There's some spoilers in this review. Hold on to your hats- a chainsaw-wielding, hockey-mask-wearing murderer is on the loose at a summer camp, taking nubile young counselors one by one until the final showdown with the virginal heroine- and before you get all misty-eyed for the early 1980's, this film was released in 2000.
After the prerequisite opening murder, where a guy is killed by the aforementioned maniac, skip forward a few years to counselors going to camp to get it set up before the kids get there. Every cliche left over from the 1980's in reintroduced here, and the film makers keep a straight face the entire time. After playing a game of bloody murder, kind of a team tag, and playing a joke on one of the counselors, the new counselors are stalked by an unidentifiable maniac. Red herring suspects also begin to pop up all over the place. There is even an old senile man who comes around corners and scares everyone with premonitions of doom and gloom. Eventually, the heroine suspects her cabinmate because the cabinmate's father was the one who was murdered in the opening. Julie is sitting at her desk, and imagines her cabinmate of doing away with all the supporting cast, then jumps up and announces her conclusion to law enforcement and everyone else standing around. Fine. Except that the victims have all "disappeared," and Julie has no idea they have been murdered, much less knowing the way they were murdered. Of course, the cute cabinmate is not the killer, the film makers just wasted all of their ideas trying to make us think so.
If this review is lacking certain things like character names, that is because I could not remember any. The film is that unmemorable. This is not even as good as the decades old films they are trying to copy, and anyone looking for another "Scream" or "Scary Movie" are really going to be disappointed. The writer must have had this in his desk drawer for a few years and pulled it out to try and make a little dough. Well, he got my two bucks. I do not recommend this cheap, unsuspenseful junk. Followed by a sequel.
Stats:
(2000) 88 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Ralph E. Portillo
-Written by John R. Stevenson
-Cast: Jessica Morris, Peter Guillemette, Patrick Cavanaugh, Crystalle Ford, Michael Stone, Justin Ross Martin, Tracy Pacheco, Lindsey Leigh, David Smigelski, William Winter, Michael Prohaska, Jerry Richards
(R)
Saturday, November 30, 2024
Black Belt Jones (1974)
Director Robert Clouse, notable for helming one of Bruce Lee's films and tons of TV and straight-to-video martial arts epics, shows a lighter touch on this Blaxploitation actioner.
Jim Kelly plays Black Belt Jones, a smooth martial arts expert. Los Angeles is trying to build a new civic center, and the Mafia is buying all the land where it will be built so they can bilk the city government. The lone holdout is a karate school owned by Pop (Scatman Crothers). The Mafia and second-in-command Big Tuna (Vincent Barbi) lean on loan shark hood Pinky (Malik Carter) to lean on Pop in turn. Pinky starts flashing a phony IOU around, trying to get Pop's property for payment. Black Belt Jones makes like the Man With No Name, playing the mafia off of Pinky's gang, and playing with Pop's daughter Sydney (Gloria Hendry) on the side. Sydney is no delicate flower, able to kick butt with the best of them. The action packed climax takes place in a car wash run amok, and that is only one weird aspect of this film.
All the Blacks in the film call each other "n****r," which had me on edge throughout. Twice, Sydney uses the word "f****t," and it was not as a term of endearment. Italians do not come off much better, eating spaghetti and talking with New Yawk accents- in Southern California. I enjoyed the film more when I watched it as a relic of the mid-1970's. Clouse and the cast do not take things too seriously, so the audience shouldn't either? Jim Kelly is an adequate hero, Hendry holds her own, and when was the last time you saw Scatman Crothers involved in a martial arts action set piece? The supporting cast is full of recognizable faces all around. One winery heist sequence involves trampoline skills! All the character names are funny enough without trying to keep track of them. Tongues are in cheek, from Pinky's wet meeting with the head of the Mafia, to a car chase involving thrown panties. For Blaxploitation, however, the film is definitely lacking in nudity and sexual content. Too much of the dialogue and sound effects are dubbed, and not well, so the lip synch is way off. The fight scenes are good, but they eventually bore, since there are so many of them.
"Black Belt Jones" is average stuff, but I have seen worse Blaxploitation, and better. This falls right in the middle Followed by a sequel.
Stats:
(1974) 85 min. (5/10)
-Directed by Robert Clouse
-Screenplay by Oscar Williams, Story by Fred Weintraub and Alexandra Rose
-Cast: Jim Kelly, Gloria Hendry, Scatman Crothers, Vincent Barbi, Malik Carter, Eric Laneuville, Alan Weeks, Andre Philippe, Marla Gibbs, Mel Novak, Eddie Smith, Alex Brown, Sonny Barnes, Earl Jolly Brown, Jac Emel
(R)
Jim Kelly plays Black Belt Jones, a smooth martial arts expert. Los Angeles is trying to build a new civic center, and the Mafia is buying all the land where it will be built so they can bilk the city government. The lone holdout is a karate school owned by Pop (Scatman Crothers). The Mafia and second-in-command Big Tuna (Vincent Barbi) lean on loan shark hood Pinky (Malik Carter) to lean on Pop in turn. Pinky starts flashing a phony IOU around, trying to get Pop's property for payment. Black Belt Jones makes like the Man With No Name, playing the mafia off of Pinky's gang, and playing with Pop's daughter Sydney (Gloria Hendry) on the side. Sydney is no delicate flower, able to kick butt with the best of them. The action packed climax takes place in a car wash run amok, and that is only one weird aspect of this film.
All the Blacks in the film call each other "n****r," which had me on edge throughout. Twice, Sydney uses the word "f****t," and it was not as a term of endearment. Italians do not come off much better, eating spaghetti and talking with New Yawk accents- in Southern California. I enjoyed the film more when I watched it as a relic of the mid-1970's. Clouse and the cast do not take things too seriously, so the audience shouldn't either? Jim Kelly is an adequate hero, Hendry holds her own, and when was the last time you saw Scatman Crothers involved in a martial arts action set piece? The supporting cast is full of recognizable faces all around. One winery heist sequence involves trampoline skills! All the character names are funny enough without trying to keep track of them. Tongues are in cheek, from Pinky's wet meeting with the head of the Mafia, to a car chase involving thrown panties. For Blaxploitation, however, the film is definitely lacking in nudity and sexual content. Too much of the dialogue and sound effects are dubbed, and not well, so the lip synch is way off. The fight scenes are good, but they eventually bore, since there are so many of them.
"Black Belt Jones" is average stuff, but I have seen worse Blaxploitation, and better. This falls right in the middle Followed by a sequel.
Stats:
(1974) 85 min. (5/10)
-Directed by Robert Clouse
-Screenplay by Oscar Williams, Story by Fred Weintraub and Alexandra Rose
-Cast: Jim Kelly, Gloria Hendry, Scatman Crothers, Vincent Barbi, Malik Carter, Eric Laneuville, Alan Weeks, Andre Philippe, Marla Gibbs, Mel Novak, Eddie Smith, Alex Brown, Sonny Barnes, Earl Jolly Brown, Jac Emel
(R)
Blue (1968)
Terence Stamp is Azul (Spanish for "Blue"), the adopted son of Mexican bandit Ortega (Ricardo Montalban). Ortega, tiring of the same old robbing and pillaging, and sensing unrest from all of his sons, decides to cross the river into the United States and do some damage to the country that recently took part of Mexico for itself. The bandits raid a settlement, but Azul begins having a change of heart- deciding not to kill, and wanting to stay in the United States. He saves Joanne's (Joanna Pettet) life, and is nursed back to health by her father Doctor Morton (Karl Malden). The rest of the bandits head back to Mexico, mourning their losses. For the first time, and halfway through the film, Blue speaks. He is called Blue because of his eye color. He is not your "typical" Mexican, possessing blonde hair and fair skin. He begins to take a liking to Joanne, and stays on to help farm the doctor's land. Blue is introduced into the settlers' society, but not without raising the suspicions of some of the bandits' victims. Eventually, Ortega and the boys return to reclaim one of their own.
Made in 1968, this western has a definite contemporary feel to it. There are no good guys and bad guys, and Blue is an antihero if there ever was one. His romance with Joanne is expected but never forced or false. Malden is excellent as the doctor who is supposed to help people, murderers or not. Stamp is good as Blue. Since he doesn't speak through the first half of the film, when he finally does open up about himself I was hanging on his every word. Narizzano shows a wonderful directorial eye, highlighting great Utah scenery. He is able to generate suspense (Pettet's attack in the general store), lust (a very good clothed love scene), and violence (the final showdown) without getting show-offy with the camera. Yakima Canutt was stunt coordinator, and the explosive finale is some of his best work.
While "Blue" might be hard to find, it is worth the search, and I highly recommend it.
Stats:
(1968) 113 min. (9/10)
-Directed by Silvio Narizzano
-Screenplay by Meade Roberts and Ronald M. Cohen, Story by Ronald M. Cohen
-Cast: Terence Stamp, Joanna Pettet, Ricardo Montalban, Karl Malden, Anthony Costello, Joe De Santis, Sally Kirkland, Peggy Lipton, James Westerfield, Stathis Giallelis, Carlos East, Sara Vardi, Robert Lipton
(Not Rated)
Made in 1968, this western has a definite contemporary feel to it. There are no good guys and bad guys, and Blue is an antihero if there ever was one. His romance with Joanne is expected but never forced or false. Malden is excellent as the doctor who is supposed to help people, murderers or not. Stamp is good as Blue. Since he doesn't speak through the first half of the film, when he finally does open up about himself I was hanging on his every word. Narizzano shows a wonderful directorial eye, highlighting great Utah scenery. He is able to generate suspense (Pettet's attack in the general store), lust (a very good clothed love scene), and violence (the final showdown) without getting show-offy with the camera. Yakima Canutt was stunt coordinator, and the explosive finale is some of his best work.
While "Blue" might be hard to find, it is worth the search, and I highly recommend it.
Stats:
(1968) 113 min. (9/10)
-Directed by Silvio Narizzano
-Screenplay by Meade Roberts and Ronald M. Cohen, Story by Ronald M. Cohen
-Cast: Terence Stamp, Joanna Pettet, Ricardo Montalban, Karl Malden, Anthony Costello, Joe De Santis, Sally Kirkland, Peggy Lipton, James Westerfield, Stathis Giallelis, Carlos East, Sara Vardi, Robert Lipton
(Not Rated)
Boat Trip (2002)
Cuba Gooding, Jr. continued the careful destruction of his film career in this terribly stupid sex comedy.
Jerry (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) proposes to terrible girlfriend Felicia (Vivica A. Fox), who turns him down because she is seeing someone else- and he barfs on her. Sex crazed best friend Nick (Horatio Sanz) decides the best thing for Jerry is tons of anonymous sex, so the two decide to go on a singles cruise. This is the part of the review where I will use nothing but exclamation points, just like I imagine the pitch session went: Jerry and Nick tick off the travel agent! We could get Will Ferrell to do the cameo over a lunch hour! The two are booked on a GAY cruise, and they are straight! Get it?! Jerry falls in love with hot dance instructor Gabriella (Roselyn Sanchez)! Nick accidentally shoots down a helicopter containing a Swedish tanning team! Nick pretends to be gay to be around the girls, and Jerry pretends to be gay to be around Gabriella! Felicia wants Jerry back! Both dudes learn that homosexuals are people, too! It'll be great!
Forget for a minute, if you can, all the badly done gay stereotypes. Forget a depressing Roger Moore trying to seduce Sanz. Forget Sanchez's see-through blouses, but no full on nude scenes. Forget all of that. My biggest complaint: this film did not make me laugh once. Mort Nathan directed and co-wrote this, and everything is by the numbers. The jokes here are terrible. Nathan's direction is plain, when a movie is desperate enough to play James Brown's "I Feel Good" just twenty seconds into the beginning, you know you are in trouble. Gooding is miscast. He mugs at all the wrong times, and I did not believe for a minute that he and Sanz were lifelong best friends. Sanz simply yells his lines, falling into the same routine Nicolas Cage did in "Trapped in Paradise." The rest of the women are window dressing, except Lin Shaye, who portrays the Swedish team's coach, and just replays all her parts from the Farrelly Brothers' pictures.
"Boat Trip" is one of those films that you watch because it might not be as bad as you have heard- but then the film confirms your darkest fears.
Stats:
(2002) 94 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Mort Nathan
-Written by Mort Nathan & William Bigelow
-Cast: Cuba Gooding Jr., Horatio Sanz, Vivica A. Fox, Roselyn Sanchez, Roger Moore, Lin Shaye, Maurice Godin, Will Ferrell, Richard Roundtree, Artie Lange, Thomas Lennon, Victoria Silvstedt, Zen Gesner
(R)
Jerry (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) proposes to terrible girlfriend Felicia (Vivica A. Fox), who turns him down because she is seeing someone else- and he barfs on her. Sex crazed best friend Nick (Horatio Sanz) decides the best thing for Jerry is tons of anonymous sex, so the two decide to go on a singles cruise. This is the part of the review where I will use nothing but exclamation points, just like I imagine the pitch session went: Jerry and Nick tick off the travel agent! We could get Will Ferrell to do the cameo over a lunch hour! The two are booked on a GAY cruise, and they are straight! Get it?! Jerry falls in love with hot dance instructor Gabriella (Roselyn Sanchez)! Nick accidentally shoots down a helicopter containing a Swedish tanning team! Nick pretends to be gay to be around the girls, and Jerry pretends to be gay to be around Gabriella! Felicia wants Jerry back! Both dudes learn that homosexuals are people, too! It'll be great!
Forget for a minute, if you can, all the badly done gay stereotypes. Forget a depressing Roger Moore trying to seduce Sanz. Forget Sanchez's see-through blouses, but no full on nude scenes. Forget all of that. My biggest complaint: this film did not make me laugh once. Mort Nathan directed and co-wrote this, and everything is by the numbers. The jokes here are terrible. Nathan's direction is plain, when a movie is desperate enough to play James Brown's "I Feel Good" just twenty seconds into the beginning, you know you are in trouble. Gooding is miscast. He mugs at all the wrong times, and I did not believe for a minute that he and Sanz were lifelong best friends. Sanz simply yells his lines, falling into the same routine Nicolas Cage did in "Trapped in Paradise." The rest of the women are window dressing, except Lin Shaye, who portrays the Swedish team's coach, and just replays all her parts from the Farrelly Brothers' pictures.
"Boat Trip" is one of those films that you watch because it might not be as bad as you have heard- but then the film confirms your darkest fears.
Stats:
(2002) 94 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Mort Nathan
-Written by Mort Nathan & William Bigelow
-Cast: Cuba Gooding Jr., Horatio Sanz, Vivica A. Fox, Roselyn Sanchez, Roger Moore, Lin Shaye, Maurice Godin, Will Ferrell, Richard Roundtree, Artie Lange, Thomas Lennon, Victoria Silvstedt, Zen Gesner
(R)
The Jackals (1967)
This remake of "Yellow Sky" plays like a two hour episode of "Have Gun, Will Travel," and tries everything it can to convince the viewer it is not a typical western- and yet, it is.
Stretch (Robert Gunner) leads a gang into a gold rush era small town. They rob a bank, and flee into country so rough, the posse gives them up for dead and goes home. So far, so predictable- except all this action does not take place in southern Arizona, but South Africa. As the gang rides, the men begin to complain, horses drop dead, and this looks like one short film until the robbers happen upon a ghost town inhabited by the boyish Willie (Diana Ivarson) and her grandfather Oupa (Vincent Price). All the men take an immediate shine to Willie, who must fight off their collective advances. The ruggedly handsome Stretch seems to be the only one Willie doesn't seem to hate, and then the men get down to some deep thinkin'- why are Willie and Oupa here in the middle of nowhere? Could it be that they happened upon some gold in the nearby hills and will do anything to protect it?
An African western? Actually, the story is so bland that setting it in Antarctica and casting penguins in the lead roles could not have provided the viewer with any more interest. Remember some of those episodes of "Bonanza" and "Gunsmoke" where the series' regulars would merely bookend a story involving townsfolk we would end up never seeing again? That is this film. With the exception of a climactic offscreen (!) gunfight, the violence here is mid-1960's network television-level, with all the danger of a brisk walk into your kitchen. The cast is stiff, the gang going unnamed for most of the film, not that you care about them either way. The soundtrack is rejected bachelor pad xylophone easy jazz, I kept waiting for Frank Sinatra to wonder in and ply Willie with a pitcher of martinis. Vincent Price should have stuck to cheesy horror films instead of hamming his way through this. While he does a good job channeling Jack Elam, he turns the half-drunk Oupa into a mincing, creepy lout whom you suspect really is plying Willie with a pitcher of martinis. Had "The Jackals" been set in Arizona, with a capable cast and interesting direction, we may have had something. Instead, the film is too safe, picking all the most common ingredients off the carcass of the western film, which would get resurrected a couple of years later with "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."
Imagining Burl Ives as Oupa and Clint Eastwood as Stretch, being directed by Don Siegel, would have been pretty cool. "The Jackals" would be at home on a big three network primetime lineup from over five decades ago.
Stats:
(1967) 96 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Robert D. Webb
-Screenplay by Lamar Trotti & Harold Medford, Story by W.R. Burnett
-Cast: Vincent Price, Robert Gunner, Diana Ivarson, Bob Courtney, Patrick Mynhardt, Bill Brewer, John Whiteley, Sann de Lange, Frank Douglas, Pieter Hauptfleisch, Hal Orlandini, Gert van den Bergh, James White
(Not Rated)
Stretch (Robert Gunner) leads a gang into a gold rush era small town. They rob a bank, and flee into country so rough, the posse gives them up for dead and goes home. So far, so predictable- except all this action does not take place in southern Arizona, but South Africa. As the gang rides, the men begin to complain, horses drop dead, and this looks like one short film until the robbers happen upon a ghost town inhabited by the boyish Willie (Diana Ivarson) and her grandfather Oupa (Vincent Price). All the men take an immediate shine to Willie, who must fight off their collective advances. The ruggedly handsome Stretch seems to be the only one Willie doesn't seem to hate, and then the men get down to some deep thinkin'- why are Willie and Oupa here in the middle of nowhere? Could it be that they happened upon some gold in the nearby hills and will do anything to protect it?
An African western? Actually, the story is so bland that setting it in Antarctica and casting penguins in the lead roles could not have provided the viewer with any more interest. Remember some of those episodes of "Bonanza" and "Gunsmoke" where the series' regulars would merely bookend a story involving townsfolk we would end up never seeing again? That is this film. With the exception of a climactic offscreen (!) gunfight, the violence here is mid-1960's network television-level, with all the danger of a brisk walk into your kitchen. The cast is stiff, the gang going unnamed for most of the film, not that you care about them either way. The soundtrack is rejected bachelor pad xylophone easy jazz, I kept waiting for Frank Sinatra to wonder in and ply Willie with a pitcher of martinis. Vincent Price should have stuck to cheesy horror films instead of hamming his way through this. While he does a good job channeling Jack Elam, he turns the half-drunk Oupa into a mincing, creepy lout whom you suspect really is plying Willie with a pitcher of martinis. Had "The Jackals" been set in Arizona, with a capable cast and interesting direction, we may have had something. Instead, the film is too safe, picking all the most common ingredients off the carcass of the western film, which would get resurrected a couple of years later with "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid."
Imagining Burl Ives as Oupa and Clint Eastwood as Stretch, being directed by Don Siegel, would have been pretty cool. "The Jackals" would be at home on a big three network primetime lineup from over five decades ago.
Stats:
(1967) 96 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Robert D. Webb
-Screenplay by Lamar Trotti & Harold Medford, Story by W.R. Burnett
-Cast: Vincent Price, Robert Gunner, Diana Ivarson, Bob Courtney, Patrick Mynhardt, Bill Brewer, John Whiteley, Sann de Lange, Frank Douglas, Pieter Hauptfleisch, Hal Orlandini, Gert van den Bergh, James White
(Not Rated)
Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008)
A belated straight-to-video sequel to the 2001 sleeper hit directed by the same guy who directed "Bats"...what could possibly go wrong?
