its mainstream cinematic quality, not the actual sex itself.
I am using the participants' real names, as found online, since the onscreen credits are full of pseudonyms. Margo (Delania Raffino) is bored with her man, and wants a change. She puts an ad in a San Francisco "underground newspaper," and meets up with Montana (Chris Cassidy). Margo plans to switch identities with Montana, and live the life of a "loose woman". Montana apparently has connections, makes all the arrangements, and Margo goes to Montana's apartment to live. Instantly, Joey (Joey Silvera) stops over for a little spank-and-tickle. Meanwhile, Montana settles into Margo's pad, and Margo's brother Vincent (Jack Wright) stops by. Because of an unexplained eye patch and a penchant for incestuous fantasy, Vincent is already the most interesting character in this group as the two women explore their new lives sexually.
If this had not been a porn film, it would not have been made. The identity switch is completely idiotic. Margo is a mousy brunette, and Montana is an oddly built platinum blonde. The idea is ridiculous to start with, and the only reason the audience follows along is to see some sex. The film's cinematography and widescreen are notable only because they exist. There is nothing special about either, and my mind wandered during many scenes- count how many lamps Montana turns off- it's a fun game. The acting is porn-standard, and the music is laughable, pieces ending and others beginning in the middle of scenes. The film is narrated by Margo and Montana, badly, and I can't remember when even that was dropped before a final coda at the end of the film.
The director, Anthony Spinelli, was the brother of mainstream actor Jack Weston. I can only imagine some of their conversations around the dinner table at Thanksgiving- "I just appeared in 'The Four Seasons' with Alan Alda", "Wow, I just directed 'Between the Sheets' with Seka". Some of Spinelli's shots are interesting, and the sex scenes don't follow the tried-and-true formula, teasing the audience. A lesbian scene between Margo and actress Desiree West never goes beyond softcore, making the viewer ask why it was cut.
All in all, "Expectations" is just what you might expect from a pornographic film as the cusp of the video age. They don't make them like this anymore, and that might be a good thing.
Stats:
(1977) 69 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Anthony Spinelli
-No Writer Credited
-Cast: Chris Cassidy, Delania Raffino, Jack Wright, Joey Silvera, Desiree West, Blair Harris
(X)
The Image (1975)
*Get a copy of A Call to Purity: Living a Lifestyle of Purity by Richard and Brittni De La Morra on Amazon here*
Bondage, sadomasochism, whippings, leather, masks, pain, torture, submissiveness- if you are intimately familiar with these terms, you are probably intimately familiar with this film.
Jean (Carl Parker) is a bachelor writer in Paris invited to a stuffy party. There he sees an old acquaintance, Claire (Marilyn Roberts), and Claire's "friend," Anne (Mary Mendum). Claire and Anne are obviously involved somehow, and Jean's interest is aroused. The trio go out for a drink, where Claire treats Anne like an object. Anne rarely talks, and cowers under Claire's control. Jean later tags along with the pair to the Bagatelle Gardens, where Claire demands unusual requests of Claire, like breaking the rule against flower picking, and urinating in public. Anne is very short with Jean when he sees her later without Claire, which earns Anne a new set of punishments- namely being beaten. Thanks to Claire, we know that Anne gets sexually aroused when being treated this way. Claire orders Anne to satisfy Jean sexually (to which Jean offers no resistance) but, of course, the unnatural order of the sadistic triangle begins to break down.
"The Image" came out in the mid-1970's, when the line between mainstream and pornographic cinema (porno chic) was still blurred. Newspapers would critique works like this as if they were "regular" films, finding fault or celebrating positives. This film does have some beautiful cinematography, courtesy of Rene Lefevre. Metzger's films were known for their photography, much like David Hamilton's films. The screenplay is a nightmare of terrible dialogue ("It was a look of one viewing a rerun of a successful film one had directed oneself, whose plot couldn't possibly have any surprises,"), and comically clumsy metaphors, such as Jean thinking back to Anne's public urination as giant water cannons explode behind him. Paris' many phallic monuments are also filmed in a certain way. Mendum is gorgeous in the lead role. Unfortunately, her character is treated sub-humanly and the actress must engage in many an explicit sex scene with Parker. Parker's Jean is a blank. We never figure out why he joins in the humiliation of Anne, and his narration is both unnecessary and obvious. Roberts is also a bit of a mystery as Claire. While the two go about the business of mistreating Anne in public places, I wondered how we got here to begin with. I understand if Metzger wanted to keep the sex, and the relationships, anonymous, but this provides a coldness the film could not shake. Metzger's direction is imaginative, he was fond of shooting sexual situations vaguely blocked by objects in the foreground, but here he lets loose with sex and violence of the bondage variety.
"The Image" is just that- pretty pictures of pretty people whipping each other during sexual sessions. Its infamy is understandable, but not deserved.
Stats:
(1975) 89 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Radley Metzger
-Screenplay by Radley Metzger based on the novel by Catherine Robbe-Grillet
-Cast: Mary Mendum, Carl Parker, Marilyn Roberts, Valerie Marron, Michelle Vence, Estelle McNalley, Nicole Rochambeau
(X)
Bondage, sadomasochism, whippings, leather, masks, pain, torture, submissiveness- if you are intimately familiar with these terms, you are probably intimately familiar with this film.
Jean (Carl Parker) is a bachelor writer in Paris invited to a stuffy party. There he sees an old acquaintance, Claire (Marilyn Roberts), and Claire's "friend," Anne (Mary Mendum). Claire and Anne are obviously involved somehow, and Jean's interest is aroused. The trio go out for a drink, where Claire treats Anne like an object. Anne rarely talks, and cowers under Claire's control. Jean later tags along with the pair to the Bagatelle Gardens, where Claire demands unusual requests of Claire, like breaking the rule against flower picking, and urinating in public. Anne is very short with Jean when he sees her later without Claire, which earns Anne a new set of punishments- namely being beaten. Thanks to Claire, we know that Anne gets sexually aroused when being treated this way. Claire orders Anne to satisfy Jean sexually (to which Jean offers no resistance) but, of course, the unnatural order of the sadistic triangle begins to break down.
"The Image" came out in the mid-1970's, when the line between mainstream and pornographic cinema (porno chic) was still blurred. Newspapers would critique works like this as if they were "regular" films, finding fault or celebrating positives. This film does have some beautiful cinematography, courtesy of Rene Lefevre. Metzger's films were known for their photography, much like David Hamilton's films. The screenplay is a nightmare of terrible dialogue ("It was a look of one viewing a rerun of a successful film one had directed oneself, whose plot couldn't possibly have any surprises,"), and comically clumsy metaphors, such as Jean thinking back to Anne's public urination as giant water cannons explode behind him. Paris' many phallic monuments are also filmed in a certain way. Mendum is gorgeous in the lead role. Unfortunately, her character is treated sub-humanly and the actress must engage in many an explicit sex scene with Parker. Parker's Jean is a blank. We never figure out why he joins in the humiliation of Anne, and his narration is both unnecessary and obvious. Roberts is also a bit of a mystery as Claire. While the two go about the business of mistreating Anne in public places, I wondered how we got here to begin with. I understand if Metzger wanted to keep the sex, and the relationships, anonymous, but this provides a coldness the film could not shake. Metzger's direction is imaginative, he was fond of shooting sexual situations vaguely blocked by objects in the foreground, but here he lets loose with sex and violence of the bondage variety.
"The Image" is just that- pretty pictures of pretty people whipping each other during sexual sessions. Its infamy is understandable, but not deserved.
Stats:
(1975) 89 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Radley Metzger
-Screenplay by Radley Metzger based on the novel by Catherine Robbe-Grillet
-Cast: Mary Mendum, Carl Parker, Marilyn Roberts, Valerie Marron, Michelle Vence, Estelle McNalley, Nicole Rochambeau
(X)
The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue (1980)
*Get a copy of A Call to Purity: Living a Lifestyle of Purity by Richard and Brittni De La Morra on Amazon here*
This cheap sci-fi/porn holds the crown for one of the stupidest titles of all-time, until "The Myth of Fingerprints" and "Surfer, Dude" was released.
A bearded Algon (Robert Kerman) has the sads. He and his best buddy Griffin (Herschel Savage) live in the twenty-first century in a world without poverty and war. When men need some lovin', they call up a "satisfier," whose main job is to cater to their every sexual whim. While Griffin enjoys the wall-to-wall, all-day sex, Algon wants something more- love and romance. The satisfiers' main goal is to become a hostess, then they will be able to pick the men they sleep with. Algon fixates on the lovely Diana (Lysa Thatcher), who rejects him. After a little-slap-and-tickle rough sex, Diana comes around, and Algon and Diana live happily ever after- c'mon, this is a porno, you want Shakespeare?
I remember reading that when Stanley Kubrick was looking to make "Eyes Wide Shut," he had planned on filming it with hardcore sex scenes. He did not realize that dream, and I doubt he could have. There are not enough good actors and actresses who can both deliver a line of dialogue and do hardcore scenes. With the ever-blurring line between porn and the mainstream, this film stands out as a relic. Damiano just wanted to put raincoat-wearing butts in a dirty theater's seats, he was not looking to make a mainstream film that would be shown in suburbia. The acting is porn acting- awful. Most of the talent is physical, why be concerned with emoting and characterization? Typical of most porn, I marveled at some of the pretty girls, rolled my eyes at the technical aspects, and waited for this to end. The sets and costumes are hilarious. We are all supposed to be wearing knits and watching stock film footage on giant wall televisions- okay, that last part is true. The plot lumbers along so the cast can do what they were hired to do. There are only so many ways to film a sex act, but Damiano tries to put a new spin on the proceedings- slow motion, freeze framing, and extreme close-ups all to mask a sad film. This was followed by a sequel, "Return to Alpha Blue," but I will not be looking for that anytime soon.
Done in the waning days before video saved the porn industry, "The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" elicits more sympathy than erotica.
Stats:
(1980) 86 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Gerard Damiano
-Cast: Robert Kerman, Herschel Savage, Lysa Thatcher, Sharon Mitchell, Jody Maxwell, Annie Sprinkle, Hillary Summers, Tiffany Clark, George Payne, Maria Tortuga, Lynx Canon, Coral Cie, Robin Sane
(X)
This cheap sci-fi/porn holds the crown for one of the stupidest titles of all-time, until "The Myth of Fingerprints" and "Surfer, Dude" was released.
A bearded Algon (Robert Kerman) has the sads. He and his best buddy Griffin (Herschel Savage) live in the twenty-first century in a world without poverty and war. When men need some lovin', they call up a "satisfier," whose main job is to cater to their every sexual whim. While Griffin enjoys the wall-to-wall, all-day sex, Algon wants something more- love and romance. The satisfiers' main goal is to become a hostess, then they will be able to pick the men they sleep with. Algon fixates on the lovely Diana (Lysa Thatcher), who rejects him. After a little-slap-and-tickle rough sex, Diana comes around, and Algon and Diana live happily ever after- c'mon, this is a porno, you want Shakespeare?
I remember reading that when Stanley Kubrick was looking to make "Eyes Wide Shut," he had planned on filming it with hardcore sex scenes. He did not realize that dream, and I doubt he could have. There are not enough good actors and actresses who can both deliver a line of dialogue and do hardcore scenes. With the ever-blurring line between porn and the mainstream, this film stands out as a relic. Damiano just wanted to put raincoat-wearing butts in a dirty theater's seats, he was not looking to make a mainstream film that would be shown in suburbia. The acting is porn acting- awful. Most of the talent is physical, why be concerned with emoting and characterization? Typical of most porn, I marveled at some of the pretty girls, rolled my eyes at the technical aspects, and waited for this to end. The sets and costumes are hilarious. We are all supposed to be wearing knits and watching stock film footage on giant wall televisions- okay, that last part is true. The plot lumbers along so the cast can do what they were hired to do. There are only so many ways to film a sex act, but Damiano tries to put a new spin on the proceedings- slow motion, freeze framing, and extreme close-ups all to mask a sad film. This was followed by a sequel, "Return to Alpha Blue," but I will not be looking for that anytime soon.
Done in the waning days before video saved the porn industry, "The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" elicits more sympathy than erotica.
Stats:
(1980) 86 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Gerard Damiano
-Cast: Robert Kerman, Herschel Savage, Lysa Thatcher, Sharon Mitchell, Jody Maxwell, Annie Sprinkle, Hillary Summers, Tiffany Clark, George Payne, Maria Tortuga, Lynx Canon, Coral Cie, Robin Sane
(X)
Sexcapades (1983)
*Get a copy of A Call to Purity: Living a Lifestyle of Purity by Richard and Brittni De La Morra on Amazon here*
Harry Crocker (Eric Edwards) has left the porn industry to direct documentaries. Seven years later, he has a few awards but no money to show for his decision. Producer Lorraine (Lee Carroll) gives him the chance to make another porn, and some money. Harry's prudish wife, Miriam (a very funny Sharon Mitchell), will have none of it, especially when Harry announces the film will be shot in their home. Soon, the set is a wreck. Scenes are running late, one actress apparently cannot read- which makes line memorization difficult. The Crockers' maid, Mi Ting (Mai Lin), is watching the shoot, and the film's story also involves a man sleeping with his maid. The porn shoot starts crossing over into Harry's life.
I was very surprised at how many funny scenes there were here. The opening audition scene (as two performers have sex on an office floor as phones ring and secretaries walk through), Harry's concern with realism in the film, and Lorraine's casting couch with the actress who does not want to memorize lines all score. Sharon Mitchell reminded me of Ali MacGraw's character in "Just Tell Me What You Want," tossing her hair around and being disgusted at her husband's actions. This being a porno, however, the editing is sloppy. The sound synch is also bad, some actors deliver dialogue without opening their mouths. The music is rather cheesy, sounding like a mid-1970's R-rated sex comedy. Some of the porno actors really shouldn't try to memorize lines, as much of the dialogue is flubbed or obviously dropped.
"Sexcapades" is one of the few porn films where the porn gets in the way of the film. Too bad this didn't end up a mainstream comedy, it might have been one to recommend.
Stats:
(1983) 85 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Henri Pachard
-Screenplay by Henri Pachard, Story by R. Allen Leider
-Cast: Eric Edwards, Sharon Mitchell, Lee Carroll, Mai Lin, Tiffany Clark, Sharon Kane, Joanna Storm, Ashley Welles, Alan Adrian, Michael Bruce, George Payne, Bernie Curtis, McGurk Pachard
(X)
Harry Crocker (Eric Edwards) has left the porn industry to direct documentaries. Seven years later, he has a few awards but no money to show for his decision. Producer Lorraine (Lee Carroll) gives him the chance to make another porn, and some money. Harry's prudish wife, Miriam (a very funny Sharon Mitchell), will have none of it, especially when Harry announces the film will be shot in their home. Soon, the set is a wreck. Scenes are running late, one actress apparently cannot read- which makes line memorization difficult. The Crockers' maid, Mi Ting (Mai Lin), is watching the shoot, and the film's story also involves a man sleeping with his maid. The porn shoot starts crossing over into Harry's life.
I was very surprised at how many funny scenes there were here. The opening audition scene (as two performers have sex on an office floor as phones ring and secretaries walk through), Harry's concern with realism in the film, and Lorraine's casting couch with the actress who does not want to memorize lines all score. Sharon Mitchell reminded me of Ali MacGraw's character in "Just Tell Me What You Want," tossing her hair around and being disgusted at her husband's actions. This being a porno, however, the editing is sloppy. The sound synch is also bad, some actors deliver dialogue without opening their mouths. The music is rather cheesy, sounding like a mid-1970's R-rated sex comedy. Some of the porno actors really shouldn't try to memorize lines, as much of the dialogue is flubbed or obviously dropped.
"Sexcapades" is one of the few porn films where the porn gets in the way of the film. Too bad this didn't end up a mainstream comedy, it might have been one to recommend.
Stats:
(1983) 85 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Henri Pachard
-Screenplay by Henri Pachard, Story by R. Allen Leider
-Cast: Eric Edwards, Sharon Mitchell, Lee Carroll, Mai Lin, Tiffany Clark, Sharon Kane, Joanna Storm, Ashley Welles, Alan Adrian, Michael Bruce, George Payne, Bernie Curtis, McGurk Pachard
(X)
Zombie High (1987)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Virginia Madsen plays high school student Andrea, who is awarded a scholarship to a prestigious boarding school originally attended exclusively by boys. Andrea kisses boyfriend Barry (James Wilder) goodbye, and she moves in with wild roommate Suzi (Sherilyn Fenn). Andrea begins seeing a young, debonair biology teacher (this is so sci-fi), and he makes a clumsy pass at her. Barry finds out and gets upset- the film takes its time setting up its premise. Eventually, different student friends of Andrea's wind up, well, different. The senator's rebellious son, who wanted to quit the school, suddenly becomes the star pupil. All the boys start dressing alike and reciting facts from books, without showing any emotion or feelings. Andrea finds out that cute bio teach Philo (Richard Cox) is really into brains and discovers his diabolical plan.