Melissa (Nicky Aycox) and Bobby (Nick Zano) are an engaged couple headed to Vegas, driving in an old station wagon with Melissa's sister Kayla (Laura Jordan) and her internet boyfriend Nik (Kyle Schmid). Nik is a Goth jerk, and succeeds in getting the group lost in the desert. They break into a derelict farmhouse and "borrow" a car, leaving their phone number so they can make amends once they find civilization again. It turns out the house belongs to the psychotic truck driver known as Rusty Nail (played in the shadows by Mark Gibbon), and he stalks the foursome to get his prized car back.
I remember seeing the original "Joy Ride," but nothing about the film stuck with me. I do remember it being a little more intense than this. This film was shot in British Columbia, which does NOT make a convincing stand-in for the deserts of the southwest United States. Morneau's direction is pedestrian with the exception of one or two imaginative scenes, but the script is a mess. The film may have worked better as a dark comedy since we have been sitting through this type of back roads suspense for decades. The cringe opening scene is an unsubtle exposition dump, before boring the viewer for the next half hour. Schmid plays a jerk too well, as eventually I came to hate Nik, and only hoped the worst for him. The foursome find themselves in incredibly stupid situations (the funeral home scene is especially ridiculous), so there's little tension to be had. All the highway horror tropes are here, including the stupid character behavior and violations of most laws of physics and speed limits.
The "Joy Ride" franchise limped to its thankful conclusion with "Joy Ride 3: Roadkill," but with today's penchant for remakes and reboots, I'm sure "Joy Ride: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?" is on some Hollywood executive's desk as we speak.
Stats:
(2008) 91 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Louis Morneau
-Written by James Robert Johnston & Bennett Yellin based on characters created by Clay Tarver & J.J. Abrams
-Cast: Nicki Aycox, Nick Zano, Kyle Schmid, Laura Jordan, Mark Gibbon, Krystal Vrba, Kathryn Kirkpatrick, Rob Carpenter, Gordon Tipple, Gardiner Millar, Rebecca Davis, Daniel Boileau, Lyle St. Goddard, Mackenzie Gray
(Unrated)- Physical violence, some sexual violence, gore, strong profanity, some nudity, strong sexual references, adult situations, some drug use, strong tobacco use, alcohol use
Melissa (Nicky Aycox) and Bobby (Nick Zano) are an engaged couple headed to Vegas, driving in an old station wagon with Melissa's sister Kayla (Laura Jordan) and her internet boyfriend Nik (Kyle Schmid). Nik is a Goth jerk, and succeeds in getting the group lost in the desert. They break into a derelict farmhouse and "borrow" a car, leaving their phone number so they can make amends once they find civilization again. It turns out the house belongs to the psychotic truck driver known as Rusty Nail (played in the shadows by Mark Gibbon), and he stalks the foursome to get his prized car back.
I remember seeing the original "Joy Ride," but nothing about the film stuck with me. I do remember it being a little more intense than this. This film was shot in British Columbia, which does NOT make a convincing stand-in for the deserts of the southwest United States. Morneau's direction is pedestrian with the exception of one or two imaginative scenes, but the script is a mess. The film may have worked better as a dark comedy since we have been sitting through this type of back roads suspense for decades. The cringe opening scene is an unsubtle exposition dump, before boring the viewer for the next half hour. Schmid plays a jerk too well, as eventually I came to hate Nik, and only hoped the worst for him. The foursome find themselves in incredibly stupid situations (the funeral home scene is especially ridiculous), so there's little tension to be had. All the highway horror tropes are here, including the stupid character behavior and violations of most laws of physics and speed limits.
The "Joy Ride" franchise limped to its thankful conclusion with "Joy Ride 3: Roadkill," but with today's penchant for remakes and reboots, I'm sure "Joy Ride: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?" is on some Hollywood executive's desk as we speak.
Stats:
(2008) 91 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Louis Morneau
-Written by James Robert Johnston & Bennett Yellin based on characters created by Clay Tarver & J.J. Abrams
-Cast: Nicki Aycox, Nick Zano, Kyle Schmid, Laura Jordan, Mark Gibbon, Krystal Vrba, Kathryn Kirkpatrick, Rob Carpenter, Gordon Tipple, Gardiner Millar, Rebecca Davis, Daniel Boileau, Lyle St. Goddard, Mackenzie Gray
(Unrated)- Physical violence, some sexual violence, gore, strong profanity, some nudity, strong sexual references, adult situations, some drug use, strong tobacco use, alcohol use
Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss (1998)
Sean Hayes plays Billy, a struggling photographer who falls for one of his models, who may or may not be homosexual.
Billy hangs out with best friend George (a hilarious Meredith Scott Lynn) in Los Angeles, where he moved after escaping from conservative Indiana. He is seeing shallow but hunky Fernando (Armando Valdes-Kennedy), who is already in a committed relationship. Their encounters are purely physical, and Billy longs for something more. Good friend Perry (Richard Ganoung) agrees to mentor Billy, providing him with equipment and money for his dream project- to photograph reenacted scenes from great Hollywood romance classics. Billy also meets Gabriel (Brad Rowe), a gorgeous waiter who gives Billy mixed signals about his sexuality. Gabriel has a girlfriend, plays in a heavy metal band, but feels comfortable with Billy and his gay friends, as if he hasn't come out yet. Gabriel is also introduced to successful photographer Rex (Paul Bartel), who suddenly decides to use Gabriel in an upcoming underwear ad, pulling the rug out from under Billy's plans. Soon, Billy is pursuing Gabriel, confiding to Perry, and making a fool of himself over this perfect man.
Sean Hayes does not just replay his "Will & Grace" character, Jack. Billy can be morose, emotional, and his stories about his life, illustrated with Polaroid pictures, are excellent. Rowe is also convincing as Gabriel, even the audience is kept in the dark about how he feels about Billy. The supporting cast is very good, as well. My one complaint is O'Haver's sometimes stilted direction. Once in a while, characters will stand in line, facing the camera and talking to each other, as if they were on a small off-off-Braodway stage. O'Haver does use the camera well with the fun fantasy sequences, but many of his basic dialogue scenes are awkward and underlit.
"Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss" is not a laugh-out-loud raucous comedy, but a smiling romance that does not make apologies about the sexual orientation of its characters- nor should it.
Stats:
(1998) 95 min. (7/10)
-Written and Directed by Tommy O'Haver
-Cast: Sean Hayes, Meredith Scott Lynn, Armando Valdes-Kennedy, Richard Ganoung, Brad Rowe, Paul Bartel, Annabelle Gurwitch, Holly Woodlawn, Christopher Bradley, Kimiko Gelman, Kiff Scholl, Matthew Ashford
(R)
Billy hangs out with best friend George (a hilarious Meredith Scott Lynn) in Los Angeles, where he moved after escaping from conservative Indiana. He is seeing shallow but hunky Fernando (Armando Valdes-Kennedy), who is already in a committed relationship. Their encounters are purely physical, and Billy longs for something more. Good friend Perry (Richard Ganoung) agrees to mentor Billy, providing him with equipment and money for his dream project- to photograph reenacted scenes from great Hollywood romance classics. Billy also meets Gabriel (Brad Rowe), a gorgeous waiter who gives Billy mixed signals about his sexuality. Gabriel has a girlfriend, plays in a heavy metal band, but feels comfortable with Billy and his gay friends, as if he hasn't come out yet. Gabriel is also introduced to successful photographer Rex (Paul Bartel), who suddenly decides to use Gabriel in an upcoming underwear ad, pulling the rug out from under Billy's plans. Soon, Billy is pursuing Gabriel, confiding to Perry, and making a fool of himself over this perfect man.
Sean Hayes does not just replay his "Will & Grace" character, Jack. Billy can be morose, emotional, and his stories about his life, illustrated with Polaroid pictures, are excellent. Rowe is also convincing as Gabriel, even the audience is kept in the dark about how he feels about Billy. The supporting cast is very good, as well. My one complaint is O'Haver's sometimes stilted direction. Once in a while, characters will stand in line, facing the camera and talking to each other, as if they were on a small off-off-Braodway stage. O'Haver does use the camera well with the fun fantasy sequences, but many of his basic dialogue scenes are awkward and underlit.
"Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss" is not a laugh-out-loud raucous comedy, but a smiling romance that does not make apologies about the sexual orientation of its characters- nor should it.
Stats:
(1998) 95 min. (7/10)
-Written and Directed by Tommy O'Haver
-Cast: Sean Hayes, Meredith Scott Lynn, Armando Valdes-Kennedy, Richard Ganoung, Brad Rowe, Paul Bartel, Annabelle Gurwitch, Holly Woodlawn, Christopher Bradley, Kimiko Gelman, Kiff Scholl, Matthew Ashford
(R)
Bill Cosby: Himself (1983)
Bill Cosby wrote and directed a concert film that provided enough material to launch his most successful sitcom.
The stage features Cosby, a chair, a microphone, and nothing else. He is caught on film in a Canadian concert, and sometimes acknowledges the audience. While Cosby is alone on the stage, he populates his routine with more characters than a David Lean film, all of them memorable. He opens with perhaps the funniest anti-drug and anti-alcohol rant ever done, more effective than the ads on airwaves today. He visits his dentist. He and his wife decide to have children, producing four daughters and a son. He covers childbirth, raising these "brain damaged" children, and his parents' reactions. He closes with a riff on living with his own parents, perhaps the funniest twenty minutes ever filmed at a live concert. Unless you are a toothless test tube orphan virgin, you will find something to associate with during the film, and this is why "Bill Cosby: Himself" is my all-time favorite comedy concert film. Cosby does not tell us how difficult it is to be rich, how tough kicking addictive narcotics is, or how to make up stupid nursery rhymes using profanity. He simply spins his tales, and the audience and viewer is able to find the humor in the universal themes.
When I watched this decades ago, I had two sons, ages three and seven, and I sympathized with everything that goes into being a father. I have one sister and two brothers, and sympathized with everything that went into being a bratty sibling. I have been to the dentist, I have been out having fun on the weekend "because I deserved it," and dragging back into work, happy to be alive. Bill Cosby knows his audience is full of average people, and vividly illustrates his routine using "characters" we all know. A reviewer once said "The Cos proves himself a master storyteller and a hilarious comic." He was much more than that.
In the intervening decades since this film was released his only son was brutally murdered, and he committed horrific assaults that permanently damaged his reputation, turning him from beloved to one of the most reviled people in the country. I had watched this film many times before the proven allegations serviced, but I'll never watch it again. I hate that I have to put a disclaimer on a film I loved so much, but here it is.
Stats:
-(1983) 105 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Bill Cosby
-Cast: Bill Cosby
(PG)
The stage features Cosby, a chair, a microphone, and nothing else. He is caught on film in a Canadian concert, and sometimes acknowledges the audience. While Cosby is alone on the stage, he populates his routine with more characters than a David Lean film, all of them memorable. He opens with perhaps the funniest anti-drug and anti-alcohol rant ever done, more effective than the ads on airwaves today. He visits his dentist. He and his wife decide to have children, producing four daughters and a son. He covers childbirth, raising these "brain damaged" children, and his parents' reactions. He closes with a riff on living with his own parents, perhaps the funniest twenty minutes ever filmed at a live concert. Unless you are a toothless test tube orphan virgin, you will find something to associate with during the film, and this is why "Bill Cosby: Himself" is my all-time favorite comedy concert film. Cosby does not tell us how difficult it is to be rich, how tough kicking addictive narcotics is, or how to make up stupid nursery rhymes using profanity. He simply spins his tales, and the audience and viewer is able to find the humor in the universal themes.
When I watched this decades ago, I had two sons, ages three and seven, and I sympathized with everything that goes into being a father. I have one sister and two brothers, and sympathized with everything that went into being a bratty sibling. I have been to the dentist, I have been out having fun on the weekend "because I deserved it," and dragging back into work, happy to be alive. Bill Cosby knows his audience is full of average people, and vividly illustrates his routine using "characters" we all know. A reviewer once said "The Cos proves himself a master storyteller and a hilarious comic." He was much more than that.
In the intervening decades since this film was released his only son was brutally murdered, and he committed horrific assaults that permanently damaged his reputation, turning him from beloved to one of the most reviled people in the country. I had watched this film many times before the proven allegations serviced, but I'll never watch it again. I hate that I have to put a disclaimer on a film I loved so much, but here it is.
Stats:
-(1983) 105 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Bill Cosby
-Cast: Bill Cosby
(PG)
Terrified (1995)
Heather Graham turns in one of her strongest performances in an otherwise straight-to-video thriller.
Olive (Heather Graham) is a secretary who picks up guys in bars for trysts in dark parking lots. She is a lonely and troubled widow, having witnessed her husband kill her lover before turning the gun on himself. By herself in a large L.A. apartment, Olive walks in on a mysterious man (Paul Herman), who punches her and flees. Police detective Joe (Rustam Branaman) takes a romantic liking to Olive, as does her best friend Pearl (Lisa Zane). Olive is still terrorized by the mysterious man, who stalks her on the streets, and puts her in the hospital. Olive begins to withdraw into paranoia as the attacks increase, and the police's help decreases.
Graham is the best thing going here. While she goes through the motions of a woman stalked, she is in almost every scene and builds tension convincingly. Her excusing attitude of her lovers is restrained and believable. Her best scene involves a conversation with her dead husband's brother, who she suspects of being involved in the attacks. The film is overloaded with peripheral characters who distract from the central, and obvious, plotline. The screenplay is sloppy about dropping clues to the ending, but Graham's energy keeps the viewer hooked. Most of the film takes place in Olive's apartment, making me wonder if this began life as a stage play. Merendino's direction is fine, the technical aspects are unremarkable, and the supporting cast is full of familiar faces. Don't put too much stock in the old DVD cover, photoshop programs seemed to be popular in those days.
"Terrified" did not have me terrified, or even slightly concerned. It did have me remembering better suspense films, and admiring Graham. Also known as "Evil Never Sleeps" and "Toughguy."
Stats:
(1995) 95 min. (6/10)
-Directed by James Merendino
-Written by Megan Heath and James Merendino
-Cast: Heather Graham, Lisa Zane, Paul Herman, Rustam Branaman, Balthazar Getty, Don Calfa, Richard Lynch, Carrie-Anne Moss, Max Perlich, Tom Bresnahan, Sal Landi, Danny Kuchuck, Peter Dobson, Rainer Judd, Apple Via
(R)
Olive (Heather Graham) is a secretary who picks up guys in bars for trysts in dark parking lots. She is a lonely and troubled widow, having witnessed her husband kill her lover before turning the gun on himself. By herself in a large L.A. apartment, Olive walks in on a mysterious man (Paul Herman), who punches her and flees. Police detective Joe (Rustam Branaman) takes a romantic liking to Olive, as does her best friend Pearl (Lisa Zane). Olive is still terrorized by the mysterious man, who stalks her on the streets, and puts her in the hospital. Olive begins to withdraw into paranoia as the attacks increase, and the police's help decreases.
Graham is the best thing going here. While she goes through the motions of a woman stalked, she is in almost every scene and builds tension convincingly. Her excusing attitude of her lovers is restrained and believable. Her best scene involves a conversation with her dead husband's brother, who she suspects of being involved in the attacks. The film is overloaded with peripheral characters who distract from the central, and obvious, plotline. The screenplay is sloppy about dropping clues to the ending, but Graham's energy keeps the viewer hooked. Most of the film takes place in Olive's apartment, making me wonder if this began life as a stage play. Merendino's direction is fine, the technical aspects are unremarkable, and the supporting cast is full of familiar faces. Don't put too much stock in the old DVD cover, photoshop programs seemed to be popular in those days.
"Terrified" did not have me terrified, or even slightly concerned. It did have me remembering better suspense films, and admiring Graham. Also known as "Evil Never Sleeps" and "Toughguy."
Stats:
(1995) 95 min. (6/10)
-Directed by James Merendino
-Written by Megan Heath and James Merendino
-Cast: Heather Graham, Lisa Zane, Paul Herman, Rustam Branaman, Balthazar Getty, Don Calfa, Richard Lynch, Carrie-Anne Moss, Max Perlich, Tom Bresnahan, Sal Landi, Danny Kuchuck, Peter Dobson, Rainer Judd, Apple Via
(R)
Erotic Point of View (1973)
A blocked author of sex books tries to get inspiration by observing various sex acts, some of which involve his blind secretary.
This film is as good as the scant plot description makes it sound. Another exercise in ineptitude, it commits a cardinal sin that many adult films commit- it is so boring. I found myself checking my phone instead of watching cast members try to improvise dialogue or watch some very cringey and uncomfortable sex scenes. There is no eroticism here, and I felt bad for everyone involved and hoped they went on to lead productive lives thinking this would never see the light of day.
How bad is "Erotic Point of View"? I've decided this will be the last adult film I'll ever review. I might see one from time to time, I've had a John Holmes project brewing in the back of my mind for years now, but yeah, that's all folks.
Stats:
(1973) 60 min. (1/10) out of five stars
-No Writer, Director, or Cast Credited
(X)- Some sexual violence, profanity, strong nudity, explicit sexual content, strong sexual references, strong adult situations, alcohol use, tobacco use
This film is as good as the scant plot description makes it sound. Another exercise in ineptitude, it commits a cardinal sin that many adult films commit- it is so boring. I found myself checking my phone instead of watching cast members try to improvise dialogue or watch some very cringey and uncomfortable sex scenes. There is no eroticism here, and I felt bad for everyone involved and hoped they went on to lead productive lives thinking this would never see the light of day.
How bad is "Erotic Point of View"? I've decided this will be the last adult film I'll ever review. I might see one from time to time, I've had a John Holmes project brewing in the back of my mind for years now, but yeah, that's all folks.
Stats:
(1973) 60 min. (1/10) out of five stars
-No Writer, Director, or Cast Credited
(X)- Some sexual violence, profanity, strong nudity, explicit sexual content, strong sexual references, strong adult situations, alcohol use, tobacco use
Come Deadly (1973)
Years ago, I got a kick out of vintage porn, believing all the hype that these films were actually prime examples of guerilla underground film making, breaking all the rules, and getting into the face of The Man and The Establishment. Today, as a middle-aged man with two young daughters, I've changed my opinion. Adult films are sad, and no one is better off for watching them.
A theater production is terrorized by a masked killer who sexually assaults his female victims. A cop (Kirt Jones) goes undercover to catch the murderer, and get in on some sexual action himself...yes, this is as bad as it sounds.
This is a nightmare of ineptitude. I realize shooting this type of film was illegal back in the day, but I rarely saw an adult film that was a technical marvel. The killer is easily identifiable because you can see who it is through their thin mask. One female cast member is raped and strangled, but then pops up alive in the next scene after you assume she was killed. There really isn't much direction, storytelling and character arcs were not on the minds of the film makers back then. The cast is terrible across the board, many of them acting under pseudonyms and the film reaches the reprehensible conclusion that rape can be enjoyed.
This was being pushed as a hardcore Giallo film, which sparked my interest. What do you know, film producers lied to get your hard-earned money. "Come Deadly" should go quietly.
Stats:
(1973) 60 min. (1/10) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Gil Kenston
-Cast: Kirt Jones, Cindy Johnson, Keith Erickson, Nina Fause, Maggie Williams, Peter Puluva, Hoss Slocum
(X)- Physical violence, explicit sexual violence, profanity, strong nudity, explicit sexual content, sexual references, strong adult situations, alcohol use
A theater production is terrorized by a masked killer who sexually assaults his female victims. A cop (Kirt Jones) goes undercover to catch the murderer, and get in on some sexual action himself...yes, this is as bad as it sounds.
This is a nightmare of ineptitude. I realize shooting this type of film was illegal back in the day, but I rarely saw an adult film that was a technical marvel. The killer is easily identifiable because you can see who it is through their thin mask. One female cast member is raped and strangled, but then pops up alive in the next scene after you assume she was killed. There really isn't much direction, storytelling and character arcs were not on the minds of the film makers back then. The cast is terrible across the board, many of them acting under pseudonyms and the film reaches the reprehensible conclusion that rape can be enjoyed.
This was being pushed as a hardcore Giallo film, which sparked my interest. What do you know, film producers lied to get your hard-earned money. "Come Deadly" should go quietly.
Stats:
(1973) 60 min. (1/10) out of five stars
-Written and Directed by Gil Kenston
-Cast: Kirt Jones, Cindy Johnson, Keith Erickson, Nina Fause, Maggie Williams, Peter Puluva, Hoss Slocum
(X)- Physical violence, explicit sexual violence, profanity, strong nudity, explicit sexual content, sexual references, strong adult situations, alcohol use
Amour de Femme (A Woman's Love) (2001)
Sylvie Verheyde directs this French film that shows us a lesbian relationship with predictable characters and results.
Jeanne (Helene Fillieres) is a bored masseuse married to David (Anthony Delon). At a birthday party for David's best friend Franck (Jeannick Gravelines), Jeanne is instantly attracted to Franck's flighty cousin Marie (Raffaela Anderson). Marie is a dancer, and Jeanne decides to take up the physical activity in Marie's class after ten years off to marry and raise a child. Marie and Jeanne begin a careful friendship, aware of their mutual attraction and eventual ramifications. The couple finally do find themselves together, and David and Franck both react the way you know they will.
The cast is very good, despite the material. Fillieres is a tall, classic beauty, and she often tries to overcome the terminal gloominess her character is suffering from. Anderson is also good, although the script's idea of "free spiritedness" is my idea of "kinda weird." Delon's David is all angst and fury, and Gravelines is not in enough scenes as Franck to register much. The "uninhibited free spirit pulls a straight arrow-type out of their cocoon, and shows them life as they have never seen it" plot has been done to death, and the addition of the lesbian romance is not unique enough to set the film apart from others of its ilk. Verheyde directs the film well enough, but by the time David commits an act to get back at Jeanne, I felt as much despair as the characters. This is a morose film, with little happiness, especially lacking the happiness of a new love. While the viewer might cheer for Marie and Jeanne, the two characters are so down about their situation, you might think Jeanne is better off with David, who comes off as a pretty good guy. David does not force his wife into the arms of another woman despite the old streaming service plot summary, but his overreaction to their relationship should have been a sharp, insulting, black-comedic dig at Jeanne, not more angst.
"Amour de Femme (A Woman's Love)" is an innocuous romance which might have benefited from a little levity. Also known as "Un Amour de Femme," this was an episode of "Combats de Femme."
Stats:
(2001) 89 min. (4/10)
-Written and Directed by Sylvie Verheyde
-Cast: Helene Fillieres, Anthony Delon, Jeannick Gravelines, Raffaela Anderson, William Wayolle, Karole Rocher, Thierno Sy, Roselyne Delpuech, Thierry Nzeutem, Francine Robillard, Mathias Thiberioz, Riton Liebman
(Not Rated)
Jeanne (Helene Fillieres) is a bored masseuse married to David (Anthony Delon). At a birthday party for David's best friend Franck (Jeannick Gravelines), Jeanne is instantly attracted to Franck's flighty cousin Marie (Raffaela Anderson). Marie is a dancer, and Jeanne decides to take up the physical activity in Marie's class after ten years off to marry and raise a child. Marie and Jeanne begin a careful friendship, aware of their mutual attraction and eventual ramifications. The couple finally do find themselves together, and David and Franck both react the way you know they will.
The cast is very good, despite the material. Fillieres is a tall, classic beauty, and she often tries to overcome the terminal gloominess her character is suffering from. Anderson is also good, although the script's idea of "free spiritedness" is my idea of "kinda weird." Delon's David is all angst and fury, and Gravelines is not in enough scenes as Franck to register much. The "uninhibited free spirit pulls a straight arrow-type out of their cocoon, and shows them life as they have never seen it" plot has been done to death, and the addition of the lesbian romance is not unique enough to set the film apart from others of its ilk. Verheyde directs the film well enough, but by the time David commits an act to get back at Jeanne, I felt as much despair as the characters. This is a morose film, with little happiness, especially lacking the happiness of a new love. While the viewer might cheer for Marie and Jeanne, the two characters are so down about their situation, you might think Jeanne is better off with David, who comes off as a pretty good guy. David does not force his wife into the arms of another woman despite the old streaming service plot summary, but his overreaction to their relationship should have been a sharp, insulting, black-comedic dig at Jeanne, not more angst.
"Amour de Femme (A Woman's Love)" is an innocuous romance which might have benefited from a little levity. Also known as "Un Amour de Femme," this was an episode of "Combats de Femme."
Stats:
(2001) 89 min. (4/10)
-Written and Directed by Sylvie Verheyde
-Cast: Helene Fillieres, Anthony Delon, Jeannick Gravelines, Raffaela Anderson, William Wayolle, Karole Rocher, Thierno Sy, Roselyne Delpuech, Thierry Nzeutem, Francine Robillard, Mathias Thiberioz, Riton Liebman
(Not Rated)
Bolero (1984)
Bo Derek is Lida, a fresh faced high school graduate (yeah, uh-huh) who idolizes Rudolph Valentino. She and best friend Catalina (Ana Obregon) travel to Morocco to find a sheik and seduce him. Lida is still a virgin, has just inherited a ton of money, and has chauffeur Cotton (a mortified George Kennedy) at her disposal. The sheik (Greg Bensen) thing doesn't go well, and the group travels to Spain. There, Lida falls for bullfighter Angel (Andrea Occhipinti). The two begin to fall in love, before he gets gored by a bull, and Lida tries to get him to rise to the occasion like before.
John Derek wrote and directed this film. Bo is in almost every scene. I am still trying to come up with a way to describe how badly both Dereks fail here. John's screenplay never engages the viewer. Lisa needs sex- so what? There is no conflict, just poor Bo spouting her husband's inane lines. What is worse is that John wrote some explicit sex scenes for Bo and her male co-stars. I don't know about you, but I find that a little weird. Bo Derek tries to play Lida as a wide-eyed innocent. She says her lines too softly and too earnestly, coming off less a virgin and more of a mentally challenged girl. The film takes place in the 1920's, but Bo sports the same Malibu Beach hairdo she has always had. The rest of the cast is lousy as well, including a Olivia d'Abo in her first major role. By the time this thing sputters to a conclusion, I was thankful "Bolero II" was never a possibility.
While "Swept Away" is one of the worst director husband/actress wife films of the new millennium, remember the 1980's, when John and Bo Derek haunted the theaters with this film and the equally horrifying "Tarzan the Ape Man." Then again, don't.
Stats:
(1984) 105 min. (1/10)
-Directed and Written by John Derek
-Cast: Bo Derek, George Kennedy, Ana Obregon, Greg Bensen, Andrea Occhipinti, Olivia d'Abo, Ian Cochrane, Mirta Miller, Mickey Knox, Paul Stacey, James Stacey
(R)
John Derek wrote and directed this film. Bo is in almost every scene. I am still trying to come up with a way to describe how badly both Dereks fail here. John's screenplay never engages the viewer. Lisa needs sex- so what? There is no conflict, just poor Bo spouting her husband's inane lines. What is worse is that John wrote some explicit sex scenes for Bo and her male co-stars. I don't know about you, but I find that a little weird. Bo Derek tries to play Lida as a wide-eyed innocent. She says her lines too softly and too earnestly, coming off less a virgin and more of a mentally challenged girl. The film takes place in the 1920's, but Bo sports the same Malibu Beach hairdo she has always had. The rest of the cast is lousy as well, including a Olivia d'Abo in her first major role. By the time this thing sputters to a conclusion, I was thankful "Bolero II" was never a possibility.
While "Swept Away" is one of the worst director husband/actress wife films of the new millennium, remember the 1980's, when John and Bo Derek haunted the theaters with this film and the equally horrifying "Tarzan the Ape Man." Then again, don't.
Stats:
(1984) 105 min. (1/10)
-Directed and Written by John Derek
-Cast: Bo Derek, George Kennedy, Ana Obregon, Greg Bensen, Andrea Occhipinti, Olivia d'Abo, Ian Cochrane, Mirta Miller, Mickey Knox, Paul Stacey, James Stacey
(R)
The Bone Collector (1999)
Oscar winners Denzel Washington and Angelina Jolie get caught up in a thriller more complicated than "Seven," and not as good.
Washington is paralyzed former New York City detective Lincoln Rhyme, who can only move his head and one index finger. He is confined to a bed after an on the job accident and is cared for by nurse Thelma (Queen Latifah). Amelia (Angelina Jolie) is a young cop trying to make it in the youth services division in the NYPD. She is running from personal demons of her own, including the suicide of her cop father. By chance, Amelia is the first on the scene of a gruesome discovery. As we have seen earlier, a wealthy couple is kidnapped by a rogue cabbie. The man's remains are found, and the killer leaves clues to where the woman is. Lincoln runs a miniature precinct out of his apartment, using his limited physical attributes to investigate and using Amelia to see what he would normally see. The team begins trailing the killer, trying to piece together the clues left at the crime scene. They are stopped at every turn by clicheed angry detective Cheney (Michael Rooker), who keeps reminding everyone Lincoln is no longer a cop, as more bodies turn up.
The other murders in here are almost unnecessary since the original intent of the story is to put Lincoln in danger to begin with. The killer is not easily guessed because the film makers throw in all sorts of red herring suspects, but by the end you probably will not care all that much. Washington and Jolie are very good here. Amelia gets some background characterization, which helps explain her bitterness, and it takes her a while to warm up to Lincoln. Washington is also good in a physically limited role, using his facial expressions to relate to the audience. His frequent seizures are convincing. The rest of the cast mostly runs around with their guns drawn, quipping with Lincoln on down time. A special mention should go to Queen Latifah- she won me over as the tough nurse whose primary responsibility is to her patient. The killings are based on old New York City history, and some of that is interesting. With this serial killer genre of film, the film makers do take logical leaps in trying to solve the crimes that most crime audiences may have a problem swallowing. The crimes are so overly complicated and really do not make much sense, considering the killer's final motive. Of course, the killer confesses everything in the climax, including why, and I thought this whole sequence was very weak. Director Noyce does a standard job with his camera, although I liked a lot of the shots of NYC we do not normally see, including the World Trade Center. The music is appropriately suspenseful, as is the cinematography.
In the end, "The Bone Collector" is strictly suspense by committee. The great actors they enlisted almost make up for the shoddy story and "seen it before" feel that you are left with. If anyone else had been cast in this, it would have been a serious flop. As it is, this is a B movie serial killer flick dressed up with onscreen talent. The film makers failed to back the cast up with something the audience could jump at. Remade as a television series.
Stats:
(1999) 118 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Phillip Noyce
-Screenplay by Jeremy Iacone based on the novel by Jeffrey Deaver
-Cast: Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie, Queen Latifah, Michael Rooker, Michael McGlone, Luis Guzman, Leland Orser, John Benjamin Hickey, Ed O'Neill, Bobby Cannavale, Richard Zeman, Gary Swanson, Olivia Birkelund
(R)
Washington is paralyzed former New York City detective Lincoln Rhyme, who can only move his head and one index finger. He is confined to a bed after an on the job accident and is cared for by nurse Thelma (Queen Latifah). Amelia (Angelina Jolie) is a young cop trying to make it in the youth services division in the NYPD. She is running from personal demons of her own, including the suicide of her cop father. By chance, Amelia is the first on the scene of a gruesome discovery. As we have seen earlier, a wealthy couple is kidnapped by a rogue cabbie. The man's remains are found, and the killer leaves clues to where the woman is. Lincoln runs a miniature precinct out of his apartment, using his limited physical attributes to investigate and using Amelia to see what he would normally see. The team begins trailing the killer, trying to piece together the clues left at the crime scene. They are stopped at every turn by clicheed angry detective Cheney (Michael Rooker), who keeps reminding everyone Lincoln is no longer a cop, as more bodies turn up.
The other murders in here are almost unnecessary since the original intent of the story is to put Lincoln in danger to begin with. The killer is not easily guessed because the film makers throw in all sorts of red herring suspects, but by the end you probably will not care all that much. Washington and Jolie are very good here. Amelia gets some background characterization, which helps explain her bitterness, and it takes her a while to warm up to Lincoln. Washington is also good in a physically limited role, using his facial expressions to relate to the audience. His frequent seizures are convincing. The rest of the cast mostly runs around with their guns drawn, quipping with Lincoln on down time. A special mention should go to Queen Latifah- she won me over as the tough nurse whose primary responsibility is to her patient. The killings are based on old New York City history, and some of that is interesting. With this serial killer genre of film, the film makers do take logical leaps in trying to solve the crimes that most crime audiences may have a problem swallowing. The crimes are so overly complicated and really do not make much sense, considering the killer's final motive. Of course, the killer confesses everything in the climax, including why, and I thought this whole sequence was very weak. Director Noyce does a standard job with his camera, although I liked a lot of the shots of NYC we do not normally see, including the World Trade Center. The music is appropriately suspenseful, as is the cinematography.
In the end, "The Bone Collector" is strictly suspense by committee. The great actors they enlisted almost make up for the shoddy story and "seen it before" feel that you are left with. If anyone else had been cast in this, it would have been a serious flop. As it is, this is a B movie serial killer flick dressed up with onscreen talent. The film makers failed to back the cast up with something the audience could jump at. Remade as a television series.
Stats:
(1999) 118 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Phillip Noyce
-Screenplay by Jeremy Iacone based on the novel by Jeffrey Deaver
-Cast: Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie, Queen Latifah, Michael Rooker, Michael McGlone, Luis Guzman, Leland Orser, John Benjamin Hickey, Ed O'Neill, Bobby Cannavale, Richard Zeman, Gary Swanson, Olivia Birkelund
(R)
Boom in the Moon (1946)
The great stone faced silent comedian Buster Keaton stars in one of the worst films of the 1940's. There are spoilers in this review.
He plays a sailor stranded at sea at the end of WWII. He washes up in Mexico, and turns himself in as a prisoner of war. He is mistaken for a mass murderer and sentenced to the electric chair. He and a prison buddy volunteer for a crazy professor's new invention- an atomic rocket to take them to the moon. The pair, and the professor's cute niece, get into the rocket, which flies only a few miles. They land in a field in their native Mexico, think it is the moon, and begin to try to contact the "moon men."
Where to begin? The film came out in 1946, way past Keaton's prime. He looks old and tired here. He still manages to do some painful looking slapstick, not that the story deserved it. He just rips off stuff that was funny twenty five years earlier. The film is Mexican, with a Mexican cast dubbed into English. Keaton obviously does not speak Spanish, so he stares blankly into space during most of the other characters' dialogue. To see this great comedian look completely lost in this stupid film is absolutely criminal. He knows when to say a line when his prison buddy either points at him or slaps him on the arm. Salvador's idea of direction is to nail the camera to the floor and let Keaton be "funny." Keaton has no idea what is going on in the story, but tries to make a scene hilarious by resorting to old tricks that do not work anymore. Even kids will be bored by the inane story that insults the collective intelligence of all who view it. The title, "Boom in the Moon," makes little sense as well. The screenwriters make a giant plot gaffe toward the end of the film. Keaton and his buddy (sorry, none of the characters have names) are on the ship and find out they have been exonerated for the murders. They both hear the report on a radio. Later, back on Earth and in prison, they are set free and await their fate because of the murders they are falsely accused of. The police captain tells them they have been exonerated and can go- but they already knew this, they heard it on the ship. Out of nowhere, they haul in a Mexican woman as Keaton's wife and he locks himself back in the cell. Cute joke, but the wife is never mentioned before in the film. Where did she come from? This kind of sloppiness is typical throughout. The special effects here make "Plan 9 from Outer Space" look like "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring." The rest of the Mexican cast are awful, and dubbed equally badly. Count the number of times you hear the word "vamos," it really gets irritating. The video company that released this must have won the rights to this in a fifty cent poker game. They should have saved the late Keaton some embarrassment and left it on the shelf.
Also known as "A Modern Bluebeard," this is my pick for the most inept film of the 1940's. Hopefully, you will not have to see this to prove me right.
Stats:
(1946) 105 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Jaime Salvador
-Written by Jaime Salvador, Victor Trivas
-Cast: Buster Keaton, Pedro Elviro, Angel Garasa, Jose Elias Moreno, Fernando Soto, Jose Torvay, Virginia Serret, Enriqueta Reza, Luis G. Barreiro, Guillermo Bravo Sosa, Ramon G. Larrea, Jorge Mondragon, Ignacio Peon
(Not Rated)
He plays a sailor stranded at sea at the end of WWII. He washes up in Mexico, and turns himself in as a prisoner of war. He is mistaken for a mass murderer and sentenced to the electric chair. He and a prison buddy volunteer for a crazy professor's new invention- an atomic rocket to take them to the moon. The pair, and the professor's cute niece, get into the rocket, which flies only a few miles. They land in a field in their native Mexico, think it is the moon, and begin to try to contact the "moon men."
Where to begin? The film came out in 1946, way past Keaton's prime. He looks old and tired here. He still manages to do some painful looking slapstick, not that the story deserved it. He just rips off stuff that was funny twenty five years earlier. The film is Mexican, with a Mexican cast dubbed into English. Keaton obviously does not speak Spanish, so he stares blankly into space during most of the other characters' dialogue. To see this great comedian look completely lost in this stupid film is absolutely criminal. He knows when to say a line when his prison buddy either points at him or slaps him on the arm. Salvador's idea of direction is to nail the camera to the floor and let Keaton be "funny." Keaton has no idea what is going on in the story, but tries to make a scene hilarious by resorting to old tricks that do not work anymore. Even kids will be bored by the inane story that insults the collective intelligence of all who view it. The title, "Boom in the Moon," makes little sense as well. The screenwriters make a giant plot gaffe toward the end of the film. Keaton and his buddy (sorry, none of the characters have names) are on the ship and find out they have been exonerated for the murders. They both hear the report on a radio. Later, back on Earth and in prison, they are set free and await their fate because of the murders they are falsely accused of. The police captain tells them they have been exonerated and can go- but they already knew this, they heard it on the ship. Out of nowhere, they haul in a Mexican woman as Keaton's wife and he locks himself back in the cell. Cute joke, but the wife is never mentioned before in the film. Where did she come from? This kind of sloppiness is typical throughout. The special effects here make "Plan 9 from Outer Space" look like "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring." The rest of the Mexican cast are awful, and dubbed equally badly. Count the number of times you hear the word "vamos," it really gets irritating. The video company that released this must have won the rights to this in a fifty cent poker game. They should have saved the late Keaton some embarrassment and left it on the shelf.
Also known as "A Modern Bluebeard," this is my pick for the most inept film of the 1940's. Hopefully, you will not have to see this to prove me right.
Stats:
(1946) 105 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Jaime Salvador
-Written by Jaime Salvador, Victor Trivas
-Cast: Buster Keaton, Pedro Elviro, Angel Garasa, Jose Elias Moreno, Fernando Soto, Jose Torvay, Virginia Serret, Enriqueta Reza, Luis G. Barreiro, Guillermo Bravo Sosa, Ramon G. Larrea, Jorge Mondragon, Ignacio Peon
(Not Rated)
Thursday, November 28, 2024
Antichrist (2009)
I hate Lars von Trier. Among some of the worst films I have ever seen rest "Breaking the Waves," "Dancer in the Dark," and the artsy-putrid "Dogville."
An unnamed married couple (Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe) have a stolen sexual moment together. Their toddler son, the only other cast member, tumbles out of their apartment window to his death. Dafoe, a therapist, retreats to the family's cabin in the woods with the still grieving Gainsbourg. Being a better therapist than a husband, Dafoe tries to draw Gainsbourg out, and the two begin manipulating each other psychologically. Eventually, violence is resorted to, as von Trier grabs the viewer by the throat and makes us watch wide-eyed at what seemingly rational and educated human beings are capable of doing to each other and themselves.