Despite the sexy dream team of Madsen and Fenn, who have been better in much more, here they are given little to do. Madsen was twenty-four when this was made, and does not pass for a high schooler. The zombies themselves are not much too look at- the students appear a little pasty, and nothing more. "Zombie High" is a misnomer, but I do not think "Brainwashed High" has the same effect. One gaffe has "zombie" students dancing very slowly at a school dance, but still able to sprint across the quad after Barry and Andrea. Lumbering undead like a Romero film, or runners straight out of "28 Days Later"? The film makes no mystery of what is happening behind closed doors in the infirmary, and that is unfortunate. Letting the audience in on the secrets too soon results in a complete lack of suspense. There are no scary scenes. The great production values, great sets, and lots of creepy blue light are all negated because we know exactly what will happen every time a scene begins.
What is left is a very padded ninety-three minute film filled with awful pop music. The end credits anthem is some drivel called "Kiss My Butt." If anything, the viewer may wish that on the people responsible for "Zombie High."
Stats:
(1987) 93 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Ron Link
-Written by Tim Doyle & Aziz Ghazal & Elizabeth Passarelli
-Cast: Virginia Madsen, Richard Cox, Sherilyn Fenn, James Wilder, Kay E. Kuter, Paul Feig, Scott Coffey, Paul Williams, Henry Sutton, Christopher Peters, Clare Carey, Christopher Crews, John Sack
(R)
Virginia Madsen plays high school student Andrea, who is awarded a scholarship to a prestigious boarding school originally attended exclusively by boys. Andrea kisses boyfriend Barry (James Wilder) goodbye, and she moves in with wild roommate Suzi (Sherilyn Fenn). Andrea begins seeing a young, debonair biology teacher (this is so sci-fi), and he makes a clumsy pass at her. Barry finds out and gets upset- the film takes its time setting up its premise. Eventually, different student friends of Andrea's wind up, well, different. The senator's rebellious son, who wanted to quit the school, suddenly becomes the star pupil. All the boys start dressing alike and reciting facts from books, without showing any emotion or feelings. Andrea finds out that cute bio teach Philo (Richard Cox) is really into brains and discovers his diabolical plan.
Despite the sexy dream team of Madsen and Fenn, who have been better in much more, here they are given little to do. Madsen was twenty-four when this was made, and does not pass for a high schooler. The zombies themselves are not much too look at- the students appear a little pasty, and nothing more. "Zombie High" is a misnomer, but I do not think "Brainwashed High" has the same effect. One gaffe has "zombie" students dancing very slowly at a school dance, but still able to sprint across the quad after Barry and Andrea. Lumbering undead like a Romero film, or runners straight out of "28 Days Later"? The film makes no mystery of what is happening behind closed doors in the infirmary, and that is unfortunate. Letting the audience in on the secrets too soon results in a complete lack of suspense. There are no scary scenes. The great production values, great sets, and lots of creepy blue light are all negated because we know exactly what will happen every time a scene begins.
What is left is a very padded ninety-three minute film filled with awful pop music. The end credits anthem is some drivel called "Kiss My Butt." If anything, the viewer may wish that on the people responsible for "Zombie High."
Stats:
(1987) 93 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Ron Link
-Written by Tim Doyle & Aziz Ghazal & Elizabeth Passarelli
-Cast: Virginia Madsen, Richard Cox, Sherilyn Fenn, James Wilder, Kay E. Kuter, Paul Feig, Scott Coffey, Paul Williams, Henry Sutton, Christopher Peters, Clare Carey, Christopher Crews, John Sack
(R)
Villa Rides! (1968)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
From the title, you might think this film was a biography of the infamous revolutionary Pancho Villa. You would be half right.
Russian-born Yul Brynner, unrecognizable with hair and a mustache, is Mexican-born Pancho Villa. He and his right hand man Fierro (American Charles Bronson) and their gang are fighting the troops in support of their president Madero (Canadian-born Alexander Knox). Villa's commanding officer, General Huerta (Czech-born Herbert Lom), is the villain, wanting glory and the country for himself. Madero is eventually assassinated by Huerta, who seats himself as the leader of Mexico, and Villa marches into Mexico City with 50,000 men, and...okay, I don't know what happened, since the closing credits crawl did not tell me.
This film, which is dedicated to Villa and based on a novel, chooses to show some of the more boring aspects of Villa's life. The Madero assassination and Villa's march on Mexico City are all hearsay, not shown on camera. Instead, we get the revolution told from gringo gun runner Lee Arnold's (Robert Mitchum) point of view. Brynner takes a supporting role in Villa's own biography, as we grapple with such boring issues as Arnold's love affair with a pretty Mexican girl (portrayed by an Italian actress), and his own greed. Much like some of the films released in the 1980's dealing with South African apartheid from some white guy's point of view, this film fails because we are supposed to be concerned with how the Mexican Civil War affected an American, not the people who fought it- who are mostly played by non-Mexican performers. Some of the battle sequences are impressive. However, there are some clumsy attempts at humor (Fierro's meals, Villa's piloting skills) that do not work. The screenwriters (Robert Towne and Sam Peckinpah, seriously?) cannot make up their minds about focusing on a main character to watch, and Kulik's one note direction does not help. Cover your eyes for the downright embarrassing flying special effects. Even the musical score is weird, sounding like an Edward D. Wood, Jr. canned soundtrack one minute, then falling completely silent in what should be ideal scenes the next. Francisco Villa was fighting for the people of Mexico. Thanks to a white guy, he began to succeed. What happened to Villa? What happened to Fierro or Huerta, if they existed at all? I should not be expected to do library research to fill in the blanks left by this oddly written film.
"Villa Rides!" and rides, and leaves too many unanswered questions. When a film is dedicated to the subject, what kind of picture are we going to get of the man? In this case, it is a muddy one.
Stats:
(1968) 125 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Buzz Kulik
-Screenplay by Robert Towne and Sam Peckinpah, Adaptation by William Douglas Lansford from his novel
-Cast: Yul Brynner, Robert Mitchum, Charles Bronson, Maria Grazia Buccella, Herbert Lom, Robert Viharo, Frank Wolff, Diana Lorys, Alexander Knox, Robert Carricart, Andres Monreal, Fernando Rey, Julio Pena, Jill Ireland
(R)
From the title, you might think this film was a biography of the infamous revolutionary Pancho Villa. You would be half right.
Russian-born Yul Brynner, unrecognizable with hair and a mustache, is Mexican-born Pancho Villa. He and his right hand man Fierro (American Charles Bronson) and their gang are fighting the troops in support of their president Madero (Canadian-born Alexander Knox). Villa's commanding officer, General Huerta (Czech-born Herbert Lom), is the villain, wanting glory and the country for himself. Madero is eventually assassinated by Huerta, who seats himself as the leader of Mexico, and Villa marches into Mexico City with 50,000 men, and...okay, I don't know what happened, since the closing credits crawl did not tell me.
This film, which is dedicated to Villa and based on a novel, chooses to show some of the more boring aspects of Villa's life. The Madero assassination and Villa's march on Mexico City are all hearsay, not shown on camera. Instead, we get the revolution told from gringo gun runner Lee Arnold's (Robert Mitchum) point of view. Brynner takes a supporting role in Villa's own biography, as we grapple with such boring issues as Arnold's love affair with a pretty Mexican girl (portrayed by an Italian actress), and his own greed. Much like some of the films released in the 1980's dealing with South African apartheid from some white guy's point of view, this film fails because we are supposed to be concerned with how the Mexican Civil War affected an American, not the people who fought it- who are mostly played by non-Mexican performers. Some of the battle sequences are impressive. However, there are some clumsy attempts at humor (Fierro's meals, Villa's piloting skills) that do not work. The screenwriters (Robert Towne and Sam Peckinpah, seriously?) cannot make up their minds about focusing on a main character to watch, and Kulik's one note direction does not help. Cover your eyes for the downright embarrassing flying special effects. Even the musical score is weird, sounding like an Edward D. Wood, Jr. canned soundtrack one minute, then falling completely silent in what should be ideal scenes the next. Francisco Villa was fighting for the people of Mexico. Thanks to a white guy, he began to succeed. What happened to Villa? What happened to Fierro or Huerta, if they existed at all? I should not be expected to do library research to fill in the blanks left by this oddly written film.
"Villa Rides!" and rides, and leaves too many unanswered questions. When a film is dedicated to the subject, what kind of picture are we going to get of the man? In this case, it is a muddy one.
Stats:
(1968) 125 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Buzz Kulik
-Screenplay by Robert Towne and Sam Peckinpah, Adaptation by William Douglas Lansford from his novel
-Cast: Yul Brynner, Robert Mitchum, Charles Bronson, Maria Grazia Buccella, Herbert Lom, Robert Viharo, Frank Wolff, Diana Lorys, Alexander Knox, Robert Carricart, Andres Monreal, Fernando Rey, Julio Pena, Jill Ireland
(R)
The Dead Zone (1983)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Seeing this film almost forty years after my first viewing, it still remains one of the stronger Stephen King adaptations.
Johnny (Christopher Walken) is a mild-mannered English teacher in a chaste relationship with Sarah (Brooke Adams). He is involved in a car accident, and wakes up from a coma five years later. Sarah has understandably moved on, he has no job, and his only friend seems to be his doctor, Weizek (a sympathetic Herbert Lom). Johnny also starts having psychic episodes when he comes in contact with a person through touch, able to see into their past, present, and future. The film then follows Johnny as he tries to adjust to his new life, and begins to gain local celebrity notoriety thanks to helping the police with a series of assaults and murders. Eventually, Johnny runs into bombastic Senate candidate Stillson (Martin Sheen), and his ability to see the future has universal consequences.
Walken and the entire cast does an outstanding job in their roles. Cronenberg proves he isn't just a gross-out director, he can pull some great performances from a massive, recognizable supporting cast. The film isn't as epic as I remembered, but its smallness works in its favor. Screenwriter Jeffrey Boam was able to turn Stephen King's novel into a lean, empathetic drama with some horror and fantasy elements, and Cronenberg makes the most of every minute of film. Michael Kamen's memorable score is melancholy, showing us Johnny's plight, and the snowy locations (this was shot in Canada) are nothing short of chilling and awesome. This was an early adaptation of Stephen King's works, I read the novel back in the early 1980s and should re-read it today, and I loved it. King was one of my writing inspirations, and this film was icing on the cake. Later spawned a television series.
Stats:
(1983) 103 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by David Cronenberg
-Screenplay by Jeffrey Boam from the novel by Stephen King
-Cast: Christopher Walken, Brooke Adams, Tom Skerritt, Herbert Lom, Martin Sheen, Anthony Zerbe, Colleen Dewhurst, Nicholas Campbell, Sean Sullivan, Jackie Burroughs, Geza Kovacs, Roberta Weiss, Simon Craig
(R)- Contains physical violence, gun violence, brief sexual violence, gore, brief female nudity, some sexual references, strong adult situations, alcohol use
Seeing this film almost forty years after my first viewing, it still remains one of the stronger Stephen King adaptations.
Johnny (Christopher Walken) is a mild-mannered English teacher in a chaste relationship with Sarah (Brooke Adams). He is involved in a car accident, and wakes up from a coma five years later. Sarah has understandably moved on, he has no job, and his only friend seems to be his doctor, Weizek (a sympathetic Herbert Lom). Johnny also starts having psychic episodes when he comes in contact with a person through touch, able to see into their past, present, and future. The film then follows Johnny as he tries to adjust to his new life, and begins to gain local celebrity notoriety thanks to helping the police with a series of assaults and murders. Eventually, Johnny runs into bombastic Senate candidate Stillson (Martin Sheen), and his ability to see the future has universal consequences.
Walken and the entire cast does an outstanding job in their roles. Cronenberg proves he isn't just a gross-out director, he can pull some great performances from a massive, recognizable supporting cast. The film isn't as epic as I remembered, but its smallness works in its favor. Screenwriter Jeffrey Boam was able to turn Stephen King's novel into a lean, empathetic drama with some horror and fantasy elements, and Cronenberg makes the most of every minute of film. Michael Kamen's memorable score is melancholy, showing us Johnny's plight, and the snowy locations (this was shot in Canada) are nothing short of chilling and awesome. This was an early adaptation of Stephen King's works, I read the novel back in the early 1980s and should re-read it today, and I loved it. King was one of my writing inspirations, and this film was icing on the cake. Later spawned a television series.
Stats:
(1983) 103 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by David Cronenberg
-Screenplay by Jeffrey Boam from the novel by Stephen King
-Cast: Christopher Walken, Brooke Adams, Tom Skerritt, Herbert Lom, Martin Sheen, Anthony Zerbe, Colleen Dewhurst, Nicholas Campbell, Sean Sullivan, Jackie Burroughs, Geza Kovacs, Roberta Weiss, Simon Craig
(R)- Contains physical violence, gun violence, brief sexual violence, gore, brief female nudity, some sexual references, strong adult situations, alcohol use
Tuesday, March 11, 2025
Casino Royale (1967)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Over the years, I have watched this film twice. It's still a disaster of the highest caliber.
A retired James Bond (David Niven, creator Ian Fleming's original inspiration for 007) is called back into duty to battle SMERSH. The world has recruited a bunch of different people to pose as Bond, including Evelyn Tremble (Peter Sellers), who will eventually do battle playing cards, and matching wits, with the evil Le Chiffre (Orson Welles, who would have made a fantastic villain in a real James Bond film).
Sorry, but although the screenwriters, credited and uncredited, were inspired by Fleming's first Bond novel, the plot is non-existent and difficult. I'm not sure why half a dozen or so directors were needed, and the film lets down one of the greatest casts ever assembled onscreen. This should have been so much more, the money is certainly there, but I was bored stupid. A second viewing after my first- twenty years before- took me three days to get through. The only laughs come from what must have been Woody Allen's desperate ad-libs to try and salvage his scenes. I was embarrassed for Niven and Kerr, Welles isn't in this long enough, and Sellers looks (and was) miserable. The behind-the-scenes drama: the quittings, the firings, the walk-outs, and the waste of money is more compelling than the film.
On a positive note, the art direction and set decoration is amazing and should have received Oscar notice. Burt Bacharach's score is repetitious and annoying, but his and Hal David's song "The Look of Love" is beautiful. The Bond franchise is ripe for spoofing, just look at the Austin Powers and Johnny English films. This isn't really a James Bond film per se, but it is a curiosity for completists. It's also awful, one of the biggest bombs in movie history, a train wreck that you can't look away from.
Consider me shaken, not stirred.
Stats:
(1967) 131 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Val Guest, Ken Hughes, John Huston, Joseph McGrath, Robert Parrish
-Screenplay by Wolf Mankowitz & John Law & Michael Sayers, suggested by the novel by Ian Fleming
-Cast: David Niven, Peter Sellers, Ursula Andress, Orson Welles, Joanna Pettet, Daliah Lavi, Woody Allen, Deborah Kerr, William Holden, Charles Boyer, John Huston, George Raft, Kurt Kasznar, Jean-Paul Belmondo, Jacqueline Bisset
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Song- "The Look of Love" (lost to "Doctor Dolittle" for "Talk to the Animals")
*BAFTA*
-Best British Costume- Colour (lost to "A Man for All Seasons")
Over the years, I have watched this film twice. It's still a disaster of the highest caliber.
A retired James Bond (David Niven, creator Ian Fleming's original inspiration for 007) is called back into duty to battle SMERSH. The world has recruited a bunch of different people to pose as Bond, including Evelyn Tremble (Peter Sellers), who will eventually do battle playing cards, and matching wits, with the evil Le Chiffre (Orson Welles, who would have made a fantastic villain in a real James Bond film).
Sorry, but although the screenwriters, credited and uncredited, were inspired by Fleming's first Bond novel, the plot is non-existent and difficult. I'm not sure why half a dozen or so directors were needed, and the film lets down one of the greatest casts ever assembled onscreen. This should have been so much more, the money is certainly there, but I was bored stupid. A second viewing after my first- twenty years before- took me three days to get through. The only laughs come from what must have been Woody Allen's desperate ad-libs to try and salvage his scenes. I was embarrassed for Niven and Kerr, Welles isn't in this long enough, and Sellers looks (and was) miserable. The behind-the-scenes drama: the quittings, the firings, the walk-outs, and the waste of money is more compelling than the film.