Across the world, von Trier's work has generated many a thesis, film studies book, and dissertation. I have a feeling everyone with an opinion about this film will have a different take on it, with none of them being wrong. For the purpose of this review, I will stick to the filmic aspects. Both Dafoe and Gainsbourg are astounding. Dafoe is one of the most interesting actors working, unafraid of this intense material. I only remembered Gainsbourg as a demure "Jane Eyre" a few years ago, but she, too, inhabits her character. I don't know who else was approached to play this hopelessly damaged couple, but I cannot imagine any other performers doing this. Dafoe and Gainsbourg turn in the best performances of their careers.
Von Trier's screenplay is like none I have seen filmed. We have a psychological domestic drama played against a Sam Raimi/"Evil Dead" backdrop. The scary monsters aren't under the bed, and aren't hiding in the woods. They are in the heads of our couple, and manifest themselves in Nature itself. I've never been a fan of von Trier's "kinetic" direction, the shaky Dogme crap drove me nuts, but this style doesn't seem as pronounced here. I don't know if von Trier's confidence in his own material finally peaked, but I really appreciated it. The film's look is beautiful and dark, the music and sound are deft, and the other technical aspects are hard to forget. Film critic Roger Ebert wrote that through this film, von Trier had shaken him. I would add to that statement and say that I can't shake this film. I am a fan of the obscure and avant-garde, and "Antichrist" affected me like no film since "Pixote." This film is infuriating, vile, and nihilistic, but will also ruin other films for you, at least for a few days.
I still hate Lars von Trier, but thanks to "Antichrist," I now respect him.
Stats:
(2009) 108 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Lars von Trier
-Cast: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Willem Dafoe
(Unrated)
An unnamed married couple (Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe) have a stolen sexual moment together. Their toddler son, the only other cast member, tumbles out of their apartment window to his death. Dafoe, a therapist, retreats to the family's cabin in the woods with the still grieving Gainsbourg. Being a better therapist than a husband, Dafoe tries to draw Gainsbourg out, and the two begin manipulating each other psychologically. Eventually, violence is resorted to, as von Trier grabs the viewer by the throat and makes us watch wide-eyed at what seemingly rational and educated human beings are capable of doing to each other and themselves.
Across the world, von Trier's work has generated many a thesis, film studies book, and dissertation. I have a feeling everyone with an opinion about this film will have a different take on it, with none of them being wrong. For the purpose of this review, I will stick to the filmic aspects. Both Dafoe and Gainsbourg are astounding. Dafoe is one of the most interesting actors working, unafraid of this intense material. I only remembered Gainsbourg as a demure "Jane Eyre" a few years ago, but she, too, inhabits her character. I don't know who else was approached to play this hopelessly damaged couple, but I cannot imagine any other performers doing this. Dafoe and Gainsbourg turn in the best performances of their careers.
Von Trier's screenplay is like none I have seen filmed. We have a psychological domestic drama played against a Sam Raimi/"Evil Dead" backdrop. The scary monsters aren't under the bed, and aren't hiding in the woods. They are in the heads of our couple, and manifest themselves in Nature itself. I've never been a fan of von Trier's "kinetic" direction, the shaky Dogme crap drove me nuts, but this style doesn't seem as pronounced here. I don't know if von Trier's confidence in his own material finally peaked, but I really appreciated it. The film's look is beautiful and dark, the music and sound are deft, and the other technical aspects are hard to forget. Film critic Roger Ebert wrote that through this film, von Trier had shaken him. I would add to that statement and say that I can't shake this film. I am a fan of the obscure and avant-garde, and "Antichrist" affected me like no film since "Pixote." This film is infuriating, vile, and nihilistic, but will also ruin other films for you, at least for a few days.
I still hate Lars von Trier, but thanks to "Antichrist," I now respect him.
Stats:
(2009) 108 min. (10/10)
-Written and Directed by Lars von Trier
-Cast: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Willem Dafoe
(Unrated)
The Bounty Huntress (2001)
Take one porn film, remove said element of porn, and what are you left with? This.
J.C. (Mary Shannon as Nicki Dolan) is a bounty hunter who uses her good looks to capture horny unsuspecting criminals. She works for the oily Benny (Dillon Morgan Silver), who teams her with rival Lance (Jason Schnuit) on her toughest assignment yet. They must track down a mob informant last seen in the company of two hookers (Devinn Lane and Kimber Lynn), plus J.C.'s ex-husband Tom (John Russell Hughes as Justin R. Hughes III), a district attorney, gets involved in the case.
Aside from the terrible acting, poor directing, laughable script, and over-reliance on stock footage, how do I know this was porn? For one thing, Devinn Lane's name is in the title. I am familiar with her work from some godawful thing I saw a few months back...I remember her in a book store with some other women, and they were not boning up on their Longfellow. Anyway, at the end of the credits, the producers proudly proclaim, or is it disclaim, that the bothersome "of legal age" law does not apply to this production. To use another less obvious clue, all of the sex scenes are very soft softcore. I am not talking "Red Shoe Diaries" softcore, I am talking about tens of minutes of footage being removed from between two characters' tentative stripping and the naughty post-coital afterglow basking and redressing, with just a fair amount of nudity on display. The story runs all of seventy minutes, including the credits. So, when all the porn is edited away, you are left with just story, and it is a lousy one at that. I am not sure about the cast's ability between the sheets (except for Lane), but when it comes to rudimentary acting skills like delivering dialogue or creating a character, everyone fails miserably. The set design deserves special disparaging mention. I was fascinated with district attorney Tom's office, where his desk and walls are all painted a color best described as "fecal." At one point in the film, a major character is murdered offscreen, and the cast reacts with such indifference I am convinced the actors could not remember what part the victim played in the film.
"The Bounty Huntress" even spawned a couple of video sequels, but I think I have had enough of the series. This is one bad film. Also known as "Beautiful Bounty," and is listed online with many different running times.
Stats:
(2001) 98 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Madison Monroe
-Written by Karen Stone
-Cast: Mary Shannon, Dillon Morgan Silver, Jason Schnuit, Devinn Lane, Kimber Lynn, John Russell Hughes, Sebastien Guy, David Garrison, Nick Pellegrino, Keri Windsor, Kaz Flair, George Thomas, Brandon Kealona
(R)
J.C. (Mary Shannon as Nicki Dolan) is a bounty hunter who uses her good looks to capture horny unsuspecting criminals. She works for the oily Benny (Dillon Morgan Silver), who teams her with rival Lance (Jason Schnuit) on her toughest assignment yet. They must track down a mob informant last seen in the company of two hookers (Devinn Lane and Kimber Lynn), plus J.C.'s ex-husband Tom (John Russell Hughes as Justin R. Hughes III), a district attorney, gets involved in the case.
Aside from the terrible acting, poor directing, laughable script, and over-reliance on stock footage, how do I know this was porn? For one thing, Devinn Lane's name is in the title. I am familiar with her work from some godawful thing I saw a few months back...I remember her in a book store with some other women, and they were not boning up on their Longfellow. Anyway, at the end of the credits, the producers proudly proclaim, or is it disclaim, that the bothersome "of legal age" law does not apply to this production. To use another less obvious clue, all of the sex scenes are very soft softcore. I am not talking "Red Shoe Diaries" softcore, I am talking about tens of minutes of footage being removed from between two characters' tentative stripping and the naughty post-coital afterglow basking and redressing, with just a fair amount of nudity on display. The story runs all of seventy minutes, including the credits. So, when all the porn is edited away, you are left with just story, and it is a lousy one at that. I am not sure about the cast's ability between the sheets (except for Lane), but when it comes to rudimentary acting skills like delivering dialogue or creating a character, everyone fails miserably. The set design deserves special disparaging mention. I was fascinated with district attorney Tom's office, where his desk and walls are all painted a color best described as "fecal." At one point in the film, a major character is murdered offscreen, and the cast reacts with such indifference I am convinced the actors could not remember what part the victim played in the film.
"The Bounty Huntress" even spawned a couple of video sequels, but I think I have had enough of the series. This is one bad film. Also known as "Beautiful Bounty," and is listed online with many different running times.
Stats:
(2001) 98 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Madison Monroe
-Written by Karen Stone
-Cast: Mary Shannon, Dillon Morgan Silver, Jason Schnuit, Devinn Lane, Kimber Lynn, John Russell Hughes, Sebastien Guy, David Garrison, Nick Pellegrino, Keri Windsor, Kaz Flair, George Thomas, Brandon Kealona
(R)
Anything Else (2003)
Iconic writer/director Woody Allen tries to do a modern romantic comedy that is surprisingly unfunny, and rips himself off in turn.
Jerry Falk (Jason Biggs) is a twenty-one year old comedy writer living in New York City. He meets sixty-one year old comedy writer David Dobel (Woody Allen), a paranoid teacher who stashes guns and survival equipment to protect himself in case the Nazis ever rise again. Jerry is in a committed relationship with the beautiful and sexy Amanda (Christina Ricci). Jerry fell in love with her at first sight, and once their whirlwind romance was consummated and they moved in together, trouble began. Jerry tries to hold his life together, dealing with such stock characters as Amanda's obnoxious mother, Laura (Stockard Channing), and his hopelessly inept manager Harvey (Danny DeVito). Jerry faces a life changing decision, whether to move to California to write for television with David, or try to stick it out with the flaky Amanda.
For years, the then-new round of endless romantic comedies have sometimes ripped off Woody Allen. Urbane city dwellers who have apartment issues while seeing bored psychoanalysts are characters I have come to accept as par without really understanding or caring about them. "Anything Else" rubbed me the wrong way, all the way through. I had the exact same reaction to Amanda as I did to Andie MacDowell's character in "Four Weddings and a Funeral"- what does this guy see in her? Ricci's Amanda starts out as the ideal woman, then the gloves come off and she immediately flakes out and becomes annoying. Biggs is hot and cold as Jerry. Sometimes he takes his Allen impression way over the top, since all of Allen's leading men are basically playing him, but in other scenes his comic timing is dead on- trying to cover up his secret date with Amanda to his then-current girlfriend. Allen miscasts himself as the brilliant but disturbed David. His paranoid fantasies are funny, his jokes about the rough school he works at are funny, but Allen delivers all the lines in the exact same way he has been delivering lines onscreen for decades. What Christopher Walken could have done with this part! Stockard Channing's Laura is straight out of a TV sitcom. Danny DeVito has the best scenes, a manager who has no business experience outside of the garment district, all of his stories and examples involve clothing. Jimmy Fallon is wasted in a cameo as one of Amanda's boyfriends, he's completely lost. Allen filmed a lot of the scenes in Central Park in what looks like summertime, and the film is nice to look at. Diana Krall plays herself, and jazz is sprinkled throughout, creating just the right mood. Technically, the film is very good, but all the pretty pictures cannot mask one of Allen's weakest scripts. Allen tries to one-up the cocaine scene from "Annie Hall," unsuccessfully, and how many times do we need to see the psychiatrist who sits by while the main character spills their guts out- only to ask the wrong question or tell them their time is up at the cusp of a breakthrough?
"Anything Else" caught me off guard, especially at how boring it sometimes becomes. The young cast seems willing, but Allen brings them down with limp execution. Anything else, indeed.
Stats:
(2003) 108 min. (4/10)
-Written and Directed by Woody Allen
-Cast: Jason Biggs, Christina Ricci, Woody Allen, Stockard Channing, Danny DeVito, Fisher Stevens, Diana Krall, Jimmy Fallon, Adrian Grenier, Anthony Arkin, KaDee Strickland, William Hill, Maurice Sonnenberg
(R)
Jerry Falk (Jason Biggs) is a twenty-one year old comedy writer living in New York City. He meets sixty-one year old comedy writer David Dobel (Woody Allen), a paranoid teacher who stashes guns and survival equipment to protect himself in case the Nazis ever rise again. Jerry is in a committed relationship with the beautiful and sexy Amanda (Christina Ricci). Jerry fell in love with her at first sight, and once their whirlwind romance was consummated and they moved in together, trouble began. Jerry tries to hold his life together, dealing with such stock characters as Amanda's obnoxious mother, Laura (Stockard Channing), and his hopelessly inept manager Harvey (Danny DeVito). Jerry faces a life changing decision, whether to move to California to write for television with David, or try to stick it out with the flaky Amanda.
For years, the then-new round of endless romantic comedies have sometimes ripped off Woody Allen. Urbane city dwellers who have apartment issues while seeing bored psychoanalysts are characters I have come to accept as par without really understanding or caring about them. "Anything Else" rubbed me the wrong way, all the way through. I had the exact same reaction to Amanda as I did to Andie MacDowell's character in "Four Weddings and a Funeral"- what does this guy see in her? Ricci's Amanda starts out as the ideal woman, then the gloves come off and she immediately flakes out and becomes annoying. Biggs is hot and cold as Jerry. Sometimes he takes his Allen impression way over the top, since all of Allen's leading men are basically playing him, but in other scenes his comic timing is dead on- trying to cover up his secret date with Amanda to his then-current girlfriend. Allen miscasts himself as the brilliant but disturbed David. His paranoid fantasies are funny, his jokes about the rough school he works at are funny, but Allen delivers all the lines in the exact same way he has been delivering lines onscreen for decades. What Christopher Walken could have done with this part! Stockard Channing's Laura is straight out of a TV sitcom. Danny DeVito has the best scenes, a manager who has no business experience outside of the garment district, all of his stories and examples involve clothing. Jimmy Fallon is wasted in a cameo as one of Amanda's boyfriends, he's completely lost. Allen filmed a lot of the scenes in Central Park in what looks like summertime, and the film is nice to look at. Diana Krall plays herself, and jazz is sprinkled throughout, creating just the right mood. Technically, the film is very good, but all the pretty pictures cannot mask one of Allen's weakest scripts. Allen tries to one-up the cocaine scene from "Annie Hall," unsuccessfully, and how many times do we need to see the psychiatrist who sits by while the main character spills their guts out- only to ask the wrong question or tell them their time is up at the cusp of a breakthrough?
"Anything Else" caught me off guard, especially at how boring it sometimes becomes. The young cast seems willing, but Allen brings them down with limp execution. Anything else, indeed.
Stats:
(2003) 108 min. (4/10)
-Written and Directed by Woody Allen
-Cast: Jason Biggs, Christina Ricci, Woody Allen, Stockard Channing, Danny DeVito, Fisher Stevens, Diana Krall, Jimmy Fallon, Adrian Grenier, Anthony Arkin, KaDee Strickland, William Hill, Maurice Sonnenberg
(R)
The Bounty Man (1972)
Clint Walker is mean bounty hunter Kincaid in this early 1970's made-for-TV Western.
He rides into town to dump his latest capture, and makes the local saloonflies mad in the process. The hangers-on, led by Keough (Richard Basehart), decide to get back at Kincaid for refusing to buy them a drink with his new found wealth. Kincaid leaves to capture a $5000 reward by getting Billy Riddle (John Ericson). He spirits Riddle away from a ghost town/criminal hangout, but also gets some extra baggage in the form of Ericson's girlfriend Mae (Margot Kidder). As Riddle and Mae speak in whispers and plan their escape, Riddle's gang decides to take him from Kincaid and claim the reward as their own. Suddenly, a routine bounty for Kincaid turns into something else as he must deal with enemies on two fronts.
Walker bares a resemblance to Tom Selleck, and is just fine here. He is not the nice guy from other films I have seen him in, and his story about what happened to his wife explains the bitterness in his character. Walker should have had a much larger career in westerns than he did. Kidder is very good as Mae, the prostitute who falls for Riddle. Some of her dialogue is a little shrill, but she handles it well and turns in a performance that is smart. Basehart is the creepy head of the gang that rides after Walker. It is almost refreshing to have villains who want one thing, money, and have no past history or old scores to settle with the hero. The film is a brief seventy four minutes, so any deep meanings and characterization is lost, save Walker and Kidder. This is also the kind of film where the good guy must win, must hit everything he shoots at, must turn the bad girl good, and all of that is here. A real plus is Moxey's direction, which is neither boring nor fanciful. He shows real nuts-and-bolts camera moves, not trying to take away from his leads or the action taking place. The title song and musical score are a mess, done by a forgotten pop group called The Orphanage.
"The Bounty Man" is a basic western that delivers the goods, and does not want much from its audience in return. It is entertaining and watchable, but I do not think the members of the television academy overlooked it for any awards.
Stats:
(1972) 73 min. (7/10)
-Directed by John Llewellyn Moxey
-Written by Jim Byrnes
-Cast: Clint Walker, Richard Basehart, John Ericson, Margot Kidder, Gene Evans, Arthur Hunnicutt, Rex Holman, Wayne Sutherlin, Paul Harper, Dennis Cross, Vincent St. Cyr, Hal Needham, Glenn R. Wilder, Rita Conde
(Not Rated)
He rides into town to dump his latest capture, and makes the local saloonflies mad in the process. The hangers-on, led by Keough (Richard Basehart), decide to get back at Kincaid for refusing to buy them a drink with his new found wealth. Kincaid leaves to capture a $5000 reward by getting Billy Riddle (John Ericson). He spirits Riddle away from a ghost town/criminal hangout, but also gets some extra baggage in the form of Ericson's girlfriend Mae (Margot Kidder). As Riddle and Mae speak in whispers and plan their escape, Riddle's gang decides to take him from Kincaid and claim the reward as their own. Suddenly, a routine bounty for Kincaid turns into something else as he must deal with enemies on two fronts.
Walker bares a resemblance to Tom Selleck, and is just fine here. He is not the nice guy from other films I have seen him in, and his story about what happened to his wife explains the bitterness in his character. Walker should have had a much larger career in westerns than he did. Kidder is very good as Mae, the prostitute who falls for Riddle. Some of her dialogue is a little shrill, but she handles it well and turns in a performance that is smart. Basehart is the creepy head of the gang that rides after Walker. It is almost refreshing to have villains who want one thing, money, and have no past history or old scores to settle with the hero. The film is a brief seventy four minutes, so any deep meanings and characterization is lost, save Walker and Kidder. This is also the kind of film where the good guy must win, must hit everything he shoots at, must turn the bad girl good, and all of that is here. A real plus is Moxey's direction, which is neither boring nor fanciful. He shows real nuts-and-bolts camera moves, not trying to take away from his leads or the action taking place. The title song and musical score are a mess, done by a forgotten pop group called The Orphanage.
"The Bounty Man" is a basic western that delivers the goods, and does not want much from its audience in return. It is entertaining and watchable, but I do not think the members of the television academy overlooked it for any awards.
Stats:
(1972) 73 min. (7/10)
-Directed by John Llewellyn Moxey
-Written by Jim Byrnes
-Cast: Clint Walker, Richard Basehart, John Ericson, Margot Kidder, Gene Evans, Arthur Hunnicutt, Rex Holman, Wayne Sutherlin, Paul Harper, Dennis Cross, Vincent St. Cyr, Hal Needham, Glenn R. Wilder, Rita Conde
(Not Rated)
Apache Blood (1973)
This mess ranks up there, or down there, with the absolute worst films ever made, Western or otherwise.
Bold, unimportant narration tells us that Chief Yellow Shirt (Ray Danton) is hunting down white men because they broke a treaty. He and all three of his braves find a small squad of U.S. soldiers and take after them. Among the soldiers is Sam Glass (Dewitt Lee), a mountain man who is attacked by a bear in the funniest scene in the movie and left for dead. I assume one of the writers was familiar with "The Revenant" story. Sam eventually regains consciousness and starts fighting off the warriors while trying to catch up with the soldiers. Eventually, both sides are killed down to Yellow Shirt and Sam, who now race across the desert, try to outsmart each other, and survive wind storms, snakes, and hallucinations of their respective women.
I cannot give too much away from the ending because I am still trying to figure it out. Let me just say it is perhaps the stupidest plot twist of all time, and do not take this as a peaking of your curiosity to go find this thing. The editing seems to have been done with a chainsaw. This is beyond bad, this is so inept you will want to hurl things at the television, whether it be physical objects or your semi-digested lunch. The acting is terrible, the direction seems to have been achieved by one of my toddlers, and the film is padded so heavily to stretch this to an hour and a half, you could use the screenplay as a flotation device in the event of a water landing.