On a positive note, the art direction and set decoration is amazing and should have received Oscar notice. Burt Bacharach's score is repetitious and annoying, but his and Hal David's song "The Look of Love" is beautiful. The Bond franchise is ripe for spoofing, just look at the Austin Powers and Johnny English films. This isn't really a James Bond film per se, but it is a curiosity for completists. It's also awful, one of the biggest bombs in movie history, a train wreck that you can't look away from.
Consider me shaken, not stirred.
Stats:
(1967) 131 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Val Guest, Ken Hughes, John Huston, Joseph McGrath, Robert Parrish
-Screenplay by Wolf Mankowitz & John Law & Michael Sayers, suggested by the novel by Ian Fleming
-Cast: David Niven, Peter Sellers, Ursula Andress, Orson Welles, Joanna Pettet, Daliah Lavi, Woody Allen, Deborah Kerr, William Holden, Charles Boyer, John Huston, George Raft, Kurt Kasznar, Jean-Paul Belmondo, Jacqueline Bisset
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Song- "The Look of Love" (lost to "Doctor Dolittle" for "Talk to the Animals")
*BAFTA*
-Best British Costume- Colour (lost to "A Man for All Seasons")
The Ladykillers (1955)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This 1950's comedy is a bleak and funny affair that may not have you laughing out loud, but certainly smiling. Mrs. Wilberforce (Katie Johnson) lives alone in her surreal-looking house that was never repaired after the World War II bombings, occasionally bothering the local police with stories of UFO's and tales of the past. Professor Marcus (Alec Guinness) rents a room from her, and has four friends over to "practice" as a string quintet. In actuality, the five men are planning a heist, and they plan to use the sweet old lady as an unknowing participant.
While "The Ladykillers" does suffer from a few slow spots, the characters are some of the smartest dumb people ever put onscreen. Katie Johnson is simply wonderful, acting with such little effort, she is extraordinary. Her character is not some obligatory old battle axe, or befuddled grandma, but simply a lonely old woman who has lived quite a life. She takes in Marcus for the company more than the rent money. Marcus is a creepy looking man. I was reminded of John Barrymore's Mr. Hyde when ever Marcus would smile with those giant teeth, trying to keep the unruly hair out of his face. The other four robbers have great characterization, not just character traits. Lom is the cool, methodical criminal Louis. Sellers is Harry, the youngest, but no newbie to crime. Cecil Parker plays Claude as a panicky man ready to go out of the window on a moment's notice, and Danny Green is dumb One-Round, tired of being called dumb, and has the most respect for Wilberforce. Mackendrick's direction is astounding. Marcus' opening scenes, where he is simply a shadow at Wilberforce's windows, is creepy and memorable. Watching the men get along as well as they can, then the relationships begin to crumble as the old lady keeps getting in the way, is interesting as well as natural. This is not an ordinary heist picture, the characters all make up for the flaws, especially a number of slow moving scenes that do nothing for the plot.
"The Ladykillers" was remade by the Coen brothers with Tom Hanks in the film, and that was a letdown considering the talent involved. A look back at the original proves to be entertaining.
Stats:
(1955) 91 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Alexander Mackendrick
-Story and Screenplay by William Rose
-Cast: Alec Guinness, Peter Sellers, Cecil Parker, Herbert Lom, Danny Green, Katie Johnson, Jack Warner, Philip Stainton, Frankie Howerd, Madge Brindley, Helene Burls, Jimmy Charters, Kenneth Connor
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Screenplay (lost to "The Red Balloon")
*BAFTA*
-Best British Film (lost to "Richard III")
-Best Film from Any Source (lost to "Richard III")
-Best British Actress- Katie Johnson (won)
-Best British Screenplay (won)
This 1950's comedy is a bleak and funny affair that may not have you laughing out loud, but certainly smiling. Mrs. Wilberforce (Katie Johnson) lives alone in her surreal-looking house that was never repaired after the World War II bombings, occasionally bothering the local police with stories of UFO's and tales of the past. Professor Marcus (Alec Guinness) rents a room from her, and has four friends over to "practice" as a string quintet. In actuality, the five men are planning a heist, and they plan to use the sweet old lady as an unknowing participant.
While "The Ladykillers" does suffer from a few slow spots, the characters are some of the smartest dumb people ever put onscreen. Katie Johnson is simply wonderful, acting with such little effort, she is extraordinary. Her character is not some obligatory old battle axe, or befuddled grandma, but simply a lonely old woman who has lived quite a life. She takes in Marcus for the company more than the rent money. Marcus is a creepy looking man. I was reminded of John Barrymore's Mr. Hyde when ever Marcus would smile with those giant teeth, trying to keep the unruly hair out of his face. The other four robbers have great characterization, not just character traits. Lom is the cool, methodical criminal Louis. Sellers is Harry, the youngest, but no newbie to crime. Cecil Parker plays Claude as a panicky man ready to go out of the window on a moment's notice, and Danny Green is dumb One-Round, tired of being called dumb, and has the most respect for Wilberforce. Mackendrick's direction is astounding. Marcus' opening scenes, where he is simply a shadow at Wilberforce's windows, is creepy and memorable. Watching the men get along as well as they can, then the relationships begin to crumble as the old lady keeps getting in the way, is interesting as well as natural. This is not an ordinary heist picture, the characters all make up for the flaws, especially a number of slow moving scenes that do nothing for the plot.
"The Ladykillers" was remade by the Coen brothers with Tom Hanks in the film, and that was a letdown considering the talent involved. A look back at the original proves to be entertaining.
Stats:
(1955) 91 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Alexander Mackendrick
-Story and Screenplay by William Rose
-Cast: Alec Guinness, Peter Sellers, Cecil Parker, Herbert Lom, Danny Green, Katie Johnson, Jack Warner, Philip Stainton, Frankie Howerd, Madge Brindley, Helene Burls, Jimmy Charters, Kenneth Connor
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Screenplay (lost to "The Red Balloon")
*BAFTA*
-Best British Film (lost to "Richard III")
-Best Film from Any Source (lost to "Richard III")
-Best British Actress- Katie Johnson (won)
-Best British Screenplay (won)
Sunday, March 9, 2025
Trail of the Pink Panther (1982)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
After Peter Sellers died, Blake Edwards shot this monstrosity around unused footage of Inspector Jacques Clouseau from previous films. Here, Clouseau is missing and reporter Marie (Joanna Lumley) investigates, visiting family, former friends, and enemies of the inspector. If Edwards meant this as a tribute, then he is way off base as tired footage from previous films is unsuccessfully intercut with Marie's investigation. Very sad. Followed by "Curse of the Pink Panther."
Stats:
(1982) 96 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Frank Waldman & Tom Waldman & Blake Edwards & Geoffrey Edwards, Story by Blake Edwards
-Cast: Peter Sellers, David Niven, Herbert Lom, Richard Mulligan, Joanna Lumley, Capucine, Robert Loggia, Harvey Korman, Burt Kwouk, Graham Stark, Peter Arne, Andre Maranne, Ronald Fraser
(PG)
After Peter Sellers died, Blake Edwards shot this monstrosity around unused footage of Inspector Jacques Clouseau from previous films. Here, Clouseau is missing and reporter Marie (Joanna Lumley) investigates, visiting family, former friends, and enemies of the inspector. If Edwards meant this as a tribute, then he is way off base as tired footage from previous films is unsuccessfully intercut with Marie's investigation. Very sad. Followed by "Curse of the Pink Panther."
Stats:
(1982) 96 min. (*) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Frank Waldman & Tom Waldman & Blake Edwards & Geoffrey Edwards, Story by Blake Edwards
-Cast: Peter Sellers, David Niven, Herbert Lom, Richard Mulligan, Joanna Lumley, Capucine, Robert Loggia, Harvey Korman, Burt Kwouk, Graham Stark, Peter Arne, Andre Maranne, Ronald Fraser
(PG)
Revenge of the Pink Panther (1978)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
The last film to feature original footage of Peter Sellers as Jacques Clouseau, and the weakest.
A multinational conglomerate and the mob all want Clouseau dead, and they think they have succeeded in killing him, so he teams with the company's boss' (Robert Webber) former secretary Simone (Dyan Cannon) to catch the bad guys in Hong Kong. There is an over-reliance on Clouseau in disguise, perhaps to hide an ailing Sellers, who suffered from a heart condition and died at the young age of 55 just two years after this film's release. The rest of this just is not very funny, or interesting. Followed by "Trail of the Pink Panther."
Stats:
(1978) 99 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Frank Waldman & Bob Clark and Blake Edwards, Story by Blake Edwards
-Cast: Peter Sellers, Herbert Lom, Burt Kwouk, Dyan Cannon, Robert Webber, Tony Beckley, Robert Loggia, Paul Stewart, Andre Maranne, Graham Stark, Alfie Bass, Sue Lloyd, Danny Schiller
(PG)
The last film to feature original footage of Peter Sellers as Jacques Clouseau, and the weakest.
A multinational conglomerate and the mob all want Clouseau dead, and they think they have succeeded in killing him, so he teams with the company's boss' (Robert Webber) former secretary Simone (Dyan Cannon) to catch the bad guys in Hong Kong. There is an over-reliance on Clouseau in disguise, perhaps to hide an ailing Sellers, who suffered from a heart condition and died at the young age of 55 just two years after this film's release. The rest of this just is not very funny, or interesting. Followed by "Trail of the Pink Panther."
Stats:
(1978) 99 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Frank Waldman & Bob Clark and Blake Edwards, Story by Blake Edwards
-Cast: Peter Sellers, Herbert Lom, Burt Kwouk, Dyan Cannon, Robert Webber, Tony Beckley, Robert Loggia, Paul Stewart, Andre Maranne, Graham Stark, Alfie Bass, Sue Lloyd, Danny Schiller
(PG)
The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) finally goes off the deep end, and builds a doomsday device in order to kill one man- Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau (Peter Seller). This may be one of the silliest films ever made, with hit-and-miss gags, but you can see where the inspiration for Mike Myers' Austin Powers series comes from. Weak special effects do not help, although a Tom Jones song has never been used in a funnier manner. Followed by "Revenge of the Pink Panther."
Stats:
(1976) 103 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Frank Waldman and Blake Edwards
-Cast: Peter Sellers, Herbert Lom, Lesley-Anne Down, Burt Kwouk, Colin Blakely, Leonard Rossiter, Andre Maranne, Byron Kane, Omar Sharif, Dick Crockett, Richard Vernon, Briony McRoberts, Dudley Sutton
(PG)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Song- "Come to Me" (lost to "Evergreen (Love Theme from 'A Star is Born')- "A Star is Born")
Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) finally goes off the deep end, and builds a doomsday device in order to kill one man- Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau (Peter Seller). This may be one of the silliest films ever made, with hit-and-miss gags, but you can see where the inspiration for Mike Myers' Austin Powers series comes from. Weak special effects do not help, although a Tom Jones song has never been used in a funnier manner. Followed by "Revenge of the Pink Panther."
Stats:
(1976) 103 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Frank Waldman and Blake Edwards
-Cast: Peter Sellers, Herbert Lom, Lesley-Anne Down, Burt Kwouk, Colin Blakely, Leonard Rossiter, Andre Maranne, Byron Kane, Omar Sharif, Dick Crockett, Richard Vernon, Briony McRoberts, Dudley Sutton
(PG)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Song- "Come to Me" (lost to "Evergreen (Love Theme from 'A Star is Born')- "A Star is Born")
A Shot in the Dark (1964)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
My favorite Inspector Clouseau film has the nitwit investigating a series of murders at a mansion owned by Benjamin Ballon (George Sanders). The maid Maria (Elke Sommer) is suspected, and Clouseau falls for her despite the overwhelming evidence that she is guilty.
A wonderful balance of slapstick and characterization, with classic scenes all around. In "Son of Pink Panther," Claudia Cardinale plays Maria, confusing anyone who followed the series. This film also first introduced Clouseau's boss Charles Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) and manservant Kato (Burt Kwouk). Followed by the non-series entry "Inspector Clouseau" with Alan Arkin, and "The Return of the Pink Panther."
Stats:
(1964) 102 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Blake Edwards and William Peter Blatty, based on the stage play by Harry Kurnitz, from the play "L'Idiote" by Marcel Achard
-Cast: Peter Sellers, Elke Sommer, George Sanders, Herbert Lom, Tracy Reed, Graham Stark, Burt Kwouk, Moira Redmond, Vanda Godsell, Maurice Kaufmann, Ann Lynn, David Lodge, Martin Benson
(Not Rated)
*BAFTA*
-Best British Costume-Colour (lost to "Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines or How I Flew from London to Paris in 25 Hours 11 Minutes")
My favorite Inspector Clouseau film has the nitwit investigating a series of murders at a mansion owned by Benjamin Ballon (George Sanders). The maid Maria (Elke Sommer) is suspected, and Clouseau falls for her despite the overwhelming evidence that she is guilty.
A wonderful balance of slapstick and characterization, with classic scenes all around. In "Son of Pink Panther," Claudia Cardinale plays Maria, confusing anyone who followed the series. This film also first introduced Clouseau's boss Charles Dreyfus (Herbert Lom) and manservant Kato (Burt Kwouk). Followed by the non-series entry "Inspector Clouseau" with Alan Arkin, and "The Return of the Pink Panther."
Stats:
(1964) 102 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Blake Edwards and William Peter Blatty, based on the stage play by Harry Kurnitz, from the play "L'Idiote" by Marcel Achard
-Cast: Peter Sellers, Elke Sommer, George Sanders, Herbert Lom, Tracy Reed, Graham Stark, Burt Kwouk, Moira Redmond, Vanda Godsell, Maurice Kaufmann, Ann Lynn, David Lodge, Martin Benson
(Not Rated)
*BAFTA*
-Best British Costume-Colour (lost to "Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines or How I Flew from London to Paris in 25 Hours 11 Minutes")
Saturday, March 8, 2025
The Pink Panther (1963)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
The first Pink Panther film has Peter Sellers as Inspector Jacques Clouseau reduced to a supporting role, as the film makers were not aware that his character would be such a hit.
Sir Charles Lytton (David Niven), rumored to be the notorious cat burglar "The Phantom" woos The Princess (the drop dead stunningly gorgeous Claudia Cardinale) who also happens to own the Pink Panther, the world's largest diamond. Inspector Clouseau investigates, not aware that his own wife Simone (Capucine) is conspiring with Sir Charles.
Since Niven is the star of the film, he has the most scenes, and some of the slowest ones. Edwards' trademark slapstick is underwhelming in this tepid sex comedy- watch for the seduction scene between Sir Charles, The Princess, and a tiger skin rug that literally goes on forever, and had me checking my dormant VCR clock. I do recommend the lovely scenery, all in glorious widescreen. Followed by the superior "A Shot in the Dark."
Stats:
(1963) 115 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Maurice Richlin & Blake Edwards
-Cast: David Niven, Peter Sellers, Robert Wagner, Capucine, Claudia Cardinale, Brenda de Banzie, Colin Gordon, John Le Mesurier, James Lanphier, Guy Thomajan, Michael Trubshawe, Riccardo Billi, Meri Welles
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Score (lost to "Mary Poppins")
*BAFTA*
-Best British Actor- Peter Sellers (also for "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb") (lost to Richard Attenborough for "Guns at Batasi" and "Seance on a Wet Afternoon")
The first Pink Panther film has Peter Sellers as Inspector Jacques Clouseau reduced to a supporting role, as the film makers were not aware that his character would be such a hit.
Sir Charles Lytton (David Niven), rumored to be the notorious cat burglar "The Phantom" woos The Princess (the drop dead stunningly gorgeous Claudia Cardinale) who also happens to own the Pink Panther, the world's largest diamond. Inspector Clouseau investigates, not aware that his own wife Simone (Capucine) is conspiring with Sir Charles.
Since Niven is the star of the film, he has the most scenes, and some of the slowest ones. Edwards' trademark slapstick is underwhelming in this tepid sex comedy- watch for the seduction scene between Sir Charles, The Princess, and a tiger skin rug that literally goes on forever, and had me checking my dormant VCR clock. I do recommend the lovely scenery, all in glorious widescreen. Followed by the superior "A Shot in the Dark."
Stats:
(1963) 115 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Blake Edwards
-Screenplay by Maurice Richlin & Blake Edwards
-Cast: David Niven, Peter Sellers, Robert Wagner, Capucine, Claudia Cardinale, Brenda de Banzie, Colin Gordon, John Le Mesurier, James Lanphier, Guy Thomajan, Michael Trubshawe, Riccardo Billi, Meri Welles
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Original Score (lost to "Mary Poppins")
*BAFTA*
-Best British Actor- Peter Sellers (also for "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb") (lost to Richard Attenborough for "Guns at Batasi" and "Seance on a Wet Afternoon")
Billy Madison (1995)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
After suffering through "Bedtime Stories," I had low expectations for "Billy Madison." Boy, was I wrong.