How this was made, marketed, dubbed onto video, and found its way to my local video store decades ago is a great mystery that may never be answered through the coming ages, but I guarantee you will be hard pressed to watch a more idiotic example of film making. Also known as "Pursuit," this is a waste of time and money.
Stats:
(1973) 86 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Vern Piehl
-Screenplay by Dewitt Lee and Jack Lee
-Cast: Ray Danton, Dewitt Lee, Troy Nabors, Diane Taylor, Jason Clark, Dave Robart, William Chadwick, Carl Mancini, Earl Baldwin, Wilford 'Whizzer' White, Carl Nelson, Jack Lee, Eva Kovacs
(R)
Bold, unimportant narration tells us that Chief Yellow Shirt (Ray Danton) is hunting down white men because they broke a treaty. He and all three of his braves find a small squad of U.S. soldiers and take after them. Among the soldiers is Sam Glass (Dewitt Lee), a mountain man who is attacked by a bear in the funniest scene in the movie and left for dead. I assume one of the writers was familiar with "The Revenant" story. Sam eventually regains consciousness and starts fighting off the warriors while trying to catch up with the soldiers. Eventually, both sides are killed down to Yellow Shirt and Sam, who now race across the desert, try to outsmart each other, and survive wind storms, snakes, and hallucinations of their respective women.
I cannot give too much away from the ending because I am still trying to figure it out. Let me just say it is perhaps the stupidest plot twist of all time, and do not take this as a peaking of your curiosity to go find this thing. The editing seems to have been done with a chainsaw. This is beyond bad, this is so inept you will want to hurl things at the television, whether it be physical objects or your semi-digested lunch. The acting is terrible, the direction seems to have been achieved by one of my toddlers, and the film is padded so heavily to stretch this to an hour and a half, you could use the screenplay as a flotation device in the event of a water landing.
How this was made, marketed, dubbed onto video, and found its way to my local video store decades ago is a great mystery that may never be answered through the coming ages, but I guarantee you will be hard pressed to watch a more idiotic example of film making. Also known as "Pursuit," this is a waste of time and money.
Stats:
(1973) 86 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Vern Piehl
-Screenplay by Dewitt Lee and Jack Lee
-Cast: Ray Danton, Dewitt Lee, Troy Nabors, Diane Taylor, Jason Clark, Dave Robart, William Chadwick, Carl Mancini, Earl Baldwin, Wilford 'Whizzer' White, Carl Nelson, Jack Lee, Eva Kovacs
(R)
Exhibition (1975)
The only thing notable about this navel-gazing documentary detailing the life of a French "erotic" film actress was its acceptance into the mainstream New York Film Festival (so chic!). While scandalous in its day, the film is an exercise in tedium, with occasional explicit sex scenes to wake a snoozing audience.
Claudine Beccarie is a thirty-year old porn actress. She handles all of her own job offers and representation, so director Jean-Francois Davy captures her on phone calls lining up work and trying to get paid for past performances. The hardcore sexual scenes in the film are not from any of her previous films, however. Davy sets up Beccarie and some of her co-stars to have sex on cue, and then talks to them about the psychology of what they are doing. We get to have an obligatorily uncomfortable interview with Beccarie and her mother, both of whom remember Claudine's upbringing a little differently, and Beccarie's fiance, who is ten years her junior.
Davy is more fascinated with Claudine than the viewer is. Most of the female actresses have overly-plucked eyebrows, so they wear an expression of mild surprise during the screen time. Beccarie is an attractive woman who could have had a career in mainstream films if she had chosen that route. Instead, she seems to be working on her inner demons through pornographic film making, touting her individualism and freedom. The mid-70's decor and fashion are hilarious. Davy spends a lot of time onscreen himself, in scenes that seem planned and artificial. Claudine's story of living in a brothel after leaving home as a teenager sounds like the plot to a soap opera she had watched pre-interview. One sex scene with her and an attractive young man is cringe-worthy because the man either doesn't speak French and cannot respond to Claudine's questions and direction, or he might be mentally deficient. It's odd that we watch Claudine and her friends in all their naked glory, copulate on camera, get an interview with the people in her life, yet the one subject she refuses to discuss is her politics.
Sitting through the two weird epilogues, and a cursory online check, shows this entire two-hour exercise, which took me days to watch, is moot. For all of Beccarie's condescension about the porn film business- what she does is erotica, not porn- and her slamming of that new American hit "Deep Throat," she ended up leaving the hardcore sexual film industry a year or two after this was made. Davy would go on to make other "Exhibition" films, focusing on a different subject, but if they are anything like this, I don't want to spend another two hours or so having to listen to the drivel, unless it's coming from an actress named Beatrice Harnois who pops up way too late in this film, and is unbelievably, sadly beautiful. Her initial scene is a yawn-fest as one actress reads some erotica she wrote (yeah, right) while the cast members badly act it out. This one star's story got two stars from me years ago when I initially reviewed it, but now I grade all porn with zero stars.
Stats:
(1975) 110 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Jean-Francois Davy
-Cast: Claudine Beccarie, Benoit Archenoul, Noelle Louvet, Beatrice Harnois, Frederique Barral, Jean-Francois Davy, Michel Dauba, Ellen Earl, Patrick Segalas, Mandarine, Noel Simsolo, Didier Faya
(X)
Claudine Beccarie is a thirty-year old porn actress. She handles all of her own job offers and representation, so director Jean-Francois Davy captures her on phone calls lining up work and trying to get paid for past performances. The hardcore sexual scenes in the film are not from any of her previous films, however. Davy sets up Beccarie and some of her co-stars to have sex on cue, and then talks to them about the psychology of what they are doing. We get to have an obligatorily uncomfortable interview with Beccarie and her mother, both of whom remember Claudine's upbringing a little differently, and Beccarie's fiance, who is ten years her junior.
Davy is more fascinated with Claudine than the viewer is. Most of the female actresses have overly-plucked eyebrows, so they wear an expression of mild surprise during the screen time. Beccarie is an attractive woman who could have had a career in mainstream films if she had chosen that route. Instead, she seems to be working on her inner demons through pornographic film making, touting her individualism and freedom. The mid-70's decor and fashion are hilarious. Davy spends a lot of time onscreen himself, in scenes that seem planned and artificial. Claudine's story of living in a brothel after leaving home as a teenager sounds like the plot to a soap opera she had watched pre-interview. One sex scene with her and an attractive young man is cringe-worthy because the man either doesn't speak French and cannot respond to Claudine's questions and direction, or he might be mentally deficient. It's odd that we watch Claudine and her friends in all their naked glory, copulate on camera, get an interview with the people in her life, yet the one subject she refuses to discuss is her politics.
Sitting through the two weird epilogues, and a cursory online check, shows this entire two-hour exercise, which took me days to watch, is moot. For all of Beccarie's condescension about the porn film business- what she does is erotica, not porn- and her slamming of that new American hit "Deep Throat," she ended up leaving the hardcore sexual film industry a year or two after this was made. Davy would go on to make other "Exhibition" films, focusing on a different subject, but if they are anything like this, I don't want to spend another two hours or so having to listen to the drivel, unless it's coming from an actress named Beatrice Harnois who pops up way too late in this film, and is unbelievably, sadly beautiful. Her initial scene is a yawn-fest as one actress reads some erotica she wrote (yeah, right) while the cast members badly act it out. This one star's story got two stars from me years ago when I initially reviewed it, but now I grade all porn with zero stars.
Stats:
(1975) 110 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Jean-Francois Davy
-Cast: Claudine Beccarie, Benoit Archenoul, Noelle Louvet, Beatrice Harnois, Frederique Barral, Jean-Francois Davy, Michel Dauba, Ellen Earl, Patrick Segalas, Mandarine, Noel Simsolo, Didier Faya
(X)
Henry Miller: Prophet of Desire (2017)
I've read one book written by Henry Miller- The Books in My Life, a rambling but interesting tome about Miller's literary influences and recommendations (I'm obsessed with other people's personal libraries). After watching this short documentary about Miller, I wished I had kept that book for insight into Miller's thinking- something this film does not accomplish.
Miller was the son of German immigrants, born in New York City in 1891. He had a difficult relationship with his parents, especially his mother, who rarely (if ever) showed Henry any parental affection. He began to rebel, and wanted to leave not only New York City, but the United States. He traveled to Paris, and lived an impoverished life, writing some scandalous novels that would eventually be banned in the United States and Great Britain.
Miller's writings were sexually explicit, but as the documentary illustrates, he was not a sexual deviant (in his friends' and family's eyes). He was married five times, always pursuing an ideal love that he never received from his mother. When he would find a woman he wanted, he put her on a pedestal, although these very human women would have flaws that would disappoint Miller, and he would move on to his next pursuit. He blamed his German heritage for staying the course in his early life, never straying from the path that he must take to get ahead in the world, despite a curiosity that would overwhelm him. He would eventually die in Los Angeles in 1980 at the age of 88.
Gero von Hoehm assembles a somewhat interesting piece that is maddeningly short. No quotations are taken from any of Miller's work, and the result feels like a filmed encyclopedia article. Footage is taken from earlier documentaries, and this made me want to seek those out instead. Henry Miller was a difficult man to get to "know" through the film medium, despite the interviews with his friends, biographer, and son as well as some infamous film adaptations of his infamous novels and life ("Tropic of Cancer," "Quiet Days in Clichy," and "Henry & June").
Much like his book on writing, I started to see parallels between Miller's life and my own. I am very private about my upbringing and family life, but Miller kicked the doors of propriety open and wrote what he wanted, when he wanted (in addition to his fiction, his correspondence and letters were literally voluminous). It takes a great writer to bring that out in a reader; a desire to be silenced no more now that familial censors are no longer with us, wondering "what will everyone think?". This documentary tries, but ends up middling. Also known as "Henry Miller."
Stats:
(2017) 53 min. (5/10)
-Written and Directed by Gero von Boehm
-Featuring Henry Miller, Erica Jong, Tom Schiller, Georg Stefan Troller, Tony Miller, Arthur Hoyle, Brassai, Anais Nin, Barbara Kraft
Not Rated- contains strong profanity, strong nudity, some sexual content, strong sexual references, adult situations, alcohol and tobacco use
Media Viewed: Streaming
Miller was the son of German immigrants, born in New York City in 1891. He had a difficult relationship with his parents, especially his mother, who rarely (if ever) showed Henry any parental affection. He began to rebel, and wanted to leave not only New York City, but the United States. He traveled to Paris, and lived an impoverished life, writing some scandalous novels that would eventually be banned in the United States and Great Britain.
Miller's writings were sexually explicit, but as the documentary illustrates, he was not a sexual deviant (in his friends' and family's eyes). He was married five times, always pursuing an ideal love that he never received from his mother. When he would find a woman he wanted, he put her on a pedestal, although these very human women would have flaws that would disappoint Miller, and he would move on to his next pursuit. He blamed his German heritage for staying the course in his early life, never straying from the path that he must take to get ahead in the world, despite a curiosity that would overwhelm him. He would eventually die in Los Angeles in 1980 at the age of 88.
Gero von Hoehm assembles a somewhat interesting piece that is maddeningly short. No quotations are taken from any of Miller's work, and the result feels like a filmed encyclopedia article. Footage is taken from earlier documentaries, and this made me want to seek those out instead. Henry Miller was a difficult man to get to "know" through the film medium, despite the interviews with his friends, biographer, and son as well as some infamous film adaptations of his infamous novels and life ("Tropic of Cancer," "Quiet Days in Clichy," and "Henry & June").
Much like his book on writing, I started to see parallels between Miller's life and my own. I am very private about my upbringing and family life, but Miller kicked the doors of propriety open and wrote what he wanted, when he wanted (in addition to his fiction, his correspondence and letters were literally voluminous). It takes a great writer to bring that out in a reader; a desire to be silenced no more now that familial censors are no longer with us, wondering "what will everyone think?". This documentary tries, but ends up middling. Also known as "Henry Miller."
Stats:
(2017) 53 min. (5/10)
-Written and Directed by Gero von Boehm
-Featuring Henry Miller, Erica Jong, Tom Schiller, Georg Stefan Troller, Tony Miller, Arthur Hoyle, Brassai, Anais Nin, Barbara Kraft
Not Rated- contains strong profanity, strong nudity, some sexual content, strong sexual references, adult situations, alcohol and tobacco use
Media Viewed: Streaming
The Veil (2016)
When I was reading the credits to this film online, I had quite the "wow" reaction. I didn't care about the cast so much as the writer and director. Robert Ben Garant, comedy writer extraordinaire and cast member of "The State," one of my favorite sketch shows of all-time, wrote a horror movie? It's being directed by Phil Joanou, director extraordinaire of "Three O'Clock High," one of my favorite high school comedies of all-time, as well as "State of Grace" and "U2: Rattle and Hum"? What could go wrong? Then I realized that this was being released "straight to internet," and after I watched the film, I understood why.
Siblings Maggie (Jessica Alba) and Christian (Jack De Sena) are making a documentary about Heaven's Veil, a California-based cult lead by Jim Jacobs (an unrecognizable Thomas Jane). The cult's fifty or so members all committed suicide twenty-five years ago, and Maggie and Christian's father was one of the FBI agents who raided the compound. Maggie has convinced lone survivor Sarah (Lily Rabe), who was five years old at the time, to return to the abandoned compound where the mass suicide occurred. It seems in all the coverage from both press and law enforcement, someone missed the many cameras that were scattered around the area, and Maggie wants to find out what was on that film and video. Sarah, Maggie, and her crew head into the woods to face their respective pasts and fears.
First mistake, and we'll blame casting for this- Christian and the other male members of the crew all look alike. They all have beards, and I kept forgetting which one was Maggie's brother until she would conveniently remind one of them that the mass suicide "destroyed our family, too." There are a few leaps in logic and plotting that will have you scratching your head. I was grinning when the group morbidly lays out their sleeping bags for the night on the very spot where over fifty bodies had been found a couple of decades before. Sarah leads them to an abandoned house in the woods, making the viewer wonder how any law enforcement could have missed it during the initial investigation. The house has a lot of secrets, and Maggie's pursuit of "the truth" trumps any sort of normal behavior. Your star eyewitness tripped over a body in one of the rooms? Meh, throw a sheet over it, and get on with the investigation. Crew members begin to disappear, and as the remaining film makers watch the easily discovered films, they find out what Jacobs was capable of doing.
Joanou directs the hell out of this. He even turns standard jump-scares into actual scary moments. The cinematography by Steeven Petitteville is beautiful in its grunge. Robert Ben Garant's screenplay tries to keep the viewer guessing about what Jacobs did long after the viewer stops caring. There are hints of ghosts or zombies, before Jacobs' true power comes to light, and it just makes you wish it really had been about ghosts or zombies. Jane channels David Koresh, and his scenes are a little more interesting than all the modern-day slasher film hokum we have to sit through. Even the time element is off, as the group watches dusty films of Jacobs and the cult that take just a few minutes, but should have run for hours and days considering all the material they had to go through. Rabe is good as Sarah, and Alba is okay as Maggie, although it would be hard to play a character like this. Maggie's attempt to one-up Sarah in the "the mass suicide affected me, too" scene should have been dramatic and harsh, but Maggie comes off as selfish and narcissistic.
It's nice to see Joanou back behind the camera again, he had quite a run back in the 80's and 90's. Unfortunately, the rest of "The Veil" should remain hidden.
Stats:
(2016) 93 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Phil Joanou
-Screenplay by Robert Ben Garant
-Cast: Jessica Alba, Thomas Jane, Lily Rabe, Jack De Sena, Aleksa Palladino, Shannon Woodward, Reid Scott, Lenny Jacobson, Meegan Warner, David Sullivan, Amber Friendly, Christopher Sweeney, Ivy George, Joshua Davis
(R)
Siblings Maggie (Jessica Alba) and Christian (Jack De Sena) are making a documentary about Heaven's Veil, a California-based cult lead by Jim Jacobs (an unrecognizable Thomas Jane). The cult's fifty or so members all committed suicide twenty-five years ago, and Maggie and Christian's father was one of the FBI agents who raided the compound. Maggie has convinced lone survivor Sarah (Lily Rabe), who was five years old at the time, to return to the abandoned compound where the mass suicide occurred. It seems in all the coverage from both press and law enforcement, someone missed the many cameras that were scattered around the area, and Maggie wants to find out what was on that film and video. Sarah, Maggie, and her crew head into the woods to face their respective pasts and fears.
First mistake, and we'll blame casting for this- Christian and the other male members of the crew all look alike. They all have beards, and I kept forgetting which one was Maggie's brother until she would conveniently remind one of them that the mass suicide "destroyed our family, too." There are a few leaps in logic and plotting that will have you scratching your head. I was grinning when the group morbidly lays out their sleeping bags for the night on the very spot where over fifty bodies had been found a couple of decades before. Sarah leads them to an abandoned house in the woods, making the viewer wonder how any law enforcement could have missed it during the initial investigation. The house has a lot of secrets, and Maggie's pursuit of "the truth" trumps any sort of normal behavior. Your star eyewitness tripped over a body in one of the rooms? Meh, throw a sheet over it, and get on with the investigation. Crew members begin to disappear, and as the remaining film makers watch the easily discovered films, they find out what Jacobs was capable of doing.
Joanou directs the hell out of this. He even turns standard jump-scares into actual scary moments. The cinematography by Steeven Petitteville is beautiful in its grunge. Robert Ben Garant's screenplay tries to keep the viewer guessing about what Jacobs did long after the viewer stops caring. There are hints of ghosts or zombies, before Jacobs' true power comes to light, and it just makes you wish it really had been about ghosts or zombies. Jane channels David Koresh, and his scenes are a little more interesting than all the modern-day slasher film hokum we have to sit through. Even the time element is off, as the group watches dusty films of Jacobs and the cult that take just a few minutes, but should have run for hours and days considering all the material they had to go through. Rabe is good as Sarah, and Alba is okay as Maggie, although it would be hard to play a character like this. Maggie's attempt to one-up Sarah in the "the mass suicide affected me, too" scene should have been dramatic and harsh, but Maggie comes off as selfish and narcissistic.
It's nice to see Joanou back behind the camera again, he had quite a run back in the 80's and 90's. Unfortunately, the rest of "The Veil" should remain hidden.
Stats:
(2016) 93 min. (4/10)
-Directed by Phil Joanou
-Screenplay by Robert Ben Garant
-Cast: Jessica Alba, Thomas Jane, Lily Rabe, Jack De Sena, Aleksa Palladino, Shannon Woodward, Reid Scott, Lenny Jacobson, Meegan Warner, David Sullivan, Amber Friendly, Christopher Sweeney, Ivy George, Joshua Davis
(R)
The Marksman (2005)
Once in a while, a direct-to-video release is a hidden gem of a film, ripe for discovery- this is not one of those releases.
Wesley Snipes is a silent military operative known as Painter, a "painter." He and a squad sneak into dangerous locations, tag a target using what looks like an old doorbell button, and then escape so big planes can fly in and bomb whatever he has marked- which begs the question, why doesn't the squad take explosives in with them, and destroy the locations themselves? His squad can't stand him because he's a loner, a rebel who plays by his own rules- blech. Former flame Amanda (Emma Samms) has a new mission- blow up an old nuclear power plant in Chechnya before it can be used as a weapon, and extract the American hostages being held there. The mission into the plant is too easy, and only Painter is able to figure out what is going on.
I'm not sure it is acting, but Snipes looks unhappy throughout the film. He doesn't have many lines, and a stunt double is used in safe scenes involving jogging and other activities- when you see his character's face turned away from the camera, it's a safe bet that isn't him. If your leading man is this angry at the film, how is the viewer supposed to react? The cast is full of familiar faces, including producer Andrew Stevens in a goofy-mustached small role that was probably a hoot to no one but Andrew Stevens, and everyone looks miserable. The film's one redeeming grace is its Romanian locale. I don't know where exactly this was filmed, but it's cement, Iron Curtain-look is great. The accents are difficult to understand, no DVD subtitles, and the sound recording is awful, so I could only assume a few of the plot points based on the expressions of the supporting cast as they talked into their telephones with faux intensity. Some of the stuntwork is good, but aside from our heroes, no one can hit the broad side of a nuclear reactor with a machine gun.