Sandler's first breakout hit grabs the viewer by the heart and never lets go! His inspirational performance as a profoundly mentally retarded man who must repeat all of his school years in order to get a job will have you on your feet and cheering! Sandler should have received an Oscar nomination, reaching deep down inside of himself to make Billy Madison both an anti-hero and an icon to the meek everywhere! If Billy can find love, laughter, and sympathy in this big bad world, then all of us should become a Billy Madison, forging our own way in this dog-eat-dog existence!
(*Sarcasm. This sucked; worst comedy released in the last three decades. Watching this made me want to take up cutting myself. I can't believe I married a woman who bought this on purpose.*)
Stats:
(1995) 89 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Tamra Davis
-Written by Tim Herlihy & Adam Sandler
-Cast: Adam Sandler, Darren McGavin, Bridgette Wilson-Sampras, Bradley Whitford, Josh Mostel, Norm MacDonald, Mark Beltzman, Larry Hankin, Theresa Merritt, Dina Platias, Hrant Alianak, Vincent Marino, Jack Mather
(PG-13)
After suffering through "Bedtime Stories," I had low expectations for "Billy Madison." Boy, was I wrong.
Sandler's first breakout hit grabs the viewer by the heart and never lets go! His inspirational performance as a profoundly mentally retarded man who must repeat all of his school years in order to get a job will have you on your feet and cheering! Sandler should have received an Oscar nomination, reaching deep down inside of himself to make Billy Madison both an anti-hero and an icon to the meek everywhere! If Billy can find love, laughter, and sympathy in this big bad world, then all of us should become a Billy Madison, forging our own way in this dog-eat-dog existence!
(*Sarcasm. This sucked; worst comedy released in the last three decades. Watching this made me want to take up cutting myself. I can't believe I married a woman who bought this on purpose.*)
Stats:
(1995) 89 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Tamra Davis
-Written by Tim Herlihy & Adam Sandler
-Cast: Adam Sandler, Darren McGavin, Bridgette Wilson-Sampras, Bradley Whitford, Josh Mostel, Norm MacDonald, Mark Beltzman, Larry Hankin, Theresa Merritt, Dina Platias, Hrant Alianak, Vincent Marino, Jack Mather
(PG-13)
Beer Muscles (2004)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Writer/director/actor Griffin Marks delivers a rarity- a microbudget shot-on-video comedy that is actually pretty funny.
Bob (Bill Booker) is the bartender at Al's (Tom Davison) Bar, located in Al's basement. He is secretly in love with Al's daughter, Dorris (Carmen Jessee), and is trying to get his friend Trent's (Matt McGuire, who steals all of his scenes) job back as a busboy. But things are not all free-flowing and merry in the town of Barleyville. The evil M. Pino Grigio (director Marks) has invented a machine that will evaporate the town's supply of beer so his winery will succeed. He does just that, and Barleyville suffers. Al has died, and now the bar closes. Luckily, Bob has discovered a secreted case of Al's home brewed Al's Ale, and drinks them. Suddenly, he has super powers, and assumes the heroic name- Bob. Trent becomes his sidekick "Giant Balls," and the duo go on a hunt for truth, justice, and beer.
Sound stupid? It is, and it is funnier than almost any comedy that came out that year. While the term "shot-on-video" may have you running from your own home, Marks does an excellent job with the sound; I actually heard all of the dialogue. Something rare for a microbudget film, he also goes OUTSIDE. The location shooting is terrific. The leads are really funny. Booker is no one's idea of a hero, but he is great as everyguy Bob. McGuire is a scream, with incredible comic timing and delivery. Marks gives himself a supporting role that reminded me of Seth Green, and also scores. Jessee is also sweet as Dorris, and her scenes with Bob are good. The supporting cast runs hot and cold, but the characters are hilarious: the town sheriff who can't find his gun, Grigio's put-upon sidekick Willie (Jesse Dunston), the guy who opens a strip club in his living room (Kirt's House of Ass), Bob's possibly gay dad- all are very funny. I thought the finale was a little rushed and sloppier than the first two-thirds of the film, the editing was not as tight and some of the jokes fell flat. However, there was enough humor and beer drinking around to make this a fun time.
"Beer Muscles" provides plenty of moments, and opportune drinking games. It also gives microbudget film making a good name, and this comes from the reviewer who sat through "Ax 'Em" and "Asylum of Terror," and lived to write about them. Cheers to "Beer Muscles."
Stats:
(2004) 90 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Griffin Marks
-Cast: Bill Booker, Carmen Jessee, Matt McGuire, Griffin Marks, Jesse Dunstan, Mark Zimmerman, Tom Davison, Bo Wetzel, Steve Sherwin, Rick Messinese, George Muller, Bill Peach, Corey A. Davison
(Not Rated)
Writer/director/actor Griffin Marks delivers a rarity- a microbudget shot-on-video comedy that is actually pretty funny.
Bob (Bill Booker) is the bartender at Al's (Tom Davison) Bar, located in Al's basement. He is secretly in love with Al's daughter, Dorris (Carmen Jessee), and is trying to get his friend Trent's (Matt McGuire, who steals all of his scenes) job back as a busboy. But things are not all free-flowing and merry in the town of Barleyville. The evil M. Pino Grigio (director Marks) has invented a machine that will evaporate the town's supply of beer so his winery will succeed. He does just that, and Barleyville suffers. Al has died, and now the bar closes. Luckily, Bob has discovered a secreted case of Al's home brewed Al's Ale, and drinks them. Suddenly, he has super powers, and assumes the heroic name- Bob. Trent becomes his sidekick "Giant Balls," and the duo go on a hunt for truth, justice, and beer.
Sound stupid? It is, and it is funnier than almost any comedy that came out that year. While the term "shot-on-video" may have you running from your own home, Marks does an excellent job with the sound; I actually heard all of the dialogue. Something rare for a microbudget film, he also goes OUTSIDE. The location shooting is terrific. The leads are really funny. Booker is no one's idea of a hero, but he is great as everyguy Bob. McGuire is a scream, with incredible comic timing and delivery. Marks gives himself a supporting role that reminded me of Seth Green, and also scores. Jessee is also sweet as Dorris, and her scenes with Bob are good. The supporting cast runs hot and cold, but the characters are hilarious: the town sheriff who can't find his gun, Grigio's put-upon sidekick Willie (Jesse Dunston), the guy who opens a strip club in his living room (Kirt's House of Ass), Bob's possibly gay dad- all are very funny. I thought the finale was a little rushed and sloppier than the first two-thirds of the film, the editing was not as tight and some of the jokes fell flat. However, there was enough humor and beer drinking around to make this a fun time.
"Beer Muscles" provides plenty of moments, and opportune drinking games. It also gives microbudget film making a good name, and this comes from the reviewer who sat through "Ax 'Em" and "Asylum of Terror," and lived to write about them. Cheers to "Beer Muscles."
Stats:
(2004) 90 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Griffin Marks
-Cast: Bill Booker, Carmen Jessee, Matt McGuire, Griffin Marks, Jesse Dunstan, Mark Zimmerman, Tom Davison, Bo Wetzel, Steve Sherwin, Rick Messinese, George Muller, Bill Peach, Corey A. Davison
(Not Rated)
Bedtime Stories (2008)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
I've never been an Adam Sandler fan. I avoided most of his movies over the years, and I barely remember his time on "Saturday Night Live"- it's easy to forget uninspired characters like Opera Man and...hm, don't remember any others...
Sandler plays a doofus who must take care of his sister's uptight children. He begins telling them bedtime stories, and they reciprocate. Elements of the fantastic stories start coming true in real life, or is it a coincidence? I don't think the film makers themselves were sure. Sandler does his same-old same-old, but since this is a children's film, adults have to suffer through fart and booger jokes, and await the predictable ending, along with a set-up for a sequel that never materialized. I was laughing at the villainous Guy Pearce and Lucy Lawless through the first quarter of the film. They were pretty funny until the fantasy elements of the story took over. Also taking over is some lame computer-generated special effects, which looks like it was done on someone's free sample software program. Call me crazy, but a bug-eyed guinea pig isn't that rib-tickling, no matter how long you have it onscreen. Because the film is predictable, it is also boring. It took me three days to watch this, and I almost burst into tears when I realized I was only halfway through at one point.
Stats:
(2008) 99 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Adam Shankman
-Screenplay by Matt Lopez and Tim Herlihy, Story by Matt Lopez
-Cast: Adam Sandler, Keri Russell, Courteney Cox, Guy Pearce, Russell Brand, Lucy Lawless, Richard Griffiths, Jonathan Pryce, Nick Swardson, Teresa Palmer, Jonathan Morgan Heit, Laura Ann Kesling
(PG)
I've never been an Adam Sandler fan. I avoided most of his movies over the years, and I barely remember his time on "Saturday Night Live"- it's easy to forget uninspired characters like Opera Man and...hm, don't remember any others...
Sandler plays a doofus who must take care of his sister's uptight children. He begins telling them bedtime stories, and they reciprocate. Elements of the fantastic stories start coming true in real life, or is it a coincidence? I don't think the film makers themselves were sure. Sandler does his same-old same-old, but since this is a children's film, adults have to suffer through fart and booger jokes, and await the predictable ending, along with a set-up for a sequel that never materialized. I was laughing at the villainous Guy Pearce and Lucy Lawless through the first quarter of the film. They were pretty funny until the fantasy elements of the story took over. Also taking over is some lame computer-generated special effects, which looks like it was done on someone's free sample software program. Call me crazy, but a bug-eyed guinea pig isn't that rib-tickling, no matter how long you have it onscreen. Because the film is predictable, it is also boring. It took me three days to watch this, and I almost burst into tears when I realized I was only halfway through at one point.
Stats:
(2008) 99 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Adam Shankman
-Screenplay by Matt Lopez and Tim Herlihy, Story by Matt Lopez
-Cast: Adam Sandler, Keri Russell, Courteney Cox, Guy Pearce, Russell Brand, Lucy Lawless, Richard Griffiths, Jonathan Pryce, Nick Swardson, Teresa Palmer, Jonathan Morgan Heit, Laura Ann Kesling
(PG)
Friday, March 7, 2025
Because I Said So (2007)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This monstrosity is about an overbearing mother (Diane Keaton) going online to find a mate for her quirky daughter (Mandy Moore), settling on an architect (Tom Everett Scott). A hipster musician (Gabriel Macht) makes a play for quirky daughter, and now she's bedding both dudes (possible STD infestations be damned) and fighting with Mom, and her feelings for the men.
Instead of playing her role as overbearing, Keaton chose to interpret her character as the same stuttering ditz she played in the equally terrible "The First Wives Club." I remember when Keaton was an amazing actress- not so much anymore. The film makers put her through a bunch of slapstick situations that are embarrassing for performer and viewer. Entire scenes unravel to the point where I had to pause the DVD, turn to my wife, and ask "what is this? what am I witnessing here?" Really? We need to throw in a freaking musical number, too? Before you argue that I don't get this because I don't have the right genitalia, I am hard-pressed to think of any film relationship between parent and child that is this poorly written and acted. Moore brings her same old scrunchy-eyebrow, pouty-lipped performance, going schizophrenic in singular scenes. Her paramours' reactions to finding out they are being cheated on with each other falls flat, as do all of the "hilarious" set-pieces. I kept having to remind myself this was a comedy; one of many low points coming when Keaton loses her voice for no other reason other than writing notes to supporting characters is funnier- I guess?
Stats:
(2007) 102 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Michael Lehmann
-Written by Karen Leigh Hopkins & Jessie Nelson
-Cast: Diane Keaton, Mandy Moore, Tom Everett Scott, Gabriel Macht, Lauren Graham, Piper Perabo, Stephen Collins, Ty Panitz, Matt Champagne, Colin Ferguson, Tony Hale, Sophina Brown, Karen Leigh Hopkins
(PG-13)
This monstrosity is about an overbearing mother (Diane Keaton) going online to find a mate for her quirky daughter (Mandy Moore), settling on an architect (Tom Everett Scott). A hipster musician (Gabriel Macht) makes a play for quirky daughter, and now she's bedding both dudes (possible STD infestations be damned) and fighting with Mom, and her feelings for the men.
Instead of playing her role as overbearing, Keaton chose to interpret her character as the same stuttering ditz she played in the equally terrible "The First Wives Club." I remember when Keaton was an amazing actress- not so much anymore. The film makers put her through a bunch of slapstick situations that are embarrassing for performer and viewer. Entire scenes unravel to the point where I had to pause the DVD, turn to my wife, and ask "what is this? what am I witnessing here?" Really? We need to throw in a freaking musical number, too? Before you argue that I don't get this because I don't have the right genitalia, I am hard-pressed to think of any film relationship between parent and child that is this poorly written and acted. Moore brings her same old scrunchy-eyebrow, pouty-lipped performance, going schizophrenic in singular scenes. Her paramours' reactions to finding out they are being cheated on with each other falls flat, as do all of the "hilarious" set-pieces. I kept having to remind myself this was a comedy; one of many low points coming when Keaton loses her voice for no other reason other than writing notes to supporting characters is funnier- I guess?
Stats:
(2007) 102 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Michael Lehmann
-Written by Karen Leigh Hopkins & Jessie Nelson
-Cast: Diane Keaton, Mandy Moore, Tom Everett Scott, Gabriel Macht, Lauren Graham, Piper Perabo, Stephen Collins, Ty Panitz, Matt Champagne, Colin Ferguson, Tony Hale, Sophina Brown, Karen Leigh Hopkins
(PG-13)
Thursday, March 6, 2025
The Bare Wench Project (2000)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
What can you say about a film that makes "The Erotic Witch Project" look like "Schindler's List"?
Again, the plot and characters are secondary, but the plot is almost an exact copy of "TEWP." Four buxom sorority sisters and a goofy male guide enter a forest to look for the Bare Wench (Julie Strain), and the women become sexually charged. The Bare Wench leaves porno devices and a blow-up doll, just like in "TEWP." They get lost, the doofus gets lost, and the girls find their way back to their hotel. There they reenact the end of "The Blair Witch Project," as cameras are dropped and the guide is seen playing hopscotch, a game integral to the thin plot.
At least three of the sorority sisters here have unnaturally large breasts full of dimples and stretch marks, along with rather obvious surgery scars. The one "natural" gal here is humiliated by the director. In a very unfunny and overlong end credit segment, outtake scenes where she could not get a line right is played over and over again ad nauseum. Strain shows up in a fright wig to play the Bare Wench. This one scene seems to be added later, since no one could possibly be credited in the cast with shooting it. In the background, as the women cavort and stroke, you can see someone's picket fence. This may be director Wynorski's backyard. This is just bad stuff. The lesbian love scenes are kelvin degrees cooler than "The Erotic Witch Project"'s. Most of the lovin' consists of the four women mashing their eight collective breasts together. I think they are trying to form a silicone based lifeform that would rescue them from this bad career decision. No such luck.
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then the makers of "The Blair Witch Project" should be really, really mad. Followed by too many sequels.
Stats:
(2000) 76 min. (*) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Jim Wynorski
-Cast: Julie Strain, Nikki Fritz, Julie K. Smith, Lorissa McComas, Antonia Dorian, Michael Porter, Andy Sidaris, Lenny Juliano, Chuck Cirino, John J. Vogel
(R)
What can you say about a film that makes "The Erotic Witch Project" look like "Schindler's List"?
Again, the plot and characters are secondary, but the plot is almost an exact copy of "TEWP." Four buxom sorority sisters and a goofy male guide enter a forest to look for the Bare Wench (Julie Strain), and the women become sexually charged. The Bare Wench leaves porno devices and a blow-up doll, just like in "TEWP." They get lost, the doofus gets lost, and the girls find their way back to their hotel. There they reenact the end of "The Blair Witch Project," as cameras are dropped and the guide is seen playing hopscotch, a game integral to the thin plot.
At least three of the sorority sisters here have unnaturally large breasts full of dimples and stretch marks, along with rather obvious surgery scars. The one "natural" gal here is humiliated by the director. In a very unfunny and overlong end credit segment, outtake scenes where she could not get a line right is played over and over again ad nauseum. Strain shows up in a fright wig to play the Bare Wench. This one scene seems to be added later, since no one could possibly be credited in the cast with shooting it. In the background, as the women cavort and stroke, you can see someone's picket fence. This may be director Wynorski's backyard. This is just bad stuff. The lesbian love scenes are kelvin degrees cooler than "The Erotic Witch Project"'s. Most of the lovin' consists of the four women mashing their eight collective breasts together. I think they are trying to form a silicone based lifeform that would rescue them from this bad career decision. No such luck.
If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then the makers of "The Blair Witch Project" should be really, really mad. Followed by too many sequels.
Stats:
(2000) 76 min. (*) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Jim Wynorski
-Cast: Julie Strain, Nikki Fritz, Julie K. Smith, Lorissa McComas, Antonia Dorian, Michael Porter, Andy Sidaris, Lenny Juliano, Chuck Cirino, John J. Vogel
(R)
The Ballad of Little Jo (1993)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Before watching this, do not make the mistake of lumping this film in with crossdressing comedies like "Tootsie" and "Mrs. Doubtfire." While based on a true story, director Greenwald sidesteps many western, and Hollywood, conventions to bring one of the best westerns of the 1990's.
Suzy Amis plays Jo, a woman who is a little too trusting of some bad men. After escaping to the west and leaving her born-out-of-wedlock son behind, she is almost assaulted by two soldiers. To hide from them, she wears men's clothing and scars her face, eventually using her new facade to get what she needs to survive. Woman-hater Percy (Ian McKellen) takes her in, believing she is a young man. She eventually befriends Frank (Bo Hopkins, who had his best role in years) and starts a sheep ranch. She falls in love with Tin Man, a Chinese man (David Chung) she was forced to hire as her cook, and must eventually do battle with a cattle conglomerate trying to get a foothold and driving the sheep ranchers out.
Amis resembles Eric Stoltz in her scenes as a man, and is totally believable. McKellan and Rene Auberjonois have small but pivotal roles as older father figures who Jo trusts, but eventually turn on her. Hopkins is great as the neighbor Jo tolerates, befriends, and tolerates. Chung plays Tin Man as an ailing, opium-addicted, flawed man- he looks perfect for the part, life scars and all. Heather Graham also has a small part as Jo's paramour Mary Addie, and does her best with it. The most surprising aspects of this film is what the film is not. There are no cute "Yentl" scenes, where Jo falls in love with a man as a man. The cattle company war, a standard western plot point, never overwhelms the story, or comes to a trite conclusion. The final scenes seem like farce but when thought about later, play very truthfully and touchingly, especially Frank's reaction. Greenwald's camera turns a small film into an epic, with gorgeous Montana scenery. Her script is also very smart, never going for cheap laughs or the kind of exploitation that another director may have gone for.
I strongly recommend "The Ballad of Little Jo."
Stats:
(1993) 121 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Maggie Greenwald
-Cast: Suzy Amis, Bo Hopkins, Ian McKellen, Heather Graham, David Chung, Rene Auberjonois, Carrie Snodgress, Anthony Heald, Melissa Leo, Sam Robards, Olinda Turturro, Ruth Maleczech, Jeffrey Andrews
(R)
Before watching this, do not make the mistake of lumping this film in with crossdressing comedies like "Tootsie" and "Mrs. Doubtfire." While based on a true story, director Greenwald sidesteps many western, and Hollywood, conventions to bring one of the best westerns of the 1990's.
Suzy Amis plays Jo, a woman who is a little too trusting of some bad men. After escaping to the west and leaving her born-out-of-wedlock son behind, she is almost assaulted by two soldiers. To hide from them, she wears men's clothing and scars her face, eventually using her new facade to get what she needs to survive. Woman-hater Percy (Ian McKellen) takes her in, believing she is a young man. She eventually befriends Frank (Bo Hopkins, who had his best role in years) and starts a sheep ranch. She falls in love with Tin Man, a Chinese man (David Chung) she was forced to hire as her cook, and must eventually do battle with a cattle conglomerate trying to get a foothold and driving the sheep ranchers out.
Amis resembles Eric Stoltz in her scenes as a man, and is totally believable. McKellan and Rene Auberjonois have small but pivotal roles as older father figures who Jo trusts, but eventually turn on her. Hopkins is great as the neighbor Jo tolerates, befriends, and tolerates. Chung plays Tin Man as an ailing, opium-addicted, flawed man- he looks perfect for the part, life scars and all. Heather Graham also has a small part as Jo's paramour Mary Addie, and does her best with it. The most surprising aspects of this film is what the film is not. There are no cute "Yentl" scenes, where Jo falls in love with a man as a man. The cattle company war, a standard western plot point, never overwhelms the story, or comes to a trite conclusion. The final scenes seem like farce but when thought about later, play very truthfully and touchingly, especially Frank's reaction. Greenwald's camera turns a small film into an epic, with gorgeous Montana scenery. Her script is also very smart, never going for cheap laughs or the kind of exploitation that another director may have gone for.
I strongly recommend "The Ballad of Little Jo."
Stats:
(1993) 121 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Maggie Greenwald
-Cast: Suzy Amis, Bo Hopkins, Ian McKellen, Heather Graham, David Chung, Rene Auberjonois, Carrie Snodgress, Anthony Heald, Melissa Leo, Sam Robards, Olinda Turturro, Ruth Maleczech, Jeffrey Andrews
(R)
Baise-Moi (2000)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This infamous French film is the polar opposite of "Thelma & Louise," and better.
Manu (Raffaela Anderson) has a boyfriend everyone is looking for, a junkie best friend, and a brother who slaps her around before grinning and offering a drink. She acts in the occasional porn flick, and merely exists. Nadine (Karen Lancaume as Karen Bach) is a prostitute, living with a complaining mousy roommate, smokes too much weed, and drinks too much beer. She watches a lot of porn flicks, and merely exists. Manu and her junkie friend get gang-assaulted, and her hothead brother wants revenge. Manu takes out all of her frustration on all men by shooting him in the head. Nadine has a catfight with her roomie, leaving her for dead. Her junkie friend is shot while going to the pharmacy to use a prescription Nadine faked for him. She decides to half-heartedly keep an appointment for him with another drug runner. The two women meet by chance in a train station. Manu offers Nadine a car if Nadine will drive the two to the ocean. Nadine recognizes Manu from porn, and the two strike up the kind of friendship where two strangers meet and feel like they have known each other for years. The rest of the film has the two women robbing and killing their way across the French countryside. There are no dogged police detectives after them, media coverage is just hinted at, but these two stay together through thick and thin, including the finale, with an ending I did not see coming.
First of all, yes, the sex in this film is of the hardcore pornographic variety. The assault scene is very real and very ugly. The other sexual situations are not put onscreen in order for you to become excited, like most American porn. The sex here is unpleasant. The violence is also unpleasant. While obvious budget restraints meant not having a bunch of squibs go off like a "Rambo" movie, it is still bloody. Nadine and Manu kill at random, and eventually kill women as well as men. All of the gore here is of the fake blood variety. So why would I recommend something like this, especially when half of the people reading this review probably would never watch something like this? The anger is raw. The film, shot on video, is raw. I felt like I was along for a hellacious ride with these two women, only they did not acknowledge the camera the way the killer did in the boring "Man Bites Dog." Bach and Anderson are not two Hollywood stars affecting terrible Southern accents before blaming the entire masculine world for their problems. Nadine and Manu have no master plan, no beef with a society that did them wrong, they simply rob and kill. For two porn actresses, Lancaume and Anderson actually can act. The sex in "Baise-Moi" is so matter-of-fact and unarousing, the two leads must rely on acting ability to overcome the lack of impossible sexual situations. "Baise-Moi" is a hard film to recommend. Did I "like" it? No, but these two women fascinated me. Their unexplained violence and rage repelled me. The fact that the film was directed by two other women stunned me.
"Baise-Moi" scared me, perhaps mostly through the universality of Nadine and Manu's stories. These women could have been from Anywhere, USA, and no one would have batted an eyelash. Leave it to the French to show the rest of us where we are headed.
Stats:
(2000) 77 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Virginie Despentes, Coralie Trinh Thi
-Screenplay by Virginie Despentes & Coralie Trinh Thi, based on the novel by Virginie Despentes
-Cast: Raffaela Anderson, Karen Lancaume, Celine Beugnot, Adama Niane, Christophe Claudy Landry, Tewfik Saad, Delphine McCarty, Ouassini Embarek, Patrick Kodjo Topou, Simon Nahoum, Karim Chala, Lisa Marshall, Hacene Beddrouh
(Unrated)
This infamous French film is the polar opposite of "Thelma & Louise," and better.
Manu (Raffaela Anderson) has a boyfriend everyone is looking for, a junkie best friend, and a brother who slaps her around before grinning and offering a drink. She acts in the occasional porn flick, and merely exists. Nadine (Karen Lancaume as Karen Bach) is a prostitute, living with a complaining mousy roommate, smokes too much weed, and drinks too much beer. She watches a lot of porn flicks, and merely exists. Manu and her junkie friend get gang-assaulted, and her hothead brother wants revenge. Manu takes out all of her frustration on all men by shooting him in the head. Nadine has a catfight with her roomie, leaving her for dead. Her junkie friend is shot while going to the pharmacy to use a prescription Nadine faked for him. She decides to half-heartedly keep an appointment for him with another drug runner. The two women meet by chance in a train station. Manu offers Nadine a car if Nadine will drive the two to the ocean. Nadine recognizes Manu from porn, and the two strike up the kind of friendship where two strangers meet and feel like they have known each other for years. The rest of the film has the two women robbing and killing their way across the French countryside. There are no dogged police detectives after them, media coverage is just hinted at, but these two stay together through thick and thin, including the finale, with an ending I did not see coming.
First of all, yes, the sex in this film is of the hardcore pornographic variety. The assault scene is very real and very ugly. The other sexual situations are not put onscreen in order for you to become excited, like most American porn. The sex here is unpleasant. The violence is also unpleasant. While obvious budget restraints meant not having a bunch of squibs go off like a "Rambo" movie, it is still bloody. Nadine and Manu kill at random, and eventually kill women as well as men. All of the gore here is of the fake blood variety. So why would I recommend something like this, especially when half of the people reading this review probably would never watch something like this? The anger is raw. The film, shot on video, is raw. I felt like I was along for a hellacious ride with these two women, only they did not acknowledge the camera the way the killer did in the boring "Man Bites Dog." Bach and Anderson are not two Hollywood stars affecting terrible Southern accents before blaming the entire masculine world for their problems. Nadine and Manu have no master plan, no beef with a society that did them wrong, they simply rob and kill. For two porn actresses, Lancaume and Anderson actually can act. The sex in "Baise-Moi" is so matter-of-fact and unarousing, the two leads must rely on acting ability to overcome the lack of impossible sexual situations. "Baise-Moi" is a hard film to recommend. Did I "like" it? No, but these two women fascinated me. Their unexplained violence and rage repelled me. The fact that the film was directed by two other women stunned me.
"Baise-Moi" scared me, perhaps mostly through the universality of Nadine and Manu's stories. These women could have been from Anywhere, USA, and no one would have batted an eyelash. Leave it to the French to show the rest of us where we are headed.
Stats:
(2000) 77 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Virginie Despentes, Coralie Trinh Thi
-Screenplay by Virginie Despentes & Coralie Trinh Thi, based on the novel by Virginie Despentes
-Cast: Raffaela Anderson, Karen Lancaume, Celine Beugnot, Adama Niane, Christophe Claudy Landry, Tewfik Saad, Delphine McCarty, Ouassini Embarek, Patrick Kodjo Topou, Simon Nahoum, Karim Chala, Lisa Marshall, Hacene Beddrouh
(Unrated)
Bad Girls (1994)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Is this country so starved for a decent western that we have to sit through this steaming cow patty to find it?
In the first few minutes, four prostitutes leave town in a frenzy after one of them kills another's client in hooker defense. I don't have any character names, because this all happens in the first ten minutes without any background to who the characters are or their relationships to each other. The women escape and go for a pie-in-the-sky dream of running a lumber mill in Oregon. Enter Kid Jarrett (James Russo), Cody's (Madeleine Stowe) former beau and current outlaw. He takes all of Cody's hard earned money. She works hard for her money...so hard for it, honey... Josh (Dermot Mulroney of the "Young Guns" series) happens by to flirt with the ladies while seeking his own revenge. The rest of the film consists of at least three of our five heroes getting captured and disappearing, then the others riding to rescue them. Three times...they shouldn't have quit their night jobs.
The four leads are pretty and beautiful and buxom and nothing like the Old West's real soiled doves. The quartet could have stepped off a Ralph Lauren fashion runway. For a more realistic portrayal, try either "Unforgiven" or the stupidly titled "The Wicked Wicked West" (AKA "Painted Angels") starring Kelly McGillis and Brenda Fricker. Director Kaplan apes the late great Sam Peckinpah, throwing in slow motion scenes. Unlike Sam, Kaplan uses slow motion for no motivation or reason, just to do it. Except for Mulroney and James LeGros, all the men here are pigs who are just holding these poor women down. A great feminist statement that is ironic in a film that dumped its first female director in favor of Kaplan, who decides we cannot get through the film without a couple of glimpses of Drew Barrymore topless. Girl power! This is not a good western, your first clue is the five different writers listed in the opening credits. All involved have done better, and you would be better off checking those out instead.
"Bad Girls" is bad in more ways than one.
Stats:
(1994) 99 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jonathan Kaplan
-Written by Serge Cukier, Alain Robak
-Cast: Madeleine Stowe, Mary Stuart Masterson, Andie MacDowell, Drew Barrymore, James Russo, James Le Gros, Robert Loggia, Dermot Mulroney, Jim Beaver, Nick Chinlund, Neil Summers, Daniel O'Haco, Richard Reyes
(R)
Is this country so starved for a decent western that we have to sit through this steaming cow patty to find it?
In the first few minutes, four prostitutes leave town in a frenzy after one of them kills another's client in hooker defense. I don't have any character names, because this all happens in the first ten minutes without any background to who the characters are or their relationships to each other. The women escape and go for a pie-in-the-sky dream of running a lumber mill in Oregon. Enter Kid Jarrett (James Russo), Cody's (Madeleine Stowe) former beau and current outlaw. He takes all of Cody's hard earned money. She works hard for her money...so hard for it, honey... Josh (Dermot Mulroney of the "Young Guns" series) happens by to flirt with the ladies while seeking his own revenge. The rest of the film consists of at least three of our five heroes getting captured and disappearing, then the others riding to rescue them. Three times...they shouldn't have quit their night jobs.
The four leads are pretty and beautiful and buxom and nothing like the Old West's real soiled doves. The quartet could have stepped off a Ralph Lauren fashion runway. For a more realistic portrayal, try either "Unforgiven" or the stupidly titled "The Wicked Wicked West" (AKA "Painted Angels") starring Kelly McGillis and Brenda Fricker. Director Kaplan apes the late great Sam Peckinpah, throwing in slow motion scenes. Unlike Sam, Kaplan uses slow motion for no motivation or reason, just to do it. Except for Mulroney and James LeGros, all the men here are pigs who are just holding these poor women down. A great feminist statement that is ironic in a film that dumped its first female director in favor of Kaplan, who decides we cannot get through the film without a couple of glimpses of Drew Barrymore topless. Girl power! This is not a good western, your first clue is the five different writers listed in the opening credits. All involved have done better, and you would be better off checking those out instead.
"Bad Girls" is bad in more ways than one.
Stats:
(1994) 99 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Jonathan Kaplan
-Written by Serge Cukier, Alain Robak
-Cast: Madeleine Stowe, Mary Stuart Masterson, Andie MacDowell, Drew Barrymore, James Russo, James Le Gros, Robert Loggia, Dermot Mulroney, Jim Beaver, Nick Chinlund, Neil Summers, Daniel O'Haco, Richard Reyes
(R)
Baby Blood (1990)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This French film is more disturbing than silly American killer baby flicks like "The Unborn" series.
Emmanuelle Escourrou is Yanka, a voluptuous young woman working at a circus. A mysterious leopard is brought in, and something escapes from it, and slips into Yanka. She begins feeling like she is pregnant, but with a couple of differences. She can communicate with her brood telepathically, and it answers her in a grown male's voice, and she has a pregnancy craving for something worse than ice cream and pickles- human blood.
There are plenty of gory moments here, all encapsulated into scenes. The ambulance scene and the apartment scene stand out. The finale involves a near assault on a bus full of football players. While some of the scenes drag, and the ending is a little telegraphed, the gore is thrown all over the screen. I had not seen this kind of bloodshed since "Killer Tongue." Escourrou is great, and Robak's direction is also quick and imaginative. His shots surprised me, as he goes in the complete opposite direction that some hack B movie American director would have taken.
Also known as the generic "The Evil Within," "Baby Blood" is a full assault on the senses, and the sensitive.