I knew early on that I was going to give "The Marksman" a negative review thanks to the poor screenplay, stock footage, and bad acting, but the clincher was in a revelatory scene involving Amanda looking at some satellite footage, and all I could see was a glaring misspelled word. Someone should mark all copies of this film for destruction.
Stats:
(2005) 95 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Marcus Adams
-Screenplay by J.S. Cardone & Andy Hurst, Story by Travis Spangler & Tyler Spangler and J.S. Cardone
-Cast: Wesley Snipes, Emma Samms, Andrew Stevens, William Hope, Anthony Warren, Matt Salinger, Peter Youngblood Hills, Ryan McCluskey, Warren Derosa, Vlad Ivanov, Tim Abell, Christiaan Haig, Dan Badarau, Serge Soric
(R)
Wesley Snipes is a silent military operative known as Painter, a "painter." He and a squad sneak into dangerous locations, tag a target using what looks like an old doorbell button, and then escape so big planes can fly in and bomb whatever he has marked- which begs the question, why doesn't the squad take explosives in with them, and destroy the locations themselves? His squad can't stand him because he's a loner, a rebel who plays by his own rules- blech. Former flame Amanda (Emma Samms) has a new mission- blow up an old nuclear power plant in Chechnya before it can be used as a weapon, and extract the American hostages being held there. The mission into the plant is too easy, and only Painter is able to figure out what is going on.
I'm not sure it is acting, but Snipes looks unhappy throughout the film. He doesn't have many lines, and a stunt double is used in safe scenes involving jogging and other activities- when you see his character's face turned away from the camera, it's a safe bet that isn't him. If your leading man is this angry at the film, how is the viewer supposed to react? The cast is full of familiar faces, including producer Andrew Stevens in a goofy-mustached small role that was probably a hoot to no one but Andrew Stevens, and everyone looks miserable. The film's one redeeming grace is its Romanian locale. I don't know where exactly this was filmed, but it's cement, Iron Curtain-look is great. The accents are difficult to understand, no DVD subtitles, and the sound recording is awful, so I could only assume a few of the plot points based on the expressions of the supporting cast as they talked into their telephones with faux intensity. Some of the stuntwork is good, but aside from our heroes, no one can hit the broad side of a nuclear reactor with a machine gun.
I knew early on that I was going to give "The Marksman" a negative review thanks to the poor screenplay, stock footage, and bad acting, but the clincher was in a revelatory scene involving Amanda looking at some satellite footage, and all I could see was a glaring misspelled word. Someone should mark all copies of this film for destruction.
Stats:
(2005) 95 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Marcus Adams
-Screenplay by J.S. Cardone & Andy Hurst, Story by Travis Spangler & Tyler Spangler and J.S. Cardone
-Cast: Wesley Snipes, Emma Samms, Andrew Stevens, William Hope, Anthony Warren, Matt Salinger, Peter Youngblood Hills, Ryan McCluskey, Warren Derosa, Vlad Ivanov, Tim Abell, Christiaan Haig, Dan Badarau, Serge Soric
(R)
Blonde (2022)
At times, this is a brilliant, fictionalized look at Marilyn Monroe (Ana de Armas in a very interesting performance), one of the most famous movie stars of all-time. At other times, it wallows in sleazy exploitation as badly as Larry Buchanan's Grindhouse biopics from the 1970's. Dominik's direction "goes there" often, not playing coy with his camera. Keep in mind, this is based on a novel (by Joyce Carol Oates), and shouldn't be taken as gospel truth. A very mixed bag, filmed once before in 2001.
Stats:
(2022) 167 min. (5/10)
-Directed by Andrew Dominik
-Screenplay by Andrew Dominik based on the novel by Joyce Carol Oates
-Cast: Ana de Armas, Bobby Cannavale, Adrien Brody, Julianne Nicholson, Lily Fisher, Xavier Samuel, Evan Williams, Caspar Phillipson, Dan Butler, David Warshofsky, Ravil Isyanov, Chris Lemmon, Tygh Runyan
(NC-17)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Actress- Ana de Armas (lost to Michelle Yeoh "Everything Everywhere All at Once")
*BAFTA*
-Best Leading Actress- Ana de Armas (lost to Cate Blanchett for "Tar")
Stats:
(2022) 167 min. (5/10)
-Directed by Andrew Dominik
-Screenplay by Andrew Dominik based on the novel by Joyce Carol Oates
-Cast: Ana de Armas, Bobby Cannavale, Adrien Brody, Julianne Nicholson, Lily Fisher, Xavier Samuel, Evan Williams, Caspar Phillipson, Dan Butler, David Warshofsky, Ravil Isyanov, Chris Lemmon, Tygh Runyan
(NC-17)
*Academy Awards*
-Best Actress- Ana de Armas (lost to Michelle Yeoh "Everything Everywhere All at Once")
*BAFTA*
-Best Leading Actress- Ana de Armas (lost to Cate Blanchett for "Tar")
American Ninja (1985)
Michael Dudikoff stars in the first entry of the semi-successful and awfully cheap series from the good folks at Cannon Studios.
Dudikoff plays Joe Armstrong, a mopey private in the Army whose first day on a convoy sees it attacked by ninjas. The convoy also happened to be carrying the Colonel Hickok's (Guich Koock) daughter Patricia (Judie Aronson), and Joe saves her and together they construct a tiny mountain of sexual tension. Joe is blamed for the deaths of some fellow soldiers in the attack, and gets in a fight with Jackson (Steve James), eventually winning his respect by kicking his butt. The villainous Ortega (Don Stewart) was trying to steal a missile launcher from the Army with the help of crooked sergeant Rinaldo (John LaMotta), Patricia's dad, and a whole mess of ninjas that Ortega has in his private ninja army training facility located at his estate. The rest of the film consists of Joe escaping and getting recaptured by both sides, until Ortega's gardener Shinyuki (John Fujioka), who happened to train Joe as a kid, reappears to help his former student kick more ninja butt.
I grew up the son of a military officer. If I had a nickel for every time I rode with a military convoy, got kidnapped by ninjas, heard Dad refer to himself as "THE Colonel," involved myself in base affairs, fell for a female non-commissioned officer, or lived in a base home the size of the White House, I would still be flat broke. Judie Aronson starts out even more annoying than damsel-in-distress Kate Capshaw in the second Indiana Jones film, but she eventually calms down to a tolerable whiny level. Michael Dudikoff is all handsome looks and no performance, although this kind of role does not require any acting ability. I have not seen this many shaggy haired extras pretending to be in the military since "WarGames." The writers obviously figured the explosive ninja action would cover up any logical mistakes- like why the opening convoy was attacked in the first place.
"American Ninja" cost nothing to produce, and amounts to nothing when watched. I could go on about the lack of acting, Sam Firstenberg's pedestrian direction, and the fact that this is paced like a very special two-part "The A-Team," but why? Watching "American Ninja" is as painful as sitting on a throwing star. Ooooh, sequels await!
Stats:
(1985) 95 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Sam Firstenberg
-Screenplay by Paul De Mielche, Story by Avi Kleinberger & Gideon Amir
-Cast: Michael Dudikoff, Judie Aronson, Steve James, Don Stewart, John LaMotta, Guich Koock, John Fujioka, Tadashi Yamashita, Phillip Brock, Tony Carreon, Roi Vinzon, Richard Norton, Joey Galvez
(R)
Dudikoff plays Joe Armstrong, a mopey private in the Army whose first day on a convoy sees it attacked by ninjas. The convoy also happened to be carrying the Colonel Hickok's (Guich Koock) daughter Patricia (Judie Aronson), and Joe saves her and together they construct a tiny mountain of sexual tension. Joe is blamed for the deaths of some fellow soldiers in the attack, and gets in a fight with Jackson (Steve James), eventually winning his respect by kicking his butt. The villainous Ortega (Don Stewart) was trying to steal a missile launcher from the Army with the help of crooked sergeant Rinaldo (John LaMotta), Patricia's dad, and a whole mess of ninjas that Ortega has in his private ninja army training facility located at his estate. The rest of the film consists of Joe escaping and getting recaptured by both sides, until Ortega's gardener Shinyuki (John Fujioka), who happened to train Joe as a kid, reappears to help his former student kick more ninja butt.
I grew up the son of a military officer. If I had a nickel for every time I rode with a military convoy, got kidnapped by ninjas, heard Dad refer to himself as "THE Colonel," involved myself in base affairs, fell for a female non-commissioned officer, or lived in a base home the size of the White House, I would still be flat broke. Judie Aronson starts out even more annoying than damsel-in-distress Kate Capshaw in the second Indiana Jones film, but she eventually calms down to a tolerable whiny level. Michael Dudikoff is all handsome looks and no performance, although this kind of role does not require any acting ability. I have not seen this many shaggy haired extras pretending to be in the military since "WarGames." The writers obviously figured the explosive ninja action would cover up any logical mistakes- like why the opening convoy was attacked in the first place.
"American Ninja" cost nothing to produce, and amounts to nothing when watched. I could go on about the lack of acting, Sam Firstenberg's pedestrian direction, and the fact that this is paced like a very special two-part "The A-Team," but why? Watching "American Ninja" is as painful as sitting on a throwing star. Ooooh, sequels await!
Stats:
(1985) 95 min. (1/10)
-Directed by Sam Firstenberg
-Screenplay by Paul De Mielche, Story by Avi Kleinberger & Gideon Amir
-Cast: Michael Dudikoff, Judie Aronson, Steve James, Don Stewart, John LaMotta, Guich Koock, John Fujioka, Tadashi Yamashita, Phillip Brock, Tony Carreon, Roi Vinzon, Richard Norton, Joey Galvez
(R)
211 (2018)
*Get a physical copy of "211" on Amazon here*
*Watch "211" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get "211" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get a Nicolas Cage/Today I'm Feeling... Coffee Mug on Amazon here*
This messy, short thriller plays like a rejected Paul Haggis/"Crash" story.
Four mercenaries in Afghanistan are owed over a million dollars after a former boss does them wrong. Interpol Agent Rossi (Alexandra Dinu) is hot on their trail, following them back to Massachusetts, where they plan on knocking over one of the banks that their money was transferred to. First problem: when money is transferred internationally to a bank, the actual physical amount of cash doesn't magically appear at that bank. Take it from a former bank teller, it doesn't work like that. As the men get ready to storm the bank, we are introduced to a very large cast of characters whose lives will all cross that day. Retiring cop Mike (Nicolas Cage), his son-in-law/partner Steve (Dwayne Cameron), and his estranged daughter Lisa (Sophie Skelton) are one part of the puzzle. Kenny (Michael Rainey Jr.) is a bullied teen who must ride along with Mike and Steve after a misunderstanding at school while Kenny's medical professional mother (Shari Watson) worries. Rossi also hangs around the periphery, flashing an Interpol badge can get you into a lot of places in fictional Chesterford, Massachusetts, and assorted younger cop characters make their presence known. Everyone's stories converge in a boring, "Heat"-inspired shootout.
Nicolas Cage liked to sign up for these types of straight-to-video films on a weekly basis, and while it's big fun for Cage fans, some of these are a chore for the casual moviegoer. The script is confusing, and the different locations used do not mesh- a Massachusetts cafe explosion looks European set, but in the same town, the Massachusetts bank robbery looks American- right down to Louisiana license plates on some of the cars, and the title is a police radio call number from California. I'm sure the screenwriter(s?)- another odd credit- had something bigger in mind but the film limps along full of some terrible performances from a cast given tropes, not characters, to play. Come on, the harried police commander (Mark Basnight) who's getting pressured from the mayor and governor? The retiring cop? The young cop whose wife is expecting? War profiteering mercenaries? The stupid hostage who must make a break for it? The bullied teen smarter than his peers? Yawn.
Throw this on the pile of other Cage pablum, a film that was obviously done for the paycheck. Also known in some foreign markets as "211: Cops Under Fire."
Stats:
(2018) 86 min. (2/10)
-Directed by York Alec Shackleton
-Screenplay by John Rebus based on a screenplay by York Alec Shackleton
-Cast: Nicolas Cage, Mark Basnight, Shari Watson, Alexandra Dinu, Dwayne Cameron, Michael Rainey Jr., Sophie Skelton, Weston Cage, Cory Hardrict, Ori Pfeffer, Amanda Cerny, Michael Bellisario, Raymond Steers, Derek Horse
(R)
*Watch "211" on Amazon Prime Video here*
*Get "211" wall decor on Amazon here*
*Get a Nicolas Cage/Today I'm Feeling... Coffee Mug on Amazon here*
This messy, short thriller plays like a rejected Paul Haggis/"Crash" story.
Four mercenaries in Afghanistan are owed over a million dollars after a former boss does them wrong. Interpol Agent Rossi (Alexandra Dinu) is hot on their trail, following them back to Massachusetts, where they plan on knocking over one of the banks that their money was transferred to. First problem: when money is transferred internationally to a bank, the actual physical amount of cash doesn't magically appear at that bank. Take it from a former bank teller, it doesn't work like that. As the men get ready to storm the bank, we are introduced to a very large cast of characters whose lives will all cross that day. Retiring cop Mike (Nicolas Cage), his son-in-law/partner Steve (Dwayne Cameron), and his estranged daughter Lisa (Sophie Skelton) are one part of the puzzle. Kenny (Michael Rainey Jr.) is a bullied teen who must ride along with Mike and Steve after a misunderstanding at school while Kenny's medical professional mother (Shari Watson) worries. Rossi also hangs around the periphery, flashing an Interpol badge can get you into a lot of places in fictional Chesterford, Massachusetts, and assorted younger cop characters make their presence known. Everyone's stories converge in a boring, "Heat"-inspired shootout.
Nicolas Cage liked to sign up for these types of straight-to-video films on a weekly basis, and while it's big fun for Cage fans, some of these are a chore for the casual moviegoer. The script is confusing, and the different locations used do not mesh- a Massachusetts cafe explosion looks European set, but in the same town, the Massachusetts bank robbery looks American- right down to Louisiana license plates on some of the cars, and the title is a police radio call number from California. I'm sure the screenwriter(s?)- another odd credit- had something bigger in mind but the film limps along full of some terrible performances from a cast given tropes, not characters, to play. Come on, the harried police commander (Mark Basnight) who's getting pressured from the mayor and governor? The retiring cop? The young cop whose wife is expecting? War profiteering mercenaries? The stupid hostage who must make a break for it? The bullied teen smarter than his peers? Yawn.
Throw this on the pile of other Cage pablum, a film that was obviously done for the paycheck. Also known in some foreign markets as "211: Cops Under Fire."
Stats:
(2018) 86 min. (2/10)
-Directed by York Alec Shackleton
-Screenplay by John Rebus based on a screenplay by York Alec Shackleton
-Cast: Nicolas Cage, Mark Basnight, Shari Watson, Alexandra Dinu, Dwayne Cameron, Michael Rainey Jr., Sophie Skelton, Weston Cage, Cory Hardrict, Ori Pfeffer, Amanda Cerny, Michael Bellisario, Raymond Steers, Derek Horse
(R)
Apartment Zero (1988)
In 1988 Buenos Aires political strife is rampant, due in part to a series of murders being performed by hired foreign mercenaries. What a time for Adrian (Colin Firth) to decide to look for a roommate.
Although Adrian is Argentinian, he has a British accent thanks to sixteen years in England. His movie theater is failing since no one wants to see the old classics anymore. He runs an apartment building full of nosy neighbors that he cannot stand. His mother is in the hospital, and will probably never leave. To make ends meet, he puts an ad in the newspaper. Out of the normal weirdos who answer comes Jack (Hart Bochner), an American who works at a computer company just around the corner. Adrian is almost enamored with Jack, and the two move in together. The first half of the film revolves around Adrian's suspicions about Jack, who becomes friendly with all of the hated neighbors in the building. Lonely Adrian and Jack share and fight like roommates do, and the body count around Buenos Aires keeps growing. To even hint at where the film ends up would be a disservice, but I cannot imagine anyone out there would find it predictable.
"Apartment Zero" is a strange film. It does not quite fit into the "psycho serial killer roommate" genre of suspense films. The Buenos Aires locations are terrific, as is the Argentinian supporting cast. Colin Firth is riveting as Adrian, as complex a character as he has ever played. Hart Bochner is equally good. His classic movie star looks endear him to Adrian, but there is something creepy about his grin. His lack of intensity increases the intensity surrounding his character. There's a great off-kilter music score by Elia Cmiral to boot. The first half of the film is pure paranoid suspense. Clues are dropped, relationships explored, and bits of information about Jack and Adrian are revealed. Then the second half of the film turns into absurdist tragedy. There are darkly comic moments, goofy directorial flourishes, and a strange climax that will either have you cheering or shaking your head in puzzlement. While the film worked for me most of the time, some viewers might get turned off by the change in tone and characterization.
"Apartment Zero" is still a good film, helped by the two leads and a different location. While the second half is not expected, this should be given a chance.
Stats:
(1988) 124 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Martin Donovan
-Screenplay by Martin Donovan and David Koepp, Story by Martin Donovan
-Cast: Colin Firth, Hart Bochner, Dora Bryan, Liz Smith, Fabrizio Bentivoglio, James Telfer, Mirella D'Angelo, Juan Vitali, Cipe Lincovsky, Francesca d'Aloja, Miguel Ligero, Elvia Andreoli, Marikena Monti, Luis Romero
(R)
Although Adrian is Argentinian, he has a British accent thanks to sixteen years in England. His movie theater is failing since no one wants to see the old classics anymore. He runs an apartment building full of nosy neighbors that he cannot stand. His mother is in the hospital, and will probably never leave. To make ends meet, he puts an ad in the newspaper. Out of the normal weirdos who answer comes Jack (Hart Bochner), an American who works at a computer company just around the corner. Adrian is almost enamored with Jack, and the two move in together. The first half of the film revolves around Adrian's suspicions about Jack, who becomes friendly with all of the hated neighbors in the building. Lonely Adrian and Jack share and fight like roommates do, and the body count around Buenos Aires keeps growing. To even hint at where the film ends up would be a disservice, but I cannot imagine anyone out there would find it predictable.
"Apartment Zero" is a strange film. It does not quite fit into the "psycho serial killer roommate" genre of suspense films. The Buenos Aires locations are terrific, as is the Argentinian supporting cast. Colin Firth is riveting as Adrian, as complex a character as he has ever played. Hart Bochner is equally good. His classic movie star looks endear him to Adrian, but there is something creepy about his grin. His lack of intensity increases the intensity surrounding his character. There's a great off-kilter music score by Elia Cmiral to boot. The first half of the film is pure paranoid suspense. Clues are dropped, relationships explored, and bits of information about Jack and Adrian are revealed. Then the second half of the film turns into absurdist tragedy. There are darkly comic moments, goofy directorial flourishes, and a strange climax that will either have you cheering or shaking your head in puzzlement. While the film worked for me most of the time, some viewers might get turned off by the change in tone and characterization.
"Apartment Zero" is still a good film, helped by the two leads and a different location. While the second half is not expected, this should be given a chance.
Stats:
(1988) 124 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Martin Donovan
-Screenplay by Martin Donovan and David Koepp, Story by Martin Donovan
-Cast: Colin Firth, Hart Bochner, Dora Bryan, Liz Smith, Fabrizio Bentivoglio, James Telfer, Mirella D'Angelo, Juan Vitali, Cipe Lincovsky, Francesca d'Aloja, Miguel Ligero, Elvia Andreoli, Marikena Monti, Luis Romero
(R)
Wednesday, November 27, 2024
Buried in the Sand: The Deception of America (2004)
An anchorman-type named Mark Taylor (the credits are full of initials and pseudonyms) introduces shocking video clips of torture carried out by the Iraqi government under Saddam Hussein's tyrannical rule. The viewer is treated to mutilations and public punishments based on radical interpretations of Islamic law, and the video is real and disturbing. The film makers quote the Liberal trio of Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, and John Kerry- all voicing their opinions that we should be in Iraq, but then the video lost me.