Stats:
(1990) 88 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Alain Robak
-Written by Serge Cukier, Alain Robak
-Cast: Emmanuelle Escourrou, Christian Sinniger, Jean-Francois Gallotte, Roselyne Geslot, Francois Frapier, Thierry Le Porter, Remy Roubakha, Eric Averlant, Alain Robak, Alain Chabat, Jacques Audiard, Jean-Claude Romer, Jean-Yves Lafesse
(R)
This French film is more disturbing than silly American killer baby flicks like "The Unborn" series.
Emmanuelle Escourrou is Yanka, a voluptuous young woman working at a circus. A mysterious leopard is brought in, and something escapes from it, and slips into Yanka. She begins feeling like she is pregnant, but with a couple of differences. She can communicate with her brood telepathically, and it answers her in a grown male's voice, and she has a pregnancy craving for something worse than ice cream and pickles- human blood.
There are plenty of gory moments here, all encapsulated into scenes. The ambulance scene and the apartment scene stand out. The finale involves a near assault on a bus full of football players. While some of the scenes drag, and the ending is a little telegraphed, the gore is thrown all over the screen. I had not seen this kind of bloodshed since "Killer Tongue." Escourrou is great, and Robak's direction is also quick and imaginative. His shots surprised me, as he goes in the complete opposite direction that some hack B movie American director would have taken.
Also known as the generic "The Evil Within," "Baby Blood" is a full assault on the senses, and the sensitive.
Stats:
(1990) 88 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Alain Robak
-Written by Serge Cukier, Alain Robak
-Cast: Emmanuelle Escourrou, Christian Sinniger, Jean-Francois Gallotte, Roselyne Geslot, Francois Frapier, Thierry Le Porter, Remy Roubakha, Eric Averlant, Alain Robak, Alain Chabat, Jacques Audiard, Jean-Claude Romer, Jean-Yves Lafesse
(R)
Tuesday, March 4, 2025
Christmas Evil (1980)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Poor Harry. In Christmas 1947, he saw Santa doing more than kissing Mommy under the Christmas tree, and it has traumatized him since.
An adult Harry (Brandon Maggart) now works at the Jolly Dream Toy Factory, where he is the butt of jokes and gossip from his coworkers. He is promoted to an office job, but still misses the toy assembly line. Harry also has an extracurricular hobby- he is obsessed with Christmas and Santa Claus. His house is in perpetual Christmas year round, and Harry spies on the neighborhood children, keeping track of who has been nice and who has been flipping through a copy of Penthouse. Harry's brother, Phil (Jeffrey DeMunn) and Phil's wife Jackie (Dianne Hull) are on the other end of the spectrum. They are in love, they have children, but Phil is venomous toward his weirdo brother. Harry is taken advantage at work by a lout who wants to duck out on a shift. At the Jolly Dream Christmas party, a film shows the vacationing owner promising toys for the local children's hospital- which Harry finds out is nothing more than a publicity stunt. Jolly Dream's toys themselves are plastic and worthless, Harry laments that no one takes pride in the product any longer, and he reaches his breaking point.
"Christmas Evil" belongs just below "Gremlins" and "Black Christmas" (1974) and well above "Elves" and the moronic "Silent Night, Deadly Night" series when it comes to the unique Christmas horror genre. I would compare this film favorably to the unwatchable "Maniac," which also featured an insane loner who loses it and kills. This film is different in that we are tipped to Harry's insanity early, and watch him mentally deteriorate throughout the film. The motivation for his Christmas delusion is weak, but Maggart is very good as Harry, anchoring the film. The writer/director wisely keeps the cast above thirty, no horny teens wandering around alone here. The supporting cast are all character actors whose faces you have seen a million times in other things, most notably "Home Improvement"'s Patricia Richardson, playing a mom much different from her saintly TV Jill. The ending is definitely weird, the torch bearing townsfolk is a little too much to take. There is a wicked sense of humor throughout, from office politics to a police lineup of Santas, but Jackson never succumbs to tossing in a bunch of Christmas cliches and stupid one liners.
The film came out in 1980, in the beginning of the slasher cycle, and it stands out. Known under alternate titles "You Better Watch Out" and "Terror in Toyland," I recommend it based on the junky slasher films that have followed. This was made before there was a slasher formula, and its difference is something to cherish in a very weird way.
Stats:
(1980) 100 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Lewis Jackson
-Cast: Brandon Maggart, Jeffrey DeMunn, Dianne Hull, Andy Fenwick, Brian Neville, Joe Jamrog, Wally Moran, Gus Kangas, Patricia Richardson, Ellen McElduff, Brian Hartigan, Peter Neuman, Lance Holcomb
(R)
Poor Harry. In Christmas 1947, he saw Santa doing more than kissing Mommy under the Christmas tree, and it has traumatized him since.
An adult Harry (Brandon Maggart) now works at the Jolly Dream Toy Factory, where he is the butt of jokes and gossip from his coworkers. He is promoted to an office job, but still misses the toy assembly line. Harry also has an extracurricular hobby- he is obsessed with Christmas and Santa Claus. His house is in perpetual Christmas year round, and Harry spies on the neighborhood children, keeping track of who has been nice and who has been flipping through a copy of Penthouse. Harry's brother, Phil (Jeffrey DeMunn) and Phil's wife Jackie (Dianne Hull) are on the other end of the spectrum. They are in love, they have children, but Phil is venomous toward his weirdo brother. Harry is taken advantage at work by a lout who wants to duck out on a shift. At the Jolly Dream Christmas party, a film shows the vacationing owner promising toys for the local children's hospital- which Harry finds out is nothing more than a publicity stunt. Jolly Dream's toys themselves are plastic and worthless, Harry laments that no one takes pride in the product any longer, and he reaches his breaking point.
"Christmas Evil" belongs just below "Gremlins" and "Black Christmas" (1974) and well above "Elves" and the moronic "Silent Night, Deadly Night" series when it comes to the unique Christmas horror genre. I would compare this film favorably to the unwatchable "Maniac," which also featured an insane loner who loses it and kills. This film is different in that we are tipped to Harry's insanity early, and watch him mentally deteriorate throughout the film. The motivation for his Christmas delusion is weak, but Maggart is very good as Harry, anchoring the film. The writer/director wisely keeps the cast above thirty, no horny teens wandering around alone here. The supporting cast are all character actors whose faces you have seen a million times in other things, most notably "Home Improvement"'s Patricia Richardson, playing a mom much different from her saintly TV Jill. The ending is definitely weird, the torch bearing townsfolk is a little too much to take. There is a wicked sense of humor throughout, from office politics to a police lineup of Santas, but Jackson never succumbs to tossing in a bunch of Christmas cliches and stupid one liners.
The film came out in 1980, in the beginning of the slasher cycle, and it stands out. Known under alternate titles "You Better Watch Out" and "Terror in Toyland," I recommend it based on the junky slasher films that have followed. This was made before there was a slasher formula, and its difference is something to cherish in a very weird way.
Stats:
(1980) 100 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Lewis Jackson
-Cast: Brandon Maggart, Jeffrey DeMunn, Dianne Hull, Andy Fenwick, Brian Neville, Joe Jamrog, Wally Moran, Gus Kangas, Patricia Richardson, Ellen McElduff, Brian Hartigan, Peter Neuman, Lance Holcomb
(R)
Fatima (2020)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Faith-based films are a very iffy genre. You can rarely fault the film makers for having their hearts in the right place, but on the other hand, many of those films are unwatchable. A lot of mainstream viewers dismiss Christian films, or any film they don't agree with, without seeing the work- or they review the beliefs and politics behind the film instead of the film itself, turning to personal insults of critics and audiences who give a film a chance (totally speaking from personal experience). Some Christians do likewise with films that offend their faith. "Fatima" is not a perfect film, but the story of the three children who saw the Virgin Mary in 1917 Portugal is obviously a lasting one.
Lucia (Stephaine Gil) and her cousins Jacinta (Alejandra Howard) and Francisco (Jorge Lamelas) are living during the Great War. Lucia and her mother (Lucia Moniz) await news about their brother and son, who is off fighting in a distant land. The town is overseen by a non-believing mayor (Goran Visnjic), who solemnly reads the names out loud in the town square of the area men who are killed or missing. The three children encounter an angel (Ivone Fernandes-Jesus), who tells them to pray for peace and to expect another visitation. While tending to their sheep, they encounter a mysterious woman (Joana Ribeiro) only they can see, and who visits them monthly. She tells them to pray for peace, stop insulting God, and gives Lucia three secret messages about the future which she shouldn't share with anyone. The children's story is bookended by a non-believing professor (Harvey Keitel) interviewing an adult Sister Lucia (Sonia Braga), a nun who still believes what she saw decades earlier.
I don't think you need to be Catholic to get something out of the film. So many parallels can be made between World War I-era Portugal and today. The film makers are very even-handed in their portrayals of Christians and non-Christians. The town mayor's wife is a believer. The local priest (Joaquim de Almeida) is skeptical, as is Lucia's own mother- who prays and serves God to make sure her son's name is never announced in the town square, but doesn't believe Lucia's story to the point of physical violence. As word gets out about the mysterious sightings, crowds gather and beg for healing, ripping up Lucia's father's (Marco D'Almeida) crops to make an offering to "The Lady of the Rosary." Lucia, and her cousins, begin to doubt what they saw as adults berate their stories as lies, but their faith in God makes them return to the field for their sightings and visions, culminating in the Miracle of the Sun.
Gil and Moniz are outstanding as Lucia and her mother. I wanted to get more from the Keitel/Braga scenes, but they trail off and aren't necessary to the central story. The film was shot in Portugal with an international cast, but there is an awkwardness with the English dialogue. Gil and Moniz are saddled with one too many scenes of domestic strife, but I did appreciate how Visnjic is not portrayed as an evil, villainous atheist. He's following orders from the government, while dealing with his wife and local issues. There are some intense scenes, using special effects to achieve the children's visions, but without turning this into a Marvel Cinematic Universe movie. I was tearing up a little bit when Ribeiro would speak, telling the children everything they needed to do to bring peace to the world. If we thought God was insulted back then, I can't begin to comprehend what is thought about aspects of today's culture- and I probably don't want to know.
Despite the awkward moments, "Fatima" is a rewarding experience.
Stats:
(2013) 113 min. (* * * 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Marco Pontecorvo
-Written by Marco Pontecorvo & Valerio D'Annunzio and Barbara Nicolosi
-Cast: Joaquim de Almeida, Goran Visnjic, Stephanie Gill, Lucia Moniz, Harvey Keitel, Sonia Braga, Alejandra Howard, Jorge Lamelas, Marco D'Almeida, Joana Ribeiro, Carla Chambel, Elmano Sancho, Joao Arrais
(PG-13)
Faith-based films are a very iffy genre. You can rarely fault the film makers for having their hearts in the right place, but on the other hand, many of those films are unwatchable. A lot of mainstream viewers dismiss Christian films, or any film they don't agree with, without seeing the work- or they review the beliefs and politics behind the film instead of the film itself, turning to personal insults of critics and audiences who give a film a chance (totally speaking from personal experience). Some Christians do likewise with films that offend their faith. "Fatima" is not a perfect film, but the story of the three children who saw the Virgin Mary in 1917 Portugal is obviously a lasting one.
Lucia (Stephaine Gil) and her cousins Jacinta (Alejandra Howard) and Francisco (Jorge Lamelas) are living during the Great War. Lucia and her mother (Lucia Moniz) await news about their brother and son, who is off fighting in a distant land. The town is overseen by a non-believing mayor (Goran Visnjic), who solemnly reads the names out loud in the town square of the area men who are killed or missing. The three children encounter an angel (Ivone Fernandes-Jesus), who tells them to pray for peace and to expect another visitation. While tending to their sheep, they encounter a mysterious woman (Joana Ribeiro) only they can see, and who visits them monthly. She tells them to pray for peace, stop insulting God, and gives Lucia three secret messages about the future which she shouldn't share with anyone. The children's story is bookended by a non-believing professor (Harvey Keitel) interviewing an adult Sister Lucia (Sonia Braga), a nun who still believes what she saw decades earlier.
I don't think you need to be Catholic to get something out of the film. So many parallels can be made between World War I-era Portugal and today. The film makers are very even-handed in their portrayals of Christians and non-Christians. The town mayor's wife is a believer. The local priest (Joaquim de Almeida) is skeptical, as is Lucia's own mother- who prays and serves God to make sure her son's name is never announced in the town square, but doesn't believe Lucia's story to the point of physical violence. As word gets out about the mysterious sightings, crowds gather and beg for healing, ripping up Lucia's father's (Marco D'Almeida) crops to make an offering to "The Lady of the Rosary." Lucia, and her cousins, begin to doubt what they saw as adults berate their stories as lies, but their faith in God makes them return to the field for their sightings and visions, culminating in the Miracle of the Sun.
Gil and Moniz are outstanding as Lucia and her mother. I wanted to get more from the Keitel/Braga scenes, but they trail off and aren't necessary to the central story. The film was shot in Portugal with an international cast, but there is an awkwardness with the English dialogue. Gil and Moniz are saddled with one too many scenes of domestic strife, but I did appreciate how Visnjic is not portrayed as an evil, villainous atheist. He's following orders from the government, while dealing with his wife and local issues. There are some intense scenes, using special effects to achieve the children's visions, but without turning this into a Marvel Cinematic Universe movie. I was tearing up a little bit when Ribeiro would speak, telling the children everything they needed to do to bring peace to the world. If we thought God was insulted back then, I can't begin to comprehend what is thought about aspects of today's culture- and I probably don't want to know.
Despite the awkward moments, "Fatima" is a rewarding experience.
Stats:
(2013) 113 min. (* * * 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Marco Pontecorvo
-Written by Marco Pontecorvo & Valerio D'Annunzio and Barbara Nicolosi
-Cast: Joaquim de Almeida, Goran Visnjic, Stephanie Gill, Lucia Moniz, Harvey Keitel, Sonia Braga, Alejandra Howard, Jorge Lamelas, Marco D'Almeida, Joana Ribeiro, Carla Chambel, Elmano Sancho, Joao Arrais
(PG-13)
Sunday, March 2, 2025
Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan (2013)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
You know your film is in trouble when the best performance from your cast is thanks to Joe Estevez.
A group of non-descript first-time criminal offenders are shipped off to a week-long boot camp in Minnesota, being portrayed by Ohio and California for this film. It is run by Sgt. Hoke (Thomas Downey) and sympathetic counselor Ms. K (Kristina Kopf). The five criminals can avoid jail time if they make it through the tough program, oh, and survive a twenty-foot tall monster that is wandering around in the woods murdering bears and such. According to a very long expository speech from Meeks (Joe Estevez, who took all his crazy pills before cameras rolled), the monster is Paul Bunyan. The tall tale books got it wrong, this incarnation of Bunyan is bloodthirsty, overreacting to the death of his beloved ox, and seeks vengeance when one of the young criminals- don't worry about their specific characters, they are all dispatched without making any sort of impression on the viewer- steals Babe's horn from a makeshift shrine.
The fact that special effects guru Robert Kurtzman is involved with this silliness is surprising. The film is very violent, very gory, and very awful. The most successful aspect of it are the practical gore effects, but these diamonds in the rough are negated by amateurish acting and some of the goofiest computer generated special effects I have ever seen. The film almost had me in the beginning, when Dan Haggerty was still trying to be a horror film star (anyone ever seen "Elves"?), but then it quickly slid downhill. So many scenes had me laughing out loud, but the dead seriousness of the script made me realize this wasn't supposed to be "Sharknado"-type awfulness. The end credits promise us that Bunyan will return, as soon as they go down to their local discount electronics store and get some more of that special effects software. Here's hoping that is a promise the film makers cannot keep.
"Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan" is tiny when it comes to entertainment value.
Stats:
(2013) 90 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Gary Jones
-Screenplay by Jeff Miller and Gary Jones & Jason Ancona, Story by Gary Jones, Jeff Miller, Dialogue by Thomas Downey
-Cast: Joe Estevez, Dan Haggerty, Amber Connor, Thomas Downey, Tim Lovelace, Jesse Kove, Kristina Kopf, Jill Evyn, Clifton Williams, Victoria Ramos, Chris Hahn, Donna Williams, Bud Moffett
(R)
You know your film is in trouble when the best performance from your cast is thanks to Joe Estevez.
A group of non-descript first-time criminal offenders are shipped off to a week-long boot camp in Minnesota, being portrayed by Ohio and California for this film. It is run by Sgt. Hoke (Thomas Downey) and sympathetic counselor Ms. K (Kristina Kopf). The five criminals can avoid jail time if they make it through the tough program, oh, and survive a twenty-foot tall monster that is wandering around in the woods murdering bears and such. According to a very long expository speech from Meeks (Joe Estevez, who took all his crazy pills before cameras rolled), the monster is Paul Bunyan. The tall tale books got it wrong, this incarnation of Bunyan is bloodthirsty, overreacting to the death of his beloved ox, and seeks vengeance when one of the young criminals- don't worry about their specific characters, they are all dispatched without making any sort of impression on the viewer- steals Babe's horn from a makeshift shrine.
The fact that special effects guru Robert Kurtzman is involved with this silliness is surprising. The film is very violent, very gory, and very awful. The most successful aspect of it are the practical gore effects, but these diamonds in the rough are negated by amateurish acting and some of the goofiest computer generated special effects I have ever seen. The film almost had me in the beginning, when Dan Haggerty was still trying to be a horror film star (anyone ever seen "Elves"?), but then it quickly slid downhill. So many scenes had me laughing out loud, but the dead seriousness of the script made me realize this wasn't supposed to be "Sharknado"-type awfulness. The end credits promise us that Bunyan will return, as soon as they go down to their local discount electronics store and get some more of that special effects software. Here's hoping that is a promise the film makers cannot keep.
"Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan" is tiny when it comes to entertainment value.
Stats:
(2013) 90 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by Gary Jones
-Screenplay by Jeff Miller and Gary Jones & Jason Ancona, Story by Gary Jones, Jeff Miller, Dialogue by Thomas Downey
-Cast: Joe Estevez, Dan Haggerty, Amber Connor, Thomas Downey, Tim Lovelace, Jesse Kove, Kristina Kopf, Jill Evyn, Clifton Williams, Victoria Ramos, Chris Hahn, Donna Williams, Bud Moffett
(R)
Ax 'Em (1992)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
A group of about ten college students go to an isolated cabin in the woods for a weekend, and are terrorized by a mentally deficient man whose family was shotgunned to death thirteen years before. He is now going to "revenge" (as the opening credits crawl puts it) his family's deaths. Give me a minute, I am trying to both hold down my supper and find a place to begin here- this is that bad.
Mfume shot the entire film, barely an hour, on video. The video copy I rented back in the day was letterboxed- on all four sides. Suddenly I was watching a nineteen inch picture on my thirty-two inch screen. Except for writer/director/star Michael, I did not catch any of the other characters' names. This is understandable since the sound is possibly the worst recording job in motion picture history. At least seventy-five percent of the dialogue is muffled and incomprehensible. Of course, lines that do survive are of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" variety. Twice, I heard a voice off-camera cue the actors. During one cut, a video timer is evident at the bottom of the screen. The old mentally deficient killer in the woods story has been done so often it is now fodder for parody. Mfume tries to squeeze some laughs here by having the cast stop everything to tell some "yo mama's so fat..." jokes. The cast is in on the inside joke and tries to have fun, mugging at the camera and ad libbing. The point is the film makes no attempt to scare or even make sense. Mfume had ten friends and a video camera, and shot this thing.
"Ax' Em" was the worst film watching experience I have ever had for over two decades until "Luna Park" invaded my senses. Also known as "The Weekend It Lives."
Stats:
(1992) 71 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Michael Mfume
-Cast: Michael Mfume, Sandra Pulley, Joe Clair, Racquel Price, Tracy Wiggs, Maria Copper, Kelci Jeter, Greg Jones, Kristine Louisa, Frederick Montgomery, Thomas Hunt, D-Taylor Murphy, Chris Gatewood
(R)
A group of about ten college students go to an isolated cabin in the woods for a weekend, and are terrorized by a mentally deficient man whose family was shotgunned to death thirteen years before. He is now going to "revenge" (as the opening credits crawl puts it) his family's deaths. Give me a minute, I am trying to both hold down my supper and find a place to begin here- this is that bad.
Mfume shot the entire film, barely an hour, on video. The video copy I rented back in the day was letterboxed- on all four sides. Suddenly I was watching a nineteen inch picture on my thirty-two inch screen. Except for writer/director/star Michael, I did not catch any of the other characters' names. This is understandable since the sound is possibly the worst recording job in motion picture history. At least seventy-five percent of the dialogue is muffled and incomprehensible. Of course, lines that do survive are of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" variety. Twice, I heard a voice off-camera cue the actors. During one cut, a video timer is evident at the bottom of the screen. The old mentally deficient killer in the woods story has been done so often it is now fodder for parody. Mfume tries to squeeze some laughs here by having the cast stop everything to tell some "yo mama's so fat..." jokes. The cast is in on the inside joke and tries to have fun, mugging at the camera and ad libbing. The point is the film makes no attempt to scare or even make sense. Mfume had ten friends and a video camera, and shot this thing.
"Ax' Em" was the worst film watching experience I have ever had for over two decades until "Luna Park" invaded my senses. Also known as "The Weekend It Lives."
Stats:
(1992) 71 min. (0 *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Michael Mfume
-Cast: Michael Mfume, Sandra Pulley, Joe Clair, Racquel Price, Tracy Wiggs, Maria Copper, Kelci Jeter, Greg Jones, Kristine Louisa, Frederick Montgomery, Thomas Hunt, D-Taylor Murphy, Chris Gatewood
(R)
Autism Is a World (2004)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Sue Rubin is a twenty six year old autistic woman who cannot speak. She needs twenty-four hour care as her condition does not allow her to dial 9-1-1 in case of an emergency. At the age of 13, Sue was diagnosed with a mental age of two years, and an IQ of 29. However, when this documentary was filmed, Sue was a junior at Whittier College majoring in history, with career plans to advocate for autistics, and newspaper writing. What changed for Sue at age 13? The controversial "facilitated communication" did.
With the steadying of her sometimes flailing limbs, Sue is able to use a keyboard with vocal capabilities in order for her "voice" to be heard. The keyboarding took a lot of practice, but a reassessment of her condition put her IQ at 133, which allowed her normal high school years and college. From her tiny size, protruding tongue, and yelping vocal tics, everyone assumed Sue was mentally retarded. When she was a little girl, she exhibited self-abusive behaviors like biting her arms and head banging. Her parents never gave up on her, and we learn her brain was soaking up information like a sponge, even though her outward appearance did not show this.
The film focuses on Sue's reactions to losing two of her caregivers after many years. The two women are as young as Sue, and are moving on to other opportunities. They have become great friends, able to vocalize Sue's thoughts and even call her on an occasional lapse in concentration or purposeful misbehavior. Although many autistics are known for their seeming lack of emotion, there is a sadness on Sue's face as their time together gets shorter. Watching Sue onscreen, I was filled with admiration. She has a comforting device involving spoons and running water that is similar to my own autistic family member's comforting device. Sue proves that way too many people think all autistics are high-functioning, like "Rain Man" or Sigourney Weaver's brilliant and completely misunderstood performance in "Snow Cake." There is a routine to many autistics, and they can be humorous, but the low function of Sue takes you off guard. You feel just as frustrated as the others in the documentary as she answers questions one letter of each word at a time. She must write entire speeches and presentations like this (they are read by others), but Sue is prone to emotional outbursts, typing nonsense on the keyboard because of her attitude, especially her fears about her departing friends.
Sue wrote the narration to the film, getting screen credit, and it is expertly read by Julianna Margulies. Gerardine Wurzburg directs unobtrusively, not pestering Sue and others with a bunch of questions. This was part of the "CNN Presents" series, and was nominated for a documentary Oscar. Sue says it best: she can never be free of autism. It might subside, but it will always be there.
For more on the subject, I strongly recommend watching the badly titled but still brilliant documentary "Autism: The Musical," and reading "Born on a Blue Day" by Daniel Tammet, whether you are affected by autism or not.
Stats:
(2004) 40 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Gerardine Wurzburg
-Narration written by Sue Rubin
-Cast: Sue Rubin, Juliette Margulies
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Documentary, Short Subject (lost to "Mighty Times: The Children's March")
Sue Rubin is a twenty six year old autistic woman who cannot speak. She needs twenty-four hour care as her condition does not allow her to dial 9-1-1 in case of an emergency. At the age of 13, Sue was diagnosed with a mental age of two years, and an IQ of 29. However, when this documentary was filmed, Sue was a junior at Whittier College majoring in history, with career plans to advocate for autistics, and newspaper writing. What changed for Sue at age 13? The controversial "facilitated communication" did.
With the steadying of her sometimes flailing limbs, Sue is able to use a keyboard with vocal capabilities in order for her "voice" to be heard. The keyboarding took a lot of practice, but a reassessment of her condition put her IQ at 133, which allowed her normal high school years and college. From her tiny size, protruding tongue, and yelping vocal tics, everyone assumed Sue was mentally retarded. When she was a little girl, she exhibited self-abusive behaviors like biting her arms and head banging. Her parents never gave up on her, and we learn her brain was soaking up information like a sponge, even though her outward appearance did not show this.
The film focuses on Sue's reactions to losing two of her caregivers after many years. The two women are as young as Sue, and are moving on to other opportunities. They have become great friends, able to vocalize Sue's thoughts and even call her on an occasional lapse in concentration or purposeful misbehavior. Although many autistics are known for their seeming lack of emotion, there is a sadness on Sue's face as their time together gets shorter. Watching Sue onscreen, I was filled with admiration. She has a comforting device involving spoons and running water that is similar to my own autistic family member's comforting device. Sue proves that way too many people think all autistics are high-functioning, like "Rain Man" or Sigourney Weaver's brilliant and completely misunderstood performance in "Snow Cake." There is a routine to many autistics, and they can be humorous, but the low function of Sue takes you off guard. You feel just as frustrated as the others in the documentary as she answers questions one letter of each word at a time. She must write entire speeches and presentations like this (they are read by others), but Sue is prone to emotional outbursts, typing nonsense on the keyboard because of her attitude, especially her fears about her departing friends.
Sue wrote the narration to the film, getting screen credit, and it is expertly read by Julianna Margulies. Gerardine Wurzburg directs unobtrusively, not pestering Sue and others with a bunch of questions. This was part of the "CNN Presents" series, and was nominated for a documentary Oscar. Sue says it best: she can never be free of autism. It might subside, but it will always be there.
For more on the subject, I strongly recommend watching the badly titled but still brilliant documentary "Autism: The Musical," and reading "Born on a Blue Day" by Daniel Tammet, whether you are affected by autism or not.
Stats:
(2004) 40 min. (* * * * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Gerardine Wurzburg
-Narration written by Sue Rubin
-Cast: Sue Rubin, Juliette Margulies
(Not Rated)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Documentary, Short Subject (lost to "Mighty Times: The Children's March")
Asylum Seekers (2009)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
The initial set-up to "Asylum Seekers" is promising: half a dozen people with mental problems try to get into an insane asylum where only one spot is available. Only the craziest will make it in. The possibilities are endless: manic dark comedy, bloody horror film, social satire, etc. What I did not see coming is a film even more insane than its characters.
Six people enter the asylum, and are provided with onscreen introductions. Antoine (Daniel Irizarry) is a virgin nymphomaniac, Maud (Pepper Binkley) is a trophy mouse-wife, Paul (Lee Wilkof) is an evangelical nihilist, Miranda (Camille O'Sullivan) is an introverted exhibitionist, Alan (Bill Dawes) is a gender bender refugee, and Alice (Stella Maeve) is a cybernetic Lolita. All possible patients are put through various "contests" by the mean Nurse Milly (Judith Hawking) and her evil henchmen, under the watchful eye of the unseen The Beard. The asylum itself is full of fringe characters even more bizarre than our prospects. Maud and Antoine begin to grow closer (as close as a nymphomaniac and a mousy wife can), until The Beard makes up their mind.
"Asylum Seekers" is exhausting. Co-writer/director Rania Ajami ups the bizarre quotient right away, never giving the viewer a break. Each successive scene is a little more insane than the one before, and even quiet scenes turn into bizarre set-pieces that are not soon forgotten. I would compare her direction favorably to Terry Gilliam or Jean-Pierre Jeunet. Her use of widescreen is excellent, and she gives us some creepy imagery that plays with the viewer's head as much as the characters'. I could tell too easily, however, which characters were going to be the focus of our attention. Some are given small back stories- little scenes that show us why they are where they are, but some are not. Some characters don't live up to their own opening onscreen intros- Alan seems more torn about his race, not his sexuality. Same with Miranda, the most inhibited exhibitionist I have seen. Even Paul, who should have been a right-wing fanatic nutjob, seems toned down, becoming a mild paranoid instead. The cast does a great job playing characters that are way way out there. I would love to see their reactions reading the screenplay, seeing what they must endure on film. There is nothing "Salo"-esque here, no exploitative feces eating or anything lowbrow like that. Instead, Ajami puts her cast through the paces of "American Idol"-like competitions and wearing giant animal heads. The problem is all the surrealism should have been toned down as much as some of the characters. A more mainstream approach to the material might have warmed me up to the film, where following through on some of the initial scenes are a problem. The lack of strong characterization also means not being able to sympathize much with any of these people, much less the equally disturbed asylum staff.
Technically, "Asylum Seekers" is a visual marvel and very well made. I would slightly recommend it, I guarantee you will be talking about it for days, love it or hate it.
Stats:
(2009) 94 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Rania Ajami
-Screenplay by Rania Ajami, Jake Pilikian, Story by Rania Ajami
-Cast: Pepper Binkley, Daniel Irizarry, Judith Hawking, Lee Wilkof, Camille O'Sullivan, Bill Dawes, Stella Maeve, Joseph McKenna, Mackenzie Milone, John Auer, Remy Auberjonois, Liza Binkley, Shana Dowdeswell
(Not Rated)
The initial set-up to "Asylum Seekers" is promising: half a dozen people with mental problems try to get into an insane asylum where only one spot is available. Only the craziest will make it in. The possibilities are endless: manic dark comedy, bloody horror film, social satire, etc. What I did not see coming is a film even more insane than its characters.
Six people enter the asylum, and are provided with onscreen introductions. Antoine (Daniel Irizarry) is a virgin nymphomaniac, Maud (Pepper Binkley) is a trophy mouse-wife, Paul (Lee Wilkof) is an evangelical nihilist, Miranda (Camille O'Sullivan) is an introverted exhibitionist, Alan (Bill Dawes) is a gender bender refugee, and Alice (Stella Maeve) is a cybernetic Lolita. All possible patients are put through various "contests" by the mean Nurse Milly (Judith Hawking) and her evil henchmen, under the watchful eye of the unseen The Beard. The asylum itself is full of fringe characters even more bizarre than our prospects. Maud and Antoine begin to grow closer (as close as a nymphomaniac and a mousy wife can), until The Beard makes up their mind.
"Asylum Seekers" is exhausting. Co-writer/director Rania Ajami ups the bizarre quotient right away, never giving the viewer a break. Each successive scene is a little more insane than the one before, and even quiet scenes turn into bizarre set-pieces that are not soon forgotten. I would compare her direction favorably to Terry Gilliam or Jean-Pierre Jeunet. Her use of widescreen is excellent, and she gives us some creepy imagery that plays with the viewer's head as much as the characters'. I could tell too easily, however, which characters were going to be the focus of our attention. Some are given small back stories- little scenes that show us why they are where they are, but some are not. Some characters don't live up to their own opening onscreen intros- Alan seems more torn about his race, not his sexuality. Same with Miranda, the most inhibited exhibitionist I have seen. Even Paul, who should have been a right-wing fanatic nutjob, seems toned down, becoming a mild paranoid instead. The cast does a great job playing characters that are way way out there. I would love to see their reactions reading the screenplay, seeing what they must endure on film. There is nothing "Salo"-esque here, no exploitative feces eating or anything lowbrow like that. Instead, Ajami puts her cast through the paces of "American Idol"-like competitions and wearing giant animal heads. The problem is all the surrealism should have been toned down as much as some of the characters. A more mainstream approach to the material might have warmed me up to the film, where following through on some of the initial scenes are a problem. The lack of strong characterization also means not being able to sympathize much with any of these people, much less the equally disturbed asylum staff.
Technically, "Asylum Seekers" is a visual marvel and very well made. I would slightly recommend it, I guarantee you will be talking about it for days, love it or hate it.
Stats:
(2009) 94 min. (* * *) out of five stars
-Directed by Rania Ajami
-Screenplay by Rania Ajami, Jake Pilikian, Story by Rania Ajami
-Cast: Pepper Binkley, Daniel Irizarry, Judith Hawking, Lee Wilkof, Camille O'Sullivan, Bill Dawes, Stella Maeve, Joseph McKenna, Mackenzie Milone, John Auer, Remy Auberjonois, Liza Binkley, Shana Dowdeswell
(Not Rated)
Astro Boy (2009)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Based on a 1960's dubbed Japanese cartoon that I don't remember watching, this misfire had a couple of pretty scenes but little else.