We see an assault by an Apache helicopter on Iraqis who are hiding weapons. Ted Kennedy's quote about Abu Ghraib being reopened for torture under new management after the idiotic actions of those National Guard soldiers is displayed- never mind that Saddam Hussein executed an astonishing 30,000 people at Abu Ghraib during his rule. The film makers continue to dwell on "Faces of Death"-type footage to make their point. The gore and violence is never put into any context, making one wonder where it all came from. One public beheading is credited to Saudi Arabia, negating the film's ambition to show us the torture of the former regimes of Iraq and Afghanistan.
The video makers finally cross the line, sealing this reviewer's negative review. The then-recent beheadings of American hostages in Iraq are shown without edits. I was washed over with a wave of nausea, not patriotism, as these people screamed for their lives as cowardly terrorists slit their throats and removed their heads. This grimmest of footage is not here to educate, it is here to appeal to the lowest common denominator of humanity. The film makers want to sell discs and make money, and here is some shocking footage to move sales.
"Buried in the Sand: The Deception of America" is not worth your time or effort, and is not in the same league as other political documentaries out there. America is being deceived, but the people who are peddling this collection of snuff films under the banner of education and democracy are the ones doing the deceiving. Watch it and argue with me, but this is the one hill where I'm standing my ground. Simply repulsive.
Stats:
(2004) 90 min. (1/10)
-Directed by David Wald
-Written by Rob Cartee
-Cast: Mark Taylor, George W. Bush, Saddam Hussein, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Daniel Pearl
(Unrated)
We see an assault by an Apache helicopter on Iraqis who are hiding weapons. Ted Kennedy's quote about Abu Ghraib being reopened for torture under new management after the idiotic actions of those National Guard soldiers is displayed- never mind that Saddam Hussein executed an astonishing 30,000 people at Abu Ghraib during his rule. The film makers continue to dwell on "Faces of Death"-type footage to make their point. The gore and violence is never put into any context, making one wonder where it all came from. One public beheading is credited to Saudi Arabia, negating the film's ambition to show us the torture of the former regimes of Iraq and Afghanistan.
The video makers finally cross the line, sealing this reviewer's negative review. The then-recent beheadings of American hostages in Iraq are shown without edits. I was washed over with a wave of nausea, not patriotism, as these people screamed for their lives as cowardly terrorists slit their throats and removed their heads. This grimmest of footage is not here to educate, it is here to appeal to the lowest common denominator of humanity. The film makers want to sell discs and make money, and here is some shocking footage to move sales.
"Buried in the Sand: The Deception of America" is not worth your time or effort, and is not in the same league as other political documentaries out there. America is being deceived, but the people who are peddling this collection of snuff films under the banner of education and democracy are the ones doing the deceiving. Watch it and argue with me, but this is the one hill where I'm standing my ground. Simply repulsive.
Stats:
(2004) 90 min. (1/10)
-Directed by David Wald
-Written by Rob Cartee
-Cast: Mark Taylor, George W. Bush, Saddam Hussein, Ted Kennedy, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Daniel Pearl
(Unrated)
Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation (1990)
There is no connection between this and the first three films in the series, but that is not an automatic positive. The straight-forward, gruesome story has a plucky reporter with boyfriend troubles investigating the mysterious death of a woman, and getting caught up in a witches' coven led by Fima (Maud Adams, eons from her James Bond film appearances).
The lead actress is okay, Clint Howard plays the same nut-job role he always gets to play outside of his brother's films, and the movie keeps a tight pace. Take away the "Silent Night, Deadly Night 4" from the title, and this is just another straight-to-video gore-fest that was not good enough to get released in theaters. Sure, the gore involving giant bugs is good, but there is nothing special here.
"Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation" is severed head and shoulders above the first three entries in the series, but it still sucks. Also known as "Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4." Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker."
Stats:
(1990) 87 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Brian Yuzna
-Screenplay by Zeph E. Daniel, Story by Richard N. Gladstein, Arthur Gorson, S.J. Smith, Brian Yuzna
-Cast: Maud Adams, Clint Howard, Neith Hunter, Tommy Hinkley, Hugh Fink, Richard N. Gladstein, Reggie Bannister, Allyce Beasley, Glen Chin, Jeanne Bates, Laurel Lockhart, Ben Slack, Conan Yuzna, Marjean Holden
(R)
The lead actress is okay, Clint Howard plays the same nut-job role he always gets to play outside of his brother's films, and the movie keeps a tight pace. Take away the "Silent Night, Deadly Night 4" from the title, and this is just another straight-to-video gore-fest that was not good enough to get released in theaters. Sure, the gore involving giant bugs is good, but there is nothing special here.
"Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation" is severed head and shoulders above the first three entries in the series, but it still sucks. Also known as "Initiation: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4." Followed by "Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker."
Stats:
(1990) 87 min. (2/10)
-Directed by Brian Yuzna
-Screenplay by Zeph E. Daniel, Story by Richard N. Gladstein, Arthur Gorson, S.J. Smith, Brian Yuzna
-Cast: Maud Adams, Clint Howard, Neith Hunter, Tommy Hinkley, Hugh Fink, Richard N. Gladstein, Reggie Bannister, Allyce Beasley, Glen Chin, Jeanne Bates, Laurel Lockhart, Ben Slack, Conan Yuzna, Marjean Holden
(R)
The Ape (2005)
Actor James Franco makes his directorial debut with a pretentious film that sometimes works as an office comedy.
Harry (James Franco) is a frustrated novelist who worships Dostoevsky but has little time to write. He leaves his wife and son temporarily and moves into a New York City apartment. Not reading the lease's fine print, Harry finds himself living with a talking ape (Brian Lally). Harry begins to accept Ape, who begins to help Harry see his life and relationships differently.
Franco co-wrote the play the film is based on, but every scene involving the Ape fails miserably. Wisely, the film makers merely put an ape mask on actor Lally, letting the audience find its own reality in the main plot. This "Theatre of the Absurd" struggles to its foregone conclusion, and the scenes and characters equally grate. The scenes that do score center around Harry's relationship with office crush Beth (Stacey Miller) and boss Cathy (Allison Bibicoff). Harry is stuck in a dead-end job in the human resources department at a telephone company. As the Ape feeds Harry bravado and confidence, Harry's behavior at work changes. I believe Franco's performance is better in these scenes, too, when he hits the broad comedy. Franco's direction is very good. He has a nice eye for little details (the workplace lice outbreak announcements, Dostoevsky quotes reflecting Harry's situation), but the script is dead on arrival.
If "The Ape" had dropped the title character, and morphed into a short film about office politics, it might have worked. If a coworker told you about his talking ape roommate, that would be funnier and stranger than actually seeing said ape. I appreciated the camera work from Franco, though.
Stats:
(2005) 90 min. (4/10)
-Directed by James Franco
-Written by James Franco and Merriwether Williams
-Cast: James Franco, Brian Lally, Allison Bibicoff, Stacey Miller, Vince Jolivette, Nori Jill Phillips, Danny Molina, David Markey, Sydney DeMarco, Anthony W. Preston, Dan Sackenheim
(Not Rated)
Harry (James Franco) is a frustrated novelist who worships Dostoevsky but has little time to write. He leaves his wife and son temporarily and moves into a New York City apartment. Not reading the lease's fine print, Harry finds himself living with a talking ape (Brian Lally). Harry begins to accept Ape, who begins to help Harry see his life and relationships differently.
Franco co-wrote the play the film is based on, but every scene involving the Ape fails miserably. Wisely, the film makers merely put an ape mask on actor Lally, letting the audience find its own reality in the main plot. This "Theatre of the Absurd" struggles to its foregone conclusion, and the scenes and characters equally grate. The scenes that do score center around Harry's relationship with office crush Beth (Stacey Miller) and boss Cathy (Allison Bibicoff). Harry is stuck in a dead-end job in the human resources department at a telephone company. As the Ape feeds Harry bravado and confidence, Harry's behavior at work changes. I believe Franco's performance is better in these scenes, too, when he hits the broad comedy. Franco's direction is very good. He has a nice eye for little details (the workplace lice outbreak announcements, Dostoevsky quotes reflecting Harry's situation), but the script is dead on arrival.
If "The Ape" had dropped the title character, and morphed into a short film about office politics, it might have worked. If a coworker told you about his talking ape roommate, that would be funnier and stranger than actually seeing said ape. I appreciated the camera work from Franco, though.
Stats:
(2005) 90 min. (4/10)
-Directed by James Franco
-Written by James Franco and Merriwether Williams
-Cast: James Franco, Brian Lally, Allison Bibicoff, Stacey Miller, Vince Jolivette, Nori Jill Phillips, Danny Molina, David Markey, Sydney DeMarco, Anthony W. Preston, Dan Sackenheim
(Not Rated)
The Grim Reaper (aka Antropophagus) (1980)
Joe D'Amato produces a creepy film that will scare the willies out of you- if you do not dwell on the proceedings too much.
Julie (Tisa Farrow) hitches a ride with a group of tourists to a mysterious, isolated Greek island. The group includes a pregnant woman, her husband, a psychic and her boyfriend, and the leader (Julie's love interest). On the island, the village is completely deserted. They arrive at Julie's employer's house and find their blind teenage daughter, who has been hiding from a psychotic monster who has cannibalized everyone on the island. The group then spends the rest of the film fighting off the killer, and discovering the gruesome reasons behind its killing spree.
Of the many versions of this film floating around, I watched the R-rated version released by the old Monterey Home Video label- it is still very effective and scary. The killer is one ugly, ticked off dude. D'Amato does not resort to planting a mask on him, just to be unveiled in the climax. He lets natural lighting reveal the killer's features. The creepy abandoned village also works well. The editing is very crisp, adding to the suspense. The dubbed English voices are also adequate. The film plays like good Lucio Fulci. The minuses here are also a little scary. Because this is edited from the original version, there are a few loose ends here and there. The infamous "fetus scene" is trimmed, and it is obvious. The rest of the cast, save Farrow, go through the motions of being victims. There are not very many memorable scenes for the actors to work with to create any sort of sympathetic characters. The screenplay will often take incredible leaps in logic, as cast members wander off by themselves, or forget to defend themselves when they are getting murdered. The special effects are also hot and cold, with one memorable scene with an obviously fake severed head in a bucket of water. I have seen more realistic papier mache heads in children's puppet shows. The ending is abrupt, possibly the result of more post production tampering. D'Amato, never my favorite director, does some very good things here. He uses locations to the fullest extent, making for a very believable abandoned island. His direction is over-the-top, but manages to scare at the same time, much like Wes Craven's direction in the first "Scream." Actually, this might be ripe for a Hollywood remake, with better effects and a cast of recognizable faces- nah, they still wouldn't get it right. I do recommend this film, but it is not for the squeamish, and this is not for those who are looking for a "fun horror film."
"The Grim Reaper" is grim, and pretty good. Also known as "Anthropophagus," "The Beast," "Antropophagus: The Grim Reaper," and "Antropophagus."
Stats:
(1980) 92 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Joe D'Amato
-Screenplay by George Eastman, Story by George Eastman & Joe D'Amato
-Cast: Tisa Farrow, Saverio Vallone, Serena Grandi, Margaret Mazzantini, Mark Bodin, Bob Larson, Rubina Rey, Simone Baker, Mark Logan, George Eastman, Zora Kerova, Joe D'Amato
(R)
Julie (Tisa Farrow) hitches a ride with a group of tourists to a mysterious, isolated Greek island. The group includes a pregnant woman, her husband, a psychic and her boyfriend, and the leader (Julie's love interest). On the island, the village is completely deserted. They arrive at Julie's employer's house and find their blind teenage daughter, who has been hiding from a psychotic monster who has cannibalized everyone on the island. The group then spends the rest of the film fighting off the killer, and discovering the gruesome reasons behind its killing spree.
Of the many versions of this film floating around, I watched the R-rated version released by the old Monterey Home Video label- it is still very effective and scary. The killer is one ugly, ticked off dude. D'Amato does not resort to planting a mask on him, just to be unveiled in the climax. He lets natural lighting reveal the killer's features. The creepy abandoned village also works well. The editing is very crisp, adding to the suspense. The dubbed English voices are also adequate. The film plays like good Lucio Fulci. The minuses here are also a little scary. Because this is edited from the original version, there are a few loose ends here and there. The infamous "fetus scene" is trimmed, and it is obvious. The rest of the cast, save Farrow, go through the motions of being victims. There are not very many memorable scenes for the actors to work with to create any sort of sympathetic characters. The screenplay will often take incredible leaps in logic, as cast members wander off by themselves, or forget to defend themselves when they are getting murdered. The special effects are also hot and cold, with one memorable scene with an obviously fake severed head in a bucket of water. I have seen more realistic papier mache heads in children's puppet shows. The ending is abrupt, possibly the result of more post production tampering. D'Amato, never my favorite director, does some very good things here. He uses locations to the fullest extent, making for a very believable abandoned island. His direction is over-the-top, but manages to scare at the same time, much like Wes Craven's direction in the first "Scream." Actually, this might be ripe for a Hollywood remake, with better effects and a cast of recognizable faces- nah, they still wouldn't get it right. I do recommend this film, but it is not for the squeamish, and this is not for those who are looking for a "fun horror film."
"The Grim Reaper" is grim, and pretty good. Also known as "Anthropophagus," "The Beast," "Antropophagus: The Grim Reaper," and "Antropophagus."
Stats:
(1980) 92 min. (7/10)
-Directed by Joe D'Amato
-Screenplay by George Eastman, Story by George Eastman & Joe D'Amato
-Cast: Tisa Farrow, Saverio Vallone, Serena Grandi, Margaret Mazzantini, Mark Bodin, Bob Larson, Rubina Rey, Simone Baker, Mark Logan, George Eastman, Zora Kerova, Joe D'Amato
(R)
The 2nd (2020)
This cheap, bizarre action flick might have benefited from dropping its main heroic character.
Major Vic Davis (Ryan Phillippe) goes to a college campus to pick up his estranged, theater major son Shawn (Jack Griffo) for some bonding time over Christmas break. Shawn is making goo-goo eyes with Erin (a great Lexi Simonsen), the daughter of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Walton (a too stiff Randy Charach). The Court is deciding a gun control issue, hence the terrible title, and some powers-that-be send smooth domestic terrorist "Driver" (Casper Van Dien) and his crew to kidnap Erin and sway the Justice's decision. The film then takes the "Die Hard" route as Davis and his charge fight the baddies.
I don't know what Phillippe, Van Dien, and William McNamara are taking to appear middle aged awesome, but I'd like a prescription, please. Phillippe and Griffo appear to be the same age. This is a tried-and-true formula, but the film is so outlandish and muddled, it's like watching a trainwreck. Most of the gun shots are obvious powder squibs, you know it's Christmas because of the one wreath nailed to the wall in the elevator and the harsh green and red light gels, and the film feels at least half an hour longer than it is. The politics are murky, you don't know what side of the gun control debate the film is on (which wouldn't be a big deal, but the title is the amendment they are supporting but not supporting). I liked the Shawn/Erin dynamic more, it would have been interesting if Vic was dropped from the action altogether, taking a secondary role either through his son's memories (he taught Shawn how to defend himself) or communicating with him from the outside. If the villains had taken a break from nefariously swigging whiskey during dialogue scenes, they might have sobered up enough to make their conspiracy work. The film sets up a sequel no one seems to be very interested in pursuing; would that be "The 3rd," where housing military soldiers in civilian homes in a time of war takes center stage? Phillippe co-produced too, maybe trying to jump start his own action franchise.
There's a likable cast here, but not enough meat on the bone to generate a series from the material. No seconds, I'm full.
Stats:
(2020) 93 min. (3/10)
-Directed by Brian Skiba
-Written by Eric Bromberg & Paul Taegel, Story by Eric Bromberg & James Bromberg
-Cast: Ryan Phillippe, Casper Van Dien, William Katt, William McNamara, Jack Griffo, Lexi Simonsen, Randy Charach, Richard Burgi, Samaire Armstrong, Jacob Grodnik, Chris Jai Alex, Gene Freeman, Tank Jones, James Logan
(R)
Major Vic Davis (Ryan Phillippe) goes to a college campus to pick up his estranged, theater major son Shawn (Jack Griffo) for some bonding time over Christmas break. Shawn is making goo-goo eyes with Erin (a great Lexi Simonsen), the daughter of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Walton (a too stiff Randy Charach). The Court is deciding a gun control issue, hence the terrible title, and some powers-that-be send smooth domestic terrorist "Driver" (Casper Van Dien) and his crew to kidnap Erin and sway the Justice's decision. The film then takes the "Die Hard" route as Davis and his charge fight the baddies.
I don't know what Phillippe, Van Dien, and William McNamara are taking to appear middle aged awesome, but I'd like a prescription, please. Phillippe and Griffo appear to be the same age. This is a tried-and-true formula, but the film is so outlandish and muddled, it's like watching a trainwreck. Most of the gun shots are obvious powder squibs, you know it's Christmas because of the one wreath nailed to the wall in the elevator and the harsh green and red light gels, and the film feels at least half an hour longer than it is. The politics are murky, you don't know what side of the gun control debate the film is on (which wouldn't be a big deal, but the title is the amendment they are supporting but not supporting). I liked the Shawn/Erin dynamic more, it would have been interesting if Vic was dropped from the action altogether, taking a secondary role either through his son's memories (he taught Shawn how to defend himself) or communicating with him from the outside. If the villains had taken a break from nefariously swigging whiskey during dialogue scenes, they might have sobered up enough to make their conspiracy work. The film sets up a sequel no one seems to be very interested in pursuing; would that be "The 3rd," where housing military soldiers in civilian homes in a time of war takes center stage? Phillippe co-produced too, maybe trying to jump start his own action franchise.
There's a likable cast here, but not enough meat on the bone to generate a series from the material. No seconds, I'm full.
Stats:
(2020) 93 min. (3/10)
-Directed by Brian Skiba
-Written by Eric Bromberg & Paul Taegel, Story by Eric Bromberg & James Bromberg
-Cast: Ryan Phillippe, Casper Van Dien, William Katt, William McNamara, Jack Griffo, Lexi Simonsen, Randy Charach, Richard Burgi, Samaire Armstrong, Jacob Grodnik, Chris Jai Alex, Gene Freeman, Tank Jones, James Logan
(R)
The Ballad of Gregorio Cortez (1982)
This entertaining western features a contemporary, balanced mindset, important in this day and age of open borders.
Taking place in 1901 Gonzalez, Texas, Gregorio Cortez (Edward James Olmos) is a Spanish-speaking ranch hand on the run after being involved in not one but three murders involving Texas law enforcement personnel. While cut-and-dried from the Texans' point of view, Cortez's full story of what happened remains to be heard. San Antonio reporter Blakely (Bruce McGill) rides with a pursuing posse, and begins to document Cortez's story as seen by the Texas Rangers. While the flashbacks to the killings are not along the lines of "Rashomon," they serve to illustrate the Texans' side well. Cortez is caught, put on trial, and represented by Abernathy (Barry Corbin), who finds out what really happened as he tries to get his client off.
Olmos does a great job as Cortez. Cortez does not speak English, and the film makers wisely do not subtitle his Mexican conversations (in the version I viewed), adding to the confusion of Cortez's crimes. The film makers do something unexpected- they show us that Cortez is not a martyr or saint. The initial murder started over a misunderstood translation between a deputy and Cortez, and escalated. Cortez's family is locked up in order to flush him out, and civil liberties are broken all over the place. The film opens with Cortez running, a bunch of guys chasing him, and bodies being returned to families, and I had no idea what was going on for the first ten minutes of the film. Eventually, things begin to click, and Young's sure direction keeps it going. The cast is full of character actors whose names you do not immediately recognize but whose faces you have watched for years- Ned Beatty has a rather unnecessary cameo toward the end.
If you are expecting another politically correct allegory about the plight of the Mexican-American in turn-of-the-century Texas, you need to look elsewhere. This revisionist western shows us both sides of murder, and how both sides are at fault. Originally an episode of "American Playhouse," and then released theatrically.