The voice cast is full of recognizable names: Freddie Highmore, Nicolas Cage, Donald Sutherland, the odious Kristen Bell, Eugene Levy, Nathan Lane and his usual shtick, Bill Nighy, Charlize Theron, Samuel L. Jackson, Ryan Stiles, David Alan Grier. The four or five people who were demanding a big screen adaptation of the manga/cartoon must have been the same people who were demanding the equally bad "Mr. Peabody & Sherman" a few years ago. Both films bombed and didn't spawn any cult followings or franchises. Entire subplots are dangled and never followed through, or don't work. The Robot Revolutionary Front, another boring subplot that no child will get, had me doubled over in cringe. The dialogue sounds like it was written by an ill-equipped fourth grader entering their first rap battle, and the voice work is lazy.
Stats:
(2009) 94 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by David Bowers
-Written by Timothy Harris & David Bowers, Story by David Bowers, Additional Story Material by Colin Brady, Based on the manga by Osamu Tezuka
-Cast: Freddie Highmore, Nicolas Cage, Donald Sutherland, Kristen Bell, Eugene Levy, Nathan Lane, Bill Nighy, Charlize Theron, Samuel L. Jackson, Ryan Stiles, David Alan Grier, Alan Tudyk, Elle Fanning
(PG)
Based on a 1960's dubbed Japanese cartoon that I don't remember watching, this misfire had a couple of pretty scenes but little else.
The voice cast is full of recognizable names: Freddie Highmore, Nicolas Cage, Donald Sutherland, the odious Kristen Bell, Eugene Levy, Nathan Lane and his usual shtick, Bill Nighy, Charlize Theron, Samuel L. Jackson, Ryan Stiles, David Alan Grier. The four or five people who were demanding a big screen adaptation of the manga/cartoon must have been the same people who were demanding the equally bad "Mr. Peabody & Sherman" a few years ago. Both films bombed and didn't spawn any cult followings or franchises. Entire subplots are dangled and never followed through, or don't work. The Robot Revolutionary Front, another boring subplot that no child will get, had me doubled over in cringe. The dialogue sounds like it was written by an ill-equipped fourth grader entering their first rap battle, and the voice work is lazy.
Stats:
(2009) 94 min. (1/2 *) out of five stars
-Directed by David Bowers
-Written by Timothy Harris & David Bowers, Story by David Bowers, Additional Story Material by Colin Brady, Based on the manga by Osamu Tezuka
-Cast: Freddie Highmore, Nicolas Cage, Donald Sutherland, Kristen Bell, Eugene Levy, Nathan Lane, Bill Nighy, Charlize Theron, Samuel L. Jackson, Ryan Stiles, David Alan Grier, Alan Tudyk, Elle Fanning
(PG)
Forgiven (2016)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
Another mild Christian movie is presented to an unsuspecting public, as many faith film producers wring their hands and wonder why their entertainment is not connecting on a larger scale.
James (Casey Fuller) gets in a fight with his girlfriend, shooting her. Now armed, he runs and finds himself hiding out in a church with a pastor (Steve Flanigan) and his two daughters Elizabeth (Jenn Gotzon) and Naomi (Allee Sutton Hethcoat). James takes the trio hostage, and police lieutenant Morgan (Kevin Sorbo) arrives. Cell phone negotiating commences, as Morgan fights to keep his officers back, and Elizabeth starts telling James about God's capacity to forgive.
I honestly wanted to like this film, its heart seems to be in the right place, but it isn't even eighty minutes long, and there is absolutely no tension. Flenory is saddled with way too many lines about "ending this thing" to the point where it was unintentionally funny, more so when other characters mentioned "ending this." There seems to be little research into actual hostage negotiations, and it was frustrating to watch the production flounder with a small budget and uninspired script. The two stand-out performances are from Gotzon and Fuller, their scenes together generate a small amount of drama, and the film makers should have had more of that, instead of Morgan and Flenory's character pointing at the same diagram of the church for the hundredth time while background characters smile and pretend to talk on their phones.
"Forgiven" falls into the same trap that a lot of Christian films fall into. They are in such a hurry to get to the message, they forget to give the audience a reason to go along for the journey.
Stats:
(2016) 79 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Kevan Otto
-Written by Kevan Otto & Lloyd S. Wagner
-Cast: Kevin Sorbo, Jenn Gotzon, Casey Fuller, Allee Sutton Hethcoat, Steve Flanigan, Reegus Flenory, Kelsey Sanders, Renee LeeA Horton, David G. Baker, Glenn Cartwright, Marie A. Garton, Ben Graham, Maggie Schneider
(Not Rated)- Contains mild physical violence, mild gun violence, some adult situations
Another mild Christian movie is presented to an unsuspecting public, as many faith film producers wring their hands and wonder why their entertainment is not connecting on a larger scale.
James (Casey Fuller) gets in a fight with his girlfriend, shooting her. Now armed, he runs and finds himself hiding out in a church with a pastor (Steve Flanigan) and his two daughters Elizabeth (Jenn Gotzon) and Naomi (Allee Sutton Hethcoat). James takes the trio hostage, and police lieutenant Morgan (Kevin Sorbo) arrives. Cell phone negotiating commences, as Morgan fights to keep his officers back, and Elizabeth starts telling James about God's capacity to forgive.
I honestly wanted to like this film, its heart seems to be in the right place, but it isn't even eighty minutes long, and there is absolutely no tension. Flenory is saddled with way too many lines about "ending this thing" to the point where it was unintentionally funny, more so when other characters mentioned "ending this." There seems to be little research into actual hostage negotiations, and it was frustrating to watch the production flounder with a small budget and uninspired script. The two stand-out performances are from Gotzon and Fuller, their scenes together generate a small amount of drama, and the film makers should have had more of that, instead of Morgan and Flenory's character pointing at the same diagram of the church for the hundredth time while background characters smile and pretend to talk on their phones.
"Forgiven" falls into the same trap that a lot of Christian films fall into. They are in such a hurry to get to the message, they forget to give the audience a reason to go along for the journey.
Stats:
(2016) 79 min. (* 1/2) out of five stars
-Directed by Kevan Otto
-Written by Kevan Otto & Lloyd S. Wagner
-Cast: Kevin Sorbo, Jenn Gotzon, Casey Fuller, Allee Sutton Hethcoat, Steve Flanigan, Reegus Flenory, Kelsey Sanders, Renee LeeA Horton, David G. Baker, Glenn Cartwright, Marie A. Garton, Ben Graham, Maggie Schneider
(Not Rated)- Contains mild physical violence, mild gun violence, some adult situations
Jinxed! (1982)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
An infamous flop when it came out, Don Siegel's final film is a chore of missed opportunities and obvious production problems.
Bonita (Bette Midler) is a second-rate singer following her gambler boyfriend Harold (Rip Torn, the film's only bright spot) from Nevada town to Nevada town. Harold is following blackjack dealer Willie (Ken Wahl). Harold consistently beats Willie at the tables, and Willie consistently gets fired, moving on to the next casino job. Finally, Willie's new boss (Val Avery) advises Willie to break the jinx by taking something of Harold's, which he does by bedding Bonita. The two fall in love too quickly, and decide to get Harold out of their lives permanently, coming up with a murder plan that can't fail.
I can't go into too much depth from here on out concerning the plot, except to say that it gets very convoluted very quickly. This film was an odd choice for Siegel's swan song (he directed "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," "Dirty Harry," "Escape from Alcatraz," "The Shootist," and so much more). It tries to be a black comedy, complete with some goofball morbid moments, but there is an underlying tension that ruins any "fun" that was to be had. Wahl and Midler reportedly hated each other and fought constantly during production, and their onscreen lack of chemistry reflects that. Siegel also stated he would rather starve his family and pets instead of going through directing Midler again. One screenwriter took his name off the film, throwing in a pseudonym. All of this is evident, despite Vilmos Zsigmond's inappropriately beautiful cinematography. Torn isn't playing another lout, the screenplay has him beating Bonita in the past, but he seems to be the only actor to rise above the offscreen drama and turn in an actual performance. The Bruce Roberts/Miles Goodman musical score is sure to beat you over the head during the wacky scenes in case the atrocious Midler's tiresome mugging and screeching doesn't clue you in that this is supposed to be FUNNY. Jack Elam is wasted during the second half of the movie in a bizarre scavenger hunt that feels lifted from another film.
"Jinxed!" was jinxed, doing no business and almost killing Midler's post-"The Rose" film career until "Down and Out in Beverly Hills" and "Ruthless People" came along later. It serves as a poor-to-bad curiosity, and little more.
Stats:
(1982) 103 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Don Siegel
-Screenplay by Frank D. Gilroy and David Newman, Story by Frank D. Gilroy
-Cast: Bette Midler, Ken Wahl, Rip Torn, Val Avery, Jack Elam, Benson Fong, Jacqueline Scott, F. William Parker, Ian Wolfe, George Dickerson, Cletus Young, Tom Pletts, Archie Lang
(R)
An infamous flop when it came out, Don Siegel's final film is a chore of missed opportunities and obvious production problems.
Bonita (Bette Midler) is a second-rate singer following her gambler boyfriend Harold (Rip Torn, the film's only bright spot) from Nevada town to Nevada town. Harold is following blackjack dealer Willie (Ken Wahl). Harold consistently beats Willie at the tables, and Willie consistently gets fired, moving on to the next casino job. Finally, Willie's new boss (Val Avery) advises Willie to break the jinx by taking something of Harold's, which he does by bedding Bonita. The two fall in love too quickly, and decide to get Harold out of their lives permanently, coming up with a murder plan that can't fail.
I can't go into too much depth from here on out concerning the plot, except to say that it gets very convoluted very quickly. This film was an odd choice for Siegel's swan song (he directed "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," "Dirty Harry," "Escape from Alcatraz," "The Shootist," and so much more). It tries to be a black comedy, complete with some goofball morbid moments, but there is an underlying tension that ruins any "fun" that was to be had. Wahl and Midler reportedly hated each other and fought constantly during production, and their onscreen lack of chemistry reflects that. Siegel also stated he would rather starve his family and pets instead of going through directing Midler again. One screenwriter took his name off the film, throwing in a pseudonym. All of this is evident, despite Vilmos Zsigmond's inappropriately beautiful cinematography. Torn isn't playing another lout, the screenplay has him beating Bonita in the past, but he seems to be the only actor to rise above the offscreen drama and turn in an actual performance. The Bruce Roberts/Miles Goodman musical score is sure to beat you over the head during the wacky scenes in case the atrocious Midler's tiresome mugging and screeching doesn't clue you in that this is supposed to be FUNNY. Jack Elam is wasted during the second half of the movie in a bizarre scavenger hunt that feels lifted from another film.
"Jinxed!" was jinxed, doing no business and almost killing Midler's post-"The Rose" film career until "Down and Out in Beverly Hills" and "Ruthless People" came along later. It serves as a poor-to-bad curiosity, and little more.
Stats:
(1982) 103 min. (* *) out of five stars
-Directed by Don Siegel
-Screenplay by Frank D. Gilroy and David Newman, Story by Frank D. Gilroy
-Cast: Bette Midler, Ken Wahl, Rip Torn, Val Avery, Jack Elam, Benson Fong, Jacqueline Scott, F. William Parker, Ian Wolfe, George Dickerson, Cletus Young, Tom Pletts, Archie Lang
(R)
Gone Doggy Gone (2014)
*Get the film on Amazon here*
This funny riff on a couple's obsession with their Yorkshire Terrier sadly loses steam toward a disappointing, virtually nonexistent climax.
Abby (Kasi Brown) and Eliott (Brandon Walter) Harmon are a power couple who have little to do with each other after they get home at night, showering all of their attention on their dog, Laila. The Harmons have no children, and Abby seems to coddle the cute dog more, eventually rejecting her husband. Laila is babysat by Jill (Shaina Vorspan), a semi-neurotic with plenty of issues, and recently fired from a temp job in the film's funniest scene. Jill runs off with Laila, and the Harmons are in full pursuit, along with Kat (Kate Connor), Abby's best friend who is trying to fight off middle age by sleeping with younger men, and getting high and drunk all the time. Abby and Eliott also hire private investigator Dan (Jeff Sloniker), who finds himself falling for Jill, and a chase across the American Southwest is on.
Brown and Walter wrote and directed the film, giving themselves some fun parts, but still letting the supporting characters play. Dan is a disgusting oaf, under the thumb of his father (the recognizable Richard Riehle, who seems to appear in everything). Jill is also under her own mother's (an underused Marsha Waterbury) thumb, and the two make an immediate connection. The casting is terrific, Brown and Walter are excellent in their roles, even taking chances that not many writers would do to themselves- I'm thinking of the robbery scene in particular. The comedy is fun, and Brown is a gifted physical comedienne. Walter is laid back, letting the interplay between Abby and Kat take over. Kat is a fun, but unnecessary character, the same with some mobster guy (Miles Stroh), who is introduced and dispatched before the viewer can get a real handle on him. I liked the trip to Kat's hippie friend's (a very funny Lizzie Peet) place, even if it was a little obvious, but suddenly in the climax of the story, the film makers back off and seem unsure of where to go with it. It's sloppily edited, unfunny, and it doesn't match the energy of the rest of the film. Technically, the film is flawless for a smaller budget. The sound is great, the picture is clear, and the cinematography and editing, up until the climax, is top notch.
"Gone Doggy Gone" reminded me of that round of Melissa McCarthy/Paul Feig comedies, letting a female lead really come into her own, and getting to do all the "fun" stuff normally reserved for the boys in films like "The Hangover." This film does a commendable job, and serves as a feature length introduction to the Brown/Walter team.
Stats:
(2014) 89 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Kasi Brown and Brandon Walter
-Cast: Kasi Brown, Brandon Walter, Shaina Vorspan, Kate Connor, Jeff Sloniker, Richard Riehle, Marsha Waterbury, Miles Stroh, Lizzie Peet, Edward Winters, Jordan Hendricks, Sina J. Henrie, Mark Teich
(Not Rated)
This funny riff on a couple's obsession with their Yorkshire Terrier sadly loses steam toward a disappointing, virtually nonexistent climax.
Abby (Kasi Brown) and Eliott (Brandon Walter) Harmon are a power couple who have little to do with each other after they get home at night, showering all of their attention on their dog, Laila. The Harmons have no children, and Abby seems to coddle the cute dog more, eventually rejecting her husband. Laila is babysat by Jill (Shaina Vorspan), a semi-neurotic with plenty of issues, and recently fired from a temp job in the film's funniest scene. Jill runs off with Laila, and the Harmons are in full pursuit, along with Kat (Kate Connor), Abby's best friend who is trying to fight off middle age by sleeping with younger men, and getting high and drunk all the time. Abby and Eliott also hire private investigator Dan (Jeff Sloniker), who finds himself falling for Jill, and a chase across the American Southwest is on.
Brown and Walter wrote and directed the film, giving themselves some fun parts, but still letting the supporting characters play. Dan is a disgusting oaf, under the thumb of his father (the recognizable Richard Riehle, who seems to appear in everything). Jill is also under her own mother's (an underused Marsha Waterbury) thumb, and the two make an immediate connection. The casting is terrific, Brown and Walter are excellent in their roles, even taking chances that not many writers would do to themselves- I'm thinking of the robbery scene in particular. The comedy is fun, and Brown is a gifted physical comedienne. Walter is laid back, letting the interplay between Abby and Kat take over. Kat is a fun, but unnecessary character, the same with some mobster guy (Miles Stroh), who is introduced and dispatched before the viewer can get a real handle on him. I liked the trip to Kat's hippie friend's (a very funny Lizzie Peet) place, even if it was a little obvious, but suddenly in the climax of the story, the film makers back off and seem unsure of where to go with it. It's sloppily edited, unfunny, and it doesn't match the energy of the rest of the film. Technically, the film is flawless for a smaller budget. The sound is great, the picture is clear, and the cinematography and editing, up until the climax, is top notch.
"Gone Doggy Gone" reminded me of that round of Melissa McCarthy/Paul Feig comedies, letting a female lead really come into her own, and getting to do all the "fun" stuff normally reserved for the boys in films like "The Hangover." This film does a commendable job, and serves as a feature length introduction to the Brown/Walter team.
Stats:
(2014) 89 min. (* * * *) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Kasi Brown and Brandon Walter
-Cast: Kasi Brown, Brandon Walter, Shaina Vorspan, Kate Connor, Jeff Sloniker, Richard Riehle, Marsha Waterbury, Miles Stroh, Lizzie Peet, Edward Winters, Jordan Hendricks, Sina J. Henrie, Mark Teich
(Not Rated)
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