Stats:
(1982) 105 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Robert M. Young
-Screenplay by Victor Villasenor, Adaptation by Robert M. Young, Based on a book by Americo Paredes
-Cast: Edward James Olmos, Bruce McGill, Barry Corbin, Ned Beatty, James Gammon, Tom Bower, Brion James, Alan Vint, Timothy Scott, Pepe Serna, Michael McGuire, William Sanderson, Jack Kehoe, Rosanna DeSoto, Buddy Vigil
(PG)
Taking place in 1901 Gonzalez, Texas, Gregorio Cortez (Edward James Olmos) is a Spanish-speaking ranch hand on the run after being involved in not one but three murders involving Texas law enforcement personnel. While cut-and-dried from the Texans' point of view, Cortez's full story of what happened remains to be heard. San Antonio reporter Blakely (Bruce McGill) rides with a pursuing posse, and begins to document Cortez's story as seen by the Texas Rangers. While the flashbacks to the killings are not along the lines of "Rashomon," they serve to illustrate the Texans' side well. Cortez is caught, put on trial, and represented by Abernathy (Barry Corbin), who finds out what really happened as he tries to get his client off.
Olmos does a great job as Cortez. Cortez does not speak English, and the film makers wisely do not subtitle his Mexican conversations (in the version I viewed), adding to the confusion of Cortez's crimes. The film makers do something unexpected- they show us that Cortez is not a martyr or saint. The initial murder started over a misunderstood translation between a deputy and Cortez, and escalated. Cortez's family is locked up in order to flush him out, and civil liberties are broken all over the place. The film opens with Cortez running, a bunch of guys chasing him, and bodies being returned to families, and I had no idea what was going on for the first ten minutes of the film. Eventually, things begin to click, and Young's sure direction keeps it going. The cast is full of character actors whose names you do not immediately recognize but whose faces you have watched for years- Ned Beatty has a rather unnecessary cameo toward the end.
If you are expecting another politically correct allegory about the plight of the Mexican-American in turn-of-the-century Texas, you need to look elsewhere. This revisionist western shows us both sides of murder, and how both sides are at fault. Originally an episode of "American Playhouse," and then released theatrically.
Stats:
(1982) 105 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Robert M. Young
-Screenplay by Victor Villasenor, Adaptation by Robert M. Young, Based on a book by Americo Paredes
-Cast: Edward James Olmos, Bruce McGill, Barry Corbin, Ned Beatty, James Gammon, Tom Bower, Brion James, Alan Vint, Timothy Scott, Pepe Serna, Michael McGuire, William Sanderson, Jack Kehoe, Rosanna DeSoto, Buddy Vigil
(PG)
The Apostate (2000)
Richard Grieco turns in the best performance of his checkered career in this underappreciated little thriller.
Father Michael (Richard Grieco), returns to his native Puerto Rico for his brother Sean's (Branden Williams) funeral. Sean was a prostitute slashed to death by sicky artist Lewis (Dennis Hopper), and the blood was splashed on the walls. I didn't ruin anything for you, Lewis is shown doing the killing. Another woman is killed by Lewis, and Father Michael sees the crime scene, courtesy of his detective Uncle Daniel (Efrain Figueroa). Michael is also an artist and immediately recognizes that Lewis is not just leaving gory crime scenes, he is painting with the blood. Michael goes undercover to root Lewis out, also meeting the ironically named Mary (Bridget White), a nude artist and friend of the dead woman's roommate, who happens to be Michael's former lover. Michael goes through the San Juan underbelly, and of course, struggles with his faith, which was tenuous at best.
Gove directed his own script, and has a fantastic eye. The camera loves Grieco, who looks just plain cool in a priest's clothing. He has one great scene where he is talking about artistic technique while trying to hold down his lunch at a crime scene. He is really fantastic in this film, and I wish he could find better parts. Hopper is okay in the psycho role that he was constantly playing- this could be the mad bomber from "Speed." One problem I had was with director Gove's obsession with wrought iron and barred windows and doors. Every character in the film, major and minor, go through doors or windows with bars or they peer into windows with bars, and eventually the whole cute idea gets overwrought (ha-ha).
If you want films to compare this to, think of it as a cross between "True Confessions" and "Seven." Gove may be reaching putting a priest on the case, but Grieco more than makes up for the script's minor foibles. I recommend this one. Also known as "Michael Angel."
Stats:
(2000) 94 min. (7/10)
-Written and Directed by William Gove
-Cast: Richard Grieco, Dennis Hopper, Efrain Figueroa, Branden Williams, Bridget White, Kristin Minter, Frank Medrano, Michael Cole, Ivonne Coll, Perri Lister, Phillip Stewart, Johanna Quintero, Jesus M. Alvarez
(R)
Father Michael (Richard Grieco), returns to his native Puerto Rico for his brother Sean's (Branden Williams) funeral. Sean was a prostitute slashed to death by sicky artist Lewis (Dennis Hopper), and the blood was splashed on the walls. I didn't ruin anything for you, Lewis is shown doing the killing. Another woman is killed by Lewis, and Father Michael sees the crime scene, courtesy of his detective Uncle Daniel (Efrain Figueroa). Michael is also an artist and immediately recognizes that Lewis is not just leaving gory crime scenes, he is painting with the blood. Michael goes undercover to root Lewis out, also meeting the ironically named Mary (Bridget White), a nude artist and friend of the dead woman's roommate, who happens to be Michael's former lover. Michael goes through the San Juan underbelly, and of course, struggles with his faith, which was tenuous at best.
Gove directed his own script, and has a fantastic eye. The camera loves Grieco, who looks just plain cool in a priest's clothing. He has one great scene where he is talking about artistic technique while trying to hold down his lunch at a crime scene. He is really fantastic in this film, and I wish he could find better parts. Hopper is okay in the psycho role that he was constantly playing- this could be the mad bomber from "Speed." One problem I had was with director Gove's obsession with wrought iron and barred windows and doors. Every character in the film, major and minor, go through doors or windows with bars or they peer into windows with bars, and eventually the whole cute idea gets overwrought (ha-ha).
If you want films to compare this to, think of it as a cross between "True Confessions" and "Seven." Gove may be reaching putting a priest on the case, but Grieco more than makes up for the script's minor foibles. I recommend this one. Also known as "Michael Angel."
Stats:
(2000) 94 min. (7/10)
-Written and Directed by William Gove
-Cast: Richard Grieco, Dennis Hopper, Efrain Figueroa, Branden Williams, Bridget White, Kristin Minter, Frank Medrano, Michael Cole, Ivonne Coll, Perri Lister, Phillip Stewart, Johanna Quintero, Jesus M. Alvarez
(R)
Breakfast of Champions (1999)
I do not pretend to "get" this adaptation of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.'s novel, but I certainly enjoyed the ride.
Vonnegut is almost impossible to film, "Slaughterhouse Five" is the most successful, while I still can't believe I survived "Slapstick (of Another Kind)." The plot, for what it is, goes a little something like this. Bruce Willis is Dwayne Hoover, who runs a giant car dealership in Midland City. His spaced-out wife Cecilia (Barbara Hershey) pops pills and watches television all day. His son George (Lukas Haas) is a lounge singer, dropping his first name in exchange for 'Bunny.' Nick Nolte is Willis' sales manager Harry, a paranoid cross dresser. Glenne Headly is Francine, Dwayne's receptionist and mistress. Dwayne does not seem to be going through a midlife crisis so much as a nervous breakdown. The people around him notice a change in his behavior, as his sincere grin flashes on his commercials, which play nonstop, but he is in his own personal hell. He is asking the question many of us ask: why are we here? As his life crumbles around him, he sticks a gun in his mouth three different times, never following through with a way out that would not answer his ultimate question. Wayne (Omar Epps) is a released prison inmate who wants to work for Dwayne Hoover just because their names are similar. He probably gets the most mainstream laughs, as he lives out of his new car on the car lot, turning it into something nicer than a few of my former apartments. Into this nightmarish fray comes writer Kilgore Trout (Albert Finney). He has written two hundred novels and two thousand short stories, but they have all been published by porno mags and hardcore sex novel publishers. He is invited to Midland City for an arts festival, and the novel he has may contain the answer to life that Dwayne is looking for. The film lurches along through Dwayne and company's day.
Every character has a quirk, and that may be a detriment as the viewer has trouble latching onto someone to help wade through all the eye candy. Director Rudolph impresses, throwing in visual effects that dazzle. He also wrote the screenplay, and shows a true affection for the source novel. Mark Isham's musical score is perfect- Muzak on crack. The performances in this over-the-top story are brilliant. Willis had not been able to be this loose onscreen in a very long time, and he seemed to be having a ball. There are no bad actors in the "Wow!" cast, look for Owen Wilson and Michael Clarke Duncan in small roles. The description of this film on the old video box likens this to a mainstream comedy, and that is a huge mistake. People renting this and expecting "Airplane!" or some Adam Sandler-driven flick are going to be supremely disappointed. This is weird, deep stuff that a lot of people out there will not consider their cup of tea. On the other hand, Rudolph pulls out all the stops, shows us the weird and crazy, then tries to get us to care about the plot. In fact, this is not a plotty film, it is character driven, but Rudolph tries to keep this one convention in an otherwise unconventional film.
This is truly one of the most bizarre films ever made, right in line with "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." Where drugs fueled the mania in that film, here the mania is caused by something we deal with everyday- life.
Stats:
(1999) 110 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Alan Rudolph
-Screenplay by Alan Rudolph based on the novel by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
-Cast: Bruce Willis, Barbara Hershey, Albert Finney, Nick Nolte, Glenne Headly, Lukas Haas, Omar Epps, Vicki Lewis, Buck Henry, Owen Wilson, Will Patton, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Jake Johannsen, Chip Zien, Alison Eastwood
(R)
Vonnegut is almost impossible to film, "Slaughterhouse Five" is the most successful, while I still can't believe I survived "Slapstick (of Another Kind)." The plot, for what it is, goes a little something like this. Bruce Willis is Dwayne Hoover, who runs a giant car dealership in Midland City. His spaced-out wife Cecilia (Barbara Hershey) pops pills and watches television all day. His son George (Lukas Haas) is a lounge singer, dropping his first name in exchange for 'Bunny.' Nick Nolte is Willis' sales manager Harry, a paranoid cross dresser. Glenne Headly is Francine, Dwayne's receptionist and mistress. Dwayne does not seem to be going through a midlife crisis so much as a nervous breakdown. The people around him notice a change in his behavior, as his sincere grin flashes on his commercials, which play nonstop, but he is in his own personal hell. He is asking the question many of us ask: why are we here? As his life crumbles around him, he sticks a gun in his mouth three different times, never following through with a way out that would not answer his ultimate question. Wayne (Omar Epps) is a released prison inmate who wants to work for Dwayne Hoover just because their names are similar. He probably gets the most mainstream laughs, as he lives out of his new car on the car lot, turning it into something nicer than a few of my former apartments. Into this nightmarish fray comes writer Kilgore Trout (Albert Finney). He has written two hundred novels and two thousand short stories, but they have all been published by porno mags and hardcore sex novel publishers. He is invited to Midland City for an arts festival, and the novel he has may contain the answer to life that Dwayne is looking for. The film lurches along through Dwayne and company's day.
Every character has a quirk, and that may be a detriment as the viewer has trouble latching onto someone to help wade through all the eye candy. Director Rudolph impresses, throwing in visual effects that dazzle. He also wrote the screenplay, and shows a true affection for the source novel. Mark Isham's musical score is perfect- Muzak on crack. The performances in this over-the-top story are brilliant. Willis had not been able to be this loose onscreen in a very long time, and he seemed to be having a ball. There are no bad actors in the "Wow!" cast, look for Owen Wilson and Michael Clarke Duncan in small roles. The description of this film on the old video box likens this to a mainstream comedy, and that is a huge mistake. People renting this and expecting "Airplane!" or some Adam Sandler-driven flick are going to be supremely disappointed. This is weird, deep stuff that a lot of people out there will not consider their cup of tea. On the other hand, Rudolph pulls out all the stops, shows us the weird and crazy, then tries to get us to care about the plot. In fact, this is not a plotty film, it is character driven, but Rudolph tries to keep this one convention in an otherwise unconventional film.
This is truly one of the most bizarre films ever made, right in line with "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." Where drugs fueled the mania in that film, here the mania is caused by something we deal with everyday- life.
Stats:
(1999) 110 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Alan Rudolph
-Screenplay by Alan Rudolph based on the novel by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
-Cast: Bruce Willis, Barbara Hershey, Albert Finney, Nick Nolte, Glenne Headly, Lukas Haas, Omar Epps, Vicki Lewis, Buck Henry, Owen Wilson, Will Patton, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Jake Johannsen, Chip Zien, Alison Eastwood
(R)
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)
Abbott and Costello also meet the Wolfman and Dracula in this amusing horror comedy.
Chick (Bud Abbott) and Wilbur (Lou Costello) are freight handlers at a delivery company. McDougal (Frank Ferguson) drops by to get his new crates for his house of horrors. They contain the bodies of Frankenstein's monster (Glenn Strange) and Dracula (Bela Lugosi). A Lawrence Talbot (Lon Chaney, Jr.) calls from London to try to stop the delivery, but Chick and Wilbur agree to take the crates to McDougal's. Wilbur also has a beautiful girlfriend, the exotic Sandra (Lenore Aubert). Chick and Wilbur take the crates in, and the monsters come alive and escape.
Despite the goofy nature of the film, it is funnier than a ton of junk out there today. Lou Costello is a riot, and Bud Abbott proves he was the best straight man who ever lived. Lugosi is not given that much to do, but the makeup effects on all three monsters is wonderful. The late 1940's special effects are silly fun. The direction is a little standard, but the likable comedy team makes up for the film's shortcomings. A "cameo appearance" in the last scene is truly classic.
Abbott and Costello made a lot of these types of films, but "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein" might be the best. I highly recommend it. Also known as "Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein."
Stats:
(1948) 83 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Charles Barton
-Original Screenplay by Robert Lees & Frederic I. Rinaldo & John Grant
-Cast: Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Glenn Strange, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney Jr., Lenore Aubert, Frank Ferguson, Jane Randolph, Charles Bradstreet, Howard Negley, Vincent Price
(Not Rated)
Chick (Bud Abbott) and Wilbur (Lou Costello) are freight handlers at a delivery company. McDougal (Frank Ferguson) drops by to get his new crates for his house of horrors. They contain the bodies of Frankenstein's monster (Glenn Strange) and Dracula (Bela Lugosi). A Lawrence Talbot (Lon Chaney, Jr.) calls from London to try to stop the delivery, but Chick and Wilbur agree to take the crates to McDougal's. Wilbur also has a beautiful girlfriend, the exotic Sandra (Lenore Aubert). Chick and Wilbur take the crates in, and the monsters come alive and escape.
Despite the goofy nature of the film, it is funnier than a ton of junk out there today. Lou Costello is a riot, and Bud Abbott proves he was the best straight man who ever lived. Lugosi is not given that much to do, but the makeup effects on all three monsters is wonderful. The late 1940's special effects are silly fun. The direction is a little standard, but the likable comedy team makes up for the film's shortcomings. A "cameo appearance" in the last scene is truly classic.
Abbott and Costello made a lot of these types of films, but "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein" might be the best. I highly recommend it. Also known as "Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein."
Stats:
(1948) 83 min. (8/10)
-Directed by Charles Barton
-Original Screenplay by Robert Lees & Frederic I. Rinaldo & John Grant
-Cast: Bud Abbott, Lou Costello, Glenn Strange, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney Jr., Lenore Aubert, Frank Ferguson, Jane Randolph, Charles Bradstreet, Howard Negley, Vincent Price
(Not Rated)
Tuesday, November 26, 2024
Dracula's Guest (2008)
Writer/director Michael Feifer makes a fatal mistake in the opening minutes of this low-budget film, a mistake the film cannot recover from. Huge spoilers ahead!
Young Bram Stoker (Wes Ramsey), a real estate broker, is charged with finding a house in London for the mysterious Count Dracula (Andrew Bryniarski). Bram is also courting Elizabeth (Kelsey McCann), but her father (Dan Speaker) forbids the two to see each other for one year before they can become engaged, just to make sure their love is true. Elizabeth pouts and runs away, and as unbelievable coinkydink would have it, is kidnapped by Dracula. She's held in a cave as both Bram and Elizabeth's father, who has his own secret about the family bloodline, rush to the rescue.
The opening scene of the film has Bram finding Elizabeth in the cave, hearing that she has been assaulted and impregnated by Dracula, and swearing revenge. Then the film flashes back to a week earlier to start the story- why? Feifer's structural flourish makes watching Bram's trek across Europe completely pointless. We know he survives the dog attack, and the robbers in a house; and is uninjured in the forced suicide of his best friend, who he grieves for after about twenty seconds. We know where Elizabeth will end up, so her dull escape from her father offers no suspense. Feifer could have dropped the opening scene, but that would not have solved all of this film's problems. While the casting of Bryniarski, who looks like an NFL linebacker, as Dracula is interesting, the performances are terrible, which is sad, considering Ramsey's excellent work in "Latter Days." This was shot in southern California, which does not substitute for England and Transylvania very well. Everyone tries an accent, and everyone fails. Feifer shot this on video, and I wish the money saved had been spent on a tripod. Many scenes left me woozy as the director tried to cover the lack of budget with a constantly moving frame. There is no gore, not even bloody bite marks, and the finale leaves too many unanswered questions, which is ironic considering the spoiler that kicks off the film.
The title, sometimes with Stoker's name included, is meant to sound literary and important. The resulting product is unwatchable and disappointing.
Stats:
(2008) 82 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Michael Feifer
-Cast: Wes Ramsey, Andrew Bryniarski, Kelsey McCann, Dan Speaker, Ryan Christiansen, Caia Coley, Thomas Garner, Robert Smith, Maya Waterman, Stan Bly, Robert William Madrigal, Nino Simone, Andy Parks, Daniel Bonjour
(PG-13)
Young Bram Stoker (Wes Ramsey), a real estate broker, is charged with finding a house in London for the mysterious Count Dracula (Andrew Bryniarski). Bram is also courting Elizabeth (Kelsey McCann), but her father (Dan Speaker) forbids the two to see each other for one year before they can become engaged, just to make sure their love is true. Elizabeth pouts and runs away, and as unbelievable coinkydink would have it, is kidnapped by Dracula. She's held in a cave as both Bram and Elizabeth's father, who has his own secret about the family bloodline, rush to the rescue.
The opening scene of the film has Bram finding Elizabeth in the cave, hearing that she has been assaulted and impregnated by Dracula, and swearing revenge. Then the film flashes back to a week earlier to start the story- why? Feifer's structural flourish makes watching Bram's trek across Europe completely pointless. We know he survives the dog attack, and the robbers in a house; and is uninjured in the forced suicide of his best friend, who he grieves for after about twenty seconds. We know where Elizabeth will end up, so her dull escape from her father offers no suspense. Feifer could have dropped the opening scene, but that would not have solved all of this film's problems. While the casting of Bryniarski, who looks like an NFL linebacker, as Dracula is interesting, the performances are terrible, which is sad, considering Ramsey's excellent work in "Latter Days." This was shot in southern California, which does not substitute for England and Transylvania very well. Everyone tries an accent, and everyone fails. Feifer shot this on video, and I wish the money saved had been spent on a tripod. Many scenes left me woozy as the director tried to cover the lack of budget with a constantly moving frame. There is no gore, not even bloody bite marks, and the finale leaves too many unanswered questions, which is ironic considering the spoiler that kicks off the film.
The title, sometimes with Stoker's name included, is meant to sound literary and important. The resulting product is unwatchable and disappointing.
Stats:
(2008) 82 min. (1/10)
-Written and Directed by Michael Feifer
-Cast: Wes Ramsey, Andrew Bryniarski, Kelsey McCann, Dan Speaker, Ryan Christiansen, Caia Coley, Thomas Garner, Robert Smith, Maya Waterman, Stan Bly, Robert William Madrigal, Nino Simone, Andy Parks, Daniel Bonjour
(PG-13)
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